[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.05,0:00:07.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Part 4:\NQuestions & Expressing\Nand Receiving Gratitude
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.26,0:00:11.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This morning you made\Na reference to giraffe mourning,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:11.82,0:00:15.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that there's a different way of\Nsaying you're sorry to someone,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.37,0:00:17.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I wanted to\Nhear what that was.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:17.70,0:00:21.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Ok. Let's real quick look at what\NI mean by "giraffe mourning".
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.23,0:00:23.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Think of something you did
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.93,0:00:27.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you wished you hadn't done.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:27.46,0:00:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.56,0:00:34.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And identify...recall as best as\Nyou can how you talked to yourself,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.99,0:00:38.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you said it or did it,\Nwhatever you did.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.22,0:00:44.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, what did you do that you wished\Nyou hadn't done after you'd done it?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.04,0:00:50.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And give me a sample of what you\Nsaid to yourself when you did it.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:51.90,0:00:56.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You have one in mind?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.31,0:01:01.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Ok.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:02.60,0:01:07.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That I was feeling defensive,\Nand I criticized someone.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:07.29,0:01:10.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- So, what you did is
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.35,0:01:14.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you said some things to another person\Nthat you wished you hadn't done.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.87,0:01:19.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Right. - Ok. And what did you say to\Nyourself when you did that?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.90,0:01:23.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Usually, in the moment\NI feel defensive with myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.20,0:01:28.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- No, I want to concretely know...\Nfor this exercise I need to know concretely
Dialogue: 0,0:01:28.30,0:01:32.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what you say to yourself when you\Nbehave in a way you don't like.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:32.52,0:01:36.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is very important to answer\Nyour question about giraffe mourning,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.03,0:01:43.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,very important to identify what\Nyour inner educator is saying to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.83,0:01:47.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See this?\NAll of us have an inner educator,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:47.56,0:01:52.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whose function is to educate us\Nwhen we are less than perfect.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.04,0:01:58.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, most of us made the mistake\Nof sending our inner educator off
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.56,0:02:03.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to a brutal jackal academy\Nfor inner educators.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.80,0:02:08.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so, it's important to be conscious
Dialogue: 0,0:02:08.45,0:02:12.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of how our inner educator talks to us.\NSo that's what I'm asking you.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.42,0:02:17.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you said what you did to your husband, \Nwhat did your inner educator...
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.40,0:02:20.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how did your inner educator\Ntry to educate you?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.12,0:02:22.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What did it say to you \Nabout what you had done?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.88,0:02:26.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- In the moment or later? - Either one.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.40,0:02:31.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Well, the point when I've start\Nto feel regret or sorry is later.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.54,0:02:34.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- At any point, what did you say to\Nyourself about what you had done?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.99,0:02:37.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Ok. I said I'm a bad person...
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.82,0:02:41.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Now, that's enough.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.42,0:02:46.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your inner educator tries to\Neducate you through penitence.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:47.86,0:02:51.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Through making you hate yourself\Nfor what you've done.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:51.82,0:02:56.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It uses language that implies there's\Nsuch a thing as a bad person.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.58,0:03:02.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All right. Now, if you apologize\Nout of that energy, that's jackal.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.09,0:03:07.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Any apology that comes out of thinking\Nyou did something wrong
Dialogue: 0,0:03:07.78,0:03:11.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not going to be good for you \Nor the other person.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.57,0:03:14.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You with me so far?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.34,0:03:17.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- I know it feels bad. - Yeah. It feels bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.77,0:03:20.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I really want you to\Nfeel bad in this situation,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.82,0:03:23.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I want you to feel sweet bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.83,0:03:29.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A sweet bad that will help you learn\Nfrom this without hating yourself.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.21,0:03:33.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you have a thought in your head that\Nyou're a bad person, that's ugly bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.82,0:03:36.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's a punitive bad.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.41,0:03:39.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That will first\Nmake it hard to learn.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.00,0:03:42.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And even if you do learn,\Nit's out of self-hatred,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.51,0:03:46.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so whatever changes you make\Nare at great cost.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.57,0:03:48.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, that's your inner educator.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.78,0:03:51.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was your inner\Neducator speaking to you
Dialogue: 0,0:03:51.12,0:03:53.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when it said you're a bad person.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.89,0:03:56.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, we've been learning today
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.71,0:04:00.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that all judgements are\Nexpressions of needs, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.44,0:04:03.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, your inner educator means well.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:03.13,0:04:06.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It really means well. \NIt wants you to learn from this
Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.79,0:04:09.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a way that will serve life.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:09.78,0:04:14.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It means well, \Nit's just its language that sucks. Ok?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.34,0:04:18.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we don't want to hear what the\Ninner educator thinks about us.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.95,0:04:21.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We want to hear the need\Nthat isn't getting met,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:21.46,0:04:24.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it's trying to call\Nto our attention.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.83,0:04:28.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, what need is your inner educator\Ntrying to bring to your attention
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.61,0:04:32.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you didn't meet\Nby how you behaved?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.87,0:04:40.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Aaah... a need to...
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.10,0:04:46.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,...be in a relationship\Nwith the other person?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.68,0:04:49.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- A need...in what kind of relationship?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:49.31,0:04:52.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- A mutual understanding, respectful? \N- Right.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.32,0:04:57.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it didn't meet your need for respecting\Nand understanding the other person.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.84,0:05:02.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yeah. - And how do you feel\Nwhen that need isn't met?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:07.47,0:05:11.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Guilty. - Then you still got the bad person\Nimage in mind. See?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.41,0:05:15.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You still think you're a bad... \Nif there's anything still going on,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:15.33,0:05:17.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that guilt comes from the judgement.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.61,0:05:19.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Well, I feel separate and isolated.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.07,0:05:22.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But how do you feel?\NWhat emotion do you feel about
Dialogue: 0,0:05:22.34,0:05:24.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not meeting your own needs
Dialogue: 0,0:05:24.94,0:05:27.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for understanding and respecting?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.10,0:05:31.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See, the guilt comes from that\Nimage of a bad person.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.15,0:05:33.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What feeling comes from\Nnot meeting your need
Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.05,0:05:38.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to respond toward this person with\Nrespect and understanding?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.65,0:05:39.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Sad.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:40.06,0:05:42.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- That's a sweet pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.64,0:05:45.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's giraffe mourning.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.87,0:05:47.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, if you say to the person
Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.81,0:05:51.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"The way I talk\Nto you, I feel really sad.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.40,0:05:56.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't meet my need for respecting\Nyou and understanding you".
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.83,0:06:03.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You see? There's no image in\Nthere that I'm a bad person.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.31,0:06:04.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm sad.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:05.10,0:06:09.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I didn't meet my own need for respecting\Nand understanding you.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:10.36,0:06:14.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Check with the other person\Nwhat they'd rather hear.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.71,0:06:17.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whether they'd rather hear\Nthe giraffe mourning,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.19,0:06:20.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or the apology that you're\Na bad person.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.12,0:06:24.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:25.34,0:06:28.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- I'm having a little problem\Ntrying to find the teeth
Dialogue: 0,0:06:28.80,0:06:31.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in this model somehow.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:32.03,0:06:35.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It seems like everything is... even though\Nwe're talking as on a feeling level,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.91,0:06:38.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,everything seems...\Ni'm interpreting, anyway...
