0:00:03.034,0:00:06.541
I grew up with my identical twin,[br]

0:00:06.541,0:00:09.708
who was an incredibly loving brother.

0:00:09.708,0:00:14.115
Now, one thing about being a twin [br]is that it makes you an expert

0:00:14.115,0:00:16.730
at spotting favoritism.

0:00:16.730,0:00:22.500
If his cookie was even slightly bigger [br]than my cookie, I had questions.

0:00:22.500,0:00:26.920
And clearly, I wasn't starving.

0:00:26.929,0:00:28.955
(Laughter)

0:00:28.955,0:00:34.403
When I became a psychologist, I began to[br]notice favoritism of a different kind,

0:00:34.403,0:00:40.283
and that is how much more we[br]value the body than we do the mind.

0:00:40.283,0:00:46.340
I spent nine years at university earning[br]my doctorate in psychology,

0:00:46.340,0:00:50.760
and I can't tell you how many people [br]look at my business card and say,

0:00:50.768,0:00:55.304
"Oh, a psychologist. [br]So not a real doctor,"

0:00:55.304,0:00:58.781
as if it should say that on my card.

0:00:58.781,0:01:03.372
(Laughter)

0:01:03.372,0:01:08.935
This favoritism we show the body [br]over the mind, I see it everywhere.

0:01:09.535,0:01:11.409
I recently was at a friend's house,

0:01:11.409,0:01:14.209
and their five-year-old[br]was getting ready for bed.

0:01:14.209,0:01:17.982
He was standing on a stool [br]by the sink brushing his teeth,

0:01:17.982,0:01:21.661
when he slipped, and scratched his leg [br]on the stool when he fell.

0:01:21.661,0:01:24.397
He cried for a minute, [br]but then he got back up,

0:01:24.397,0:01:31.543
got back on the stool, and reached out for[br]a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.

0:01:31.543,0:01:35.392
Now, this kid could barely [br]tie his shoelaces,

0:01:35.392,0:01:39.590
but he knew you have to cover a cut,[br]so it doesn't become infected,

0:01:39.590,0:01:43.425
and you have to care for[br]your teeth by brushing twice a day.

0:01:43.425,0:01:46.369
We all know how to maintain[br]our physical health

0:01:46.369,0:01:48.908
and how to practice dental hygiene, right?

0:01:48.908,0:01:52.998
We've known it since[br]we were five years old.

0:01:52.998,0:01:57.646
But what do we know about maintaining[br]our psychological health?

0:01:57.646,0:01:59.778
Well, nothing.

0:01:59.778,0:02:03.568
What do we teach our children[br]about emotional hygiene?

0:02:04.621,0:02:06.257
Nothing.

0:02:06.767,0:02:11.239
How is it that we spend more time[br]taking care of our teeth

0:02:11.239,0:02:14.385
than we do our minds.

0:02:14.385,0:02:18.682
Why is it that our physical health is[br]so much more important to us

0:02:18.682,0:02:21.393
than our psychological health?

0:02:21.393,0:02:26.719
We sustain psychological injuries[br]even more often than we do physical ones,

0:02:26.719,0:02:31.483
injuries like failure[br]or rejection or loneliness.

0:02:31.483,0:02:34.055
And they can also get[br]worse if we ignore them,

0:02:34.055,0:02:37.285
and they can impact our lives[br]in dramatic ways.

0:02:37.285,0:02:41.371
And yet, even though there are [br]scientifically proven techniques

0:02:41.371,0:02:45.740
we could use to treat these[br]kinds of psychological injuries,

0:02:45.740,0:02:47.132
we don't.

0:02:47.132,0:02:50.434
It doesn't even occur to us [br]that we should.

0:02:50.434,0:02:54.947
"Oh, you're feeling depressed?[br]Just shake it off; it's all in your head."

0:02:54.947,0:02:58.215
Can you imagine saying that[br]to somebody with a broken leg:

0:02:58.215,0:03:01.479
"Oh, just walk it off;[br]it's all in your leg."

