0:00:02.560,0:00:06.909 The President, often criticized for his caution, [br]is now doing things his own way. 0:00:06.909,0:00:10.060 He's cut a climate deal with China, [br]he's issued an immigration order 0:00:10.060,0:00:11.570 We'll see how far he can take it. 0:00:11.570,0:00:37.596 Music: ♪ I don't care. I love it. ♪ 0:00:44.616,0:00:47.252 Good evening everybody. 0:00:47.252,0:00:50.450 Welcome to the White House Correspondents' Dinner, 0:00:50.450,0:00:55.770 the night when Washington celebrates itself. 0:00:55.770,0:00:59.980 Somebody's gotta do it. 0:00:59.980,0:01:01.780 And welcome to the fourth quarter 0:01:01.780,0:01:06.280 of my presidency. It's true. I – 0:01:09.440,0:01:13.280 That was Michelle cheering. 0:01:15.049,0:01:19.870 Fact is I feel more loose [br]and relaxed than ever. 0:01:19.870,0:01:24.630 Those Joe Biden shoulder massages,[br]they're like magic. 0:01:26.450,0:01:28.746 You should try one. 0:01:28.746,0:01:30.212 Oh, you have. 0:01:34.922,0:01:41.060 I am determined to make the most[br]of every moment I have left. 0:01:41.060,0:01:43.550 Now after the midterm elections, [br]my advisers asked me, 0:01:43.550,0:01:45.830 "Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?" 0:01:47.070,0:01:52.830 And I said, "Well I have something [br]that rhymes with 'bucket list.' " 0:02:05.610,0:02:08.583 Take executive action on immigration? 0:02:08.583,0:02:09.816 Bucket. 0:02:13.716,0:02:16.677 New climate regulations? 0:02:17.037,0:02:18.051 Bucket. 0:02:18.051,0:02:20.205 It's the right thing to do. 0:02:22.045,0:02:23.819 And my new attitude is paying off. 0:02:25.299,0:02:27.630 Look at my Cuba policy. 0:02:27.630,0:02:30.319 The Castro brothers are here tonight. 0:02:31.819,0:02:35.160 Welcome to America, amigos. 0:02:35.160,0:02:37.630 Que pasa? 0:02:38.540,0:02:41.790 What? It's the Castros from Texas? 0:02:43.470,0:02:44.650 Oh. 0:02:45.180,0:02:47.820 Hi Joaquin. Hi Julian. 0:02:50.450,0:02:51.979 Anyway. 0:02:52.879,0:02:55.910 Being president is never easy. 0:02:55.910,0:02:58.669 I still have to fix a broken immigration system, 0:02:58.669,0:03:02.950 issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran, 0:03:02.950,0:03:07.723 all while finding time to pray five times a day – 0:03:09.493,0:03:14.276 which is strenuous. 0:03:14.806,0:03:19.940 And it is no wonder the people keep pointing out [br]how the presidency has aged me. 0:03:21.470,0:03:22.940 I look so old, 0:03:22.940,0:03:29.940 John Boehner's already invited [br]Netanyahu to speak at my funeral. 0:03:35.599,0:03:39.610 Meanwhile, Michelle hasn't aged a day. 0:03:39.610,0:03:46.320 I asked which is strenuous. 0:03:46.320,0:03:47.776 I asked her what her secret is. 0:03:47.776,0:03:51.482 She just said, "Fresh fruits and vegetables." 0:03:52.762,0:03:55.910 It's aggravating. 0:04:01.630,0:04:05.990 Fact is though, at this point, my legacy [br]is finally beginning to take shape. 0:04:06.620,0:04:08.250 The economy is getting better. 0:04:08.880,0:04:12.140 Nine in 10 Americans now have health coverage. 0:04:17.060,0:04:20.950 Today, thanks to Obamacare, [br]you no longer have to worry 0:04:20.950,0:04:21.760 about losing your insurance [br]if you lose your job. 0:04:21.760,0:04:24.930 Your welcome, Senate Democrats. 0:04:36.820,0:04:37.520 Now, look, 0:04:37.520,0:04:41.350 it is true I have not managed [br]to make everybody happy. 0:04:41.350,0:04:46.650 Six years into my presidency, [br]some people still say 0:04:47.120,0:04:49.230 I'm arrogant and aloof – condescending. 0:04:49.560,0:04:52.220 Some people are so dumb. 0:04:54.040,0:04:57.790 No wonder I don't meet with them. 0:04:58.260,0:05:02.780 And that's not all people say about me. [br]A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says 0:05:02.780,0:05:06.020 he thinks I'm the worst president of his lifetime. 