[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.95,0:00:07.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.84,0:00:10.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Mourners to and fro
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.24,0:00:13.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,kept treading -- treading --\Ntill [it seemed]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.07,0:00:15.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that Sense was breaking through --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.84,0:00:17.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when they all were seated,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.60,0:00:19.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a Service, like a Drum --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.60,0:00:23.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,kept beating -- beating --\Ntill I [thought]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.08,0:00:24.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my Mind was going numb --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.83,0:00:29.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I heard them lift a Box\Nand creak across my Soul
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.99,0:00:33.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with those same Boots of Lead, again,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:33.05,0:00:36.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then Space -- began to toll,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.07,0:00:40.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As [all] the Heavens were a Bell,\Nand Being, [but] an Ear,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:40.20,0:00:43.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I, and Silence, some strange Race,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:43.28,0:00:45.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wrecked, solitary, here --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.49,0:00:49.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[And] then a Plank in Reason, broke,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.67,0:00:52.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I fell down and down --
Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.01,0:00:55.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and hit a World, at every plunge,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.69,0:00:58.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Finished knowing -- then --"
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.20,0:01:03.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We know depression through metaphors.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.68,0:01:07.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Emily Dickinson was able\Nto convey it in language,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.39,0:01:09.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Goya in an image.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.24,0:01:14.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Half the purpose of art\Nis to describe such iconic states.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.100,0:01:19.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As for me, I had always\Nthought myself tough,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.88,0:01:21.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one of the people who could survive
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.70,0:01:24.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I'd been sent to a concentration camp.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.61,0:01:27.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In 1991, I had a series of losses.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.68,0:01:29.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My mother died,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:29.20,0:01:31.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a relationship I'd been in ended,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.32,0:01:35.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I moved back to the United States\Nfrom some years abroad,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:35.27,0:01:37.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I got through all of those\Nexperiences intact.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.62,0:01:41.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in 1994, three years later,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:41.54,0:01:45.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found myself losing interest\Nin almost everything.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.06,0:01:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't want to do any of the things\NI had previously wanted to do,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.96,0:01:51.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I didn't know why.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.99,0:01:56.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The opposite of depression\Nis not happiness, but vitality.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:57.13,0:01:58.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was vitality
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.60,0:02:01.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that seemed to seep away\Nfrom me in that moment.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.23,0:02:05.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Everything there was to do\Nseemed like too much work.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:06.60,0:02:08.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would come home
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.06,0:02:11.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would see the red light\Nflashing on my answering machine,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.41,0:02:13.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and instead of being thrilled\Nto hear from my friends,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.97,0:02:15.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would think,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.19,0:02:17.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"What a lot of people that is\Nto have to call back."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.37,0:02:20.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or I would decide I should have lunch,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.95,0:02:23.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I would think,\Nbut I'd have to get the food out
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.72,0:02:25.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and put it on a plate
Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.50,0:02:29.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and cut it up and chew it and swallow it,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.39,0:02:32.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it felt to me\Nlike the Stations of the Cross.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.29,0:02:37.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And one of the things that often gets lost\Nin discussions of depression
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.44,0:02:39.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that you know it's ridiculous.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.80,0:02:42.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know it's ridiculous\Nwhile you're experiencing it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.77,0:02:44.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know that most people manage
Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.68,0:02:46.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to listen to their messages and eat lunch
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.100,0:02:48.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and organize themselves to take a shower
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.92,0:02:50.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and go out the front door
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.17,0:02:51.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that it's not a big deal,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.82,0:02:54.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet you are nonetheless in its grip
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.98,0:02:58.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you are unable to figure out\Nany way around it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.99,0:03:03.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I began to feel myself doing less
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.24,0:03:05.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and thinking less
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.55,0:03:06.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and feeling less.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.83,0:03:09.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was a kind of nullity.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:10.05,0:03:12.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then the anxiety set in.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.57,0:03:16.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you told me that I'd have to be\Ndepressed for the next month,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.28,0:03:19.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would say, "As long I know it'll be over\Nin November, I can do it."
