[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.93,0:00:02.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we cheat?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.42,0:00:06.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And why do happy people cheat?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.64,0:00:13.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And when we say "infidelity,"\Nwhat exactly do we mean?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.21,0:00:20.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it a hookup, a love story,\Npaid sex, a chat room,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.59,0:00:22.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a massage with a happy ending?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.36,0:00:29.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we think that men cheat\Nout of boredom and fear of intimacy,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:29.49,0:00:34.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but women cheat out of loneliness\Nand hunger for intimacy?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.77,0:00:39.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And is an affair always\Nthe end of a relationship?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.29,0:00:44.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,For the past 10 years,\NI have traveled the globe
Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.49,0:00:47.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and worked extensively\Nwith hundreds of couples
Dialogue: 0,0:00:47.54,0:00:49.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who have been shattered by infidelity.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.100,0:00:54.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is one simple act of transgression
Dialogue: 0,0:00:54.64,0:00:58.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that can rob a couple\Nof their relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:59.02,0:01:03.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,their happiness and their\Nvery identity: an affair.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:03.90,0:01:09.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, this extremely common\Nact is so poorly understood.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.59,0:01:15.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So this talk is for anyone\Nwho has ever loved.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.68,0:01:21.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Adultery has existed\Nsince marriage was invented,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.52,0:01:24.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so, too, the taboo against it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.09,0:01:30.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, infidelity has a tenacity\Nthat marriage can only envy,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.83,0:01:34.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so much so, that this is\Nthe only commandment
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.29,0:01:38.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that is repeated twice in the Bible:
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.22,0:01:42.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,once for doing it, and once\Njust for thinking about it.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.35,0:01:44.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.62,0:01:48.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So how do we reconcile\Nwhat is universally forbidden,
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.92,0:01:51.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,yet universally practiced?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.06,0:01:58.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, throughout history, men\Npractically had a license to cheat
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.04,0:02:00.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with little consequence,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.33,0:02:04.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and supported by a host\Nof biological and evolutionary theories
Dialogue: 0,0:02:04.74,0:02:07.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that justified their need to roam,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.32,0:02:11.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so the double standard\Nis as old as adultery itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.40,0:02:17.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But who knows what's really going on\Nunder the sheets there, right?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.92,0:02:19.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because when it comes to sex,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.78,0:02:23.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the pressure for men\Nis to boast and to exaggerate,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:23.94,0:02:29.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the pressure for women\Nis to hide, minimize and deny,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.48,0:02:33.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which isn't surprising when you consider\Nthat there are still nine countries
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.71,0:02:36.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where women can be killed for straying.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.82,0:02:42.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, monogamy used to be\None person for life.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.91,0:02:45.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Today, monogamy is one person at a time.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:46.27,0:02:48.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.16,0:02:50.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:02:52.36,0:02:54.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, many of you probably have said,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.30,0:02:56.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I am monogamous in all my relationships."
Dialogue: 0,0:02:57.46,0:02:59.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:00.62,0:03:02.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We used to marry,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.26,0:03:04.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and had sex for the first time.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:04.61,0:03:06.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now we marry,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.08,0:03:08.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we stop having sex with others.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.46,0:03:13.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The fact is that monogamy\Nhad nothing to do with love.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:14.33,0:03:16.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Men relied on women's fidelity
Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.92,0:03:19.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in order to know whose children these are,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.96,0:03:22.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and who gets the cows when I die.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.20,0:03:26.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, everyone wants to know
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.66,0:03:28.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what percentage of people cheat.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:28.40,0:03:31.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've been asked that question\Nsince I arrived at this conference.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.66,0:03:34.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:03:34.26,0:03:35.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It applies to you.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.47,0:03:40.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the definition of infidelity\Nkeeps on expanding:
Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.96,0:03:46.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sexting, watching porn, staying\Nsecretly active on dating apps.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.33,0:03:50.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So because there is no\Nuniversally agreed-upon definition
Dialogue: 0,0:03:50.82,0:03:53.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of what even constitutes an infidelity,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.96,0:03:59.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,estimates vary widely,\Nfrom 26 percent to 75 percent.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:00.73,0:04:03.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But on top of it, we are\Nwalking contradictions.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.17,0:04:07.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So 95 percent of us will say\Nthat it is terribly wrong
