0:00:00.976,0:00:05.206 "Even in purely nonreligious terms, 0:00:05.230,0:00:10.446 homosexuality represents[br]a misuse of the sexual faculty. 0:00:10.970,0:00:15.691 It is a pathetic little second-rate[br]substitute for reality -- 0:00:15.715,0:00:17.661 a pitiable flight from life. 0:00:18.167,0:00:21.913 As such, it deserves no compassion, 0:00:21.937,0:00:27.119 it deserves no treatment[br]as minority martyrdom, 0:00:27.143,0:00:33.083 and it deserves not to be deemed[br]anything but a pernicious sickness." 0:00:33.687,0:00:38.713 That's from "Time" magazine in 1966,[br]when I was three years old. 0:00:39.215,0:00:42.719 And last year, the president[br]of the United States 0:00:42.743,0:00:45.406 came out in favor of gay marriage. 0:00:45.992,0:00:52.956 (Applause) 0:00:53.488,0:00:55.045 And my question is: 0:00:55.069,0:00:58.625 How did we get from there to here? 0:00:58.649,0:01:02.711 How did an illness become an identity? 0:01:03.497,0:01:06.564 When I was perhaps six years old, 0:01:06.588,0:01:09.128 I went to a shoe store[br]with my mother and my brother. 0:01:09.152,0:01:11.723 And at the end of buying our shoes, 0:01:11.747,0:01:15.193 the salesman said to us that we could[br]each have a balloon to take home. 0:01:15.611,0:01:17.727 My brother wanted a red balloon, 0:01:17.751,0:01:20.291 and I wanted a pink balloon. 0:01:21.092,0:01:25.694 My mother said that she thought[br]I'd really rather have a blue balloon. 0:01:25.718,0:01:26.749 (Laughter) 0:01:26.773,0:01:29.111 But I said that I definitely[br]wanted the pink one. 0:01:29.135,0:01:34.239 And she reminded me[br]that my favorite color was blue. 0:01:34.752,0:01:39.119 The fact that my favorite color[br]now is blue, but I'm still gay -- 0:01:39.143,0:01:42.372 (Laughter) 0:01:42.396,0:01:45.247 is evidence of both my mother's influence 0:01:45.271,0:01:46.425 and its limits. 0:01:46.449,0:01:48.666 (Laughter) 0:01:48.690,0:01:55.109 (Applause) 0:01:55.704,0:01:58.374 When I was little, my mother used to say, 0:01:58.398,0:02:02.985 "The love you have for your children[br]is like no other feeling in the world. 0:02:03.009,0:02:06.185 And until you have children,[br]you don't know what it's like." 0:02:06.209,0:02:09.659 And when I was little, I took it[br]as the greatest compliment in the world 0:02:09.683,0:02:12.445 that she would say that[br]about parenting my brother and me. 0:02:12.469,0:02:15.787 And when I was an adolescent,[br]I thought, "But I'm gay, 0:02:15.811,0:02:18.143 and so I probably can't have a family." 0:02:18.167,0:02:20.532 And when she said it, it made me anxious. 0:02:20.556,0:02:22.253 And after I came out of the closet, 0:02:22.277,0:02:25.180 when she continued to say it,[br]it made me furious. 0:02:25.204,0:02:29.498 I said, "I'm gay. That's not[br]the direction that I'm headed in. 0:02:29.522,0:02:31.558 And I want you to stop saying that." 0:02:35.400,0:02:37.099 About 20 years ago, 0:02:37.123,0:02:40.174 I was asked by my editors[br]at the "New York Times Magazine" 0:02:40.198,0:02:42.894 to write a piece about Deaf culture. 0:02:42.918,0:02:44.324 And I was rather taken aback. 0:02:44.348,0:02:46.652 I had thought of deafness[br]entirely as an illness: 0:02:46.676,0:02:48.636 those poor people, they couldn't hear, 0:02:48.660,0:02:51.280 they lacked hearing,[br]and what could we do for them? 0:02:51.304,0:02:53.798 And then I went out into the Deaf world. 0:02:53.822,0:02:55.703 I went to Deaf clubs. 0:02:55.727,0:03:00.105 I saw performances of Deaf theater[br]and of Deaf poetry. 0:03:00.129,0:03:05.835 I even went to the Miss Deaf America[br]contest in Nashville, Tennessee, 0:03:05.859,0:03:09.502 where people complained[br]about that slurry Southern signing. 0:03:10.031,0:03:13.575 (Laughter) 0:03:14.035,0:03:18.148 And as I plunged deeper and deeper[br]into the Deaf world, 0:03:18.172,0:03:21.146 I became convinced[br]that Deafness was a culture 0:03:21.170,0:03:23.392 and that the people[br]in the Deaf world who said, 0:03:23.416,0:03:26.887 "We don't lack hearing;[br]we have membership in a culture," 0:03:26.911,0:03:29.173 were saying something that was viable. 