0:00:03.141,0:00:05.676
I grew up with my identical twin,

0:00:06.461,0:00:08.925
who was an incredibly loving brother.

0:00:09.477,0:00:12.549
Now, one thing about being a twin is,

0:00:12.573,0:00:16.161
it makes you an expert[br]at spotting favoritism.

0:00:16.642,0:00:20.809
If his cookie was even[br]slightly bigger than my cookie,

0:00:21.723,0:00:23.075
I had questions.

0:00:23.099,0:00:25.517
And clearly, I wasn't starving.

0:00:26.300,0:00:28.302
(Laughter)

0:00:28.873,0:00:32.996
When I became a psychologist,[br]I began to notice favoritism

0:00:33.020,0:00:34.734
of a different kind;

0:00:34.758,0:00:39.542
and that is, how much more we value[br]the body than we do the mind.

0:00:40.187,0:00:46.221
I spent nine years at university[br]earning my doctorate in psychology,

0:00:46.245,0:00:50.499
and I can't tell you how many people[br]look at my business card and say,

0:00:50.523,0:00:54.843
"Oh -- a psychologist.[br]So, not a real doctor,"

0:00:56.209,0:00:58.007
as if it should say that on my card.

0:00:58.031,0:01:00.816
[Dr. Guy Winch, Just a Psychologist[br](Not a Real Doctor)]

0:01:00.840,0:01:02.442
(Laughter)

0:01:02.952,0:01:07.336
This favoritism we show the body[br]over the mind --

0:01:07.360,0:01:08.799
I see it everywhere.

0:01:09.718,0:01:11.385
I recently was at a friend's house,

0:01:11.409,0:01:13.931
and their five-year-old[br]was getting ready for bed.

0:01:13.955,0:01:17.560
He was standing on a stool[br]by the sink, brushing his teeth,

0:01:17.584,0:01:21.392
when he slipped and scratched his leg[br]on the stool when he fell.

0:01:21.996,0:01:24.968
He cried for a minute,[br]but then he got back up,

0:01:24.992,0:01:28.506
got back on the stool, and reached out[br]for a box of Band-Aids

0:01:28.530,0:01:30.294
to put one on his cut.

0:01:31.050,0:01:34.987
Now, this kid could barely[br]tie his shoelaces,

0:01:35.011,0:01:39.438
but he knew you have to cover a cut[br]so it doesn't become infected,

0:01:39.462,0:01:42.798
and you have to care for your teeth[br]by brushing twice a day.

0:01:43.425,0:01:46.345
We all know how to maintain[br]our physical health

0:01:46.369,0:01:48.884
and how to practice dental hygiene, right?

0:01:48.908,0:01:51.697
We've known it since[br]we were five years old.

0:01:52.442,0:01:57.066
But what do we know about maintaining[br]our psychological health?

0:01:58.070,0:01:59.248
Well, nothing.

0:01:59.778,0:02:03.568
What do we teach our children[br]about emotional hygiene?

0:02:04.740,0:02:05.945
Nothing.

0:02:06.767,0:02:11.215
How is it that we spend more time[br]taking care of our teeth

0:02:11.595,0:02:13.379
than we do our minds?

0:02:14.202,0:02:19.012
Why is it that our physical health[br]is so much more important to us

0:02:19.036,0:02:20.705
than our psychological health?

0:02:21.393,0:02:26.783
We sustain psychological injuries[br]even more often than we do physical ones,

0:02:26.807,0:02:31.013
injuries like failure[br]or rejection or loneliness.

0:02:31.037,0:02:33.808
And they can also get worse[br]if we ignore them,

0:02:33.832,0:02:36.722
and they can impact our lives[br]in dramatic ways.

0:02:37.285,0:02:41.465
And yet, even though there are[br]scientifically proven techniques

0:02:41.489,0:02:45.382
we could use to treat these[br]kinds of psychological injuries,

0:02:45.803,0:02:46.962
we don't.

0:02:47.374,0:02:49.915
It doesn't even occur to us[br]that we should.

0:02:50.434,0:02:54.491
"Oh, you're feeling depressed?[br]Just shake it off; it's all in your head."

