1 00:00:24,038 --> 00:00:25,678 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen 2 00:00:25,678 --> 00:00:27,105 Welcome to the Criterion Theatre 3 00:00:27,105 --> 00:00:30,309 And to the tonight's performance by the Reduced Shakespeare Company 4 00:00:30,309 --> 00:00:32,994 I have a few brief announcements before we get underway 5 00:00:32,994 --> 00:00:34,509 The use of flash photography 6 00:00:34,509 --> 00:00:37,781 Or the recording of this show by any means - audio or video 7 00:00:37,781 --> 00:00:40,285 Is prohibited by management 8 00:00:40,299 --> 00:00:44,362 Also please refrain from eating, drinking or smoking anything 9 00:00:44,362 --> 00:00:45,718 In the theatre. 10 00:00:45,718 --> 00:00:47,352 Please take a moment now to locate 11 00:00:47,352 --> 00:00:49,076 The exit nearest your seat. 12 00:00:51,369 --> 00:00:53,997 Should the theatre experience a sudden loss of pressure 13 00:00:53,997 --> 00:00:56,782 Oxygen masks will drop automatically. 14 00:00:56,782 --> 00:00:59,021 Simply place the mask over your nose and mouth 15 00:00:59,021 --> 00:01:00,950 And continue to breath normally. 16 00:01:00,950 --> 00:01:03,048 If you are at the theatre with a small child, 17 00:01:03,048 --> 00:01:05,062 Please, place your own mask on first, 18 00:01:05,062 --> 00:01:08,429 And let the little bugger fend for himself. 19 00:01:08,430 --> 00:01:11,209 At this time, I'd like to introduce myself. 20 00:01:11,209 --> 00:01:13,899 My name is Reed Martin of the Reduced Shakespeare Company 21 00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:16,435 And this evening, we are going to attempt a feat 22 00:01:16,435 --> 00:01:18,891 Which we believe to be unprecedented 23 00:01:18,891 --> 00:01:20,780 In the history of theatre. 24 00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:23,804 That is to capture, in a single theatrical performance, 25 00:01:23,804 --> 00:01:27,927 The magic, the genius, the towering grandeur, 26 00:01:27,927 --> 00:01:30,816 Of the complete works of William Shakespeare. 27 00:01:30,816 --> 00:01:33,481 Now we've got a lot to get through tonight, 28 00:01:33,481 --> 00:01:36,533 So at this time, I'd like to introduce a member of the company 29 00:01:36,533 --> 00:01:39,954 Who is one of California's preeminent Shakespearian scholars. 30 00:01:39,954 --> 00:01:43,566 He has a bachelor's degree from the University of California at Berkely 31 00:01:43,576 --> 00:01:47,047 Where I believe he read two books about William Shakespeare 32 00:01:47,047 --> 00:01:50,273 He is here tonight to give us a brief preface to the complete works 33 00:01:50,273 --> 00:01:51,899 Of William Shakespeare Abridged: 34 00:01:51,899 --> 00:01:53,460 Please welcome me in joining 35 00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:55,207 Mr. Austin Tichenor! 36 00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:05,049 Thank thee. Thanks! Thank you. 37 00:02:06,299 --> 00:02:08,780 Thank you, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen 38 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:12,164 William Shakespeare. 39 00:02:12,164 --> 00:02:15,035 Playwright, poet, actor, philosopher. 40 00:02:15,083 --> 00:02:17,698 A man whose creative and literary genius 41 00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,819 Has had immeasurably profound influence 42 00:02:19,859 --> 00:02:23,569 Upon the consciousness and culture of the entire English speaking world 43 00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:28,029 And yet, how much do we really know? 44 00:02:28,270 --> 00:02:30,191 I mean, how much do we really appreciate 45 00:02:30,191 --> 00:02:32,277 The tremendous body of work contained 46 00:02:32,384 --> 00:02:34,636 In this single volume? 47 00:02:37,412 --> 00:02:39,908 Well, not enough is the answer 48 00:02:39,908 --> 00:02:43,674 And I believe I can illustrate this by giving a brief poll amongst the audience. 49 00:02:43,674 --> 00:02:47,248 Bob, can I get some House lights on please? 50 00:02:47,282 --> 00:02:51,242 Oh, yes. Now, you're a theatre-going crowd 51 00:02:51,242 --> 00:02:54,149 No doubt of an above average cultural and literary awareness 52 00:02:54,149 --> 00:02:56,142 And yet, if I could just have a brief show of hands: 53 00:02:56,142 --> 00:03:00,120 How many of you have ever seen or read any play by William Shakespeare? 54 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:02,235 Any play at all by the Bard? Just raise your hand 55 00:03:02,235 --> 00:03:03,817 It doesn't matter which... 56 00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:05,363 We better get out of here, they don't know... 57 00:03:09,209 --> 00:03:12,508 Austin, they don't know Shakespeare from shinola 58 00:03:12,508 --> 00:03:15,319 Just keep going. Narrow it down. 59 00:03:17,006 --> 00:03:19,461 Let's see if we can narrow it down a bit, shall we? 60 00:03:19,461 --> 00:03:23,960 Um, how many of you have ever seen or read All's Well That Ends Well? 61 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,348 All's Well, anyone? 62 00:03:26,348 --> 00:03:30,505 Yes, so that seems to be separating the wheat from the chaff rather nicely 63 00:03:30,505 --> 00:03:34,619 Let's see if we can find out who the true Shakespeare trivia champs are here tonight 64 00:03:34,619 --> 00:03:38,340 How many of you have ever seen or read King John? King John in... 65 00:03:40,550 --> 00:03:45,656 Oh yeah, right. Well would you mind telling us what it's all about? 66 00:03:45,656 --> 00:03:49,563 No, no, don't ask her, no, no, no, I'm... I'm talking... 67 00:03:49,572 --> 00:03:52,366 Ladies and gentlemen, you laugh, you scoff 68 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:57,058 but let he or she among you who is free from sin live in a glass house 69 00:03:57,058 --> 00:04:02,178 I submit to you. I submit to you that our society's collective capacity to comprehend 70 00:04:02,178 --> 00:04:05,059 much less attain the genius of William Shakespeare 71 00:04:05,059 --> 00:04:07,455 Has been systematically compromised by computers 72 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:09,375 Vandalized by video games 73 00:04:09,375 --> 00:04:12,222 And annihilated by Andrew Lloyd Webber 74 00:04:13,162 --> 00:04:16,632 But have no fear. The Reduced Shakespeare Company is here 75 00:04:16,632 --> 00:04:19,981 We descend among you on a mission from God and the literary Muse 76 00:04:19,981 --> 00:04:23,273 To spread the holy word of the Bard to the masses 77 00:04:23,273 --> 00:04:25,947 To help you take those first, faltering steps 78 00:04:25,947 --> 00:04:30,754 Out of the twentieth century quagmire of fresh frozen fast food culture 79 00:04:30,754 --> 00:04:33,602 And into the future! A glorious future. 80 00:04:33,602 --> 00:04:38,867 A future in which this book will be found in every hotel room in the world! 81 00:04:39,774 --> 00:04:45,207 That is my dream! Yes! Yes! Thank you! Thank you! 82 00:04:49,887 --> 00:04:53,583 Yes, I feel as if I'm preaching to the converted 83 00:04:53,583 --> 00:04:56,871 Can I get an AMEN? [Amen!] 84 00:04:56,923 --> 00:05:00,888 Oh, thank you Jesus! That's my dream! And it begins tonight 85 00:05:00,888 --> 00:05:05,326 Join us, join us in taking those first steps down the path 86 00:05:05,326 --> 00:05:08,304 Towards the brave new world of intellectual redemption 87 00:05:08,304 --> 00:05:15,564 By opening your hearts, please, please, open your hearts, and your pocket books 88 00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:19,273 Please, c'mon now, we accept any denomination, any currency at all 89 00:05:19,273 --> 00:05:22,153 Anything except the Euro. We have no idea what that is all about 90 00:05:22,153 --> 00:05:26,017 Y'know. C'mon, man, give us your ca - give us your cash 91 00:05:26,017 --> 00:05:28,861 If we be friends, and deduct it when the tax year ends! 92 00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:33,279 And now on with the show. Let us bring it to ya', put some love in your hearts 93 00:05:33,292 --> 00:05:36,152 Gimme a Hallelujah! [Hallelujah!] 