0:05:06.020,0:05:09.170 Which is interesting, because I think 0:05:09.170,0:05:16.170 Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime. 0:05:21.150,0:05:23.933 That's quite a coincidence. 0:05:23.933,0:05:26.716 I mean everybody's got [br]something to say these days. 0:05:26.716,0:05:29.500 Mike Huckabee recently said [br]people shouldn't join our military 0:05:29.500,0:05:33.560 until a true conservative [br]is elected president. 0:05:33.560,0:05:38.250 Think about that. [br]It was so outrageous, 0:05:38.250,0:05:41.530 47 ayatollahs wrote us a letter 0:05:41.530,0:05:48.530 trying to explain to Huckabee [br]how our system works. 0:05:52.699,0:05:55.520 It gets worse. 0:05:55.520,0:06:00.480 Just this week, Michele Bachmann [br]actually predicted 0:06:00.480,0:06:03.710 the I would bring about [br]the biblical end of days. 0:06:03.710,0:06:10.710 [br]Now that's a legacy. 0:06:12.400,0:06:15.550 That's big. 0:06:15.550,0:06:22.550 I mean, Lincoln, Washington, [br]they didn't do that. 0:06:27.959,0:06:30.149 But, you know, I just had to put this stuff aside, 0:06:30.149,0:06:34.529 I've got to stay focused on my job, [br]because for many Americans, 0:06:34.529,0:06:38.229 this is still a time of deep uncertainty. [br]For example, I have 0:06:38.229,0:06:43.559 one friend – just a few weeks ago, [br]she was making millions of dollars a year, 0:06:43.559,0:06:50.559 and she's now living out of a van in Iowa. 0:07:00.930,0:07:05.580 Meanwhile, back here at our nation's capital, we're always dealing with new challenges. 0:07:05.580,0:07:09.450 I'm happy to report that the Secret Service, [br]thanks to some excellent 0:07:09.450,0:07:11.370 reporting by White House correspondents, 0:07:11.370,0:07:15.610 they're really focusing on some of [br]the issues that have come up, 0:07:15.610,0:07:22.610 and they finally figured out a foolproof way [br]to keep people off my lawn. 0:07:32.840,0:07:35.440 It works. 0:07:35.440,0:07:40.370 And it's not just fence jumpers. Some you know that a few months ago, a drone crash-landed 0:07:40.370,0:07:44.740 out back. That was pretty serious. [br]But don't worry. We've installed a new 0:07:44.740,0:07:51.740 state-of-the-art security system. 0:07:53.580,0:07:56.379 You know what? Let me set the record straight. 0:07:56.379,0:08:00.179 You know, I tease Joe sometimes. [br]But he has been at my side 0:08:00.179,0:08:07.179 for seven years. I love that man. [br]He's not just a great vice president, 0:08:07.409,0:08:13.089 he is a great friend. [br]We've gotten so close, in some places in Indiana 0:08:13.089,0:08:20.089 they won't serve us pizza anymore. 0:08:25.820,0:08:28.330 I want to thank our host for the evening, 0:08:28.330,0:08:35.330 a Chicago girl, the incredibly talented Cecily Strong. 0:08:39.870,0:08:43.250 On Saturday Night Live, Cecily impersonates CNN anchor 0:08:43.250,0:08:47.710 Brook Baldwin, which is surprising, because usually the only people impersonating 0:08:47.710,0:08:49.100 journalits on CNN 0:08:49.100,0:08:56.100 are journalists on CNN. 0:09:00.510,0:09:03.650 ABC is here with some of the the stars from their big new comedy 0:09:03.650,0:09:09.220 Blackish. Hey – 0:09:09.220,0:09:12.520 it's a great show. But I have to give ABC fair warning. 0:09:12.520,0:09:15.700 Being Blackish only makes you popular for so long. 0:09:15.700,0:09:20.970 Trust me. 0:09:20.970,0:09:27.970 There's a shelf life to that thing. 0:09:28.769,0:09:32.940 As always, the reporters here had at a lot cover over the last year 0:09:32.940,0:09:36.529 here on the East Coast. One big story was the brutal winter. 0:09:36.529,0:09:39.639 The polar vortex caused so many record lows, they 0:09:39.639,0:09:46.639 renamed it MSNBC. 