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.79,0:04:10.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for our partner to lie\Nabout having an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.97,0:04:13.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but just about the same\Namount of us will say
Dialogue: 0,0:04:13.21,0:04:16.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that that's exactly what we\Nwould do if we were having one.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:16.37,0:04:18.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.87,0:04:23.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I like this definition\Nof an affair --
Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.58,0:04:27.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it brings together the three key elements:
Dialogue: 0,0:04:27.33,0:04:33.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a secretive relationship,\Nwhich is the core structure of an affair;
Dialogue: 0,0:04:33.03,0:04:37.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an emotional connection\Nto one degree or another;
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.83,0:04:39.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a sexual alchemy.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:40.36,0:04:43.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And alchemy is the key word here,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.34,0:04:50.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because the erotic frisson is such that\Nthe kiss that you only imagine giving,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.26,0:04:53.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can be as powerful and as enchanting
Dialogue: 0,0:04:53.35,0:04:55.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as hours of actual lovemaking.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.76,0:04:59.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As Marcel Proust said,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.34,0:05:04.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's our imagination that is responsible\Nfor love, not the other person.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.90,0:05:09.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it's never been easier to cheat,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:09.76,0:05:13.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's never been more\Ndifficult to keep a secret.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.100,0:05:18.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And never has infidelity exacted\Nsuch a psychological toll.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.98,0:05:23.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When marriage was an economic enterprise,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.34,0:05:26.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,infidelity threatened\Nour economic security.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:27.08,0:05:29.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now that marriage\Nis a romantic arrangement,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.96,0:05:33.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,infidelity threatens\Nour emotional security.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.78,0:05:38.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Ironically, we used to turn to adultery --
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.04,0:05:41.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that was the space where\Nwe sought pure love.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:41.29,0:05:43.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now that we seek love in marriage,
Dialogue: 0,0:05:43.48,0:05:45.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,adultery destroys it.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.94,0:05:51.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, there are three ways that I think\Ninfidelity hurts differently today.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.80,0:05:59.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have a romantic ideal\Nin which we turn to one person
Dialogue: 0,0:05:59.61,0:06:02.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to fulfill an endless list of needs:
Dialogue: 0,0:06:02.81,0:06:06.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to be my greatest lover, my best friend,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.41,0:06:09.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the best parent, my trusted confidant,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.56,0:06:12.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my emotional companion,\Nmy intellectual equal.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.62,0:06:17.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I am it: I'm chosen, I'm unique,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.93,0:06:21.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm indispensable, I'm irreplaceable,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:21.24,0:06:22.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm the one.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.36,0:06:26.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And infidelity tells me I'm not.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:27.31,0:06:29.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is the ultimate betrayal.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.100,0:06:33.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Infidelity shatters\Nthe grand ambition of love.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:34.68,0:06:39.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if throughout history,\Ninfidelity has always been painful,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.56,0:06:41.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,today it is often traumatic,
Dialogue: 0,0:06:41.92,0:06:44.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it threatens our sense of self.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:45.05,0:06:47.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So my patient Fernando, he's plagued.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.85,0:06:50.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He goes on: "I thought I knew my life.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.60,0:06:54.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I thought I knew who you were,\Nwho we were as a couple, who I was.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:54.80,0:06:57.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I question everything."
Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.63,0:07:02.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Infidelity -- a violation of trust,\Na crisis of identity.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.82,0:07:05.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Can I ever trust you again?" he asks.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:05.15,0:07:07.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Can I ever trust anyone again?"
Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.82,0:07:11.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And this is also what my patient\NHeather is telling me,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.90,0:07:14.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when she's talking to me\Nabout her story with Nick.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.53,0:07:15.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Married, two kids.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.98,0:07:18.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nick just left on a business trip,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:18.66,0:07:22.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and Heather is playing\Non his iPad with the boys,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:22.19,0:07:25.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when she sees a message\Nappear on the screen:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.13,0:07:26.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Can't wait to see you."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.62,0:07:30.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Strange, she thinks,\Nwe just saw each other.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.86,0:07:32.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then another message:
Dialogue: 0,0:07:32.90,0:07:35.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Can't wait to hold you in my arms."
Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.100,0:07:38.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Heather realizes
Dialogue: 0,0:07:38.24,0:07:39.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,these are not for her.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.44,0:07:43.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She also tells me\Nthat her father had affairs,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.81,0:07:47.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but her mother, she found\None little receipt in the pocket,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:47.78,0:07:49.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a little bit of lipstick\Non the collar.
