[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.38,0:00:04.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Even in purely non-religious terms,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.60,0:00:10.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,homosexuality represents a misuse of the sexual faculty.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.66,0:00:15.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is a pathetic little second-rate substitute for reality --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.28,0:00:17.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a pitiable flight from life.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.68,0:00:21.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As such, it deserves no compassion,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.51,0:00:24.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it deserves no treatment
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.07,0:00:26.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as minority martyrdom,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.84,0:00:33.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it deserves not to be deemed anything but a pernicious sickness."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.52,0:00:38.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's from Time magazine in 1966, when I was three years old.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:38.74,0:00:42.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And last year, the president of the United States
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.65,0:00:45.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,came out in favor of gay marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:45.23,0:00:52.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.68,0:00:58.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my question is, how did we get from there to here?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.38,0:01:03.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How did an illness become an identity?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.12,0:01:06.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was perhaps six years old,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.08,0:01:09.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went to a shoe store with my mother and my brother.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.02,0:01:11.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at the end of buying our shoes,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:11.42,0:01:15.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the salesman said to us that we could each have a balloon to take home.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.22,0:01:20.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My brother wanted a red balloon, and I wanted a pink balloon.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:20.88,0:01:25.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mother said that she thought I'd really rather have a blue balloon.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.80,0:01:28.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I said that I definitely wanted the pink one.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.93,0:01:34.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she reminded me that my favorite color was blue.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.35,0:01:39.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The fact that my favorite color now is blue, but I'm still gay --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.14,0:01:42.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) --
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.25,0:01:46.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is evidence of both my mother's influence and its limits.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.62,0:01:48.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.69,0:01:55.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.56,0:01:58.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was little, my mother used to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.11,0:02:02.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"The love you have for your children is like no other feeling in the world.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.65,0:02:05.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And until you have children, you don't know what it's like."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.100,0:02:09.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I was little, I took it as the greatest compliment in the world
Dialogue: 0,0:02:09.19,0:02:12.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that she would say that about parenting my brother and me.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.01,0:02:14.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I was an adolescent, I thought
Dialogue: 0,0:02:14.64,0:02:18.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I'm gay, and so I probably can't have a family.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.00,0:02:20.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when she said it, it made me anxious.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.38,0:02:21.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And after I came out of the closet,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:21.90,0:02:25.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when she continued to say it, it made me furious.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.10,0:02:29.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "I'm gay. That's not the direction that I'm headed in.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.24,0:02:32.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I want you to stop saying that."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.01,0:02:40.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,About 20 years ago, I was asked by my editors at The New York Times Magazine
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.07,0:02:42.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to write a piece about deaf culture.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.51,0:02:44.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was rather taken aback.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.35,0:02:46.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had thought of deafness entirely as an illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.54,0:02:48.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those poor people, they couldn't hear.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.27,0:02:51.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They lacked hearing, and what could we do for them?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.04,0:02:53.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I went out into the deaf world.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.16,0:02:55.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went to deaf clubs.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:55.55,0:02:59.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I saw performances of deaf theater and of deaf poetry.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:59.47,0:03:05.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I even went to the Miss Deaf America contest in Nashville, Tennessee
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.68,0:03:09.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where people complained about that slurry Southern signing.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.53,0:03:13.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.78,0:03:17.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as I plunged deeper and deeper into the deaf world,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.71,0:03:20.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I become convinced that deafness was a culture
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.72,0:03:23.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that the people in the deaf world who said,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.08,0:03:26.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"We don't lack hearing, we have membership in a culture,"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.44,0:03:29.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were saying something that was viable.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:29.02,0:03:30.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It wasn't my culture,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.53,0:03:33.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't particularly want to rush off and join it,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.24,0:03:36.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I appreciated that it was a culture
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.08,0:03:38.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that for the people who were members of it,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.21,0:03:44.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it felt as valuable as Latino culture or gay culture or Jewish culture.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:44.50,0:03:49.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It felt as valid perhaps even as American culture.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.50,0:03:52.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then a friend of a friend of mine had a daughter who was a dwarf.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.91,0:03:54.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when her daughter was born,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.39,0:03:56.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she suddenly found herself confronting questions
