1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:06,909 The President, often criticized for his caution, is now doing things his own way. 2 00:00:06,909 --> 00:00:10,060 He's cut a climate deal with China, he's issued an immigration order 3 00:00:10,060 --> 00:00:11,570 We'll see how far he can take it. 4 00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:37,596 Music: ♪ I don't care. I love it. ♪ 5 00:00:44,616 --> 00:00:47,252 Good evening everybody. 6 00:00:47,252 --> 00:00:50,450 Welcome to the White House Correspondents' Dinner, 7 00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:55,770 the night when Washington celebrates itself. 8 00:00:55,770 --> 00:00:59,980 Somebody's gotta do it. 9 00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:01,780 And welcome to the fourth quarter 10 00:01:01,780 --> 00:01:06,280 of my presidency. It's true. I – 11 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:13,280 That was Michelle cheering. 12 00:01:15,049 --> 00:01:19,870 Fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. 13 00:01:19,870 --> 00:01:24,630 Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they're like magic. 14 00:01:26,450 --> 00:01:28,746 You should try one. 15 00:01:28,746 --> 00:01:30,212 Oh, you have. 16 00:01:34,922 --> 00:01:41,060 I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. 17 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,550 Now after the midterm elections, my advisers asked me, 18 00:01:43,550 --> 00:01:45,830 "Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?" 19 00:01:47,070 --> 00:01:52,830 And I said, "Well I have something that rhymes with 'bucket list.' " 20 00:02:05,610 --> 00:02:08,583 Take executive action on immigration? 21 00:02:08,583 --> 00:02:09,816 Bucket. 22 00:02:13,716 --> 00:02:16,677 New climate regulations? 23 00:02:17,037 --> 00:02:18,051 Bucket. 24 00:02:18,051 --> 00:02:20,205 It's the right thing to do. 25 00:02:22,045 --> 00:02:23,819 And my new attitude is paying off. 26 00:02:25,299 --> 00:02:27,630 Look at my Cuba policy. 27 00:02:27,630 --> 00:02:30,319 The Castro brothers are here tonight. 28 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:35,160 Welcome to America, amigos. 29 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,630 Que pasa? 30 00:02:38,540 --> 00:02:41,790 What? It's the Castros from Texas? 31 00:02:43,470 --> 00:02:44,650 Oh. 32 00:02:45,180 --> 00:02:47,820 Hi Joaquin. Hi Julian. 33 00:02:50,450 --> 00:02:51,979 Anyway. 34 00:02:52,879 --> 00:02:55,910 Being president is never easy. 35 00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:58,669 I still have to fix a broken immigration system, 36 00:02:58,669 --> 00:03:02,950 issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran, 37 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:07,723 all while finding time to pray five times a day – 38 00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:14,276 which is strenuous. 39 00:03:14,806 --> 00:03:19,940 And it is no wonder the people keep pointing out how the presidency has aged me. 40 00:03:21,470 --> 00:03:22,940 I look so old, 41 00:03:22,940 --> 00:03:29,940 John Boehner's already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral. 42 00:03:35,599 --> 00:03:39,610 Meanwhile, Michelle hasn't aged a day. 43 00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:46,320 I asked which is strenuous. 44 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,776 I asked her what her secret is. 45 00:03:47,776 --> 00:03:51,482 She just said, "Fresh fruits and vegetables." 46 00:03:52,762 --> 00:03:55,910 It's aggravating. 47 00:04:01,630 --> 00:04:05,990 Fact is though, at this point, my legacy is finally beginning to take shape. 48 00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:08,250 The economy is getting better. 49 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,140 Nine in 10 Americans now have health coverage. 50 00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:20,950 Today, thanks to Obamacare, you no longer have to worry 51 00:04:20,950 --> 00:04:21,760 about losing your insurance if you lose your job. 52 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,930 Your welcome, Senate Democrats. 53 00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:37,520 Now, look, 54 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:41,350 it is true I have not managed to make everybody happy. 55 00:04:41,350 --> 00:04:46,650 Six years into my presidency, some people still say 56 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,230 I'm arrogant and aloof – condescending. 