Dialogue: 0,0:07:51.22,0:07:54.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Heather, she goes digging,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:54.61,0:07:57.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she finds hundreds of messages,
Dialogue: 0,0:07:57.67,0:08:01.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and photos exchanged\Nand desires expressed.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:01.42,0:08:04.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The vivid details\Nof Nick's two-year affair
Dialogue: 0,0:08:04.12,0:08:07.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,unfold in front of her in real time,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.100,0:08:09.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it made me think:
Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.27,0:08:14.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Affairs in the digital age\Nare death by a thousand cuts.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:15.85,0:08:19.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But then we have another paradox\Nthat we're dealing with these days.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.11,0:08:21.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because of this romantic ideal,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.42,0:08:26.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we are relying on our partner's\Nfidelity with a unique fervor.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:26.100,0:08:30.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we also have never\Nbeen more inclined to stray,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.54,0:08:33.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not because we have new desires today,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:33.26,0:08:35.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but because we live in an era
Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.00,0:08:38.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where we feel that we are\Nentitled to pursue our desires,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.68,0:08:42.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because this is the culture\Nwhere I deserve to be happy.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:43.27,0:08:47.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if we used to divorce\Nbecause we were unhappy,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.04,0:08:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,today we divorce\Nbecause we could be happier.
Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.56,0:08:54.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if divorce carried all the shame,
Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.85,0:08:58.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,today, choosing to stay when you can leave
Dialogue: 0,0:08:58.74,0:09:00.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is the new shame.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:00.66,0:09:03.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So Heather, she can't talk to her friends
Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.17,0:09:06.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because she's afraid that they\Nwill judge her for still loving Nick,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:06.43,0:09:09.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and everywhere she turns,\Nshe gets the same advice:
Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.98,0:09:12.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:13.74,0:09:18.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And if the situation were reversed,\NNick would be in the same situation.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:19.07,0:09:21.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Staying is the new shame.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.40,0:09:26.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if we can divorce,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.36,0:09:28.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,why do we still have affairs?
Dialogue: 0,0:09:29.100,0:09:34.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, the typical assumption\Nis that if someone cheats,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.56,0:09:38.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,either there's something wrong\Nin your relationship or wrong with you.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.44,0:09:42.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But millions of people\Ncan't all be pathological.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:44.38,0:09:48.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The logic goes like this: If you\Nhave everything you need at home,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.29,0:09:51.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then there is no need\Nto go looking elsewhere,
Dialogue: 0,0:09:51.72,0:09:55.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,assuming that there is such\Na thing as a perfect marriage
Dialogue: 0,0:09:55.19,0:09:58.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that will inoculate us against wanderlust.
Dialogue: 0,0:09:59.16,0:10:02.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what if passion\Nhas a finite shelf life?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.62,0:10:07.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What if there are things\Nthat even a good relationship
Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.34,0:10:08.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,can never provide?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:10.19,0:10:13.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If even happy people cheat,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:13.20,0:10:14.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what is it about?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:16.76,0:10:19.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The vast majority of people\Nthat I actually work with
Dialogue: 0,0:10:19.64,0:10:22.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are not at all chronic philanderers.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.43,0:10:26.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are often people who are\Ndeeply monogamous in their beliefs,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:26.48,0:10:28.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at least for their partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.86,0:10:31.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But they find themselves in a conflict
Dialogue: 0,0:10:31.50,0:10:34.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between their values and their behavior.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:35.57,0:10:39.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They often are people who have\Nactually been faithful for decades,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:39.94,0:10:42.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but one day they cross a line
Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.57,0:10:45.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they never thought they would cross,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:45.05,0:10:47.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and at the risk of losing everything.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:48.73,0:10:50.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for a glimmer of what?
Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.97,0:10:54.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Affairs are an act of betrayal,
Dialogue: 0,0:10:54.61,0:10:57.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they are also an expression\Nof longing and loss.
Dialogue: 0,0:10:58.61,0:11:02.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At the heart of an affair,\Nyou will often find
Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.53,0:11:06.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a longing and a yearning\Nfor an emotional connection,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.79,0:11:12.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for novelty, for freedom,\Nfor autonomy, for sexual intensity,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.56,0:11:16.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a wish to recapture\Nlost parts of ourselves
Dialogue: 0,0:11:16.23,0:11:21.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or an attempt to bring back\Nvitality in the face of loss and tragedy.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.85,0:11:25.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm thinking about\Nanother patient of mine, Priya,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.77,0:11:28.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who is blissfully married,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:28.38,0:11:29.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,loves her husband,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:29.85,0:11:32.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and would never want to hurt the man.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:32.71,0:11:34.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But she also tells me
Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.83,0:11:38.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that she's always done\Nwhat was expected of her:
Dialogue: 0,0:11:38.00,0:11:41.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,good girl, good wife, good mother,
Dialogue: 0,0:11:41.68,0:11:44.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,taking care of her immigrant parents.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:44.68,0:11:49.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Priya, she fell for the arborist\Nwho removed the tree from her yard
Dialogue: 0,0:11:49.21,0:11:50.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after Hurricane Sandy.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.52,0:11:56.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And with his truck and his tattoos,\Nhe's quite the opposite of her.