0:03:01.479,0:03:03.448
(Laughter)

0:03:03.448,0:03:09.101
It is time we closed the gap between[br]our physical and our psychological health.

0:03:09.101,0:03:12.197
It's time we made them more equal, [br]

0:03:12.197,0:03:15.063
more like twins.

0:03:15.063,0:03:18.709
Speaking of which, [br]my brother is also a psychologist.

0:03:18.709,0:03:21.897
So he's not a real doctor, either.

0:03:21.897,0:03:23.649
(Laughter)

0:03:23.649,0:03:25.704
We didn't study together, though.

0:03:25.704,0:03:29.845
In fact, the hardest thing [br]I've ever done in my life

0:03:29.845,0:03:32.831
is move across the Atlantic [br]to New York City

0:03:32.831,0:03:35.817
to get my doctorate in psychology.

0:03:35.817,0:03:38.803
We were apart then[br]for the first time in our lives,

0:03:38.803,0:03:42.295
and the separation was [br]brutal for both of us.

0:03:42.295,0:03:45.464
But while he remained among[br]family and friends,

0:03:45.464,0:03:48.680
I was alone in a new country.[br]

0:03:48.680,0:03:50.146
We missed each other terribly,

0:03:50.146,0:03:53.473
but international phone calls were[br]really expensive then

0:03:53.473,0:03:57.799
and we could only afford to speak[br]for five minutes a week.

0:03:57.799,0:04:00.403
When our birthday rolled around,

0:04:00.403,0:04:02.840
it was the first we wouldn't[br]be spending together.

0:04:02.840,0:04:07.291
We decide to splurge, and that week[br]we would talk for 10 minutes.

0:04:07.291,0:04:11.209
I spent the morning pacing around my room,[br]waiting for him to call --

0:04:11.209,0:04:17.692
and waiting and waiting, [br]but the phone didn't ring.

0:04:17.692,0:04:20.167
Given the time difference, I assumed,

0:04:20.167,0:04:22.808
"Ok, he's out with friends, [br]he will call later."

0:04:22.808,0:04:24.853
There were no cell phones then.[br]

0:04:24.853,0:04:27.038
But he didn't.

0:04:27.038,0:04:32.023
And I began to realize that after [br]being away for over 10 months,

0:04:32.023,0:04:35.833
he no longer missed me [br]the way I missed him.

0:04:35.833,0:04:37.709
I knew he would call in the morning,[br]

0:04:37.709,0:04:44.585
but that night was one of the[br]saddest and longest nights of my life.

0:04:44.585,0:04:46.862
I woke up the next morning.

0:04:46.862,0:04:51.137
I glanced down at the phone, and [br]I realized I had kicked it off the hook

0:04:51.137,0:04:54.613
when pacing the day before.

0:04:54.613,0:04:56.476
I stumbled out off bed,

0:04:56.476,0:04:59.633
I put the phone back on the receiver,[br]and it rang a second later,

0:04:59.633,0:05:03.606
and it was my brother,[br]and, boy, was he pissed.

0:05:03.606,0:05:05.528
(Laughter)

0:05:05.528,0:05:08.968
It was the saddest and longest [br]night of his life as well.

0:05:08.968,0:05:11.560
Now I tried to explain what[br]happened, but he said,

0:05:11.560,0:05:14.588
"I don't understand. [br]If you saw I wasn't calling you,

0:05:14.588,0:05:19.399
why didn't you just pick up [br]the phone and call me?"

0:05:19.399,0:05:23.544
He was right. Why didn't I call him?

0:05:23.544,0:05:26.587
I didn't have an answer then,[br]but I do today,

0:05:26.587,0:05:31.642
and it's a simple one: loneliness.

0:05:31.642,0:05:35.926
Loneliness creates a[br]deep psychological wound,

0:05:35.926,0:05:39.883
one that distorts our perceptions[br]and scrambles our thinking.

0:05:39.883,0:05:45.522
It makes us believe that those around us[br]care much less than they actually do.

0:05:45.522,0:05:48.352
It make us really afraid to reach out,[br]

0:05:48.352,0:05:51.802
because why set yourself up[br]for rejection and heartache

0:05:51.802,0:05:56.274
when your heart is already aching[br]more than you can stand?

