WEBVTT 00:00:02.560 --> 00:00:06.909 The President, often criticized for his caution, is now doing things his own way. 00:00:06.909 --> 00:00:10.060 He's cut a climate deal with China, he's issued an immigration order 00:00:10.060 --> 00:00:11.570 We'll see how far he can take it. 00:00:11.570 --> 00:00:37.596 Music: ♪ I don't care. I love it. ♪ 00:00:44.616 --> 00:00:47.252 Good evening everybody. 00:00:47.252 --> 00:00:50.450 Welcome to the White House Correspondents' Dinner, 00:00:50.450 --> 00:00:55.770 the night when Washington celebrates itself. 00:00:55.770 --> 00:00:59.980 Somebody's gotta do it. 00:00:59.980 --> 00:01:01.780 And welcome to the fourth quarter 00:01:01.780 --> 00:01:06.280 of my presidency. It's true. I – 00:01:09.440 --> 00:01:13.280 That was Michelle cheering. 00:01:15.049 --> 00:01:19.870 Fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. 00:01:19.870 --> 00:01:24.630 Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they're like magic. 00:01:26.450 --> 00:01:28.746 You should try one. 00:01:28.746 --> 00:01:30.212 Oh, you have. 00:01:34.922 --> 00:01:41.060 I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. 00:01:41.060 --> 00:01:43.550 Now after the midterm elections, my advisers asked me, 00:01:43.550 --> 00:01:45.830 "Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?" 00:01:47.070 --> 00:01:52.830 And I said, "Well I have something that rhymes with 'bucket list.' " 00:02:05.610 --> 00:02:08.583 Take executive action on immigration? 00:02:08.583 --> 00:02:09.816 Bucket. 00:02:13.716 --> 00:02:16.677 New climate regulations? 00:02:17.037 --> 00:02:18.051 Bucket. 00:02:18.051 --> 00:02:20.205 It's the right thing to do. 00:02:22.045 --> 00:02:23.819 And my new attitude is paying off. 00:02:25.299 --> 00:02:27.630 Look at my Cuba policy. 00:02:27.630 --> 00:02:30.319 The Castro brothers are here tonight. 00:02:31.819 --> 00:02:35.160 Welcome to America, amigos. 00:02:35.160 --> 00:02:37.630 Que pasa? 00:02:38.540 --> 00:02:41.790 What? It's the Castros from Texas? 00:02:43.470 --> 00:02:44.650 Oh. 00:02:45.180 --> 00:02:47.820 Hi Joaquin. Hi Julian. 00:02:50.450 --> 00:02:51.979 Anyway. 00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:55.910 Being president is never easy. 00:02:55.910 --> 00:02:58.669 I still have to fix a broken immigration system, 00:02:58.669 --> 00:03:02.950 issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran, 00:03:02.950 --> 00:03:07.723 all while finding time to pray five times a day – 00:03:09.493 --> 00:03:14.276 which is strenuous. 00:03:14.806 --> 00:03:19.940 And it is no wonder the people keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me. 00:03:21.470 --> 00:03:22.940 I look so old, 00:03:22.940 --> 00:03:29.940 John Boehner's already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral. 00:03:35.599 --> 00:03:39.610 Meanwhile, Michelle hasn't aged a day. 00:03:39.610 --> 00:03:46.320 I asked which is strenuous. 00:03:46.320 --> 00:03:47.776 I asked her what her secret is. 00:03:47.776 --> 00:03:51.482 She just said, "Fresh fruits and vegetables." 00:03:52.762 --> 00:03:55.910 It's aggravating. 00:04:01.630 --> 00:04:05.990 Fact is though, at this point, my legacy is finally beginning to take shape. 00:04:06.620 --> 00:04:08.250 The economy is getting better. 00:04:08.880 --> 00:04:12.140 Nine in 10 Americans now have health coverage. 00:04:17.060 --> 00:04:20.950 Today, thanks to Obamacare, you no longer have to worry 00:04:20.950 --> 00:04:21.760 about losing your insurance if you lose your job. 00:04:21.760 --> 00:04:24.930 Your welcome, Senate Democrats. 00:04:36.820 --> 00:04:37.520 Now, look, 00:04:37.520 --> 00:04:41.350 it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy. 00:04:41.350 --> 00:04:46.650 Six years into my presidency, some people still say 00:04:47.120 --> 00:04:49.230 I'm arrogant and aloof – condescending. 