Dialogue: 0,0:11:57.55,0:12:02.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But at 47, Priya's affair is about\Nthe adolescence that she never had.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:03.75,0:12:09.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And her story highlights for me\Nthat when we seek the gaze of another,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:09.03,0:12:13.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it isn't always our partner\Nthat we are turning away from,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:13.75,0:12:16.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the person that\Nwe have ourselves become.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:17.73,0:12:21.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it isn't so much that we're\Nlooking for another person,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:21.27,0:12:24.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as much as we are\Nlooking for another self.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:27.04,0:12:28.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, all over the world,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:28.60,0:12:32.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there is one word that people\Nwho have affairs always tell me.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:33.03,0:12:34.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They feel alive.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.05,0:12:40.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And they often will tell me\Nstories of recent losses --
Dialogue: 0,0:12:40.29,0:12:42.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of a parent who died,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:42.14,0:12:44.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and a friend that went too soon,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:44.34,0:12:46.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and bad news at the doctor.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:47.48,0:12:52.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Death and mortality often live\Nin the shadow of an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.14,0:12:54.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because they raise these questions.
Dialogue: 0,0:12:54.63,0:12:57.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is this it? Is there more?
Dialogue: 0,0:12:57.90,0:13:00.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Am I going on for another\N25 years like this?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.87,0:13:04.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Will I ever feel that thing again?
Dialogue: 0,0:13:06.38,0:13:10.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it has led me to think\Nthat perhaps these questions
Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.79,0:13:13.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are the ones that propel\Npeople to cross the line,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:13.95,0:13:17.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that some affairs are\Nan attempt to beat back deadness,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:17.94,0:13:19.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in an antidote to death.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.100,0:13:24.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And contrary to what you may think,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.87,0:13:29.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,affairs are way less about sex,\Nand a lot more about desire:
Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.90,0:13:33.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desire for attention,\Ndesire to feel special,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.39,0:13:35.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,desire to feel important.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:36.24,0:13:39.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the very structure of an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.25,0:13:41.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the fact that you can\Nnever have your lover,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.50,0:13:42.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,keeps you wanting.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:42.94,0:13:45.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That in itself is a desire machine,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.96,0:13:48.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because the incompleteness, the ambiguity,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:48.75,0:13:51.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,keeps you wanting\Nthat which you can't have.
Dialogue: 0,0:13:53.64,0:13:55.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now some of you probably think
Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.18,0:13:58.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that affairs don't happen\Nin open relationships,
Dialogue: 0,0:13:58.81,0:13:59.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they do.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:00.43,0:14:03.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First of all, the conversation\Nabout monogamy is not the same
Dialogue: 0,0:14:03.56,0:14:05.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as the conversation about infidelity.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:06.47,0:14:09.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the fact is that it seems\Nthat even when we have
Dialogue: 0,0:14:09.96,0:14:12.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the freedom to have other sexual partners,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.63,0:14:16.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we still seem to be lured\Nby the power of the forbidden,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.72,0:14:20.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that if we do that which\Nwe are not supposed to do,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:20.21,0:14:23.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,then we feel like we are really\Ndoing what we want to.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:25.33,0:14:28.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I've also told\Nquite a few of my patients
Dialogue: 0,0:14:28.94,0:14:33.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that if they could bring\Ninto their relationships
Dialogue: 0,0:14:33.54,0:14:37.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one tenth of the boldness,\Nthe imagination and the verve
Dialogue: 0,0:14:37.17,0:14:38.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they put into their affairs,
Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.88,0:14:41.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they probably would never need to see me.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:41.15,0:14:43.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.36,0:14:46.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So how do we heal from an affair?
Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.43,0:14:50.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Desire runs deep.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:50.37,0:14:52.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Betrayal runs deep.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:53.27,0:14:54.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But it can be healed.
Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.100,0:14:58.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And some affairs are death knells
Dialogue: 0,0:14:58.94,0:15:01.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for relationships that were\Nalready dying on the vine.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:02.75,0:15:05.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But others will jolt us\Ninto new possibilities.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:05.95,0:15:07.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The fact is, the majority of couples
Dialogue: 0,0:15:07.94,0:15:10.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who have experienced\Naffairs stay together.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:10.77,0:15:13.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But some of them will merely survive,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:13.40,0:15:18.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and others will actually be able\Nto turn a crisis into an opportunity.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:18.82,0:15:22.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They'll be able to turn this\Ninto a generative experience.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:22.48,0:15:26.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm actually thinking even\Nmore so for the deceived partner,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:26.22,0:15:27.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who will often say,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:27.56,0:15:29.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You think I didn't want more?
Dialogue: 0,0:15:29.36,0:15:31.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I'm not the one who did it."
Dialogue: 0,0:15:31.97,0:15:34.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But now that the affair is exposed,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:34.11,0:15:36.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they, too, get to claim more,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:36.24,0:15:38.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they no longer have\Nto uphold the status quo
Dialogue: 0,0:15:38.89,0:15:41.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that may not have been working\Nfor them that well, either.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:44.22,0:15:47.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've noticed that a lot of couples,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:47.11,0:15:49.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the immediate aftermath of an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:49.25,0:15:53.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because of this new disorder\Nthat may actually lead to a new order,
Dialogue: 0,0:15:53.59,0:15:57.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,will have depths of conversations\Nwith honesty and openness
Dialogue: 0,0:15:57.17,0:15:58.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they haven't had in decades.
Dialogue: 0,0:15:59.74,0:16:02.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And, partners who were\Nsexually indifferent
Dialogue: 0,0:16:02.68,0:16:05.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,find themselves suddenly\Nso lustfully voracious,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:05.28,0:16:07.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they don't know where it's coming from.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:08.57,0:16:12.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Something about the fear\Nof loss will rekindle desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:12.52,0:16:15.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and make way for an entirely\Nnew kind of truth.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:18.13,0:16:21.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So when an affair is exposed,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:21.00,0:16:24.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what are some of the specific things\Nthat couples can do?
Dialogue: 0,0:16:26.13,0:16:30.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We know from trauma that healing begins
Dialogue: 0,0:16:30.20,0:16:34.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when the perpetrator\Nacknowledges their wrongdoing.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:35.34,0:16:39.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So for the partner who had the affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:39.05,0:16:40.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for Nick,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:40.58,0:16:42.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one thing is to end the affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:42.39,0:16:47.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but the other is the essential,\Nimportant act of expressing
Dialogue: 0,0:16:47.11,0:16:50.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,guilt and remorse for hurting his wife.
Dialogue: 0,0:16:50.89,0:16:52.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the truth is
Dialogue: 0,0:16:52.26,0:16:55.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I have noticed that quite a lot\Nof people who have affairs
Dialogue: 0,0:16:55.36,0:16:58.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,may feel terribly guilty\Nfor hurting their partner,
Dialogue: 0,0:16:58.46,0:17:01.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but they don't feel guilty\Nfor the experience of the affair itself.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:02.14,0:17:03.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And that distinction is important.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:05.23,0:17:08.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And Nick, he needs to hold\Nvigil for the relationship.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:09.25,0:17:12.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He needs to become, for a while,\Nthe protector of the boundaries.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:12.33,0:17:14.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's his responsibility to bring it up,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:14.95,0:17:16.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because if he thinks about it,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:16.93,0:17:19.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he can relieve Heather from the obsession,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:19.94,0:17:23.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and from having to make sure\Nthat the affair isn't forgotten,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:23.15,0:17:26.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that in itself\Nbegins to restore trust.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:27.57,0:17:29.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But for Heather,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:29.43,0:17:31.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or deceived partners,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:31.17,0:17:36.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is essential to do things\Nthat bring back a sense of self-worth,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:36.51,0:17:40.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to surround oneself with love\Nand with friends and activities
Dialogue: 0,0:17:40.25,0:17:43.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that give back joy\Nand meaning and identity.
Dialogue: 0,0:17:43.94,0:17:45.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But even more important,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:45.87,0:17:50.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to curb the curiosity\Nto mine for the sordid details --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:50.77,0:17:52.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where were you? Where did you do it?
