1
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我最後一次聽到我仔把聲

2
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佢出緊前門

3
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去返學

4
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門口好黑，佢就講咗一個字

5
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「拜。」

6
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:13,980
1999 年

7
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4 月 20 號朝早

8
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我個仔迪倫同佢朋友艾瑞克

9
00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,872
喺科倫拜高中

10
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,240
殺咗 12 個學生同一個老師

11
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傷咗 20 幾個人之後自殺

12
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13 個無辜嘅人被殺

13
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留畀佢哋嘅親友
無限悲痛同創傷

14
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其他傷者

15
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有人毁咗容，有人終生殘廢

16
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但係，呢個慘案嘅危害性

17
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唔可以用傷亡人數來衡量

18
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我哋亦冇辦法去衡量佢

19
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對喺學校嘅目擊人同參與救援

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同清理嘅人造成嘅心裡創傷

21
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亦冇辦法估量其他人模仿

22
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呢個槍殺案

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會造成嘅影響

24
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,440
科倫拜慘案係個大浪

25
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風波之後，社會需要好耐來

26
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消化、理解同認識佢嘅影響

27
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我用咗好多年來接受


28
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我個仔留低嘅問題

29
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暴行定義咗佢最後嘅人生

30
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佢已經唔係我識嗰個人

31
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修尾有人問我

32
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「你點解會唔知？

33
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你到底點做媽咪？」

34
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我都猛咁問自己

35
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槍擊案之前，我自認係個好媽咪

36
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幫助我啲仔女成為體貼

37
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健康、負責嘅成年人

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係我一世人最重要嘅角色

39
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但係呢個悲劇話我知
我做媽咪好失敗

40
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,560
挫敗感使我今日企喺呢度

41
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:12,496
除咗佢嘅爸爸

42
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我係最了解同最愛迪倫嘅人

43
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假使有人可以預料到呢件事

44
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嗰個人應該係我，係咪？

45
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但係我唔知

46
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今日，我想分享下我作為

47
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:31,080
一個殺人兇手嘅媽咪嘅感受

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慘案之後好多年


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我猛咁梳理我啲記憶

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諗我到底做錯咗咩

51
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我揾唔到明確嘅答案

52
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亦冇任何解決方案

53
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我可以做嘅，唯有

54
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同你哋分享我嘅經驗同教訓

55
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同槍擊案之後
先識我嘅人傾偈時

56
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我要面對三個挑戰

57
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第一，我行入類似宜家間房時

58
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我冇辦法知道，有冇人因為我嘅仔

59
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受到過傷害

60
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我要承認我個仔

61
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造成咗嘅災難

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首先，我誠摯咁

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為我個仔對你哋
造成嘅傷害道歉

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第二個挑戰

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係我講我個仔
係死於自殺時

66
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我需要你哋嘅諒解，甚至同情

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喺佢過身前兩年

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佢曾經喺本日記度寫

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佢係度自殘

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佢話佢好痛苦

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想摞把槍了結自己

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我喺佢死後幾個月先知道

73
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我講我個仔係自殺時

74
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唔係想減輕佢嘅罪過

75
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我只係試圖去理解

76
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點解佢自殺嘅意圖

77
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會導致一場屠殺

78
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讀咗好多文章，同資訊專家之後

79
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我逐漸相信

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佢策劃槍擊案唔係想殺人

81
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而係想自殺

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講我個仔嘅自殺謀殺時
第三個挑戰

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就係講心理健康

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唔好意思

85
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就係講心理健康

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稱為大腦健康會更準確

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同时，我亦係度講緊暴力

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我當然唔想加重

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大家對心理疾病嘅誤解

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只有好少有心理疾病嘅人

91
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對其他人有暴力傾向

92
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但係，自殺嘅群體

