WEBVTT

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我最後一次聽到我仔把聲

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佢出緊前門

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去返學

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門口好黑，佢就講咗一個字

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「拜。」

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1999 年

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4 月 20 號朝早

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我個仔迪倫同佢朋友艾瑞克

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喺科倫拜高中

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殺咗 12 個學生同一個老師

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傷咗 20 幾個人之後自殺

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13 個無辜嘅人被殺

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留畀佢哋嘅親友
無限悲痛同創傷

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其他傷者

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有人毁咗容，有人終生殘廢

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但係，呢個慘案嘅危害性

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唔可以用傷亡人數來衡量

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我哋亦冇辦法去衡量佢

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對喺學校嘅目擊人同參與救援

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同清理嘅人造成嘅心裡創傷

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亦冇辦法估量其他人模仿

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呢個槍殺案

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會造成嘅影響

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科倫拜慘案係個大浪

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風波之後，社會需要好耐來

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消化、理解同認識佢嘅影響

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我用咗好多年來接受


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我個仔留低嘅問題

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暴行定義咗佢最後嘅人生

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佢已經唔係我識嗰個人

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修尾有人問我

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「你點解會唔知？

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你到底點做媽咪？」

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我都猛咁問自己

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槍擊案之前，我自認係個好媽咪

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幫助我啲仔女成為體貼

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健康、負責嘅成年人

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係我一世人最重要嘅角色

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但係呢個悲劇話我知
我做媽咪好失敗

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挫敗感使我今日企喺呢度

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除咗佢嘅爸爸

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我係最了解同最愛迪倫嘅人

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假使有人可以預料到呢件事

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嗰個人應該係我，係咪？

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但係我唔知

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今日，我想分享下我作為

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一個殺人兇手嘅媽咪嘅感受

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慘案之後好多年


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我猛咁梳理我啲記憶

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諗我到底做錯咗咩

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我揾唔到明確嘅答案

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亦冇任何解決方案

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我可以做嘅，唯有

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同你哋分享我嘅經驗同教訓

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同槍擊案之後
先識我嘅人傾偈時

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我要面對三個挑戰

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第一，我行入類似宜家間房時

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我冇辦法知道，有冇人因為我嘅仔

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受到過傷害

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我要承認我個仔

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造成咗嘅災難

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首先，我誠摯咁

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為我個仔對你哋
造成嘅傷害道歉

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第二個挑戰

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係我講我個仔
係死於自殺時

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我需要你哋嘅諒解，甚至同情

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喺佢過身前兩年

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佢曾經喺本日記度寫

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佢係度自殘

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佢話佢好痛苦

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想摞把槍了結自己

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我喺佢死後幾個月先知道

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我講我個仔係自殺時

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唔係想減輕佢嘅罪過

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我只係試圖去理解

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點解佢自殺嘅意圖

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會導致一場屠殺

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讀咗好多文章，同資訊專家之後

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我逐漸相信

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佢策劃槍擊案唔係想殺人

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而係想自殺

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講我個仔嘅自殺謀殺時
第三個挑戰

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就係講心理健康

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唔好意思

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就係講心理健康

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稱為大腦健康會更準確

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同时，我亦係度講緊暴力

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我當然唔想加重

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大家對心理疾病嘅誤解

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只有好少有心理疾病嘅人

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對其他人有暴力傾向

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但係，自殺嘅群體

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有 75%，甚至 90%

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有可以被診斷嘅心理健康狀況

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眾所周知，我哋嘅心理健康

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醫療機制照顧唔到每一個人

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同時，唔係每個有破壞性傾向嘅人

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都會診斷到嘅

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心理病

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好多覺得恐懼、憤怒、或者絕望嘅人

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從來都冇

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俾診斷或者治療過

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等到有行為危機時
我哋先注意到佢哋

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根據統計數據

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大概百分之一到二嘅自殺

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會導致另一個人嘅死亡

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一個群體嘅自殺率上升時

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佢嘅自殺加謀殺率亦會上升

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我好想了解，迪倫喺死前諗緊咩

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於是我去研究啲自殺未遂嘅人

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我做調查，又幫手籌款

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一有機會

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就同啲自殺未遂

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或者有自殺傾向嘅人倾偈

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我一個同事

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畀我好大嘅啟發

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佢之前喺辦公室

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偶然聽到我同人講

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迪倫肯定唔愛我，唔係嘅話

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佢點會做出咁恐怖嘅事

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之後，我呢個同事單獨嚟搵我

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佢話，唔好意思，無意中聽到我講嘢

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同時間話我知，我係錯嘅

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佢係個後生嘅單身媽咪時

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佢要湊住三個細蚊仔

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佢變得好抑鬱，需要住院來確保安全

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嗰個時候，佢堅信

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如果佢死咗，佢嘅细路仔會更好

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於是佢準備自殺

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佢話，母愛係世界上最堅韌嘅紐帶

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佢愛佢嘅仔女，多於世上嘅一切

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但係因為佢個病

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佢堅信佢啲仔女冇佢仲好

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我從佢同其他人身上學到

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我哋對自殺嘅抉擇

