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I grew up with my identical twin,


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who was an incredibly loving brother.

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Now, one thing about being a twin 
is that it makes you an expert

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at spotting favoritism.

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If his cookie was even slightly bigger 
than my cookie, I had questions.

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And clearly, I wasn't starving.

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(Laughter)

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When I became a psychologist, I began to
notice favoritism of a different kind,

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and that is how much more we
value the body than we do the mind.

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I spent nine years at university earning
my doctorate in psychology,

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and I can't tell you how many people 
look at my business card and say,

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"Oh, a psychologist. 
So not a real doctor,"

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as if it should say that on my card.

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(Laughter)

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This favoritism we show the body 
over the mind, I see it everywhere.

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I recently was at a friend's house,

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and their five-year-old
was getting ready for bed.

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He was standing on a stool 
by the sink brushing his teeth,

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when he slipped, and scratched his leg 
on the stool when he fell.

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He cried for a minute, 
but then he got back up,

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got back on the stool, and reached out for
a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.

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Now, this kid could barely 
tie his shoelaces,

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but he knew you have to cover a cut,
so it doesn't become infected,

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and you have to care for
your teeth by brushing twice a day.

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We all know how to maintain
our physical health

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and how to practice dental hygiene, right?

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We've known it since
we were five years old.

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But what do we know about maintaining
our psychological health?

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Well, nothing.

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What do we teach our children
about emotional hygiene?

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Nothing.

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How is it that we spend more time
taking care of our teeth

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than we do our minds.

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Why is it that our physical health is
so much more important to us

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than our psychological health?

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We sustain psychological injuries
even more often than we do physical ones,

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injuries like failure
or rejection or loneliness.

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And they can also get
worse if we ignore them,

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and they can impact our lives
in dramatic ways.

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And yet, even though there are 
scientifically proven techniques

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we could use to treat these
kinds of psychological injuries,

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we don't.

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It doesn't even occur to us 
that we should.

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"Oh, you're feeling depressed?
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."

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Can you imagine saying that
to somebody with a broken leg:

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"Oh, just walk it off;
it's all in your leg."

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(Laughter)

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It is time we closed the gap between
our physical and our psychological health.

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It's time we made them more equal, 


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more like twins.

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Speaking of which, 
my brother is also a psychologist.

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So he's not a real doctor, either.

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(Laughter)

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We didn't study together, though.

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In fact, the hardest thing 
I've ever done in my life

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is move across the Atlantic 
to New York City

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to get my doctorate in psychology.

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We were apart then
for the first time in our lives,

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and the separation was 
brutal for both of us.

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But while he remained among
family and friends,

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I was alone in a new country.


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We missed each other terribly,

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but international phone calls were
really expensive then

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and we could only afford to speak
for five minutes a week.

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When our birthday rolled around,

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it was the first we wouldn't
be spending together.

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We decide to splurge, and that week
we would talk for 10 minutes.

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I spent the morning pacing around my room,
waiting for him to call --

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and waiting and waiting, 
but the phone didn't ring.

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Given the time difference, I assumed,

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"Ok, he's out with friends, 
he will call later."

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There were no cell phones then.


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But he didn't.

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And I began to realize that after 
being away for over 10 months,

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he no longer missed me 
the way I missed him.

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I knew he would call in the morning,


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but that night was one of the
saddest and longest nights of my life.

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I woke up the next morning.

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I glanced down at the phone, and 
I realized I had kicked it off the hook

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when pacing the day before.

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I stumbled out off bed,

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I put the phone back on the receiver,
and it rang a second later,

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and it was my brother,
and, boy, was he pissed.

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(Laughter)

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It was the saddest and longest 
night of his life as well.

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Now I tried to explain what
happened, but he said,

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"I don't understand. 
If you saw I wasn't calling you,

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why didn't you just pick up 
the phone and call me?"

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He was right. Why didn't I call him?

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I didn't have an answer then,
but I do today,

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and it's a simple one: loneliness.

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Loneliness creates a
deep psychological wound,

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one that distorts our perceptions
and scrambles our thinking.

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It makes us believe that those around us
care much less than they actually do.

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It make us really afraid to reach out,


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because why set yourself up
for rejection and heartache

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when your heart is already aching
more than you can stand?

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I was in the grips of real 
loneliness back then,

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but I was surrounded by people all day,
so it never occurred to me.

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But loneliness is defined 
purely subjectively.

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It depends solely on whether you feel

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emotionally or socially disconnected
from those around you.

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And I did.

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There is a lot of research on loneliness,
and all of it is horrifying.

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Loneliness won't just make you
miserable, it will kill you.

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I'm not kidding.