Dialogue: 0,0:06:38.76,0:06:43.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is sort of on a mental level\Nas opposed to an emotional level,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.37,0:06:46.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I guess I operate a lot\Nfrom my gut,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:46.39,0:06:49.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm trying to get down\Nto that somehow.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.12,0:06:52.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I need some help with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:52.71,0:06:55.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Basically, tell me how
Dialogue: 0,0:06:55.39,0:06:59.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would be able to use this\Ntechnique in my daily life.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.73,0:07:06.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make it not... well,\Nso that it's natural, you know?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.71,0:07:08.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not natural for me\Nto operate this way.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.98,0:07:12.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- The first thing I would recommend to you
Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.36,0:07:14.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is change the word\N"natural" to "habitual".
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.43,0:07:18.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Do what?\N- Change the word "natural" to "habitual".
Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.11,0:07:21.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think this process is natural,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.39,0:07:24.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,more natural than the way\Nyou were trained to think.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.34,0:07:27.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, Gandhi says "It's very dangerous\Nto mix up the words
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.49,0:07:29.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'natural' and 'habitual'".
Dialogue: 0,0:07:29.73,0:07:33.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He says "We have been trained to be\Nquite habitual at communicating
Dialogue: 0,0:07:33.14,0:07:36.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in ways that are quite unnatural".
Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.52,0:07:41.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, I can't think of a more natural\Nway to communicate
Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.35,0:07:44.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than to talk about\Nwhat's alive in us.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:44.18,0:07:46.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just what we're\Nfeeling and needing.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:46.48,0:07:50.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- When you feel like saying...if I feel like saying "no",
Dialogue: 0,0:07:50.15,0:07:54.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,saying "no" seems ok to me,\Nbut what you were saying before is that...
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.21,0:07:57.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- What do you mean by "ok" in\N"It's ok to say 'no'"?
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.100,0:08:01.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- What do you mean by what do I mean?\NWe could go back and forth.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.62,0:08:04.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Pardon? - We can go back and forth by\Nasking each other...
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.36,0:08:07.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yes, so let me be more specific.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.86,0:08:10.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you say "no",
Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.16,0:08:14.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I predict that by saying "no",
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.21,0:08:19.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,more often than you would like\Nthe other person is going to react to you
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.12,0:08:22.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a way that isn't in your best interest.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.97,0:08:29.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if you say the need behind the "no", \Nthat's less likely to happen.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:29.15,0:08:31.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- So, then, if I understand\Nwhat you're saying,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.67,0:08:35.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're trying to...the idea is to\Ncommunicate in a way that
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.94,0:08:38.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the other person would\Ncommunicate back to you,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.31,0:08:40.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so that it's in my best interest?
Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.84,0:08:45.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- I'm saying the purpose of this process is\Nto get everybody's needs met,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.46,0:08:48.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that the needs are met\Nby people giving willingly,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.50,0:08:51.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not out of any coercive motivation.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:52.43,0:08:55.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm saying that when you say "no", \Nit gets in the way of
Dialogue: 0,0:08:55.97,0:09:01.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the likelihood that everybody's needs\Nare going to end up getting met.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.14,0:09:05.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you say the need that keeps\Nyou from saying "yes",
Dialogue: 0,0:09:05.63,0:09:10.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I predict there's more likelihood that\Neverybody's needs will end up getting met.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.12,0:09:16.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- If I understand\Nwhat you're saying,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:16.70,0:09:20.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're saying: "Just express your\Nneeds without saying the 'no'."
Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.52,0:09:26.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- I'm saying the need is a clearer expression\Nof what you're trying to say than "no".
Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.62,0:09:29.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You get clearer and more\Nconnected to life
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.99,0:09:32.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you say the need that\Nkeeps you from saying "yes"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.81,0:09:34.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than just saying "no".
Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.06,0:09:38.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's less likely to be\Ninterpreted as a rejection,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:38.64,0:09:41.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as you being defensive...
Dialogue: 0,0:09:41.65,0:09:44.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To just say the "no"\Nby itself, I predict
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.54,0:09:48.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is more likely to get you interpretations\Nthat aren't in your best interest.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.77,0:09:51.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Sometimes when I don't hear a "no"
Dialogue: 0,0:09:51.68,0:09:55.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I look at it as being sort of a\Npassive aggressive response
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.46,0:09:59.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to something that I might want.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.66,0:10:03.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Someone... for example if I make an appointment\Nwith somebody
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.70,0:10:06.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and instead of them saying "no",\Nthey just don't show up.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:06.72,0:10:09.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then they give me a reason\Nwhy they don't show up.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.35,0:10:12.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yes. I'm not suggesting that.\NI'm not suggesting that response.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.12,0:10:16.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm suggesting that I would have\Nliked that person
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.37,0:10:19.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to have told you honestly at the time\Nwhat their need was.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.03,0:10:24.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think if they had done that you wouldn't\Nhave gotten into that situation.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.00,0:10:28.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They said a "yes" that wasn't so.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.35,0:10:31.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Some people won't say "I'm afraid".\N- Pardon me?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.96,0:10:34.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Let's say if the reason is\Nthat they are afraid to.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.60,0:10:37.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- That would depend a lot on what\Nhas happened in the past to them
Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.92,0:10:42.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when they have said "no"\Nin whatever way they did it.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:43.21,0:10:48.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If they have not enjoyed very\Nempathic responses to it in the past,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.83,0:10:52.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then they're probably afraid to\Nbe honest about it now.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:52.76,0:10:55.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- I see the value in all this. \NI really do.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.100,0:10:59.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I guess it's the idea that it's\Na touchy-feely type of thing
Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.38,0:11:01.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I'm not used to working around.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:01.57,0:11:03.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- What you're trying to figure out,\Nif I'm understanding,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.69,0:11:05.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is how to really put this into a
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.07,0:11:09.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,idiom that you can use daily and\Nfeels comfortable to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:09.17,0:11:11.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- That's one way of putting it.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:11.87,0:11:13.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- And so, in our training,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.48,0:11:17.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we first show people how\Nto develop the literacy
Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.37,0:11:23.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then how to put it into their\Nregular language.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.68,0:11:26.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I had a student traveling with me,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:26.48,0:11:30.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he wanted to give me gratitude. Ok?
Dialogue: 0,0:11:31.09,0:11:35.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He liked something I did.\NI was really working the group hard.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:35.30,0:11:38.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And during the break, he said "dictator".
Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.97,0:11:42.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That was giraffe,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.04,0:11:47.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because he knew that I knew\Nwhat he was reacting to.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:47.36,0:11:49.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He knew i wouldn't hear a judgement.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.27,0:11:52.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He knew that I would guess in there\Nwhat he was feeling and needing.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:52.74,0:11:55.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So he could say that to me: "Dictator!"