0:03:29.197,0:03:30.625 It wasn't my culture, 0:03:30.649,0:03:33.578 and I didn't particularly[br]want to rush off and join it, 0:03:33.602,0:03:36.112 but I appreciated that it was a culture 0:03:36.136,0:03:38.503 and that for the people[br]who were members of it, 0:03:38.527,0:03:44.857 it felt as valuable as Latino culture[br]or gay culture or Jewish culture. 0:03:44.881,0:03:48.913 It felt as valid, perhaps,[br]even as American culture. 0:03:49.898,0:03:53.190 Then a friend of a friend of mine[br]had a daughter who was a dwarf. 0:03:53.214,0:03:54.713 And when her daughter was born, 0:03:54.737,0:03:57.086 she suddenly found herself[br]confronting questions 0:03:57.110,0:03:59.743 that now began to seem[br]quite resonant to me. 0:03:59.767,0:04:03.353 She was facing the question[br]of what to do with this child. 0:04:03.377,0:04:07.131 Should she say, "You're just like[br]everyone else but a little bit shorter?" 0:04:07.155,0:04:10.372 Or should she try to construct[br]some kind of dwarf identity, 0:04:10.396,0:04:12.767 get involved in[br]the Little People of America, 0:04:12.791,0:04:15.368 become aware of what was[br]happening for dwarfs? 0:04:15.704,0:04:17.187 And I suddenly thought, 0:04:17.211,0:04:19.716 "Most deaf children are born[br]to hearing parents. 0:04:19.740,0:04:22.189 Those hearing parents[br]tend to try to cure them. 0:04:22.213,0:04:26.342 Those deaf people discover community[br]somehow in adolescence. 0:04:26.366,0:04:28.502 Most gay people[br]are born to straight parents. 0:04:28.526,0:04:31.097 Those straight parents[br]often want them to function 0:04:31.121,0:04:33.349 in what they think of[br]as the mainstream world, 0:04:33.373,0:04:36.824 and those gay people[br]have to discover identity later on. 0:04:36.848,0:04:38.486 And here was this friend of mine, 0:04:38.510,0:04:42.030 looking at these questions of identity[br]with her dwarf daughter. 0:04:42.054,0:04:43.768 And I thought, "There it is again: 0:04:43.792,0:04:46.287 a family that perceives[br]itself to be normal 0:04:46.311,0:04:48.932 with a child who seems[br]to be extraordinary." 0:04:48.956,0:04:52.993 And I hatched the idea that there are[br]really two kinds of identity. 0:04:53.518,0:04:54.987 There are vertical identities, 0:04:55.011,0:04:58.182 which are passed down generationally[br]from parent to child. 0:04:58.206,0:05:00.330 Those are things like ethnicity, 0:05:00.354,0:05:03.679 frequently nationality,[br]language, often religion. 0:05:03.703,0:05:08.183 Those are things you have in common[br]with your parents and with your children. 0:05:08.207,0:05:10.635 And while some of them can be difficult, 0:05:10.659,0:05:12.603 there's no attempt to cure them. 0:05:12.627,0:05:15.859 You can argue that it's harder[br]in the United States -- 0:05:15.883,0:05:18.002 our current presidency notwithstanding -- 0:05:18.026,0:05:19.666 to be a person of color. 0:05:19.690,0:05:22.406 And yet, we have nobody[br]who is trying to ensure 0:05:22.430,0:05:26.476 that the next generation of children[br]born to African-Americans and Asians 0:05:26.500,0:05:29.352 come out with creamy skin and yellow hair. 0:05:30.027,0:05:34.117 There are these other identities[br]which you have to learn from a peer group, 0:05:34.141,0:05:36.217 and I call them "horizontal identities," 0:05:36.241,0:05:39.346 because the peer group[br]is the horizontal experience. 0:05:39.370,0:05:41.947 These are identities[br]that are alien to your parents 0:05:41.971,0:05:46.165 and that you have to discover[br]when you get to see them in peers. 0:05:46.189,0:05:49.250 And those identities,[br]those horizontal identities, 0:05:49.274,0:05:53.007 people have almost always tried to cure. 0:05:53.031,0:05:55.366 And I wanted to look[br]at what the process is 0:05:55.390,0:05:57.945 through which people[br]who have those identities 0:05:57.969,0:06:00.438 come to a good relationship with them. 0:06:00.462,0:06:04.609 And it seemed to me that there were[br]three levels of acceptance 0:06:04.633,0:06:06.271 that needed to take place. 