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Leo niko hapa kuongea kuhusu swala nyeti,

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ambalo lina jibu tatanishi.

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Swala langu ni zile siri za ugomvi nyumbani,

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na swali nitakalokabiliana nalo

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ni lile swali moja kila mmoja huliuliza kila mara:

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Kwa nini muathirika hubakia?

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Kwa nini mtu yeyote abaki na mume ampigaye?

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Mie si daktari wa akili, mfanyakazi wa ustawi wa jamii

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au mtaalam wa ugomvi wa nyumbani.

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Mimi ni mwanamke mwenye hadithi ya kusimulia.

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Nilikuwa na umri wa miaka ishirini na miwili. Nilikuwa nimehitimu tu kutoka chuo cha Harvard.

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Nilikuwa nimehamia mjini New York kwa ajili ya kazi yangu ya kwanza

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kama mwandishi na mhariri wa gazeti la Seventeen.

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Nilikuwa na nyumba yangu ya kwanza,

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kadi yangu ya kwanza ya American Express,

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na nilikuwa na siri moja kubwa sana.

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Siri yangu ilikuwa kwamba kulikuwa na bunduki

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iliyojaa risasi iliyoelekezwa kichwani mwangu

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na mwanamme niliyefikiria alikuwa mpenzi wangu,

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mara kadhaa.

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Mwanamme huyu niliyempenda kuliko yeyote duniani

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alielekeza bunduki kichwani mwangu na kutishia kuniua

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mara nyingi kuliko zile ningeweza kukumbuka.

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Niko hapa kuwapa hadithi ya upendo wa kupindukia,

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mtego wa kisaikolojia uliofichwa kama mapenzi,

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ambao mamilioni ya wanawake na hata wanaume wengine

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hutumbukia kila mwaka.

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Inaweza hata kuwa hadithi yako.

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Sionekani kama mtu niliyenusurika na ugomvi katika mahusiano.

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Nina shahada ya sanaa katika Kiigereza kutoka chuo cha Harvard,

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na shahada ya juu katika mauzo kutoka kwa chuo cha biashara cha Wharton.

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Nimetumia muda mrefu maishani nikifanya kazi kwenye kampuni bora duniani

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zikiwemo Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett na The Washington Post.

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Nimeolewa takriban miaka ishirini kwa mme wangu wa pili

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na tuna wana watatu pamoja

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Mbwa wangu ni mweusi, na mie huendesha gari ndogo la Honda Odyssey.

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(Kicheko)

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Kwa hivyo ujumbe wangu wa kwanza kwenu ni kwamba ugomvi wa nyumbani

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humtokea yeyote--

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kila jamii,dini, kila kipato na ngazi ya kimasomo.

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Iko kila mahali.

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Na ujumbe wangu wa pili ni kwamba kila mtu hufikiri

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ugomvi wa nyumbani huwaathiri wanawake,

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ati ni swala la wanawake.

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Si sahihi.

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Zaidi ya asili mia 85 ya wanyanyasaji ni wanaume, na ugomvi wa nyumbani

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hutokea haswa katika mahusiano ya undani, ya kutegemeana na yale ya muda mrefu,

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yaani, katika familia,

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mahali tusipotaka au kutarajia kupata ugomvi,

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ndio sababu tuhuma za kinyumbani ni tatanishi hivi.

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Ningekuambia kwamba ningekuwa mtu wa mwisho duniani

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kukaa na mwanaume anayenipiga,

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lakini kusema kweli nilikuwa mwathirika kwa sababu ya umri wangu.

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Nilikuwa mwenye umri wa miaka ishirini na mbili na Marekani,

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wanawake wenye umri kati ya miaka kumi na sita hadi ishirini na nne wana uwezekano wa mara tatu zaidi

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kuwa waathirika wa ugomvi wa nyumbani

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ikilinganishwa na wanawake wa umri mwingine,

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vilevile zaidi ya wanawake mia tano na wasichana wa umri huu

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huuawa kila mwaka na wapenzi wanyanyasaji,

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wapenzi, na waume zao Marekani.

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Nilikuwa muathirika kwa sababu sikujua chochote

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kuhusu ugomvi wa nyumbani, maonyo yake ama mifano yake.

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Nilikutana na Conor usiku mmoja wenye baridi na mvua, mwezi wa Januari.

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Alikaa kando yangu kwenye treni katika mji wa New York,

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na alianza kuniongelesha.

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Aliniambia mambo mawili.

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La kwanza kuwa, yeye pia, alikuwa amehitimu kutoka kwa kati ya zile shule bora zaidi Marekani,

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na kwamba alifanya kazi kwenye benki moja ya kuvutia sana huko Wall Street.