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.72,0:03:59.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that now began to seem quite resonant to me.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.51,0:04:03.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was facing the question of what to do with this child.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.38,0:04:06.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Should she say, "You're just like everyone else but a little bit shorter?"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.84,0:04:10.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or should she try to construct some kind of dwarf identity,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.05,0:04:12.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,get involved in the Little People of America,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.60,0:04:15.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,become aware of what was happening for dwarfs?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.39,0:04:16.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I suddenly thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.99,0:04:19.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,most deaf children are born to hearing parents.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.21,0:04:22.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those hearing parents tend to try to cure them.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.01,0:04:26.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those deaf people discover community somehow in adolescence.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.18,0:04:28.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most gay people are born to straight parents.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.53,0:04:30.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those straight parents often want them to function
Dialogue: 0,0:04:30.97,0:04:33.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in what they think of as the mainstream world,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.24,0:04:36.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and those gay people have to discover identity later on.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:36.85,0:04:38.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And here was this friend of mine
Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.46,0:04:41.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,looking at these questions of identity with her dwarf daughter.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.79,0:04:43.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought, there it is again:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.57,0:04:46.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A family that perceives itself to be normal
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.14,0:04:48.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with a child who seems to be extraordinary.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.50,0:04:53.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I hatched the idea that there are really two kinds of identity.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.02,0:04:54.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are vertical identities,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.94,0:04:57.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which are passed down generationally from parent to child.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.92,0:05:03.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those are things like ethnicity, frequently nationality, language, often religion.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.53,0:05:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those are things you have in common with your parents and with your children.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.00,0:05:10.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And while some of them can be difficult,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:10.28,0:05:12.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there's no attempt to cure them.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.47,0:05:15.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can argue that it's harder in the United States --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.88,0:05:17.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our current presidency notwithstanding --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.86,0:05:19.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be a person of color.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.69,0:05:22.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, we have nobody who is trying to ensure
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.39,0:05:26.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the next generation of children born to African-Americans and Asians
Dialogue: 0,0:05:26.28,0:05:29.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,come out with creamy skin and yellow hair.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.67,0:05:33.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are these other identities which you have to learn from a peer group.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.94,0:05:36.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I call them horizontal identities,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:36.24,0:05:39.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because the peer group is the horizontal experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.14,0:05:41.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These are identities that are alien to your parents
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.70,0:05:45.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that you have to discover when you get to see them in peers.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.89,0:05:48.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And those identities, those horizontal identities,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.97,0:05:52.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people have almost always tried to cure.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.69,0:05:55.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I wanted to look at what the process is
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.36,0:05:57.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,through which people who have those identities
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.58,0:06:00.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,come to a good relationship with them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.30,0:06:04.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it seemed to me that there were three levels of acceptance
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.56,0:06:05.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that needed to take place.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.100,0:06:11.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's self-acceptance, there's family acceptance, and there's social acceptance.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:11.54,0:06:13.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they don't always coincide.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.49,0:06:17.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And a lot of the time, people who have these conditions are very angry
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.63,0:06:20.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they feel as though their parents don't love them,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.69,0:06:24.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when what actually has happened is that their parents don't accept them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.99,0:06:28.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Love is something that ideally is there unconditionally
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.16,0:06:31.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,throughout the relationship between a parent and a child.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.20,0:06:34.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But acceptance is something that takes time.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.47,0:06:36.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It always takes time.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.70,0:06:41.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of the dwarfs I got to know was a guy named Clinton Brown.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.60,0:06:44.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When he was born, he was diagnosed with diastrophic dwarfism,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:44.100,0:06:46.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a very disabling condition,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.78,0:06:50.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and his parents were told that he would never walk, he would never talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.18,0:06:52.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he would have no intellectual capacity,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.16,0:06:54.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he would probably not even recognize them.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.86,0:06:58.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was suggested to them that they leave him at the hospital
