WEBVTT

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No, I am not enjoying the party.

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Behold poor souls!

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The fates turn backwards on themselves.

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There is danger looming ahead.

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I can see our bleak future.

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I am doomed to know
all of the catastrophes

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that will befall us,

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yet no one believes me.

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Therefore, hark, Paris, Prince of Troy.

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All is twisted and sour -

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and I am not just talking
about the fruit punch.

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Can you not see all of the signs?

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They are all around us,
even as we celebrate.

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Look there,

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Hercules the strongest man
in the world, can break anything,

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but he cannot break dance.

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And look here,

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Hades is the Lord of the Dead,
yet he is the life of the party.

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Sisyphus refuses to rock and roll.

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Prometheus the Titan gave us
the gift of fire, but he’s banned smoking.

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Athena has come to peace with the fact

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that her brother Apollo isn't very bright.

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(Laughter)

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Narcissus broke up with himself.

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(Laughter)

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Orpheus only speaks the truth,
but he plays a lyre.

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Dionysus is sober but Icarus is high,

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Poseidon is sloshed
and Medusa just got stoned.

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(Laughter)

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Atlas is on top of the world.

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(Laughter)

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Athena is also proud of her humility,

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and Hermes thinks
that hubris belongs on pita bread.

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(Laughter)

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Zeus knows everything except
how to spell the word omniscient

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and Thor -

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What the hell is Thor doing here?

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(Laughter)

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Midas has the Golden Touch

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but thanks to Aphrodite
he has also got a touch of herpes.

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Medea is offering advice on parenting.

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Antigone is agreeable.

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An audience smart enough
to understand these jokes

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is too intelligent to be amused by them.

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And Oedipus’ date looks
old enough to be his mother!

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(Laughter)

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And what do all
these foreboding signs forebode?

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We are all doomed to die.

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The Greeks are preparing an attack.

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They will lay siege to this city
and destroy this city

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and everyone within these walls shall
perish by flame and arrow and sword.

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Oh, and you're out of napkins.

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(Laughter)