NLP practioner
Part 2
A NeuroLIinguistic programmer's qualities
What are the qualities a good neurolinguistic programmer must have?
if in the previous chapter we saw the communication preconditions,
in this one we'll see the qualities.
The first fundamental quality
follows one of the preconditions we saw before
that is THE MAP IS NOT THE TERRITORY
The first and greatest wuality of a good neuro linguistic programmer
as well as a good communicator
as well as a good coach
As coach I mean the one who, in the common exception of the word,
is a trainer.
So who trains mentally and who
in theory should have already gone beyond given things
so the first thing a coach must do, or a neuro linguistic programmer
or whoever he/she it
must understand and become aware that your map is different from mine, from any other person's in the world.
What does this mean?
It means that all the experienced you've had in your life
since your conception, not even your birth, but since your conception to now
have become filters which filter the outside reality
to make it become the reality represented insiede you.
If you ever saw a camera, a reflex one to which you can add lens or filters
or colours, or anything else
it is like you as you bear, or rather, as soon as you are conceived
they put this camera in your hand
so the reality you take from the outside
which pass through the lens is what you really see.
Then, we'll udnerstand better what this means
as the things happen
like a trauma because your parents didn't want you
this creates you a new filter already
the world does not accept me
you add another filter because maybe you parents beat you later
so the world is violent
and so forth...
thoughts, emotions, traumas, events becoming filters, colours
and many other things that somehow change the reality perception
your reality perception will absolutely be different from mine
it's like as... the classical example I maje is this one:
imagine we both live in Rome
but I go around by car and you go around by bus
bus or subway
what happens? My references are streets and monuments,
your references are the bus stops and the subway platforms.
we have to fix an appointment:
it's a mess, why?
my map is different from yours.
so I'll tell you "let's see next to the Olimpico movie theatre"
I don't even now if it exists.
And you'll tell me : "Olimpico movie theatre?
Where's the Olimpico movie theatre?"
What's the Giulio Agricola subway platform?
Giulio Agricola Subway? don't know.
no, come one, in front of the shopping centre, the towers' one.
towers shopping centre? but the one near to the terminal 31?
termina, which bus? don't know, come one, a little ahead where there is that restaurant where you can eat fish
we could go on like this endlessly
until one of the two takes his map
and overlpas it to the other's map
so I should take my mental map of the monuments
or sights, overlap it to your bus map
and see where that movie theatre is.
next to the Tuscolana platform, good. tuscolana subway platform
and so we can meet.
this is a very meaningful metaphor
because if I don't understand which map is yours
I can't ever enter your mind and help you,
I can't ever understand your experience
and if you think about it, the most of discussions or relationship problems
occurs because we often say the same things
I mean, we talk about the same things but in different ways.
here's an example:
two friends who are lifelong friends
but one of them is sure about this:
my best friend is who wouldn't ever wake me up at night, no matter what happens
the other one thinks: my best friend is the one who if I get a flat at 3 am,
I call him and he comes to me.
now, they are best friends each other
what happens if, by mistake, one of them gets a flat at 3 am?
their friendship breaks up!
simply because they both said to be best friends
but they didn't know the maps of each other
so according to me, the friendship is a thing, for you the friendship is another thing
these two maps do not overlap, so they fight.
and this usually occurs in the man-woman relationships,
the job relationships, and probably in all relationships
remember that the words, experiences, movements always come from those filters we talked about before.
so I don't know your filters, but I know,
when I start a relationship, get in touch with you,
your actions,
and I judge your actions, usually, or interpret your actions
based on my filters which are completely different from yours.
so we both can talk freely about family, money, sex,
anything but I don't know what this can mean to you,
and you don't know what this means to me.
but we are... and this is abig problem in our society which doesn't know these things
we are absolutely sure that what I have in my mind is exactly the same for all the others
and starting from this principle, we get angry because the others don't understand us,
but actually it just takes... and for a good neurolinguistic programmer is the first thing to do,
is understanding that the other person's map is not our map
so what we have in our head is not important
but we have to understand the other person's map.
regularly, when I talk about these things, someone raises his hand and tells me...
in video this doesn't happen but I am sure that someone of you
now may think:
"well, this is like you demean to the other person!
no.
it's like to understand the other person.
because the second quality of a good neuro linguistic programmer
is taking off his/her pride inside the communication
because until I have the principle to not demean myself to him/her,
it's him/her who has to understand.
but in this case you become a communication expert
and you have to understand, you don't have to demean yourself, but you have to understand the other
and when you'll understant the other people, you can lead them
somehow, you can create a valid communication for your goals
I don't know which your goals are
remember the NLP is a toolbox
someone often talks about the NLP in a negatively
it's something to manipulate, it's something to sell
NLP is a toolbos, so if I teach you to use a knife
if you use this knife to cut the bread and make a sandwich to feed a famished
or you use this knife to kill someone
I taught you to use the knife
then it's your ethics which will decide how to use it, this is the NLP!
they are tools.
when you know how your mind works,
it's you who decide what to do with it.
sure you can manipulate, certainly, but it's what it's done to you every day
by TV, politicians, and everything around you
so it's also a way to protect you
and understand how ads posters, supermarkets planning, what they tell you in politics,
what they tell you on tv. they often... most of all the ads. it's very fun
they use NLP techniques which are nothing but of our mind working
to attract your attention, to install something in order that you'll see it in the supermarket
you don't even why but you buy a good rather than another one
because you are sure, and you don't know why you are sure about it
that if you buy that, your dress will be whiter as most as it can
etc etc
these things are inside your mind but you don't know why but someone put them in it
how? by using techniques you are going to learn!
so how you'll use them, how you'll use these tools
will exclusively depend on your ethics.