57 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:52,220 Some people are so dumb. 58 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,790 No wonder I don't meet with them. 59 00:04:58,260 --> 00:05:02,780 And that's not all people say about me. A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says 60 00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:06,020 he thinks I'm the worst president of his lifetime. 61 00:05:06,020 --> 00:05:09,170 Which is interesting, because I think 62 00:05:09,170 --> 00:05:16,170 Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime. 63 00:05:21,150 --> 00:05:23,933 That's quite a coincidence. 64 00:05:23,933 --> 00:05:26,716 I mean everybody's got something to say these days. 65 00:05:26,716 --> 00:05:29,500 Mike Huckabee recently said people shouldn't join our military 66 00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:33,560 until a true conservative is elected president. 67 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:38,250 Think about that. It was so outrageous, 68 00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:41,530 47 ayatollahs wrote us a letter 69 00:05:41,530 --> 00:05:48,530 trying to explain to Huckabee how our system works. 70 00:05:52,699 --> 00:05:55,520 It gets worse. 71 00:05:55,520 --> 00:06:00,480 Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted 72 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,710 the I would bring about the biblical end of days. 73 00:06:03,710 --> 00:06:10,710 Now that's a legacy. 74 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,550 That's big. 75 00:06:15,550 --> 00:06:22,550 I mean, Lincoln, Washington, they didn't do that. 76 00:06:27,959 --> 00:06:30,149 But, you know, I just had to put this stuff aside, 77 00:06:30,149 --> 00:06:34,529 I've got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans, 78 00:06:34,529 --> 00:06:38,229 this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have 79 00:06:38,229 --> 00:06:43,559 one friend – just a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year, 80 00:06:43,559 --> 00:06:50,559 and she's now living out of a van in Iowa. 81 00:07:00,930 --> 00:07:05,580 Meanwhile, back here at our nation's capital, we're always dealing with new challenges. 82 00:07:05,580 --> 00:07:09,450 I'm happy to report that the Secret Service, thanks to some excellent 83 00:07:09,450 --> 00:07:11,370 reporting by White House correspondents, 84 00:07:11,370 --> 00:07:15,610 they're really focusing on some of the issues that have come up, 85 00:07:15,610 --> 00:07:22,610 and they finally figured out a foolproof way to keep people off my lawn. 86 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:35,440 It works. 87 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:40,370 And it's not just fence jumpers. Some you know that a few months ago, a drone crash-landed 88 00:07:40,370 --> 00:07:44,740 out back. That was pretty serious. But don't worry. We've installed a new 89 00:07:44,740 --> 00:07:51,740 state-of-the-art security system. 90 00:07:53,580 --> 00:07:56,379 You know what? Let me set the record straight. 91 00:07:56,379 --> 00:08:00,179 You know, I tease Joe sometimes. But he has been at my side 92 00:08:00,179 --> 00:08:07,179 for seven years. I love that man. He's not just a great vice president, 93 00:08:07,409 --> 00:08:13,089 he is a great friend. We've gotten so close, in some places in Indiana 94 00:08:13,089 --> 00:08:20,089 they won't serve us pizza anymore. 95 00:08:25,820 --> 00:08:28,330 I want to thank our host for the evening, 96 00:08:28,330 --> 00:08:35,330 a Chicago girl, the incredibly talented Cecily Strong. 97 00:08:39,870 --> 00:08:43,250 On Saturday Night Live, Cecily impersonates CNN anchor 98 00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:47,710 Brook Baldwin, which is surprising, because usually the only people impersonating 99 00:08:47,710 --> 00:08:49,100 journalits on CNN 100 00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:56,100 are journalists on CNN. 101 00:09:00,510 --> 00:09:03,650 ABC is here with some of the the stars from their big new comedy 102 00:09:03,650 --> 00:09:09,220 Blackish. Hey – 103 00:09:09,220 --> 00:09:12,520 it's a great show. But I have to give ABC fair warning. 104 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,700 Being Blackish only makes you popular for so long. 105 00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:20,970 Trust me. 106 00:09:20,970 --> 00:09:27,970 There's a shelf life to that thing. 107 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:32,940 As always, the reporters here had at a lot cover over the last year 108 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:36,529 here on the East Coast. One big story was the brutal winter. 109 00:09:36,529 --> 00:09:39,639 The polar vortex caused so many record lows, they 110 00:09:39,639 --> 00:09:46,639 renamed it MSNBC. 