00:04:49.560 --> 00:04:52.220 Some people are so dumb. 00:04:54.040 --> 00:04:57.790 No wonder I don't meet with them. 00:04:58.260 --> 00:05:02.780 And that's not all people say about me. A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says 00:05:02.780 --> 00:05:06.020 he thinks I'm the worst president of his lifetime. 00:05:06.020 --> 00:05:09.170 Which is interesting, because I think 00:05:09.170 --> 00:05:16.170 Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime. 00:05:21.150 --> 00:05:23.933 That's quite a coincidence. 00:05:23.933 --> 00:05:26.716 I mean everybody's got something to say these days. 00:05:26.716 --> 00:05:29.500 Mike Huckabee recently said people shouldn't join our military 00:05:29.500 --> 00:05:33.560 until a true conservative is elected president. 00:05:33.560 --> 00:05:38.250 Think about that. It was so outrageous, 00:05:38.250 --> 00:05:41.530 47 ayatollahs wrote us a letter 00:05:41.530 --> 00:05:48.530 trying to explain to Huckabee how our system works. 00:05:52.699 --> 00:05:55.520 It gets worse. 00:05:55.520 --> 00:06:00.480 Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:03.710 the I would bring about the biblical end of days. 00:06:03.710 --> 00:06:10.710 Now that's a legacy. 00:06:12.400 --> 00:06:15.550 That's big. 00:06:15.550 --> 00:06:22.550 I mean, Lincoln, Washington, they didn't do that. 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:30.149 But, you know, I just had to put this stuff aside, 00:06:30.149 --> 00:06:34.529 I've got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans, 00:06:34.529 --> 00:06:38.229 this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have 00:06:38.229 --> 00:06:43.559 one friend – just a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year, 00:06:43.559 --> 00:06:50.559 and she's now living out of a van in Iowa. 00:07:00.930 --> 00:07:05.580 Meanwhile, back here at our nation's capital, we're always dealing with new challenges. 00:07:05.580 --> 00:07:09.450 I'm happy to report that the Secret Service, thanks to some excellent 00:07:09.450 --> 00:07:11.370 reporting by White House correspondents, 00:07:11.370 --> 00:07:15.610 they're really focusing on some of the issues that have come up, 00:07:15.610 --> 00:07:22.610 and they finally figured out a foolproof way to keep people off my lawn. 00:07:32.840 --> 00:07:35.440 It works. 00:07:35.440 --> 00:07:40.370 And it's not just fence jumpers. Some you know that a few months ago, a drone crash-landed 00:07:40.370 --> 00:07:44.740 out back. That was pretty serious. But don't worry. We've installed a new 00:07:44.740 --> 00:07:51.740 state-of-the-art security system. 00:07:53.580 --> 00:07:56.379 You know what? Let me set the record straight. 00:07:56.379 --> 00:08:00.179 You know, I tease Joe sometimes. But he has been at my side 00:08:00.179 --> 00:08:07.179 for seven years. I love that man. He's not just a great vice president, 00:08:07.409 --> 00:08:13.089 he is a great friend. We've gotten so close, in some places in Indiana 00:08:13.089 --> 00:08:20.089 they won't serve us pizza anymore. 00:08:25.820 --> 00:08:28.330 I want to thank our host for the evening, 00:08:28.330 --> 00:08:35.330 a Chicago girl, the incredibly talented Cecily Strong. 00:08:39.870 --> 00:08:43.250 On Saturday Night Live, Cecily impersonates CNN anchor 00:08:43.250 --> 00:08:47.710 Brook Baldwin, which is surprising, because usually the only people impersonating 00:08:47.710 --> 00:08:49.100 journalits on CNN 00:08:49.100 --> 00:08:56.100 are journalists on CNN. 00:09:00.510 --> 00:09:03.650 ABC is here with some of the the stars from their big new comedy 00:09:03.650 --> 00:09:09.220 Blackish. Hey – 00:09:09.220 --> 00:09:12.520 it's a great show. But I have to give ABC fair warning. 00:09:12.520 --> 00:09:15.700 Being Blackish only makes you popular for so long. 00:09:15.700 --> 00:09:20.970 Trust me. 00:09:20.970 --> 00:09:27.970 There's a shelf life to that thing. 00:09:28.769 --> 00:09:32.940 As always, the reporters here had at a lot cover over the last year 00:09:32.940 --> 00:09:36.529 here on the East Coast. One big story was the brutal winter. 