0:00:02.050,0:00:07.009 Part 4:[br]Questions & Expressing[br]and Receiving Gratitude 0:00:08.256,0:00:11.681 This morning you made[br]a reference to giraffe mourning, 0:00:11.821,0:00:15.230 and that there's a different way of[br]saying you're sorry to someone, 0:00:15.370,0:00:17.560 and I wanted to[br]hear what that was. 0:00:17.700,0:00:21.088 - Ok. Let's real quick look at what[br]I mean by "giraffe mourning". 0:00:21.228,0:00:23.804 Think of something you did 0:00:23.928,0:00:27.335 that you wished you hadn't done. 0:00:27.465,0:00:29.432 [Laughter] 0:00:29.562,0:00:34.840 And identify...recall as best as[br]you can how you talked to yourself, 0:00:34.990,0:00:38.517 when you said it or did it,[br]whatever you did. 0:00:39.217,0:00:44.984 So, what did you do that you wished[br]you hadn't done after you'd done it? 0:00:46.041,0:00:50.672 And give me a sample of what you[br]said to yourself when you did it. 0:00:51.897,0:00:56.226 You have one in mind? 0:01:00.306,0:01:01.475 - Ok. 0:01:02.595,0:01:07.015 That I was feeling defensive,[br]and I criticized someone. 0:01:07.292,0:01:10.230 - So, what you did is 0:01:10.350,0:01:14.698 you said some things to another person[br]that you wished you hadn't done. 0:01:14.866,0:01:19.293 - Right. - Ok. And what did you say to[br]yourself when you did that? 0:01:19.895,0:01:23.074 - Usually, in the moment[br]I feel defensive with myself. 0:01:23.205,0:01:28.182 - No, I want to concretely know...[br]for this exercise I need to know concretely 0:01:28.302,0:01:32.409 what you say to yourself when you[br]behave in a way you don't like. 0:01:32.524,0:01:36.886 This is very important to answer[br]your question about giraffe mourning, 0:01:37.027,0:01:43.691 very important to identify what[br]your inner educator is saying to you. 0:01:43.831,0:01:47.422 See this?[br]All of us have an inner educator, 0:01:47.562,0:01:52.877 whose function is to educate us[br]when we are less than perfect. 0:01:54.038,0:01:58.450 Now, most of us made the mistake[br]of sending our inner educator off 0:01:58.560,0:02:03.497 to a brutal jackal academy[br]for inner educators. 0:02:04.795,0:02:08.327 And so, it's important to be conscious 0:02:08.447,0:02:12.258 of how our inner educator talks to us.[br]So that's what I'm asking you. 0:02:12.418,0:02:17.290 When you said what you did to your husband, [br]what did your inner educator... 0:02:17.400,0:02:20.026 how did your inner educator[br]try to educate you? 0:02:20.120,0:02:22.745 What did it say to you [br]about what you had done? 0:02:22.885,0:02:26.253 - In the moment or later? - Either one. 0:02:26.396,0:02:31.407 - Well, the point when I've start[br]to feel regret or sorry is later. 0:02:31.537,0:02:34.891 - At any point, what did you say to[br]yourself about what you had done? 0:02:34.992,0:02:37.721 - Ok. I said I'm a bad person... 0:02:37.821,0:02:41.030 - Now, that's enough. 0:02:41.419,0:02:46.980 Your inner educator tries to[br]educate you through penitence. 0:02:47.856,0:02:51.645 Through making you hate yourself[br]for what you've done. 0:02:51.820,0:02:56.469 It uses language that implies there's[br]such a thing as a bad person. 0:02:56.583,0:03:02.725 All right. Now, if you apologize[br]out of that energy, that's jackal. 0:03:03.094,0:03:07.645 Any apology that comes out of thinking[br]you did something wrong 0:03:07.785,0:03:11.686 is not going to be good for you [br]or the other person. 0:03:12.568,0:03:14.245 You with me so far? 0:03:14.345,0:03:17.630 - I know it feels bad. - Yeah. It feels bad. 0:03:17.773,0:03:20.670 And I really want you to[br]feel bad in this situation, 0:03:20.820,0:03:23.979 but I want you to feel sweet bad. 0:03:24.832,0:03:29.380 A sweet bad that will help you learn[br]from this without hating yourself. 0:03:30.207,0:03:33.649 When you have a thought in your head that[br]you're a bad person, that's ugly bad. 0:03:33.816,0:03:36.287 That's a punitive bad. 0:03:36.413,0:03:39.830 That will first[br]make it hard to learn. 0:03:40.001,0:03:42.434 And even if you do learn,[br]it's out of self-hatred, 0:03:42.512,0:03:46.413 so whatever changes you make[br]are at great cost. 0:03:46.566,0:03:48.673 So, that's your inner educator. 0:03:48.775,0:03:51.026 That was your inner[br]educator speaking to you 0:03:51.119,0:03:53.754 when it said you're a bad person. 0:03:53.891,0:03:56.573 Now, we've been learning today 0:03:56.709,0:04:00.291 that all judgements are[br]expressions of needs, right? 0:04:00.441,0:04:03.037 So, your inner educator means well. 0:04:03.133,0:04:06.659 It really means well. [br]It wants you to learn from this 0:04:06.787,0:04:09.681 in a way that will serve life. 0:04:09.780,0:04:14.780 It means well, [br]it's just its language that sucks. Ok? 0:04:15.339,0:04:18.815 So we don't want to hear what the[br]inner educator thinks about us. 0:04:18.946,0:04:21.320 We want to hear the need[br]that isn't getting met, 0:04:21.459,0:04:24.695 that it's trying to call[br]to our attention. 0:04:24.830,0:04:28.469 So, what need is your inner educator[br]trying to bring to your attention 0:04:28.609,0:04:32.495 that you didn't meet[br]by how you behaved? 0:04:37.871,0:04:40.442 - Aaah... a need to... 0:04:44.104,0:04:46.602 ...be in a relationship[br]with the other person? 0:04:46.682,0:04:49.173 - A need...in what kind of relationship? 0:04:49.313,0:04:52.171 - A mutual understanding, respectful? [br]- Right. 0:04:52.316,0:04:57.730 So it didn't meet your need for respecting[br]and understanding the other person. 0:04:57.845,0:05:02.502 - Yeah. - And how do you feel[br]when that need isn't met? 0:05:07.468,0:05:11.279 - Guilty. - Then you still got the bad person[br]image in mind. See? 0:05:11.408,0:05:15.187 You still think you're a bad... [br]if there's anything still going on, 0:05:15.329,0:05:17.497 that guilt comes from the judgement. 0:05:17.607,0:05:19.976 - Well, I feel separate and isolated. 0:05:20.069,0:05:22.239 But how do you feel?[br]What emotion do you feel about 0:05:22.342,0:05:24.836 not meeting your own needs 0:05:24.945,0:05:27.011 for understanding and respecting? 0:05:27.101,0:05:31.032 See, the guilt comes from that[br]image of a bad person. 0:05:31.148,0:05:33.914 What feeling comes from[br]not meeting your need 0:05:34.054,0:05:38.513 to respond toward this person with[br]respect and understanding? 0:05:38.646,0:05:39.915 - Sad. 0:05:40.055,0:05:42.149 - That's a sweet pain. 0:05:42.644,0:05:45.192 That's giraffe mourning. 