Dialogue: 0,0:06:58.28,0:07:00.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that he could die there quietly.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:00.49,0:07:02.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And his mother said she wasn't going to do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.46,0:07:04.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she took her son home.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.22,0:07:07.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And even though she didn't have a lot of educational or financial advantages,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.86,0:07:09.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she found the best doctor in the country
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.80,0:07:12.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for dealing with diastrophic dwarfism,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.00,0:07:14.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she got Clinton enrolled with him.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.17,0:07:16.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And in the course of his childhood,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.25,0:07:19.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he had 30 major surgical procedures.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.32,0:07:21.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he spent all this time stuck in the hospital
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.51,0:07:23.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while he was having those procedures,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.20,0:07:25.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as a result of which he now can walk.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.61,0:07:29.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And while he was there, they sent tutors around to help him with his school work.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.96,0:07:32.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he worked very hard because there was nothing else to do.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.79,0:07:34.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he ended up achieving at a level
Dialogue: 0,0:07:34.54,0:07:38.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that had never before been contemplated by any member of his family.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.11,0:07:41.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was the first one in his family, in fact, to go to college,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.44,0:07:44.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where he lived on campus and drove a specially-fitted car
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.82,0:07:47.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that accommodated his unusual body.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.61,0:07:50.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And his mother told me this story of coming home one day --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.57,0:07:52.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he went to college nearby --
Dialogue: 0,0:07:52.34,0:07:55.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she said, "I saw that car, which you can always recognize,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.42,0:07:59.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the parking lot of a bar," she said. (Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.85,0:08:04.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"And I thought to myself, they're six feet tall, he's three feet tall.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.46,0:08:06.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Two beers for them is four beers for him."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.76,0:08:09.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "I knew I couldn't go in there and interrupt him,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.37,0:08:13.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I went home, and I left him eight messages on his cell phone."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.56,0:08:15.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "And then I thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.04,0:08:17.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if someone had said to me when he was born
Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.14,0:08:22.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that my future worry would be that he'd go drinking and driving with his college buddies -- "
Dialogue: 0,0:08:22.76,0:08:31.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.54,0:08:33.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said to her, "What do you think you did
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.58,0:08:38.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that helped him to emerge as this charming, accomplished, wonderful person?"
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.04,0:08:42.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "What did I do? I loved him, that's all.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.72,0:08:45.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Clinton just always had that light in him.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.86,0:08:52.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And his father and I were lucky enough to be the first to see it there."
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.27,0:08:55.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm going to quote from another magazine of the '60s.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.31,0:09:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This one is from 1968 -- The Atlantic Monthly, voice of liberal America --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.00,0:09:03.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,written by an important bioethicist.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.81,0:09:07.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He said, "There is no reason to feel guilty
Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.62,0:09:10.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about putting a Down syndrome child away,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:10.92,0:09:15.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether it is put away in the sense of hidden in a sanitarium
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.98,0:09:19.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or in a more responsible, lethal sense.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.89,0:09:24.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is sad, yes -- dreadful. But it carries no guilt.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:24.84,0:09:28.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,True guilt arises only from an offense against a person,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:28.94,0:09:33.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a Down's is not a person."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:33.54,0:09:37.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's been a lot of ink given to the enormous progress that we've made
Dialogue: 0,0:09:37.48,0:09:39.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the treatment of gay people.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.61,0:09:43.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The fact that our attitude has changed is in the headlines every day.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.64,0:09:48.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we forget how we used to see people who had other differences,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.34,0:09:50.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how we used to see people who were disabled,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:50.48,0:09:53.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how inhuman we held people to be.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.39,0:09:55.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the change that's been accomplished there,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.27,0:09:57.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is almost equally radical,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.09,0:09:59.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is one that we pay not very much attention to.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.97,0:10:03.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of the families I interviewed, Tom and Karen Robards,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.92,0:10:07.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were taken aback when, as young and successful New Yorkers,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.65,0:10:11.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,their first child was diagnosed with Down syndrome.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.10,0:10:15.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They thought the educational opportunities for him were not what they should be,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.19,0:10:19.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so they decided they would build a little center --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.04,0:10:22.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,two classrooms that they started with a few other parents --