0:05:56.274,0:05:59.538
I was in the grips of real [br]loneliness back then,

0:05:59.538,0:06:04.039
but I was surrounded by people all day,[br]so it never occurred to me.

0:06:04.039,0:06:08.694
But loneliness is defined [br]purely subjectively.

0:06:08.694,0:06:11.539
It depends solely on whether you feel

0:06:11.539,0:06:15.114
emotionally or socially disconnected[br]from those around you.

0:06:15.114,0:06:16.899
And I did.

0:06:16.899,0:06:23.363
There is a lot of research on loneliness,[br]and all of it is horrifying.

0:06:23.363,0:06:27.515
Loneliness won't just make you[br]miserable, it will kill you.

0:06:27.515,0:06:28.933
I'm not kidding.

0:06:28.933,0:06:32.667
Chronic loneliness increases your [br]likelihood of an early death

0:06:32.667,0:06:36.658
by 14 percent.

0:06:36.658,0:06:40.681
Loneliness causes high blood pressure,[br]high cholesterol.

0:06:40.681,0:06:44.557
It even suppress the functioning[br]of your immune system,

0:06:44.557,0:06:48.808
making you vulnerable to all kinds [br]of illnesses and diseases.

0:06:48.808,0:06:52.369
In fact, scientists have concluded [br]that taken together,

0:06:52.369,0:06:55.990
chronic loneliness poses as [br]significant a risk[br]

0:06:55.990,0:07:00.381
for your longterm health and [br]longevity as cigarette smoking.

0:07:00.381,0:07:05.033
Now cigarette packs come with warnings[br]saying, "This could kill you."

0:07:05.033,0:07:07.405
But loneliness doesn't.[br]

0:07:07.405,0:07:11.907
And that's why it's so important that[br]we prioritize our psychological health,

0:07:11.907,0:07:15.310
that we practice emotional hygiene.

0:07:15.310,0:07:18.282
Because you can't treat [br]a psychological wound

0:07:18.282,0:07:21.512
if you don't even know you're injured.

0:07:22.153,0:07:24.944
Loneliness isn't the only [br]psychological wound

0:07:24.944,0:07:28.412
that distorts our perceptions [br]and misleads us.

0:07:28.412,0:07:31.818
Failure does that as well.

0:07:31.818,0:07:34.000
I once visited a day care center,

0:07:34.000,0:07:39.204
where I saw three toddlers[br]play with identical plastic toys.

0:07:39.204,0:07:43.904
You had to slide the red button,[br]and a cute doggie would pop out.

0:07:43.905,0:07:48.555
One little girl tried pulling the[br]purple button, then pushing it,

0:07:48.555,0:07:52.917
and then she just sat back and looked [br]at the box, with her lower lip trembling.

0:07:52.917,0:07:56.104
The little boy next to her [br]watched this happen,[br]

0:07:56.104,0:08:01.364
then turned to his box and and burst [br]into tears without even touching it.

0:08:01.364,0:08:04.607
Meanwhile, another little girl tried [br]everything she could think of

0:08:04.607,0:08:06.415
until she slid the red button,

0:08:06.415,0:08:10.532
the cute doggie popped out,[br]and she squealed with delight.

0:08:10.532,0:08:13.925
So three toddlers with [br]identical plastic toys,

0:08:13.925,0:08:17.957
but with very different [br]reactions to failure.

0:08:17.957,0:08:22.278
The first two toddlers were perfectly[br]capable of sliding a red button.

0:08:22.278,0:08:25.590
The only thing that prevented[br]them from succeeding

0:08:25.590,0:08:29.920
was that their mind tricked them[br]into believing they could not.

0:08:29.920,0:08:33.970
Now, adults get tricked this way [br]as well, all the time.

0:08:33.970,0:08:40.409
In fact, we all have a default set of [br]feelings and beliefs that gets triggered

0:08:40.409,0:08:43.585
whenever we encounter [br]frustrations and setbacks.

0:08:43.585,0:08:46.704
Are you aware of how [br]your mind reacts to failure?