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Lakini kile kilichonivutia zaidi siku hiyo

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ni kuwa alikuwa mwerevu na mcheshi

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na alionekana kuwa kijana wa mashambani.

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Alikuwa na haya mashavu makubwa, haya mashavu makubwa ya waridi

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na hii nywele za rangi kama ya ngano,

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na alionekana kuwa mwema sana.

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Jambo moja la busara Conor alilofanya, kutoka mwanzoni,

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lilikuwa kufanya kana kwamba nilikuwa mwenye ushawishi mkubwa katika huo uhusiano.

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Alifanya hivi haswa hapo mwanzo

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kwa kunihusudu.

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Tukaanza kutoka pamoja, na alipenda kila kitu kunihusu,

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ati nilikuwa mwerevu, ati nilisomea chuo cha Harvard,

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ati nilikuwa mwenye shauku kusaidia wasichana wadogo, na kazi yangu.

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Alitaka kujua kila kitu kuhusu familia yangu

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na utoto wangu na matarajio na ndoto zangu.

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Conor alikuwa na imani nami, kama mwandishi na mwanamke,

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kwa njia ambayo yeyote mwengine alikuwa hajawahi.

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Na alileta uaminifu kati yetu

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kwa kunieleza siri yake,

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ambayo ilikuwa, alipokuwa mvulana mdogo sana akiwa na umri wa miaka minne

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alipigwa vibaya sana mara kwa mara

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na babake wa kambo,

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na unyanyasaji ulizidi kuwa mbaya zaidi hadi ikambidi aache shule akiwa daraja la nane,

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ingawa alikuwa mwerevu sana,

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na kwamba alitumia takriban miaka ishirini kujenga maisha yake upya.

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Ndiyo sababu hiyo shahada yake kutoka zile shule bora zaidi Marekani,

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na kazi yake Wall Street na maisha yake mazuri siku za usoni

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zilikuwa za umuhimu mkubwa sana kwake.

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Kama ungeniuliza

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kama huyu mwanamme mwerevu, mcheshi na mwenye kujali aliyenipenda sana

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angekuja kuniamulia kama ningejipamba au la,

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ufupi wa sketi zangu,

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mahali ningeishi, kazi gani ningefanya,

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marafiki zangu wangekuwa wepi na pale ningekulia Krisimasi

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ningekucheka,

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kwa sababu hakukuwa na ushahidi wowote wa tuhuma au uthibiti

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au hasira kutoka kwa Conor hapo mwanzoni.

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Sikujua kwamba daraja la kwanza

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katika uhusiano wowote wenye ugomvi

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ni kumvuta na kumpumbaza mwathirika

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Pia sikujua kuwa daraja ya pili ni kumtenga mwathirika.

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Conor hakuja nyumbani siku moja na kutangaza,

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"Unajua huu uhusiano wetu kama wa Romeo na Julieti umekuwa mtamu,

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lakini nataka kwenda katika hatua inayofuata

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ambapo nitakutenga na kukunyanyasa" - (Kicheko) -

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"kwa hivyo nataka kukuhamisha kutoka nyumba hii

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ambapo majirani wanawezakusikia ukipiga mayowe

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na kukupeleka nje ya mji huu ambapo una marafiki na familia

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na wafanyakazi wenzako wanaoweza kuona hiyo michubuko."

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Badala yake, Conor alikuja nyumbani jioni ya Ijumaa moja

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na akaniambia kuwa alikuwa ameacha kazi siku hiyo,

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kazi ya ndoto zake,

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na akasema kwamba alikuwa ameacha kazi hiyo kwa sababu yangu,

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kwa sababu nilimfanya ahisi usalama na kupendwa

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ati hakuhitaji tena kujithibitisha huko Wall Street,

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na alitaka tu kutoka mjini

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na kukaa mbali na familia yake iliyomnyanyasa.

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na kuhamia mji mdogo wa New England

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ambapo angeweza kuanza upya maisha yake nikiwa kando yake.

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Sikutaka kamwe kuhama kutoka New York,

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na kuacha kazi ya ndoto zangu,

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lakini nilifikiria mtu hujitoa muhanga kwa mpenzi wake,

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kwa hivyo nikakubali na nikaacha kazi yangu,

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na Conor na mimi tukaondoka Manhattan pamoja.

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Sikuwai kufikiria kwamba penzi nililokuwa nalo halikuwa la kawaida,

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na kwamba nilikuwa nikitembea bila habari ndani ya

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mtego mzuri wa kimwili, kifedha na kiakili

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Daraja ya pili katika ugomvi wa kimahusiano

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ni kuleta tishio la vurugu

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na kuangalia vile linavyomgusa.