Dialogue: 0,0:11:55.87,0:11:58.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, after we really know how to\Nclearly identify
Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.61,0:12:00.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our feelings, needs, requests,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.05,0:12:03.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we can start to put it into a language
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.58,0:12:06.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that can connect us with people\Nwe're speaking with.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:06.89,0:12:10.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in this stage of the day,\Nafter one day,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.20,0:12:12.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm still working with you on\Nmaking sure you understand
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.02,0:12:16.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what a feeling and a need is, because\Nif you don't really understand that,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:16.64,0:12:20.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's going to be hard to know how\Nto then put it into your idiom.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:20.13,0:12:23.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- I guess I'm a recovering\NNew York jackal.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.31,0:12:25.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.21,0:12:29.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm getting the impression that
Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.24,0:12:31.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,apology isn't really
Dialogue: 0,0:12:32.75,0:12:35.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the best service of being a giraffe.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:35.56,0:12:37.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd like to know if\Nyou could model...
Dialogue: 0,0:12:38.01,0:12:40.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd like to see you model for me
Dialogue: 0,0:12:41.11,0:12:45.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an acknowledgement of\Nmissing the mark,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:45.19,0:12:46.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sinning courageously...
Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.80,0:12:49.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- If you recall earlier,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:49.33,0:12:53.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I showed an example of that where\NI showed the person saying
Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.23,0:12:55.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I feel sad.\NI would've liked
Dialogue: 0,0:12:55.54,0:12:58.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to have responded with more\Nunderstanding than I did".
Dialogue: 0,0:12:59.13,0:13:01.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- So you're not using the words "I'm sorry".\NYou're saying "I'm sad".
Dialogue: 0,0:13:02.06,0:13:04.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's not so much the words\N"I'm sorry".
Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.28,0:13:07.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What we shifted from \Nwas thinking that I did something wrong
Dialogue: 0,0:13:07.82,0:13:11.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it was bad.\NIt's that thinking that is the problem,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.55,0:13:14.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the "I'm sorry" follows\Nfrom that thinking.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:14.88,0:13:18.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it's not just that I don't say "I'm sorry",\NI say "I'm sad", if I'm sad.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.95,0:13:21.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The words "I'm sorry"\Nmean almost nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.36,0:13:24.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People can say that and\Nnot feel anything.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.97,0:13:28.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You say that to buy forgiveness.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.84,0:13:33.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, if I'm feeling sad, I say that.\N"I'm feeling sad. I would have liked to
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.78,0:13:36.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,have been more aware of your\Nneeds" for example
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.49,0:13:39.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where I didn't take the person's\Nneeds into consideration.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.40,0:13:43.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I don't say\N"I'm sorry, that was inconsiderate of me".
Dialogue: 0,0:13:43.55,0:13:46.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's no self-blame.\NI didn't do anything wrong.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.02,0:13:50.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is no such thing as\Ndoing anything wrong.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:50.77,0:13:55.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What I did was not in harmony\Nwith my needs. I want to mourn that.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.61,0:13:58.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm sad. I would've liked to have\Nbeen more aware of your needs".
Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.02,0:14:03.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Something like that. Does that give you the example?\N- Very much so. Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.59,0:14:07.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- I have a question.\NOver here. To your left.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.98,0:14:13.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have a situation with my\Nintimate partner
Dialogue: 0,0:14:13.54,0:14:17.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that many times we get together\Nand we argue a lot,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:17.43,0:14:20.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I have this need
Dialogue: 0,0:14:21.94,0:14:24.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you were saying earlier\Nis inappropriate:
Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.49,0:14:26.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I want her to be happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:26.73,0:14:29.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- I didn't say it's inappropriate.\NI said it was undoable.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:29.91,0:14:33.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- OK. Right.\NThat's what she keeps telling me.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:36.82,0:14:41.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- If you're going to tell me to be happy,\Ntell me the action to get there.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:42.38,0:14:44.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That I can do.\NIf you tell me an action
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.98,0:14:47.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which you predict that if I do that,\NI'll be happy at the end,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.02,0:14:51.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that would be helpful. Tell me the action.\NDon't just tell me to be happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:51.63,0:14:54.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't tell me to have\Nconfidence in myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:54.34,0:14:58.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tell me what you would like me\Nto do to feel that confidence.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.20,0:15:01.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The action will get me there,\Nbut just telling me what to feel
Dialogue: 0,0:15:01.48,0:15:04.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,puts me into a paradoxical bind.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:04.99,0:15:06.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Ok.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:07.46,0:15:10.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One of the other things would be that
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.43,0:15:15.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we get together,\NI don't necessarily want to be
Dialogue: 0,0:15:15.45,0:15:19.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,going somewhere with her, if\Nshe's not in a good mood at that time
Dialogue: 0,0:15:19.60,0:15:21.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or if there's some kind of tenseness...
Dialogue: 0,0:15:21.90,0:15:26.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Then empathize with why I'm not in a\Ngood mood and I'll be in one.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.06,0:15:29.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But telling me that I got\Nto be in a better mood
Dialogue: 0,0:15:29.77,0:15:33.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for you to want to go with me\Ngets me in a worse mood.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:36.60,0:15:37.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Ok.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:42.55,0:15:46.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- I'm wondering if there are\Nsome times when...
Dialogue: 0,0:15:46.29,0:15:48.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Over here.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:48.89,0:15:54.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm feeling some anxiety about a trip\NI'm planning to visit my mother soon
Dialogue: 0,0:15:54.47,0:15:58.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we have a dynamic where she\Nreally wants to help me
Dialogue: 0,0:15:58.26,0:16:01.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,figure out every detail of\Nwhat I'm doing during my stay,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:01.99,0:16:05.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'd like to be left alone.\N- So, let me show you how to do it.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.69,0:16:08.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- And I'm afraid that if I\Ntalk to her like this,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.62,0:16:11.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's going to make matters much worse.\N- Ok. Then we'll teach you how...
Dialogue: 0,0:16:11.81,0:16:15.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If it does, we'll show you how to\Nenjoy it when it gets worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:17.35,0:16:20.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But first, let me show you the\Nfirst thing to do
Dialogue: 0,0:16:20.47,0:16:25.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we want a person to consider another\Nbehaviour than the one they're doing,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:25.40,0:16:27.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,start the communication\Nby showing them that
Dialogue: 0,0:16:28.04,0:16:32.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what they're doing is the most precious\Nthing they could be doing.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:32.78,0:16:35.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This way: empathy.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:35.34,0:16:40.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Start by empathizing with mother's\Nintent in behaving as she does.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:40.44,0:16:43.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Mother, I'm guessing that when\Nyou jump in and want to
Dialogue: 0,0:16:43.63,0:16:46.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,show me all the things\Nthat could be done,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:46.23,0:16:49.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you really care a lot about my\Nenjoying myself on this trip
Dialogue: 0,0:16:49.38,0:16:51.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and want to be sure you support that.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:51.49,0:16:53.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Oh, yes, yes, blรก, blรก...
Dialogue: 0,0:16:53.58,0:16:57.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yeah, so,\Nit's really very important to you that
Dialogue: 0,0:16:57.58,0:17:00.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have a good time and you want\Nto contribute to it.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:00.76,0:17:02.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yeah."