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.71,0:10:25.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to educate kids with D.S.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.17,0:10:29.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And over the years, that center grew into something called the Cooke Center,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.07,0:10:31.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where there are now thousands upon thousands
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.23,0:10:35.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of children with intellectual disabilities who are being taught.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.00,0:10:38.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the time since that Atlantic Monthly story ran,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.14,0:10:42.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the life expectancy for people with Down syndrome has tripled.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.32,0:10:47.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The experience of Down syndrome people includes those who are actors,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.07,0:10:53.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,those who are writers, some who are able to live fully independently in adulthood.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.13,0:10:55.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The Robards had a lot to do with that.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.00,0:10:56.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "Do you regret it?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:56.54,0:10:59.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you wish your child didn't have Down syndrome?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.14,0:11:00.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you wish you'd never heard of it?"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:00.99,0:11:03.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And interestingly his father said,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.36,0:11:05.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well, for David, our son, I regret it,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.94,0:11:09.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because for David, it's a difficult way to be in the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.32,0:11:12.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'd like to give David an easier life.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.07,0:11:17.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I think if we lost everyone with Down syndrome, it would be a catastrophic loss."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.17,0:11:20.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Karen Robards said to me, "I'm with Tom.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:20.60,0:11:24.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For David, I would cure it in an instant to give him an easier life.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:24.54,0:11:29.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But speaking for myself -- well, I would never have believed 23 years ago when he was born
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.98,0:11:31.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I could come to such a point --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.99,0:11:36.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,speaking for myself, it's made me so much better and so much kinder
Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.34,0:11:39.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so much more purposeful in my whole life,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.37,0:11:45.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that speaking for myself, I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.78,0:11:50.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We live at a point when social acceptance for these and many other conditions
Dialogue: 0,0:11:50.16,0:11:51.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is on the up and up.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.90,0:11:53.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet we also live at the moment
Dialogue: 0,0:11:53.74,0:11:56.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when our ability to eliminate those conditions
Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.63,0:11:59.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has reached a height we never imagined before.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.24,0:12:02.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most deaf infants born in the United States now
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.40,0:12:04.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will receive Cochlear implants,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.19,0:12:09.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which are put into the brain and connected to a receiver,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.00,0:12:14.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and which allow them to acquire a facsimile of hearing and to use oral speech.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.02,0:12:18.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A compound that has been tested in mice, BMN-111,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.32,0:12:23.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is useful in preventing the action of the achondroplasia gene.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.37,0:12:26.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Achondroplasia is the most common form of dwarfism,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.12,0:12:30.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and mice who have been given that substance and who have the achondroplasia gene,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:30.09,0:12:32.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,grow to full size.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.00,0:12:34.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Testing in humans is around the corner.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:34.56,0:12:36.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are blood tests which are making progress
Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.81,0:12:42.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that would pick up Down syndrome more clearly and earlier in pregnancies than ever before,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.31,0:12:47.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,making it easier and easier for people to eliminate those pregnancies,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.55,0:12:48.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or to terminate them.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.87,0:12:53.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so we have both social progress and medical progress.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.54,0:12:55.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I believe in both of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.39,0:12:59.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believe the social progress is fantastic and meaningful and wonderful,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.44,0:13:02.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I think the same thing about the medical progress.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.54,0:13:06.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I think it's a tragedy when one of them doesn't see the other.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.90,0:13:08.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I see the way they're intersecting
Dialogue: 0,0:13:08.97,0:13:11.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in conditions like the three I've just described,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.19,0:13:14.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I sometimes think it's like those moments in grand opera
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.84,0:13:17.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when the hero realizes he loves the heroine
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.44,0:13:21.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at the exact moment that she lies expiring on a divan.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.89,0:13:24.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.69,0:13:28.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have to think about how we feel about cures altogether.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.57,0:13:31.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And a lot of the time the question of parenthood is,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:31.44,0:13:33.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what do we validate in our children,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.29,0:13:35.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what do we cure in them?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:35.04,0:13:39.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Jim Sinclair, a prominent autism activist, said,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.21,0:13:43.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"When parents say 'I wish my child did not have autism,'
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.86,0:13:48.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what they're really saying is 'I wish the child I have did not exist
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.72,0:13:52.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I had a different, non-autistic child instead.'
Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.74,0:13:57.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Read that again. This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:57.54,0:14:00.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is what we hear when you pray for a cure --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.74,0:14:02.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that your fondest wish for us
Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.64,0:14:05.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that someday we will cease to be
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.02,0:14:10.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces."
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.58,0:14:13.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a very extreme point of view,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.64,0:14:17.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it points to the reality that people engage with the life they have
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.77,0:14:22.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they don't want to be cured or changed or eliminated.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.34,0:14:25.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They want to be whoever it is that they've come to be.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:25.56,0:14:29.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of the families I interviewed for this project
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.36,0:14:34.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was the family of Dylan Klebold who was one of the perpetrators of the Columbine massacre.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:34.61,0:14:37.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It took a long time to persuade them to talk to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.40,0:14:40.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and once they agreed, they were so full of their story
Dialogue: 0,0:14:40.17,0:14:41.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they couldn't stop telling it.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.87,0:14:44.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the first weekend I spent with them -- the first of many --
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.48,0:14:47.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I recorded more than 20 hours of conversation.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:47.61,0:14:49.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And on Sunday night, we were all exhausted.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:49.87,0:14:52.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We were sitting in the kitchen. Sue Klebold was fixing dinner.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:52.76,0:14:55.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "If Dylan were here now,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.28,0:14:58.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do you have a sense of what you'd want to ask him?"
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.12,0:15:00.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And his father said, "I sure do.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.49,0:15:04.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd want to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.04,0:15:07.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Sue looked at the floor, and she thought for a minute.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:07.68,0:15:09.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then she looked back up and said,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:09.86,0:15:13.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I would ask him to forgive me for being his mother
Dialogue: 0,0:15:13.92,0:15:18.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and never knowing what was going on inside his head."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.34,0:15:21.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I had dinner with her a couple of years later --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:21.31,0:15:23.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one of many dinners that we had together --
Dialogue: 0,0:15:23.24,0:15:26.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she said, "You know, when it first happened,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:26.65,0:15:30.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I used to wish that I had never married, that I had never had children.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:30.46,0:15:33.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I hadn't gone to Ohio State and crossed paths with Tom,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.95,0:15:37.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this child wouldn't have existed and this terrible thing wouldn't have happened.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:37.59,0:15:42.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I've come to feel that I love the children I had so much
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.10,0:15:45.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I don't want to imagine a life without them.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:45.41,0:15:50.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I recognize the pain they caused to others, for which there can be no forgiveness,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:50.34,0:15:53.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the pain they caused to me, there is," she said.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.80,0:15:57.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So while I recognize that it would have been better for the world
Dialogue: 0,0:15:57.59,0:16:00.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if Dylan had never been born,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:00.10,0:16:05.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've decided that it would not have been better for me."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.58,0:16:12.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought it was surprising how all of these families had all of these children with all of these problems,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:12.07,0:16:15.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,problems that they mostly would have done anything to avoid,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.10,0:16:18.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that they had all found so much meaning in that experience of parenting.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:18.92,0:16:22.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I thought, all of us who have children
Dialogue: 0,0:16:22.12,0:16:24.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,love the children we have, with their flaws.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:24.81,0:16:29.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If some glorious angel suddenly descended through my living room ceiling
Dialogue: 0,0:16:29.07,0:16:31.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and offered to take away the children I have
Dialogue: 0,0:16:31.28,0:16:37.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and give me other, better children -- more polite, funnier, nicer, smarter --
Dialogue: 0,0:16:37.87,0:16:42.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would cling to the children I have and pray away that atrocious spectacle.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.98,0:16:44.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And ultimately I feel
Dialogue: 0,0:16:44.97,0:16:48.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that in the same way that we test flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno