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.55,0:03:20.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if you said to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.82,0:03:24.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You have to have acute anxiety\Nfor the next month,"
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.15,0:03:26.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would rather slit my wrist\Nthan go through it.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.50,0:03:28.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was the feeling all the time
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.08,0:03:30.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like that feeling you have\Nif you're walking
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.31,0:03:33.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you slip or trip\Nand the ground is rushing up at you,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.85,0:03:36.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but instead of lasting half a second,\Nthe way that does,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.59,0:03:38.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it lasted for six months.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:38.49,0:03:41.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a sensation\Nof being afraid all the time
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.44,0:03:44.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but not even knowing\Nwhat it is that you're afraid of.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.06,0:03:47.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it was at that point\Nthat I began to think
Dialogue: 0,0:03:47.69,0:03:51.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it was just too painful to be alive,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.48,0:03:54.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that the only reason\Nnot to kill oneself
Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.06,0:03:56.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was so as not to hurt other people.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:57.30,0:04:00.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And finally one day, I woke up
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.20,0:04:02.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I thought perhaps I'd had a stroke,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.42,0:04:04.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I lay in bed completely frozen,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.94,0:04:06.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,looking at the telephone, thinking,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.89,0:04:10.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Something is wrong\Nand I should call for help,"
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.45,0:04:12.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I couldn't reach out my arm
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.19,0:04:14.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and pick up the phone and dial.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.80,0:04:18.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And finally, after four full hours\Nof my lying and staring at it,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.88,0:04:20.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the phone rang,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.16,0:04:22.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and somehow I managed to pick it up,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:22.57,0:04:25.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it was my father, and I said,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.52,0:04:28.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm in serious trouble.\NWe need to do something."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:29.53,0:04:34.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The next day I started\Nwith the medications and the therapy.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.35,0:04:39.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I also started reckoning\Nwith this terrible question:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.58,0:04:41.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I'm not the tough person
Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.71,0:04:44.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who could have made it\Nthrough a concentration camp,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.23,0:04:45.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then who am I?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:45.74,0:04:47.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if I have to take medication,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.63,0:04:51.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that medication making me\Nmore fully myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.56,0:04:53.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or is it making me someone else?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.81,0:04:57.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And how do I feel about it\Nif it's making me someone else?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.10,0:05:01.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had two advantages\Nas I went into the fight.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.58,0:05:04.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first is that I knew that,\Nobjectively speaking,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:04.28,0:05:05.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a nice life,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.90,0:05:07.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that if I could only get well,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.79,0:05:10.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there was something at the other end\Nthat was worth living for.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.01,0:05:13.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the other was\Nthat I had access to good treatment.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.34,0:05:17.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I nonetheless emerged and relapsed,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.82,0:05:20.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and emerged and relapsed,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.35,0:05:23.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and emerged and relapsed,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.37,0:05:25.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and finally understood
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.33,0:05:29.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would have to be on medication\Nand in therapy forever.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.77,0:05:30.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.96,0:05:33.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But is it a chemical problem\Nor a psychological problem?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.77,0:05:37.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And does it need a chemical cure\Nor a philosophical cure?"
Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.73,0:05:39.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I couldn't figure out which it was.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.88,0:05:41.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I understood that actually,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.00,0:05:45.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we aren't advanced enough in either area\Nfor it to explain things fully.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.01,0:05:49.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The chemical cure\Nand the psychological cure
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.36,0:05:51.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,both have a role to play,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.06,0:05:55.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I also figured out\Nthat depression was something
Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.06,0:05:57.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that was braided so deep into us
Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.31,0:06:00.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that there was no separating it\Nfrom our character and personality.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.55,0:06:06.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want to say that the treatments we have\Nfor depression are appalling.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.04,0:06:07.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're not very effective.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.96,0:06:09.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're extremely costly.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.75,0:06:12.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They come with innumerable side effects.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.27,0:06:13.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're a disaster.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.03,0:06:18.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I am so grateful that I live now\Nand not 50 years ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.72,0:06:21.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when there would have been\Nalmost nothing to be done.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.66,0:06:24.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I hope that 50 years hence,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.07,0:06:26.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people will hear about my treatments
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.12,0:06:29.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and be appalled that anyone endured\Nsuch primitive science.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.88,0:06:34.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Depression is the flaw in love.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.44,0:06:38.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you were married\Nto someone and thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.58,0:06:42.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well, if my wife dies,\NI'll find another one,"
Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.32,0:06:44.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it wouldn't be love as we know it.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.36,0:06:49.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no such thing as love\Nwithout the anticipation of loss,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:49.96,0:06:55.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that specter of despair\Ncan be the engine of intimacy.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.20,0:06:59.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are three things\Npeople tend to confuse:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.06,0:07:02.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,depression, grief and sadness.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.97,0:07:06.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Grief is explicitly reactive.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.33,0:07:09.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you have a loss\Nand you feel incredibly unhappy,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.23,0:07:10.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then, six months later,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:10.93,0:07:14.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you are still deeply sad,\Nbut you're functioning a little better,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.04,0:07:15.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's probably grief,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.85,0:07:19.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it will probably ultimately\Nresolve itself in some measure.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.61,0:07:22.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you experience a catastrophic loss,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.44,0:07:23.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you feel terrible,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.76,0:07:26.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and six months later\Nyou can barely function at all,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:26.58,0:07:29.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then it's probably a depression\Nthat was triggered
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.12,0:07:31.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by the catastrophic circumstances.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.65,0:07:34.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The trajectory tells us a great deal.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.20,0:07:38.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People think of depression\Nas being just sadness.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.58,0:07:40.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's much, much too much sadness,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.78,0:07:42.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,much too much grief
Dialogue: 0,0:07:42.55,0:07:44.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at far too slight a cause.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.47,0:07:48.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As I set out to understand depression,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:48.28,0:07:50.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to interview people\Nwho had experienced it,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.95,0:07:54.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I found that there were people\Nwho seemed, on the surface,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.77,0:07:57.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to have what sounded like\Nrelatively mild depression
Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.00,0:08:00.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who were nonetheless\Nutterly disabled by it.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.30,0:08:03.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there were other people\Nwho had what sounded
Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.73,0:08:06.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as they described it\Nlike terribly severe depression