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.96,0:17:04.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's step one.\NSee what I mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:04.64,0:17:08.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what I mean by starting by\Nshowing you understand.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:08.65,0:17:11.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the more we're concerned\Nabout that behaviour,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:11.25,0:17:14.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the more important it is to\Nstart with this.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:14.57,0:17:16.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See? That's why \Nwhen I work in prisons,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.66,0:17:20.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and this person has been sexualy\Nmolesting people, or raping people,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:20.34,0:17:24.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if I would like this person to find\Nanother way of behaving,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:24.73,0:17:29.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the first thing I got to do is make sure they\Ndon't hate themselves for what they're doing.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.17,0:17:33.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The more they hate themselves for what they're\Ndoing, the more they'll continue doing it.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:33.99,0:17:38.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I start by empathizing\Nwith what their needs are, in doing it.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:39.27,0:17:42.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ok. So, you got that step.\NThe next step...
Dialogue: 0,0:17:42.89,0:17:46.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What we started off the day with...\NI'd tell honestly how I feel.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:46.69,0:17:51.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Mom, I feel torn right now because\NI'm grateful for your intent.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:51.32,0:17:54.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But... I really have a need to kind of make\Nmy own choices here,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:55.12,0:17:58.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I think it would be very hard\Nfor anybody else to really know what I need
Dialogue: 0,0:17:58.63,0:18:01.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I need this space\Nto figure it out for myself.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:01.76,0:18:04.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, would you tell me what you\Nheard me say, mother,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:04.57,0:18:07.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so I can see if I'm making\Nmyself clear?"
Dialogue: 0,0:18:09.55,0:18:12.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:18:16.63,0:18:19.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So now I know mother\Ndidn't hear me.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:19.48,0:18:22.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I know mother\Ndidn't hear my needs.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:22.27,0:18:24.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She probably heard a rejection.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:24.100,0:18:27.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She probably heard that\Nshe's not valued.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:28.08,0:18:33.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it's important that I not think that her\Nreaction is because of what I said.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:34.28,0:18:36.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I express my feelings and needs,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:36.89,0:18:40.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it would be impossible for a person to\Nreact this way, if they heard it.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:40.44,0:18:42.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They would've gotten a gift.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:42.52,0:18:47.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They would have the eyes of a little child\Ngetting a gift from Santa Claus.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:47.42,0:18:50.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That doesn't look like what mother's\Nlooking like right now.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:50.93,0:18:54.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So, mom, could you tell me what\Nyou just heard me say?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:54.80,0:18:56.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- You don't want me.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:58.29,0:19:01.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- So, you heard it as a kind\Nof a rejection, mother?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:01.13,0:19:03.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Of course. How else could\NI have heard it?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:04.60,0:19:07.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Well, thank you for telling me you\Nheard it as a rejection, mother."
Dialogue: 0,0:19:08.01,0:19:11.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Notice I didn't say\N"that isn't what I said".
Dialogue: 0,0:19:12.45,0:19:13.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:13.78,0:19:17.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you want to have people\Nunderstand you differently,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:17.51,0:19:20.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,never tell them\N"you're misunderstanding me".
Dialogue: 0,0:19:21.55,0:19:24.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Never say\N"That isn't what I said".
Dialogue: 0,0:19:24.63,0:19:27.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Say "Thank you for telling me\Nthat's what you heard.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:28.09,0:19:32.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can see I didn't make myself clear.\NI'd like to try again, mother,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:32.56,0:19:35.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I do value very much, \Nyour offering to help,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:35.70,0:19:40.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I have a need to kind of get my own\Nneeds clear and structure my own time.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:40.98,0:19:44.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can you tell me what you heard me say?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:45.12,0:19:49.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- So you think I don't have any\Nintelligence about helping you.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:49.45,0:19:52.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Thank you for telling me that's what\Nyou're hearing, mother.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:52.56,0:19:54.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd like for you to hear\Nit differently.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:55.01,0:19:57.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd like you just to hear my needs.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:57.40,0:20:02.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That I have a real need to kind of sort things\Nout for myself, and structure my own time.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:02.56,0:20:05.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Could you tell me what you heard?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:06.83,0:20:11.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- You have a need to kind of get clear for yourself\Nwhat you want and to figure things out.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:11.82,0:20:13.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Thank you mother."
Dialogue: 0,0:20:13.49,0:20:16.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See how easy it is to get empathy\Nfrom a jackal? Just about
Dialogue: 0,0:20:16.68,0:20:19.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,3 ear pulls, and I got it.\NRight?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:22.16,0:20:25.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, there are some 8-pull\Njackals, too, I know that.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:25.86,0:20:30.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I can tell from how sweet you are\Nyour mother is a 3-pull jackal.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:30.64,0:20:31.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:31.92,0:20:36.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Laughter]
Dialogue: 0,0:20:37.84,0:20:39.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yes...
Dialogue: 0,0:20:39.90,0:20:43.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- You mentioned earlier this morning\Nabout enjoying suffering.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:43.62,0:20:45.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Could you elaborate on that?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:45.54,0:20:49.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Oh yes. That's very important.\NThank you for getting back to me about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:49.22,0:20:52.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ok. A friend of yours says this to you:
Dialogue: 0,0:20:54.70,0:20:57.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm a nothing.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:58.82,0:21:03.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'll never amount to anything.\NLook, I'm an assistant clerk at age 45.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:04.78,0:21:07.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My brother's the head of his company,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:07.53,0:21:10.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my sister's a top attorney,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:10.59,0:21:12.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I'm nothing."
Dialogue: 0,0:21:12.74,0:21:14.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ok?
Dialogue: 0,0:21:15.44,0:21:17.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, to enjoy this person's suffering,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:17.81,0:21:22.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we have to release ourselves\Nfrom 2 kinds of responsibility.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:23.32,0:21:26.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First, that we didn't cause the pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:27.36,0:21:29.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we want to release ourselves from that,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:29.91,0:21:33.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,especially when the other person's trying\Nto make us believe we did cause the pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:33.97,0:21:38.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if this person had started "and you're\Nat fault for all of this why I'm a nothing."
Dialogue: 0,0:21:39.07,0:21:41.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Especially when a person says that,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:41.26,0:21:44.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we do not want to in any way think\Nthat we caused this person's pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:45.07,0:21:49.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because you can't cause another person's \Npsychological pain.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:50.38,0:21:54.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Well, in this case, the person wasn't\Nsaying that so that's pretty easy to
Dialogue: 0,0:21:54.68,0:21:56.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,liberate ourself from\Nfeeling responsible,
Dialogue: 0,0:21:57.07,0:22:00.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the second one is the hard one.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:01.47,0:22:03.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To think we have to fix it.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:03.81,0:22:06.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To make the person feel better.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:06.54,0:22:10.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The more we think it's our job\Nto make a person feel better,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:10.51,0:22:13.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the more we're going\Nto make it worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:13.51,0:22:16.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because you can't fix people.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:16.68,0:22:18.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The good news is you don't have to.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:19.05,0:22:24.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is a very powerful healing\Nenergy always available
Dialogue: 0,0:22:24.30,0:22:27.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we don't block it.\NAnd how do we block that energy?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:28.07,0:22:31.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By trying to fix things ourselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:32.54,0:22:35.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, how do we help that\Nenergy to do the job?
Dialogue: 0,0:22:35.91,0:22:38.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,By empathy.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:38.29,0:22:42.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Empathy requires presence,\Njust to be present.
Dialogue: 0,0:22:42.73,0:22:46.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we are just present, when we are\Nremembering the Buddha's advice
Dialogue: 0,0:22:47.07,0:22:50.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"don't do something. Stand there."