0:09:51.200,0:09:55.660 But, of course, of course, let's face it, [br]there is one issue on every reporter's mind, 0:09:55.660,0:09:56.910 and that's 2016. 0:09:56.910,0:10:02.580 Already, we've seen some missteps. [br]Turns out Jeb Bush's identified himself as 0:10:02.580,0:10:03.510 Hispanic back in 2009. 0:10:03.510,0:10:06.640 Which, you know – 0:10:06.640,0:10:11.100 look – I understand. [br]It's an innocent mistake. 0:10:11.800,0:10:18.800 Reminds me of when I identified myself[br]as American, back in 1961. 0:10:24.339,0:10:27.779 Ted Cruz said that denying the existence [br]of climate change made him like Galileo. 0:10:35.009,0:10:39.090 Now that's really an apt comparison. 0:10:39.090,0:10:42.520 Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the Sun. 0:10:42.520,0:10:49.520 Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz. 0:10:49.530,0:10:52.160 I, I – and this is an aside. [br]I want to point out that when a guy 0:10:52.160,0:10:56.150 who has his face on a hope poster [br]calls you self-centered, 0:10:56.150,0:11:00.860 you know you've got a problem. 0:11:00.860,0:11:07.860 The narcissism index [br]is creeping up a little too high. 0:11:09.110,0:11:10.809 Meanwhile Rick Santorum announced [br]that he would not attend 0:11:10.809,0:11:13.809 the same sex wedding [br]of a friend or a loved one – 0:11:13.809,0:11:16.910 to which gays and lesbians across the country responded, 0:11:16.910,0:11:23.910 "That's not gonna be a problem." [br]Don't sweat that one." 0:11:29.130,0:11:33.339 And Donald Trump is here – 0:11:33.339,0:11:40.339 still. 0:11:41.300,0:11:45.230 Anyway. 0:11:45.230,0:11:50.700 It's amazing how time flies. [br]Soon the first presidential contest will take place. 0:11:51.420,0:11:54.720 And, I, for one, cannot wait to see [br]who the Koch brothers pick. 0:11:54.720,0:11:59.680 [br]It's exciting. 0:12:02.870,0:12:05.878 Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz,[br]Jeb Bush, Scott Walker. 0:12:07.030,0:12:14.030 Who will finally get that red rose? 0:12:14.370,0:12:17.200 The winner gets a billion dollar war chest. 0:12:17.200,0:12:22.390 The runner-up gets to be The Bachelor on the next season of The Bachelor. 0:12:22.390,0:12:25.980 But seriously. 0:12:25.980,0:12:29.860 A billion dollars! From just two guys! 0:12:29.860,0:12:33.190 Is it just me, or does that feel a little 0:12:33.190,0:12:37.920 excessive? That's almost insulting to the candidates. 0:12:37.920,0:12:42.810 The Koch brothers think they need to spend a billion dollars to get 0:12:42.810,0:12:47.010 folks to like one of these people. 0:12:47.010,0:12:52.000 It's gotta hurt their feelings a little bit. And look, I know I raised a lot of money too. But 0:12:52.000,0:12:59.000 in all fairness, my middle name is Hussein? What's their excuse? 0:13:09.400,0:13:14.050 The trail hasn't been easy for my fellow democrats either. As we all know, Hillary's 0:13:14.050,0:13:15.630 private emails got her in trouble. 0:13:15.630,0:13:22.630 Frankly, I thought is was going to be her private Instagram account that was gonna cause her bigger problems. 0:13:32.050,0:13:35.360 Hillary kicked things off by going completely unrecognized 0:13:35.360,0:13:39.000 at a Chipotle. Not to be outdone, 0:13:39.000,0:13:42.220 Martin O'Malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a 0:13:42.220,0:13:49.220 Martin O'Malley campaign event. 0:13:54.710,0:13:56.090 And Bernie Sanders might run. 0:13:56.090,0:13:59.800 I like Bernie. Bernie's an interesting guy. 0:13:59.800,0:14:05.580 Apparently, some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. 0:14:05.580,0:14:12.050 We could get a third Obama term after all. 0:14:12.050,0:14:17.890 It could happen. 