94 00:05:36,152 --> 00:05:38,732 Oh, may the Bard be with you 95 00:05:38,732 --> 00:05:40,584 Good night, thank you 96 00:05:52,093 --> 00:05:53,980 Those of you who own a copy of this book 97 00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:57,925 Know that no volume is complete without a brief biography of William Shakespeare 98 00:05:57,925 --> 00:05:59,706 Providing this portion of the performance 99 00:05:59,706 --> 00:06:02,381 will be the third member of the Reduced Shakespeare Company 100 00:06:02,381 --> 00:06:05,796 Please welcome to the stage, Mr. Adam Long! 101 00:06:12,727 --> 00:06:14,627 Oh, shit 102 00:06:14,627 --> 00:06:16,512 No, no, let me get it, they go in order 103 00:06:16,512 --> 00:06:18,221 So just let me get... I got it. 104 00:06:18,221 --> 00:06:21,213 Okay, what I did was I've just written a few notes on Shakespeare's life 105 00:06:21,220 --> 00:06:23,351 Just to get the show off to a good start 106 00:06:23,351 --> 00:06:26,980 Just so like everybody can know all the stuff that he did and everything 107 00:06:26,980 --> 00:06:30,693 As you can see, I'm not actually an audience member, I completely fooled you 108 00:06:33,013 --> 00:06:38,913 Okay. Okay. William Shakespeare 109 00:06:41,653 --> 00:06:46,830 William Shakespeare was born in 1564 in the town of Stratford-Upon-Avon, Warwickshire 110 00:06:46,830 --> 00:06:50,371 The third of eight children he was the eldest son of John Shakespeare 111 00:06:50,371 --> 00:06:54,140 a locally prominent merchant, and Mary Arden, daughter of a Roman... 112 00:06:55,692 --> 00:06:58,306 Catholic member of the Landed Gentry. 113 00:06:58,306 --> 00:07:01,068 In 1582, he married Anne Hathaway 114 00:07:01,068 --> 00:07:03,395 Shakespeare arrived in London in 1588 115 00:07:03,395 --> 00:07:07,865 And by 1592, he had achieved success as an actor and a playwright 116 00:07:07,865 --> 00:07:13,249 After 1608, his dramatic production lessened, and it seems that he spent more time in Stratford 117 00:07:13,249 --> 00:07:16,904 There he dictated to his secretary, Rudolf Hess, the work Mein Kampf... 118 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:28,642 In which he set forth this program for the restoration of Germany to a dominant position in Europe 119 00:07:29,472 --> 00:07:33,360 After reoccupying the Rhineland Zone between France and Germany and annexing Austria, 120 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:37,252 the Sudetenland, and the remainder of Czechoslovakia... 121 00:07:41,121 --> 00:07:45,939 Shakespeare invaded Poland on September 1, 1939 122 00:07:47,229 --> 00:07:49,132 Thus precipitating World War II 123 00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:52,051 I never knew that before 124 00:07:52,371 --> 00:07:53,564 Okay, okay 125 00:07:53,764 --> 00:07:57,849 Shakespeare remained in Berlin when the Russians entered the city on April 1, 1945 126 00:07:57,849 --> 00:08:00,995 And committed suicide with his mistress, Eva Peron. 127 00:08:03,045 --> 00:08:05,066 He lies buried in the church at Stratford 128 00:08:05,066 --> 00:08:07,744 Thank you very much, that's all I've got 129 00:08:15,014 --> 00:08:18,503 And now, without further ado, the Reduced Shakespeare Company is proud to prevent 130 00:08:18,503 --> 00:08:20,983 the Complete Works of William Shakespeare: 131 00:08:20,983 --> 00:08:22,191 Abridged! 132 00:08:28,624 --> 00:08:34,022 All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players 133 00:08:34,022 --> 00:08:40,282 They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts 134 00:08:41,412 --> 00:08:44,787 One man in his time plays many parts: how true! 135 00:08:44,787 --> 00:08:48,779 Ladies and gentlemen, where better to begin our exploration into the complete 136 00:08:48,787 --> 00:08:52,335 works of the greatest of all English playwrights than in Verona, Italy 137 00:08:52,335 --> 00:08:56,489 With two of his most beloved characters, Romeo and Juliet! 138 00:08:56,489 --> 00:09:01,195 Now, Adam and Reed are going to assist me by portraying all the major characters in Romeo and Juliet 139 00:09:01,195 --> 00:09:04,416 While I fill in with bits of crucial narration. 140 00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:06,531 We begin with the prologue. 141 00:09:09,061 --> 00:09:11,317 Two households, both alike in dignity, in 142 00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:13,803 fair Verona, where we lay our scene, from 143 00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:16,004 ancient grudge breaks a new mutiny, where 144 00:09:16,004 --> 00:09:19,160 civil blood makes civil hands unclean. 145 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,136 From forth the fatal loins of these two 146 00:09:21,136 --> 00:09:23,334 foes, a pair of star-crossed lovers take 147 00:09:23,334 --> 00:09:26,216 their life. Huah! Whose misadventure 148 00:09:26,216 --> 00:09:29,258 piteous o'erthrows, do, with their death, 149 00:09:29,258 --> 00:09:32,357 bury their parents' strife. Thank you very much 150 00:09:40,457 --> 00:09:44,749 Act 1, Scene 1. In the street meet two men, tall and handsome 151 00:09:44,749 --> 00:09:48,146 One, Benvolio. The other named Sampson 152 00:09:48,146 --> 00:09:54,165 Their hatred fueled by an ancient feud, for one serves Capulet, the other, Montague-d. 153 00:09:59,090 --> 00:10:00,490 Oh, it's him. I hate him, 154 00:10:00,490 --> 00:10:02,520 his family, hate his dog, hate 'em all. 155 00:10:04,781 --> 00:10:06,031 Do you bite your thumb at me, sir? 156 00:10:06,031 --> 00:10:07,591 No, sir, I do but bite my thumb. 157 00:10:07,591 --> 00:10:08,891 Do you bite your thumb at me, sir? 158 00:10:08,891 --> 00:10:10,641 No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir 159 00:10:10,645 --> 00:10:12,495 but I do but bite my thumb. Do you quarrel, sir? 160 00:10:12,495 --> 00:10:13,935 Quarrel, sir? No, sir! 161 00:10:13,935 --> 00:10:16,665 But if you do, sir, I am for you, a serve as good a man as you. 162 00:10:16,668 --> 00:10:17,768 Hah! No better. 163 00:10:17,768 --> 00:10:19,328 Yes. Better. 164 00:10:22,945 --> 00:10:24,105 You lie! 165 00:10:36,599 --> 00:10:37,789 Montague! 166 00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:49,016 I'm twisting your hand! Argh! 167 00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:50,756 This is really gonna hurt you! 168 00:10:50,756 --> 00:10:52,986 Rebellious subjects! 169 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,246 Uh-oh, it's the Prince! 170 00:10:54,246 --> 00:10:57,556 Enemies to the peace, profaners of this neighbor-stainéd steel 171 00:10:57,556 --> 00:10:59,336 You, Capulet, shall go along with me. 172 00:10:59,336 --> 00:11:02,906 Benvolio, come you this afternoon to know our farther pleasure in this case. 173 00:11:05,856 --> 00:11:07,176 Sorry 174 00:11:09,325 --> 00:11:12,446 Oh, where is Romeo? Saw you him today, 175 00:11:12,446 --> 00:11:14,866 Right glad I am, he was not at this fray. 176 00:11:14,866 --> 00:11:16,536 Ah, but see, he comes! 