0:05:45.869,0:05:47.672 So, if you say to the person 0:05:47.812,0:05:51.259 "The way I talk[br]to you, I feel really sad. 0:05:51.399,0:05:56.288 It doesn't meet my need for respecting[br]you and understanding you". 0:05:59.833,0:06:03.192 You see? There's no image in[br]there that I'm a bad person. 0:06:03.312,0:06:04.981 I'm sad. 0:06:05.096,0:06:09.612 I didn't meet my own need for respecting[br]and understanding you. 0:06:10.358,0:06:14.453 Check with the other person[br]what they'd rather hear. 0:06:14.713,0:06:17.049 Whether they'd rather hear[br]the giraffe mourning, 0:06:17.187,0:06:20.470 or the apology that you're[br]a bad person. 0:06:23.123,0:06:24.789 Yes. 0:06:25.344,0:06:28.658 - I'm having a little problem[br]trying to find the teeth 0:06:28.798,0:06:31.900 in this model somehow. 0:06:32.030,0:06:35.795 It seems like everything is... even though[br]we're talking as on a feeling level, 0:06:35.906,0:06:38.623 everything seems...[br]i'm interpreting, anyway... 0:06:38.763,0:06:43.228 is sort of on a mental level[br]as opposed to an emotional level, 0:06:43.368,0:06:46.253 and I guess I operate a lot[br]from my gut, 0:06:46.393,0:06:49.991 and I'm trying to get down[br]to that somehow. 0:06:50.124,0:06:52.599 So I need some help with it. 0:06:52.710,0:06:55.302 Basically, tell me how 0:06:55.392,0:06:59.563 I would be able to use this[br]technique in my daily life. 0:07:02.728,0:07:06.608 to make it not... well,[br]so that it's natural, you know? 0:07:06.708,0:07:08.912 It's not natural for me[br]to operate this way. 0:07:08.982,0:07:12.255 - The first thing I would recommend to you 0:07:12.355,0:07:14.924 is change the word[br]"natural" to "habitual". 0:07:15.428,0:07:18.981 - Do what?[br]- Change the word "natural" to "habitual". 0:07:19.111,0:07:21.206 I think this process is natural, 0:07:21.386,0:07:24.239 more natural than the way[br]you were trained to think. 0:07:24.339,0:07:27.339 So, Gandhi says "It's very dangerous[br]to mix up the words 0:07:27.489,0:07:29.590 'natural' and 'habitual'". 0:07:29.730,0:07:33.014 He says "We have been trained to be[br]quite habitual at communicating 0:07:33.142,0:07:36.096 in ways that are quite unnatural". 0:07:37.519,0:07:41.230 So, I can't think of a more natural[br]way to communicate 0:07:41.350,0:07:44.038 than to talk about[br]what's alive in us. 0:07:44.178,0:07:46.357 Just what we're[br]feeling and needing. 0:07:46.477,0:07:50.005 - When you feel like saying...if I feel like saying "no", 0:07:50.154,0:07:54.072 saying "no" seems ok to me,[br]but what you were saying before is that... 0:07:54.212,0:07:57.860 - What do you mean by "ok" in[br]"It's ok to say 'no'"? 0:07:57.995,0:08:01.453 - What do you mean by what do I mean?[br]We could go back and forth. 0:08:01.617,0:08:04.232 - Pardon? - We can go back and forth by[br]asking each other... 0:08:04.364,0:08:07.377 - Yes, so let me be more specific. 0:08:07.855,0:08:10.532 When you say "no", 0:08:11.159,0:08:14.394 I predict that by saying "no", 0:08:15.209,0:08:19.001 more often than you would like[br]the other person is going to react to you 0:08:19.121,0:08:22.282 in a way that isn't in your best interest. 0:08:23.971,0:08:29.000 But if you say the need behind the "no", [br]that's less likely to happen. 0:08:29.150,0:08:31.529 - So, then, if I understand[br]what you're saying, 0:08:31.669,0:08:35.791 you're trying to...the idea is to[br]communicate in a way that 0:08:35.941,0:08:38.173 the other person would[br]communicate back to you, 0:08:38.313,0:08:40.730 so that it's in my best interest? 0:08:40.841,0:08:45.321 - I'm saying the purpose of this process is[br]to get everybody's needs met, 0:08:45.461,0:08:48.363 and that the needs are met[br]by people giving willingly, 0:08:48.503,0:08:51.697 not out of any coercive motivation. 0:08:52.426,0:08:55.859 And I'm saying that when you say "no", [br]it gets in the way of 0:08:55.971,0:09:01.072 the likelihood that everybody's needs[br]are going to end up getting met. 0:09:02.136,0:09:05.540 If you say the need that keeps[br]you from saying "yes", 0:09:05.630,0:09:10.871 I predict there's more likelihood that[br]everybody's needs will end up getting met. 0:09:14.121,0:09:16.587 - If I understand[br]what you're saying, 0:09:16.697,0:09:20.405 you're saying: "Just express your[br]needs without saying the 'no'." 0:09:20.515,0:09:26.340 - I'm saying the need is a clearer expression[br]of what you're trying to say than "no". 0:09:27.616,0:09:29.879 You get clearer and more[br]connected to life 0:09:29.986,0:09:32.716 when you say the need that[br]keeps you from saying "yes" 0:09:32.806,0:09:34.862 than just saying "no". 0:09:35.058,0:09:38.499 And it's less likely to be[br]interpreted as a rejection, 0:09:38.639,0:09:41.029 as you being defensive... 0:09:41.653,0:09:44.412 To just say the "no"[br]by itself, I predict 0:09:44.543,0:09:48.669 is more likely to get you interpretations[br]that aren't in your best interest. 0:09:48.769,0:09:51.570 - Sometimes when I don't hear a "no" 0:09:51.685,0:09:55.309 I look at it as being sort of a[br]passive aggressive response 0:09:55.461,0:09:59.086 to something that I might want. 0:09:59.659,0:10:03.600 Someone... for example if I make an appointment[br]with somebody 0:10:03.700,0:10:06.590 and instead of them saying "no",[br]they just don't show up. 0:10:06.715,0:10:09.253 And then they give me a reason[br]why they don't show up. 0:10:09.351,0:10:12.979 - Yes. I'm not suggesting that.[br]I'm not suggesting that response. 0:10:13.119,0:10:16.227 I'm suggesting that I would have[br]liked that person 0:10:16.367,0:10:19.949 to have told you honestly at the time[br]what their need was. 0:10:20.030,0:10:24.483 I think if they had done that you wouldn't[br]have gotten into that situation. 0:10:26.005,0:10:28.214 They said a "yes" that wasn't so. 0:10:28.354,0:10:31.859 - Some people won't say "I'm afraid".[br]- Pardon me? 0:10:31.965,0:10:34.487 - Let's say if the reason is[br]that they are afraid to. 0:10:34.597,0:10:37.808 - That would depend a lot on what[br]has happened in the past to them 0:10:37.918,0:10:42.066 when they have said "no"[br]in whatever way they did it. 0:10:43.213,0:10:48.710 If they have not enjoyed very[br]empathic responses to it in the past, 0:10:48.830,0:10:52.481 then they're probably afraid to[br]be honest about it now. 0:10:52.762,0:10:55.846 - I see the value in all this. [br]I really do. 0:10:55.996,0:10:59.259 I guess it's the idea that it's[br]a touchy-feely type of thing 0:10:59.385,0:11:01.457 that I'm not used to working around. 