00:09:36.529 --> 00:09:39.639 The polar vortex caused so many record lows, they 00:09:39.639 --> 00:09:46.639 renamed it MSNBC. 00:09:51.200 --> 00:09:55.660 But, of course, of course, let's face it, there is one issue on every reporter's mind, 00:09:55.660 --> 00:09:56.910 and that's 2016. 00:09:56.910 --> 00:10:02.580 Already, we've seen some missteps. Turns out Jeb Bush's identified himself as 00:10:02.580 --> 00:10:03.510 Hispanic back in 2009. 00:10:03.510 --> 00:10:06.640 Which, you know – 00:10:06.640 --> 00:10:11.100 look – I understand. It's an innocent mistake. 00:10:11.800 --> 00:10:18.800 Reminds me of when I identified myself as American, back in 1961. 00:10:24.339 --> 00:10:27.779 Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo. 00:10:35.009 --> 00:10:39.090 Now that's really an apt comparison. 00:10:39.090 --> 00:10:42.520 Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the Sun. 00:10:42.520 --> 00:10:49.520 Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz. 00:10:49.530 --> 00:10:52.160 I, I – and this is an aside. I want to point out that when a guy 00:10:52.160 --> 00:10:56.150 who has his face on a hope poster calls you self-centered, 00:10:56.150 --> 00:11:00.860 you know you've got a problem. 00:11:00.860 --> 00:11:07.860 The narcissism index is creeping up a little too high. 00:11:09.110 --> 00:11:10.809 Meanwhile Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend 00:11:10.809 --> 00:11:13.809 the same sex wedding of a friend or a loved one – 00:11:13.809 --> 00:11:16.910 to which gays and lesbians across the country responded, 00:11:16.910 --> 00:11:23.910 "That's not gonna be a problem." Don't sweat that one." 00:11:29.130 --> 00:11:33.339 And Donald Trump is here – 00:11:33.339 --> 00:11:40.339 still. 00:11:41.300 --> 00:11:45.230 Anyway. 00:11:45.230 --> 00:11:50.700 It's amazing how time flies. Soon the first presidential contest will take place. 00:11:51.420 --> 00:11:54.720 And, I, for one, cannot wait to see who the Koch brothers pick. 00:11:54.720 --> 00:11:59.680 It's exciting. 00:12:02.870 --> 00:12:05.878 Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker. 00:12:07.030 --> 00:12:14.030 Who will finally get that red rose? 00:12:14.370 --> 00:12:17.200 The winner gets a billion dollar war chest. 00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:22.390 The runner-up gets to be The Bachelor on the next season of The Bachelor. 00:12:22.390 --> 00:12:25.980 But seriously. 00:12:25.980 --> 00:12:29.860 A billion dollars! From just two guys! 00:12:29.860 --> 00:12:33.190 Is it just me, or does that feel a little 00:12:33.190 --> 00:12:37.920 excessive? That's almost insulting to the candidates. 00:12:37.920 --> 00:12:42.810 The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get 00:12:42.810 --> 00:12:47.010 folks to like one of these people. 00:12:47.010 --> 00:12:52.000 It's gotta hurt their feelings a little bit. And look, I know I raised a lot of money too. But 00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:59.000 in all fairness, my middle name is Hussein? What's their excuse? 00:13:09.400 --> 00:13:14.050 The trail hasn't been easy for my fellow democrats either. As we all know, Hillary's 00:13:14.050 --> 00:13:15.630 private emails got her in trouble. 00:13:15.630 --> 00:13:22.630 Frankly, I thought is was going to be her private Instagram account that was gonna cause her bigger problems. 00:13:32.050 --> 00:13:35.360 Hillary kicked things off by going completely unrecognized 00:13:35.360 --> 00:13:39.000 at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone, 00:13:39.000 --> 00:13:42.220 Martin O'Malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a 00:13:42.220 --> 00:13:49.220 Martin O'Malley campaign event. 00:13:54.710 --> 00:13:56.090 And Bernie Sanders might run. 00:13:56.090 --> 00:13:59.800 I like Bernie. Bernie's an interesting guy. 00:13:59.800 --> 00:14:05.580 Apparently, some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. 00:14:05.580 --> 00:14:12.050 We could get a third Obama term after all. 00:14:12.050 --> 00:14:17.890 It could happen. 