WEBVTT

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I'd like to talk to you today

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about a whole new way to think
about sexual activity

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and sexuality education, by comparison.

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If you talk to someone today in America

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about sexual activity,

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you'll find pretty soon
you're not just talking

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about sexual activity.

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You're also talking about baseball.

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Because baseball is the dominant
cultural metaphor

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that Americans use to think about

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and talk about sexual activity,

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and we know that because there's

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all this language in English

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that seems to be talking about baseball

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but that's really talking
about sexual activity.

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So, for example, you can
be a pitcher or a catcher,

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and that corresponds to whether you

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perform a sexual act
or receive a sexual act.

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Of course, there are the bases,

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which refer to specific sexual activities

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that happen in a very specific order,

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ultimately resulting in scoring a run

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or hitting a home run,

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which is usually having
vaginal intercourse

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to the point of orgasm,

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at least for the guy.

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(Laughter)

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You can strike out, which means

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you don't get to have any sexual activity.

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And if you're a benchwarmer,

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you might be a virgin or somebody who for

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whatever reason isn't in the game,

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maybe because of your age
or because of your ability

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or because of your skillset.

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A bat's a penis,

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and a nappy dugout
is a vulva, or a vagina.

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A glove or a catcher's mitt is a condom.

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A switch-hitter is a bisexual person,

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and we gay and lesbian folks
play for the other team.

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And then there's this one:

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"if there's grass
on the field, play ball."

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And that usually refers to

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if a young person, specifically
often a young woman,

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is old enough to have pubic hair,

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she's old enough to have sex with.

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This baseball model
is incredibly problematic.

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It's sexist. It's heterosexist.

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It's competitive. It's goal-directed.

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And it can't result in healthy sexuality

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developing in young people or in adults.

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So we need a new model.

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I'm here today to offer
you that new model.

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And it's based on

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pizza.

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Now pizza is something
that is universally understood

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and that most people associate
with a positive experience.

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So let's do this.

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Let's take baseball
and pizza and compare it

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when talking about three aspects
of sexual activity:

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the trigger for sexual activity,

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what happens during sexual activity,

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and the expected outcome
of sexual activity.

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So when do you play baseball?

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You play baseball when
it's baseball season

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and when there's a game on the schedule.

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It's not exactly your choice.

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So if it's prom night or a wedding night

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or at a party or if our parents
aren't home,

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hey, it's just batter up.

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Can you imagine saying to your coach,

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"Uh, I'm not really feeling it today,

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I think I'll sit this game out."

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That's just not the way it happens.

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And when you get together
to play baseball,

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immediately you're
with two opposing teams,

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one playing offense, one playing defense,

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somebody's trying to move
deeper into the field.

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That's usually a sign to the boy.

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Somebody's trying to defend
people moving into the field.

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That's often given to the girl.

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It's competitive.

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We're not playing with each other.

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We're playing against each other.

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And when you show up to play baseball,

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nobody needs to talk
about what we're going to do

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or how this baseball game
might be good for us.

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Everybody knows the rules.

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You just take your position
and play the game.

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But when do you have pizza?

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Well, you have pizza when
you're hungry for pizza.

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It starts with an internal sense,
an internal desire, or a need.

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"Huh. I could go for some pizza."

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(Laughter)

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And because it's an internal desire,

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we actually have some sense
of control over that.

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I could decide that I'm hungry

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but know that it's not
a great time to eat.

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And then when we get together
with someone for pizza,

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we're not competing with them,

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we're looking for an experience

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that both of us will share

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that's satisfying for both of us,

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and when you get together
for pizza with somebody,

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what's the first thing you do?

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You talk about it.

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You talk about what you want.

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You talk about what you like.

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You may even negotiate it.

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"How do you feel
about pepperoni?" (Laughter)

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"Not so much, I'm kind
of a mushroom guy myself."

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"Well, maybe we can go half and half."

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And even if you've had pizza with somebody

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for a very long time,

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don't you still say things like,

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"Should we get the usual?"

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(Laughter)

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"Or maybe something
a little more adventurous?"

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Okay, so when you're playing baseball,

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so if we talk
about during sexual activity,

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when you're playing baseball,

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you're just supposed to round the bases

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in the proper order one at a time.

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You can't hit the ball
and run to right field.

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That doesn't work.

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And you also can't get
to second base and say,

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"I like it here. I'm going to stay here."

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No.

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And also, of course,
with baseball, there's, like,

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the specific equipment
and a specific skill set.

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Not everybody can play baseball.
It's pretty exclusive.

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Okay, but what about pizza?

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When we're trying to figure
out what's good for pizza,

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isn't it all about what's our pleasure?

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There are a million different
kinds of pizza.

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There's a million different toppings.

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There's a million different
ways to eat pizza.

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And none of them are wrong.
They're different.

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And in this case, difference is good,

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because that's going
to increase the chance

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that we're having a satisfying experience.

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And lastly, what's the expected
outcome of baseball?

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Well, in baseball, you play to win.

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You score as many runs as you can.

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There's always a winner in baseball,

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and that means there's always
a loser in baseball.

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But what about pizza?

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Well, in pizza, we're not really --

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there's no winning. How do you win pizza?

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You don't. But you do look for,

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"Are we satisfied?"

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And sometimes that can
be different amounts

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over different times
or with different people

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or on different days.

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And we get to decide
when we feel satisfied.

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If we're still hungry,
we might have some more.

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If you eat too much, though,

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you just feel gross.

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(Laughter)

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So what if we could take this pizza model

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and overlay it on top
of sexuality education?

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A lot of sexuality education
that happens today

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is so influenced by the baseball model,

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and it sets up education that can't help

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but produce unhealthy
sexuality in young people.

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And those young people
become older people.

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But if we could create sexuality education

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that was more like pizza,

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we could create education
that invites people

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to think about their own desires,

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to make deliberate decisions
about what they want,

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to talk about it with their partners,

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and to ultimately look for

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not some external outcome

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but for what feels satisfying,

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and we get to decide that.

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You may have noticed

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in the baseball and pizza comparison,

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under the baseball, it's all commands.

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They're all exclamation points.

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But under the pizza
model, they're questions.

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And who gets to answer those questions?

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You do. I do.

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So remember, when we're thinking about

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sexuality education and sexual activity,

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baseball, you're out.

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Pizza is the way to think about healthy,

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satisfying sexual activity,

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and good, comprehensive
sexuality education.

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Thank you very much for your time.

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(Applause)