177 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,070 Romeo, he cried, I will know his grievance, 178 00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:24,870 Or be much denied. Good morrow, cuz. 179 00:11:24,870 --> 00:11:26,240 Is the day so young? 180 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:27,400 But new struck nine. 181 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,830 Ay, me. Sad hours seem long. 182 00:11:28,830 --> 00:11:30,640 What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours? 183 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,710 Not having that which, having, makes them short. 184 00:11:32,712 --> 00:11:33,362 In love? 185 00:11:33,362 --> 00:11:33,672 Out. 186 00:11:33,672 --> 00:11:34,342 Of love? 187 00:11:34,342 --> 00:11:35,532 Out of her favor, where I am in love. 188 00:11:35,532 --> 00:11:37,752 Alas, that love, so gentle in his view, 189 00:11:37,752 --> 00:11:38,832 Should be so rough and tyrannous in proof. 190 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,262 Alas that love, whose view is muffled 191 00:11:40,262 --> 00:11:43,142 Still, should without eyes see pathways to his will. 192 00:11:43,715 --> 00:11:44,415 Oh! 193 00:11:45,126 --> 00:11:46,906 Go ye to the feast of Capulets. 194 00:11:46,906 --> 00:11:51,276 There sups the fair Rosalind whom thou so lovest with all the admired beauties of Verona. 195 00:11:51,276 --> 00:11:55,276 Go thither, and compare her face with some that I shall show, oh baby 196 00:11:55,291 --> 00:11:58,831 And I shall make thee think thy swan a crow. 197 00:11:58,831 --> 00:12:04,121 I'll go along! No such sight to be shown, but to rejoice in splendor of mine own. 198 00:12:06,620 --> 00:12:08,840 And, so much for Act 1 199 00:12:17,469 --> 00:12:18,549 It wasn't that good. 200 00:12:19,177 --> 00:12:23,947 Now to the feast of Capulet, where Romeo is doomed to meet his Juliet 201 00:12:23,947 --> 00:12:29,527 And where, in a scene of timeless romance, he'll try to get into Juliet's pants. 202 00:12:34,647 --> 00:12:40,097 Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright. Did my heart love 'till now? 203 00:12:40,097 --> 00:12:43,887 Forswear it, sight. For I ne'er saw true beauty 'till this night. 204 00:12:43,887 --> 00:12:47,817 If I profane with my unworthiest hand, this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: 205 00:12:47,817 --> 00:12:53,227 My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss 206 00:12:53,227 --> 00:12:56,907 Oh, good pilgrim you do wrung your hands too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this. 207 00:12:56,913 --> 00:13:01,063 For saints have hands that pilgims' hands do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss. 208 00:13:01,063 --> 00:13:02,713 Have not saints lips and holy palmers too? 209 00:13:02,713 --> 00:13:04,293 Ay, pilgrim. Lips they must use in prayer. 210 00:13:04,293 --> 00:13:06,493 Oh then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do 211 00:13:06,493 --> 00:13:08,333 Saints do not move, though grant for prayer's sake. 212 00:13:08,333 --> 00:13:09,793 Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take. 213 00:13:09,793 --> 00:13:12,513 Then from my lips the sin that they have took. 214 00:13:12,513 --> 00:13:15,263 Oh, sin from my lips? Trespass, sweetly urged. Give me my sin again! 215 00:13:15,263 --> 00:13:17,773 - Look, I don't wanna kiss you, man. - Look, it's on the script. 216 00:13:17,777 --> 00:13:19,567 I don't care, God, I just... 217 00:13:30,099 --> 00:13:32,339 Um, you kiss by the book 218 00:13:32,339 --> 00:13:37,379 - Oh, coming Mother... - Is she a Capulet? 219 00:13:37,379 --> 00:13:40,139 Ay, so I fear. The more is my unrest. 220 00:13:40,139 --> 00:13:41,699 Just pretend you're not there. 221 00:13:43,079 --> 00:13:44,439 What are you doing? 222 00:13:45,477 --> 00:13:46,587 The balcony scene. 223 00:13:46,587 --> 00:13:51,024 Oh. Um. But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? 224 00:13:51,024 --> 00:13:53,054 Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? 225 00:13:53,054 --> 00:13:56,704 Deny thy father and refuse thy name or if thou wilt not be but sworn my love 226 00:13:56,704 --> 00:13:58,944 And I'll no longer be a Capulet. [Snort.] 227 00:14:00,547 --> 00:14:05,337 Okay, what's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name could still smell 228 00:14:05,337 --> 00:14:10,807 So Romeo, what, oh, Romeo doth thy name, and for thy name which is no part of thee take all my self 229 00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:11,779 Okay, there is 230 00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:16,153 I take thee at thy word. Call me but love, and I shall be new baptized 231 00:14:16,153 --> 00:14:18,453 Henceforth I shall never be Romeo 232 00:14:18,453 --> 00:14:21,893 But men art thou. Art thou not Romeo, and a Montague? 233 00:14:21,893 --> 00:14:25,203 - Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike. - Dost thou love me, then? 234 00:14:25,203 --> 00:14:30,223 I know thou wilt say I and I will take thy word, yet if thou swearest thou may as prove false 235 00:14:30,223 --> 00:14:33,833 Oh, Romeo, if thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully 236 00:14:33,833 --> 00:14:37,263 - Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear - Swear not by the moon! 237 00:14:43,266 --> 00:14:45,486 What shall I swear by, then? 238 00:14:45,486 --> 00:14:48,516 I don't know. Not the moon. How 'bout her? 239 00:14:48,516 --> 00:14:52,206 - Swear by her - Lady, by yonder blessed virgin, I swear 240 00:14:55,215 --> 00:14:56,865 I don't think so. No. 241 00:14:59,641 --> 00:15:03,821 No, no, do not swear at all, though I joy in thee, I have no joy in this contract tonight 242 00:15:03,821 --> 00:15:07,301 It is too rash, too sudden, too inadvised; too like the lightning 243 00:15:07,301 --> 00:15:10,155 Which doth cease to be 'ere one can say it lightens 244 00:15:10,155 --> 00:15:13,015 - Oh, Romeo - Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? 245 00:15:13,015 --> 00:15:17,285 - What satisfaction canst thou have? - The exchange of thy most faithful vows for mine 246 00:15:17,285 --> 00:15:19,615 Oh, I did give it thee before thou didst request it 247 00:15:19,615 --> 00:15:22,235 Three words, gentle Romeo, and then good night indeed 248 00:15:22,235 --> 00:15:27,665 If that thy bent of love be honorable, thy purpose marriage, Send Word Tomorrow. One, Two, Three. 249 00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:31,115 Good night, good night, parting is such sweet sorrow 250 00:15:31,702 --> 00:15:32,802 Bye-bye. 251 00:15:41,986 --> 00:15:44,686 Sleep well in thine eyes, peace in thy breasts 252 00:15:44,686 --> 00:15:48,146 Oh, that I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest 253 00:15:56,261 --> 00:16:00,821 Lo, Romeo did swoon with love. By Cupid, he'd been crippled 254 00:16:01,738 --> 00:16:06,988 But Juliet had a loathsome curse, whose loathsome name was Tybalt 255 00:16:07,470 --> 00:16:11,080 Romeo! The love I bear thee can afford no better trim than this: thou art a villain 256 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,730 Therefore turn and draw! 257 00:16:12,730 --> 00:16:15,740 Tybalt, I do protest! I never injured thee, but love thee, better than thou give 258 00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:17,840 Oh, thou wretched boy, I aim for you! 259 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:19,100 Oh, I am slain. 