0:06:06.295,0:06:11.646 There's self-acceptance, there's family[br]acceptance, and there's social acceptance. 0:06:11.670,0:06:13.892 And they don't always coincide. 0:06:13.916,0:06:17.730 And a lot of the time, people who have[br]these conditions are very angry, 0:06:17.754,0:06:21.236 because they feel as though[br]their parents don't love them, 0:06:21.260,0:06:24.988 when what actually has happened[br]is that their parents don't accept them. 0:06:25.012,0:06:28.186 Love is something that,[br]ideally, is there unconditionally 0:06:28.210,0:06:31.479 throughout the relationship[br]between a parent and a child. 0:06:31.503,0:06:34.637 But acceptance[br]is something that takes time. 0:06:34.661,0:06:36.405 It always takes time. 0:06:37.199,0:06:41.287 One of the dwarfs I got to know[br]was a guy named Clinton Brown. 0:06:41.859,0:06:45.093 When he was born, he was diagnosed[br]with diastrophic dwarfism, 0:06:45.117,0:06:46.767 a very disabling condition, 0:06:46.791,0:06:49.188 and his parents were told[br]that he would never walk, 0:06:49.212,0:06:50.386 he would never talk, 0:06:50.410,0:06:52.433 he would have no intellectual capacity, 0:06:52.457,0:06:54.897 and he would probably[br]not even recognize them. 0:06:54.921,0:06:58.451 And it was suggested to them[br]that they leave him at the hospital 0:06:58.475,0:07:00.515 so that he could die there quietly. 0:07:00.539,0:07:02.699 His mother said she wasn't going to do it, 0:07:02.723,0:07:04.430 and she took her son home. 0:07:04.454,0:07:08.231 And even though she didn't have a lot[br]of educational or financial advantages, 0:07:08.255,0:07:12.279 she found the best doctor in the country[br]for dealing with diastrophic dwarfism, 0:07:12.303,0:07:14.445 and she got Clinton enrolled with him. 0:07:14.469,0:07:16.639 And in the course of his childhood, 0:07:16.663,0:07:19.471 he had 30 major surgical procedures. 0:07:19.495,0:07:21.761 And he spent all this time[br]stuck in the hospital 0:07:21.785,0:07:23.578 while he was having those procedures, 0:07:23.602,0:07:25.681 as a result of which, he now can walk. 0:07:25.705,0:07:30.165 While he was there, they sent tutors[br]around to help him with his schoolwork, 0:07:30.189,0:07:33.166 and he worked very hard,[br]because there was nothing else to do. 0:07:33.190,0:07:34.741 He ended up achieving at a level 0:07:34.765,0:07:38.152 that had never before been contemplated[br]by any member of his family. 0:07:38.557,0:07:41.653 He was the first one in his family,[br]in fact, to go to college, 0:07:41.677,0:07:44.817 where he lived on campus[br]and drove a specially fitted car 0:07:44.841,0:07:47.788 that accommodated his unusual body. 0:07:47.812,0:07:50.917 And his mother told me the story[br]of coming home one day -- 0:07:50.941,0:07:52.612 and he went to college nearby -- 0:07:52.636,0:07:55.628 and she said, "I saw that car,[br]which you can always recognize, 0:07:55.652,0:07:58.779 in the parking lot of a bar," she said. 0:07:58.803,0:08:00.176 (Laughter) 0:08:00.200,0:08:01.938 "And I thought to myself, 0:08:01.962,0:08:04.599 'They're six feet tall,[br]he's three feet tall. 0:08:04.623,0:08:07.032 Two beers for them[br]is four beers for him.'" 0:08:07.056,0:08:09.866 She said, "I knew I couldn't[br]go in there and interrupt him, 0:08:09.890,0:08:13.268 but I went home, and I left him[br]eight messages on his cell phone." 0:08:13.933,0:08:15.388 She said, "And then I thought, 0:08:15.412,0:08:17.510 if someone had said to me,[br]when he was born, 0:08:17.534,0:08:21.240 that my future worry would be[br]that he'd go drinking and driving 0:08:21.264,0:08:22.757 with his college buddies ..." 0:08:22.781,0:08:24.352 (Laughter) 0:08:24.376,0:08:31.353 (Applause) 0:08:31.861,0:08:33.026 And I said to her, 0:08:33.050,0:08:35.522 "What do you think you did[br]that helped him to emerge 0:08:35.546,0:08:38.395 as this charming, accomplished,[br]wonderful person?" 