WEBVTT

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Hello!

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Oh, good. No one's started drinking yet.

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Everyone's feeling kind of perky 
and excited.

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Good, for I hope you'll remember 
what we talk about,

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at least up to this point.

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After that, you're on your own.

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When I was about sixteen years old,

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I can remember 
flipping through channels at home,

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during summer vacation,

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looking for a movie to watch on HBO.

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And how many of you remember 
Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

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Oh, yeah. Great movie, right?

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Well, I saw Matthew Broderick 
on the screen,

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and so I thought, "Sweet!

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Ferris Bueller. I'll watch this!"

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It wasn't Ferris Bueller. 
And forgive me, Matthew Broderick.

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I know you've done other movies 
besides Ferris Bueller,

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but that's how I remember you. 
You're Ferris.

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But you weren't doing 
"Ferrisy" things at the time.

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You were doing gay things at the time.

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He was in a movie 
called Torch Song Trilogy.

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And Torch Song Trilogy 
was based on a play

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about this drag queen,

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who, essentially, was looking for love.

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Love and respect.

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That's what the whole film was about.

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And, as I'm watching it, I'm realizing

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that they're talking about me.

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Not the drag queen part.

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I'm not shaving my hair for anyone.

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But the gay part, 
the friendly love and respect,

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the part about trying to find 
your place in the world.

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So, as I'm watching this,

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I see this powerful scene 
that brought me to tears,

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and it's stuck with me 
for the past 25 years.

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And it's this quote 
that the main character, Arnold,

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tells his mother,

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as they're fighting about who he is

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and the life that he lives:

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"There's one more thing 
you'd better understand.

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I have taught myself to sew,

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cook, fix plumbing, build furniture.

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I can even pat myself on the back, 
when necessary.

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Also, I don't have 
to ask anyone for anything.

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There's nothing I need from anyone,

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except for love and respect,

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and anyone who can't give me 
those two things

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has no place in my life."

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I remember that scene 
like it was yesterday.

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I was sixteen, I was in tears,

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I was in the closet

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and I'm looking at these two people,

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Ferris Bueller and some guy 
I'd never seen before,

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(Laughter)

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fighting for love.

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When I finally got to a place in my life

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where I came out and accepted who I was

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-- and was really quite happy, 
to tell you the truth,

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I was happily gay 
and I guess that's supposed to be right,

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because "gay" means "happy" too --,

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I realized that a lot of people 
weren't as gay as I was,

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"gay" being "happy", not "gay" being

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attracted to the same sex.

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(Laughter)

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In fact, I heard 
that there was a lot of hate

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and a lot of anger 
and a lot of frustration

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and a lot of fear about who I was

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and the gay lifestyle.

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Now, I'm sitting here 
trying to figure out,

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"the gay lifestyle", "the gay lifestyle".

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And I keep hearing this word 
over and over and over again,

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"lifestyle", "lifestyle", lifestyle".

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I've even heard a politicians say

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that the gay lifestyle is a greater threat

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to civilization than terrorism.

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That's when I got scared!

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(Laughter)

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Because I'm thinking,

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"If I'm gay,

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and I'm doing something 
that's going to destroy civilization,

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I need to figure out what this stuff is

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and I need to stop doing it right now!"

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(Laughter)

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So, I took a look at my life,

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a hard look at my life,

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and I saw some things very disturbing.

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[The Super-Duper Evil Gay Lifestyle] 
(Laughter)

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And I want to begin sharing 
these evil things

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that I've been doing with you,

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starting with my mornings.

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(Laughter)

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I drink coffee.

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Not only do I drink coffee,

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I know other gay people who drink coffee.

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(Laughter)

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I get stuck in traffic.

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Evil, evil traffic!

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Sometimes I get stuck 
in lines at airports!

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I look around and I go, "My God!

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Look at all these gay people!

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We're all trapped in these lines,

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these long lines, 
trying to get into the airplane!

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My God! This lifestyle that I'm living

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is so freaking evil!"

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(Laughter)

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I clean up.

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This is not an actual photograph 
of my son's room.

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His is messier.

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(Laughter)

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And, because I have a fifteen-year-old,

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all I do is cook, and cook, and cook.

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Any parents out there of teenagers?

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All we do is cook for these people!

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They eat two, three, four dinners a night!

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It's ridiculous! (Laughter)

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This is the gay lifestyle.