Dialogue: 0,0:16:48.55,0:16:53.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to ensure they won't catch fire when our child reaches across the stove,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.02,0:16:57.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so these stories of families negotiating these extreme differences
Dialogue: 0,0:16:57.09,0:16:59.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,reflect on the universal experience of parenting,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:59.77,0:17:03.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is always that sometimes you look at your child and you think,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:03.90,0:17:06.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where did you come from?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.09,0:17:08.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:17:08.55,0:17:13.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It turns out that while each of these individual differences is siloed --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.52,0:17:16.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are only so many families dealing with schizophrenia,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.07,0:17:18.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are only so many families of children who are transgender,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:18.70,0:17:20.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are only so many families of prodigies --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:20.90,0:17:23.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who also face similar challenges in many ways --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:23.18,0:17:25.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are only so many families in each of those categories --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:25.87,0:17:27.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but if you start to think
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.30,0:17:30.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that the experience of negotiating difference within your family
Dialogue: 0,0:17:30.87,0:17:32.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is what people are addressing,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:32.90,0:17:36.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then you discover that it's a nearly universal phenomenon.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:36.64,0:17:41.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ironically, it turns out, that it's our differences, and our negotiation of difference,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:41.27,0:17:43.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that unite us.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:43.70,0:17:49.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I decided to have children while I was working on this project.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:49.01,0:17:52.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And many people were astonished and said,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:52.13,0:17:53.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But how can you decide to have children
Dialogue: 0,0:17:53.98,0:17:58.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the midst of studying everything that can go wrong?"
Dialogue: 0,0:17:58.08,0:18:01.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "I'm not studying everything that can go wrong.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:01.31,0:18:04.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I'm studying is how much love there can be,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:04.40,0:18:09.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even when everything appears to be going wrong."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:09.13,0:18:14.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought a lot about the mother of one disabled child I had seen,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:14.76,0:18:18.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a severely disabled child who died through caregiver neglect.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:18.54,0:18:21.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when his ashes were interred, his mother said,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:21.35,0:18:29.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I pray here for forgiveness for having been twice robbed,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:29.38,0:18:35.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,once of the child I wanted and once of the son I loved."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:35.44,0:18:40.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I figured it was possible then for anyone to love any child
Dialogue: 0,0:18:40.07,0:18:42.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if they had the effective will to do so.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:42.60,0:18:47.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my husband is the biological father of two children
Dialogue: 0,0:18:47.63,0:18:50.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with some lesbian friends in Minneapolis.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:50.39,0:18:56.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a close friend from college who'd gone through a divorce and wanted to have children.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:56.21,0:18:58.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so she and I have a daughter,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:58.11,0:19:00.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and mother and daughter live in Texas.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:00.32,0:19:03.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And my husband and I have a son who lives with us all the time
Dialogue: 0,0:19:03.56,0:19:05.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of whom I am the biological father,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:05.95,0:19:09.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our surrogate for the pregnancy was Laura,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:09.88,0:19:12.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the lesbian mother of Oliver and Lucy in Minneapolis.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:12.93,0:19:21.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:19:21.58,0:19:27.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the shorthand is five parents of four children in three states.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:27.05,0:19:30.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there are people who think that the existence of my family
Dialogue: 0,0:19:30.40,0:19:35.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somehow undermines or weakens or damages their family.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:35.07,0:19:38.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there are people who think that families like mine
Dialogue: 0,0:19:38.70,0:19:40.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,shouldn't be allowed to exist.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:40.38,0:19:46.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't accept subtractive models of love, only additive ones.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:46.04,0:19:49.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I believe that in the same way that we need species diversity
Dialogue: 0,0:19:49.56,0:19:51.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to ensure that the planet can go on,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:51.81,0:19:56.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so we need this diversity of affection and diversity of family