0:08:38.419,0:08:41.064 And she said, "What did I do? 0:08:41.088,0:08:43.146 I loved him, that's all. 0:08:43.170,0:08:46.564 Clinton just always had that light in him. 0:08:46.588,0:08:51.554 And his father and I were lucky enough[br]to be the first to see it there." 0:08:52.887,0:08:55.410 I'm going to quote[br]from another magazine of the '60s. 0:08:55.434,0:08:58.070 This one is from 1968 -- 0:08:58.094,0:09:01.501 "The Atlantic Monthly,"[br]voice of liberal America -- 0:09:01.525,0:09:03.915 written by an important bioethicist. 0:09:03.939,0:09:07.836 He said, "There is no[br]reason to feel guilty 0:09:07.860,0:09:11.415 about putting a Down's[br]syndrome child away, 0:09:11.439,0:09:16.404 whether it is 'put away' in the sense[br]of hidden in a sanitarium 0:09:16.428,0:09:19.406 or in a more responsible, lethal sense. 0:09:20.189,0:09:23.169 It is sad, yes. Dreadful. 0:09:23.193,0:09:25.058 But it carries no guilt. 0:09:25.082,0:09:29.213 True guilt arises only[br]from an offense against a person, 0:09:29.237,0:09:32.598 and a Down's is not a person." 0:09:33.838,0:09:37.617 There's been a lot of ink given[br]to the enormous progress that we've made 0:09:37.641,0:09:39.665 in the treatment of gay people. 0:09:39.689,0:09:43.918 The fact that our attitude has changed[br]is in the headlines every day. 0:09:43.942,0:09:48.318 But we forget how we used to see people[br]who had other differences, 0:09:48.342,0:09:50.641 how we used to see people[br]who were disabled, 0:09:50.665,0:09:53.522 how inhuman we held people to be. 0:09:53.546,0:09:55.753 And the change that's been[br]accomplished there, 0:09:55.777,0:09:57.337 which is almost equally radical, 0:09:57.361,0:10:00.382 is one that we pay[br]not very much attention to. 0:10:00.406,0:10:04.104 One of the families I interviewed,[br]Tom and Karen Robards, 0:10:04.128,0:10:07.660 were taken aback when,[br]as young and successful New Yorkers, 0:10:07.684,0:10:10.635 their first child was diagnosed[br]with Down syndrome. 0:10:11.316,0:10:15.466 They thought the educational opportunities[br]for him were not what they should be, 0:10:15.490,0:10:19.319 and so they decided[br]they would build a little center -- 0:10:19.343,0:10:22.920 two classrooms that they started[br]with a few other parents -- 0:10:22.944,0:10:25.262 to educate kids with DS. 0:10:25.286,0:10:29.346 And over the years, that center grew[br]into something called the Cooke Center, 0:10:29.370,0:10:32.068 where there are now thousands[br]upon thousands of children 0:10:32.092,0:10:33.741 with intellectual disabilities 0:10:33.765,0:10:35.280 who are being taught. 0:10:35.304,0:10:38.548 In the time since that "Atlantic[br]Monthly" story ran, 0:10:38.572,0:10:43.095 the life expectancy for people[br]with Down syndrome has tripled. 0:10:43.119,0:10:47.664 The experience of Down syndrome[br]people includes those who are actors, 0:10:47.688,0:10:52.690 those who are writers, some who are able[br]to live fully independently in adulthood. 0:10:53.579,0:10:55.419 The Robards had a lot to do with that. 0:10:55.443,0:10:56.896 And I said, "Do you regret it? 0:10:56.920,0:10:59.415 Do you wish your child[br]didn't have Down syndrome? 0:10:59.439,0:11:01.264 Do you wish you'd never heard of it?" 0:11:01.288,0:11:03.942 And interestingly, his father said, 0:11:03.966,0:11:06.106 "Well, for David, our son, I regret it, 0:11:06.130,0:11:09.598 because for David,[br]it's a difficult way to be in the world, 0:11:09.622,0:11:12.427 and I'd like to give David an easier life. 0:11:12.451,0:11:15.258 But I think if we lost[br]everyone with Down syndrome, 0:11:15.282,0:11:17.643 it would be a catastrophic loss." 0:11:17.667,0:11:20.932 And Karen Robards[br]said to me, "I'm with Tom. 0:11:20.956,0:11:24.818 For David, I would cure it in an instant,[br]to give him an easier life. 0:11:24.842,0:11:26.753 But speaking for myself -- 0:11:26.777,0:11:30.254 well, I would never have believed[br]23 years ago when he was born 0:11:30.278,0:11:32.356 that I could come to such a point. 