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And after I'm done cooking,

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and cleaning, and standing in line,

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and getting stuck in traffic,

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my partner and I, we get together

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and we decide that we're going to go

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and have some wild and crazy fun.

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(Laughter)

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We're used to be in bed before we find out
who's eliminated on American Idol.

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(Laughter)

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We have to wake up 
and find out the next day

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who's still on, 
because we're too freaking tired

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to hear who stays on.

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This is the super-duper, 
evil gay lifestyle. (Laughter)

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Run for your heterosexual lives, people!

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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When my partner Steve and I 
first started dating,

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he told me the story about penguins.

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And I didn't know 
where he was going with it at first.

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He was kind of a little bit nervous 
when he was sharing it with me.

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But he told me that, 
when a penguin finds a mate

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that they want to spend 
the rest of their life with,

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they present them with a pebble.

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The perfect pebble.

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And then he reaches into his pocket

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and he brings this out to me.

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And I looked at it and I was like,

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"This is really cool."

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And he says, "I want to spend 
the rest of my life with you."

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So, I wear this 
whenever I have to do something

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that makes me a little nervous,

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like, I don't know, a TEDx talk. (Laughter)

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I wear this when I am apart from him

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for a long period of time,

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and sometimes 
I just wear it just because.

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How many people out there are in love?

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Anyone in love out there?

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You might be gay.

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(Laughter)

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Because I too am in love

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and, apparently, 
that's part of the gay lifestyle

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I warned you about. (Laughter)

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(Applause)

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You may want to tell your spouse,

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who, if they're in love, 
might be gay as well.

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How many of you are single?

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Any single people out there?

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You too might be gay,

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because I know some gay people 
who are also single.

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It's really scary, this gay lifestyle thing.

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It's super-duper evil

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and there's no end to it.

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It goes and goes and engulfs [us].

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It's really quite silly, isn't it?

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That's why I'm so happy

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to finally hear President Obama 
come out and say...

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(Applause) (Cheering)

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that he supports marriage equality.

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It's a wonderful day 
in our country's history,

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it's a wonderful day 
in the globe's history

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to be able to have 
an actual sitting president

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say "Enough of this",

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first to himself and then 
to the rest of the world.

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It's wonderful.

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But there's something 
that's been disturbing me

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since he made that remark 
just a short time ago.

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And that is, apparently, 
this is just another move

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by the gay activists that's 
on the "Gay Agenda".

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And I'm disturbed by this

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because I have been openly gay now 
for quite some time.

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I've been to all of the functions.

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I've been to fundraisers,

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I've written about the topic

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and I have yet to receive 
my copy of this "Gay Agenda".

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(Laughter)

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I've paid my dues on time...

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(Laughter)

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I've marched in gay pride flags,

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parades and the whole nine,

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and I have yet to see 
a copy of the "Gay Agenda".

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I was very, very frustrated.

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I was feeling left out 
like I wasn't quite gay enough.

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But then, something wonderful happened.

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I was out shopping, as I tend to do,

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and I came across a booklet copy

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of the official Gay Agenda.

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And I said to myself, "LZ, for so long,

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you have been denied this.

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When you get in front of this crowd,

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you're going to share the news,

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you're going to spread the Gay Agenda,

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so no one else has to wonder,

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'What exactly is in the Gay Agenda?'

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'What are these gays up to?' (Laughter)

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'What do they want?'"

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So, without further ado,

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I will present to you, ladies and gentlemen,

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-- and be careful, because it's evil --

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a copy, the official copy 
of the Gay Agenda.

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[Gay Agenda] 
(Music)

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The Gay Agenda, people!

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(Applause) (Cheering)

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There it is. Did you soak it all in?

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The Gay Agenda!

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Some of you may be calling it

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"The Constitution of the United States"?

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Is that what you call it too?

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The US Constitution is the Gay Agenda.

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These gays, people like me,

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want to be treated like full citizens.

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And it's all written down! In plain sight!

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I was blown away when I saw it!

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I was like, "Wait! Is this the Gay Agenda?

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Why didn't you just call it 
"The Constitution",

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so I knew what you were talking about?

00:11:24.842 --> 00:11:29.008
I wouldn't have been so confused! 
I wouldn't have been so upset!"

00:11:29.008 --> 00:11:33.622
But... there it is! The Gay Agenda.