0:11:01.567,0:11:03.568 - What you're trying to figure out,[br]if I'm understanding, 0:11:03.688,0:11:05.926 is how to really put this into a 0:11:06.066,0:11:09.037 idiom that you can use daily and[br]feels comfortable to you. 0:11:09.167,0:11:11.738 - That's one way of putting it. 0:11:11.873,0:11:13.413 - And so, in our training, 0:11:13.476,0:11:17.227 we first show people how[br]to develop the literacy 0:11:17.367,0:11:23.047 and then how to put it into their[br]regular language. 0:11:23.677,0:11:26.353 I had a student traveling with me, 0:11:26.483,0:11:30.993 and he wanted to give me gratitude. Ok? 0:11:31.089,0:11:35.164 He liked something I did.[br]I was really working the group hard. 0:11:35.304,0:11:38.911 And during the break, he said "dictator". 0:11:39.969,0:11:42.051 That was giraffe, 0:11:43.039,0:11:47.185 because he knew that I knew[br]what he was reacting to. 0:11:47.365,0:11:49.141 He knew i wouldn't hear a judgement. 0:11:49.271,0:11:52.621 He knew that I would guess in there[br]what he was feeling and needing. 0:11:52.735,0:11:55.711 So he could say that to me: "Dictator!" 0:11:55.874,0:11:58.474 So, after we really know how to[br]clearly identify 0:11:58.614,0:12:00.926 our feelings, needs, requests, 0:12:01.046,0:12:03.437 then we can start to put it into a language 0:12:03.577,0:12:06.781 that can connect us with people[br]we're speaking with. 0:12:06.887,0:12:10.066 But in this stage of the day,[br]after one day, 0:12:10.196,0:12:12.909 I'm still working with you on[br]making sure you understand 0:12:13.023,0:12:16.529 what a feeling and a need is, because[br]if you don't really understand that, 0:12:16.639,0:12:20.027 it's going to be hard to know how[br]to then put it into your idiom. 0:12:20.127,0:12:23.167 - I guess I'm a recovering[br]New York jackal. 0:12:23.307,0:12:25.817 [Laughter] 0:12:26.207,0:12:29.108 I'm getting the impression that 0:12:29.245,0:12:31.791 apology isn't really 0:12:32.746,0:12:35.452 the best service of being a giraffe. 0:12:35.562,0:12:37.875 I'd like to know if[br]you could model... 0:12:38.006,0:12:40.999 I'd like to see you model for me 0:12:41.109,0:12:45.067 an acknowledgement of[br]missing the mark, 0:12:45.187,0:12:46.664 sinning courageously... 0:12:46.804,0:12:49.223 - If you recall earlier, 0:12:49.333,0:12:53.110 I showed an example of that where[br]I showed the person saying 0:12:53.230,0:12:55.427 "I feel sad.[br]I would've liked 0:12:55.537,0:12:58.998 to have responded with more[br]understanding than I did". 0:12:59.128,0:13:01.918 - So you're not using the words "I'm sorry".[br]You're saying "I'm sad". 0:13:02.058,0:13:04.143 It's not so much the words[br]"I'm sorry". 0:13:04.283,0:13:07.688 What we shifted from [br]was thinking that I did something wrong 0:13:07.818,0:13:11.402 that it was bad.[br]It's that thinking that is the problem, 0:13:11.552,0:13:14.758 and the "I'm sorry" follows[br]from that thinking. 0:13:14.885,0:13:18.847 So it's not just that I don't say "I'm sorry",[br]I say "I'm sad", if I'm sad. 0:13:18.953,0:13:21.234 The words "I'm sorry"[br]mean almost nothing. 0:13:21.356,0:13:24.870 People can say that and[br]not feel anything. 0:13:24.967,0:13:28.695 You say that to buy forgiveness. 0:13:28.835,0:13:33.674 So, if I'm feeling sad, I say that.[br]"I'm feeling sad. I would have liked to 0:13:33.782,0:13:36.409 have been more aware of your[br]needs" for example 0:13:36.491,0:13:39.291 where I didn't take the person's[br]needs into consideration. 0:13:39.401,0:13:43.424 But I don't say[br]"I'm sorry, that was inconsiderate of me". 0:13:43.550,0:13:46.895 There's no self-blame.[br]I didn't do anything wrong. 0:13:47.025,0:13:50.654 There is no such thing as[br]doing anything wrong. 0:13:50.768,0:13:55.474 What I did was not in harmony[br]with my needs. I want to mourn that. 0:13:55.606,0:13:58.922 "I'm sad. I would've liked to have[br]been more aware of your needs". 0:13:59.022,0:14:03.198 - Something like that. Does that give you the example?[br]- Very much so. Thank you. 0:14:03.593,0:14:07.405 - I have a question.[br]Over here. To your left. 0:14:09.982,0:14:13.397 I have a situation with my[br]intimate partner 0:14:13.537,0:14:17.283 that many times we get together[br]and we argue a lot, 0:14:17.431,0:14:20.697 and I have this need 0:14:21.942,0:14:24.363 that you were saying earlier[br]is inappropriate: 0:14:24.493,0:14:26.597 I want her to be happy. 0:14:26.727,0:14:29.774 - I didn't say it's inappropriate.[br]I said it was undoable. 0:14:29.914,0:14:33.834 - OK. Right.[br]That's what she keeps telling me. 0:14:36.823,0:14:41.597 - If you're going to tell me to be happy,[br]tell me the action to get there. 0:14:42.381,0:14:44.851 That I can do.[br]If you tell me an action 0:14:44.985,0:14:47.907 which you predict that if I do that,[br]I'll be happy at the end, 0:14:48.023,0:14:51.494 that would be helpful. Tell me the action.[br]Don't just tell me to be happy. 0:14:51.634,0:14:54.236 Don't tell me to have[br]confidence in myself. 0:14:54.344,0:14:58.079 Tell me what you would like me[br]to do to feel that confidence. 0:14:58.203,0:15:01.344 The action will get me there,[br]but just telling me what to feel 0:15:01.484,0:15:04.690 puts me into a paradoxical bind. 0:15:04.993,0:15:06.500 - Ok. 0:15:07.458,0:15:10.291 One of the other things would be that 0:15:10.431,0:15:15.286 when we get together,[br]I don't necessarily want to be 0:15:15.447,0:15:19.475 going somewhere with her, if[br]she's not in a good mood at that time 0:15:19.605,0:15:21.775 or if there's some kind of tenseness... 0:15:21.905,0:15:26.721 - Then empathize with why I'm not in a[br]good mood and I'll be in one. 0:15:27.057,0:15:29.629 But telling me that I got[br]to be in a better mood 0:15:29.769,0:15:33.804 for you to want to go with me[br]gets me in a worse mood. 0:15:36.602,0:15:37.904 - Ok. 0:15:42.551,0:15:46.151 - I'm wondering if there are[br]some times when... 0:15:46.291,0:15:48.510 Over here. 0:15:48.893,0:15:54.332 I'm feeling some anxiety about a trip[br]I'm planning to visit my mother soon 0:15:54.472,0:15:58.101 and we have a dynamic where she[br]really wants to help me 0:15:58.256,0:16:01.893 figure out every detail of[br]what I'm doing during my stay, 0:16:01.993,0:16:05.553 and I'd like to be left alone.