00:14:17.890 --> 00:14:20.100 Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note. 00:14:20.100 --> 00:14:23.380 You know, I often joke about tensions between 00:14:23.380 --> 00:14:26.570 me and the press. But honestly, what 00:14:26.570 --> 00:14:29.820 they say doesn't bother me. I understand we've got an adversarial system. 00:14:29.820 --> 00:14:34.480 I'm a mellow sort of guy. And that's why I invited 00:14:34.480 --> 00:14:41.480 Luther, my anger translator to join me here tonight. 00:14:55.709 --> 00:14:58.149 LUTHER: Hold on to your lily-white butts. 00:15:01.460 --> 00:15:04.900 In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents' 00:15:04.900 --> 00:15:05.300 Dinner 00:15:05.300 --> 00:15:12.300 are important. LUTHER: I mean really! What is this dinner? 00:15:12.709 --> 00:15:16.999 And why am I required to come to it? 00:15:16.999 --> 00:15:21.350 Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this? Because in spite of our differences, 00:15:21.350 --> 00:15:25.269 we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day. 00:15:25.269 --> 00:15:32.269 Now we can count on Fox News to terrify old white people with some nonsense, 00:15:34.940 --> 00:15:36.010 Sharia law is coming to Cleveland! Run for the damned hills! 00:15:36.010 --> 00:15:40.860 Y'all's ridiculous. We won't always see eye to eye. 00:15:40.860 --> 00:15:44.860 Oh, and CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall 00:15:44.860 --> 00:15:48.750 ebola coverage. For two whole weeks, we were one step away from 00:15:48.750 --> 00:15:52.079 the Walking Dead! And then y'all got 00:15:52.079 --> 00:15:56.399 up and just moved on to the next day. That was awesome! 00:15:56.399 --> 00:16:03.399 Oh, and by the way, just, have you noticed? You don't have ebola. 00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:07.779 But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do. 00:16:07.779 --> 00:16:11.069 LUTHER: Y'all remember when they had that big ole hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico? And then 00:16:11.069 --> 00:16:15.170 I plugged that? Remember that? Which 00:16:15.170 --> 00:16:18.910 Obama's Katrina was that one? Was it 19, 00:16:18.910 --> 00:16:24.290 or what, what, was it 20? Because, I, I can't remember. OBAMA: Protecting our democracy 00:16:24.290 --> 00:16:28.720 is more important than ever. For example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who 00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:29.860 gave Ted Cruz 00:16:29.860 --> 00:16:32.910 6 million dollars was just exercising free speech. 00:16:32.910 --> 00:16:37.449 LUTHER: Yeah, it's the kind of speech like this: "I just wasted 6 million dollars." 00:16:37.449 --> 00:16:41.949 And it's not just Republicans. 00:16:41.949 --> 00:16:44.949 Hillary will have to raise huge sums of some money, too. 00:16:44.949 --> 00:16:49.459 LUTHER: Oh yeah!. She goin' get that 00:16:49.459 --> 00:16:52.779 money. She goin' get all 00:16:52.779 --> 00:16:56.650 the money! 00:16:56.650 --> 00:17:03.650 Khaleesi is coming to Westeros! 00:17:04.199 --> 00:17:08.780 Watch out. Whoa! 00:17:08.780 --> 00:17:12.380 The non-stop focus on billionaire donors creates real problems 00:17:12.380 --> 00:17:16.359 for our democracy. LUTHER: And that's why we're running for a third term. No, we're not. 00:17:16.359 --> 00:17:22.049 LUTHER: We're not? Who the Hell said that? 00:17:22.049 --> 00:17:24.740 But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges – 00:17:24.740 --> 00:17:31.740 like climate change. LUTHER: Hey, listen, y'all. If you haven't noticed, California is bone dry! It looked like a 00:17:32.289 --> 00:17:39.289 trailer for the new Mad Max movie up in there. Y'all think that Bradley Cooper can't hear because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd? 00:17:43.250 --> 00:17:45.750 He needed a glass of water! Come on! 00:17:45.750 --> 00:17:47.840 The 00:17:47.840 --> 00:17:51.380 science is clear. 