Dialogue: 0,0:22:51.92,0:22:56.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we do that, and that\Nenergy works through us,
Dialogue: 0,0:22:56.60,0:23:01.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there is a precious connection\Nbetween that person and us.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:02.60,0:23:05.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that precious connection is what\Ni mean by enjoying the pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:05.88,0:23:08.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to enjoy that precious connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:08.64,0:23:13.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And whether this person's\Nfeeling joy or pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:13.16,0:23:16.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we are present there with them,
Dialogue: 0,0:23:16.50,0:23:18.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that's what I mean.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:19.31,0:23:24.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we block that beautiful energy whenever\Nwe step in and think we have to fix things.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:25.06,0:23:29.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, if we say "there, there, there. You'll feel\Nbetter. You'll get over it" we make it worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:30.02,0:23:34.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we start to give advice,\Nwe make it worse.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:34.19,0:23:36.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, what does that look like?
Dialogue: 0,0:23:36.78,0:23:40.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So, you're feeling really discouraged\Nand really would like
Dialogue: 0,0:23:40.85,0:23:43.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to have achieved more in your life\Nat this moment than you've done.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:43.86,0:23:46.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yes, yes, I've had every opportunity,\Nand look at me.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:46.95,0:23:50.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've just never made\Nuse of anything.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:50.47,0:23:53.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yeah, so you're really discouraged\Nand frustrated, and
Dialogue: 0,0:23:53.92,0:23:58.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,would really liked to have made different\Nuse of some things than you have.
Dialogue: 0,0:23:58.37,0:23:59.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yeah."
Dialogue: 0,0:23:59.60,0:24:01.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See, I'm just present.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:01.98,0:24:03.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not trying to fix it.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:03.98,0:24:07.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when that happens, there's\Na very precious connection.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:07.45,0:24:09.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's what I mean by enjoyment.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:09.98,0:24:12.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that precious connection\Ndoes the healing.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:12.32,0:24:15.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Not your advice, \Nnot your whatever.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:15.38,0:24:17.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yes...
Dialogue: 0,0:24:17.36,0:24:21.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Can you clarify the distinction\Nbetween empathizing,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:21.66,0:24:26.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and sort of encouraging and supporting\Nthe soap opera of,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:26.24,0:24:29.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you know, somebody who is...
Dialogue: 0,0:24:31.72,0:24:35.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somebody who's suffering,\Nand sometimes by being there,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:35.72,0:24:40.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's sort of a subtle encouragement, \Nas opposed to...
Dialogue: 0,0:24:41.23,0:24:44.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- The subtle encouragement that\NI think you're talking about
Dialogue: 0,0:24:44.53,0:24:47.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,comes about when this person is talking\Nabout what happened to them,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:48.09,0:24:51.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the 50th time you've\Nheard the story.
Dialogue: 0,0:24:51.16,0:24:53.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, if I'm really listening to them,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:53.58,0:24:56.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't hear what they talk\Nabout the past,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:56.37,0:24:58.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I know that the more\Nthey talk about the past,
Dialogue: 0,0:24:58.88,0:25:01.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the less healing will take place.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:01.80,0:25:03.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I interrupt.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:04.02,0:25:07.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I interrupt to bring the\Nconversation to life.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:07.96,0:25:10.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They're talking about the past,\Nand I interrupt and I say
Dialogue: 0,0:25:10.56,0:25:14.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"excuse me, but it sounds like right\Nnow you're still feeling hurt,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:14.82,0:25:19.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because your need for respect\Nwasn't met in that".
Dialogue: 0,0:25:19.36,0:25:22.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See? Because just letting them\Ntalk about the past
Dialogue: 0,0:25:22.40,0:25:25.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and asking them questions about\Nwhat happened about the past
Dialogue: 0,0:25:25.91,0:25:28.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to just keep the soap\Nopera going.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:28.56,0:25:30.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I interrupt when they talk\Nabout the past
Dialogue: 0,0:25:31.06,0:25:34.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because we don't heal by\Ntalking about the past.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:34.74,0:25:37.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we heal by talking about what's\Nalive in us right now,
Dialogue: 0,0:25:38.05,0:25:42.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,stimulated by the past,\Nbut it's what is here now
Dialogue: 0,0:25:42.57,0:25:46.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and when I connect at that level\Nthey won't keep talking about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:46.52,0:25:48.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They'll heal.
Dialogue: 0,0:25:49.23,0:25:52.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Last question and then\NI'm going to get into
Dialogue: 0,0:25:52.33,0:25:56.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the subject that I'd like to cover\Nbefore the end. Yes?
Dialogue: 0,0:26:00.18,0:26:04.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- You talk about having... let's see...
Dialogue: 0,0:26:04.40,0:26:07.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if someone else cannot cause\Nour emotional pain...
Dialogue: 0,0:26:08.07,0:26:11.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- That's right.\N- ...and I think about
Dialogue: 0,0:26:11.79,0:26:16.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the abuse that I grew up with and\Nthat I see in a lot of families
Dialogue: 0,0:26:17.00,0:26:20.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the suffering that I've experienced\Nthroughout my life,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:21.04,0:26:23.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,through my recovery and all that,...
Dialogue: 0,0:26:23.33,0:26:26.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- And other people were a stimulus\Nfor your suffering
Dialogue: 0,0:26:26.80,0:26:30.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you were a participant\Nby how you dealt with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:31.14,0:26:36.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For example, if you follow me in my work\Nyou would see this very clearly.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:38.13,0:26:41.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In places like Rwanda, Burundi,\NSierra Leone,
Dialogue: 0,0:26:41.95,0:26:45.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm working with people that\Nhad their families killed.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:45.27,0:26:48.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of those people have such rage
Dialogue: 0,0:26:48.32,0:26:53.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that all they live for, moment by moment\Nis the possibility of vengeance.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:53.85,0:26:56.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Others have no anger,\Nhave never had anger.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:56.58,0:26:58.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Same exact stimulus.
Dialogue: 0,0:26:58.76,0:27:02.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They have deep feelings,\Nbut not rage.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:02.59,0:27:06.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it is not the stimulus that determines\Nhow our emocional reaction is.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:07.11,0:27:09.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That part is up to us.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:10.56,0:27:16.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I work with some women, \Nunfortunately a lot, who have been raped.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:17.71,0:27:21.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And some of them feel shame,\Ndeep shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:22.11,0:27:26.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,some feel rage,\Nsome feel other things.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:26.68,0:27:29.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the same stimulus
Dialogue: 0,0:27:30.10,0:27:35.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,depends how people take it whether they\Nfeel shame, rage or other things.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:35.88,0:27:39.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm working with a women from\NRwanda who had...
Dialogue: 0,0:27:39.38,0:27:42.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she heard her three children being\Nkilled because she got
Dialogue: 0,0:27:42.33,0:27:45.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to underneath the sink, hid underneath\Nthe sink in time,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:45.64,0:27:49.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the children didn't make it to the hiding place\Nin time, they got killed, she heard them,
Dialogue: 0,0:27:49.20,0:27:52.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she heard her husband being killed\Nand her brother.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:52.38,0:27:55.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She had to stay underneath there\N11 days to save her own life
Dialogue: 0,0:27:55.31,0:27:58.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they stayed in the house\Nafter they killed the family.
