1
00:00:00,857 --> 00:00:02,690
Hello, Doha. Hello!

2
00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:04,805
Salaam alaikum.

3
00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:10,806
I love coming to Doha.
It's such an international place.

4
00:00:10,830 --> 00:00:14,358
It feels like the United Nations here.

5
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:17,651
You land at the airport,
and you're welcomed by an Indian lady

6
00:00:17,675 --> 00:00:21,538
who takes you to Al Maha Services,
where you meet a Filipino lady

7
00:00:21,562 --> 00:00:23,776
who hands you off to a South African lady

8
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,523
who then takes you to a Korean

9
00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:28,344
who takes you to a Pakistani guy
with the luggage

10
00:00:28,368 --> 00:00:30,382
who takes you to the car
with a Sri Lankan.

11
00:00:30,406 --> 00:00:33,216
You go to the hotel and you check in.
There's a Lebanese.

12
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,420
Yeah? And then a Swedish guy
showed me my room.

13
00:00:36,444 --> 00:00:38,266
I said, "Where are the Qataris?"

14
00:00:38,290 --> 00:00:39,936
(Laughter)

15
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,906
(Applause)

16
00:00:42,930 --> 00:00:46,265
They said, "No, no, it's too hot.
They come out later. They're smart."

17
00:00:46,289 --> 00:00:47,440
"They know."

18
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:49,180
(Laughter)

19
00:00:49,204 --> 00:00:52,993
And of course, it's growing so fast,
sometimes there's growing pains.

20
00:00:53,017 --> 00:00:55,295
You know, like sometimes
you run into people

21
00:00:55,319 --> 00:00:58,580
that you think know the city well,
but they don't know it that well.

22
00:00:58,604 --> 00:01:01,176
My Indian cab driver showed up at the W,

23
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,467
and I asked him to take me
to the Sheraton,

24
00:01:03,491 --> 00:01:05,122
and he said, "No problem, sir."

25
00:01:06,018 --> 00:01:08,081
And then we sat there for two minutes.

26
00:01:08,105 --> 00:01:10,609
I said, "What's wrong?"
He said, "One problem, sir."

27
00:01:10,633 --> 00:01:11,672
(Laughter)

28
00:01:11,696 --> 00:01:13,561
I said, "What?" He goes, "Where is it?"

29
00:01:13,585 --> 00:01:15,998
(Laughter)

30
00:01:16,022 --> 00:01:18,061
I go, "You're the driver,
you should know."

31
00:01:18,085 --> 00:01:19,815
He goes, "No, I just arrived, sir."

32
00:01:20,466 --> 00:01:23,705
I go, "You just arrived at the W?"
"No, I just arrived in Doha, sir."

33
00:01:23,729 --> 00:01:24,767
(Laughter)

34
00:01:24,791 --> 00:01:26,688
"I was on my way home from the airport,

35
00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:28,339
I got a job. I'm working already."

36
00:01:28,363 --> 00:01:29,854
(Laughter)

37
00:01:29,878 --> 00:01:32,018
He goes, "Sir, why don't you drive?"

38
00:01:32,042 --> 00:01:33,070
(Laughter)

39
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:34,674
"I don't know where we're going."

40
00:01:34,698 --> 00:01:36,802
"Neither do I. It will be
an adventure, sir."

41
00:01:36,826 --> 00:01:38,618
(Laughter)

42
00:01:39,670 --> 00:01:43,276
The Middle East has been
an adventure the past couple of years.

43
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:46,451
It is going crazy with the Arab Spring
and revolution and all this.

44
00:01:46,475 --> 00:01:48,853
Are there any Lebanese
here tonight, by applause?

45
00:01:48,877 --> 00:01:49,886
(Cheering)

46
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,062
Lebanese, yeah.

47
00:01:51,086 --> 00:01:52,593
The Middle East is going crazy.

48
00:01:52,617 --> 00:01:54,538
You know the Middle East is going crazy

49
00:01:54,562 --> 00:01:57,251
when Lebanon is the most peaceful
place in the region.

50
00:01:57,275 --> 00:01:59,839
(Laughter) (Applause)

51
00:01:59,863 --> 00:02:01,259
Who would have thought?

52
00:02:01,283 --> 00:02:02,776
(Laughter)

53
00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,313
Oh my gosh.

54
00:02:04,948 --> 00:02:06,908
No, there's serious issues in the region.

55
00:02:06,932 --> 00:02:10,654
Some people don't want to talk about them.
I'm here to talk about them tonight.

56
00:02:10,678 --> 00:02:13,693
Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East,
here's a serious issue.

57
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,027
When we see each other, when we say hello,

58
00:02:16,051 --> 00:02:17,800
how many kisses are we going to do?

59
00:02:17,824 --> 00:02:19,275
(Laughter)

60
00:02:19,299 --> 00:02:21,776
Every country is different
and it's confusing, okay?