93
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有 75%，甚至 90%

94
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有可以被診斷嘅心理健康狀況

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眾所周知，我哋嘅心理健康

96
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,920
醫療機制照顧唔到每一個人

97
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同時，唔係每個有破壞性傾向嘅人

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都會診斷到嘅

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心理病

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好多覺得恐懼、憤怒、或者絕望嘅人

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從來都冇

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俾診斷或者治療過

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等到有行為危機時
我哋先注意到佢哋

104
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根據統計數據

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大概百分之一到二嘅自殺

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會導致另一個人嘅死亡

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一個群體嘅自殺率上升時

108
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佢嘅自殺加謀殺率亦會上升

109
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我好想了解，迪倫喺死前諗緊咩

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於是我去研究啲自殺未遂嘅人

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我做調查，又幫手籌款

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一有機會

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就同啲自殺未遂

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或者有自殺傾向嘅人倾偈

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我一個同事

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畀我好大嘅啟發

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佢之前喺辦公室

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偶然聽到我同人講

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迪倫肯定唔愛我，唔係嘅話

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佢點會做出咁恐怖嘅事

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之後，我呢個同事單獨嚟搵我

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佢話，唔好意思，無意中聽到我講嘢

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同時間話我知，我係錯嘅

124
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佢係個後生嘅單身媽咪時

125
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佢要湊住三個細蚊仔

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佢變得好抑鬱，需要住院來確保安全

127
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嗰個時候，佢堅信

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如果佢死咗，佢嘅细路仔會更好

129
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於是佢準備自殺

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佢話，母愛係世界上最堅韌嘅紐帶

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佢愛佢嘅仔女，多於世上嘅一切

132
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但係因為佢個病

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佢堅信佢啲仔女冇佢仲好

134
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我從佢同其他人身上學到

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我哋對自殺嘅抉擇

136
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同我哋諗買邊駕車

137
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,296
或者星期六去邊度玩嘅嗰種選擇

138
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係好唔同

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喺一個人極度想自殺時

140
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佢處於最嚴重嘅醫學緊急狀態

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佢嘅思考能力受損，冇曬自律能力

142
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儘管佢哋計劃同執行時好有逻辑

143
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佢嘅是非觀已經俾痛苦扭曲

144
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呢種痛苦改變咗
佢哋對現實嘅理解

145
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有哋人好識掩飾自己

146
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因為迫不得已

147
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好多人都諗過自殺

148
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如果呢個念頭揮之唔去

149
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仲會諗點去執行

150
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,136
呢就好似其他疾病

151
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,056
係一種病態

152
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呢種病況需要、喺仲有得救時

153
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,040
辨認同治療

154
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但係我個仔唔單止自殺

155
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佢仲導致咗一場屠殺

156
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:30,960
我想知，佢嘅自殺傾向
點變成謀殺傾向

157
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呢方面嘅研究好少

158
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冇簡單同直接嘅答案

159
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冇錯，佢一直都有抑鬱症

160
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佢係個完美主義者，唔鍾意依靠人

161
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佢嘅性格使佢
好少向其他人求助

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00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,336
佢曾經喺學校經歷過使佢覺得

163
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羞愧，屈辱同憤怒嘅觸發事件

164
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而且，佢同一個
係憤怒同孤獨嘅男仔

165
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:09,776
有個複雜嘅關係

166
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,896
呢個男仔處於極度不安嘅狀態

167
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,800
有強烈嘅控制慾同嗜殺慾

168
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:19,136
喺佢哋人生裡邊

169
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,320
最脆弱嘅時候

170
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:25,656
即使我哋屋企冇槍

171
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,840
迪倫都有其他渠道摞到咗槍支

172
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:34,016
一個十七歲嘅男仔，合法或者非法

173
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,880
唔使我知道或允許
就輕易摞到槍支

174
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:44,400
過去十七年嚟嘅校園槍擊

175
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,880
買賣槍支依然係
令人膽寒嘅容易

176
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,880
迪倫嗰日做嘅嘢令我心碎

177
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,096
創傷就係有咁嘅後果

178
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,080
時刻折磨住我嘅身心

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00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,800
槍擊事件後兩年，我得咗乳腺癌