0:08:46.704,0:08:48.033
You need to be.

0:08:48.033,0:08:52.314
Because if your mind tries to convince you[br]you're incapable of something

0:08:52.314,0:08:53.963
and you believe it,

0:08:53.963,0:08:57.261
then like those two toddlers,[br]you'll begin to feel helpless

0:08:57.261,0:09:00.859
and you'll stop trying too soon,[br]or you won't even try at all.

0:09:00.859,0:09:03.967
And then you'll be even more [br]convinced you can't succeed.

0:09:03.967,0:09:08.585
You see, that's why so many people[br]function below their actual potential.

0:09:08.585,0:09:12.259
Because somewhere along the way, [br]sometimes a single failure

0:09:12.259,0:09:15.889
convinced them that they couldn't [br]succeed, and they believed it.

0:09:15.893,0:09:21.966
Once we become convinced of something,[br]it's very difficult to change our mind.

0:09:21.966,0:09:26.031
I learned that lesson the hard way[br]when I was a teenager with my brother.

0:09:26.031,0:09:29.390
We were driving with friends [br]down a dark road at night,

0:09:29.390,0:09:30.932
when a police car stopped us.[br]

0:09:30.932,0:09:34.344
There had been a robbery in the area[br]and they were looking for suspects.

0:09:34.344,0:09:38.287
The officer approached the car, and he[br]shined his flashlight on the driver,[br]

0:09:38.287,0:09:42.571
then on my brother in the front seat,[br]and then on me.

0:09:42.571,0:09:44.774
And his eyes opened wide and he said,

0:09:44.774,0:09:46.977
"Where have I seen your face before?"

0:09:46.977,0:09:50.075
(Laughter)

0:09:50.075,0:09:53.796
And I said, "In the front seat."

0:09:53.796,0:09:56.307
(Laughter)

0:09:56.307,0:09:58.813
But that made no sense[br]to him whatsoever.

0:09:58.813,0:10:01.137
So now he thought I was on drugs.

0:10:01.137,0:10:02.271
(Laughter)

0:10:02.271,0:10:04.795
So he drags me out of the car,[br]he searches me,

0:10:04.795,0:10:06.800
he marches me over to the police car,

0:10:06.800,0:10:09.765
and only when he verified[br]I didn't have a police record,

0:10:09.765,0:10:14.231
could I show him [br]I had a twin in the front seat.

0:10:14.231,0:10:17.648
But even as we were driving away, [br]you could see by the look on his face

0:10:17.648,0:10:22.654
he was convinced that I was[br]getting away with something.

0:10:22.655,0:10:26.669
Our mind is hard to change [br]once we become convinced.

0:10:26.669,0:10:31.431
So it might be very natural to feel[br]demoralized and defeated after you fail.

0:10:31.431,0:10:36.242
But you cannot allow yourself to become [br]convinced you can't succeed.

0:10:36.242,0:10:38.832
You have to fight [br]feelings of helplessness.

0:10:38.832,0:10:42.393
You have to gain control[br]over the situation.

0:10:42.393,0:10:46.901
And you have to break this kind of [br]negative cycle before it begins.

0:10:48.191,0:10:50.536
Our minds and our feelings,

0:10:50.536,0:10:53.641
they're not the trustworthy friends[br]we thought they were.

0:10:53.641,0:10:56.366
They are more like a really moody friend,

0:10:56.366,0:11:01.811
who can be totally supportive one minute,[br]and really unpleasant the next.

0:11:01.811,0:11:03.686
I once worked with this woman

0:11:03.686,0:11:07.973
who after 20 years marriage[br]and an extremely ugly divorce,

0:11:07.973,0:11:10.326
was finally ready for her first date.

0:11:10.326,0:11:14.958
She had met this guy online, and he[br]seemed nice and he seemed successful,

0:11:14.958,0:11:18.513
and most importantly, [br]he seemed really into her.

0:11:18.513,0:11:21.584
So she was very excited, [br]she bought a new dress,

0:11:21.584,0:11:25.667
and they met at an upscale[br]New York City bar for a drink.