[br]- So, let me show you how to do it. 0:16:05.693,0:16:08.484 - And I'm afraid that if I[br]talk to her like this, 0:16:08.624,0:16:11.657 it's going to make matters much worse.[br]- Ok. Then we'll teach you how... 0:16:11.806,0:16:15.451 If it does, we'll show you how to[br]enjoy it when it gets worse. 0:16:17.348,0:16:20.392 But first, let me show you the[br]first thing to do 0:16:20.470,0:16:25.243 if we want a person to consider another[br]behaviour than the one they're doing, 0:16:25.403,0:16:27.891 start the communication[br]by showing them that 0:16:28.038,0:16:32.136 what they're doing is the most precious[br]thing they could be doing. 0:16:32.785,0:16:35.196 This way: empathy. 0:16:35.336,0:16:40.271 Start by empathizing with mother's[br]intent in behaving as she does. 0:16:40.435,0:16:43.513 "Mother, I'm guessing that when[br]you jump in and want to 0:16:43.633,0:16:46.102 show me all the things[br]that could be done, 0:16:46.231,0:16:49.272 you really care a lot about my[br]enjoying myself on this trip 0:16:49.382,0:16:51.347 and want to be sure you support that. 0:16:51.487,0:16:53.439 - Oh, yes, yes, blรก, blรก... 0:16:53.579,0:16:57.476 - Yeah, so,[br]it's really very important to you that 0:16:57.576,0:17:00.651 I have a good time and you want[br]to contribute to it. 0:17:00.765,0:17:02.272 - Yeah." 0:17:02.961,0:17:04.549 That's step one.[br]See what I mean? 0:17:04.638,0:17:08.546 That's what I mean by starting by[br]showing you understand. 0:17:08.653,0:17:11.174 Now, the more we're concerned[br]about that behaviour, 0:17:11.252,0:17:14.457 the more important it is to[br]start with this. 0:17:14.573,0:17:16.584 See? That's why [br]when I work in prisons, 0:17:16.661,0:17:20.234 and this person has been sexualy[br]molesting people, or raping people, 0:17:20.345,0:17:24.609 if I would like this person to find[br]another way of behaving, 0:17:24.730,0:17:29.076 the first thing I got to do is make sure they[br]don't hate themselves for what they're doing. 0:17:29.170,0:17:33.869 The more they hate themselves for what they're[br]doing, the more they'll continue doing it. 0:17:33.988,0:17:38.468 So I start by empathizing[br]with what their needs are, in doing it. 0:17:39.273,0:17:42.714 Ok. So, you got that step.[br]The next step... 0:17:42.894,0:17:46.528 What we started off the day with...[br]I'd tell honestly how I feel. 0:17:46.689,0:17:51.171 "Mom, I feel torn right now because[br]I'm grateful for your intent. 0:17:51.319,0:17:54.982 But... I really have a need to kind of make[br]my own choices here, 0:17:55.122,0:17:58.503 because I think it would be very hard[br]for anybody else to really know what I need 0:17:58.633,0:18:01.574 and I need this space[br]to figure it out for myself. 0:18:01.757,0:18:04.457 So, would you tell me what you[br]heard me say, mother, 0:18:04.571,0:18:07.849 so I can see if I'm making[br]myself clear?" 0:18:09.549,0:18:12.487 [Laughter] 0:18:16.627,0:18:19.315 So now I know mother[br]didn't hear me. 0:18:19.475,0:18:22.129 Now I know mother[br]didn't hear my needs. 0:18:22.269,0:18:24.804 She probably heard a rejection. 0:18:24.997,0:18:27.936 She probably heard that[br]she's not valued. 0:18:28.079,0:18:33.665 But it's important that I not think that her[br]reaction is because of what I said. 0:18:34.284,0:18:36.757 If I express my feelings and needs, 0:18:36.887,0:18:40.334 it would be impossible for a person to[br]react this way, if they heard it. 0:18:40.444,0:18:42.410 They would've gotten a gift. 0:18:42.520,0:18:47.290 They would have the eyes of a little child[br]getting a gift from Santa Claus. 0:18:47.420,0:18:50.826 That doesn't look like what mother's[br]looking like right now. 0:18:50.926,0:18:54.666 "So, mom, could you tell me what[br]you just heard me say? 0:18:54.797,0:18:56.910 - You don't want me. 0:18:58.288,0:19:01.019 - So, you heard it as a kind[br]of a rejection, mother? 0:19:01.133,0:19:03.791 - Of course. How else could[br]I have heard it? 0:19:04.601,0:19:07.918 - Well, thank you for telling me you[br]heard it as a rejection, mother." 0:19:08.008,0:19:11.779 Notice I didn't say[br]"that isn't what I said". 0:19:12.449,0:19:13.620 See? 0:19:13.780,0:19:17.373 If you want to have people[br]understand you differently, 0:19:17.513,0:19:20.924 never tell them[br]"you're misunderstanding me". 0:19:21.554,0:19:24.336 Never say[br]"That isn't what I said". 0:19:24.632,0:19:27.920 Say "Thank you for telling me[br]that's what you heard. 0:19:28.093,0:19:32.251 I can see I didn't make myself clear.[br]I'd like to try again, mother, 0:19:32.562,0:19:35.560 because I do value very much, [br]your offering to help, 0:19:35.700,0:19:40.791 but I have a need to kind of get my own[br]needs clear and structure my own time. 0:19:40.981,0:19:44.372 Can you tell me what you heard me say? 0:19:45.124,0:19:49.272 - So you think I don't have any[br]intelligence about helping you. 0:19:49.449,0:19:52.444 - Thank you for telling me that's what[br]you're hearing, mother. 0:19:52.563,0:19:54.913 I'd like for you to hear[br]it differently. 0:19:55.012,0:19:57.255 I'd like you just to hear my needs. 0:19:57.395,0:20:02.370 That I have a real need to kind of sort things[br]out for myself, and structure my own time. 0:20:02.560,0:20:05.405 Could you tell me what you heard? 0:20:06.827,0:20:11.719 - You have a need to kind of get clear for yourself[br]what you want and to figure things out. 0:20:11.819,0:20:13.392 - Thank you mother." 0:20:13.492,0:20:16.552 See how easy it is to get empathy[br]from a jackal? Just about 0:20:16.685,0:20:19.998 3 ear pulls, and I got it.[br]Right? 0:20:22.155,0:20:25.722 Now, there are some 8-pull[br]jackals, too, I know that. 0:20:25.861,0:20:30.328 But I can tell from how sweet you are[br]your mother is a 3-pull jackal. 0:20:30.642,0:20:31.821 - Thank you. 0:20:31.921,0:20:36.190 [Laughter] 0:20:37.840,0:20:39.651 - Yes... 0:20:39.897,0:20:43.484 - You mentioned earlier this morning[br]about enjoying suffering. 0:20:43.624,0:20:45.403 Could you elaborate on that? 0:20:45.543,0:20:49.083 - Oh yes. That's very important.[br]Thank you for getting back to me about it. 0:20:49.216,0:20:52.765 Ok. A friend of yours says this to you: 0:20:54.703,0:20:57.718 "I'm a nothing. 0:20:58.818,0:21:03.832 I'll never amount to anything.[br]Look, I'm an assistant clerk at age 45. 