0:02:55.190,0:02:58.067
Can you imagine saying that[br]to somebody with a broken leg:

0:02:58.091,0:03:00.677
"Oh, just walk it off;[br]it's all in your leg."

0:03:00.907,0:03:02.852
(Laughter)

0:03:03.249,0:03:06.107
It is time we closed the gap

0:03:06.131,0:03:09.219
between our physical[br]and our psychological health.

0:03:09.243,0:03:11.362
It's time we made them more equal,

0:03:12.385,0:03:14.203
more like twins.

0:03:15.148,0:03:18.921
Speaking of which,[br]my brother is also a psychologist.

0:03:18.945,0:03:21.376
So he's not a real doctor, either.

0:03:21.400,0:03:23.128
(Laughter)

0:03:23.708,0:03:25.680
We didn't study together, though.

0:03:25.704,0:03:30.095
In fact, the hardest thing[br]I've ever done in my life

0:03:30.119,0:03:32.865
is move across the Atlantic[br]to New York City

0:03:32.889,0:03:34.776
to get my doctorate in psychology.

0:03:35.698,0:03:38.661
We were apart then[br]for the first time in our lives,

0:03:38.685,0:03:41.970
and the separation was brutal[br]for both of us.

0:03:42.295,0:03:45.542
But while he remained[br]among family and friends,

0:03:45.566,0:03:47.623
I was alone in a new country.

0:03:48.251,0:03:49.971
We missed each other terribly,

0:03:49.995,0:03:53.148
but international phone calls[br]were really expensive then,

0:03:53.172,0:03:57.601
and we could only afford to speak[br]for five minutes a week.

0:03:58.459,0:03:59.985
When our birthday rolled around,

0:04:00.009,0:04:02.561
it was the first[br]we wouldn't be spending together.

0:04:02.585,0:04:03.914
We decided to splurge,

0:04:03.938,0:04:06.104
and that week,[br]we would talk for 10 minutes.

0:04:06.128,0:04:07.421
(Laughter)

0:04:07.445,0:04:11.509
I spent the morning pacing around my room,[br]waiting for him to call --

0:04:12.154,0:04:13.311
and waiting ...

0:04:14.103,0:04:15.280
and waiting.

0:04:15.817,0:04:17.248
But the phone didn't ring.

0:04:18.125,0:04:20.143
Given the time difference, I assumed,

0:04:20.167,0:04:22.465
"OK, he's out with friends,[br]he'll call later."

0:04:22.489,0:04:23.997
There were no cell phones then.

0:04:24.805,0:04:26.108
But he didn't.

0:04:27.171,0:04:31.675
And I began to realize[br]that after being away for over 10 months,

0:04:32.253,0:04:35.088
he no longer missed me[br]the way I missed him.

0:04:36.028,0:04:38.531
I knew he would call in the morning,

0:04:38.555,0:04:43.070
but that night was one of the saddest[br]and longest nights of my life.

0:04:44.717,0:04:46.586
I woke up the next morning.

0:04:46.688,0:04:48.335
I glanced down at the phone,

0:04:48.359,0:04:51.113
and I realized[br]I had kicked it off the hook

0:04:51.137,0:04:52.814
when pacing the day before.

0:04:54.612,0:04:56.263
I stumbled out of bed,

0:04:56.287,0:04:59.500
I put the phone back on the receiver,[br]and it rang a second later.

0:04:59.764,0:05:01.424
And it was my brother,

0:05:01.448,0:05:03.116
and boy, was he pissed.

0:05:03.140,0:05:05.344
(Laughter)

0:05:05.368,0:05:08.618
It was the saddest and longest[br]night of his life as well.

0:05:09.126,0:05:11.537
Now, I tried to explain[br]what happened, but he said,

0:05:11.561,0:05:12.780
"I don't understand.

0:05:12.804,0:05:14.719
If you saw I wasn't calling you,

0:05:14.743,0:05:17.559
why didn't you just pick up[br]the phone and call me?"

0:05:19.057,0:05:20.237
He was right.

0:05:20.841,0:05:22.354
Why didn't I call him?