61
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:23,606
In Lebanon, they do three.

62
00:02:23,630 --> 00:02:25,337
In Egypt, they do two.

63
00:02:25,361 --> 00:02:27,609
I was in Lebanon, I got used to three.

64
00:02:27,949 --> 00:02:31,245
I went to Egypt. I went to say hello
to this one Egyptian guy,

65
00:02:31,269 --> 00:02:33,117
I went, one, two. I went for three --

66
00:02:33,141 --> 00:02:34,345
He wasn't into it.

67
00:02:34,369 --> 00:02:39,267
(Laughter)

68
00:02:39,291 --> 00:02:41,743
I told him, I said, "No, no,
I was just in Lebanon."

69
00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:45,371
He goes, "I don't care where you were.
You just stay where you are, please."

70
00:02:45,395 --> 00:02:47,404
(Laughter) (Applause)

71
00:02:49,005 --> 00:02:50,358
I went to Saudi Arabia.

72
00:02:50,382 --> 00:02:53,786
In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two,
and then they stay on the same side:

73
00:02:53,810 --> 00:02:56,327
three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine,

74
00:02:56,351 --> 00:02:59,044
10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 --

75
00:02:59,068 --> 00:03:01,735
(Laughter)

76
00:03:01,759 --> 00:03:03,681
Next time you see a Saudi, look closely.

77
00:03:03,705 --> 00:03:05,375
They're just a little bit tilted.

78
00:03:05,399 --> 00:03:07,093
(Laughter)

79
00:03:07,117 --> 00:03:08,291
"Abdul, are you okay?"

80
00:03:08,315 --> 00:03:10,983
"I was saying hello
for half an hour. I'll be all right."

81
00:03:11,007 --> 00:03:12,157
(Laughter)

82
00:03:12,768 --> 00:03:15,735
Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose.

83
00:03:16,218 --> 00:03:19,043
Why is that? Are you too tired
to go all the way around?

84
00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:20,103
(Laughter)

85
00:03:20,127 --> 00:03:23,223
"Habibi, it's so hot. Just come here
for a second. Say hello.

86
00:03:23,247 --> 00:03:25,989
Hello, Habibi. Just don't move.
Just stay there, please.

87
00:03:26,013 --> 00:03:27,239
I need to rest."

88
00:03:27,263 --> 00:03:29,378
(Laughter)

89
00:03:29,402 --> 00:03:33,490
Iranians, sometimes we do two,
sometimes we do three.

90
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:36,953
A friend of mine explained to me,
before the '79 revolution, it was two.

91
00:03:36,977 --> 00:03:38,014
(Laughter)

92
00:03:38,038 --> 00:03:40,000
After the revolution, three.

93
00:03:40,024 --> 00:03:42,749
So with Iranians, you can tell
whose side the person is on

94
00:03:42,773 --> 00:03:44,857
based on the number
of kisses they give you.

95
00:03:44,881 --> 00:03:48,524
Yeah, if you go one, two, three --
"I can't believe you support this regime!"

96
00:03:48,548 --> 00:03:49,549
(Laughter)

97
00:03:49,573 --> 00:03:51,097
"With your three kisses."

98
00:03:51,121 --> 00:03:53,789
(Laughter)

99
00:03:53,813 --> 00:03:56,294
But no, guys, really,
it is exciting to be here,

100
00:03:56,318 --> 00:03:59,173
and like I said, you guys
are doing a lot culturally,

101
00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,868
you know, and it's amazing,

102
00:04:00,892 --> 00:04:03,753
and it helps change the image
of the Middle East in the West.

103
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:07,297
A lot of Americans don't know
a lot about us, about the Middle East.

104
00:04:07,321 --> 00:04:10,760
I'm Iranian and American. I'm there.
I know, I've traveled here.

105
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,496
There's so much, we laugh, right?

106
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,883
People don't know we laugh.

107
00:04:13,907 --> 00:04:17,248
When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour,
it came out on Comedy Central,

108
00:04:17,272 --> 00:04:19,380
I went online to see
what people were saying.

109
00:04:19,404 --> 00:04:21,191
I ended up on a conservative website.

110
00:04:21,215 --> 00:04:24,597
One guy wrote another guy. He said,
"I never knew these people laughed."

111
00:04:25,036 --> 00:04:28,846
Think about it. You never see us laughing
in American film or television, right?

112
00:04:28,870 --> 00:04:31,464
Maybe like an evil laugh: "Wuhahaha."

113
00:04:31,488 --> 00:04:32,539
(Laughter)

114
00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:35,666
"I will kill you in the name
of Allah, wuhahahahaha."

115
00:04:35,690 --> 00:04:36,848
(Laughter)

116
00:04:36,872 --> 00:04:38,773
But never like, "Ha ha ha ha la."