0:11:32.380,0:11:36.691 Speaking for myself, it's made me[br]so much better and so much kinder 0:11:36.715,0:11:41.621 and so much more purposeful in my whole[br]life that, speaking for myself, 0:11:41.645,0:11:45.121 I wouldn't give it up[br]for anything in the world." 0:11:46.422,0:11:50.440 We live at a point when social acceptance[br]for these and many other conditions 0:11:50.464,0:11:52.087 is on the up and up. 0:11:52.111,0:11:54.172 And yet we also live at the moment 0:11:54.196,0:11:56.827 when our ability to eliminate[br]those conditions 0:11:56.851,0:11:59.676 has reached a height[br]we never imagined before. 0:11:59.700,0:12:02.548 Most deaf infants[br]born in the United States now 0:12:02.572,0:12:04.548 will receive cochlear implants, 0:12:04.572,0:12:09.280 which are put into the brain[br]and connected to a receiver, 0:12:09.304,0:12:12.288 and which allow them to acquire[br]a facsimile of hearing 0:12:12.312,0:12:14.435 and to use oral speech. 0:12:14.459,0:12:18.700 A compound that has been tested[br]in mice, BMN-111, 0:12:18.724,0:12:23.297 is useful in preventing[br]the action of the achondroplasia gene. 0:12:23.321,0:12:26.276 Achondroplasia is the most common[br]form of dwarfism, 0:12:26.300,0:12:28.388 and mice who have been given[br]that substance 0:12:28.412,0:12:30.256 and who have the achondroplasia gene 0:12:30.280,0:12:31.993 grow to full size. 0:12:32.017,0:12:34.937 Testing in humans is around the corner. 0:12:34.961,0:12:37.414 There are blood tests[br]which are making progress 0:12:37.438,0:12:41.494 that would pick up Down syndrome[br]more clearly and earlier in pregnancies 0:12:41.518,0:12:42.673 than ever before, 0:12:42.697,0:12:47.587 making it easier and easier for people[br]to eliminate those pregnancies, 0:12:47.611,0:12:48.934 or to terminate them. 0:12:48.958,0:12:53.913 So we have both social progress[br]and medical progress. 0:12:53.937,0:12:55.519 And I believe in both of them. 0:12:55.543,0:12:59.834 I believe the social progress is fantastic[br]and meaningful and wonderful, 0:12:59.858,0:13:02.816 and I think the same thing[br]about the medical progress. 0:13:02.840,0:13:07.179 But I think it's a tragedy[br]when one of them doesn't see the other. 0:13:07.203,0:13:09.251 And when I see the way[br]they're intersecting 0:13:09.275,0:13:11.651 in conditions like the three[br]I've just described, 0:13:11.675,0:13:15.296 I sometimes think it's like[br]those moments in grand opera 0:13:15.320,0:13:17.877 when the hero realizes[br]he loves the heroine 0:13:17.901,0:13:22.165 at the exact moment[br]that she lies expiring on a divan. 0:13:22.189,0:13:24.564 (Laughter) 0:13:25.401,0:13:28.876 We have to think about how we feel[br]about cures altogether. 0:13:28.900,0:13:31.712 And a lot of the time[br]the question of parenthood is: 0:13:31.736,0:13:33.487 What do we validate in our children, 0:13:33.511,0:13:35.316 and what do we cure in them? 0:13:35.340,0:13:39.487 Jim Sinclair, a prominent[br]autism activist, said, 0:13:39.511,0:13:44.088 "When parents say, 'I wish[br]my child did not have autism,' 0:13:44.112,0:13:48.923 what they're really saying is,[br]'I wish the child I have did not exist 0:13:48.947,0:13:52.299 and I had a different,[br]nonautistic child instead.' 0:13:52.858,0:13:57.964 Read that again. This is what we hear[br]when you mourn over our existence. 0:13:57.988,0:14:01.013 This is what we hear[br]when you pray for a cure: 0:14:01.037,0:14:05.439 that your fondest wish for us[br]is that someday we will cease to be, 0:14:05.463,0:14:10.082 and strangers you can love[br]will move in behind our faces." 0:14:11.241,0:14:13.710 It's a very extreme point of view, 0:14:13.734,0:14:18.047 but it points to the reality[br]that people engage with the life they have 0:14:18.071,0:14:22.612 and they don't want to be cured[br]or changed or eliminated. 