0:05:23.187,0:05:24.861
I didn't have an answer then.

0:05:25.608,0:05:27.059
But I do today,

0:05:27.083,0:05:28.404
and it's a simple one:

0:05:29.688,0:05:30.861
loneliness.

0:05:31.948,0:05:35.997
Loneliness creates a deep[br]psychological wound,

0:05:36.021,0:05:39.721
one that distorts our perceptions[br]and scrambles our thinking.

0:05:40.228,0:05:45.498
It makes us believe that those around us[br]care much less than they actually do.

0:05:46.034,0:05:48.328
It make us really afraid to reach out,

0:05:48.352,0:05:52.442
because why set yourself up[br]for rejection and heartache

0:05:52.466,0:05:55.519
when your heart is already aching[br]more than you can stand?

0:05:56.432,0:05:59.515
I was in the grips[br]of real loneliness back then,

0:05:59.539,0:06:03.408
but I was surrounded by people all day,[br]so it never occurred to me.

0:06:04.273,0:06:07.892
But loneliness is defined[br]purely subjectively.

0:06:08.415,0:06:14.179
It depends solely on whether you feel[br]emotionally or socially disconnected

0:06:14.203,0:06:15.361
from those around you.

0:06:15.385,0:06:16.542
And I did.

0:06:17.249,0:06:22.515
There is a lot of research on loneliness,[br]and all of it is horrifying.

0:06:23.499,0:06:25.599
Loneliness won't just make you miserable;

0:06:26.307,0:06:27.457
it will kill you.

0:06:27.790,0:06:28.960
I'm not kidding.

0:06:28.984,0:06:32.575
Chronic loneliness increases[br]your likelihood of an early death

0:06:32.599,0:06:34.495
by 14 percent.

0:06:34.902,0:06:36.267
Fourteen percent!

0:06:36.780,0:06:39.595
Loneliness causes high blood pressure,

0:06:39.619,0:06:40.784
high cholesterol.

0:06:40.808,0:06:44.533
It even suppress the functioning[br]of your immune system,

0:06:44.557,0:06:48.589
making you vulnerable to all kinds[br]of illnesses and diseases.

0:06:48.613,0:06:52.151
In fact, scientists have concluded[br]that taken together,

0:06:52.175,0:06:55.831
chronic loneliness[br]poses as significant a risk

0:06:55.855,0:06:58.624
for your long-term health and longevity

0:06:58.648,0:06:59.996
as cigarette smoking.

0:07:00.464,0:07:04.571
Now, cigarette packs come with warnings[br]saying, "This could kill you."

0:07:05.033,0:07:06.777
But loneliness doesn't.

0:07:07.405,0:07:09.260
And that's why it's so important

0:07:09.284,0:07:12.347
that we prioritize[br]our psychological health,

0:07:12.371,0:07:15.073
that we practice emotional hygiene.

0:07:15.525,0:07:18.358
Because you can't treat[br]a psychological wound

0:07:18.382,0:07:20.401
if you don't even know you're injured.

0:07:22.076,0:07:24.920
Loneliness isn't the only[br]psychological wound

0:07:24.944,0:07:27.833
that distorts our perceptions[br]and misleads us.

0:07:28.540,0:07:30.803
Failure does that as well.

0:07:31.818,0:07:34.081
I once visited a day care center,

0:07:34.105,0:07:38.592
where I saw three toddlers[br]play with identical plastic toys.

0:07:39.140,0:07:43.179
You had to slide the red button,[br]and a cute doggie would pop out.

0:07:43.817,0:07:48.388
One little girl tried pulling[br]the purple button, then pushing it,

0:07:48.412,0:07:51.206
and then she just sat back[br]and looked at the box

0:07:51.230,0:07:53.005
with her lower lip trembling.

0:07:53.029,0:07:56.080
The little boy next to her[br]watched this happen,

0:07:56.104,0:07:59.939
then turned to his box and burst[br]into tears without even touching it.

0:08:01.141,0:08:04.583
Meanwhile, another little girl[br]tried everything she could think of

0:08:04.607,0:08:06.391
until she slid the red button,

0:08:06.415,0:08:09.893
the cute doggie popped out,[br]and she squealed with delight.