Dialogue: 0,0:08:06.82,0:08:08.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who nonetheless had good lives
Dialogue: 0,0:08:08.58,0:08:11.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the interstices\Nbetween their depressive episodes.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.88,0:08:15.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I set out to find out\Nwhat it is that causes some people
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.87,0:08:18.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be more resilient than other people.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:18.13,0:08:21.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What are the mechanisms\Nthat allow people to survive?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.65,0:08:24.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I went out and I interviewed\Nperson after person
Dialogue: 0,0:08:24.87,0:08:26.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who was suffering with depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.87,0:08:29.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of the first people I interviewed
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.09,0:08:33.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,described depression\Nas a slower way of being dead,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.97,0:08:36.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that was a good thing\Nfor me to hear early on
Dialogue: 0,0:08:36.32,0:08:39.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it reminded me\Nthat that slow way of being dead
Dialogue: 0,0:08:39.46,0:08:41.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can lead to actual deadness,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:41.76,0:08:43.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that this is a serious business.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.74,0:08:46.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's the leading disability worldwide,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.15,0:08:48.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and people die of it every day.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:49.18,0:08:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of the people I talked to\Nwhen I was trying to understand this
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.93,0:08:56.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was a beloved friend\Nwho I had known for many years,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.81,0:09:01.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and who had had a psychotic episode\Nin her freshman year of college,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.29,0:09:04.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then plummeted\Ninto a horrific depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:04.12,0:09:05.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She had bipolar illness,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.78,0:09:08.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or manic depression, as it was then known.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.29,0:09:12.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then she did very well\Nfor many years on lithium,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.10,0:09:15.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then eventually,\Nshe was taken off her lithium
Dialogue: 0,0:09:15.27,0:09:17.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to see how she would do without it,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.11,0:09:19.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she had another psychosis,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.08,0:09:23.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then plunged into the worst depression\Nthat I had ever seen
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.46,0:09:26.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in which she sat\Nin her parents' apartment,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.31,0:09:29.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,more or less catatonic,\Nessentially without moving,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.60,0:09:31.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,day after day after day.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:31.94,0:09:35.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when I interviewed her\Nabout that experience some years later --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.45,0:09:38.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she's a poet and psychotherapist\Nnamed Maggie Robbins --
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.58,0:09:41.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I interviewed her, she said,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:41.65,0:09:45.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I was singing 'Where Have\NAll The Flowers Gone,'
Dialogue: 0,0:09:45.19,0:09:48.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over and over, to occupy my mind.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.56,0:09:51.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was singing to blot out\Nthe things my mind was saying,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:51.38,0:09:56.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which were, 'You are nothing.\NYou are nobody.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.16,0:09:58.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't even deserve to live.'
Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.69,0:10:01.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that was\Nwhen I really started thinking
Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.12,0:10:02.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about killing myself."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.19,0:10:07.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't think in depression\Nthat you've put on a gray veil
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.13,0:10:10.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and are seeing the world\Nthrough the haze of a bad mood.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.00,0:10:13.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You think that the veil\Nhas been taken away,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:14.02,0:10:15.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the veil of happiness,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.64,0:10:17.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that now you're seeing truly.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:18.25,0:10:21.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easier to help\Nschizophrenics who perceive
Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.03,0:10:25.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that there's something foreign\Ninside of them that needs to be exorcised,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.03,0:10:27.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's difficult with depressives,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:27.38,0:10:30.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we believe\Nwe are seeing the truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.04,0:10:32.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the truth lies.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.99,0:10:35.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I became obsessed with that sentence:
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.98,0:10:38.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But the truth lies."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.44,0:10:40.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I discovered,\Nas I talked to depressive people,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:40.90,0:10:43.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they have\Nmany delusional perceptions.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.82,0:10:45.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People will say, "No one loves me."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.58,0:10:46.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you say, "I love you,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.81,0:10:49.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your wife loves you,\Nyour mother loves you."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:49.34,0:10:52.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can answer that one pretty readily,\Nat least for most people.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.12,0:10:55.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But people who are depressed\Nwill also say,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.31,0:10:59.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"No matter what we do,\Nwe're all just going to die in the end."
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.38,0:11:01.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or they'll say,\N"There can be no true communion
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.64,0:11:03.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between two human beings.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.02,0:11:05.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Each of us is trapped in his own body."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:05.80,0:11:07.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To which you have to say,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.45,0:11:08.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"That's true,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:08.95,0:11:12.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I think we should focus right now\Non what to have for breakfast."
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.48,0:11:14.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.67,0:11:16.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A lot of the time,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.34,0:11:19.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what they are expressing\Nis not illness, but insight,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:19.34,0:11:21.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and one comes to think\Nwhat's really extraordinary
Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.89,0:11:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is that most of us know\Nabout those existential questions
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.05,0:11:27.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they don't distract us very much.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.43,0:11:29.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There was a study I particularly liked
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.27,0:11:33.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in which a group of depressed\Nand a group of non-depressed people
Dialogue: 0,0:11:33.04,0:11:35.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,were asked to play a video\Ngame for an hour,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.79,0:11:37.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at the end of the hour,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:37.43,0:11:41.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they were asked how many little monsters\Nthey thought they had killed.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.07,0:11:45.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The depressive group was usually accurate\Nto within about 10 percent,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:45.08,0:11:46.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the non-depressed people
Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.67,0:11:51.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,guessed between 15 and 20 times\Nas many little monsters --
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.15,0:11:52.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.32,0:11:54.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as they had actually killed.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.94,0:11:59.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A lot of people said, when I chose\Nto write about my depression,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:59.18,0:12:02.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it must be very difficult\Nto be out of that closet,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:02.67,0:12:03.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to have people know.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:04.01,0:12:06.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They said, "Do people\Ntalk to you differently?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.30,0:12:08.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "Yes, people\Ntalk to me differently.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:08.40,0:12:10.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They talk to me differently insofar
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.19,0:12:12.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as they start telling me\Nabout their experience,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.88,0:12:14.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or their sister's experience,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:14.72,0:12:16.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or their friend's experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.73,0:12:18.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Things are different because now I know
Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.95,0:12:23.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that depression is the family secret\Nthat everyone has.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.72,0:12:27.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went a few years ago to a conference,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.36,0:12:29.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and on Friday of the three-day conference,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.82,0:12:32.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one of the participants\Ntook me aside, and she said,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.85,0:12:39.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I suffer from depression\Nand I'm a little embarrassed about it,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:39.12,0:12:40.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I've been taking this medication,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.99,0:12:44.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I just wanted to ask you\Nwhat you think?"