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Na hapa ndipo bunduki zinapoingia.

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Muda tu tulipohamia New England--unajua,

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mahali Connor aliposema pangemfanya ajisikie salama--

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alinunua bunduki tatu.

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Aliweka moja garini.

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Aliweka moja chini ya mto kitandani mwetu,

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na ya tatu alitembea nayo mfukoni nyakati zote.

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Na alisema alihitaji bunduki hizo

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kwa sababu ya uchungu aliopitia akiwa mchanga.

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Alizihitaji kujisikia salama.

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Lakini bunduki hizo zilikuwa ujumbe kwangu,

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na ingawa hakuwai kuninyoshea mkono,

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maisha yangu tayari yalikuwa hatarini kila dakika ya kila siku.

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Kwanza Conor alinishambulia

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siku tano kabla ya harusi yetu.

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Ilikuwa saa moja asubuhi na bado nilikuwa nimevalia vazi la kulala

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Nilikuwa nafanya kazi kweny kompyuta yangu nikijaribu kumaliza kazi fulani ya uandishi,

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na nilikuwa nimekasirika,

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na Conor akatumia hasira zangu kama kisingizio

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kunikaba koo

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na kuikaza hadi sikuweza kupumua au kupiga kelele,

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na alitumia mkazo huo

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kugonga kichwa changu mara kadhaa kwenye ukuta.

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Siku tano baadaye, ile michubuko kumi shingoni mwangu ilipotea

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na nikavaa nguo ya mama yangu ya harusi,

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na nikafunga ndoa naye.

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Licha ya yaliyotokea,

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nilikuwa na hakika tungeishi maisha ya raha milele,

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kwa sababu nilimpenda, na alinipenda sana.

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Na aliniomba msamaha.

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Alikuwa amechoshwa sana na mipango ya harusi yetu

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na kwa kuwa kitu kimoja na mimi.

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Halikuwa jambo la kawaida

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na asingeniumiza tena.

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Ilitokea mara mbili katika fungate.

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Mara ya kwanza, nilikuwa naendesha gari kutafuta ufukwe wa siri

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na nikapotea,

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na akanipiga ngumi nzito kwenye upande wa kichwa changu

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hata ule upande mwengine wa kichwa changu ukagonga

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dirisha lililo kando ya dereva mara kadhaa.

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Alafu tena siku chache baadaye, tukielekea nyumbani baada ya likizo ya harusi,

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alikasirishwa na trafiki,

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na akarusha Big Mac baridi usoni mwangu.

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Conor aliendelea kunipiga mara moja au mbili kwa wiki

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kwa miaka miwili na nusu ya ndoa yetu.

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Nilifanya makosa kufikiria nilikuwa wa kipekee

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na peke yangu katika hali hii.

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Mmoja kati ya wanawake watatu wakiAmerika

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hupitia ugomvi wa nyumbani ama kufuatwa fuatwa wakati mmoja maishani mwake,

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na CDC inaripoti kwamba watoto milioni kumi na tano

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wananyanyaswa kila mwaka, milioni kumi na tano.

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Hivyo basi, nilikuwa kwenye ushirika mzuri sana.

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Kurudia swali langu:

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Kwa nini nilibaki?

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Jibu lenyewe ni rahisi.

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Sikujua alikuwa akininyanyasa.

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Hata ingawa alielekeza bunduki zilizo na risasi kichwani mwangu,

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akanisukuma ngazini,

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akatishia kuua mbwa wetu,

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akatoa ufunguo wa gari nikiendesha barabarani,

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akamwaga maganda ya kahawa kichwani mwangu

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nikijitayarisha kwa mahojiano ya kazi,

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SIkuwai hata mara moja kujihisi kuwa mke anayenyanyaswa.

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Badala yake, nilikuwa mwanamke mwenye nguvu

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alimpenda sana mwanaume aliyekuwa na shida,

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na nilikuwa mtu wa pekee duniani

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ambaye angeweza kumsaidia Conor kukabiliana na mashetani yake.

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Swali lingine kila mtu huuliza ni,

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kwa nini hatoki tu?

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Kwa nini sikuondoka? Ningeweza kuondoka wakati wowote.

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Kwangu mimi, hili ndilo swali chungu na la kuhuzunisha zaidi ambalo watu huniuliza,

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kwa sababu sisi waathiriwa tunajua jambo nyinyi msilojua:

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Ni jambo la hatari sana kumtoroka mnyanyasaji.

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Kwa sababu daraja ya mwisho katika tuhuma za kinyumbani

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ni kumuua.