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Run for your heterosexual lives.

00:11:35.892 --> 00:11:37.372
(Laughter)

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Did you know that in all the states

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where there is no shading,

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people who are gay, lesbian, 
bisexual or transgendered

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can be kicked out 
of their apartments for being

00:11:51.554 --> 00:11:55.171
gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered?

00:11:56.301 --> 00:11:59.020
That's the only reason 
that a landlord needs

00:11:59.020 --> 00:12:00.364
to have them removed,

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because there's no protection

00:12:02.238 --> 00:12:06.271
from discrimination of GLBT people.

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Did you know, in the states 
where there is no shading,

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that you can be fired

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for being gay, lesbian, 
bisexual or transgendered,

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not based upon the quality of your work,

00:12:21.747 --> 00:12:23.576
how long you've been there,

00:12:23.576 --> 00:12:25.743
if you stink?

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Just if you're gay, lesbian, 
bisexual or transgendered.

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All of which flies in the face 
of the Gay Agenda,

00:12:37.686 --> 00:12:41.244
also known as the US Constitution,

00:12:41.244 --> 00:12:45.317
specifically this 
little Amendment right here:

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"No state shall make or enforce any law

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which shall abridge 
the privileges or immunities

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of citizens of the United States."

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I'm looking at you, North Carolina,

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but you are not looking 
at the US Constitution.

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This is the Gay Agenda, equality.

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Not special rights,

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but the rights that have been 
already written

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by these people,

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these elitists, if you will.

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Educated, well dressed...

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(Laughter)

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Some would dare say 
"Questionably dressed"...

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(Laughter)

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Nonetheless, our forefathers, right?

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The people that, we say, 
knew what they were doing

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when they wrote the Constitution,

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the Gay Agenda, if you will.

00:13:37.152 --> 00:13:41.682
All of that flies on the face 
of what they did.

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That is the reason why

00:13:46.266 --> 00:13:48.131
I felt it was imperative

00:13:48.131 --> 00:13:50.425
that I presented you

00:13:50.425 --> 00:13:53.674
with this copy of the Gay Agenda,

00:13:53.674 --> 00:13:56.552
because I figured if I made it funny,

00:13:56.552 --> 00:13:58.639
you wouldn't be as threatened.

00:13:58.639 --> 00:14:00.804
I figured if I was a bit irreverent,

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you wouldn't find it serious.

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But when you see the map

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and you see our state of Michigan,

00:14:09.728 --> 00:14:14.225
it's legal to fire someone

00:14:14.225 --> 00:14:18.054
for being gay, lesbian, 
bisexual or transgendered.

00:14:18.054 --> 00:14:22.831
It's legal to remove someone 
from their home

00:14:22.831 --> 00:14:27.331
because they're gay, lesbian, 
bisexual or transgendered.

00:14:27.331 --> 00:14:29.344
But you'll realize 
that this whole conversation

00:14:29.344 --> 00:14:31.168
about marriage equality

00:14:31.168 --> 00:14:34.603
is not about stripping 
someone's rights away.

00:14:34.603 --> 00:14:36.234
It's about granting them the rights

00:14:36.234 --> 00:14:39.244
that have already been stated.

00:14:39.244 --> 00:14:41.694
And we're just trying 
to walk in those rights

00:14:41.694 --> 00:14:44.139
that have already been stated,

00:14:44.139 --> 00:14:47.724
that we have already agreed upon.

00:14:47.724 --> 00:14:52.246
There are people living in fear

00:14:53.256 --> 00:14:56.050
of losing their jobs!

00:14:56.980 --> 00:15:00.856
So, they don't show anyone 
who they really are!

00:15:02.026 --> 00:15:04.111
Right here, at home.

00:15:04.111 --> 00:15:05.937
This isn't just about North Carolina.

00:15:05.937 --> 00:15:09.779
In all those states that were clear

00:15:09.779 --> 00:15:11.565
it's legal.

00:15:12.535 --> 00:15:15.392
If I could brag for a second,

00:15:15.392 --> 00:15:18.771
I have a fifteen-year-old son,

00:15:18.771 --> 00:15:21.468
from my marriage.

00:15:21.468 --> 00:15:24.158
He has a 4.0.

00:15:24.158 --> 00:15:27.547
He is starting a new club at school,

00:15:27.547 --> 00:15:30.004
"Policy Debate".