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同我哋諗買邊駕車

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或者星期六去邊度玩嘅嗰種選擇

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係好唔同

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喺一個人極度想自殺時

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佢處於最嚴重嘅醫學緊急狀態

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佢嘅思考能力受損，冇曬自律能力

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儘管佢哋計劃同執行時好有逻辑

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佢嘅是非觀已經俾痛苦扭曲

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呢種痛苦改變咗
佢哋對現實嘅理解

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有哋人好識掩飾自己

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因為迫不得已

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好多人都諗過自殺

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如果呢個念頭揮之唔去

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仲會諗點去執行

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呢就好似其他疾病

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係一種病態

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呢種病況需要、喺仲有得救時

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辨認同治療

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但係我個仔唔單止自殺

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佢仲導致咗一場屠殺

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我想知，佢嘅自殺傾向
點變成謀殺傾向

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呢方面嘅研究好少

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冇簡單同直接嘅答案

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冇錯，佢一直都有抑鬱症

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佢係個完美主義者，唔鍾意依靠人

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佢嘅性格使佢
好少向其他人求助

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佢曾經喺學校經歷過使佢覺得

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羞愧，屈辱同憤怒嘅觸發事件

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而且，佢同一個
係憤怒同孤獨嘅男仔

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有個複雜嘅關係

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呢個男仔處於極度不安嘅狀態

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有強烈嘅控制慾同嗜殺慾

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喺佢哋人生裡邊

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最脆弱嘅時候

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即使我哋屋企冇槍

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迪倫都有其他渠道摞到咗槍支

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一個十七歲嘅男仔，合法或者非法

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唔使我知道或允許
就輕易摞到槍支

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過去十七年嚟嘅校園槍擊

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買賣槍支依然係
令人膽寒嘅容易

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迪倫嗰日做嘅嘢令我心碎

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創傷就係有咁嘅後果

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時刻折磨住我嘅身心

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槍擊事件後兩年，我得咗乳腺癌

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再過咗两年，我得咗心理病

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同永久嘅悲哀

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我好驚我會撞見

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被害人嘅家屬

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或者媒體

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或者一個憤怒嘅市民

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我怕開電視睇新聞

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驚人哋鬧我衰，鬧我核突

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我開始有恐慌發作

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第一發作喺槍擊案後四年

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我準備去法庭作證

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要面對被害人家屬嗰

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第二次發作，喺槍擊案後六年

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我生來第一次

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公開參加討論自殺加謀殺

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兩次發作，每次延續幾個星期

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恐慌發作隨時會發生

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喺五金店，喺寫字樓

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甚至喺床上睇書嗰時

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我會突然充滿恐懼

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無論我點試住

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冷靜落來

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我做唔到

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感覺好似，我嘅大腦整死我

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之後，我一直

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好驚自己咁驚

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呢個就係我嘅

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大腦失常嘅親身經歷

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所以，我係大腦健康嘅擁護者

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用藥物治療同自我護理

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我嘅生活慢慢返到正軌

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變到相對嘅正常

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我諗下過去， 逐漸明白

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我個仔臨死前兩年可能

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因為機能失調過得好辛苦

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嗰時，哪怕有一個人知道佢需要幫助

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又知道點做

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兩年時間咁長，肯定有機會幫到佢

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每一次有人問我

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「你點會唔知？」

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好似重重一拳打落我個心度

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指責我，引發我嘅負罪感

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無論我接受幾多治療

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永遠都唔會完全好返

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從中我學到

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如果愛就夠曬

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去打消一個人自殺

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同傷人嘅念頭

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咁自殺就幾乎唔會發生

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但係如果有愛仲唔夠

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咁自殺會普遍咁發生

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自殺喺 10 至 34 歲嘅群體

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係第二大致死原因

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舊年 2016 年

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百分之十五嘅美國青少年

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話自己計劃過自殺

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我認識到，無論我哋幾想做到

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我哋永遠都唔知道，亦控制唔到

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我哋愛嘅人嘅所有諗法同感覺

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我哋堅信，我哋同其他人唔同

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所以我愛嘅人唔會去自殘

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或者傷害其他人

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呢個觀念會導致我哋忽視

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平靜嘅表面下邊嘅嘢

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假使最壞嘅事發生咗

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我哋要學識
原諒自己唔知嘅嘢

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原諒自己冇發現嘅問題

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原諒自己冇搵到對策

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我哋應該假設

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我哋所愛嘅人可能受緊折磨

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即使佢嘅言行

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好正常

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我哋應該用成個身心咁

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唔帶任何偏見咁

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未必畀到解決方法咁去傾聽

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我好清楚，我成世都

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會帶著呢個悲劇

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呢幾個悲劇，一直行落去

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我知道，好多人諗

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我嘅損失嘅
遠唔及受害者家屬

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我嘅掙扎
唔會減輕佢哋嘅痛苦

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有人認為，我冇痛苦嘅權利

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只有用成世去贖罪

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我嘅總結係

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我哋就算再負責再警覺

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最尾都可能
防止唔到悲劇嘅發生

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但係為咗愛

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我哋絕唔可以放棄嘗試

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去了解現實背後嘅未知

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多謝

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（掌聲）