117
00:04:38,797 --> 00:04:40,524
(Laughter)

118
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:43,211
We like to laugh.
We like to celebrate life.

119
00:04:43,235 --> 00:04:45,291
And I wish more Americans
would travel here.

120
00:04:45,315 --> 00:04:46,759
I always encourage my friends:

121
00:04:46,783 --> 00:04:48,233
"Travel, see the Middle East,

122
00:04:48,257 --> 00:04:50,399
there's so much to see,
so many good people."

123
00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:52,673
And it's vice versa,
and it helps stop problems

124
00:04:52,697 --> 00:04:55,720
of misunderstanding
and stereotypes from happening.

125
00:04:55,744 --> 00:04:58,098
For example, I don't know
if you heard about this,

126
00:04:58,122 --> 00:05:00,756
a little while ago in the US,
there was a Muslim family

127
00:05:00,780 --> 00:05:02,771
walking down the aisle of an airplane,

128
00:05:02,795 --> 00:05:05,189
talking about the safest place
to sit on the plane.

129
00:05:05,490 --> 00:05:07,047
Some passengers overheard them,

130
00:05:07,071 --> 00:05:10,317
somehow misconstrued that
as terrorist talk,

131
00:05:10,341 --> 00:05:12,133
got them kicked off the plane.

132
00:05:12,157 --> 00:05:15,443
It was a family, a mother, father, child,
talking about the seating.

133
00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:16,723
As a Middle Eastern male,

134
00:05:16,747 --> 00:05:19,493
I know there's certain things
I'm not supposed to say

135
00:05:19,517 --> 00:05:21,206
on an airplane in the US, right?

136
00:05:21,230 --> 00:05:23,405
I'm not supposed to be
walking down the aisle,

137
00:05:23,429 --> 00:05:25,437
and be like, "Hi, Jack." That's not cool.

138
00:05:25,461 --> 00:05:26,883
(Laughter)

139
00:05:26,907 --> 00:05:29,336
Even if I'm there with my friend
named Jack, I say,

140
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,316
"Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack."

141
00:05:31,844 --> 00:05:33,039
Never "Hi, Jack."

142
00:05:33,063 --> 00:05:35,956
(Laughter)

143
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:38,168
But now, apparently we can't even talk

144
00:05:38,192 --> 00:05:40,368
about the safest place
to sit on an airplane.

145
00:05:40,693 --> 00:05:43,778
So my advice to all my Middle Eastern
friends and Muslim friends

146
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,089
and anyone who looks
Middle Eastern or Muslim,

147
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:49,611
so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos,
everyone, if you're brown --

148
00:05:49,635 --> 00:05:51,323
(Laughter)

149
00:05:51,347 --> 00:05:53,609
Here's my advice to my brown friends.

150
00:05:53,633 --> 00:05:54,686
(Laughter)

151
00:05:54,710 --> 00:05:57,079
The next time you're
on an airplane in the US,

152
00:05:57,103 --> 00:05:58,720
just speak your mother tongue.

153
00:05:59,132 --> 00:06:01,710
That way no one knows
what you're saying. Life goes on.

154
00:06:01,734 --> 00:06:02,756
(Laughter)

155
00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:05,689
Granted, some mother tongues
might sound a little threatening

156
00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:06,875
to the average American.

157
00:06:06,899 --> 00:06:09,208
If you're walking
down the aisle speaking Arabic,

158
00:06:09,232 --> 00:06:10,594
you might freak them out --

159
00:06:10,618 --> 00:06:12,920
(Imitating Arabic)

160
00:06:12,944 --> 00:06:14,999
They might say, "What's he talking about?"

161
00:06:15,023 --> 00:06:17,012
The key, to my Arab brothers and sisters,

162
00:06:17,036 --> 00:06:19,576
is to throw in random
good words to put people at ease

163
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,184
as you're walking down the aisle.

164
00:06:21,208 --> 00:06:22,638
Just as you're walking down --

165
00:06:22,662 --> 00:06:24,007
(Imitating Arabic)

166
00:06:24,031 --> 00:06:25,209
Strawberry!

167
00:06:25,233 --> 00:06:32,169
(Laughter)

168
00:06:32,416 --> 00:06:33,902
(Imitating Arabic)

169
00:06:33,926 --> 00:06:35,077
Rainbow!

170
00:06:35,101 --> 00:06:37,070
(Laughter)

171
00:06:37,094 --> 00:06:38,351
(Imitating Arabic)

172
00:06:38,375 --> 00:06:39,526
Tutti Frutti!

173
00:06:39,550 --> 00:06:40,660
(Laughter)

174
00:06:40,684 --> 00:06:43,826
"I think he's going to hijack
the plane with some ice cream."

175
00:06:43,850 --> 00:06:45,790
Thank you very much. Have a good night.

176
00:06:45,814 --> 00:06:46,965
Thank you, TED.

177
00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:50,817
(Cheers) (Applause)