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.13,0:12:46.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I did my best to give her\Nsuch advice as I could.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.77,0:12:51.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then she said, "You know,\Nmy husband would never understand this.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:51.28,0:12:54.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's really the kind of guy to whom\Nthis wouldn't make any sense,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.57,0:12:56.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so, you know, it's just between us."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:56.72,0:12:58.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "Yes, that's fine."
Dialogue: 0,0:12:58.73,0:13:00.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On Sunday of the same conference,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:00.62,0:13:02.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,her husband took me aside,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.52,0:13:03.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.85,0:13:05.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he said, "My wife wouldn't think
Dialogue: 0,0:13:05.64,0:13:07.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I was really much\Nof a guy if she knew this,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:07.97,0:13:11.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I've been dealing with this depression\Nand I'm taking some medication,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.76,0:13:14.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I wondered what you think?"
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.20,0:13:16.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were hiding the same medication
Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.52,0:13:19.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in two different places\Nin the same bedroom.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:19.92,0:13:21.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.14,0:13:24.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said that I thought\Ncommunication within the marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.10,0:13:26.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,might be triggering\Nsome of their problems.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.17,0:13:28.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:13:30.59,0:13:32.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I was also struck
Dialogue: 0,0:13:32.18,0:13:35.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by the burdensome nature\Nof such mutual secrecy.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.14,0:13:38.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Depression is so exhausting.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.03,0:13:40.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It takes up so much\Nof your time and energy,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:40.100,0:13:42.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and silence about it,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.55,0:13:44.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it really does make the depression worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.28,0:13:46.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then I began thinking
Dialogue: 0,0:13:46.51,0:13:48.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about all the ways\Npeople make themselves better.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.86,0:13:51.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd started off as a medical conservative.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:51.34,0:13:53.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought there were a few\Nkinds of therapy that worked,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.100,0:13:55.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it was clear what they were --
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.47,0:13:56.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there was medication,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:56.99,0:13:58.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there were certain psychotherapies,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.68,0:14:01.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there was possibly\Nelectroconvulsive treatment,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:01.13,0:14:03.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that everything else was nonsense.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.74,0:14:05.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then I discovered something.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:05.69,0:14:07.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you have brain cancer,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:07.35,0:14:10.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you say that standing on your head\Nfor 20 minutes every morning
Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.56,0:14:11.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,makes you feel better,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:11.74,0:14:14.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it may make you feel better,\Nbut you still have brain cancer,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.74,0:14:16.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you'll still probably die from it.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.39,0:14:19.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if you say that you have depression,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.70,0:14:22.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and standing on your head\Nfor 20 minutes every day
Dialogue: 0,0:14:22.06,0:14:24.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,makes you feel better, then it's worked,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.28,0:14:26.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because depression\Nis an illness of how you feel,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.75,0:14:28.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you feel better,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:28.10,0:14:30.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then you are effectively\Nnot depressed anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.11,0:14:33.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I became much more tolerant
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.22,0:14:35.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of the vast world\Nof alternative treatments.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.94,0:14:38.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I get letters,\NI get hundreds of letters
Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.27,0:14:41.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from people writing to tell me\Nabout what's worked for them.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.11,0:14:44.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone was asking me\Nbackstage today about meditation.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.70,0:14:48.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My favorite of the letters that I got\Nwas the one that came from a woman
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.39,0:14:51.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who wrote and said\Nthat she had tried therapy, medication,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:51.34,0:14:53.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she had tried pretty much everything,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.19,0:14:56.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she had found a solution\Nand hoped I would tell the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:56.12,0:14:59.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that was making\Nlittle things from yarn.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:59.72,0:15:02.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:02.63,0:15:04.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She sent me some of them.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.19,0:15:06.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:06.25,0:15:08.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm not wearing them right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:08.14,0:15:09.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:15:09.84,0:15:12.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I suggested to her\Nthat she also should look up
Dialogue: 0,0:15:12.36,0:15:15.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,obsessive compulsive disorder in the DSM.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:16.98,0:15:19.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, when I went to look\Nat alternative treatments,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.69,0:15:22.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I also gained perspective\Non other treatments.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.60,0:15:25.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I went through\Na tribal exorcism in Senegal
Dialogue: 0,0:15:25.35,0:15:27.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that involved a great deal of ram's blood
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.36,0:15:29.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that I'm not going\Nto detail right now,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:29.42,0:15:31.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but a few years afterwards\NI was in Rwanda,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:31.45,0:15:33.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,working on a different project,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:33.37,0:15:35.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I happened to describe\Nmy experience to someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:35.98,0:15:37.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he said,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:37.16,0:15:39.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well, that's West Africa,\Nand we're in East Africa,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:39.64,0:15:41.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our rituals are\Nin some ways very different,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:41.92,0:15:43.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we do have some rituals
Dialogue: 0,0:15:43.25,0:15:46.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that have something in common\Nwith what you're describing."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:46.07,0:15:47.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.26,0:15:50.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But we've had a lot of trouble\Nwith Western mental health workers,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:50.50,0:15:53.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially the ones who came\Nright after the genocide."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.14,0:15:55.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "What kind\Nof trouble did you have?"
