0:00:03.034,0:00:06.541
I grew up with my identical twin,[br]

0:00:06.541,0:00:09.708
who was an incredibly loving brother.

0:00:09.708,0:00:13.555
Now one thing about being a twin is [br]that it makes you an expert

0:00:13.555,0:00:16.730
at spotting favoritism.

0:00:16.730,0:00:22.500
If his cookie was even slightly bigger [br]than my cookie, I had questions.

0:00:22.500,0:00:26.920
And clearly, I wasn't starving.

0:00:26.929,0:00:29.235
(Laughter)

0:00:29.235,0:00:34.403
When I became a psychologist, I began to[br]notice a favoritism of different kind,

0:00:34.403,0:00:40.283
and that is how much more we[br]value the body than we do the mind.

0:00:40.283,0:00:46.340
I spent nine years at university earning[br]my Doctorate in Psychology,

0:00:46.340,0:00:50.760
and I can't tell you how many people [br]looked at my business card and said,

0:00:50.868,0:00:55.304
"Oh, a psychologist, so not a real doctor",

0:00:55.304,0:00:59.301
as I it should say that on my card.

0:00:59.301,0:01:03.372
(Laughter)

0:01:03.372,0:01:07.895
This is the favoritism we [br]show the body over the mind.

0:01:07.895,0:01:10.083
I see it everywhere.

0:01:10.083,0:01:12.729
I recently was at a friend's house,

0:01:12.729,0:01:14.559
and a five-year-old was [br]getting ready for bed.

0:01:14.559,0:01:17.982
He was standing on a stool [br]by the sink and brushing his teeth,

0:01:17.982,0:01:21.661
when he slipped, and scratched his leg [br]on the stool when he fell.

0:01:21.661,0:01:24.397
He cried for a minute, but[br]then he got back up,

0:01:24.397,0:01:28.743
got back on the stool and reach out[br]for a box of band-aids

0:01:28.743,0:01:31.573
to put one on his cut.

0:01:31.573,0:01:35.392
Now this kid could barely [br]tie his shoe laces,

0:01:35.392,0:01:39.590
but he knew you have to cover a cut,[br]so it doesn't become infected,

0:01:39.590,0:01:43.425
and you have to care for[br]your teeth by brushing twice a day.

0:01:43.425,0:01:46.369
We all know have to maintain[br]our physical health

0:01:46.369,0:01:49.658
and have to practice [br]dental hygiene, right ?

0:01:49.658,0:01:52.998
We know it since we were five-years-old.

0:01:52.998,0:01:58.056
But what do we know about maintaining[br]our psychological health?

0:01:58.056,0:02:00.178
Well, nothing.

0:02:00.178,0:02:03.568
What do we teach our children[br]about emotional hygiene?

0:02:03.571,0:02:06.967
Nothing.

0:02:06.967,0:02:10.199
How is it? We spend more time[br]taking care of our teeth

0:02:10.199,0:02:14.385
than we do our minds.

0:02:14.385,0:02:17.912
Why is it that our physical health is[br]so much more important to us

0:02:17.912,0:02:21.393
than our psychological health?

0:02:21.393,0:02:24.207
You know we sustain psychological injuries

0:02:24.207,0:02:27.409
even more often than we do physical ones,

0:02:27.409,0:02:31.483
injuries like failure or rejections,[br]or loneliness.

0:02:31.483,0:02:34.055
And they can also get[br]worse if we ignore them,

0:02:34.055,0:02:37.465
and they can impact our lives[br]in dramatic ways.

0:02:37.465,0:02:41.371
And yet, even though there are [br]scientifically proven techniques

0:02:41.371,0:02:46.060
we could use to treat these[br]kinds of psychological injuries .

0:02:46.060,0:02:48.062
We don't.

0:02:48.062,0:02:50.764
It doesn't even occur to us [br]that we should.

0:02:50.764,0:02:55.517
Oh, your feeling depressed,[br]just shake it off, it's all in your head.

0:02:55.517,0:02:58.555
Can you imagine say that to [br]somebody who broken a leg,

0:02:58.555,0:03:01.479
"Just walk it off, it's all in your leg."