0:14:22.636,0:14:25.698 They want to be whoever it is[br]that they've come to be. 0:14:26.245,0:14:29.856 One of the families[br]I interviewed for this project 0:14:29.880,0:14:31.607 was the family of Dylan Klebold, 0:14:31.631,0:14:35.016 who was one of the perpetrators[br]of the Columbine massacre. 0:14:35.040,0:14:37.681 It took a long time[br]to persuade them to talk to me, 0:14:37.705,0:14:40.329 and once they agreed,[br]they were so full of their story 0:14:40.353,0:14:42.049 that they couldn't stop telling it, 0:14:42.073,0:14:44.872 and the first weekend I spent[br]with them, the first of many, 0:14:44.896,0:14:47.882 I recorded more than 20 hours[br]of conversation. 0:14:47.906,0:14:49.928 And on Sunday night,[br]we were all exhausted. 0:14:49.952,0:14:53.192 We were sitting in the kitchen.[br]Sue Klebold was fixing dinner. 0:14:53.216,0:14:55.866 And I said, "If Dylan were here now, 0:14:55.890,0:14:58.537 do you have a sense[br]of what you'd want to ask him?" 0:14:58.561,0:15:00.765 And his father said, "I sure do. 0:15:00.789,0:15:03.634 I'd want to ask him what the hell[br]he thought he was doing." 0:15:04.068,0:15:07.326 And Sue looked at the floor,[br]and she thought for a minute. 0:15:08.286,0:15:10.631 And then she looked back up and said, 0:15:10.655,0:15:14.288 "I would ask him to forgive me[br]for being his mother 0:15:14.312,0:15:17.393 and never knowing[br]what was going on inside his head." 0:15:18.586,0:15:21.531 When I had dinner with her[br]a couple of years later -- 0:15:21.555,0:15:23.768 one of many dinners[br]that we had together -- 0:15:23.792,0:15:26.648 she said, "You know,[br]when it first happened, 0:15:26.672,0:15:30.731 I used to wish that I had never married,[br]that I had never had children. 0:15:30.755,0:15:34.182 If I hadn't gone to Ohio State[br]and crossed paths with Tom, 0:15:34.206,0:15:35.903 this child wouldn't have existed, 0:15:35.927,0:15:38.135 and this terrible thing[br]wouldn't have happened. 0:15:38.159,0:15:42.188 But I've come to feel that I love[br]the children I had so much 0:15:42.212,0:15:44.919 that I don't want to imagine[br]a life without them. 0:15:45.563,0:15:48.410 I recognize the pain[br]they caused to others, 0:15:48.434,0:15:50.548 for which there can be no forgiveness, 0:15:50.572,0:15:54.131 but the pain they caused[br]to me, there is," she said. 0:15:54.155,0:15:57.743 "So while I recognize that[br]it would have been better for the world 0:15:57.767,0:16:00.313 if Dylan had never been born, 0:16:00.337,0:16:04.532 I've decided that it would not[br]have been better for me." 0:16:06.420,0:16:07.938 I thought it was surprising 0:16:07.962,0:16:10.614 how all of these families[br]had all of these children 0:16:10.638,0:16:12.104 with all of these problems, 0:16:12.128,0:16:15.180 problems that they mostly[br]would have done anything to avoid, 0:16:15.204,0:16:19.094 and that they had all found so much[br]meaning in that experience of parenting. 0:16:19.118,0:16:22.241 And then I thought,[br]all of us who have children 0:16:22.265,0:16:25.176 love the children we have,[br]with their flaws. 0:16:25.200,0:16:29.129 If some glorious angel suddenly descended[br]through my living-room ceiling 0:16:29.153,0:16:31.355 and offered to take away[br]the children I have 0:16:31.379,0:16:33.708 and give me other, better children -- 0:16:33.732,0:16:37.178 more polite, funnier, nicer, smarter -- 0:16:37.202,0:16:38.411 (Laughter) 0:16:38.435,0:16:43.029 I would cling to the children I have[br]and pray away that atrocious spectacle. 