0:21:04.779,0:21:07.388 My brother's the head of his company, 0:21:07.528,0:21:10.002 my sister's a top attorney, 0:21:10.592,0:21:12.605 and I'm nothing." 0:21:12.745,0:21:14.611 Ok? 0:21:15.438,0:21:17.671 Now, to enjoy this person's suffering, 0:21:17.811,0:21:22.601 we have to release ourselves[br]from 2 kinds of responsibility. 0:21:23.317,0:21:26.826 First, that we didn't cause the pain. 0:21:27.361,0:21:29.778 And we want to release ourselves from that, 0:21:29.908,0:21:33.852 especially when the other person's trying[br]to make us believe we did cause the pain. 0:21:33.972,0:21:38.926 So if this person had started "and you're[br]at fault for all of this why I'm a nothing." 0:21:39.066,0:21:41.127 Especially when a person says that, 0:21:41.260,0:21:44.937 we do not want to in any way think[br]that we caused this person's pain, 0:21:45.070,0:21:49.307 because you can't cause another person's [br]psychological pain. 0:21:50.380,0:21:54.560 Well, in this case, the person wasn't[br]saying that so that's pretty easy to 0:21:54.680,0:21:56.959 liberate ourself from[br]feeling responsible, 0:21:57.068,0:22:00.406 but the second one is the hard one. 0:22:01.469,0:22:03.667 To think we have to fix it. 0:22:03.807,0:22:06.431 To make the person feel better. 0:22:06.539,0:22:10.360 The more we think it's our job[br]to make a person feel better, 0:22:10.510,0:22:13.376 the more we're going[br]to make it worse. 0:22:13.509,0:22:16.114 Because you can't fix people. 0:22:16.685,0:22:18.915 The good news is you don't have to. 0:22:19.053,0:22:24.009 There is a very powerful healing[br]energy always available 0:22:24.304,0:22:27.925 if we don't block it.[br]And how do we block that energy? 0:22:28.071,0:22:31.104 By trying to fix things ourselves. 0:22:32.541,0:22:35.764 So, how do we help that[br]energy to do the job? 0:22:35.914,0:22:38.084 By empathy. 0:22:38.287,0:22:42.580 Empathy requires presence,[br]just to be present. 0:22:42.727,0:22:46.958 When we are just present, when we are[br]remembering the Buddha's advice 0:22:47.068,0:22:50.514 "don't do something. Stand there." 0:22:51.918,0:22:56.453 When we do that, and that[br]energy works through us, 0:22:56.603,0:23:01.828 there is a precious connection[br]between that person and us. 0:23:02.604,0:23:05.736 And that precious connection is what[br]i mean by enjoying the pain, 0:23:05.876,0:23:08.501 to enjoy that precious connection. 0:23:08.641,0:23:13.022 And whether this person's[br]feeling joy or pain, 0:23:13.162,0:23:16.262 if we are present there with them, 0:23:16.502,0:23:18.686 that's what I mean. 0:23:19.311,0:23:24.917 But we block that beautiful energy whenever[br]we step in and think we have to fix things. 0:23:25.057,0:23:29.877 So, if we say "there, there, there. You'll feel[br]better. You'll get over it" we make it worse. 0:23:30.017,0:23:34.057 When we start to give advice,[br]we make it worse. 0:23:34.189,0:23:36.678 So, what does that look like? 0:23:36.781,0:23:40.712 "So, you're feeling really discouraged[br]and really would like 0:23:40.852,0:23:43.722 to have achieved more in your life[br]at this moment than you've done. 0:23:43.862,0:23:46.849 - Yes, yes, I've had every opportunity,[br]and look at me. 0:23:46.949,0:23:50.280 I've just never made[br]use of anything. 0:23:50.469,0:23:53.814 - Yeah, so you're really discouraged[br]and frustrated, and 0:23:53.924,0:23:58.189 would really liked to have made different[br]use of some things than you have. 0:23:58.368,0:23:59.495 - Yeah." 0:23:59.605,0:24:01.849 See, I'm just present. 0:24:01.979,0:24:03.838 I'm not trying to fix it. 0:24:03.978,0:24:07.312 And when that happens, there's[br]a very precious connection. 0:24:07.452,0:24:09.839 That's what I mean by enjoyment. 0:24:09.979,0:24:12.180 And that precious connection[br]does the healing. 0:24:12.320,0:24:15.214 Not your advice, [br]not your whatever. 0:24:15.384,0:24:17.191 Yes... 0:24:17.362,0:24:21.551 - Can you clarify the distinction[br]between empathizing, 0:24:21.661,0:24:26.085 and sort of encouraging and supporting[br]the soap opera of, 0:24:26.235,0:24:29.694 you know, somebody who is... 0:24:31.716,0:24:35.589 somebody who's suffering,[br]and sometimes by being there, 0:24:35.723,0:24:40.250 it's sort of a subtle encouragement, [br]as opposed to... 0:24:41.232,0:24:44.420 - The subtle encouragement that[br]I think you're talking about 0:24:44.530,0:24:47.982 comes about when this person is talking[br]about what happened to them, 0:24:48.091,0:24:51.014 for the 50th time you've[br]heard the story. 0:24:51.162,0:24:53.431 So, if I'm really listening to them, 0:24:53.581,0:24:56.233 I don't hear what they talk[br]about the past, 0:24:56.373,0:24:58.745 because I know that the more[br]they talk about the past, 0:24:58.885,0:25:01.678 the less healing will take place. 0:25:01.797,0:25:03.899 So I interrupt. 0:25:04.018,0:25:07.832 But I interrupt to bring the[br]conversation to life. 0:25:07.955,0:25:10.433 They're talking about the past,[br]and I interrupt and I say 0:25:10.563,0:25:14.712 "excuse me, but it sounds like right[br]now you're still feeling hurt, 0:25:14.822,0:25:19.262 because your need for respect[br]wasn't met in that". 0:25:19.361,0:25:22.261 See? Because just letting them[br]talk about the past 0:25:22.401,0:25:25.772 and asking them questions about[br]what happened about the past 0:25:25.912,0:25:28.417 is to just keep the soap[br]opera going. 0:25:28.557,0:25:30.947 So I interrupt when they talk[br]about the past 0:25:31.056,0:25:34.626 because we don't heal by[br]talking about the past. 0:25:34.745,0:25:37.972 we heal by talking about what's[br]alive in us right now, 0:25:38.050,0:25:42.386 stimulated by the past,[br]but it's what is here now 0:25:42.573,0:25:46.380 and when I connect at that level[br]they won't keep talking about it. 0:25:46.520,0:25:48.357 They'll heal. 0:25:49.233,0:25:52.191 Last question and then[br]I'm going to get into 0:25:52.331,0:25:56.352 the subject that I'd like to cover[br]before the end. Yes? 0:26:00.178,0:26:04.145 - You talk about having... let's see... 0:26:04.395,0:26:07.928 if someone else cannot cause[br]our emotional pain... 0:26:08.068,0:26:11.119 - That's right.[br]- ...and I think about 0:26:11.790,0:26:16.665 the abuse that I grew up with and[br]that I see in a lot of families 0:26:17.005,0:26:20.948 and the suffering that I've experienced[br]throughout my life, 0:26:21.041,0:26:23.191 through my recovery and all that,... 