0:11:25.667,0:11:29.238
Ten minutes into the date, [br]the man stands up and says,

0:11:29.238,0:11:33.318
"I'm not interested," and walks out.

0:11:33.318,0:11:37.572
Rejection is extremely painful.[br]

0:11:37.572,0:11:42.017
The woman was so hurt she couldn't move. [br]All she could do was call a friend.

0:11:42.017,0:11:46.749
Here's what the friend said:[br]"Well, what do you expect?

0:11:46.749,0:11:50.222
You have big hips,[br]you have nothing interesting to say,

0:11:50.222,0:11:52.846
why would a handsome, [br]successful man like that

0:11:52.846,0:11:56.930
ever go out with a loser like you?"

0:11:56.930,0:12:00.025
Shocking, right, that a friend [br]could be so cruel?

0:12:00.025,0:12:02.680
But it would be much less shocking

0:12:02.680,0:12:05.557
if I told you it wasn't [br]the friend who said that.

0:12:05.557,0:12:08.512
It's what the woman said to herself.

0:12:08.512,0:12:13.010
And that's something we all do, [br]especially after a rejection.

0:12:13.010,0:12:16.557
We all start thinking of all our faults[br]and all our shortcomings,

0:12:16.557,0:12:18.791
what we wish we were, [br]what we wish we weren't,

0:12:18.791,0:12:20.169
we call ourselves names.

0:12:20.169,0:12:23.529
Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.[br]

0:12:23.529,0:12:28.380
And it's interesting that we do, because[br]our self-esteem is already hurting.

0:12:28.380,0:12:31.340
Why would we want to go [br]and damage it even further?

0:12:31.340,0:12:33.981
We wouldn't make a physical injury [br]worse on purpose.

0:12:33.981,0:12:36.910
You wouldn't get a cut on your arm [br]and decide, "Oh, I know!

0:12:36.910,0:12:40.519
I'm going to take a knife and see[br]how much deeper I can make it."

0:12:40.519,0:12:43.973
But we do that with psychological[br]injuries all the time.

0:12:43.973,0:12:47.665
Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.

0:12:47.665,0:12:50.387
Because we don't prioritize [br]our psychological health.

0:12:50.387,0:12:54.250
We know from dozens of studies[br]that when your self-esteem is lower,

0:12:54.250,0:12:57.923
you are more vulnerable to [br]stress and to anxiety,

0:12:57.923,0:13:03.146
that failures and rejections hurt more[br]and it takes longer to recover from them.

0:13:03.146,0:13:06.325
So when you get rejected, [br]the first thing you should be doing

0:13:06.325,0:13:12.554
is to revive your self-esteem, not [br]join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.

0:13:12.554,0:13:15.459
When you're in emotional pain,

0:13:15.459,0:13:21.572
treat yourself with the same compassion [br]you would expect from a truly good friend.

0:13:23.122,0:13:27.558
We have to catch our unhealthy [br]psychological habits and change them.

0:13:27.558,0:13:32.228
One of unhealthiest and most common[br]is called rumination.

0:13:32.228,0:13:34.989
To ruminate means to chew over.[br]

0:13:34.989,0:13:39.360
It's when your boss yells at you, or your [br]professor makes you feel stupid in class,

0:13:39.360,0:13:41.551
or you have big fight with a friend

0:13:41.551,0:13:45.968
and you just can't stop replaying[br]the scene in your head for days,

0:13:45.968,0:13:47.937
sometimes for weeks on end.

0:13:47.937,0:13:53.645
Ruminating about upsetting events[br]in this way can easily become a habit,

0:13:53.645,0:13:55.733
and it's a very costly one.

0:13:55.733,0:13:59.922
Because by spending so much time focused[br]on upsetting and negative thoughts,

0:13:59.922,0:14:02.894
you are actually putting yourself[br]at significant risk

0:14:02.894,0:14:07.426
for developing clinical depression, [br]alcoholism, eating disorders,

0:14:07.426,0:14:10.149
and even cardiovascular disease.