Dialogue: 0,0:27:59.64,0:28:02.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This woman has deep feelings,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:02.55,0:28:06.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but never once she had the kind of anger\Nthat makes her want to get vengeance.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:06.76,0:28:10.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She has put all of her feelings and\Nlots of them into protecting...
Dialogue: 0,0:28:10.56,0:28:14.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,preventing this happening\Nto anybody else. You see?
Dialogue: 0,0:28:14.38,0:28:17.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So the way she looked at it\Nleads her to want to
Dialogue: 0,0:28:17.64,0:28:21.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,prevent this happening to anybody else.\NShe came to my workshop
Dialogue: 0,0:28:21.53,0:28:24.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because she wanted to know how\Nto deal with the rage towards her
Dialogue: 0,0:28:24.34,0:28:28.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from other people in her tribe\Nwho are furious with her
Dialogue: 0,0:28:28.65,0:28:33.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that she won't join their efforts\Nto kill the other people.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:33.59,0:28:37.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Same stimulus,\Nquite different reactions.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:37.54,0:28:39.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Ok, so I had this stimulus
Dialogue: 0,0:28:39.94,0:28:42.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and somewhere I learned\Nhow to deal with it
Dialogue: 0,0:28:42.70,0:28:45.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the way that I had dealt with it\Nand I'm learning to change that now.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:45.98,0:28:49.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yes. The worst thing of course would be no\Nmatter how you did choose to deal with it
Dialogue: 0,0:28:49.94,0:28:53.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to think that there is something wrong\Nwith how you chose to deal with it.
Dialogue: 0,0:28:53.50,0:28:57.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not wanting us to get into one way\Nis right or wrong, I'm just saying that
Dialogue: 0,0:28:57.38,0:28:59.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no matter what happens to us,
Dialogue: 0,0:28:59.71,0:29:01.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the other person is responsible\Nfor what they did,
Dialogue: 0,0:29:02.04,0:29:04.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not saying that the other person\Ndoesn't have responsability.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:04.30,0:29:06.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- That's my question about\Naccountability.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:06.10,0:29:09.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- That person is responsible for what\Nthey did and why they did it.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:10.09,0:29:14.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are responsible for how\Nwe deal with that.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:19.16,0:29:20.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK?
Dialogue: 0,0:29:21.61,0:29:25.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm just wondering how a child becomes\Nresponsible... I mean still...
Dialogue: 0,0:29:26.02,0:29:30.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first thing I do is, I wouldn't want to teach\Nthe child the lesson I just tought you
Dialogue: 0,0:29:30.49,0:29:33.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until I had given that child \Nall the empathy that child needed
Dialogue: 0,0:29:33.86,0:29:35.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I would guess it would be a lot.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:36.05,0:29:39.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I can see myself dealing\Nwith a long time
Dialogue: 0,0:29:39.09,0:29:43.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of hearing this childs enormous\Npain as a result of this.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:44.49,0:29:48.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then in the course of this\NI would be seeing this child
Dialogue: 0,0:29:48.66,0:29:52.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,having some pain created by\Nhow they looked at it.
Dialogue: 0,0:29:52.54,0:29:57.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I would see that they're creating\Npain on top of pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:29:57.42,0:29:59.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by how they looked at it
Dialogue: 0,0:30:00.04,0:30:04.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so, after the child had all the empathy\Nhe or she needed
Dialogue: 0,0:30:04.82,0:30:07.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then I would do what I could\Nto get them to see it
Dialogue: 0,0:30:07.76,0:30:12.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a way that wouldn't create\Nunnecessary pain for themselves.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:17.75,0:30:20.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is a baby jackal yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:23.43,0:30:27.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, now what I would like to do \Nin the precious time that we have left
Dialogue: 0,0:30:27.22,0:30:31.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to deal with a very important part of\Ngiraffe, because I wouldn't want you to
Dialogue: 0,0:30:31.31,0:30:33.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,get the idea that\NNon Violent Communication
Dialogue: 0,0:30:34.06,0:30:37.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is solely interested in\Nconflict resolution,
Dialogue: 0,0:30:37.62,0:30:41.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it's equally\Ninterested in celebration.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:41.23,0:30:43.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How could we celebrate life
Dialogue: 0,0:30:43.15,0:30:47.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in fact, the part that I have left for\Nten minutes before the end
Dialogue: 0,0:30:47.33,0:30:51.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is in some respects the most important part\Nbecause it's where we get the fuel
Dialogue: 0,0:30:52.07,0:30:54.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to stay giraffe
Dialogue: 0,0:30:54.61,0:30:57.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a what's often a\Nvery jackalish world.
Dialogue: 0,0:30:57.98,0:31:02.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it's going to be pretty hard to\Nmake this radical transformation into
Dialogue: 0,0:31:02.29,0:31:04.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,back to our nature
Dialogue: 0,0:31:05.88,0:31:10.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in many situations unless we\Nare getting plenty of fuel.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:10.84,0:31:12.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now where does the fuel come from?
Dialogue: 0,0:31:13.05,0:31:16.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The fuel comes from celebration.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:16.73,0:31:18.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what kind of celebration?
Dialogue: 0,0:31:18.56,0:31:22.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It comes from saying\Nthank you in giraffe.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:22.58,0:31:26.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So let's see now, in the last minutes,\Nhow we celebrate
Dialogue: 0,0:31:26.52,0:31:28.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by saying thank you in giraffe.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:28.43,0:31:31.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Expressing gratitude in giraffe.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:32.70,0:31:38.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And first I would like to remind you\Nof how jackals say thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:38.17,0:31:41.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You did a good job on that paper."
Dialogue: 0,0:31:41.78,0:31:44.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You are a very kind person."
Dialogue: 0,0:31:45.69,0:31:48.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You are a good dancer."
Dialogue: 0,0:31:48.57,0:31:51.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Can you see why that's jackal?
Dialogue: 0,0:31:52.48,0:31:54.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Moralistic judgements.
Dialogue: 0,0:31:54.70,0:31:58.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Positive moralistic judgements\Nare equally
Dialogue: 0,0:31:58.98,0:32:02.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as violent in my estimations\Nas negative ones.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:02.44,0:32:07.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Namely they reinforce the idea that the\Nnegative exist. If I say you're a kind person,
Dialogue: 0,0:32:07.88,0:32:11.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm implying there's such a thing\Nas an unkind person.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:11.31,0:32:15.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm also implying that I'm the judge\Nthat knows the difference.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:16.23,0:32:21.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So no more praise or compliments, OK?\NNo more praise or compliments.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:21.37,0:32:24.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Especially when you intend\Nthem as a reward.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:24.43,0:32:29.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's the ultimate dehumanization,\Nto use thank you as a reward.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:29.88,0:32:32.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To say it for the purpose of trying\Nto reinforce someting,
Dialogue: 0,0:32:32.74,0:32:36.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To get the person to continue doing it.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:36.34,0:32:41.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's like sending a... what goes on at\Na dog obedience school?