Dialogue: 0,0:17:52.97,0:17:55.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How often? Is she better\Nthan me in bed? --
Dialogue: 0,0:17:55.99,0:17:58.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,questions that only inflict more pain,
Dialogue: 0,0:17:58.48,0:17:59.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and keep you awake at night.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:00.67,0:18:05.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And instead, switch to what I call\Nthe investigative questions,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:05.35,0:18:08.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the ones that mine\Nthe meaning and the motives --
Dialogue: 0,0:18:08.65,0:18:11.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What did this affair mean for you?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:11.13,0:18:13.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What were you able to express\Nor experience there
Dialogue: 0,0:18:13.90,0:18:16.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you could no longer do with me?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:16.15,0:18:19.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What was it like for you\Nwhen you came home?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:19.19,0:18:22.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What is it about us that you value?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:22.58,0:18:24.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you pleased this is over?
Dialogue: 0,0:18:26.40,0:18:30.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Every affair will redefine a relationship,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:30.72,0:18:33.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and every couple will determine
Dialogue: 0,0:18:33.61,0:18:36.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what the legacy of the affair will be.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:37.65,0:18:41.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But affairs are here to stay,\Nand they're not going away.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:42.32,0:18:44.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the dilemmas of love and desire,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:44.96,0:18:50.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they don't yield just simple answers\Nof black and white and good and bad,
Dialogue: 0,0:18:50.93,0:18:52.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and victim and perpetrator.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:54.22,0:18:58.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Betrayal in a relationship\Ncomes in many forms.
Dialogue: 0,0:18:58.30,0:19:00.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are many ways\Nthat we betray our partner:
Dialogue: 0,0:19:00.65,0:19:02.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with contempt, with neglect,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:02.82,0:19:05.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with indifference, with violence.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:05.100,0:19:09.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sexual betrayal is only\None way to hurt a partner.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:09.44,0:19:12.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In other words, the victim of an affair
Dialogue: 0,0:19:12.04,0:19:14.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not always the victim of the marriage.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:17.84,0:19:20.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, you've listened to me,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:20.05,0:19:22.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I know what you're thinking:
Dialogue: 0,0:19:22.42,0:19:26.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She has a French accent,\Nshe must be pro-affair.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:26.70,0:19:29.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:19:31.76,0:19:33.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, you're wrong.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:33.62,0:19:35.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am not French.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:35.67,0:19:38.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:19:38.14,0:19:41.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)
Dialogue: 0,0:19:41.60,0:19:43.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I'm not pro-affair.
Dialogue: 0,0:19:44.67,0:19:49.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But because I think that good\Ncan come out of an affair,
Dialogue: 0,0:19:49.06,0:19:52.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have often been asked\Nthis very strange question:
Dialogue: 0,0:19:52.41,0:19:54.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Would I ever recommend it?
Dialogue: 0,0:19:55.51,0:19:58.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, I would no more\Nrecommend you have an affair
Dialogue: 0,0:19:58.50,0:20:01.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than I would recommend you have cancer,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:01.05,0:20:03.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet we know that people\Nwho have been ill
Dialogue: 0,0:20:03.75,0:20:07.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,often talk about how their illness\Nhas yielded them a new perspective.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:08.57,0:20:11.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The main question that I've been asked\Nsince I arrived at this conference
Dialogue: 0,0:20:11.91,0:20:15.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I said I would talk\Nabout infidelity is, for or against?
Dialogue: 0,0:20:16.49,0:20:17.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I said, "Yes."
Dialogue: 0,0:20:18.16,0:20:20.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,0:20:21.87,0:20:25.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I look at affairs from a dual perspective:
Dialogue: 0,0:20:25.50,0:20:29.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,hurt and betrayal on one side,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:29.15,0:20:32.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,growth and self-discovery on the other --
Dialogue: 0,0:20:32.51,0:20:35.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what it did to you,\Nand what it meant for me.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:36.62,0:20:41.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so when a couple comes to me\Nin the aftermath of an affair
Dialogue: 0,0:20:41.29,0:20:43.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that has been revealed,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:43.09,0:20:45.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will often tell them this:
Dialogue: 0,0:20:45.42,0:20:47.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Today in the West,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:47.82,0:20:52.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,most of us are going to have\Ntwo or three relationships
Dialogue: 0,0:20:52.70,0:20:54.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or marriages,
Dialogue: 0,0:20:54.40,0:20:57.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and some of us are going\Nto do it with the same person.
Dialogue: 0,0:20:58.67,0:21:00.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your first marriage is over.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:01.63,0:21:04.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Would you like to create\Na second one together?
Dialogue: 0,0:21:05.16,0:21:06.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you.
Dialogue: 0,0:21:06.62,0:21:13.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)