0:03:01.479,0:03:03.448
(Laughter)

0:03:03.448,0:03:09.101
It is the time we close the gap between[br]our physical and our psychological health.

0:03:09.101,0:03:12.197
It's time we make them more equal.[br]

0:03:12.197,0:03:15.293
More like twins.

0:03:15.293,0:03:18.389
Speaking of which, my brother [br]is also a psychologist.

0:03:18.389,0:03:21.897
So he's not a real doctor, either.

0:03:21.897,0:03:23.919
(Laughter)

0:03:23.919,0:03:25.704
We didn't study together though.

0:03:25.704,0:03:29.845
In fact, the hardest thing I've [br]ever done in my life

0:03:29.845,0:03:35.165
is move across Atlantic to New York City[br]to get my doctorate in psychology.

0:03:35.165,0:03:39.393
We were apart then, for the [br]first time in our lives,

0:03:39.393,0:03:42.295
and the separation was [br]brutal for both of us.

0:03:42.295,0:03:46.284
But while he remained among[br]family and friends,

0:03:46.284,0:03:48.680
I was alone in a new country.[br]We miss each other terribly .

0:03:48.680,0:03:51.076
We missed each other terribly,

0:03:51.076,0:03:53.473
but international phone calls were[br]really expensive then

0:03:53.473,0:03:57.799
and we could only afford to speak[br]for five minutes a week.

0:03:57.799,0:04:00.403
When our birthday rolled around,

0:04:00.403,0:04:03.140
and it was the first we wouldn't[br]be spending together.

0:04:03.140,0:04:05.161
We decide to splurge, and that week,

0:04:05.161,0:04:08.207
we decided to talk for ten minutes.

0:04:08.207,0:04:10.829
I spend morning passing around[br]my room, waiting for him to call.

0:04:10.829,0:04:17.692
And waiting, and waiting, [br]but the phone didn't ring.

0:04:17.692,0:04:20.167
Given the time difference, I assumed,

0:04:20.167,0:04:22.808
"Ok, he 's out with friends, [br]he will call later."

0:04:22.808,0:04:26.083
There were no cell phones then.[br]

0:04:26.083,0:04:29.358
But he didn't.

0:04:29.358,0:04:32.633
And I began to realize, after [br]being away for over 10 months,

0:04:32.633,0:04:36.173
he no longer missed me [br]the way I missed him.

0:04:36.173,0:04:38.499
I knew he would call in the morning,[br]

0:04:38.499,0:04:44.585
but that night was one of the[br]saddest and longest nights of my life.

0:04:44.585,0:04:46.862
I woke up the next morning.

0:04:46.862,0:04:52.057
I glanced down the phone, and [br]I realized I had kicked it off the hook

0:04:52.067,0:04:54.893
when pacing the day before.

0:04:54.893,0:04:57.506
I stumbled out off bed,

0:04:57.506,0:05:00.223
I put the phone back on the receiver,[br]and it ringed a second later,

0:05:00.223,0:05:03.823
and it was my brother. [br]and boy he was pissed.

0:05:03.856,0:05:05.528
(Laughter)

0:05:05.528,0:05:08.968
It was the saddest and longest [br]night of his life as well.

0:05:08.968,0:05:11.560
Now I tried to explain what[br]happened, but he said,

0:05:11.560,0:05:14.650
"I don't understand, if you saw[br]I wasn't calling you,

0:05:14.718,0:05:19.399
Why didn't you just pick up [br]the phone and call me?"

0:05:19.399,0:05:23.544
He was right. Why didn't I call him?

0:05:23.544,0:05:26.654
I didn't have answer then,[br]but I do today,

0:05:26.707,0:05:31.642
and it's simple one: loneliness[br]

0:05:31.642,0:05:35.926
Loneliness creates a[br]deep psychological wound,

0:05:35.926,0:05:39.883
one that distort our perceptions[br]and scrambles our thinking.

0:05:39.883,0:05:43.915
It makes us believe that those around[br]us care much less than they actually do.

0:05:45.812,0:05:48.352
It make us really afraid to reach out,[br]

0:05:48.352,0:05:51.802
because why set yourself up[br]for rejection and heartache

0:05:51.802,0:05:56.274
when your heart is already aching[br]more than you can stand?