260 00:16:37,408 --> 00:16:41,588 Moving right along. From Tybalt's death onward 261 00:16:41,588 --> 00:16:45,108 The lovers are cursed. Despite the best efforts of the friar and nurse 262 00:16:45,108 --> 00:16:48,078 Their fate persues them; they can't seem to duck it 263 00:16:50,274 --> 00:16:53,454 And at the end of Act 5, they both kick the bucket 264 00:16:56,307 --> 00:17:01,057 Gallop a pace, you firey-footed steeds! And bring in cloudy night immediately. 265 00:17:01,057 --> 00:17:04,647 Come, night, come civil night, come Romeo, thou day and night 266 00:17:04,647 --> 00:17:08,877 Come gentle night, come loving black proud night Oh, night, night, night, night 267 00:17:09,967 --> 00:17:11,727 Come, come, come, come, come 268 00:17:15,481 --> 00:17:17,631 I didn't write it! 269 00:17:18,491 --> 00:17:19,781 And bring me my Romeo! 270 00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:23,007 Tuck your boobies in. 271 00:17:26,901 --> 00:17:28,341 Oh, can heaven be so envious! 272 00:17:28,341 --> 00:17:30,981 Oh, Romeo, Romeo, who would have thought it, Romeo? 273 00:17:30,981 --> 00:17:34,361 What devil art thou to torment me, thus? It's actually rude to torment me 274 00:17:35,456 --> 00:17:37,306 Is Romeo gone and Tybalt slain? 275 00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:40,266 No, Juliet, Tybalt is gone, and Romeo is banished 276 00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:42,738 Romeo, who killed Tybalt, he is banished 277 00:17:42,738 --> 00:17:46,738 Oh, God. Did Romeo's hand shed Tybalt's blood? 278 00:17:46,738 --> 00:17:49,148 It did, it did, alas the day, it did 279 00:17:58,248 --> 00:17:59,228 Thank you so much. 280 00:17:59,228 --> 00:18:00,268 Now Romeo lives 281 00:18:04,271 --> 00:18:06,891 Now Romeo lives who Tybalt would have slain, and Tybalt is dead 282 00:18:06,891 --> 00:18:09,361 He that would have killed my husband 283 00:18:09,361 --> 00:18:10,701 Oh, friar Laurence! 284 00:18:10,701 --> 00:18:15,511 Juliet, I already know thy grief. Take now this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou of 285 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:18,501 And presently through all thy veins, shall run a cold and drowsy humor 286 00:18:18,501 --> 00:18:21,621 Oh, I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins, Obi Wan 287 00:18:47,239 --> 00:18:48,819 Just say no! 288 00:18:53,795 --> 00:18:55,915 Oh, no! 289 00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:13,757 Oh my love, my wife, death that has set the honey of thy breath hath no power yet upon thy beauty 290 00:19:13,757 --> 00:19:16,067 - Why art thou yet so fair? - I don't know 291 00:19:17,526 --> 00:19:20,256 Shall I believe that unsubstantial death is amorous? 292 00:19:20,256 --> 00:19:22,326 To keep me here in the dark, to be his paramour? 293 00:19:23,016 --> 00:19:24,966 Here's to my love. 294 00:19:24,966 --> 00:19:28,306 Oh, true apothecary, thy drugs are quick 295 00:19:28,306 --> 00:19:31,496 Thus with a kiss, I die 296 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,188 Thus, with a kiss... 297 00:19:47,609 --> 00:19:51,449 Get over it... I die. 298 00:19:55,499 --> 00:19:58,279 Good morning! Where, oh, where is my love? 299 00:19:59,741 --> 00:20:03,701 What's this? Poison, I see, hath been my true love's timeless end 300 00:20:03,701 --> 00:20:07,701 Oh, churl, drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after 301 00:20:08,491 --> 00:20:11,671 Then I'll be brief. Happy dagger this is thy sheath! 302 00:20:16,530 --> 00:20:18,770 That's Romeo for ya' 303 00:20:43,950 --> 00:20:45,830 Oh, my head! 304 00:20:47,591 --> 00:20:49,691 Oh, my brain! 305 00:20:52,955 --> 00:20:56,735 There rust, and let me die! 306 00:20:56,735 --> 00:21:04,295 Epilogue: A glooming peace, this morning with it brings, the sun, for sorrow, will not show its head 307 00:21:04,295 --> 00:21:10,865 Go forth, to have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned, and some, punished 308 00:21:10,865 --> 00:21:18,255 For never was it there a story of more woah than this of Juliet and her Romeo 309 00:21:18,255 --> 00:21:25,385 And Romeo and Juliet are dead! 310 00:21:46,662 --> 00:21:50,612 Ladies and gentlemen, in preparing this unprecedented complete works show 311 00:21:50,612 --> 00:21:56,972 We've encountered the difficulty of trying to make these four-hundred year old plays accessible to a modern audience 312 00:21:56,972 --> 00:22:00,952 Now, one popular trend is to transpose Shakespeare's tales into modern settings 313 00:22:00,952 --> 00:22:03,852 And we've seen evidence of this with productions of Shakespeare's plays 314 00:22:03,852 --> 00:22:10,392 Set in such unusual locations as the lunar landscape, Nazi prisoner of war camps, and even Vancouver 315 00:22:10,392 --> 00:22:18,102 Now - God bless you - in this vein, Austin has traced the roots of Shakespeare's symbolism 316 00:22:18,102 --> 00:22:21,742 In the context of a pre-Nietzschian society 317 00:22:21,742 --> 00:22:26,212 Through the totality of a jejune circular relationship of form 318 00:22:26,212 --> 00:22:29,182 Contrasted with the complete otherness of metaphysical cosmologies 319 00:22:29,182 --> 00:22:33,822 And the ethical mores entrenched in the collective subconscious of an agrarian race 320 00:22:33,822 --> 00:22:38,452 So, we now present Shakespeare's first tragedy, Titus Andronicus, as a cooking program 321 00:22:41,583 --> 00:22:43,503 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen 322 00:22:43,503 --> 00:22:45,993 Good evening, gourmets 323 00:22:45,993 --> 00:22:50,063 And welcome to Roman Meals. I'm your host, Titus Andronicus. Now look 324 00:22:50,063 --> 00:22:53,513 When you've had a long day, your left hand chopped off 325 00:22:54,222 --> 00:22:57,422 Your sons murdered, your daughter raped 326 00:22:57,422 --> 00:23:00,012 Her tongue cut out, both her hands chopped off 327 00:23:01,217 --> 00:23:04,387 Well, the last thing you wanna do is cook, you know what I mean? 328 00:23:04,387 --> 00:23:09,377 Unless of course, you cook the rapist and serve him to his mother at the dinner party 329 00:23:10,273 --> 00:23:13,793 My daughter, Lavinia, and I will show you how! Good evening Lavinia! 330 00:23:20,307 --> 00:23:22,507 And how are we feeling today? 331 00:23:22,507 --> 00:23:25,177 Not so good, I got my tongue chopped out. 332 00:23:26,401 --> 00:23:28,601 I know, it's a pisser, isn't it? 333 00:23:28,601 --> 00:23:30,281 But we'll have our revenge, won't we? 334 00:23:30,281 --> 00:23:34,671 Now, hark villain, I will grind your bones to dust, and of your blood in it I'll make a paste 335 00:23:34,671 --> 00:23:39,031 and of that paste a coffin I will rear, and make a pasty of your shameful head 336 00:23:39,226 --> 00:23:41,446 - Come, Lavinia, receive the blood - Okey-dokey 337 00:23:41,446 --> 00:23:46,056 Now first thing you wanna do is make a nice clean incision from the carotid artery to the jugular vein 338 00:23:46,056 --> 00:23:49,526 - Like so - Oh, that's gross 339 00:23:49,526 --> 00:23:51,706 Yeah. Now, be sure to use a big bowl 340 00:23:51,706 --> 00:23:54,106 Because the human body's got about four quarts of blood in it 341 00:23:54,106 --> 00:23:57,306 And you don't wanna miss a single drop; forget about it 342 00:23:57,656 --> 00:24:01,656 Now, whenever he's dead, which should be, now 343 00:24:01,656 --> 00:24:04,466 I will grind his bones into powder small, 344 00:24:04,466 --> 00:24:09,446 And with this hateful liquor temperate, and in that paste let his vile head be baked 345 00:24:09,447 --> 00:24:11,477 At about 350 degrees. 