00:15:31.524 --> 00:15:34.371
He is a budding track star.

00:15:34.371 --> 00:15:38.283
He has almost every single record 
in middle school

00:15:38.283 --> 00:15:41.322
for every event that he competed in.

00:15:41.322 --> 00:15:43.724
He volunteers.

00:15:43.724 --> 00:15:46.297
He prays before he eats.

00:15:47.957 --> 00:15:50.741
I would like to think, as his father,

00:15:50.741 --> 00:15:53.724
and he lives with me primarily,

00:15:53.724 --> 00:15:56.943
that I have a little something 
to do with all of that.

00:15:56.943 --> 00:15:59.422
I would like to think 
that he's a good boy,

00:15:59.422 --> 00:16:02.305
a respectful young man.

00:16:02.305 --> 00:16:05.152
I would like to think that I've proven

00:16:05.152 --> 00:16:07.543
to be a capable father.

00:16:08.213 --> 00:16:12.149
But if I were to go 
to the state of Michigan today

00:16:12.149 --> 00:16:14.708
and try to adopt a young person

00:16:14.708 --> 00:16:16.097
who is in an orphanage,

00:16:16.097 --> 00:16:19.833
I would be disqualified 
for only one reason:

00:16:20.623 --> 00:16:22.612
because I'm gay.

00:16:23.342 --> 00:16:25.491
It doesn't matter 
what I've already proven,

00:16:25.491 --> 00:16:28.064
what I can do with my heart.

00:16:28.474 --> 00:16:31.559
It's because of what the state 
of Michigan says that I am

00:16:31.559 --> 00:16:36.521
that I am disqualified 
for any sort of adoption.

00:16:39.021 --> 00:16:41.832
And that's not just about me.

00:16:41.832 --> 00:16:47.021
That's about so many 
other Michiganders, US citizens,

00:16:47.021 --> 00:16:51.955
who don't understand why what they are

00:16:51.955 --> 00:16:56.589
is so much more significant 
than who they are.

00:16:58.409 --> 00:17:00.821
This story just keeps playing 


00:17:00.821 --> 00:17:05.152
over and over and over again 
in our country's history.

00:17:06.392 --> 00:17:09.691
There was a time in which, I don't know,

00:17:09.691 --> 00:17:13.101
people who were black 
couldn't have the same rights.

00:17:14.171 --> 00:17:16.032
People who happened to be women

00:17:16.032 --> 00:17:18.896
didn't have the same rights: 
they couldn't vote!

00:17:19.726 --> 00:17:21.069
There was a point in our history

00:17:21.069 --> 00:17:23.741
in which, if you were 
considered disabled,

00:17:23.741 --> 00:17:25.459
then an employer could just fire you,

00:17:25.459 --> 00:17:28.246
before the 
America's With Disabilities Act.

00:17:29.326 --> 00:17:32.000
We keep doing this over and over again!

00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:34.399
And so, here we are,

00:17:34.399 --> 00:17:36.910
2012,

00:17:36.910 --> 00:17:38.947
Gay Agenda,

00:17:38.947 --> 00:17:40.769
gay lifestyle,

00:17:40.769 --> 00:17:42.979
and I'm not a good dad,

00:17:42.979 --> 00:17:45.975
and people don't deserve 
to be able to protect their families,

00:17:45.975 --> 00:17:48.072
because of what they are,

00:17:48.072 --> 00:17:50.383
not who they are.

00:17:51.673 --> 00:17:53.595
So, when you hear the words 


00:17:53.595 --> 00:17:57.815
"gay lifestyle" and "Gay Agenda" 
in the future,

00:17:57.815 --> 00:18:00.973
I encourage you to do two things.

00:18:00.973 --> 00:18:04.931
One: remember the US Constitution.

00:18:05.771 --> 00:18:08.259
And then, two: if you wouldn't mind

00:18:08.259 --> 00:18:11.500
looking to your left, please.

00:18:12.970 --> 00:18:15.175
Look to your right.

00:18:16.655 --> 00:18:21.322
That person next to you 
is a brother, is a sister,

00:18:21.322 --> 00:18:23.490
and they should be treated 
with love and respect.

00:18:23.490 --> 00:18:25.095
Thank you.

00:18:25.095 --> 00:18:27.690
(Applause)