0:08:10.421,0:08:14.209
So: three toddlers[br]with identical plastic toys,

0:08:14.233,0:08:17.344
but with very different[br]reactions to failure.

0:08:17.893,0:08:21.788
The first two toddlers were perfectly[br]capable of sliding a red button.

0:08:22.455,0:08:25.566
The only thing that prevented[br]them from succeeding

0:08:25.590,0:08:29.265
was that their mind tricked them[br]into believing they could not.

0:08:29.920,0:08:33.624
Now, adults get tricked this way[br]as well, all the time.

0:08:34.028,0:08:39.181
In fact, we all have a default set[br]of feelings and beliefs

0:08:39.205,0:08:43.300
that gets triggered whenever[br]we encounter frustrations and setbacks.

0:08:43.324,0:08:46.180
Are you aware of how[br]your mind reacts to failure?

0:08:46.783,0:08:48.009
You need to be.

0:08:48.033,0:08:52.406
Because if your mind tries to convince you[br]you're incapable of something,

0:08:52.430,0:08:53.939
and you believe it,

0:08:53.963,0:08:57.237
then like those two toddlers,[br]you'll begin to feel helpless

0:08:57.261,0:09:00.520
and you'll stop trying too soon,[br]or you won't even try at all.

0:09:00.859,0:09:03.943
And then you'll be even more[br]convinced you can't succeed.

0:09:03.967,0:09:08.561
You see, that's why so many people[br]function below their actual potential.

0:09:08.951,0:09:12.235
Because somewhere along the way,[br]sometimes a single failure

0:09:12.259,0:09:15.687
convinced them that they couldn't[br]succeed, and they believed it.

0:09:16.900,0:09:21.160
Once we become convinced of something,[br]it's very difficult to change our mind.

0:09:21.831,0:09:25.674
I learned that lesson the hard way[br]when I was a teenager with my brother.

0:09:26.031,0:09:29.366
We were driving with friends[br]down a dark road at night,

0:09:29.390,0:09:31.070
when a police car stopped us.

0:09:31.094,0:09:34.657
There had been a robbery in the area[br]and they were looking for suspects.

0:09:34.681,0:09:38.425
The officer approached the car,[br]and shined his flashlight on the driver,

0:09:38.839,0:09:40.847
then on my brother in the front seat,

0:09:41.285,0:09:42.451
and then on me.

0:09:42.475,0:09:44.859
And his eyes opened wide and he said,

0:09:45.283,0:09:47.124
"Where have I seen your face before?"

0:09:47.148,0:09:49.761
(Laughter)

0:09:50.075,0:09:51.226
And I said,

0:09:51.683,0:09:53.358
"In the front seat."

0:09:53.382,0:09:55.869
(Laughter)

0:09:56.405,0:09:58.525
But that made no sense to him whatsoever,

0:09:58.549,0:10:00.488
so now he thought I was on drugs.

0:10:00.512,0:10:02.072
(Laughter)

0:10:02.096,0:10:04.667
So he drags me out of the car,[br]he searches me,

0:10:04.691,0:10:06.518
he marches me over to the police car,

0:10:06.542,0:10:10.042
and only when he verified[br]I didn't have a police record,

0:10:10.066,0:10:13.576
could I show him[br]I had a twin in the front seat.

0:10:14.417,0:10:16.189
But even as we were driving away,

0:10:16.213,0:10:19.201
you could see by the look[br]on his face he was convinced

0:10:19.225,0:10:21.269
that I was getting away with something.

0:10:21.293,0:10:22.955
(Laughter)

0:10:23.293,0:10:26.645
Our mind is hard to change[br]once we become convinced.

0:10:26.669,0:10:30.109
So it might be very natural[br]to feel demoralized

0:10:30.133,0:10:31.820
and defeated after you fail.

0:10:31.844,0:10:36.218
But you cannot allow yourself[br]to become convinced you can't succeed.

0:10:36.242,0:10:39.090
You have to fight[br]feelings of helplessness.