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Zaidi ya asilimia sabini ya vifo vinavyosababishwa na tuhuma za kinyumbani

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hutokea baada ya mwathiriwa kukatiza uhusiano huo,

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baada ya kutoka,

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kwa sababu wakati huo mnyanyasaji hana chochote cha kupoteza.

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Matokeo mengine ni pamoja na kufuatwa fuatwa,

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hata baada ya mnyanyasaji kuoa tena;

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unyimaji wa hela;

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na uingiliaji wa mfumo wa mahakama za kifamilia

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ili kumtia wasiwasi mwathirika na wanawe,

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ambao mara kwa mara hushurutishwa na majaji wa mahakama za kifamilia

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kuwa na wakati usiosimamiwa

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pamoja na mtu yule aliyemtuhumu mama yao.

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Na bado twauliza, kwa nini hamtoroki tu?

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Niliweza kuondoka,

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kwa sababu ya kipigo kibaya cha mwisho

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kilichofumbua macho yangu.

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Nilitambua kwamba mtu yule niliyempenda sana

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angekuja kuniua kama ningeendelea kumuacha hivi hivi tu.

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Hivyo nikavunja ukimya.

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Nikawaeleza watu wote:

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polisi, jirani zangu,

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marafiki zangu na familia, wageni,

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na niko hapa leo kwa sababu nyote mlinisaidia.

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Tuna tabia ya kuwabagua waathirika

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kama vichwa vibaya vya habari,

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wanaojitakia maovu, watu walioharibika.

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Swali hilo, "Kwa nini haondoki?"

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kwa wengine ni kama kusema, "Ni makosa yake kuendela kukaa hapo,"

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kana kwamba waathirika huchagua kusudi kupenda wanaume

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walio na lengo la kutumaliza.

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Lakini tangu niandike kitabu "Crazy Love,"

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nimesikia mamia ya hadithi kutoka kwa wanaume na wanawake

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ambao pia waliondoka,

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waliojifunza somo muhimu la maisha kutokana na yale yaliyotokea,

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na waliojenga maisha yao tena--maisha yenye furaha

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kama wafanyakazi, wake na kina mama,

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maisha yasiyo na unyanyasaji, kama yangu.

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Kwa sababu inaonekana kwamba mimi nilikuwa mwathirika halisi wa unyanyasaji majumbani.

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na msalimika wa unyanyasaji wa majumbani.

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Niliolewa na mtu mwema na mpole,

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na pamoja tuna watoto watatu.

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Nina yule mbwa wangu mweusi, na nina lile gari ndogo.

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Kile sitawahi kuwa nacho tena,

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milele,

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ni bunduki iliyojaa risasi iliyoelekezwa kichwani mwangu

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na mtu anayesema eti ananipenda.

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Wakati huu, labda unafikiria,

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"Hili ni jambo la kushangaza,"

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ama, "Kwa nini alikuwa mjinga hivi,"

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lakini muda huu wote, nimekuwa haswa nikiongea juu yako.

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Nakuhakikishia kuna watu kadhaa

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wanaonisikiliza saa hii

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ambao wananyanyaswa

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au ambao walinyanyaswa wakiwa watoto

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au walio wanyanyasaji wenyewe.

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unyanyasaji unaweza kuwa unamwathiri binti yako,

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dadako, rafiki yako wa karibu wakati huu.

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Niliweza kumaliza hadithi yangu wazimu ya mapenzi

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kwa kuvunja ukimya.

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Bado naendelea kuvunja ukimya leo.

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Ni njia yangu ya kusaidia waathirika wengine,

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na ni ombi langu la mwisho kwenu.

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Ongeeni kuhusu mliyosikia hapa.

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Unyanyasaji hushamiri tu katika ukimya.

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Una nguvu ya kumaliza unyanyasaji majumbani

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kwa kuongea kuhusu unyanyasaji.

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Sisi waathirika tunahitaji kila mtu.

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Tunawahitaji nyote kuelewa

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siri za unyanyasaji majumbani.

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Mulikieni mwanga unyanyasaji kwa kuuongelea

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mkiwa na watoto wenu, wafanyakazi wenzenu,

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marafiki zenu na familia.

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Ongeleeni waliosalimika kama watu wema na wanaopendeka

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walio na maisha kamili kwenye siku za usoni

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Eleweni ishara za mapema za tuhuma

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na muingilie kati kistadi

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malizeni na muonyeshe waathirika njia safi ya kuiepuka.

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Pamoja tunaweza kufanya vitanda vyetu,

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meza zetu za mlo na familia zetu

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mahali pa amani zinavyopaswa kuwa

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Asanteni.

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(Mahali)