WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.000 Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:07.000 praise, admiration and thank you, 00:00:07.000 --> 00:00:09.000 and having it be specific and genuine. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:11.000 And the way I got interested in this was, 00:00:11.000 --> 00:00:14.000 I noticed in myself, when I was growing up, 00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:15.000 and until about a few years ago, 00:00:15.000 --> 00:00:17.000 that I would want to say thank you to someone, 00:00:17.000 --> 00:00:18.000 I would want to praise them, 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:20.000 I would want to take in their praise of me 00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:22.000 and I'd just stop it. 00:00:22.000 --> 00:00:25.000 And I asked myself, why? 00:00:25.000 --> 00:00:27.000 I felt shy, I felt embarrassed. 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:29.000 And then my question became, 00:00:29.000 --> 00:00:31.000 am I the only one who does this? 00:00:31.000 --> 00:00:32.000 So, I decided to investigate. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:35.000 I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility, 00:00:35.000 --> 00:00:38.000 so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction. 00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:42.000 And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as, 00:00:42.000 --> 00:00:47.000 their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them. 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:49.000 But then, they hear from all the family and friends 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:52.000 that the father told everybody else that he was proud of him, 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:53.000 but he never told the son. 00:00:53.000 --> 00:00:56.000 It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it. NOTE Paragraph 00:00:56.000 --> 00:01:00.000 So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need? 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:02.000 I know a gentleman, married for 25 years, 00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:04.000 who's longing to hear his wife say, 00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:07.000 "Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids," 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:08.000 but won't ask. 00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:10.000 I know a woman who's good at this. 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:12.000 She, once a week, meets with her husband and says, 00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:16.000 "I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids." 00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:19.000 And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great." 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:21.000 And praise really does have to be genuine, 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:23.000 but she takes responsibility for that. 00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:26.000 And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten, 00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:29.000 she thanks her children for doing their chores. 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:31.000 And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?" NOTE Paragraph 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:33.000 So, the question is, why was I blocking it? 00:01:33.000 --> 00:01:34.000 Why were other people blocking it? 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:37.000 Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare, 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:40.000 I need size six shoes," but I won't say, 00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:42.000 "Would you praise me this way?" 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:46.000 And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me. 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:48.000 I'm telling you where I'm insecure. 00:01:48.000 --> 00:01:50.000 I'm telling you where I need your help. 00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:53.000 And I'm treating you, my inner circle, 00:01:53.000 --> 00:01:55.000 like you're the enemy. 00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:57.000 Because what can you do with that data? 00:01:57.000 --> 00:01:59.000 You could neglect me. 00:01:59.000 --> 00:02:00.000 You could abuse it. 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.000 Or you could actually meet my need. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:04.000 And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this -- 00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:07.000 same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels. 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:09.000 The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels, 00:02:09.000 --> 00:02:10.000 it's going to make the bike so much better." 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:12.000 I get the same bike back, 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:15.000 and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels 00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:18.000 I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new. 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:20.000 So, I'm going to challenge all of you. 00:02:20.000 --> 00:02:22.000 I want you to true your wheels: 00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:25.000 be honest about the praise that you need to hear. 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:27.000 What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife -- 00:02:27.000 --> 00:02:29.000 go ask her, what does she need? 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:31.000 Go home to your husband -- what does he need? 00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:34.000 Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you. NOTE Paragraph 00:02:34.000 --> 00:02:35.000 And it's simple. 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:37.000 And why should we care about this? 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:38.000 We talk about world peace. 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:41.000 How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages? 00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:45.000 I think it starts household by household, under the same roof. 00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:47.000 So, let's make it right in our own backyard. 00:02:47.000 --> 00:02:49.000 And I want to thank all of you in the audience 00:02:49.000 --> 00:02:51.000 for being great husbands, great mothers, 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:53.000 friends, daughters, sons. 00:02:53.000 --> 00:02:54.000 And maybe somebody's never said that to you, 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:56.000 but you've done a really, really good job. 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:59.000 And thank you for being here, just showing up 00:02:59.000 --> 00:03:02.000 and changing the world with your ideas. NOTE Paragraph 00:03:02.000 --> 00:03:04.000 Thank you. 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:11.000 (Applause)