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Chronic loneliness increases your 
likelihood of an early death

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by 14 percent.

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Loneliness causes high blood pressure,
high cholesterol.

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It even suppress the functioning
of your immune system,

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making you vulnerable to all kinds 
of illnesses and diseases.

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In fact, scientists have concluded 
that taken together,

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chronic loneliness poses as 
significant a risk


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for your longterm health and 
longevity as cigarette smoking.

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Now cigarette packs come with warnings
saying, "This could kill you."

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But loneliness doesn't.


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And that's why it's so important that
we prioritize our psychological health,

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that we practice emotional hygiene.

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Because you can't treat 
a psychological wound

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if you don't even know you're injured.

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Loneliness isn't the only 
psychological wound

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that distorts our perceptions 
and misleads us.

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Failure does that as well.

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I once visited a day care center,

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where I saw three toddlers
play with identical plastic toys.

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You had to slide the red button,
and a cute doggie would pop out.

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One little girl tried pulling the
purple button, then pushing it,

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and then she just sat back and looked 
at the box, with her lower lip trembling.

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The little boy next to her 
watched this happen,


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then turned to his box and and burst 
into tears without even touching it.

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Meanwhile, another little girl tried 
everything she could think of

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until she slid the red button,

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the cute doggie popped out,
and she squealed with delight.

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So three toddlers with 
identical plastic toys,

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but with very different 
reactions to failure.

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The first two toddlers were perfectly
capable of sliding a red button.

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The only thing that prevented
them from succeeding

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was that their mind tricked them
into believing they could not.

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Now, adults get tricked this way 
as well, all the time.

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In fact, we all have a default set of 
feelings and beliefs that gets triggered

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whenever we encounter 
frustrations and setbacks.

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Are you aware of how 
your mind reacts to failure?

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You need to be.

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Because if your mind tries to convince you
you're incapable of something

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and you believe it,

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then like those two toddlers,
you'll begin to feel helpless

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and you'll stop trying too soon,
or you won't even try at all.

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And then you'll be even more 
convinced you can't succeed.

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You see, that's why so many people
function below their actual potential.

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Because somewhere along the way, 
sometimes a single failure

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convinced them that they couldn't 
succeed, and they believed it.

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Once we become convinced of something,
it's very difficult to change our mind.

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I learned that lesson the hard way
when I was a teenager with my brother.

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We were driving with friends 
down a dark road at night,

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when a police car stopped us.


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There had been a robbery in the area
and they were looking for suspects.

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The officer approached the car, and he
shined his flashlight on the driver,


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then on my brother in the front seat,
and then on me.

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And his eyes opened wide and he said,

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"Where have I seen your face before?"

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(Laughter)

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And I said, "In the front seat."

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(Laughter)

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But that made no sense
to him whatsoever.

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So now he thought I was on drugs.

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(Laughter)

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So he drags me out of the car,
he searches me,

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he marches me over to the police car,

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and only when he verified
I didn't have a police record,

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could I show him 
I had a twin in the front seat.

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But even as we were driving away, 
you could see by the look on his face

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he was convinced that I was
getting away with something.

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Our mind is hard to change 
once we become convinced.

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So it might be very natural to feel
demoralized and defeated after you fail.

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But you cannot allow yourself to become 
convinced you can't succeed.

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You have to fight 
feelings of helplessness.

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You have to gain control
over the situation.

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And you have to break this kind of 
negative cycle before it begins.

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Our minds and our feelings,

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they're not the trustworthy friends
we thought they were.

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They are more like a really moody friend,

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who can be totally supportive one minute,
and really unpleasant the next.

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I once worked with this woman

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who after 20 years marriage
and an extremely ugly divorce,

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was finally ready for her first date.

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She had met this guy online, and he
seemed nice and he seemed successful,

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and most importantly, 
he seemed really into her.

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So she was very excited, 
she bought a new dress,

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and they met at an upscale
New York City bar for a drink.

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Ten minutes into the date, 
the man stands up and says,

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"I'm not interested," and walks out.

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Rejection is extremely painful.


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The woman was so hurt she couldn't move. 
All she could do was call a friend.

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Here's what the friend said:
"Well, what do you expect?

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You have big hips,
you have nothing interesting to say,

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why would a handsome, 
successful man like that

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ever go out with a loser like you?"

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Shocking, right, that a friend 
could be so cruel?

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But it would be much less shocking

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if I told you it wasn't 
the friend who said that.

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It's what the woman said to herself.

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And that's something we all do, 
especially after a rejection.

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We all start thinking of all our faults
and all our shortcomings,

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what we wish we were, 
what we wish we weren't,

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we call ourselves names.