0:05:56.274,0:05:59.538
I was in the grips of real [br]loneliness back then,

0:05:59.538,0:06:04.039
but I was surrounded by people all day,[br]so it never occurred to me.

0:06:04.039,0:06:09.544
But loneliness is defined [br]purely subjectively.

0:06:09.544,0:06:11.539
It depends solely on whether you feel

0:06:11.539,0:06:15.114
emotionally or socially disconnected[br]from those around you.

0:06:15.114,0:06:17.899
And I did.

0:06:17.899,0:06:23.363
There is a lot research on loneliness,[br]and all of it is horrifying.

0:06:23.363,0:06:27.865
Loneliness won't just make you[br]miserable, it will kill you.

0:06:27.865,0:06:29.193
I am not kidding.

0:06:29.193,0:06:32.667
Chronic loneliness increases your [br]likelihood of an early death

0:06:32.667,0:06:36.658
by 14 percent,14 percent.

0:06:36.658,0:06:40.681
Loneliness causes high blood pressure,[br]high cholesterol,

0:06:40.681,0:06:45.207
It even suppress the functioning[br]of your immune system,

0:06:45.207,0:06:49.108
making you vulnerable to all kinds [br]of illnesses and diseases.

0:06:49.108,0:06:53.139
In fact, scientists have concluded [br]that taken together,

0:06:53.139,0:06:55.990
chronic loneliness poses as [br]significant a risk[br]

0:06:55.990,0:07:00.991
for your longterm health and [br]longevity as cigarette smoking.

0:07:00.991,0:07:05.061
Now cigarette packs come with warning[br]saying, "This will kill you."

0:07:05.103,0:07:07.405
But loneliness doesn't.[br]

0:07:07.405,0:07:11.907
And that's why it's so important that[br]we prioritize our psychological health,

0:07:11.907,0:07:15.310
that we practice emotional hygiene .

0:07:15.310,0:07:18.282
Because you can't treat [br]a psychological wound

0:07:18.282,0:07:21.512
if you don't even know you're injured.

0:07:22.153,0:07:26.224
Loneliness isn't the only psychological [br]wound that distorts our perceptions

0:07:26.224,0:07:28.412
and misleads us.

0:07:28.412,0:07:32.128
Failure does that as well.

0:07:32.128,0:07:36.110
I once visited a day care center,[br]where I saw three toddlers

0:07:36.110,0:07:39.384
play with identical plastic toys:

0:07:39.384,0:07:43.904
you had to slide the red button,[br]and a cute doggie would pop out.

0:07:43.905,0:07:49.255
One little girl tried pulling the[br]purple button, then pushing it,

0:07:49.255,0:07:53.427
and then she just sat back and looked [br]at the box, with her lower lip trembling.

0:07:53.427,0:07:56.104
The little boy next to her [br]watched this happen,[br]

0:07:56.104,0:08:02.034
then turned to his box and and burst [br]into tears without even touching it.

0:08:02.034,0:08:06.437
Meanwhile, another little girl tried [br]everything she could think of

0:08:06.437,0:08:09.775
until she slid the little red button

0:08:09.775,0:08:11.832
and the cute doggie popped out,[br]and she squealed with delight.

0:08:11.832,0:08:13.925
So three toddlers with [br]identical plastic toys,

0:08:13.925,0:08:18.227
but very different reactions to failure.

0:08:18.227,0:08:22.278
The first two toddlers were perfectly[br]capable of sliding a red button,

0:08:22.278,0:08:25.590
the only thing that prevented[br]them from succeeding

0:08:25.590,0:08:30.700
was their mind tricked them[br]into believing they could not.

0:08:30.700,0:08:33.970
Now, adults get tricked this way [br]as well, all the time.

0:08:33.970,0:08:40.409
In fact we all have a default set of [br]feelings and beliefs that gets triggered

0:08:40.409,0:08:44.645
whenever we encounter [br]frustrations and setbacks.

0:08:44.645,0:08:46.984
Are you aware how your mind[br]reacts to failure?[br]

0:08:46.984,0:08:48.273
You need to be.