Dialogue: 0,0:32:41.38,0:32:43.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Punishment and rewards.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:44.06,0:32:47.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Giving a compliment or praise for\Nthe purpose of reinforcement
Dialogue: 0,0:32:48.04,0:32:52.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is giving the dog a... something to\Neat to reinforce it for something.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:52.65,0:32:55.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People are not for that treatment.
Dialogue: 0,0:32:55.32,0:32:58.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it destroys the beauty\Nof thank you,
Dialogue: 0,0:32:59.66,0:33:01.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when people have to wonder:
Dialogue: 0,0:33:01.53,0:33:04.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Is this being said out of that energy?"
Dialogue: 0,0:33:04.87,0:33:06.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"- But it works!
Dialogue: 0,0:33:06.65,0:33:08.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- What does, jackal?
Dialogue: 0,0:33:08.44,0:33:11.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Studies in management indicate\Nthat if managers
Dialogue: 0,0:33:12.00,0:33:16.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,praise and compliment employees\Ndaily, product goes up.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:16.71,0:33:18.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Studies in school show\Nthat if teachers
Dialogue: 0,0:33:19.01,0:33:23.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,praise and compliment students\Ndaily they work harder.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:24.05,0:33:26.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Jackal take another look\Nat the research.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:26.55,0:33:30.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think you'll see that that only\Nworks for a very short time,
Dialogue: 0,0:33:30.76,0:33:34.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,until people see the manipulation.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:34.33,0:33:36.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then it no longer works.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:36.74,0:33:38.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it destroys the beauty\Nof thank you
Dialogue: 0,0:33:39.06,0:33:43.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because now \Nyou can not even trust gratitude
Dialogue: 0,0:33:43.40,0:33:49.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,without wondering whether it's being\Nused as reinforcement, as a reward.
Dialogue: 0,0:33:49.50,0:33:54.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Well what if I want to build up the other\Nperson's self-esteem, what's wrong with that?
Dialogue: 0,0:33:54.56,0:33:56.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- So you... jackal you don't see\Nthe irony of that?
Dialogue: 0,0:33:56.88,0:33:58.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- What?
Dialogue: 0,0:33:58.63,0:34:03.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- If the other person can only like themself when\Nyou compliment them, they have no self-esteem.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:03.57,0:34:07.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You've just addicted them\Nto your rewards.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:07.80,0:34:14.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That they only feel good when you say something\Nabout them. They have no self-esteem."
Dialogue: 0,0:34:14.42,0:34:16.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:16.48,0:34:20.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How does a giraffe say\N"thank you"? Or gratitude?
Dialogue: 0,0:34:21.04,0:34:24.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First, there are three things that are\Ninvolved in a giraffe expression of
Dialogue: 0,0:34:24.83,0:34:29.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,gratitude that give us energy to\Nkeep being a giraffe.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:29.79,0:34:31.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first thing in a giraffe expression\Nof gratitude
Dialogue: 0,0:34:32.08,0:34:36.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is we bring to this other person's\Nattention concretely
Dialogue: 0,0:34:36.20,0:34:41.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what they have done that has made\Nlife more wonderful for us.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:41.27,0:34:44.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See, that's what we need to do, daily.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:44.39,0:34:47.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We need to bring our consciousness\Nand attention
Dialogue: 0,0:34:48.04,0:34:51.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the power that each one of us has
Dialogue: 0,0:34:51.55,0:34:54.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make life more wonderful.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:55.36,0:34:58.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Each of us is a powerhouse.
Dialogue: 0,0:34:59.66,0:35:01.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have words
Dialogue: 0,0:35:02.45,0:35:08.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that have the power to contribute to making\Npeople's lives more wonderful.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:08.84,0:35:12.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have touch, we can touch\Npeople in ways
Dialogue: 0,0:35:12.29,0:35:15.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that can make life more wonderful.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:15.56,0:35:18.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can provide services for people.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:19.26,0:35:21.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We are powerhouses.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:21.68,0:35:24.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The more we remember this,
Dialogue: 0,0:35:24.46,0:35:28.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we'll not get caught up in any \Nviolent games.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:29.06,0:35:31.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would we use our energy
Dialogue: 0,0:35:31.47,0:35:36.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,any way other than to make life wonderful\Nwhen we remember that we have this power?
Dialogue: 0,0:35:37.05,0:35:41.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So that's one thing we've got to make\Nclear in our expression of gratitude
Dialogue: 0,0:35:41.27,0:35:43.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,specifically what the person did,
Dialogue: 0,0:35:43.57,0:35:46.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,not some vague generality.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:46.98,0:35:51.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For example a woman in Geneva Switzerland\Ncame by up to me at the end of a workshop.
Dialogue: 0,0:35:51.16,0:35:55.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Here's what she said to me:\N"You're brilliant."
Dialogue: 0,0:35:57.00,0:35:59.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said:\N"Doesn't help."
Dialogue: 0,0:36:00.33,0:36:01.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said:\N"What do you mean?"
Dialogue: 0,0:36:01.44,0:36:06.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said: "You know mam, I've been called a\Nlot of names in my life, really I have.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:06.36,0:36:09.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some positive and some\Nfar less than positive.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:09.83,0:36:15.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I can never recall learning anything valuable\Nby somebody telling me what I am.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:15.64,0:36:20.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think there's zero information\Nvalue being told what you are
Dialogue: 0,0:36:20.21,0:36:23.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and great danger,\Nyou might believe it.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:23.24,0:36:28.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's just as dangerous to believe\Nthat you're smart as that you're stupid.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:28.89,0:36:32.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Both of them reduce you to a thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:33.21,0:36:36.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We're much more than either of those.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:37.90,0:36:41.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I can see in your eyes that you\Nwant to express some gratitude.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:41.72,0:36:42.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yes!
Dialogue: 0,0:36:42.74,0:36:46.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- And I want to receive it but, doesn't\Nhelp me to be told what I am.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:46.43,0:36:47.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- What do you need to hear?
Dialogue: 0,0:36:48.06,0:36:51.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- What did I do to make life\Nmore wonderful for you?
Dialogue: 0,0:36:51.96,0:36:53.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Well, well, you're so intelligent.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:53.91,0:36:55.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- No, doesn't help.
Dialogue: 0,0:36:56.49,0:36:59.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Doesn't help. What did I do?
Dialogue: 0,0:36:59.16,0:37:00.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Oh I got you, I got you."
Dialogue: 0,0:37:00.56,0:37:02.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She opens up her notebook,
Dialogue: 0,0:37:02.65,0:37:05.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she showed me two things that I had said\Nthat she had written down.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:06.14,0:37:08.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She put a big star by them.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:09.07,0:37:10.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See? That helps me now. \NOk.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:11.08,0:37:13.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That helps to know, \Nthat somehow,
Dialogue: 0,0:37:13.72,0:37:19.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my saying those two things\Nmade this persons life more wonderful.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:19.20,0:37:21.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So that's the first thing we need to say
Dialogue: 0,0:37:21.96,0:37:26.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in appreciation. We need to bring to the\Npersons attention concretely what they did
Dialogue: 0,0:37:27.12,0:37:28.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that made life more wonderful.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:28.91,0:37:33.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Second:\Nat the moment we're giving the gratitude
Dialogue: 0,0:37:33.59,0:37:39.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to say how we feel at that moment\Nabout the person having done that.