111 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:55,660 But, of course, of course, let's face it, there is one issue on every reporter's mind, 112 00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:56,910 and that's 2016. 113 00:09:56,910 --> 00:10:02,580 Already, we've seen some missteps. Turns out Jeb Bush's identified himself as 114 00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:03,510 Hispanic back in 2009. 115 00:10:03,510 --> 00:10:06,640 Which, you know – 116 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:11,100 look – I understand. It's an innocent mistake. 117 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:18,800 Reminds me of when I identified myself as American, back in 1961. 118 00:10:24,339 --> 00:10:27,779 Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo. 119 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:39,090 Now that's really an apt comparison. 120 00:10:39,090 --> 00:10:42,520 Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the Sun. 121 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:49,520 Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz. 122 00:10:49,530 --> 00:10:52,160 I, I – and this is an aside. I want to point out that when a guy 123 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:56,150 who has his face on a hope poster calls you self-centered, 124 00:10:56,150 --> 00:11:00,860 you know you've got a problem. 125 00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:07,860 The narcissism index is creeping up a little too high. 126 00:11:09,110 --> 00:11:10,809 Meanwhile Rick Santorum announced that he would not attend 127 00:11:10,809 --> 00:11:13,809 the same sex wedding of a friend or a loved one – 128 00:11:13,809 --> 00:11:16,910 to which gays and lesbians across the country responded, 129 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:23,910 "That's not gonna be a problem." Don't sweat that one." 130 00:11:29,130 --> 00:11:33,339 And Donald Trump is here – 131 00:11:33,339 --> 00:11:40,339 still. 132 00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:45,230 Anyway. 133 00:11:45,230 --> 00:11:50,700 It's amazing how time flies. Soon the first presidential contest will take place. 134 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:54,720 And, I, for one, cannot wait to see who the Koch brothers pick. 135 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:59,680 It's exciting. 136 00:12:02,870 --> 00:12:05,878 Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker. 137 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:14,030 Who will finally get that red rose? 138 00:12:14,370 --> 00:12:17,200 The winner gets a billion dollar war chest. 139 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:22,390 The runner-up gets to be The Bachelor on the next season of The Bachelor. 140 00:12:22,390 --> 00:12:25,980 But seriously. 141 00:12:25,980 --> 00:12:29,860 A billion dollars! From just two guys! 142 00:12:29,860 --> 00:12:33,190 Is it just me, or does that feel a little 143 00:12:33,190 --> 00:12:37,920 excessive? That's almost insulting to the candidates. 144 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:42,810 The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get 145 00:12:42,810 --> 00:12:47,010 folks to like one of these people. 146 00:12:47,010 --> 00:12:52,000 It's gotta hurt their feelings a little bit. And look, I know I raised a lot of money too. But 147 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:59,000 in all fairness, my middle name is Hussein? What's their excuse? 148 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:14,050 The trail hasn't been easy for my fellow democrats either. As we all know, Hillary's 149 00:13:14,050 --> 00:13:15,630 private emails got her in trouble. 150 00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:22,630 Frankly, I thought is was going to be her private Instagram account that was gonna cause her bigger problems. 151 00:13:32,050 --> 00:13:35,360 Hillary kicked things off by going completely unrecognized 152 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:39,000 at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone, 153 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:42,220 Martin O'Malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a 154 00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:49,220 Martin O'Malley campaign event. 155 00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:56,090 And Bernie Sanders might run. 156 00:13:56,090 --> 00:13:59,800 I like Bernie. Bernie's an interesting guy. 157 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:05,580 Apparently, some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. 158 00:14:05,580 --> 00:14:12,050 We could get a third Obama term after all. 159 00:14:12,050 --> 00:14:17,890 It could happen. 