Dialogue: 0,0:15:55.21,0:15:58.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said, "Well,\Nthey would do this bizarre thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.99,0:16:01.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They didn't take people out\Nin the sunshine
Dialogue: 0,0:16:01.06,0:16:02.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where you begin to feel better.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:02.57,0:16:05.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They didn't include drumming\Nor music to get people's blood going.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.75,0:16:07.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They didn't involve the whole community.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:07.68,0:16:10.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They didn't externalize\Nthe depression as an invasive spirit.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:10.94,0:16:15.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead what they did was they took people\None at a time into dingy little rooms
Dialogue: 0,0:16:15.98,0:16:17.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and had them talk for an hour
Dialogue: 0,0:16:17.38,0:16:19.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about bad things\Nthat had happened to them."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:19.55,0:16:21.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.62,0:16:24.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:25.01,0:16:27.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He said, "We had to ask them\Nto leave the country."
Dialogue: 0,0:16:27.46,0:16:30.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.43,0:16:33.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now at the other end\Nof alternative treatments,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:33.03,0:16:35.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,let me tell you about Frank Russakoff.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:35.15,0:16:40.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Frank Russakoff had the worst depression\Nperhaps that I've ever seen in a man.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:40.88,0:16:42.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was constantly depressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.87,0:16:44.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was, when I met him,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:44.34,0:16:48.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at a point at which every month,\Nhe would have electroshock treatment.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:48.17,0:16:50.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then he would feel\Nsort of disoriented for a week.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.74,0:16:52.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then he would feel okay for a week.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:52.55,0:16:54.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Then he would have a week\Nof going downhill.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:54.66,0:16:57.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then he would have another\Nelectroshock treatment.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:57.28,0:16:58.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said to me when I met him,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:58.88,0:17:01.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"It's unbearable to go\Nthrough my weeks this way.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:01.26,0:17:02.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can't go on this way,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.74,0:17:04.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I've figured out\Nhow I'm going to end it
Dialogue: 0,0:17:04.87,0:17:06.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I don't get better."
Dialogue: 0,0:17:06.23,0:17:10.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But," he said to me,\N"I heard about a protocol at Mass General
Dialogue: 0,0:17:10.35,0:17:13.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for a procedure called a cingulotomy,\Nwhich is a brain surgery,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:13.60,0:17:15.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I think I'm going to give that a try."
Dialogue: 0,0:17:15.89,0:17:19.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I remember being amazed\Nat that point to think that someone
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.21,0:17:22.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who clearly had so many bad experiences
Dialogue: 0,0:17:22.23,0:17:24.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with so many different treatments
Dialogue: 0,0:17:24.39,0:17:27.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,still had buried in him,\Nsomewhere, enough optimism
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.45,0:17:29.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to reach out for one more.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.76,0:17:33.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he had the cingulotomy,\Nand it was incredibly successful.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:33.98,0:17:35.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He's now a friend of mine.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:35.62,0:17:38.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He has a lovely wife\Nand two beautiful children.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:38.97,0:17:41.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He wrote me a letter\Nthe Christmas after the surgery,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:41.92,0:17:43.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he said,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:43.10,0:17:45.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"My father sent me two presents this year,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:45.73,0:17:48.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First, a motorized CD rack\Nfrom The Sharper Image
Dialogue: 0,0:17:48.28,0:17:49.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I didn't really need,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:49.70,0:17:51.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I knew he was giving it\Nto me to celebrate
Dialogue: 0,0:17:51.96,0:17:55.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the fact that I'm living on my own\Nand have a job I seem to love.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:55.64,0:17:58.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the other present\Nwas a photo of my grandmother,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:58.90,0:18:00.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who committed suicide.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.96,0:18:03.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As I unwrapped it, I began to cry,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:03.88,0:18:05.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my mother came over and said,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:05.76,0:18:08.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Are you crying because\Nof the relatives you never knew?'
Dialogue: 0,0:18:09.16,0:18:12.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, 'She had\Nthe same disease I have.'
Dialogue: 0,0:18:13.24,0:18:15.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm crying now as I write to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:15.88,0:18:19.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not that I'm so sad,\Nbut I get overwhelmed,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:19.19,0:18:21.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think, because I could\Nhave killed myself,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:21.41,0:18:24.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but my parents kept me going,\Nand so did the doctors,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:24.86,0:18:26.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I had the surgery.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:26.72,0:18:28.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm alive and grateful.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:29.53,0:18:34.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We live in the right time,\Neven if it doesn't always feel like it."
Dialogue: 0,0:18:35.86,0:18:37.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was struck by the fact that depression
Dialogue: 0,0:18:37.80,0:18:42.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is broadly perceived to be\Na modern, Western, middle-class thing,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:42.83,0:18:46.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I went to look at how it operated\Nin a variety of other contexts,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:46.98,0:18:49.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and one of the things\NI was most interested in
Dialogue: 0,0:18:49.20,0:18:51.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was depression among the indigent.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:51.14,0:18:52.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I went out to try to look
Dialogue: 0,0:18:52.71,0:18:55.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at what was being done\Nfor poor people with depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:55.49,0:18:57.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what I discovered is that poor people
Dialogue: 0,0:18:57.64,0:19:00.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are mostly not being\Ntreated for depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:00.19,0:19:02.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Depression is the result\Nof a genetic vulnerability,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:02.89,0:19:06.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is presumably\Nevenly distributed in the population,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:06.26,0:19:07.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and triggering circumstances,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:07.100,0:19:11.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which are likely to be more severe\Nfor people who are impoverished.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:11.78,0:19:15.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet it turns out that if you have\Na really lovely life
Dialogue: 0,0:19:15.30,0:19:16.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but feel miserable all the time,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:16.91,0:19:18.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you think, "Why do I feel like this?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:18.72,0:19:19.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I must have depression."