346 00:24:11,477 --> 00:24:17,377 And 40 minutes later, you have the most delicious human-head-pie, fit to serve a king 347 00:24:17,377 --> 00:24:20,427 With some lovely lady fingers for desert 348 00:24:21,254 --> 00:24:24,674 Now, who will be the first to try this delicious taste treat? 349 00:24:24,674 --> 00:24:29,244 Welcome gracious lord, welcome great queen, will please you eat, will please you feed? 350 00:24:29,244 --> 00:24:31,694 C'mon, it's finger-licking good! 351 00:24:33,170 --> 00:24:35,180 Good one, man, high-five! 352 00:24:38,525 --> 00:24:41,505 Well, that's about all the time we have, thanks so much for tuning in 353 00:24:41,505 --> 00:24:43,725 And do join us next week, when our very special guest chef 354 00:24:43,725 --> 00:24:48,415 Timon of Athens will make a lovely ratatouille out of the Merry Wives of Windsor 355 00:24:48,415 --> 00:24:52,415 And until then, BONE-Appetite! Thank you very much! 356 00:24:58,810 --> 00:25:01,990 I hope no one was too offended by Titus Andronicus 357 00:25:01,990 --> 00:25:06,060 Shakespeare as a young writer seems to have gone through a brief Quentin Tarantino phase 358 00:25:06,060 --> 00:25:10,980 But, we shall now move on to explore the genius evident in Shakespeare's more mature work 359 00:25:10,980 --> 00:25:16,240 As we present his dark and brooding tragedy, Othello, the Moor of Venice 360 00:25:25,746 --> 00:25:31,526 Speak of me as I am, nothing extenuate, one who loved not wisely, but too well 361 00:25:31,526 --> 00:25:36,816 For never was there a story of more woe than this of Othello and his Desdemona 362 00:25:37,667 --> 00:25:39,367 Ah, Dese! 363 00:25:43,366 --> 00:25:45,616 Bob, could we have some lights, please? 364 00:25:45,616 --> 00:25:49,156 Uh, we left Adam on his own to research this play 365 00:25:50,009 --> 00:25:53,279 Uh, apparently he looked up 'moor' in the dictionary 366 00:25:53,279 --> 00:25:55,669 and thought it was a place where you tie up boats 367 00:25:55,669 --> 00:25:59,289 - That's what it told me - Which obviously in this context is obviously totally ridiculous 368 00:25:59,289 --> 00:26:04,949 Because, in the 16th century, the word 'moor' referred to a black person 369 00:26:09,897 --> 00:26:11,707 I feel like such a dork 370 00:26:11,707 --> 00:26:13,957 Yeah, well, go with the feeling 371 00:26:13,957 --> 00:26:19,117 Look, ladies and gentlemen, we obviously have some difficulty in even performing Othello 372 00:26:19,117 --> 00:26:21,577 because, as you know, the part is written for a black actor 373 00:26:21,577 --> 00:26:24,977 - And we are - I guess you might say that we're, uh, racially challenged 374 00:26:24,977 --> 00:26:29,447 Exactly, so the bottom line is we're not going to be able to perform Othello for you tonight, I'm very sorry about it 375 00:26:29,447 --> 00:26:33,077 No, no, Austin, Austin, we can do it, we can do it. I've got an idea that's totally boatless 376 00:26:33,077 --> 00:26:37,797 If we just, aham, If we just get like a rhythm going, y'know? 377 00:26:37,797 --> 00:26:39,157 Like a 378 00:26:39,163 --> 00:26:43,533 Like a: "Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello" 379 00:26:43,533 --> 00:26:46,803 "He liked white women, and he liked... green jello" 380 00:26:46,803 --> 00:26:50,313 Oh yeah, yeah And a punk named Iago 381 00:26:50,313 --> 00:26:52,673 Who made himself a menace, 'cause he didn't like Othello 382 00:26:52,673 --> 00:26:56,523 The moor of Venice And Othello got married to Desdemona 383 00:26:56,523 --> 00:26:58,873 He took her for the wars, and left her alone-a 384 00:26:58,873 --> 00:27:01,563 He was a moan-a, a groan-a, he left her alone-a 385 00:27:01,563 --> 00:27:04,243 He didn't write a letter, and he didn't telephon'er 386 00:27:06,583 --> 00:27:09,063 Desdemona she was faithful, she was chastity-tight 387 00:27:09,063 --> 00:27:11,593 She was the daughter of a Duke, yeah, she was totally white 388 00:27:11,593 --> 00:27:13,963 And Iago loved Dese like Adonis loved Venus 389 00:27:13,963 --> 00:27:17,093 And Dese loved Othello 'cause he had a big... SWORD 390 00:27:18,683 --> 00:27:20,553 Iago, he said, "I'm gonna shaft the Moor" 391 00:27:20,553 --> 00:27:21,973 How you gonna do it, tell us! 392 00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:24,393 Well, I know his tragic flaw: he's too damn jealous 393 00:27:24,393 --> 00:27:29,703 I need a dupe, a dope, a kind of schmo, so he found himself a sucker by the name of Casio 394 00:27:29,703 --> 00:27:31,813 And he plants on him Desdemona's handkercheifs 395 00:27:31,813 --> 00:27:34,823 So Othello gets to wondering just maybe if 396 00:27:34,823 --> 00:27:40,023 While he been out fighting, commanding an army, are Dese and Cas playin' hide the salami? 397 00:27:40,023 --> 00:27:42,263 S-s-s-s-sala-salami! 398 00:27:44,593 --> 00:27:47,295 So he comes back home he's got a pillow in her face 399 00:27:47,295 --> 00:27:49,575 He kills her and soliloquizes about his disgrace 400 00:27:49,575 --> 00:27:52,175 But there's Amelia at the door, who we met in Act 4 401 00:27:52,175 --> 00:27:54,775 Who say, "You big dummy, she weren't no whore!" 402 00:27:54,775 --> 00:27:57,345 She was pure, she was clean, she was virginal, too 403 00:27:57,345 --> 00:27:59,945 So why'd you have to go, and make her face turn blue?" 404 00:27:59,945 --> 00:28:01,395 It's true! It's you! 405 00:28:01,395 --> 00:28:05,115 Now what'chu gonna do? And Othello say, "Damn, this is getting pretty scary" 406 00:28:05,115 --> 00:28:07,805 Pull out his blade, and committed Hari-Kari 407 00:28:07,805 --> 00:28:11,005 Do that funky Moor-thing, white boy! 408 00:28:11,005 --> 00:28:15,135 - That is so hot, man - Iago got caught, but he probably copped a plea 409 00:28:15,135 --> 00:28:17,725 Lured up his bags and moved to Beverly 410 00:28:18,704 --> 00:28:22,044 Hills, that is. Whoo! 411 00:28:37,829 --> 00:28:42,359 Hey guys, uh, let's lighten up from all the heavy tragedy, and do some of the comedies for a while 412 00:28:42,359 --> 00:28:44,539 - Word. Let's totally - Okay, okay 413 00:28:44,539 --> 00:28:47,149 When it came to comedies, Shakespeare was a genius 414 00:28:47,149 --> 00:28:51,399 At borrowing and adapting plot devices from different theatrical traditions 415 00:28:51,399 --> 00:28:55,129 This influences include the Roman plays of Plautus and Terence 416 00:28:55,129 --> 00:28:58,319 Ovid's "Metamorphoses", which are hysterically funny. 417 00:29:00,221 --> 00:29:03,491 As well as the rich Italian tradition of commedia dell'arte 418 00:29:03,491 --> 00:29:06,031 Yeah, basically, Shakespeare stole every comedy he ever wrote 419 00:29:06,031 --> 00:29:08,571 No, no, STOLE is a really strong word distilled, maybe 420 00:29:08,571 --> 00:29:13,201 Okay he distilled the three or four funniest comic gimmicks of his time 421 00:29:13,201 --> 00:29:15,921 And then he milked them into 16 plays 422 00:29:15,921 --> 00:29:18,121 You see, basically Shakespeare was a formula writer 423 00:29:18,121 --> 00:29:22,041 Once he found a device that worked he used it over and over and over again 424 00:29:22,041 --> 00:29:24,301 So, Mr. Shakespeare, the question we have is this: 425 00:29:24,301 --> 00:29:28,471 Why did you write 16 comedies, when you could've written just one? 426 00:29:28,471 --> 00:29:33,501 Well, in answer to this question, we of the Reduced Shakespeare Company have taken the liberty of condensing 427 00:29:33,501 --> 00:29:36,541 All 16 of Shakespeare's comedies into a single play 428 00:29:36,541 --> 00:29:37,791 Which we have entitled: 429 00:29:37,791 --> 00:29:43,501 The comedy of two well-measured gentlemen lost in the Merry Wives of Venice on a Midsummer's Twelfth Night in Winter 430 00:29:44,736 --> 00:29:49,896 Or: Cymbeline Taming Pericles, the Merchant in the Tempest of Love As Much As You Like It For Nothing 431 00:29:50,461 --> 00:29:53,731 Or: Four weddings and a transvestite. 