160 00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,100 Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note. 161 00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:23,380 You know, I often joke about tensions between 162 00:14:23,380 --> 00:14:26,570 me and the press. But honestly, what 163 00:14:26,570 --> 00:14:29,820 they say doesn't bother me. I understand we've got an adversarial system. 164 00:14:29,820 --> 00:14:34,480 I'm a mellow sort of guy. And that's why I invited 165 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:41,480 Luther, my anger translator to join me here tonight. 166 00:14:55,709 --> 00:14:58,149 LUTHER: Hold on to your lily-white butts. 167 00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:04,900 In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents' 168 00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:05,300 Dinner 169 00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:12,300 are important. LUTHER: I mean really! What is this dinner? 170 00:15:12,709 --> 00:15:16,999 And why am I required to come to it? 171 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:21,350 Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this? Because in spite of our differences, 172 00:15:21,350 --> 00:15:25,269 we count on the press to shed light on the most important issues of the day. 173 00:15:25,269 --> 00:15:32,269 Now we can count on Fox News to terrify old white people with some nonsense, 174 00:15:34,940 --> 00:15:36,010 Sharia law is coming to Cleveland! Run for the damned hills! 175 00:15:36,010 --> 00:15:40,860 Y'all's ridiculous. We won't always see eye to eye. 176 00:15:40,860 --> 00:15:44,860 Oh, and CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall 177 00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:48,750 ebola coverage. For two whole weeks, we were one step away from 178 00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:52,079 the Walking Dead! And then y'all got 179 00:15:52,079 --> 00:15:56,399 up and just moved on to the next day. That was awesome! 180 00:15:56,399 --> 00:16:03,399 Oh, and by the way, just, have you noticed? You don't have ebola. 181 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,779 But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do. 182 00:16:07,779 --> 00:16:11,069 LUTHER: Y'all remember when they had that big ole hole in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico? And then 183 00:16:11,069 --> 00:16:15,170 I plugged that? Remember that? Which 184 00:16:15,170 --> 00:16:18,910 Obama's Katrina was that one? Was it 19, 185 00:16:18,910 --> 00:16:24,290 or what, what, was it 20? Because, I, I can't remember. OBAMA: Protecting our democracy 186 00:16:24,290 --> 00:16:28,720 is more important than ever. For example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who 187 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:29,860 gave Ted Cruz 188 00:16:29,860 --> 00:16:32,910 6 million dollars was just exercising free speech. 189 00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:37,449 LUTHER: Yeah, it's the kind of speech like this: "I just wasted 6 million dollars." 190 00:16:37,449 --> 00:16:41,949 And it's not just Republicans. 191 00:16:41,949 --> 00:16:44,949 Hillary will have to raise huge sums of some money, too. 192 00:16:44,949 --> 00:16:49,459 LUTHER: Oh yeah!. She goin' get that 193 00:16:49,459 --> 00:16:52,779 money. She goin' get all 194 00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:56,650 the money! 195 00:16:56,650 --> 00:17:03,650 Khaleesi is coming to Westeros! 196 00:17:04,199 --> 00:17:08,780 Watch out. Whoa! 197 00:17:08,780 --> 00:17:12,380 The non-stop focus on billionaire donors creates real problems 198 00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:16,359 for our democracy. LUTHER: And that's why we're running for a third term. No, we're not. 199 00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:22,049 LUTHER: We're not? Who the Hell said that? 200 00:17:22,049 --> 00:17:24,740 But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges – 201 00:17:24,740 --> 00:17:31,740 like climate change. LUTHER: Hey, listen, y'all. If you haven't noticed, California is bone dry! It looked like a 202 00:17:32,289 --> 00:17:39,289 trailer for the new Mad Max movie up in there. Y'all think that Bradley Cooper can't hear because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd? 203 00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:45,750 He needed a glass of water! Come on! 204 00:17:45,750 --> 00:17:47,840 The 205 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,380 science is clear. 