Dialogue: 0,0:19:56.01,0:20:00.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to strengthen the ecosphere of kindness.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:00.70,0:20:03.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The day after our son was born,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:03.06,0:20:07.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the pediatrician came into the hospital room and said she was concerned.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:07.64,0:20:10.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He wasn't extending his legs appropriately.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:10.77,0:20:13.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said that might mean that he had brain damage.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:13.68,0:20:17.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In so far as he was extending them, he was doing so asymmetrically,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:17.04,0:20:20.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which she thought could mean that there was a tumor of some kind in action.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:20.90,0:20:25.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he had a very large head, which she thought might indicate hydrocephalus.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:25.69,0:20:27.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And as she told me all of these things,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:27.32,0:20:31.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt the very center of my being pouring out onto the floor.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:31.31,0:20:33.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought, here I had been working for years
Dialogue: 0,0:20:33.65,0:20:36.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on a book about how much meaning people had found
Dialogue: 0,0:20:36.20,0:20:39.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the experience of parenting children who are disabled,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:39.74,0:20:43.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't want to join their number.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:43.64,0:20:46.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because what I was encountering was an idea of illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:46.33,0:20:48.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And like all parents since the dawn of time,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:48.58,0:20:51.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wanted to protect my child from illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:51.93,0:20:55.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I wanted also to protect myself from illness.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:55.14,0:20:57.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, I knew from the work I had done
Dialogue: 0,0:20:57.70,0:21:01.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that if he had any of the things we were about to start testing for,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:01.80,0:21:04.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that those would ultimately be his identity,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:04.88,0:21:09.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if they were his identity they would become my identity,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:09.11,0:21:13.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that that illness was going to take a very different shape as it unfolded.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:13.27,0:21:16.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We took him to the MRI machine, we took him to the CAT scanner,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:16.30,0:21:20.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we took this day-old child and gave him over for an arterial blood draw.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:20.30,0:21:21.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We felt helpless.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:21.49,0:21:22.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And at the end of five hours,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:22.97,0:21:25.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they said that his brain was completely clear
Dialogue: 0,0:21:25.19,0:21:28.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that he was by then extending his legs correctly.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:28.20,0:21:31.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I asked the pediatrician what had been going on,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:31.14,0:21:35.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she said she thought in the morning he had probably had a cramp.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:35.47,0:21:39.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:21:39.04,0:21:46.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I thought how my mother was right.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:46.87,0:21:50.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought, the love you have for your children
Dialogue: 0,0:21:50.36,0:21:53.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is unlike any other feeling in the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:53.69,0:21:59.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and until you have children, you don't know what it feels like.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:59.86,0:22:02.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think children had ensnared me
Dialogue: 0,0:22:02.18,0:22:05.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the moment I connected fatherhood with loss.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:05.70,0:22:07.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm not sure I would have noticed that
Dialogue: 0,0:22:07.64,0:22:13.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I hadn't been so in the thick of this research project of mine.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:13.16,0:22:16.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd encountered so much strange love,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:16.39,0:22:20.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I fell very naturally into its bewitching patterns.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:20.18,0:22:26.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I saw how splendor can illuminate even the most abject vulnerabilities.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:26.91,0:22:30.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,During these 10 years, I had witnessed and learned
Dialogue: 0,0:22:30.71,0:22:34.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the terrifying joy of unbearable responsibility,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:34.20,0:22:37.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I had come to see how it conquers everything else.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:37.74,0:22:42.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And while I had sometimes thought the parents I was interviewing were fools,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:42.04,0:22:46.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,enslaving themselves to a lifetime's journey with their thankless children
Dialogue: 0,0:22:46.99,0:22:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and trying to breed identity out of misery,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:49.94,0:22:54.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realized that day that my research had built me a plank
Dialogue: 0,0:22:54.57,0:22:57.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that I was ready to join them on their ship.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:57.99,0:22:59.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:59.80,0:23:05.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)