My task is giving them to you.
Sure, you can teach them to children, or use them to give them to your children
to raise them without negativity or negative thoughts perhaps
or fears, or limitations, or you can use them to sell more
to manipulate people, or who knows what
I repeat, the NLP is just tools, what you are going to do with them depends only on you.
so to get in touch with another person
you have to manage to stay outside your ego
because until your ego will say you are better than someone else and you won't demean yourself,
or will say that it's the other person who has to understand, not you
this won't ever let you to enter the other person's map.
another fundamental thing is that:
you don't discover the map only inside the other person,
therefore we don't learn the NLP only to communicate with another person
but most of all
and first of all to communicate with ourselves
because we are the first who don't know our map
but we act accordingly.
Starting to know our map
and understanding for which reason a given word said by a given person makes me jump,
gets me angry or if my mother tells me something I react like this
and I don't even know why, because I can't control it
if my boss treats me in a given way my blood goes to my head
and who knows what
if I receive a bill, I feel bad for two days,
if sometims I wake up, the weather is bad and I am in a bad mood
you have a range of automatic behaviours,
remember that 95% of these behaviours are completely automatic
so they are driven by a part of you which has some maps
that have been created through that filters range
since you had been conceived to today
and works completely automatically
just like when you take driving lessons
the first times you are forced to pay attention
then after your behaviours and the teaching became inconscious
everything is automatic
and today you drive peacefully while you talk on the phone
while you make up or while who knows what
and your mind automatically runs these behaviours
so much that it will happen to you many time that if you drive your car
if you are used to always take the same road
from your house to your office and one day instead of coming back home
from the office you have to go to a friend of yours
but you are lost in thought, automatically your mind will lead you at home
because automatically your mind does what it has always done
what it has been trained to,
what for which those filters have been put in
and if you don't give it a conscious order
it will do what it has always done: it makes you do the usual road.
and probably this happened to you.
so in the 95% of cases your behaviours are completely unconscious
we have to understand our map
first of all
to understand how these behaviours have been created
and how to change them if we don't like them
this obviously works for fears, phobias, limitations, blocks, everything
as we go along, we'll learn how a maps is created
and obviously our and the others' maps
so when we'll learn how our mind works,
we could change the things in it
obviously we'll learn how the others' mind works
and we could choose according to our ethics
how to use these tools to... use them with the other people
according to our goals, which I hope will be ethical for you watching this video.
But how can we enter another person's map?
or how can we discover our map?
well, one of the easiest things is coming back to the other principle
we saw before in the previous chapter which said:
two ears - two eyes - one mouth
that is listening, watching and then, if necessary, talking.
but when you'll be skilled, you'll just need to watch with given rules
you'll learn and to listen with given rules you'll learn
and only watching and listening will show you inside the person
all a range of features which show you the important parts of his/her map
when you'll understand the map, you can adjust your map to his or hers
in order that the communciation will be valid and aimed at a positive goal.
let's remember another fundamental thing
the main goal of the NLP is producing rapports
that is at an unsconscious level, we always talk about the communication with the others but it worths also with the communciation with ourselves
because very often it's as we had someone behind us we don't get along with
so often we feel like we can't do things
I would like to do some things but something blocks me
this thing blocking me is someone inside
we don't see it as a strange entity, simply a sort of a inner child
a sort of a person inside of us who hasn't grown up in a given way
and that for some given reasons has chosen to put given filters in.
Knowing this person, and knowing the person who is outside,
is pretty easy, you have just to listen to it and be able to watch.
what? we'll learn it in the next chapters
so the map is pretty simple to discover when we know what to watch
but a quality a neurolinguistic programmer must have
is being able to listen and watch
and this is linked to the need of being outside our ego
because if we stay in our ego
while a person talks,
we talk us inside, we already thing about what we have to say
without listening to the other we lose all those details
the person giving us consciously or unconsciously
in thousands ways you'll learn
and that could be important to us to create an effective communication with the other
I repeat: the same thing happens with ourselves
it's a little bit harder watching ourselves from the outside but we can do that
so remember the map in the neurolinguistic program...
remember the map and the neuro linguistic program tells us:
it comes from a programming so from things happened in the past
and that has programmed our neuro, our mind
and expresses itself through the linguistic
as linguistic we mean not only what we say with words
but the whole communciation, so the verbal and the paraverbal, then we'll learn what this means
and the non-verbal
so watching our or the others' communication
we could understand how this external communication shows our internal map
and we'll learn many things in the next chapters
another quality a good neuro-linguistic programmer,
a good communicatior and a good coach should have
is becoming a juggler with words.
because remember that our words can influence
the other person's experience at any level
for better or worse of course.
but it depend on your ethics
so your ethics is important
when I can play with words
and I can put them in the right place, in the right moment, in the right way,
with the right tone, it doesn't take much to change an experience
or reach a goal
whatever the goal is.