0:16:43.053,0:16:44.422 And ultimately, 0:16:44.446,0:16:48.931 I feel that in the same way that we test[br]flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno 0:16:48.955,0:16:53.140 to ensure they won't catch fire[br]when our child reaches across the stove, 0:16:53.164,0:16:57.177 so these stories of families[br]negotiating these extreme differences 0:16:57.201,0:16:59.864 reflect on the universal[br]experience of parenting, 0:16:59.888,0:17:04.408 which is always that sometimes,[br]you look at your child, and you think, 0:17:04.432,0:17:06.368 "Where did you come from?" 0:17:06.392,0:17:08.916 (Laughter) 0:17:08.940,0:17:13.653 It turns out that while each of these[br]individual differences is siloed -- 0:17:13.677,0:17:16.462 there are only so many families[br]dealing with schizophrenia, 0:17:16.486,0:17:19.084 only so many families[br]of children who are transgender, 0:17:19.108,0:17:20.970 only so many families of prodigies -- 0:17:20.994,0:17:23.483 who also face similar[br]challenges in many ways -- 0:17:23.507,0:17:26.354 there are only so many families[br]in each of those categories. 0:17:26.378,0:17:27.613 But if you start to think 0:17:27.637,0:17:31.145 that the experience of negotiating[br]difference within your family 0:17:31.169,0:17:33.248 is what people are addressing, 0:17:33.272,0:17:36.593 then you discover that it's a nearly[br]universal phenomenon. 0:17:36.617,0:17:38.247 Ironically, it turns out, 0:17:38.271,0:17:41.679 that it's our differences[br]and our negotiation of difference 0:17:41.703,0:17:42.957 that unite us. 0:17:43.832,0:17:48.832 I decided to have children[br]while I was working on this project. 0:17:49.292,0:17:52.490 And many people were astonished and said, 0:17:52.514,0:17:54.513 "But how can you decide to have children 0:17:54.537,0:17:57.518 in the midst of studying[br]everything that can go wrong?" 0:17:58.550,0:18:01.656 And I said, "I'm not studying[br]everything that can go wrong. 0:18:01.680,0:18:04.792 What I'm studying is how much[br]love there can be, 0:18:04.816,0:18:08.856 even when everything appears[br]to be going wrong." 0:18:09.499,0:18:15.040 I thought a lot about the mother[br]of one disabled child I had seen, 0:18:15.064,0:18:18.650 a severely disabled child[br]who died through caregiver neglect. 0:18:18.674,0:18:21.698 And when his ashes[br]were interred, his mother said, 0:18:22.745,0:18:29.656 "I pray here for forgiveness[br]for having been twice robbed: 0:18:29.680,0:18:32.392 once of the child I wanted, 0:18:32.416,0:18:35.020 and once of the son I loved." 0:18:35.577,0:18:40.107 And I figured it was possible,[br]then, for anyone to love any child, 0:18:40.131,0:18:42.469 if they had the effective will to do so. 0:18:43.003,0:18:47.966 So, my husband is the biological[br]father of two children 0:18:47.990,0:18:50.095 with some lesbian friends in Minneapolis. 0:18:51.293,0:18:54.802 I had a close friend from college[br]who'd gone through a divorce 0:18:54.826,0:18:56.490 and wanted to have children. 0:18:56.514,0:18:58.227 And so she and I have a daughter, 0:18:58.251,0:19:00.466 and mother and daughter live in Texas. 0:19:00.490,0:19:03.838 And my husband and I have a son[br]who lives with us all the time, 0:19:03.862,0:19:06.222 of whom I am the biological father, 0:19:06.246,0:19:09.970 and our surrogate[br]for the pregnancy was Laura, 0:19:09.994,0:19:12.771 the lesbian mother[br]of Oliver and Lucy in Minneapolis. 0:19:12.795,0:19:14.222 (Laughter) 0:19:14.246,0:19:15.405 So -- 0:19:15.429,0:19:22.131 (Applause) 0:19:22.155,0:19:26.530 The shorthand is: five parents[br]of four children in three states. 0:19:26.554,0:19:27.648 (Laughter) 0:19:27.672,0:19:30.680 And there are people who think[br]that the existence of my family 0:19:30.704,0:19:35.193 somehow undermines or weakens[br]or damages their family. 0:19:35.217,0:19:38.747 And there are people who think[br]that families like mine 0:19:38.771,0:19:40.425 shouldn't be allowed to exist. 0:19:40.449,0:19:44.349 And I don't accept[br]subtractive models of love, 0:19:44.373,0:19:45.752 only additive ones. 0:19:46.137,0:19:49.640 And I believe that in the same way[br]that we need species diversity 0:19:49.664,0:19:52.089 to ensure that the planet can go on, 0:19:52.113,0:19:56.390 so we need this diversity[br]of affection and diversity of family 0:19:56.414,0:19:59.693 in order to strengthen[br]the ecosphere of kindness. 0:20:01.082,0:20:03.480 The day after our son was born, 0:20:03.504,0:20:05.943 the pediatrician came[br]into the hospital room 0:20:05.967,0:20:07.858 and said she was concerned. 