0:14:17.890,0:14:20.100 Anyway, as always, I want to close on a more serious note. 0:14:20.100,0:14:23.380 You know, I often joke about tensions between 0:14:23.380,0:14:26.570 me and the press. But honestly, what 0:14:26.570,0:14:29.820 they say doesn't bother me. I understand we've got an adversarial system. 0:14:29.820,0:14:34.480 I'm a mellow sort of guy. And that's why I invited 0:14:34.480,0:14:41.480 Luther, my anger translator to join me here tonight. 0:14:55.709,0:14:58.149 LUTHER: Hold on to your lily-white butts. 0:15:01.460,0:15:04.900 In our fast-changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents' 0:15:04.900,0:15:05.300 Dinner 0:15:05.300,0:15:12.300 are important. [br]LUTHER: I mean really! What is this dinner? 0:15:12.709,0:15:16.999 And why am I required to come to it? 0:15:16.999,0:15:21.350 Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this? [br]Because in spite of our differences, 0:15:21.350,0:15:25.269 we count on the press to shed light on [br]the most important issues of the day. 0:15:25.269,0:15:32.269 Now we can count on Fox News to terrify [br]old white people with some nonsense, 0:15:34.940,0:15:36.010 Sharia law is coming to Cleveland! [br]Run for the damned hills! 0:15:36.010,0:15:40.860 Y'all's ridiculous. We won't always see eye to eye. 0:15:40.860,0:15:44.860 Oh, and CNN, thank you so much for the wall-to-wall 0:15:44.860,0:15:48.750 ebola coverage. For two whole weeks, we were one step away from 0:15:48.750,0:15:52.079 the Walking Dead! And then y'all got 0:15:52.079,0:15:56.399 up and just moved on to the next day. That was awesome! 0:15:56.399,0:16:03.399 Oh, and by the way, just, have you noticed? [br]You don't have ebola. 0:16:03.440,0:16:07.779 But I still deeply appreciate the work that you do. 0:16:07.779,0:16:11.069 LUTHER: Y'all remember when they had that big ole hole [br]in the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico? And then 0:16:11.069,0:16:15.170 I plugged that? Remember that? Which 0:16:15.170,0:16:18.910 Obama's Katrina was that one? Was it 19, 0:16:18.910,0:16:24.290 or what, what, was it 20? [br]Because, I, I can't remember. [br]OBAMA: Protecting our democracy 0:16:24.290,0:16:28.720 is more important than ever. [br]For example, the Supreme Court ruled that the donor who 0:16:28.720,0:16:29.860 gave Ted Cruz 0:16:29.860,0:16:32.910 6 million dollars was just exercising free speech. 0:16:32.910,0:16:37.449 LUTHER: Yeah, it's the kind of speech like this: [br]"I just wasted 6 million dollars." 0:16:37.449,0:16:41.949 And it's not just Republicans. 0:16:41.949,0:16:44.949 Hillary will have to raise huge sums of some money, too. 0:16:44.949,0:16:49.459 LUTHER: Oh yeah!. She goin' get that 0:16:49.459,0:16:52.779 money. She goin' get all 0:16:52.779,0:16:56.650 the money! 0:16:56.650,0:17:03.650 Khaleesi is coming to Westeros! 0:17:04.199,0:17:08.780 Watch out. Whoa! 0:17:08.780,0:17:12.380 The non-stop focus on billionaire donors creates real problems 0:17:12.380,0:17:16.359 for our democracy. [br]LUTHER: And that's why we're running for a third term. No, we're not. 0:17:16.359,0:17:22.049 LUTHER: We're not? Who the Hell said that? 0:17:22.049,0:17:24.740 But we do need to stay focused on some big challenges – 0:17:24.740,0:17:31.740 like climate change. [br]LUTHER: Hey, listen, y'all. If you haven't noticed, California is bone dry! It looked like a 0:17:32.289,0:17:39.289 trailer for the new Mad Max movie up in there. [br]Y'all think that Bradley Cooper can't hear because he wants to talk to Chuck Todd? 0:17:43.250,0:17:45.750 He needed a glass of water! Come on! 0:17:45.750,0:17:47.840 The 0:17:47.840,0:17:51.380 science is clear. 