0:08:48.273,0:08:53.074
Because if your mind tries to convince[br]you that you're incapable of something

0:08:53.074,0:08:55.953
and you believe it, then like[br]those two toddlers,

0:08:55.953,0:09:00.551
You'll begin to feel helpless, you [br]will stop try it too soon,

0:09:00.551,0:09:02.699
or you won't even try it at all. [br]then you will be even more convinced

0:09:02.699,0:09:04.457
And then you'll be even more convinced[br]that you can't succeed.

0:09:04.457,0:09:08.585
You see, that's why so many people[br]function below their actual potential.

0:09:08.585,0:09:12.259
Because somewhere along the way, [br]sometimes a single failure

0:09:12.259,0:09:15.889
convinced them they couldn't succeed,[br]and they believed it.

0:09:15.893,0:09:21.966
Once we become to convinced of something,[br]it's very difficult to change our mind.

0:09:21.966,0:09:26.276
I learn that lesson the hard way[br]when I was a teenager with my brother.

0:09:26.291,0:09:29.620
We were driving with friends [br]down a dark road at night,

0:09:29.620,0:09:31.982
when a police car stopped us.[br]

0:09:31.982,0:09:34.344
There had been a robbery in the area[br]and they were looking for suspects.

0:09:34.344,0:09:36.047
The officer approached the car,[br]

0:09:36.047,0:09:39.308
and he shined his flash light on the driver,[br]

0:09:39.308,0:09:41.461
and then on my brother in the front seat,[br]and then on me.

0:09:41.461,0:09:44.774
And his eyes opened wide and he said,

0:09:44.774,0:09:46.977
"Where have I seen your face before?"

0:09:46.977,0:09:50.885
(Laughter)

0:09:50.885,0:09:53.796
And I said, "In the front seat."

0:09:53.796,0:09:56.307
(Laughter)

0:09:56.307,0:09:58.813
But that made no sense[br]to him whatsoever.

0:09:58.813,0:10:01.137
So now he thought I was on drugs.

0:10:01.137,0:10:02.451
(Laughter)

0:10:02.451,0:10:05.225
So he dragged me out of the car,[br]he searches me,

0:10:05.225,0:10:06.800
he marches me over to the police car,

0:10:06.800,0:10:11.695
and only when he verified that I don't [br]have a police record

0:10:11.695,0:10:14.931
could I show him that I had[br]a twin in the front seat.

0:10:14.931,0:10:17.648
But even we were driving away, [br]you could see by the look on his face

0:10:17.648,0:10:20.244
you should see by the by look on his face,[br]that he was was convinced

0:10:20.244,0:10:22.655
that I was getting away with something.

0:10:22.655,0:10:26.669
Our mind is hard to change once[br]we become convinced.

0:10:26.669,0:10:32.741
So it might be very natural to feel[br]demoralized and defeated after you fail.

0:10:32.741,0:10:36.642
But you cannot allow yourself to become [br]convinced that you can't succeed.

0:10:36.642,0:10:40.382
You have to fight feelings of helplessness.[br]

0:10:40.382,0:10:42.393
You have to gain control over the situation.

0:10:42.393,0:10:47.621
And you have to break this kind of [br]negative cycle before it begins.

0:10:48.191,0:10:50.916
Our minds and our feelings,

0:10:50.916,0:10:53.641
they are not the trustworthy friends[br]we thought they were.

0:10:53.641,0:10:56.366
They are more like a really moody friend,

0:10:56.366,0:11:02.266
who can be totally supportive one minute,[br]and really unpleasant the next.

0:11:02.266,0:11:08.313
I once worked with this woman who[br]after 20 years marriage

0:11:08.313,0:11:11.626
and an extremely ugly divorce, was[br]finally ready for her first date.

0:11:11.626,0:11:16.018
She has met this guy online, and[br]he seemed nice and he seemed successful,

0:11:16.018,0:11:19.693
and most importantly, he seemed [br]really into her.

0:11:19.693,0:11:22.664
So she was really excited, and she[br]bought new dress,

0:11:22.664,0:11:26.697
and they met at an upscale[br]New York City bar for a drink.