432 00:30:02,383 --> 00:30:06,433 Act I. A Spanish Duke swears an oath of celibacy 433 00:30:06,433 --> 00:30:10,603 And turns the rule of his kingdom over to his sadistic and tyrannical twin brother 434 00:30:10,603 --> 00:30:12,803 He learns some fantastical feats of magic 435 00:30:12,803 --> 00:30:14,803 And sets sail for the Golden Age of Greece 436 00:30:14,803 --> 00:30:19,243 Along with his daughters, three beautiful and virginal set of identical twins 437 00:30:19,243 --> 00:30:22,683 While rounding the heel of Italy, the Duke’s ship is caught in a terrible tempest 438 00:30:22,683 --> 00:30:25,223 Which, in its fury, casts the Duke upon a desert island 439 00:30:25,223 --> 00:30:27,923 Along with the loveliest and most virginal of his daughters 440 00:30:27,923 --> 00:30:33,113 Who stumbles into a cave, where she is molested by a creature who is either a man, or a fish, or both 441 00:30:33,996 --> 00:30:38,906 Act II. The longlost sons of the Duke's brother, also coincidentally three sets of identical twins 442 00:30:38,906 --> 00:30:41,136 Have just arrived in Italy 443 00:30:41,136 --> 00:30:48,066 Though still possessed of an inner nobility, they are ragged, destitute, penniless, flea-infested shadows of the men they once were 444 00:30:48,066 --> 00:30:51,456 And in the utmost extremity are forced to borrow money from an old Jew 445 00:30:51,456 --> 00:30:55,116 Who deceives them into putting down their brains as collateral on the loan 446 00:30:55,116 --> 00:30:58,936 Now, the six brothers fall in love with six Italian sisters 447 00:30:58,936 --> 00:31:02,846 Three of whom are contentious, sharp-tongued little shrews 448 00:31:02,846 --> 00:31:06,186 While the other three are submissive, airheaded little bimbos 449 00:31:06,499 --> 00:31:11,149 Act III. The ship wrecked, the identical daughters of the Duke wash up on the shores of Italy 450 00:31:11,149 --> 00:31:16,149 Disguise themselves as men, become pages to the shrews and matchmakers to the Duke's brother's sons 451 00:31:16,149 --> 00:31:20,209 They lead all the lovers into a nearby forest, where, on a midsummer's night, 452 00:31:20,209 --> 00:31:25,539 A bunch of mischievous fairies squeeze the aphroditic juice of a hermaphroditic flower into the shrews' eyes 453 00:31:25,539 --> 00:31:30,499 Causing them to fall in love with their own pages, who, in turn, have fallen in love with the Duke's brother's sons 454 00:31:30,499 --> 00:31:34,289 While the queen of the fairies seduces a jackass, and they all have an orgy 455 00:31:34,289 --> 00:31:35,549 Act IV. 456 00:31:35,549 --> 00:31:38,119 The elderly fathers of the Italian sisters, finding their daughters missing 457 00:31:38,119 --> 00:31:41,449 Dispatch messages to the pages telling them to kill any man in the vicinity 458 00:31:41,449 --> 00:31:45,739 However, unable to find men in the forest, the faithful messengers, in a final misguided act of loyalty 459 00:31:45,739 --> 00:31:48,419 Deliver the messages to each other and kill themselves 460 00:31:48,419 --> 00:31:52,339 Meanwhile, the fish creature and the Duke arrive in the forest disguised as Russians 461 00:31:52,339 --> 00:31:56,459 And, for no apparent reason, perform a two-man underwater version of "Uncle Vanya" 462 00:31:56,459 --> 00:31:59,259 Act V. The Duke commands the fairies to right their wrongs 463 00:31:59,259 --> 00:32:01,919 The pages and the bimbos get into a knock-down, drag-out fight in the mud 464 00:32:01,919 --> 00:32:05,009 During which the pages' clothes get ripped off, revealing female genitalia 465 00:32:05,009 --> 00:32:07,029 The Duke recognizes his daughters 466 00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:11,140 The Duke's brother's sons recognize their uncle 467 00:32:11,140 --> 00:32:13,580 One of the shrews is elected Senator from New York 468 00:32:15,718 --> 00:32:17,428 And they all get married and go out to dinner 469 00:32:17,428 --> 00:32:20,018 Except for a minor character in the second act, who gets eaten by a bear 470 00:32:20,018 --> 00:32:23,568 And the Duke's brother's sons, who, unable to pay back the old Jew, give themselves lobotomies 471 00:32:23,568 --> 00:32:26,248 And they all live happily ever after Thank you! 472 00:32:38,217 --> 00:32:39,987 What we would like to do in this juncture time 473 00:32:39,987 --> 00:32:42,177 Is return quickly to the rest of Shakespeare's tragedies 474 00:32:42,177 --> 00:32:45,637 Because, basically, we found that the comedies are not as funny as the tragedies 475 00:32:46,862 --> 00:32:51,812 So, we would like to start this section of the show with Shakespeare's Scottish play, Macbeth 476 00:32:55,323 --> 00:32:58,763 Which you're really not supposed to talk about in the theatre 477 00:32:59,253 --> 00:33:00,963 Unless you are performing it 478 00:33:02,005 --> 00:33:05,375 Because it's cursed 479 00:33:08,845 --> 00:33:10,275 Uhu, very scary! 480 00:33:11,846 --> 00:33:16,256 Fortunately, our Reduced Shakespeare Company not only performs an abbreviated version of Macbeth 481 00:33:18,545 --> 00:33:24,425 But, after much thorough research, we are able to do so in perfect Scottish accents 482 00:33:28,654 --> 00:33:32,394 Double, double, toil, and trrrouble 483 00:33:32,394 --> 00:33:39,074 Stay, ye, imperrrfect (Mac)speaker. (Mac)tell me (Mac)morrre 484 00:33:39,074 --> 00:33:43,074 Macbeth... Macbeth... 485 00:33:43,074 --> 00:33:45,734 Bewarrre Macduff 486 00:33:45,734 --> 00:33:48,034 No man of woman born shall harm Macbeth 487 00:33:48,034 --> 00:33:52,164 'Till Birnam Wood come to Dunsmane, don't ye know? 488 00:33:53,056 --> 00:33:56,936 That's dead great. Then (Mac)what (Mac)need (mac)I (Mac)fear of Macduff? 489 00:33:56,936 --> 00:33:58,616 See you, Jimmy! 490 00:33:58,616 --> 00:34:03,026 And know that Macduff was from his mother's womb untimely ripped! What d'ye think about that? 491 00:34:03,026 --> 00:34:05,286 Ooh! That's bloody disgusting! 492 00:34:05,286 --> 00:34:07,256 Lay on, your great haggis-breath ye'! 493 00:34:07,256 --> 00:34:11,706 Ah, Macbeth! Ye killed my wife, ye murdered my bairns, ye did a job in my stoup 494 00:34:11,706 --> 00:34:13,386 - Rrr, I didnae - Rrr, you did! 495 00:34:14,097 --> 00:34:15,677 - Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 496 00:34:16,450 --> 00:34:18,210 I hadn't throw half of it away! 497 00:34:26,246 --> 00:34:29,776 Behold where stands the usurper's cursed head 498 00:34:29,776 --> 00:34:32,576 Ah, Macbeth! yer arse is oot the windee 499 00:34:33,471 --> 00:34:36,861 And know that never was there a story of more blood and death 500 00:34:36,861 --> 00:34:41,001 Than this of Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth Thank you! 501 00:34:49,742 --> 00:34:53,862 Meanwhile, Julius Caesar was a much beloved tyrant 502 00:34:53,862 --> 00:34:55,132 All hail Julius Caesar! 503 00:34:55,132 --> 00:34:56,242 Hail, citizens! 504 00:34:56,242 --> 00:35:00,252 - Who was warned by a soothsayer - Beware the Ides of March 505 00:35:02,207 --> 00:35:04,717 The great Caesar, however, chose to ignore the warning 506 00:35:04,717 --> 00:35:06,647 What the hell are the "Ides of March"? 507 00:35:06,647 --> 00:35:08,527 Well, that's the 15th of March 508 00:35:08,527 --> 00:35:09,467 That's today! 