0:20:07.882,0:20:11.000 He wasn't extending[br]his legs appropriately. 0:20:11.024,0:20:13.561 She said that might mean[br]that he had brain damage. 0:20:13.585,0:20:17.316 Insofar as he was extending them,[br]he was doing so asymmetrically, 0:20:17.340,0:20:21.054 which she thought could mean that[br]there was a tumor of some kind in action. 0:20:21.078,0:20:22.742 And he had a very large head, 0:20:22.766,0:20:25.701 which she thought[br]might indicate hydrocephalus. 0:20:25.725,0:20:27.613 And as she told me all of these things, 0:20:27.637,0:20:31.458 I felt the very center of my being[br]pouring out onto the floor. 0:20:31.482,0:20:33.930 And I thought, "Here I had been[br]working for years 0:20:33.954,0:20:36.479 on a book about how much[br]meaning people had found 0:20:36.503,0:20:40.136 in the experience of parenting[br]children who were disabled, 0:20:40.160,0:20:43.638 and I didn't want to join their number 0:20:43.662,0:20:46.436 because what I was encountering[br]was an idea of illness." 0:20:46.460,0:20:49.202 And like all parents[br]since the dawn of time, 0:20:49.226,0:20:52.203 I wanted to protect my child from illness. 0:20:52.227,0:20:55.470 And I wanted, also,[br]to protect myself from illness. 0:20:55.494,0:20:58.241 And yet, I knew from the work I had done 0:20:58.265,0:21:02.081 that if he had any of the things[br]we were about to start testing for, 0:21:02.105,0:21:05.068 that those would ultimately[br]be his identity, 0:21:05.092,0:21:09.131 and if they were his identity,[br]they would become my identity, 0:21:09.155,0:21:13.423 that that illness was going to take[br]a very different shape as it unfolded. 0:21:13.447,0:21:16.576 We took him to the MRI machine,[br]we took him to the CAT scanner, 0:21:16.600,0:21:20.384 we took this day-old child and gave him[br]over for an arterial blood draw. 0:21:20.408,0:21:21.669 We felt helpless. 0:21:21.693,0:21:23.350 And at the end of five hours, 0:21:23.374,0:21:25.586 they said that his brain[br]was completely clear 0:21:25.610,0:21:28.388 and that he was by then[br]extending his legs correctly. 0:21:28.412,0:21:31.412 And when I asked the pediatrician[br]what had been going on, 0:21:31.436,0:21:35.596 she said she thought in the morning,[br]he had probably had a cramp. 0:21:35.620,0:21:39.071 (Laughter) 0:21:39.095,0:21:40.357 But I thought -- 0:21:40.381,0:21:44.306 (Laughter) 0:21:44.330,0:21:46.929 I thought how my mother was right. 0:21:46.953,0:21:50.425 I thought, "The love you have[br]for your children 0:21:50.449,0:21:53.811 is unlike any other feeling in the world. 0:21:53.835,0:21:58.508 And until you have children,[br]you don't know what it feels like. 0:22:00.158,0:22:02.294 I think children had ensnared me 0:22:02.318,0:22:05.320 the moment I connected[br]fatherhood with loss. 0:22:06.138,0:22:08.172 But I'm not sure I would have noticed that 0:22:08.196,0:22:12.540 if I hadn't been so in the thick[br]of this research project of mine. 0:22:13.462,0:22:16.578 I'd encountered so much strange love, 0:22:16.602,0:22:20.323 and I fell very naturally[br]into its bewitching patterns. 0:22:20.347,0:22:26.220 And I saw how splendor can illuminate[br]even the most abject vulnerabilities. 0:22:27.206,0:22:30.988 During these 10 years,[br]I had witnessed and learned 0:22:31.012,0:22:34.564 the terrifying joy[br]of unbearable responsibility, 0:22:34.588,0:22:37.676 and I had come to see[br]how it conquers everything else. 0:22:38.264,0:22:42.313 And while I had sometimes thought[br]the parents I was interviewing were fools, 0:22:42.337,0:22:47.334 enslaving themselves to a lifetime's[br]journey with their thankless children 0:22:47.358,0:22:50.516 and trying to breed[br]identity out of misery, 0:22:50.540,0:22:55.163 I realized that day that my research[br]had built me a plank 0:22:55.187,0:22:57.701 and that I was ready[br]to join them on their ship. 0:22:58.581,0:22:59.789 Thank you. 0:22:59.813,0:23:06.792 (Applause and cheers) 0:23:08.096,0:23:09.246 Thank you.