0:26:23.331,0:26:26.674 - And other people were a stimulus[br]for your suffering 0:26:26.801,0:26:30.758 and you were a participant[br]by how you dealt with it. 0:26:31.136,0:26:36.379 For example, if you follow me in my work[br]you would see this very clearly. 0:26:38.126,0:26:41.824 In places like Rwanda, Burundi,[br]Sierra Leone, 0:26:41.952,0:26:45.153 I'm working with people that[br]had their families killed. 0:26:45.269,0:26:48.204 Some of those people have such rage 0:26:48.324,0:26:53.251 that all they live for, moment by moment[br]is the possibility of vengeance. 0:26:53.850,0:26:56.477 Others have no anger,[br]have never had anger. 0:26:56.577,0:26:58.623 Same exact stimulus. 0:26:58.763,0:27:02.479 They have deep feelings,[br]but not rage. 0:27:02.594,0:27:06.919 So it is not the stimulus that determines[br]how our emocional reaction is. 0:27:07.109,0:27:09.237 That part is up to us. 0:27:10.556,0:27:16.755 I work with some women, [br]unfortunately a lot, who have been raped. 0:27:17.713,0:27:21.809 And some of them feel shame,[br]deep shame, 0:27:22.111,0:27:26.535 some feel rage,[br]some feel other things. 0:27:26.679,0:27:29.808 So the same stimulus 0:27:30.103,0:27:35.554 depends how people take it whether they[br]feel shame, rage or other things. 0:27:35.875,0:27:39.272 I'm working with a women from[br]Rwanda who had... 0:27:39.381,0:27:42.210 she heard her three children being[br]killed because she got 0:27:42.330,0:27:45.504 to underneath the sink, hid underneath[br]the sink in time, 0:27:45.644,0:27:49.094 the children didn't make it to the hiding place[br]in time, they got killed, she heard them, 0:27:49.204,0:27:52.242 she heard her husband being killed[br]and her brother. 0:27:52.382,0:27:55.171 She had to stay underneath there[br]11 days to save her own life 0:27:55.311,0:27:58.202 because they stayed in the house[br]after they killed the family. 0:27:59.645,0:28:02.406 This woman has deep feelings, 0:28:02.546,0:28:06.617 but never once she had the kind of anger[br]that makes her want to get vengeance. 0:28:06.757,0:28:10.408 She has put all of her feelings and[br]lots of them into protecting... 0:28:10.558,0:28:14.257 preventing this happening[br]to anybody else. You see? 0:28:14.379,0:28:17.515 So the way she looked at it[br]leads her to want to 0:28:17.635,0:28:21.346 prevent this happening to anybody else.[br]She came to my workshop 0:28:21.533,0:28:24.205 because she wanted to know how[br]to deal with the rage towards her 0:28:24.345,0:28:28.514 from other people in her tribe[br]who are furious with her 0:28:28.654,0:28:33.420 that she won't join their efforts[br]to kill the other people. 0:28:33.590,0:28:37.424 Same stimulus,[br]quite different reactions. 0:28:37.544,0:28:39.847 - Ok, so I had this stimulus 0:28:39.945,0:28:42.585 and somewhere I learned[br]how to deal with it 0:28:42.698,0:28:45.875 in the way that I had dealt with it[br]and I'm learning to change that now. 0:28:45.978,0:28:49.843 - Yes. The worst thing of course would be no[br]matter how you did choose to deal with it 0:28:49.943,0:28:53.365 is to think that there is something wrong[br]with how you chose to deal with it. 0:28:53.505,0:28:57.236 I'm not wanting us to get into one way[br]is right or wrong, I'm just saying that 0:28:57.376,0:28:59.572 no matter what happens to us, 0:28:59.712,0:29:01.962 the other person is responsible[br]for what they did, 0:29:02.040,0:29:04.222 I'm not saying that the other person[br]doesn't have responsability. 0:29:04.302,0:29:06.019 - That's my question about[br]accountability. 0:29:06.097,0:29:09.949 - That person is responsible for what[br]they did and why they did it. 0:29:10.089,0:29:14.433 We are responsible for how[br]we deal with that. 0:29:19.158,0:29:20.805 OK? 0:29:21.611,0:29:25.915 I'm just wondering how a child becomes[br]responsible... I mean still... 0:29:26.025,0:29:30.384 The first thing I do is, I wouldn't want to teach[br]the child the lesson I just tought you 0:29:30.494,0:29:33.770 until I had given that child [br]all the empathy that child needed 0:29:33.863,0:29:35.960 and I would guess it would be a lot. 0:29:36.050,0:29:39.001 So I can see myself dealing[br]with a long time 0:29:39.094,0:29:43.527 of hearing this childs enormous[br]pain as a result of this. 0:29:44.493,0:29:48.541 But then in the course of this[br]I would be seeing this child 0:29:48.661,0:29:52.412 having some pain created by[br]how they looked at it. 0:29:52.543,0:29:57.307 So I would see that they're creating[br]pain on top of pain, 0:29:57.420,0:29:59.934 by how they looked at it 0:30:00.043,0:30:04.687 so, after the child had all the empathy[br]he or she needed 0:30:04.817,0:30:07.621 then I would do what I could[br]to get them to see it 0:30:07.761,0:30:12.562 in a way that wouldn't create[br]unnecessary pain for themselves. 0:30:17.752,0:30:20.489 This is a baby jackal yes. 0:30:23.431,0:30:27.083 OK, now what I would like to do [br]in the precious time that we have left 0:30:27.223,0:30:31.171 is to deal with a very important part of[br]giraffe, because I wouldn't want you to 0:30:31.311,0:30:33.978 get the idea that[br]Non Violent Communication 0:30:34.056,0:30:37.480 is solely interested in[br]conflict resolution, 0:30:37.620,0:30:41.107 because it's equally[br]interested in celebration. 0:30:41.227,0:30:43.008 How could we celebrate life 0:30:43.148,0:30:47.189 in fact, the part that I have left for[br]ten minutes before the end 0:30:47.329,0:30:51.901 is in some respects the most important part[br]because it's where we get the fuel 0:30:52.071,0:30:54.156 to stay giraffe 0:30:54.612,0:30:57.837 in a what's often a[br]very jackalish world. 0:30:57.975,0:31:02.177 So it's going to be pretty hard to[br]make this radical transformation into 0:31:02.287,0:31:04.502 back to our nature 0:31:05.885,0:31:10.466 in many situations unless we[br]are getting plenty of fuel. 0:31:10.836,0:31:12.910 Now where does the fuel come from? 0:31:13.050,0:31:16.070 The fuel comes from celebration. 0:31:16.726,0:31:18.424 And what kind of celebration? 0:31:18.564,0:31:22.435 It comes from saying[br]thank you in giraffe. 0:31:22.575,0:31:26.385 So let's see now, in the last minutes,[br]how we celebrate 0:31:26.525,0:31:28.287 by saying thank you in giraffe. 0:31:28.427,0:31:31.347 Expressing gratitude in giraffe. 