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It was the middle of summer
and well past closing time

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in the downtown Berkeley bar
where my friend Polly and I

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worked together as bartenders.

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Usually at the end of our shift
we had a drink -- but not that night.

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"I'm pregnant.

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Not sure what I'm going
to do yet," I told Polly.

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Without hesitation, she replied,
"I've had an abortion."

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Before Polly, no one had ever told me
that she'd had an abortion.

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I'd graduated from college
just a few months earlier

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and I was in a new relationship
when I found out that I was pregnant.

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When I thought about my choices,
I honestly did not know how to decide,

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what criteria I should use.

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How would I know what
the right decision was?

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I worried that I would regret 
an abortion later.

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Coming of age on the beaches
of Southern California,

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I grew up in the middle of 
our nation's abortion wars.

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I was born in a trailer on the third
anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.

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Our community was surfing Christians.

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We cared about God, the less fortunate,
and the ocean.

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Everyone was pro-life.

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As a kid, the idea of abortion made me so
sad that I knew if I ever got pregnant

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I could never have one.

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And then I did.

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It was a step towards the unknown.

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But Polly had given me
a very special gift:

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the knowledge that I wasn't alone

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and the realization that abortion
was something that we can talk about.

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Abortion is common.

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According to the Guttmacher Institute,
one in three women in America

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will have an abortion in their lifetime.

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But for the last few decades, the dialogue
around abortion in the United States

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has left little room for anything beyond 
pro-life and pro-choice.

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It's political and polarizing.

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But as much as abortion is hotly debated,
it's still rare for us,

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whether as fellow women
or even just as fellow people,

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to talk with one another
about the abortions that we have.

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There is a gap.

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Between what happens in politics
and what happens in real life,

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and in that gap, a battlefield mentality.

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An "are you with us 
or against us?" stance takes root.

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This isn't just about abortion.

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There are so many important issues 
that we can't talk about.

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And so finding ways to shift the conflict
to a place of conversation

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is the work of my life.

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There are two main ways to get started.

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One way is to listen closely.


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And the other way is to share stories.

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So, 15 years ago, I cofounded
an organization called Exhale

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to start listening to people 
who have had abortions.

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The first thing we did was create 
a talk-line, where women and men

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could call to get emotional support.

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Free of judgment and politics,
believe it or not, nothing like our sevice

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had ever existed.

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We needed a new framework that could 
hold all the experiences that we were

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hearing on our talk-line.

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The feminist who regrets her abortion.

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The Catholic who is grateful for hers.

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The personal experiences that weren't 
fitting neatly into one box or the other.

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We didn't think it was right 
to ask women to pick a side.

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We wanted to show them that
the whole world was on their side,

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as they were going through this deeply
personal experience.

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So we invented "pro-voice."

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Beyond abortion, pro-voice works on hard
issues that we've struggled with globally

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for years,

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issues like immigration, religious
tolerance, violence against women.

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It also works on deeply personal topics 
that might only matter to you

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and your immediate family and friends.

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They have a terminal illness, 
their mother just died,

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they have a child with special needs
and they can't talk about it.

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Listening and storytelling are
the hallmarks of pro-voice practice.

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Listening and storytelling.

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That sounds pretty nice.

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Sounds maybe, easy?
We could all do that.

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It's not easy.
It's very hard.

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Pro-voice is hard because we are talking
about things everyone's fighting about

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or the things that no one 
wants to talk about.

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I wish I could tell you that when you 
decide to be pro-voice, that you'll find

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beautiful moments of breakthrough 
and gardens full of flowers,

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where listening and storytelling
creates wonderful "a-ha" moments.

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I wish I could tell you that there would
be a feminist welcoming party for you,

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or that there's a long-lost sisterhood
of people who are just ready

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to have your back when you get slammed.

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But it can be vulnerable and exhausting 
to tell our own stories

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when it feels like nobody cares.

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And if we truly listen to one another,

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we will hear things that demand
that we shift our own perceptions.

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There is no perfect time
and there is no perfect place

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to start a difficult conversation.

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There's never a time when everyone will be
on the same page, share the same lens,

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or know the same history.

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So, let's talk about listening
and how to be a good listener.

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There's lots of ways to be a good listener
and I'm going to give you just a couple.

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One is to ask open-ended questions.

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You can ask yourself or someone 
that you know,

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"How are you feeling?"

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"What was that like?"

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"What do you hope for, now?"

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Another way to be a good listener 
is to use reflective language.

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If someone is talking about
their own personal experience,

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use the words that they use.

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If someone is talking about an abortion
and they say the word "baby,"

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you can say "baby."

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If they say "fetus,"
you can say "fetus."

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If someone describes themselves
as gender queer to you,

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you can say "gender queer."

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If someone kind of looks like a he,
but they say they're a she -- it's cool.

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Call that person a she.

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When we reflect the language of the person
who is sharing their own story,

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we are conveying that we are interested
in understanding who they are

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and what they're going through.

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The same way that we hope people are 
interested in knowing us.

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So, I'll never forget being in one 
of the Exhale counselor meetings,

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listening to a volunteer talk about how
she was getting a lot of calls

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from Christian women who 
were talking about God.

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Now, some of our volunteers are religious,
but this particular one was not.

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At first, it felt a little weird for her 
to talk to callers about God.

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So, she decided to get comfortable.

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And she stood in front of her mirror 
at home, and she said the word "God."

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"God."

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"God."

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"God."

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"God."

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"God."

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"God."

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Over and over and over again
until the word no longer felt strange

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coming out her mouth.

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Saying the word God did not turn this 
volunteer into a Christian,

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but it did make her a much 
better listener of Christian women.

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So, another way to be pro-voice
is to share stories,

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and one risk that you take on, when you
share your story with someone else,

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is that given the same
set of circumstances as you

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they might actually
make a different decision.

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For example, if you're telling a story 
about your abortion,

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realize that she might have had the baby.

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She might have placed for adoption.

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She might have told her parents 
and her partner -- or not.

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She might have felt relief and confidence,
even though you felt sad and lost.

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This is okay.

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Empathy gets created the moment we
imagine ourselves in someone else's shoes.

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It doesn't mean we all have 
to end up in the same place.

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It's not agreement, it's not sameness
that pro-voice is after.

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It creates a culture and a society that 
values what make us special and unique.

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It values what makes us human,
our flaws and our imperfections.

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And this way of thinking allows us to see
our differences with respect,

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instead of fear.

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And it generates the empathy that we need

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to overcome all the ways
that we try to hurt one another.

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Stigma, shame, prejudice, 
discrimination, oppression.

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Pro-voice is contagious,
and the more it's practiced

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the more it spreads.

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So, last year I was pregnant again.

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This time I was looking forward 
to the birth of my son.

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And while pregnant, I had never been asked
how I was feeling so much in all my life.

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(Laughter)

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And however I replied, whether I was
feeling wonderful and excited

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or scared and totally freaked out,

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there was always someone there
giving me a "been there" response.

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It was awesome.

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It was a welcome, yet dramatic
departure from what I experience

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when I talk about
my mixed feelings of my abortion.

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Pro-voice is about the real stories
of real people

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making an impact on the way abortion

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and so many other politicized
and stigmatized issues

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are understood and discussed.

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From sexuality and mental health
to poverty and incarceration.

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Far beyond definition
as single right or wrong decisions,

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our experiences can exist on a spectrum.

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Pro-voice focuses that conversation
on human experience

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and it makes support and respect
possible for all.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)