0:11:26.697,0:11:30.238
Ten minutes into the date, the man[br]stands up and says,

0:11:30.238,0:11:33.428
"I'm not interested." and walks out.

0:11:33.428,0:11:39.512
Rejection is extremely painful.[br]

0:11:39.512,0:11:43.167
The woman was so hurt, she could't move. [br]All she could do is call a friend,

0:11:43.167,0:11:47.709
here's what friend said, [br]"Well, what do you expect?[br]

0:11:47.709,0:11:50.722
you have big hips, you have[br]nothing interesting to say,

0:11:50.722,0:11:55.573
why would a handsome, successful man[br]like that ever go out with a loser like you?"

0:11:56.840,0:12:01.744
Shocking that a friend could be so cruel.

0:12:01.744,0:12:06.607
But it would be much less shocking if I[br]told you it wasn't a friend who said that.

0:12:06.607,0:12:09.612
It's what the woman said to herself.

0:12:09.612,0:12:12.520
And that's something we all do.

0:12:12.520,0:12:15.667
Especially after a rejection, we all start thinking[br]of our faults and all our shortcomings,

0:12:15.667,0:12:18.341
what we wish we were, [br]what we wish we weren't,

0:12:18.341,0:12:21.699
we call ourselves names.

0:12:21.699,0:12:23.809
Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.[br]

0:12:23.839,0:12:28.419
And it's interesting we do, because[br]our self esteem is already hurting.

0:12:28.480,0:12:32.380
Why would we want to go [br]and damage it even further?

0:12:32.380,0:12:35.741
We wouldn't make a physical injury [br]worse on purpose.

0:12:35.741,0:12:39.590
You wouldn't get cut on your arm [br]and decide, "Oh, I know!

0:12:39.590,0:12:41.409
I am going to take a knife and see[br]how much deeper I can make it."

0:12:41.409,0:12:44.943
But we do that with psychological[br]injuries all the time.

0:12:44.943,0:12:47.665
Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.[br]Because we don't priotize our

0:12:47.665,0:12:50.387
Because we don't prioritize our[br]psychological health.

0:12:50.387,0:12:53.110
We know from dozens of studies[br]that when your self-esteem is lower,

0:12:53.110,0:12:56.053
you are more vulnerable to [br]stress and to anxiety.

0:12:56.056,0:12:59.236
That failures and rejections hurt more

0:12:59.236,0:13:04.266
and it takes longer to recover from them.

0:13:04.266,0:13:08.265
So when you get rejected, the first[br]thing you should be doing

0:13:08.265,0:13:12.554
is to revive your self-esteem, not join fight[br]fight-club and beat it into a pulp.

0:13:12.554,0:13:17.054
When you're in emotional pain,

0:13:17.059,0:13:21.572
treat yourself with same compassion you[br]would expect from a truly good friend .

0:13:23.122,0:13:28.042
We have to catch our unhealthy [br]psychological habits and change them.

0:13:28.128,0:13:33.108
One of unhealthiest and most common[br]is called rumination.

0:13:33.108,0:13:36.149
To ruminate means to chew over.[br]It's when your boss's yells at you,

0:13:36.149,0:13:39.190
It's when your boss yells at you, or your [br]professor makes you feel stupid in class,

0:13:39.190,0:13:42.231
you have big fight with your friend

0:13:42.231,0:13:47.321
and you just can't stop replaying the [br]scene in your head for days,

0:13:47.438,0:13:51.757
sometimes for weeks on end.

0:13:51.757,0:13:53.785
Now ruminating about upsetting events[br]in this way can easily become a habit,

0:13:53.785,0:13:55.733
and it's a very costly one.

0:13:55.733,0:14:00.242
Because by spending so much time focused[br]on upsetting and negative thoughts,

0:14:00.242,0:14:04.552
you are actually putting yourself[br]at significant risk for developing

0:14:04.580,0:14:08.689
clinical depression, alcoholism, eating [br]disorders and even cardiac vesicular disease.

0:14:08.689,0:14:14.239
The problem is the urge to ruminate can[br]feel really strong and really important,

0:14:14.239,0:14:18.429
so it's a difficult habit to stop.

