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I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

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which has an equally disturbing answer.

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My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

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and the question I'm going to tackle

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is the one question everyone always asks:

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Why does she stay?

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Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

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I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

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or an expert in domestic violence.

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I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

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I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

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I had moved to New York City for my first job

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as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

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I had my first apartment,

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my first little green American Express card,

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and I had a very big secret.

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My secret was that I had this gun

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loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

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by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

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many, many times.

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The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

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held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

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more times than I can even remember.

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I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

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a psychological trap disguised as love,

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one that millions of women and even a few men

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fall into every year.

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It may even be your story.

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I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

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I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

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an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

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I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

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including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

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I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

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and we have three kids together.

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My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

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(Laughter)

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So my first message for you is that domestic violence

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happens to everyone --

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all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

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It's everywhere.

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And my second message is that everyone thinks

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domestic violence happens to women,

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that it's a women's issue.

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Not exactly.

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Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

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happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

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in other words, in families,

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the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

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which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

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I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

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who would stay with a man who beats me,

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but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

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I was 22, and in the United States,

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women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

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to be domestic violence victims

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as women of other ages,

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and over 500 women and girls this age

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are killed every year by abusive partners,

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boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

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I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

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about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

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I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

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He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

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and he started chatting me up.

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He told me two things.

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One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

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and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

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But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

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was that he was smart and funny

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and he looked like a farm boy.

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He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

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and this wheat-blond hair,

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and he seemed so sweet.

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One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

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was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

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He did this especially at the beginning

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by idolizing me.

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We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

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that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

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that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

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He wanted to know everything about my family

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and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

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Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

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in a way that no one else ever had.

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And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

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by confessing his secret,

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which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

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he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

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by his stepfather,

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and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

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even though he was very smart,

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and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

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Which is why that Ivy League degree

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and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

0:05:01.550,0:05:04.121
meant so much to him.

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If you had told me

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that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

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would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

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how short my skirts were,

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where I lived, what jobs I took,

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who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

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I would have laughed at you,

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because there was not a hint of violence or control

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or anger in Conor at the beginning.

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I didn't know that the first stage

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in any domestic violence relationship

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is to seduce and charm the victim.

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I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

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Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

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"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

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but I need to move into the next phase

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where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

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"so I need to get you out of this apartment

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where the neighbors can hear you scream

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and out of this city where you have friends and family

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and coworkers who can see the bruises."

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Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

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and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

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his dream job,

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and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

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because I had made him feel so safe and loved

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that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

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and he just wanted to get out of the city

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and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

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and move to a tiny town in New England

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where he could start his life over with me by his side.

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Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

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and my dream job,

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but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

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so I agreed, and I quit my job,

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and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

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I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

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that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

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physical, financial and psychological trap.

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The next step in the domestic violence pattern

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is to introduce the threat of violence

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and see how she reacts.

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And here's where those guns come in.

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As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

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that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

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he bought three guns.

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He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

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He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

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and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

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And he said that he needed those guns

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because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

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He needed them to feel protected.

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But those guns were really a message for me,

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and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

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my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

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Conor first physically attacked me

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five days before our wedding.

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It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

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I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

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and I got frustrated,

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and Conor used my anger as an excuse

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to put both of his hands around my neck

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and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

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and he used the chokehold

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to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

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Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

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and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

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and I married him.

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Despite what had happened,

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I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

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because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

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And he was very, very sorry.

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He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

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and by becoming a family with me.

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It was an isolated incident,

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and he was never going to hurt me again.

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It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

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The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

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and I got lost,

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and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

0:09:15.362,0:09:17.506
that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

0:09:17.506,0:09:19.913
the driver's side window.

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And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

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he got frustrated by traffic,

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and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

0:09:28.994,0:09:31.602
Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

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for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

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I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

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and alone in this situation.

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One in three American women

0:09:42.978,0:09:47.130
experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

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and the CDC reports that 15 million children

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are abused every year, 15 million.

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So actually, I was in very good company.

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Back to my question:

0:10:00.970,0:10:03.465
Why did I stay?

0:10:03.465,0:10:06.203
The answer is easy.

0:10:06.203,0:10:08.891
I didn't know he was abusing me.

0:10:08.891,0:10:12.739
Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

0:10:12.739,0:10:14.962
pushed me down stairs,

0:10:14.962,0:10:16.343
threatened to kill our dog,

0:10:16.343,0:10:20.266
pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

0:10:20.266,0:10:22.783
poured coffee grinds on my head

0:10:22.783,0:10:25.099
as I dressed for a job interview,

0:10:25.099,0:10:29.469
I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

0:10:29.469,0:10:33.046
Instead, I was a very strong woman

0:10:33.046,0:10:35.298
in love with a deeply troubled man,

0:10:35.298,0:10:37.355
and I was the only person on Earth

0:10:37.355,0:10:40.795
who could help Conor face his demons.

0:10:40.795,0:10:44.506
The other question everybody asks is,

0:10:44.506,0:10:46.923
why doesn't she just leave?

0:10:46.923,0:10:50.874
Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

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To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

0:10:55.586,0:10:58.677
because we victims know something you usually don't:

0:10:58.677,0:11:03.070
It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

0:11:03.070,0:11:06.389
Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

0:11:06.389,0:11:09.284
is kill her.