206 00:17:51,380 --> 00:17:55,600 The science of clear. Nine of the ten hottest years 207 00:17:55,600 --> 00:18:01,170 ever came in last decade. LUTHER: Now I'm not a scientist, but I do know how to count to ten. 208 00:18:01,170 --> 00:18:04,570 Rising seas, more violent storms – LUTHER: You got mosquitoes. 209 00:18:04,570 --> 00:18:07,680 sweaty people on the train stinking it up, 210 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:12,460 It's just nasty. I mean, 211 00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:17,480 look at what's happening right now. Every serious scientist says we need to act. 212 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:21,210 LUTHER: Yeah. The Pentagon says it's a national security risk. 213 00:18:21,210 --> 00:18:27,120 Miami floods on a sunny day, and instead of doing anything about it, we've got elected officials throwing 214 00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:28,520 snowballs in the Senate. 215 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,780 LUTHER: Okay, okay, I think I got it, bro. OBAMA: It is crazy! 216 00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:36,480 What about our kids? What kind of stupid, short-sighted 217 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:43,480 irresponsible – the 218 00:18:51,799 --> 00:18:58,630 What? With all due respect, sir? You don't need an anger translator. 219 00:18:58,630 --> 00:19:02,630 You need counseling. So, I'm I'm I'm out of here, man, I'm 220 00:19:02,630 --> 00:19:09,630 not trying to get in all this. OBAMA: Go. 221 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:30,320 Luther, my anger translator, ladies and gentlemen. Now that I got that off my chest. 222 00:19:34,420 --> 00:19:39,990 You know, investigative journalism, 223 00:19:39,990 --> 00:19:43,560 explanatory journalism, 224 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:47,790 journalism that exposes corruption, injustice, 225 00:19:47,790 --> 00:19:51,900 that gives voice to the different and the marginalized, 226 00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:56,910 the voiceless, that's power. 227 00:19:56,910 --> 00:20:02,140 It's a privilege. It's as important to America's 228 00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:06,000 trajectory, to our values, our ideals, than anything 229 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:11,340 we could do in elected office. We remember journalists we lost 230 00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:15,010 over the past year, journalists like Stephen Sundlof, 231 00:20:15,010 --> 00:20:19,330 James Foley, murdered for nothing more than trying to shine a light 232 00:20:19,330 --> 00:20:26,330 into some of the world's darkest corners. 233 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:34,330 We remember the journalists unjustly imprisoned around the world, including 234 00:20:34,330 --> 00:20:37,640 our own Jason ??. 235 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:42,860 For nine months, 236 00:20:42,860 --> 00:20:46,640 Jason has been imprisoned in Tehran for nothing more than writing about the 237 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:47,240 hopes 238 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,470 and the fears of the Iranian people, carrying their stories 239 00:20:50,470 --> 00:20:54,270 to the readers of the Washington Post, in an effort to bridge our common humanity. 240 00:20:54,270 --> 00:20:57,530 As was already mentioned, Jason's brother Ali is here tonight 241 00:20:57,530 --> 00:21:01,890 and I have told him personally we will not rest until we bring him home 242 00:21:01,890 --> 00:21:08,890 to his family safe and sound. 243 00:21:11,159 --> 00:21:12,159 These journalists 244 00:21:12,159 --> 00:21:16,309 and so many others view their work as more than just a profession, but as a 245 00:21:16,309 --> 00:21:17,169 public good, 246 00:21:17,169 --> 00:21:21,730 an indispensable pillar of our society. So I want to give a toast 247 00:21:21,730 --> 00:21:28,730 to them. 248 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,440 I raise a glass 249 00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:38,620 to them and all of you in the words of the American foreign correspondent Dorothy 250 00:21:38,620 --> 00:21:39,160 Thomspon. 251 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:44,030 It is not the fact of liberty, but the way in which liberty 252 00:21:44,030 --> 00:21:47,360 is exercised that ultimately determines whether 253 00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:52,900 liberty itself survives. Thank you for your devotion. 254 00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:56,550 For exercising our liberty, and for telling our American story. 255 00:21:56,550 --> 00:21:59,230 God bless you. God bless the United States of America.