0:31:32.703,0:31:38.049 And first I would like to remind you[br]of how jackals say thank you. 0:31:38.172,0:31:41.421 "You did a good job on that paper." 0:31:41.783,0:31:44.666 "You are a very kind person." 0:31:45.689,0:31:48.198 "You are a good dancer." 0:31:48.574,0:31:51.579 Can you see why that's jackal? 0:31:52.481,0:31:54.562 Moralistic judgements. 0:31:54.702,0:31:58.844 Positive moralistic judgements[br]are equally 0:31:58.984,0:32:02.359 as violent in my estimations[br]as negative ones. 0:32:02.442,0:32:07.741 Namely they reinforce the idea that the[br]negative exist. If I say you're a kind person, 0:32:07.881,0:32:11.196 I'm implying there's such a thing[br]as an unkind person. 0:32:11.312,0:32:15.815 I'm also implying that I'm the judge[br]that knows the difference. 0:32:16.227,0:32:21.231 So no more praise or compliments, OK?[br]No more praise or compliments. 0:32:21.371,0:32:24.290 Especially when you intend[br]them as a reward. 0:32:24.430,0:32:29.743 That's the ultimate dehumanization,[br]to use thank you as a reward. 0:32:29.883,0:32:32.605 To say it for the purpose of trying[br]to reinforce someting, 0:32:32.745,0:32:36.221 To get the person to continue doing it. 0:32:36.338,0:32:41.246 It's like sending a... what goes on at[br]a dog obedience school? 0:32:41.383,0:32:43.919 Punishment and rewards. 0:32:44.059,0:32:47.934 Giving a compliment or praise for[br]the purpose of reinforcement 0:32:48.043,0:32:52.514 is giving the dog a... something to[br]eat to reinforce it for something. 0:32:52.654,0:32:55.211 People are not for that treatment. 0:32:55.324,0:32:58.996 And it destroys the beauty[br]of thank you, 0:32:59.659,0:33:01.388 when people have to wonder: 0:33:01.528,0:33:04.754 "Is this being said out of that energy?" 0:33:04.866,0:33:06.514 "- But it works! 0:33:06.654,0:33:08.301 - What does, jackal? 0:33:08.441,0:33:11.865 - Studies in management indicate[br]that if managers 0:33:12.005,0:33:16.587 praise and compliment employees[br]daily, product goes up. 0:33:16.710,0:33:18.869 Studies in school show[br]that if teachers 0:33:19.009,0:33:23.950 praise and compliment students[br]daily they work harder. 0:33:24.051,0:33:26.407 - Jackal take another look[br]at the research. 0:33:26.547,0:33:30.625 I think you'll see that that only[br]works for a very short time, 0:33:30.765,0:33:34.215 until people see the manipulation. 0:33:34.332,0:33:36.612 And then it no longer works. 0:33:36.736,0:33:38.972 And it destroys the beauty[br]of thank you 0:33:39.065,0:33:43.274 because now [br]you can not even trust gratitude 0:33:43.405,0:33:49.354 without wondering whether it's being[br]used as reinforcement, as a reward. 0:33:49.498,0:33:54.416 - Well what if I want to build up the other[br]person's self-esteem, what's wrong with that? 0:33:54.556,0:33:56.742 - So you... jackal you don't see[br]the irony of that? 0:33:56.882,0:33:58.535 - What? 0:33:58.634,0:34:03.431 - If the other person can only like themself when[br]you compliment them, they have no self-esteem. 0:34:03.571,0:34:07.497 You've just addicted them[br]to your rewards. 0:34:07.798,0:34:14.264 That they only feel good when you say something[br]about them. They have no self-esteem." 0:34:14.420,0:34:16.176 OK. 0:34:16.475,0:34:20.902 How does a giraffe say[br]"thank you"? Or gratitude? 0:34:21.042,0:34:24.686 First, there are three things that are[br]involved in a giraffe expression of 0:34:24.826,0:34:29.460 gratitude that give us energy to[br]keep being a giraffe. 0:34:29.792,0:34:31.987 The first thing in a giraffe expression[br]of gratitude 0:34:32.080,0:34:36.059 is we bring to this other person's[br]attention concretely 0:34:36.199,0:34:41.116 what they have done that has made[br]life more wonderful for us. 0:34:41.268,0:34:44.253 See, that's what we need to do, daily. 0:34:44.393,0:34:47.899 We need to bring our consciousness[br]and attention 0:34:48.039,0:34:51.415 to the power that each one of us has 0:34:51.554,0:34:54.360 to make life more wonderful. 0:34:55.355,0:34:58.278 Each of us is a powerhouse. 0:34:59.657,0:35:01.489 We have words 0:35:02.446,0:35:08.750 that have the power to contribute to making[br]people's lives more wonderful. 0:35:08.844,0:35:12.150 We have touch, we can touch[br]people in ways 0:35:12.290,0:35:15.442 that can make life more wonderful. 0:35:15.558,0:35:18.903 We can provide services for people. 0:35:19.256,0:35:21.488 We are powerhouses. 0:35:21.682,0:35:24.312 The more we remember this, 0:35:24.459,0:35:28.498 we'll not get caught up in any [br]violent games. 0:35:29.064,0:35:31.295 Why would we use our energy 0:35:31.473,0:35:36.911 any way other than to make life wonderful[br]when we remember that we have this power? 0:35:37.053,0:35:41.134 So that's one thing we've got to make[br]clear in our expression of gratitude 0:35:41.274,0:35:43.434 specifically what the person did, 0:35:43.574,0:35:46.485 not some vague generality. 0:35:46.983,0:35:51.023 For example a woman in Geneva Switzerland[br]came by up to me at the end of a workshop. 0:35:51.163,0:35:55.304 Here's what she said to me:[br]"You're brilliant." 0:35:57.000,0:35:59.243 I said:[br]"Doesn't help." 0:36:00.331,0:36:01.299 She said:[br]"What do you mean?" 0:36:01.439,0:36:06.219 I said: "You know mam, I've been called a[br]lot of names in my life, really I have. 0:36:06.359,0:36:09.691 Some positive and some[br]far less than positive. 0:36:09.831,0:36:15.497 And I can never recall learning anything valuable[br]by somebody telling me what I am. 0:36:15.637,0:36:20.073 I think there's zero information[br]value being told what you are 0:36:20.213,0:36:23.130 and great danger,[br]you might believe it. 0:36:23.241,0:36:28.701 And it's just as dangerous to believe[br]that you're smart as that you're stupid. 0:36:28.892,0:36:32.102 Both of them reduce you to a thing. 0:36:33.212,0:36:36.700 We're much more than either of those. 0:36:37.897,0:36:41.584 But I can see in your eyes that you[br]want to express some gratitude. 0:36:41.724,0:36:42.600 - Yes! 0:36:42.740,0:36:46.290 - And I want to receive it but, doesn't[br]help me to be told what I am. 0:36:46.430,0:36:47.920 - What do you need to hear? 0:36:48.060,0:36:51.856 - What did I do to make life[br]more wonderful for you? 0:36:51.961,0:36:53.774 - Well, well, you're so intelligent. 