00:17:51.380 --> 00:17:55.600 The science of clear. Nine of the ten hottest years 00:17:55.600 --> 00:18:01.170 ever came in last decade. LUTHER: Now I'm not a scientist, but I do know how to count to ten. 00:18:01.170 --> 00:18:04.570 Rising seas, more violent storms – LUTHER: You got mosquitoes. 00:18:04.570 --> 00:18:07.680 sweaty people on the train stinking it up, 00:18:07.680 --> 00:18:12.460 It's just nasty. I mean, 00:18:12.460 --> 00:18:17.480 look at what's happening right now. Every serious scientist says we need to act. 00:18:17.480 --> 00:18:21.210 LUTHER: Yeah. The Pentagon says it's a national security risk. 00:18:21.210 --> 00:18:27.120 Miami floods on a sunny day, and instead of doing anything about it, we've got elected officials throwing 00:18:27.120 --> 00:18:28.520 snowballs in the Senate. 00:18:28.520 --> 00:18:31.780 LUTHER: Okay, okay, I think I got it, bro. OBAMA: It is crazy! 00:18:31.780 --> 00:18:36.480 What about our kids? What kind of stupid, short-sighted 00:18:36.480 --> 00:18:43.480 irresponsible – the 00:18:51.799 --> 00:18:58.630 What? With all due respect, sir? You don't need an anger translator. 00:18:58.630 --> 00:19:02.630 You need counseling. So, I'm I'm I'm out of here, man, I'm 00:19:02.630 --> 00:19:09.630 not trying to get in all this. OBAMA: Go. 00:19:23.320 --> 00:19:30.320 Luther, my anger translator, ladies and gentlemen. Now that I got that off my chest. 00:19:34.420 --> 00:19:39.990 You know, investigative journalism, 00:19:39.990 --> 00:19:43.560 explanatory journalism, 00:19:43.560 --> 00:19:47.790 journalism that exposes corruption, injustice, 00:19:47.790 --> 00:19:51.900 that gives voice to the different and the marginalized, 00:19:51.900 --> 00:19:56.910 the voiceless, that's power. 00:19:56.910 --> 00:20:02.140 It's a privilege. It's as important to America's 00:20:02.140 --> 00:20:06.000 trajectory, to our values, our ideals, than anything 00:20:06.000 --> 00:20:11.340 we could do in elected office. We remember journalists we lost 00:20:11.340 --> 00:20:15.010 over the past year, journalists like Stephen Sundlof, 00:20:15.010 --> 00:20:19.330 James Foley, murdered for nothing more than trying to shine a light 00:20:19.330 --> 00:20:26.330 into some of the world's darkest corners. 00:20:30.840 --> 00:20:34.330 We remember the journalists unjustly imprisoned around the world, including 00:20:34.330 --> 00:20:37.640 our own Jason ??. 00:20:37.640 --> 00:20:42.860 For nine months, 00:20:42.860 --> 00:20:46.640 Jason has been imprisoned in Tehran for nothing more than writing about the 00:20:46.640 --> 00:20:47.240 hopes 00:20:47.240 --> 00:20:50.470 and the fears of the Iranian people, carrying their stories 00:20:50.470 --> 00:20:54.270 to the readers of the Washington Post, in an effort to bridge our common humanity. 00:20:54.270 --> 00:20:57.530 As was already mentioned, Jason's brother Ali is here tonight 00:20:57.530 --> 00:21:01.890 and I have told him personally we will not rest until we bring him home 00:21:01.890 --> 00:21:08.890 to his family safe and sound. 00:21:11.159 --> 00:21:12.159 These journalists 00:21:12.159 --> 00:21:16.309 and so many others view their work as more than just a profession, but as a 00:21:16.309 --> 00:21:17.169 public good, 00:21:17.169 --> 00:21:21.730 an indispensable pillar of our society. So I want to give a toast 00:21:21.730 --> 00:21:28.730 to them. 00:21:32.080 --> 00:21:33.440 I raise a glass 00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:38.620 to them and all of you in the words of the American foreign correspondent Dorothy 00:21:38.620 --> 00:21:39.160 Thomspon. 00:21:39.160 --> 00:21:44.030 It is not the fact of liberty, but the way in which liberty 00:21:44.030 --> 00:21:47.360 is exercised that ultimately determines whether 00:21:47.360 --> 00:21:52.900 liberty itself survives. Thank you for your devotion. 00:21:52.900 --> 00:21:56.550 For exercising our liberty, and for telling our American story. 00:21:56.550 --> 00:21:59.230 God bless you. God bless the United States of America.