509 00:35:11,536 --> 00:35:12,916 Et tu, Brutus? 510 00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:16,743 Friends, Romans, countrymen! 511 00:35:16,743 --> 00:35:18,103 Lend me your ears! 512 00:35:18,103 --> 00:35:22,643 I come to bury Caeser, so let's bury him, and get on to my play, Antony... 513 00:35:22,646 --> 00:35:24,046 And Cleopatra! 514 00:35:24,046 --> 00:35:28,416 Is this an asp I see before me? Oh, I'm dying! I've been bit by a snake 515 00:35:32,804 --> 00:35:35,004 It's the venom! It's all over through my blood! 516 00:35:36,536 --> 00:35:38,306 Adam, stop it! Adam... 517 00:35:38,306 --> 00:35:40,796 Poison! Will you come down? What? 518 00:35:40,796 --> 00:35:44,166 You have this really bizarre notion that all of Shakespeare's tragedies' heroines 519 00:35:44,166 --> 00:35:48,586 Wear this really ugly wigs, and vomit on people before they die 520 00:35:48,586 --> 00:35:50,326 - It's an interpretation, man! - No! 521 00:35:51,721 --> 00:35:53,691 Barfing on people is not an interpretation! 522 00:35:53,691 --> 00:35:55,431 Just get up here! 523 00:35:55,431 --> 00:35:56,781 He was into it! 524 00:36:00,437 --> 00:36:04,437 Antony and Cleopatra is not some Alka-Seltzer commercial 525 00:36:04,437 --> 00:36:09,007 It's a romantic thriller about a geopolitical power struggle between Egypt and Rome 526 00:36:11,678 --> 00:36:13,948 Oh, yeah! Like you knew! You like all laughing... 527 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:17,330 I'm sorry! I apologize! I apologize, you know? 528 00:36:17,330 --> 00:36:21,000 If I had known this was Shakespeare's geopolitical play, I wouldn't have screwed around with it 529 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,660 because my favorite plays are his geopolitical plays 530 00:36:23,660 --> 00:36:27,000 - Really, really? - No, seriously, they're intense, man, like, um... 531 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:30,170 What was that one he wrote about nuclear energy in the former Soviet Union? 532 00:36:30,740 --> 00:36:35,590 It was way ahead of its time. It was a metaphor... wrapped in an allegory 533 00:36:35,590 --> 00:36:40,770 It was totally intense, man. It was called "Chernobyl Kinsmen," and it was all about this... 534 00:36:40,770 --> 00:36:45,000 Adam, Adam, Shakespeare wrote a play called "Two Noble Kinsmen" 535 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:48,770 Not "Chernobyl Kinsmen"! "Two Noble Kinsmen"! 536 00:36:48,770 --> 00:36:50,140 - "Cher..." - "Two" 537 00:36:50,140 --> 00:36:51,950 - There was definitely a "Cher"! - "Two"! "Two"! 538 00:36:51,950 --> 00:36:56,360 - "Two... Noble Kinsmen"! - "Cher...", "Cher...", "Cherno..." 539 00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:58,420 What's "Two Noble Kinsmen" about? 540 00:36:58,420 --> 00:37:00,600 "Two Noble Kinsmen" is about a girl who goes insane with the fear 541 00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:03,630 That her boyfriend is going to be eaten by wolves, and her father, hanged 542 00:37:05,740 --> 00:37:08,460 - And is Boris Yeltsin in it? - No, NO!!! 543 00:37:08,460 --> 00:37:10,860 I never heard of that play before, I'm sorry... 544 00:37:10,860 --> 00:37:13,880 Actually once... Oh, wait a second... 545 00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:16,230 I should explain to these guys 546 00:37:16,230 --> 00:37:18,560 I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, my bad! Listen! 547 00:37:19,151 --> 00:37:22,831 "Two Noble Kinsmen" actually falls in the category of Shakespeare's plays 548 00:37:22,831 --> 00:37:25,531 That we scholars refer to as "the apocrypha" 549 00:37:25,531 --> 00:37:29,081 Um, or in some literary circles "the obscure plays" 550 00:37:29,081 --> 00:37:31,411 Um, and sometimes "the lesser plays" 551 00:37:31,411 --> 00:37:34,071 And, um, and often quite simply "the bad plays" 552 00:37:34,071 --> 00:37:38,121 But, but the part is not all of "the apocrypha" are entirely without merit 553 00:37:38,121 --> 00:37:41,811 In fact, one of them, "Troilus and Cressida", is hardly crap at all 554 00:37:41,811 --> 00:37:46,521 In fact, I discussed "Troilus and Cressida" at some lenght in my new soon-to-be-released book 555 00:37:46,521 --> 00:37:49,801 about Shakespeare entitled "I love my Willy" 556 00:37:52,173 --> 00:37:54,643 Which I’d like to whip out for you now, if I could... 557 00:37:56,161 --> 00:38:00,021 What? What? No. No, it's my book 558 00:38:02,659 --> 00:38:04,449 Anyway, I was thinking what we could do 559 00:38:04,449 --> 00:38:08,239 Is a quick, sort of improvised version of Troilus and Cressida based on this chapter 560 00:38:08,239 --> 00:38:11,519 Yeah, we could do an interpretive dance, performance art version! 561 00:38:11,519 --> 00:38:14,649 Performance art, I love performance art It's so... pretentious! 562 00:38:16,287 --> 00:38:19,427 We could do a piece that uses the text of Troilus and Cressida 563 00:38:19,427 --> 00:38:22,677 As like a jumping-off point to explore deeper themes, you know? 564 00:38:22,677 --> 00:38:26,967 Like the transient nature of life, and the mythology involved in the arising and dissipation of forms 565 00:38:26,967 --> 00:38:28,047 Yeah, get some props! 566 00:38:29,175 --> 00:38:32,355 Wait, I was thinking we could do just a very straightforward scholarly approach 567 00:38:34,051 --> 00:38:35,926 - No, screw that! - Let's go ahead! 568 00:38:35,926 --> 00:38:38,216 All right, okay. Let's start. Um, Troilus and Cressida 569 00:38:38,216 --> 00:38:43,376 Was written in 1603, published in 1604 And is in the "First Folio" 570 00:38:43,376 --> 00:38:47,566 Although that version is some 166 lines longer than the version which appears in the "Second Folio" 571 00:38:47,566 --> 00:38:52,416 Which is about 166 lines shorter than the version which appears in the "First Folio" 572 00:38:52,416 --> 00:38:58,096 Now, they describe the play in the "First Folio" as a "history", but later became known as a "comedy" 573 00:38:58,096 --> 00:39:01,566 And it's now known... 574 00:39:19,890 --> 00:39:22,970 No, get rid with it! Get that out of here! 575 00:39:22,970 --> 00:39:26,790 Get that out of here! What the hell are you.. Get rid of it! Just go! 576 00:39:27,750 --> 00:39:32,410 Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait! 577 00:39:32,410 --> 00:39:34,810 Get a life, ladies and gentlemen! 578 00:39:34,810 --> 00:39:37,740 My book has nothing to do with Godzilla! 579 00:39:37,740 --> 00:39:40,440 Awesome, that's great! But there is anything in the book about the plot? 580 00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:43,360 Of course I cover the plot! What sort of scholar do you think I am? 581 00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:46,920 I cover the plot in-depth in the footnote here on page 7, all right? 582 00:39:47,721 --> 00:39:50,811 All right, look! "Troilus, youngest son of Priam, King of Troy" 583 00:39:50,811 --> 00:39:52,821 Okay, you'll be Troilus, he'll be the King of Troy 584 00:39:52,821 --> 00:39:54,851 All right! "loves Cressida" 585 00:39:55,803 --> 00:39:57,563 - I'll get the wig! - All right, great! 586 00:39:58,787 --> 00:40:01,217 And has arranged with her uncle Pandarus for a meeting 587 00:40:01,217 --> 00:40:03,397 - Although she feigns indifference - Oh, wait a minute... 588 00:40:03,397 --> 00:40:07,597 She is attracted to him. Meanwhile, Agamemnon, the Greek commander, has surrounded... 