0:11:09.284,0:11:11.825
Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

0:11:11.825,0:11:15.893
happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

0:11:15.893,0:11:17.786
after she's gotten out,

0:11:17.786,0:11:21.037
because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

0:11:21.037,0:11:24.128
Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

0:11:24.128,0:11:27.080
even after the abuser remarries;

0:11:27.080,0:11:29.235
denial of financial resources;

0:11:29.235,0:11:31.624
and manipulation of the family court system

0:11:31.624,0:11:34.447
to terrify the victim and her children,

0:11:34.447,0:11:39.373
who are regularly forced by family court judges

0:11:39.373,0:11:41.342
to spend unsupervised time

0:11:41.342,0:11:45.013
with the man who beat their mother.

0:11:45.013,0:11:49.188
And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

0:11:49.188,0:11:50.942
I was able to leave,

0:11:50.942,0:11:53.844
because of one final, sadistic beating

0:11:53.844,0:11:57.003
that broke through my denial.

0:11:57.003,0:12:00.173
I realized that the man who I loved so much

0:12:00.173,0:12:03.083
was going to kill me if I let him.

0:12:03.083,0:12:05.598
So I broke the silence.

0:12:05.598,0:12:08.428
I told everyone:

0:12:08.428,0:12:12.213
the police, my neighbors,

0:12:12.213,0:12:16.053
my friends and family, total strangers,

0:12:16.053,0:12:22.907
and I'm here today because you all helped me.

0:12:22.907,0:12:25.445
We tend to stereotype victims

0:12:25.445,0:12:28.507
as grisly headlines,

0:12:28.507,0:12:31.803
self-destructive women, damaged goods.

0:12:31.803,0:12:34.806
The question, "Why does she stay?"

0:12:34.806,0:12:40.442
is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"

0:12:40.442,0:12:43.766
as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men

0:12:43.766,0:12:46.398
intent upon destroying us.

0:12:46.398,0:12:48.902
But since publishing "Crazy Love,"

0:12:48.902,0:12:52.425
I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women

0:12:52.425,0:12:54.870
who also got out,

0:12:54.870,0:12:59.250
who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,

0:12:59.250,0:13:03.463
and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --

0:13:03.463,0:13:05.797
as employees, wives and mothers,

0:13:05.797,0:13:10.478
lives completely free of violence, like me.

0:13:10.478,0:13:14.509
Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim

0:13:14.509,0:13:17.953
and a typical domestic violence survivor.

0:13:17.953,0:13:21.978
I remarried a kind and gentle man,

0:13:21.978,0:13:24.314
and we have those three kids.

0:13:24.314,0:13:27.715
I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.

0:13:27.715,0:13:31.181
What I will never have again,

0:13:31.181,0:13:34.139
ever,

0:13:34.139,0:13:36.264
is a loaded gun held to my head

0:13:36.264,0:13:39.907
by someone who says that he loves me.

0:13:39.907,0:13:42.538
Right now, maybe you're thinking,

0:13:42.538,0:13:44.445
"Wow, this is fascinating,"

0:13:44.445,0:13:47.573
or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"

0:13:47.573,0:13:53.576
but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.

0:13:53.576,0:13:57.093
I promise you there are several people

0:13:57.093,0:13:58.835
listening to me right now

0:13:58.835,0:14:01.847
who are currently being abused

0:14:01.847,0:14:04.362
or who were abused as children

0:14:04.362,0:14:07.732
or who are abusers themselves.

0:14:07.732,0:14:09.669
Abuse could be affecting your daughter,

0:14:09.669,0:14:14.962
your sister, your best friend right now.

0:14:14.962,0:14:18.406
I was able to end my own crazy love story

0:14:18.406,0:14:20.607
by breaking the silence.

0:14:20.607,0:14:23.122
I'm still breaking the silence today.

0:14:23.122,0:14:26.938
It's my way of helping other victims,

0:14:26.938,0:14:30.306
and it's my final request of you.

0:14:30.306,0:14:33.138
Talk about what you heard here.

0:14:33.138,0:14:36.466
Abuse thrives only in silence.

0:14:36.466,0:14:40.169
You have the power to end domestic violence

0:14:40.169,0:14:43.678
simply by shining a spotlight on it.

0:14:43.678,0:14:46.752
We victims need everyone.

0:14:46.752,0:14:50.825
We need every one of you to understand

0:14:50.825,0:14:54.603
the secrets of domestic violence.

0:14:54.603,0:14:57.587
Show abuse the light of day by talking about it

0:14:57.587,0:14:59.714
with your children, your coworkers,

0:14:59.714,0:15:01.651
your friends and family.

0:15:01.651,0:15:05.097
Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people

0:15:05.097,0:15:07.912
with full futures.

0:15:07.912,0:15:11.393
Recognize the early signs of violence

0:15:11.393,0:15:14.226
and conscientiously intervene,

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deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.

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Together we can make our beds,

0:15:22.383,0:15:26.000
our dinner tables and our families

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the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

0:15:29.257,0:15:31.229
Thank you.

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(Applause)