Dialogue: 0,0:19:20.01,0:19:22.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And you set out to find treatment for it.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:22.17,0:19:24.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if you have a perfectly awful life,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:24.13,0:19:25.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you feel miserable all the time,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:25.90,0:19:28.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the way you feel\Nis commensurate with your life,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:28.93,0:19:30.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it doesn't occur to you to think,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:30.81,0:19:32.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Maybe this is treatable."
Dialogue: 0,0:19:32.37,0:19:35.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so we have an epidemic in this country
Dialogue: 0,0:19:35.60,0:19:38.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of depression among impoverished people
Dialogue: 0,0:19:38.28,0:19:40.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's not being picked up\Nand that's not being treated
Dialogue: 0,0:19:40.87,0:19:42.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that's not being addressed,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:42.85,0:19:44.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's a tragedy of a grand order.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:45.22,0:19:46.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so I found an academic
Dialogue: 0,0:19:46.84,0:19:50.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who was doing a research project\Nin slums outside of D.C.,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:50.09,0:19:53.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where she picked up women\Nwho had come in for other health problems
Dialogue: 0,0:19:53.26,0:19:55.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and diagnosed them with depression,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:55.04,0:19:58.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then provided six months\Nof the experimental protocol.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:58.13,0:20:00.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of them, Lolly, came in,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:00.46,0:20:02.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this is what she said\Nthe day she came in.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:03.07,0:20:07.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, and she was a woman,\Nby the way, who had seven children.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:07.66,0:20:10.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "I used to have a job\Nbut I had to give it up
Dialogue: 0,0:20:10.47,0:20:12.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I couldn't go out of the house.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:13.13,0:20:15.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have nothing to say to my children.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:15.45,0:20:17.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the morning,\NI can't wait for them to leave,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:17.95,0:20:21.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I climb in bed\Nand pull the covers over my head,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:21.18,0:20:23.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and three o'clock when they come home,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:23.08,0:20:24.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it just comes so fast."
Dialogue: 0,0:20:24.54,0:20:26.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "I've been taking\Na lot of Tylenol,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:26.86,0:20:29.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,anything I can take\Nso that I can sleep more.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:29.39,0:20:33.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My husband has been telling me\NI'm stupid, I'm ugly.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:33.41,0:20:36.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I wish I could stop the pain."
Dialogue: 0,0:20:36.94,0:20:39.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, she was brought\Ninto this experimental protocol,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:39.56,0:20:41.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I interviewed her\Nsix months later,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:41.77,0:20:45.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she had taken a job working in childcare
Dialogue: 0,0:20:46.02,0:20:50.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the U.S. Navy,\Nshe had left the abusive husband,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:50.09,0:20:52.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she said to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:52.14,0:20:54.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"My kids are so much happier now."
Dialogue: 0,0:20:54.42,0:20:57.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "There's one room\Nin my new place for the boys
Dialogue: 0,0:20:57.12,0:20:59.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and one room for the girls,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:59.04,0:21:01.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but at night, they're just\Nall up on my bed,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:01.40,0:21:03.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we're doing homework\Nall together and everything.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:04.01,0:21:05.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of them wants to be a preacher,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:05.71,0:21:07.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one of them wants to be a firefighter,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:07.63,0:21:10.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and one of the girls says\Nshe's going to be a lawyer.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:10.35,0:21:12.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They don't cry like they used to,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:12.58,0:21:14.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they don't fight like they did.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:15.14,0:21:17.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's all I need now, is my kids.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:18.83,0:21:20.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Things keep on changing,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:20.80,0:21:25.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the way I dress,\Nthe way I feel, the way I act.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:25.91,0:21:29.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can go outside not being afraid anymore,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:29.73,0:21:33.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I don't think\Nthose bad feelings are coming back,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:33.25,0:21:36.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if it weren't\Nfor Dr. Miranda and that,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:36.21,0:21:39.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would still be at home\Nwith the covers pulled over my head,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:39.75,0:21:41.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I were still alive at all.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:42.10,0:21:45.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I asked the Lord to send me an angel,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:45.63,0:21:47.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and He heard my prayers."
Dialogue: 0,0:21:50.31,0:21:53.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was really moved by these experiences,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:53.31,0:21:55.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I decided that I wanted\Nto write about them
Dialogue: 0,0:21:55.85,0:21:58.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not only in a book I was working on,\Nbut also in an article,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:58.69,0:22:01.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I got a commission\Nfrom The New York Times Magazine
Dialogue: 0,0:22:01.30,0:22:03.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to write about depression\Namong the indigent.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:03.44,0:22:04.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I turned in my story,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:04.70,0:22:08.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my editor called me and said,\N"We really can't publish this."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:08.67,0:22:09.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "Why not?"