0:14:10.149,0:14:16.019
The problem is the urge to ruminate can[br]feel really strong and really important,

0:14:16.019,0:14:18.429
so it's a difficult habit to stop.

0:14:18.429,0:14:21.801
I know this for a fact, [br]because a little over a year ago,

0:14:21.801,0:14:24.350
I developed the habit myself.

0:14:24.350,0:14:30.829
You see, my twin brother was diagnosed[br]with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

0:14:30.829,0:14:33.133
His cancer was extremly aggressive.

0:14:33.133,0:14:36.904
He had visible tumors all over his body.

0:14:36.904,0:14:41.835
And he had to start[br]a harsh course of chemotherapy.

0:14:41.835,0:14:46.497
And I couldn't stop thinking about [br]what he was going through.

0:14:46.497,0:14:49.732
I couldn't stop thinking about [br]how much he was suffering,

0:14:49.732,0:14:54.332
even though he never complained, not once.

0:14:54.332,0:14:56.750
He had this incredibly positive attitude.[br]

0:14:56.750,0:15:00.379
His psychological health was amazing.[br]

0:15:00.379,0:15:04.518
I was physically healthy, [br]but psychologically I was a mess.

0:15:04.518,0:15:06.748
But I knew what to do.

0:15:06.748,0:15:10.910
Studies tell us that even a two-minute[br]distraction is sufficient

0:15:10.910,0:15:13.968
to break the urge to ruminate[br]in that moment.

0:15:13.968,0:15:17.465
And so each time I had a worrying, [br]upsetting, negative thought,

0:15:17.465,0:15:22.257
I forced myself to concentrate on[br]something else until the urge passed.

0:15:22.257,0:15:26.603
And within one week, [br]my whole outlook changed

0:15:26.603,0:15:30.113
and became more positive [br]and more hopeful.

0:15:31.569,0:15:35.624
Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,[br]my brother had a CAT scan,

0:15:35.624,0:15:39.260
and I was by his side when [br]he got the results.

0:15:39.260,0:15:42.497
All the tumors were gone.

0:15:42.497,0:15:45.114
He still had three more rounds [br]of chemotherapy to go,

0:15:45.114,0:15:47.731
but we knew he would recover.

0:15:47.731,0:15:51.979
This picture was taken two weeks ago.

0:15:53.759,0:15:56.847
By taking action when you're lonely,

0:15:56.847,0:16:00.225
by changing your responses to failure,

0:16:00.225,0:16:03.157
by protecting your self-esteem,

0:16:03.157,0:16:05.189
by battling negative thinking,

0:16:05.189,0:16:07.887
you won't just heal your[br]psychological wounds,

0:16:07.887,0:16:11.569
you will bulid emotional resilience,[br]you will thrive.

0:16:12.871,0:16:16.794
A hundred years ago, [br]people began practicing personal hygiene,

0:16:16.794,0:16:21.119
and life expectancy rates rose [br]by over 50 percent

0:16:21.119,0:16:23.577
in just a matter of decades.

0:16:23.577,0:16:27.922
I believe our quality of life[br]could rise just as dramatically

0:16:27.922,0:16:31.569
if we all began practicing [br]emotional hygiene.

0:16:31.569,0:16:33.762
Can you imagine what[br]the world would be like

0:16:33.762,0:16:37.088
if everyone was psychologically healthier?[br]

0:16:37.088,0:16:40.383
If there were less loneliness [br]and less depression?

0:16:40.383,0:16:43.224
If people knew how to overcome failure?[br]

0:16:43.224,0:16:46.274
If they felt better about themselves[br]and more empowered?

0:16:46.274,0:16:49.520
If they were happier and more fulfilled?[br]

0:16:49.520,0:16:53.833
I can, because that's the world[br]I want to live in,

0:16:53.833,0:16:58.419
and that's the world my brother[br]wants to live in as well.

0:16:58.419,0:17:02.500
And if you just become informed[br]and change a few simple habits,

0:17:02.500,0:17:06.382
well, that's the world we can all live in.

0:17:06.382,0:17:08.294
Thank you very much.

0:17:08.294,0:17:11.267
(Applause)