I repeat, it can be selling, conquering, changing something, manipulating, or helping a person
or healing, or getting them over a limit, or a phobia, abything, when you know the map
you know how given things work in your mind,
when you can play with the words and with the linguistics
you can use the right sentence in the right place, in the right moment
but, I repeat, this is quality you get with the experience
I remind you, as I sais in the previous chapter,
the NLP is a range of tools, it's true.
but your experience makes the actual difference.
So, if you wathc these videos, you closed them
and you do nothing but waiting for the next or watching the next one,
without doing your exercises I suggest you to do at home
and you don't continue to constantly do the exercises I suggest you to do outside
and instead of doing this
you go to the next videos and watch them until the end
and you don't do the exercises
well, it's useless: you're wasting your time!
you're wasating your time listening to things that won't help you
so you'll have a perfectly useless knowledge: it's as you read a book
while if you apply all this
you'll start licence driving
so today and in the next chapter, we'll learn the representational systems
well, to make this unconscious you'll have to apply it over and over again
and apply it n tims, just like when you learn how to drive your car you had to drive and drive and drive...
first, you learned how to make the gear change unconscious,
then you learned how to make clutch unconscious,
then the indicators, so little by little, you turned conscious behaviours into unconscious ones
but you had to do n drives
these n drives are nothing but many, many, many exercises
and it's important that you go to the next exercise
or to the next chapter only when you became perfectly able
to apply what I am going to learn you in the pervious chapter.
Because if you didn't become able, if you didn't understand it, it doesn't become automatic to you
I'll add you some things in the next chapter
so you'll have to do the first one and then the next one
and it will always be more elaborate
for a simple reason: because the conscious mind is limited
so you can't handle more than a given number of information in an only moment
that's why it is divided into chapters, and that's why it's made in batches
I won't give you the whole course in one body
because I already know that probably, many of those who will watch it
could watch it all together
and they would learn nothing.
sincerely, if I have to simple give something that is the same thing as writing a book
that you read and then you put it away
I wouldn't even have wasted my time
my goal is creating something different
something that could help you and the others
so in this perspective, I give you this quality, too: you have to learn as soon as possible
to consciously apply everything I will teach you
and most of all to become at the end of the path
and at the end of your experience a mere juggler with words
so you'll learn to say little,
remember: two eyes, two ears, one mouth
so you speak once but when you speak you do it in precise and definite and incisive way
the last wualities are the ability... as we go on,
as you discover given techniques
and functioning methods of your mind...
the ability to understand and become aware of the powers soothed in our mind
to realize that actually we can do much more than what we have been taught by far
but why do you do this?
first of all, for our part, because we can
eliminate all the outside conditioning, that is
we don't have to give nobody any more, outisde of us
be it an event, an environment, a person, a boss, a partner,
a mother, a father, we don't have to any of them
the power to act and interfere on our mood
and on our choices and actions
what we don't have today
because normally everyone has
something resonating that somehow releases, that influences them
sometimes, they are so unconscious that we are sure to do make the best choice for us
then we discover we choose to do this because we don't want to feel guilty towards our parents
or we do that because otherwise our girlfriend breaks up with us
so there are a range of filters put during our life
that somehow limit our free will.
here's one of the most important quailities, and it's the first you have to achieve,
is setting us free, understandin us first of all,
so we have to observe ourselves, to know how to observe, to know how listen,
how to understand what our map is and be able to change it according to our actual goals.
after we'll have learned to understand ours, it will be easier
to understand the others' ones, because you won't have to apply the things I taught you in some videos
but simply you'll apply on the others what you did to you
with a confidence level much different from the one you can have after watching a video.
Now, after this video, you could tell someone what you learned
but when you do it, when you experience it and when you solved your problems
you are telling anymore what someone else told you
you are telling your experience where nobody can interfere
nobody can interrupt, nobody can object,
because it's your experience. it's like this.
that's why when often I asked what I do I don't consider myself to be a coach but a storyteller
because I do nothing but telling my experience
so i suggest you to create your own experience with all this first of all,
then, only then, use it on the other goals you'll want.
helping or anything else.
After this, we can end this second chapter
now you know what the communication preconditions are
what the qualities to have are
we can go to the third chapter.
also in this case, in this second opening chapter
there's no specific exercises
but now you are ready to go to the third chapter
where we'll learn how our mind
processes the information
and therefore we'll understand in the next chapter
how since the beginning of time, since the beginning of your life
since the beginning of your conception, your mind,
which was a mouldable sponge,
has started to create those filters that today has become
what we normally call "character"
but we know very well that it is nothing but a range of interpretations
of given experiences influenced by different things.
Now I want to thank you for your attention
during this second chapter and see you at the chapter number three!