Dialogue: 0,0:22:09.85,0:22:11.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And she said, "It just is too far-fetched.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:11.95,0:22:15.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,These people who are sort of\Nat the very bottom rung of society
Dialogue: 0,0:22:15.63,0:22:17.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then they get\Na few months of treatment
Dialogue: 0,0:22:17.67,0:22:20.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they're virtually ready\Nto run Morgan Stanley?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:20.07,0:22:21.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's just too implausible."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:22.01,0:22:24.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said, "I've never even heard\Nof anything like it."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:24.62,0:22:27.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said, "The fact\Nthat you've never heard of it
Dialogue: 0,0:22:27.10,0:22:29.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is an indication that it is news."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:29.91,0:22:33.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:22:33.95,0:22:37.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:22:37.32,0:22:39.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"And you are a news magazine."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:39.95,0:22:43.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So after a certain amount of negotiation,\Nthey agreed to it.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:43.03,0:22:46.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I think a lot of what they said\Nwas connected in some strange way
Dialogue: 0,0:22:46.94,0:22:50.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to this distaste that people still have\Nfor the idea of treatment,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:50.55,0:22:52.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the notion that somehow if we went out
Dialogue: 0,0:22:52.43,0:22:55.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and treated a lot of people\Nin indigent communities,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:55.28,0:22:57.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that would be exploitative,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:57.16,0:22:58.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we would be changing them.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:58.88,0:23:02.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is this false moral imperative\Nthat seems to be all around us,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:02.71,0:23:04.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that treatment of depression,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:04.84,0:23:07.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the medications and so on,\Nare an artifice,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:07.14,0:23:09.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that it's not natural.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:09.49,0:23:12.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I think that's very misguided.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:12.46,0:23:15.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It would be natural\Nfor people's teeth to fall out,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:15.81,0:23:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but there is nobody militating\Nagainst toothpaste,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:19.02,0:23:20.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,at least not in my circles.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:21.92,0:23:23.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People then say,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:23.18,0:23:26.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"But isn't depression part of what people\Nare supposed to experience?
Dialogue: 0,0:23:26.47,0:23:28.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Didn't we evolve to have depression?
Dialogue: 0,0:23:28.22,0:23:29.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Isn't it part of your personality?"
Dialogue: 0,0:23:29.100,0:23:32.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To which I would say, mood is adaptive.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:32.46,0:23:35.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Being able to have sadness and fear
Dialogue: 0,0:23:35.56,0:23:37.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and joy and pleasure
Dialogue: 0,0:23:37.49,0:23:41.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and all of the other moods that we have,\Nthat's incredibly valuable.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:41.27,0:23:43.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And major depression
Dialogue: 0,0:23:43.21,0:23:46.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is something that happens\Nwhen that system gets broken.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:46.60,0:23:48.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's maladaptive.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:48.22,0:23:49.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People will come to me and say,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:49.86,0:23:52.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I think, though, if I just\Nstick it out for another year,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:52.69,0:23:54.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think I can just get through this."
Dialogue: 0,0:23:54.57,0:23:57.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I always say to them,\N"You may get through it,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:57.11,0:23:59.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but you'll never be 37 again.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:59.73,0:24:03.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Life is short, and that's a whole year\Nyou're talking about giving up.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:03.98,0:24:05.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Think it through."
Dialogue: 0,0:24:05.69,0:24:08.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a strange poverty\Nof the English language,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:08.37,0:24:10.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and indeed of many other languages,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:10.47,0:24:12.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that we use this same word, depression,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:12.87,0:24:16.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to describe how a kid feels\Nwhen it rains on his birthday,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:16.61,0:24:20.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to describe how somebody feels\Nthe minute before they commit suicide.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:21.50,0:24:24.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People say to me, "Well, is it\Ncontinuous with normal sadness?"
Dialogue: 0,0:24:24.52,0:24:27.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I say, in a way it's continuous\Nwith normal sadness.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:27.66,0:24:29.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is a certain amount of continuity,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:29.85,0:24:31.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it's the same way there's continuity
Dialogue: 0,0:24:31.82,0:24:34.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between having an iron fence\Noutside your house
Dialogue: 0,0:24:34.04,0:24:35.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that gets a little rust spot
Dialogue: 0,0:24:35.49,0:24:38.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you have to sand off\Nand do a little repainting,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:38.11,0:24:40.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and what happens if you leave\Nthe house for 100 years
Dialogue: 0,0:24:40.96,0:24:44.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it rusts through\Nuntil it's only a pile of orange dust.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:45.08,0:24:46.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's that orange dust spot,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:46.96,0:24:48.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that orange dust problem,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:48.75,0:24:51.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's the one\Nwe're setting out to address.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:52.04,0:24:54.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now people say,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:54.28,0:24:56.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You take these happy pills,\Nand do you feel happy?"
Dialogue: 0,0:24:56.98,0:24:58.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I don't.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:58.59,0:25:01.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I don't feel sad\Nabout having to eat lunch,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:01.59,0:25:04.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I don't feel sad\Nabout my answering machine,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:04.45,0:25:06.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I don't feel sad\Nabout taking a shower.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:07.32,0:25:09.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel more, in fact, I think,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:09.95,0:25:12.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I can feel\Nsadness without nullity.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:12.70,0:25:16.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel sad about professional\Ndisappointments,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:16.93,0:25:19.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about damaged relationships,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:19.24,0:25:20.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about global warming.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:21.11,0:25:23.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those are the things\Nthat I feel sad about now.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:23.84,0:25:26.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I said to myself, well,\Nwhat is the conclusion?
Dialogue: 0,0:25:26.57,0:25:29.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How did those people who have better lives
Dialogue: 0,0:25:29.13,0:25:31.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even with bigger depression\Nmanage to get through?