0:36:53.914,0:36:55.786 - No, doesn't help. 0:36:56.492,0:36:59.040 - Doesn't help. What did I do? 0:36:59.160,0:37:00.415 Oh I got you, I got you." 0:37:00.555,0:37:02.544 She opens up her notebook, 0:37:02.648,0:37:05.999 she showed me two things that I had said[br]that she had written down. 0:37:06.139,0:37:08.763 She put a big star by them. 0:37:09.066,0:37:10.992 See? That helps me now. [br]Ok. 0:37:11.085,0:37:13.579 That helps to know, [br]that somehow, 0:37:13.719,0:37:19.064 my saying those two things[br]made this persons life more wonderful. 0:37:19.204,0:37:21.832 So that's the first thing we need to say 0:37:21.959,0:37:26.981 in appreciation. We need to bring to the[br]persons attention concretely what they did 0:37:27.121,0:37:28.772 that made life more wonderful. 0:37:28.912,0:37:33.452 Second:[br]at the moment we're giving the gratitude 0:37:33.592,0:37:39.244 to say how we feel at that moment[br]about the person having done that. 0:37:39.384,0:37:41.111 So I said to this woman: 0:37:41.251,0:37:45.877 "Could you tell me how you feel now as the[br]result of my having said those two things?" 0:37:46.017,0:37:47.909 She said "Hopeful and relieved." 0:37:48.049,0:37:50.499 - Oh! Hopeful and relieved! 0:37:52.452,0:37:56.600 That gives me much more than telling[br]me what I am, that I'm brilliant." 0:37:56.740,0:38:00.912 Just to know that somehow my[br]saying those two things, 0:38:00.995,0:38:04.615 now this person feels hopeful[br]and relieved. 0:38:04.704,0:38:09.371 Now when I hear the third thing I'll be[br]able to really enjoy this gratitude. 0:38:09.511,0:38:13.108 I said: "what need of yours[br]was fulfilled 0:38:13.480,0:38:15.033 by my saying what I did 0:38:15.096,0:38:18.941 that leaves you feeling hopeful[br]and relieved?" 0:38:19.051,0:38:23.401 And that's the third thing we need[br]to see in a giraffe gratitude. 0:38:23.484,0:38:26.595 She said,[br]"I have an 18 year old son. 0:38:26.735,0:38:29.600 I've never been able to[br]connect with him. 0:38:29.712,0:38:31.964 It's been very painful that[br]we never can connect, 0:38:32.057,0:38:36.761 and I have needed some direction,[br]to help me connect with him. 0:38:36.901,0:38:42.788 Those two things you said met my[br]need for some concrete direction." 0:38:43.690,0:38:47.819 So had she exressed her gratitude[br]in giraffe, she would have said: 0:38:47.959,0:38:50.296 "Marshall when you said these two things," 0:38:50.436,0:38:52.542 (showed me what the two things were) 0:38:52.676,0:38:55.422 "it leaves me feeling hopeful[br]and relieved, 0:38:55.562,0:39:00.970 it meets a need of mine to connect[br]with my son in a way that I want." 0:39:01.809,0:39:05.947 OK? That's how we say gratitude in[br]giraffe. Those three things. 0:39:06.087,0:39:10.477 And it's also important how[br]we receive gratitude. 0:39:11.460,0:39:15.669 Let me show you how a jackal[br]receives gratitude. 0:39:15.809,0:39:17.769 "Jackal when you offered to[br]give me the ride 0:39:17.909,0:39:20.124 that just now to where I'm[br]going afterwards 0:39:20.264,0:39:21.667 I feel very grateful because 0:39:21.807,0:39:24.488 I really have a need to spend[br]more time with my family, 0:39:24.628,0:39:28.189 and if I took the bus I'd have[br]an hour less time. 0:39:28.329,0:39:29.731 - It's nothing." 0:39:31.799,0:39:33.621 "De rien." 0:39:36.982,0:39:42.661 If you want to terrorize a jackal,[br]express love and appreciation to him. 0:39:43.044,0:39:46.947 Really, if you really want[br]to scare a jackal, 0:39:47.222,0:39:50.344 I've never seen anything scare[br]jackal-speaking people more 0:39:50.484,0:39:53.496 than sincere gratitude or love. 0:39:54.824,0:39:58.268 "Why do you get so nervous,[br]jackal, when you hear it? 0:39:58.414,0:40:01.647 - Well I don't know that I deserved it." 0:40:02.817,0:40:05.780 See, jackals have this dangerous[br]concept in their head: 0:40:05.920,0:40:07.722 Deserve. 0:40:07.848,0:40:10.293 It's a very violent concept. 0:40:10.439,0:40:14.763 See it implies you have to[br]deserve appreciation. 0:40:14.933,0:40:20.381 You do deserve punishment if you behave in[br]a certain way. See, the concept of deserve 0:40:20.521,0:40:24.200 is a key ingredient in a[br]violent way of life. 0:40:24.704,0:40:28.113 If you believe in deserve you think[br]certain things are worth things, 0:40:28.253,0:40:31.542 and you'll set up a very destructive[br]economic system. 0:40:31.682,0:40:35.227 You'll set up a destructive[br]correctional system. 0:40:35.367,0:40:37.997 Very dangerous concept. 0:40:39.184,0:40:40.547 "Well that's not the only reason. 0:40:40.687,0:40:45.924 - Why else do you get so scared when[br]you hear gratitude jackal? 0:40:46.209,0:40:49.376 - What's wrong with being humble? 0:40:51.589,0:40:53.861 - So you want to...[br]have a need for humility? 0:40:54.001,0:40:55.328 - Yes. 0:40:55.468,0:40:57.965 - Well you know jackal there's[br]different kinds of humility. 0:40:58.058,0:41:01.361 I'm afraid that your kind is[br]a jackal humility. 0:41:01.441,0:41:04.958 I think your kind is the kind that[br]Golda Meir, the Israeli Prime Minister, 0:41:05.036,0:41:09.058 was reacting to when she said to[br]one of her politicians: 0:41:09.198,0:41:13.088 'Don't be so humble,[br]you're not that great.'" 0:41:19.051,0:41:21.975 But the main reason that I[br]believe that gratitude 0:41:22.053,0:41:24.633 is so scary for many of us to receive 0:41:24.773,0:41:29.055 is beautifully and poetically written[br]in 'The Course of Miracles' 0:41:29.139,0:41:31.994 where they say "it's our light,[br]not our darkness, 0:41:32.072,0:41:34.520 that scares us the most." 0:41:35.657,0:41:40.706 See having been educated in this[br]jackal way to hate ourselves, 0:41:40.819,0:41:44.496 to think there's something[br]wrong with us. 0:41:44.597,0:41:47.648 It's a big jump to really[br]see what I was saying. 0:41:47.788,0:41:52.899 That we have an enormous power[br]to make life wonderful. 0:41:53.644,0:41:59.620 And there's nothing we enjoy doing[br]more than exercising that power. 0:42:00.061,0:42:05.020 That's pretty unfortunately a pretty big jump[br]for us to come to. But we can come to it. 0:42:05.160,0:42:09.985 So that's how we say gratitude:[br]observation, feeling and need. 0:42:10.125,0:42:11.996 Same literacy. 0:42:12.737,0:42:15.546 Make sure it's coming from[br]the heart to celebrate, 0:42:15.686,0:42:19.180 and never to praise,[br]compliment, reward. 0:42:19.334,0:42:24.798 So any last comments or questions[br]before our time runs out? 0:42:26.394,0:42:30.742 I'm grateful for all your time[br]and attention to me.