0:14:18.429,0:14:22.841
I know this for a fact, because[br]little over a year ago,

0:14:22.841,0:14:25.060
I developed the habit myself.

0:14:25.060,0:14:28.369
You see my twin brother was diagnosed with[br]stage III [br]

0:14:28.369,0:14:30.820
with stage III Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

0:14:30.820,0:14:33.983
His cancer was extremly aggressive ,

0:14:33.983,0:14:36.904
he had invisible tumors all over his body.

0:14:36.904,0:14:41.835
And he had to start a harsh douse[br]of chemotherapy.

0:14:41.835,0:14:45.357
And I couldn't stop thinking about [br]what he was going through,

0:14:45.364,0:14:50.054
I could't stop thinking how[br]much he was suffering,

0:14:50.222,0:14:54.332
even though he never complained, not once.

0:14:54.332,0:14:58.920
He had this incredibly positive attitude.[br]

0:14:58.920,0:15:01.529
His psychological health was amazing.[br]I was physically healthy,

0:15:01.529,0:15:04.138
I was physically healthy, [br]but psychologically, I was a mess.

0:15:04.138,0:15:06.748
But I knew what to do.

0:15:06.748,0:15:11.758
Studies tell us that even a two minutes[br]distraction is sufficient

0:15:11.920,0:15:15.330
to break the urge to ruminate[br]in that moment.[br]

0:15:15.388,0:15:18.545
So each time I had worrying, upsetting[br]negative thought,

0:15:18.545,0:15:22.257
I forced myself to concentrate on[br]something else until the urge passed.

0:15:22.257,0:15:25.833
And within one week, my whole[br]outlook changed

0:15:25.833,0:15:30.703
and became more positive [br]and more hopeful.

0:15:31.719,0:15:36.649
Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,[br]my brother had a Cat scan.

0:15:36.744,0:15:39.880
I was by his side when he got the results.[br]

0:15:39.880,0:15:42.497
All the tumors were gone.

0:15:42.497,0:15:45.114
He still had three more rounds [br]of chemotherapy to go,

0:15:45.114,0:15:47.731
but we knew he would recover.

0:15:47.731,0:15:52.489
This picture was taken two weeks ago.

0:15:54.019,0:15:56.847
By taking action when you're lonely,

0:15:56.847,0:16:00.225
by changing your responses to failure,

0:16:00.225,0:16:03.157
by protecting your self-esteem,

0:16:03.157,0:16:05.649
by battling negative thinking,

0:16:05.649,0:16:08.957
You won't just heal your[br]psychological wounds,[br]

0:16:08.957,0:16:11.569
you will bulid your emotional resilience,[br]

0:16:11.569,0:16:12.871
you will thrive.

0:16:12.871,0:16:16.794
You know 100-years-ago, people started[br]practicing personal hygiene,

0:16:16.794,0:16:22.759
and life expectancy rates rose [br]by over 50 percent

0:16:22.759,0:16:26.677
just a matter of decades. I believe[br]our quality of life

0:16:26.677,0:16:29.292
I believe out quality of life[br]could rise just as dramatically

0:16:29.292,0:16:32.089
if we all begin practicing [br]emotional Hygiene.

0:16:32.089,0:16:34.732
Can you imagine what the world would be like

0:16:34.732,0:16:37.088
if everyone was psychologically healthier?[br]

0:16:37.088,0:16:40.823
If there was less loneliness [br]and less depression?[br]

0:16:40.823,0:16:45.534
If people knew how to overcome failure?[br]

0:16:45.534,0:16:48.254
If they felt better about themselves[br]and more empowered?

0:16:48.254,0:16:51.940
if they were happier and more fulfilled?[br]I can, because

0:16:51.940,0:16:54.553
I can, because that's the world I want live in,[br]and that's the world

0:16:54.553,0:16:58.419
and that's the world my brother[br]wants to live in, as well.[br]

0:16:58.419,0:17:06.540
And if you just become informed[br]and change a few simple habits,

0:17:06.540,0:17:07.811
well, that's the world we can all live in.

0:17:07.811,0:17:11.251
Thank you very much.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
(Applause)