Dialogue: 0,0:37:39.38,0:37:41.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I said to this woman:
Dialogue: 0,0:37:41.25,0:37:45.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Could you tell me how you feel now as the\Nresult of my having said those two things?"
Dialogue: 0,0:37:46.02,0:37:47.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said "Hopeful and relieved."
Dialogue: 0,0:37:48.05,0:37:50.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Oh! Hopeful and relieved!
Dialogue: 0,0:37:52.45,0:37:56.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That gives me much more than telling\Nme what I am, that I'm brilliant."
Dialogue: 0,0:37:56.74,0:38:00.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Just to know that somehow my\Nsaying those two things,
Dialogue: 0,0:38:00.100,0:38:04.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,now this person feels hopeful\Nand relieved.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:04.70,0:38:09.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now when I hear the third thing I'll be\Nable to really enjoy this gratitude.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:09.51,0:38:13.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said: "what need of yours\Nwas fulfilled
Dialogue: 0,0:38:13.48,0:38:15.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by my saying what I did
Dialogue: 0,0:38:15.10,0:38:18.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that leaves you feeling hopeful\Nand relieved?"
Dialogue: 0,0:38:19.05,0:38:23.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that's the third thing we need\Nto see in a giraffe gratitude.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:23.48,0:38:26.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said,\N"I have an 18 year old son.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:26.74,0:38:29.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've never been able to\Nconnect with him.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:29.71,0:38:31.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's been very painful that\Nwe never can connect,
Dialogue: 0,0:38:32.06,0:38:36.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I have needed some direction,\Nto help me connect with him.
Dialogue: 0,0:38:36.90,0:38:42.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Those two things you said met my\Nneed for some concrete direction."
Dialogue: 0,0:38:43.69,0:38:47.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So had she exressed her gratitude\Nin giraffe, she would have said:
Dialogue: 0,0:38:47.96,0:38:50.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Marshall when you said these two things,"
Dialogue: 0,0:38:50.44,0:38:52.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(showed me what the two things were)
Dialogue: 0,0:38:52.68,0:38:55.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"it leaves me feeling hopeful\Nand relieved,
Dialogue: 0,0:38:55.56,0:39:00.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it meets a need of mine to connect\Nwith my son in a way that I want."
Dialogue: 0,0:39:01.81,0:39:05.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK? That's how we say gratitude in\Ngiraffe. Those three things.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:06.09,0:39:10.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's also important how\Nwe receive gratitude.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:11.46,0:39:15.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me show you how a jackal\Nreceives gratitude.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:15.81,0:39:17.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Jackal when you offered to\Ngive me the ride
Dialogue: 0,0:39:17.91,0:39:20.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that just now to where I'm\Ngoing afterwards
Dialogue: 0,0:39:20.26,0:39:21.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I feel very grateful because
Dialogue: 0,0:39:21.81,0:39:24.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really have a need to spend\Nmore time with my family,
Dialogue: 0,0:39:24.63,0:39:28.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if I took the bus I'd have\Nan hour less time.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:28.33,0:39:29.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- It's nothing."
Dialogue: 0,0:39:31.80,0:39:33.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"De rien."
Dialogue: 0,0:39:36.98,0:39:42.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you want to terrorize a jackal,\Nexpress love and appreciation to him.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:43.04,0:39:46.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, if you really want\Nto scare a jackal,
Dialogue: 0,0:39:47.22,0:39:50.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've never seen anything scare\Njackal-speaking people more
Dialogue: 0,0:39:50.48,0:39:53.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than sincere gratitude or love.
Dialogue: 0,0:39:54.82,0:39:58.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Why do you get so nervous,\Njackal, when you hear it?
Dialogue: 0,0:39:58.41,0:40:01.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Well I don't know that I deserved it."
Dialogue: 0,0:40:02.82,0:40:05.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See, jackals have this dangerous\Nconcept in their head:
Dialogue: 0,0:40:05.92,0:40:07.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Deserve.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:07.85,0:40:10.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a very violent concept.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:10.44,0:40:14.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See it implies you have to\Ndeserve appreciation.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:14.93,0:40:20.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You do deserve punishment if you behave in\Na certain way. See, the concept of deserve
Dialogue: 0,0:40:20.52,0:40:24.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is a key ingredient in a\Nviolent way of life.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:24.70,0:40:28.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you believe in deserve you think\Ncertain things are worth things,
Dialogue: 0,0:40:28.25,0:40:31.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you'll set up a very destructive\Neconomic system.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:31.68,0:40:35.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You'll set up a destructive\Ncorrectional system.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:35.37,0:40:37.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Very dangerous concept.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:39.18,0:40:40.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well that's not the only reason.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:40.69,0:40:45.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Why else do you get so scared when\Nyou hear gratitude jackal?
Dialogue: 0,0:40:46.21,0:40:49.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- What's wrong with being humble?
Dialogue: 0,0:40:51.59,0:40:53.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- So you want to...\Nhave a need for humility?
Dialogue: 0,0:40:54.00,0:40:55.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Yes.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:55.47,0:40:57.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,- Well you know jackal there's\Ndifferent kinds of humility.
Dialogue: 0,0:40:58.06,0:41:01.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm afraid that your kind is\Na jackal humility.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:01.44,0:41:04.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think your kind is the kind that\NGolda Meir, the Israeli Prime Minister,
Dialogue: 0,0:41:05.04,0:41:09.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,was reacting to when she said to\None of her politicians:
Dialogue: 0,0:41:09.20,0:41:13.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,'Don't be so humble,\Nyou're not that great.'"
Dialogue: 0,0:41:19.05,0:41:21.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the main reason that I\Nbelieve that gratitude
Dialogue: 0,0:41:22.05,0:41:24.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is so scary for many of us to receive
Dialogue: 0,0:41:24.77,0:41:29.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is beautifully and poetically written\Nin 'The Course of Miracles'
Dialogue: 0,0:41:29.14,0:41:31.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where they say "it's our light,\Nnot our darkness,
Dialogue: 0,0:41:32.07,0:41:34.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that scares us the most."
Dialogue: 0,0:41:35.66,0:41:40.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,See having been educated in this\Njackal way to hate ourselves,
Dialogue: 0,0:41:40.82,0:41:44.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to think there's something\Nwrong with us.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:44.60,0:41:47.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a big jump to really\Nsee what I was saying.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:47.79,0:41:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That we have an enormous power\Nto make life wonderful.
Dialogue: 0,0:41:53.64,0:41:59.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And there's nothing we enjoy doing\Nmore than exercising that power.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:00.06,0:42:05.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That's pretty unfortunately a pretty big jump\Nfor us to come to. But we can come to it.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:05.16,0:42:09.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So that's how we say gratitude:\Nobservation, feeling and need.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:10.12,0:42:11.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Same literacy.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:12.74,0:42:15.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Make sure it's coming from\Nthe heart to celebrate,
Dialogue: 0,0:42:15.69,0:42:19.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and never to praise,\Ncompliment, reward.
Dialogue: 0,0:42:19.33,0:42:24.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So any last comments or questions\Nbefore our time runs out?
Dialogue: 0,0:42:26.39,0:42:30.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm grateful for all your time\Nand attention to me.