0:10:39.114,0:10:42.369
You have to gain control[br]over the situation.

0:10:42.393,0:10:44.985
And you have to break[br]this kind of negative cycle

0:10:45.009,0:10:46.228
before it begins.

0:10:46.252,0:10:48.167
[Stop Emotional Bleeding]

0:10:48.191,0:10:50.602
Our minds and our feelings --

0:10:50.626,0:10:53.967
they're not the trustworthy friends[br]we thought they were.

0:10:53.991,0:10:56.833
They're more like a really moody friend,

0:10:56.857,0:11:01.540
who can be totally supportive one minute,[br]and really unpleasant the next.

0:11:02.175,0:11:05.858
I once worked with this woman[br]who, after 20 years marriage

0:11:05.882,0:11:08.287
and an extremely ugly divorce,

0:11:08.311,0:11:10.548
was finally ready for her first date.

0:11:10.572,0:11:12.595
She had met this guy online,

0:11:12.619,0:11:15.049
and he seemed nice[br]and he seemed successful,

0:11:15.073,0:11:18.605
and most importantly,[br]he seemed really into her.

0:11:18.629,0:11:21.387
So she was very excited,[br]she bought a new dress,

0:11:21.411,0:11:25.002
and they met at an upscale[br]New York City bar for a drink.

0:11:25.667,0:11:29.447
Ten minutes into the date,[br]the man stands up and says,

0:11:29.471,0:11:31.330
"I'm not interested," and walks out.

0:11:33.798,0:11:36.913
Rejection is extremely painful.

0:11:37.500,0:11:39.646
The woman was so hurt she couldn't move.

0:11:40.037,0:11:41.801
All she could do was call a friend.

0:11:42.198,0:11:46.388
Here's what the friend said:[br]"Well, what do you expect?

0:11:46.816,0:11:50.088
You have big hips,[br]you have nothing interesting to say.

0:11:50.493,0:11:53.027
Why would a handsome,[br]successful man like that

0:11:53.051,0:11:55.259
ever go out with a loser like you?"

0:11:57.092,0:12:00.103
Shocking, right, that a friend[br]could be so cruel?

0:12:00.531,0:12:03.133
But it would be much less shocking

0:12:03.157,0:12:05.623
if I told you it wasn't[br]the friend who said that.

0:12:05.957,0:12:07.976
It's what the woman said to herself.

0:12:08.893,0:12:10.714
And that's something we all do,

0:12:11.334,0:12:13.227
especially after a rejection.

0:12:13.251,0:12:16.696
We all start thinking of all our faults[br]and all our shortcomings,

0:12:16.720,0:12:18.886
what we wish we were,[br]what we wish we weren't.

0:12:18.910,0:12:20.265
We call ourselves names.

0:12:20.289,0:12:22.775
Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.

0:12:23.274,0:12:24.896
And it's interesting that we do,

0:12:24.920,0:12:27.783
because our self-esteem[br]is already hurting.

0:12:28.189,0:12:30.761
Why would we want to go[br]and damage it even further?

0:12:31.236,0:12:33.858
We wouldn't make a physical injury[br]worse on purpose.

0:12:33.882,0:12:36.784
You wouldn't get a cut on your arm[br]and decide, "Oh! I know --

0:12:36.808,0:12:40.344
I'm going to take a knife and see[br]how much deeper I can make it."

0:12:40.368,0:12:43.949
But we do that with psychological[br]injuries all the time.

0:12:43.973,0:12:47.068
Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.

0:12:47.442,0:12:50.140
Because we don't prioritize[br]our psychological health.

0:12:50.862,0:12:54.422
We know from dozens of studies[br]that when your self-esteem is lower,

0:12:54.446,0:12:57.907
you are more vulnerable[br]to stress and to anxiety;

0:12:57.931,0:13:00.605
that failures and rejections hurt more,

0:13:00.629,0:13:02.912
and it takes longer to recover from them.

0:13:03.507,0:13:06.759
So when you get rejected,[br]the first thing you should be doing

0:13:06.783,0:13:08.844
is to revive your self-esteem,

0:13:08.868,0:13:11.827
not join Fight Club[br]and beat it into a pulp.