Dialogue: 0,0:25:31.96,0:25:34.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is the mechanism of resilience?
Dialogue: 0,0:25:34.58,0:25:36.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what I came up with over time
Dialogue: 0,0:25:36.57,0:25:39.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was that the people\Nwho deny their experience,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:39.42,0:25:41.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and say, "I was depressed a long time ago,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:41.46,0:25:43.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I never want to think about it again,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:43.25,0:25:44.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not going to look at it
Dialogue: 0,0:25:44.57,0:25:46.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm just going\Nto get on with my life,"
Dialogue: 0,0:25:46.62,0:25:51.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,ironically, those are the people\Nwho are most enslaved by what they have.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:51.24,0:25:53.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shutting out the depression\Nstrengthens it.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:53.78,0:25:56.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,While you hide from it, it grows.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:57.18,0:25:59.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the people who do better
Dialogue: 0,0:25:59.75,0:26:04.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are the ones who are able to tolerate\Nthe fact that they have this condition.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:04.32,0:26:08.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those who can tolerate their depression\Nare the ones who achieve resilience.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:08.52,0:26:10.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So Frank Russakoff said to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:10.15,0:26:13.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"If I had a do-over,\NI suppose I wouldn't do it this way,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:13.90,0:26:17.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but in a strange way,\NI'm grateful for what I've experienced.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:17.39,0:26:20.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm glad to have been\Nin the hospital 40 times.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:21.02,0:26:23.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It taught me so much about love,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:23.66,0:26:26.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my relationship\Nwith my parents and my doctors
Dialogue: 0,0:26:26.60,0:26:30.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has been so precious to me,\Nand will be always."
Dialogue: 0,0:26:30.77,0:26:32.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Maggie Robbins said,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:32.70,0:26:35.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I used to volunteer in an AIDS clinic,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:35.69,0:26:38.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would just talk and talk and talk,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:38.70,0:26:42.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the people I was dealing with\Nweren't very responsive, and I thought,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:42.76,0:26:45.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'That's not very friendly\Nor helpful of them.'"
Dialogue: 0,0:26:45.28,0:26:46.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:26:46.54,0:26:48.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"And then I realized,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:48.18,0:26:50.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I realized that\Nthey weren't going to do more
Dialogue: 0,0:26:50.35,0:26:52.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than make those first\Nfew minutes of small talk.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:52.86,0:26:54.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It was simply going to be an occasion
Dialogue: 0,0:26:54.92,0:26:57.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I didn't have AIDS\Nand I wasn't dying,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:57.89,0:27:00.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but could tolerate the fact that they did
Dialogue: 0,0:27:00.80,0:27:02.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they were.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:02.50,0:27:05.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our needs are our greatest assets.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:06.20,0:27:10.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It turns out I've learned to give\Nall the things I need."
Dialogue: 0,0:27:12.16,0:27:16.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Valuing one's depression\Ndoes not prevent a relapse,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:16.04,0:27:18.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it may make the prospect of relapse
Dialogue: 0,0:27:18.71,0:27:22.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and even relapse itself\Neasier to tolerate.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:23.00,0:27:26.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The question is not so much\Nof finding great meaning
Dialogue: 0,0:27:26.69,0:27:29.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and deciding your depression\Nhas been very meaningful.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:29.28,0:27:33.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's of seeking that meaning\Nand thinking, when it comes again,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:33.30,0:27:36.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"This will be hellish,\Nbut I will learn something from it."
Dialogue: 0,0:27:37.49,0:27:39.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have learned in my own depression
Dialogue: 0,0:27:39.75,0:27:41.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how big an emotion can be,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:41.97,0:27:45.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how it can be more real than facts,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:45.06,0:27:47.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I have found that that experience
Dialogue: 0,0:27:47.81,0:27:50.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has allowed me to experience\Npositive emotion
Dialogue: 0,0:27:50.70,0:27:53.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a more intense and more focused way.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:54.22,0:27:57.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The opposite of depression\Nis not happiness,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:57.83,0:27:59.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but vitality,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:59.16,0:28:02.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and these days, my life is vital,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:02.14,0:28:04.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even on the days when I'm sad.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:04.82,0:28:07.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I felt that funeral in my brain,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:07.96,0:28:12.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I sat next to the colossus\Nat the edge of the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:12.53,0:28:16.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I have discovered\Nsomething inside of myself
Dialogue: 0,0:28:16.44,0:28:18.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I would have to call a soul
Dialogue: 0,0:28:18.52,0:28:22.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I had never formulated\Nuntil that day 20 years ago
Dialogue: 0,0:28:22.06,0:28:25.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when hell came to pay me a surprise visit.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:26.84,0:28:30.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think that while I hated being depressed
Dialogue: 0,0:28:30.68,0:28:33.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and would hate to be depressed again,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:33.20,0:28:35.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've found a way to love my depression.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:35.89,0:28:40.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love it because it has forced me\Nto find and cling to joy.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:40.68,0:28:44.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I love it because each day I decide,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:44.29,0:28:45.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sometimes gamely,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:45.71,0:28:48.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and sometimes against the moment's reason,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:48.28,0:28:50.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to cleave to the reasons for living.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:50.98,0:28:54.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that, I think,\Nis a highly privileged rapture.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:55.08,0:28:56.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:56.36,0:29:00.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:29:00.38,0:29:01.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:01.56,0:29:03.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)