0:17:51.380,0:17:55.600 The science of clear. Nine of the ten hottest years 0:17:55.600,0:18:01.170 ever came in last decade. [br]LUTHER: Now I'm not a scientist, but I do know how to count to ten. 0:18:01.170,0:18:04.570 Rising seas, more violent storms – [br]LUTHER: You got mosquitoes. 0:18:04.570,0:18:07.680 sweaty people on the train stinking it up, 0:18:07.680,0:18:12.460 It's just nasty. I mean, 0:18:12.460,0:18:17.480 look at what's happening right now. [br]Every serious scientist says we need to act. 0:18:17.480,0:18:21.210 LUTHER: Yeah. [br]The Pentagon says it's a national security risk. 0:18:21.210,0:18:27.120 Miami floods on a sunny day, and instead of [br]doing anything about it, we've got elected officials throwing 0:18:27.120,0:18:28.520 snowballs in the Senate. 0:18:28.520,0:18:31.780 LUTHER: Okay, okay, I think I got it, bro. OBAMA: It is crazy! 0:18:31.780,0:18:36.480 What about our kids? [br]What kind of stupid, short-sighted 0:18:36.480,0:18:43.480 irresponsible – the 0:18:51.799,0:18:58.630 What? With all due respect, sir? [br]You don't need an anger translator. 0:18:58.630,0:19:02.630 You need counseling. So, I'm I'm I'm out of here, man, I'm 0:19:02.630,0:19:09.630 not trying to get in all this. OBAMA: Go. 0:19:23.320,0:19:30.320 Luther, my anger translator, ladies and gentlemen. [br]Now that I got that off my chest. 0:19:34.420,0:19:39.990 You know, investigative journalism, 0:19:39.990,0:19:43.560 explanatory journalism, 0:19:43.560,0:19:47.790 journalism that exposes corruption, injustice, 0:19:47.790,0:19:51.900 that gives voice to the different and the marginalized, 0:19:51.900,0:19:56.910 the voiceless, that's power. 0:19:56.910,0:20:02.140 It's a privilege. It's as important to America's 0:20:02.140,0:20:06.000 trajectory, to our values, our ideals, than anything 0:20:06.000,0:20:11.340 we could do in elected office. [br]We remember journalists we lost 0:20:11.340,0:20:15.010 over the past year, journalists like Stephen Sundlof, 0:20:15.010,0:20:19.330 James Foley, murdered for nothing [br]more than trying to shine a light 0:20:19.330,0:20:26.330 into some of the world's darkest corners. 0:20:30.840,0:20:34.330 We remember the journalists unjustly imprisoned [br]around the world, including 0:20:34.330,0:20:37.640 our own Jason ??. 0:20:37.640,0:20:42.860 For nine months, 0:20:42.860,0:20:46.640 Jason has been imprisoned in Tehran [br]for nothing more than writing about the 0:20:46.640,0:20:47.240 hopes 0:20:47.240,0:20:50.470 and the fears of the Iranian people, carrying their stories 0:20:50.470,0:20:54.270 to the readers of the Washington Post, in an effort to bridge our common humanity. 0:20:54.270,0:20:57.530 As was already mentioned, Jason's brother Ali is here tonight 0:20:57.530,0:21:01.890 and I have told him personally [br]we will not rest until we bring him home 0:21:01.890,0:21:08.890 to his family safe and sound. 0:21:11.159,0:21:12.159 These journalists 0:21:12.159,0:21:16.309 and so many others view their work [br]as more than just a profession, but as a 0:21:16.309,0:21:17.169 public good, 0:21:17.169,0:21:21.730 an indispensable pillar of our society. [br]So I want to give a toast 0:21:21.730,0:21:28.730 to them. 0:21:32.080,0:21:33.440 I raise a glass 0:21:33.440,0:21:38.620 to them and all of you in the words of [br]the American foreign correspondent Dorothy 0:21:38.620,0:21:39.160 Thomspon. 0:21:39.160,0:21:44.030 It is not the fact of liberty, but the way in which liberty 0:21:44.030,0:21:47.360 is exercised that ultimately determines whether 0:21:47.360,0:21:52.900 liberty itself survives. [br]Thank you for your devotion. 0:21:52.900,0:21:56.550 For exercising our liberty, [br]and for telling our American story. 0:21:56.550,0:21:59.230 God bless you. [br]God bless the United States of America.