0:13:13.180,0:13:14.936
When you're in emotional pain,

0:13:15.459,0:13:18.497
treat yourself with the same compassion

0:13:18.521,0:13:21.154
you would expect from a truly good friend.

0:13:21.361,0:13:23.249
[Protect Your Self-Esteem]

0:13:23.273,0:13:27.574
We have to catch our unhealthy[br]psychological habits and change them.

0:13:27.598,0:13:31.816
And one of unhealthiest and most common[br]is called rumination.

0:13:32.228,0:13:34.728
To ruminate means to chew over.

0:13:34.752,0:13:36.941
It's when your boss yells at you

0:13:36.965,0:13:39.586
or your professor[br]makes you feel stupid in class,

0:13:39.610,0:13:41.859
or you have big fight with a friend

0:13:41.883,0:13:45.944
and you just can't stop replaying[br]the scene in your head for days,

0:13:45.968,0:13:48.357
sometimes for weeks on end.

0:13:48.494,0:13:53.493
Now, ruminating about upsetting events[br]in this way can easily become a habit,

0:13:53.517,0:13:54.966
and it's a very costly one,

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because by spending so much time focused[br]on upsetting and negative thoughts,

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you are actually putting yourself[br]at significant risk

0:14:03.148,0:14:04.885
for developing clinical depression,

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alcoholism,

0:14:06.660,0:14:07.822
eating disorders,

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and even cardiovascular disease.

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The problem is,

0:14:11.898,0:14:15.839
the urge to ruminate can feel[br]really strong and really important,

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so it's a difficult habit to stop.

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I know this for a fact,

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because a little over a year ago,[br]I developed the habit myself.

0:14:24.540,0:14:30.101
You see, my twin brother was diagnosed[br]with stage 3 non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

0:14:30.965,0:14:33.109
His cancer was extremely aggressive.

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He had visible tumors all over his body.

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And he had to start a harsh course[br]of chemotherapy.

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And I couldn't stop thinking[br]about what he was going through.

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I couldn't stop thinking[br]about how much he was suffering,

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even though he never complained, not once.

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He had this incredibly positive attitude.

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His psychological health was amazing.

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I was physically healthy,[br]but psychologically, I was a mess.

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But I knew what to do.

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Studies tell us that even a two-minute[br]distraction is sufficient

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to break the urge to ruminate[br]in that moment.

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And so each time I had a worrying,[br]upsetting, negative thought,

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I forced myself to concentrate[br]on something else until the urge passed.

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And within one week,[br]my whole outlook changed

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and became more positive and more hopeful.

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[Battle Negative Thinking]

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Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,[br]my brother had a CAT scan,

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and I was by his side[br]when he got the results.

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All the tumors were gone.

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He still had three more rounds[br]of chemotherapy to go,

0:15:45.295,0:15:46.875
but we knew he would recover.

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This picture was taken two weeks ago.

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By taking action when you're lonely,

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by changing your responses to failure,

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by protecting your self-esteem,

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by battling negative thinking,

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you won't just heal[br]your psychological wounds,

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you will build emotional resilience,

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you will thrive.

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A hundred years ago, people began[br]practicing personal hygiene,

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and life expectancy rates[br]rose by over 50 percent

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in just a matter of decades.

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I believe our quality of life[br]could rise just as dramatically

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if we all began practicing[br]emotional hygiene.

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Can you imagine[br]what the world would be like

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if everyone was psychologically healthier?

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If there were less loneliness[br]and less depression?

0:16:40.240,0:16:42.807
If people knew how to overcome failure?

0:16:43.224,0:16:46.489
If they felt better about themselves[br]and more empowered?

0:16:46.513,0:16:48.914
If they were happier and more fulfilled?

0:16:49.760,0:16:53.037
I can, because that's the world[br]I want to live in.

0:16:54.021,0:16:57.707
And that's the world[br]my brother wants to live in as well.

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And if you just become informed[br]and change a few simple habits, well --

0:17:04.001,0:17:06.358
that's the world we can all live in.

0:17:07.373,0:17:08.539
Thank you very much.

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(Applause)