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Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.


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And it's interesting that we do, because
our self-esteem is already hurting.

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Why would we want to go 
and damage it even further?

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We wouldn't make a physical injury 
worse on purpose.

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You wouldn't get a cut on your arm 
and decide, "Oh, I know!

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I'm going to take a knife and see
how much deeper I can make it."

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But we do that with psychological
injuries all the time.

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Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.

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Because we don't prioritize 
our psychological health.

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We know from dozens of studies
that when your self-esteem is lower,

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you are more vulnerable to 
stress and to anxiety,

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that failures and rejections hurt more
and it takes longer to recover from them.

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So when you get rejected, 
the first thing you should be doing

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is to revive your self-esteem, not 
join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.

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When you're in emotional pain,

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treat yourself with the same compassion 
you would expect from a truly good friend.

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We have to catch our unhealthy 
psychological habits and change them.

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One of unhealthiest and most common
is called rumination.

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To ruminate means to chew over.


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It's when your boss yells at you, or your 
professor makes you feel stupid in class,

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or you have big fight with a friend

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and you just can't stop replaying
the scene in your head for days,

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sometimes for weeks on end.

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Ruminating about upsetting events
in this way can easily become a habit,

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and it's a very costly one.

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00:13:55,733 --> 00:13:59,922
Because by spending so much time focused
on upsetting and negative thoughts,

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you are actually putting yourself
at significant risk

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00:14:02,894 --> 00:14:07,426
for developing clinical depression, 
alcoholism, eating disorders,

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and even cardiovascular disease.

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The problem is the urge to ruminate can
feel really strong and really important,

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so it's a difficult habit to stop.

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I know this for a fact, 
because a little over a year ago,

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I developed the habit myself.

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You see, my twin brother was diagnosed
with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

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His cancer was extremly aggressive.

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He had visible tumors all over his body.

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And he had to start
a harsh course of chemotherapy.

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And I couldn't stop thinking about 
what he was going through.

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I couldn't stop thinking about 
how much he was suffering,

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even though he never complained, not once.

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He had this incredibly positive attitude.


247
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His psychological health was amazing.


248
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I was physically healthy, 
but psychologically I was a mess.

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But I knew what to do.

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Studies tell us that even a two-minute
distraction is sufficient

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to break the urge to ruminate
in that moment.

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00:15:13,968 --> 00:15:17,465
And so each time I had a worrying, 
upsetting, negative thought,

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I forced myself to concentrate on
something else until the urge passed.

254
00:15:22,257 --> 00:15:26,603
And within one week, 
my whole outlook changed

255
00:15:26,603 --> 00:15:30,113
and became more positive 
and more hopeful.

256
00:15:31,569 --> 00:15:35,624
Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,
my brother had a CAT scan,

257
00:15:35,624 --> 00:15:39,260
and I was by his side when 
he got the results.

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00:15:39,260 --> 00:15:42,497
All the tumors were gone.

259
00:15:42,497 --> 00:15:45,114
He still had three more rounds 
of chemotherapy to go,

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00:15:45,114 --> 00:15:47,731
but we knew he would recover.

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00:15:47,731 --> 00:15:51,979
This picture was taken two weeks ago.

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By taking action when you're lonely,

263
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by changing your responses to failure,

264
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by protecting your self-esteem,

265
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by battling negative thinking,

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you won't just heal your
psychological wounds,

267
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you will bulid emotional resilience,
you will thrive.

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00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:16,794
A hundred years ago, 
people began practicing personal hygiene,

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00:16:16,794 --> 00:16:21,119
and life expectancy rates rose 
by over 50 percent

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00:16:21,119 --> 00:16:23,577
in just a matter of decades.

271
00:16:23,577 --> 00:16:27,922
I believe our quality of life
could rise just as dramatically

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00:16:27,922 --> 00:16:31,569
if we all began practicing 
emotional hygiene.

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00:16:31,569 --> 00:16:33,762
Can you imagine what
the world would be like

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if everyone was psychologically healthier?


275
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If there were less loneliness 
and less depression?

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00:16:40,383 --> 00:16:43,224
If people knew how to overcome failure?


277
00:16:43,224 --> 00:16:46,274
If they felt better about themselves
and more empowered?

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If they were happier and more fulfilled?


279
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,833
I can, because that's the world
I want to live in,

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00:16:53,833 --> 00:16:58,419
and that's the world my brother
wants to live in as well.

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00:16:58,419 --> 00:17:02,500
And if you just become informed
and change a few simple habits,

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well, that's the world we can all live in.

283
00:17:06,382 --> 00:17:08,294
Thank you very much.

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(Applause)