180
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,560
再過咗两年，我得咗心理病

181
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,896
同永久嘅悲哀

182
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:15,496
我好驚我會撞見

183
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,576
被害人嘅家屬

184
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,976
或者媒體

185
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,480
或者一個憤怒嘅市民

186
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,496
我怕開電視睇新聞

187
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:30,480
驚人哋鬧我衰，鬧我核突

188
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,360
我開始有恐慌發作

189
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:41,416
第一發作喺槍擊案後四年

190
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,976
我準備去法庭作證

191
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,800
要面對被害人家屬嗰

192
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,976
第二次發作，喺槍擊案後六年

193
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:54,456
我生來第一次

194
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,480
公開參加討論自殺加謀殺

195
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,920
兩次發作，每次延續幾個星期

196
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,296
恐慌發作隨時會發生

197
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,616
喺五金店，喺寫字樓

198
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,680
甚至喺床上睇書嗰時

199
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:15,656
我會突然充滿恐懼

200
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,776
無論我點試住

201
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:21,856
冷靜落來

202
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,160
我做唔到

203
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,000
感覺好似，我嘅大腦整死我

204
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,496
之後，我一直

205
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,320
好驚自己咁驚

206
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,096
呢個就係我嘅

207
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,560
大腦失常嘅親身經歷

208
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,120
所以，我係大腦健康嘅擁護者

209
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,736
用藥物治療同自我護理

210
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,576
我嘅生活慢慢返到正軌

211
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:52,080
變到相對嘅正常

212
00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,296
我諗下過去， 逐漸明白

213
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:58,880
我個仔臨死前兩年可能

214
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:03,176
因為機能失調過得好辛苦

215
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,360
嗰時，哪怕有一個人知道佢需要幫助

216
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:09,296
又知道點做

217
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,640
兩年時間咁長，肯定有機會幫到佢

218
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:18,256
每一次有人問我

219
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,736
「你點會唔知？」

220
00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:22,760
好似重重一拳打落我個心度

221
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:28,376
指責我，引發我嘅負罪感

222
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,896
無論我接受幾多治療

223
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,840
永遠都唔會完全好返

224
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:35,500
從中我學到

225
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,576
如果愛就夠曬

226
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,736
去打消一個人自殺

227
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,200
同傷人嘅念頭

228
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:45,200
咁自殺就幾乎唔會發生

229
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,120
但係如果有愛仲唔夠

230
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,000
咁自殺會普遍咁發生

231
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:54,496
自殺喺 10 至 34 歲嘅群體

232
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:56,720
係第二大致死原因

233
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,616
舊年 2016 年

234
00:13:00,976 --> 00:13:01,976
百分之十五嘅美國青少年

235
00:13:02,986 --> 00:13:04,746
話自己計劃過自殺

236
00:13:05,860 --> 00:13:07,060
我認識到，無論我哋幾想做到

237
00:13:07,060 --> 00:13:10,220
我哋永遠都唔知道，亦控制唔到

238
00:13:12,774 --> 00:13:15,080
我哋愛嘅人嘅所有諗法同感覺

239
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:17,260
我哋堅信，我哋同其他人唔同

240
00:13:19,954 --> 00:13:23,074
所以我愛嘅人唔會去自殘

241
00:13:23,088 --> 00:13:25,934
或者傷害其他人

242
00:13:25,934 --> 00:13:27,134
呢個觀念會導致我哋忽視

243
00:13:27,294 --> 00:13:29,310
平靜嘅表面下邊嘅嘢

244
00:13:31,140 --> 00:13:32,940
假使最壞嘅事發生咗

245
00:13:36,028 --> 00:13:39,468
我哋要學識
原諒自己唔知嘅嘢

246
00:13:39,468 --> 00:13:43,364
原諒自己冇發現嘅問題

247
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:46,060
原諒自己冇搵到對策

248
00:13:47,210 --> 00:13:49,140
我哋應該假設

249
00:13:49,140 --> 00:13:50,396
我哋所愛嘅人可能受緊折磨

250
00:13:52,784 --> 00:13:55,534
即使佢嘅言行

251
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:57,730
好正常

252
00:13:57,730 --> 00:13:58,970
我哋應該用成個身心咁

253
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,120
唔帶任何偏見咁

254
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:02,320
未必畀到解決方法咁去傾聽

255
00:14:07,358 --> 00:14:09,478
我好清楚，我成世都

256
00:14:09,798 --> 00:14:11,514
會帶著呢個悲劇

257
00:14:12,474 --> 00:14:14,410
呢幾個悲劇，一直行落去

258
00:14:15,290 --> 00:14:16,850
我知道，好多人諗

259
00:14:21,050 --> 00:14:23,050
我嘅損失嘅
遠唔及受害者家屬

260
00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:29,690
我嘅掙扎
唔會減輕佢哋嘅痛苦

261
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,160
有人認為，我冇痛苦嘅權利

262
00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:38,490
只有用成世去贖罪

263
00:14:41,030 --> 00:14:42,850
我嘅總結係

264
00:14:45,324 --> 00:14:47,794
我哋就算再負責再警覺

265
00:14:51,588 --> 00:14:53,984
最尾都可能
防止唔到悲劇嘅發生

266
00:14:54,864 --> 00:14:57,040
但係為咗愛

267
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,216
我哋絕唔可以放棄嘗試

268
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:00,720
去了解現實背後嘅未知

269
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:02,776
多謝

270
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,960
（掌聲）