589 00:40:07,597 --> 00:40:10,537 Kids hate to study it at school because it’s so boring 590 00:40:10,537 --> 00:40:13,837 C'mon, as soon as you said "Agamemnon", I was asleep, man! 591 00:40:13,837 --> 00:40:22,077 I'm sorry, but we came here to London, I told these guys, I said, "I will not do dry, boring, vomitless Shakespeare" 592 00:40:22,807 --> 00:40:26,107 No, that just turns you off. That's what happened to me when I was a kid in school 593 00:40:26,107 --> 00:40:27,817 And we were supposed to be studying Shakespeare 594 00:40:27,817 --> 00:40:31,787 It's like I'd be boiling it out of my mind, I'd be looking out the window, and all the kids playing ball 595 00:40:31,787 --> 00:40:34,927 And I'd be sitting myself like, "why can't Shakespeare stuff be more like sports?" 596 00:40:34,927 --> 00:40:39,107 That's... that's what I've got! That's what I was thinking... 597 00:40:39,107 --> 00:40:41,257 - You like sports? - I did like sports, yes! 598 00:40:41,257 --> 00:40:42,847 And you went to High School? 599 00:40:42,847 --> 00:40:45,847 - Yes, in a matter of fact, I did - Okay, well, whatever... 600 00:40:45,847 --> 00:40:48,747 Because, check it out, sports are visceral, you know? They are engaging 601 00:40:48,747 --> 00:40:51,507 It's like, um, you know, if you look at Shakespeare's histories 602 00:40:51,507 --> 00:40:54,607 In the histories, the valorous kings They are killing each other off 603 00:40:54,607 --> 00:40:57,297 They are passing the throne from one generation to the next 604 00:40:57,297 --> 00:41:01,837 It's exactly like American Football Only with a dude with a crown 605 00:41:01,837 --> 00:41:03,947 You know what? They are kind of similar 606 00:41:09,367 --> 00:41:13,607 25, 42, Richard III, Henry VI part I, II, III, hike! 607 00:41:13,607 --> 00:41:17,227 And the crown is snapped to Richard II, that well spoken 14th century monarch 608 00:41:17,227 --> 00:41:21,307 He’s fading back to pass, looking for an heir downfield, but there’s a heavy rush from King John 609 00:41:21,307 --> 00:41:23,357 My gross flesh sinks downwards! 610 00:41:23,357 --> 00:41:25,397 The crown is in the air, and Henry VI comes up with it! 611 00:41:25,397 --> 00:41:26,577 Victory is mine! 612 00:41:26,577 --> 00:41:31,497 But he’s immediately hit by King John. He’s cutting Henry VI into three parts 613 00:41:31,497 --> 00:41:33,637 This is going to be be the end of the War of the Roses Cycle! 614 00:41:33,637 --> 00:41:35,007 King John is in the clear 615 00:41:35,007 --> 00:41:37,137 - My soul hath elbow room - He’s in the 35 yard line 616 00:41:37,137 --> 00:41:39,057 The 30, the 25, the 20 The 15, the 10... 617 00:41:39,057 --> 00:41:41,737 He is poisoned on the 1 yard line He is out of the game 618 00:41:41,737 --> 00:41:43,917 Replacing him now: number 72, King Lear 619 00:41:43,917 --> 00:41:47,307 Divide my kingdom in 3. Cordelia, you go along 620 00:41:47,307 --> 00:41:49,247 All right... Whoa, whoa, hold on! 621 00:41:49,247 --> 00:41:51,087 Looks like there is a penalty called 622 00:41:52,359 --> 00:41:55,079 Fictional character on the field, Lear is disqualified 623 00:41:57,542 --> 00:42:01,282 All right, Lining up now is that father-son team of Henry IV and Prince Hal 624 00:42:01,282 --> 00:42:04,182 Center snaps to the quarterback. Quarterback gives to the hunchback 625 00:42:04,182 --> 00:42:07,732 It looks like that limp is giving Richard III trouble again 626 00:42:07,732 --> 00:42:09,682 - A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse! - There’s a pile-up on the field 627 00:42:09,682 --> 00:42:13,542 Fumble!!! And Henry VIII comes up with it. He’s headed to the goaline 628 00:42:13,542 --> 00:42:15,642 He stops at the 5 to chop off his wife’s head 629 00:42:15,642 --> 00:42:16,872 Who’s your daddy? 630 00:42:16,872 --> 00:42:19,312 Touchdown for the Red Rose! Oh my! 631 00:42:19,312 --> 00:42:22,672 You gotta believe this is the beginning of a Tudor dynasty! 632 00:42:22,672 --> 00:42:26,202 Henry V, Richard III. Fellows are dark, and trousers, dirty 633 00:42:26,202 --> 00:42:28,032 Go Fergie! 634 00:42:37,945 --> 00:42:41,355 Can I just... can I borrow your program? I'll give it right back, I promise 635 00:42:41,355 --> 00:42:43,245 - I just wanne check the list of plays - What are you doing? 636 00:42:43,245 --> 00:42:45,845 I just wanna look at the list of plays 'Cause I think we might've don'em all already 637 00:42:45,845 --> 00:42:48,155 - Really? - Sure, because we just did all the histories, right? 638 00:42:48,155 --> 00:42:49,485 Yeah, and we did all the comedies all together 639 00:42:49,485 --> 00:42:51,375 Oh good, that just leaves the tragedies 640 00:42:51,375 --> 00:42:53,035 Um, Titus Andronicus I did with all the blood 641 00:42:53,035 --> 00:42:56,075 Romeo and Juliet, Julius Caesar, Troilus and Cressida 642 00:42:56,075 --> 00:42:59,175 - Othello was a rap, King Lear was in the football game - Maybe we will let you guys out early tonight 643 00:42:59,175 --> 00:43:02,375 Um, Macbeth, the Scottish play! Yeah! 644 00:43:02,375 --> 00:43:04,265 - Wait, wait. Antony and Cleopatra? - We did it! 645 00:43:04,265 --> 00:43:07,655 We did it totally! I threw up on that guy in the hat! 646 00:43:07,655 --> 00:43:11,665 Right, that's right! Timon of Athens I mentioned 647 00:43:11,665 --> 00:43:14,775 - Coriolanus? - Oh, just... let's just skip it! 648 00:43:14,775 --> 00:43:17,475 Why? What... What's the matter with Coriolanus? 649 00:43:18,844 --> 00:43:21,134 I don't like the "anus" part. I just think... 650 00:43:21,134 --> 00:43:23,864 No, I think it's offensive. We have some young children 651 00:43:23,864 --> 00:43:30,804 It's not a clever word... (I'm 13)... I don't care if you're 20! I don't wanna hear you using language like that, young man! 652 00:43:30,804 --> 00:43:33,464 Is this your mommy? 653 00:43:38,557 --> 00:43:40,617 Don't give me the evil eye! 654 00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:44,339 Now I know why some animals eat their young. You know, I swear to God 655 00:43:48,096 --> 00:43:52,096 I think that kid could kick your ass, so just leave him alone 656 00:43:52,096 --> 00:43:54,506 But I think you are right, we are all... 657 00:43:55,376 --> 00:43:57,586 No, no, no, NO! Look here! 658 00:43:58,892 --> 00:44:00,482 Oh no! 659 00:44:01,748 --> 00:44:03,108 Hamlet! 660 00:44:03,507 --> 00:44:05,007 How... how did we forget Hamlet? 661 00:44:05,007 --> 00:44:06,837 Shakespeare didn't write Hamlet, did he? 662 00:44:06,837 --> 00:44:08,317 - Yes, he did! - Of course he did! 663 00:44:09,211 --> 00:44:10,191 He didn't! 664 00:44:12,403 --> 00:44:13,983 It's a Mel Gibson movie! 665 00:44:13,983 --> 00:44:15,953 It's based on the play, anyway... 666 00:44:15,953 --> 00:44:19,953 Well, 36 down, just 1 to go. Perhaps the Bard's greatest play, a play of... 667 00:44:19,953 --> 00:44:22,743 I'm sorry, I really don't feel up for it tonight 668 00:44:22,743 --> 00:44:24,033 I don't... I don't... 669 00:44:24,033 --> 00:44:28,813 Hamlet is a very big play, it's got a lot of words, it's got, you know, like ideas and stuff 670 00:44:28,813 --> 00:44:30,503 But don't quit, man! 671 00:44:30,503 --> 00:44:33,393 It's just that football game left me really emotionally and phisically drained 672 00:44:33,393 --> 00:44:36,373 I just, you know, I don't think I could do justice to it! 673 00:44:36,373 --> 00:44:38,033 We don't have to do justice to it! 674 00:44:39,284 --> 00:44:41,295 I mean, where have you been? We just have to do it, you know! 675 00:44:42,785 --> 00:44:44,575 - The kid... - Don't worry about the kid! 676 00:44:46,435 --> 00:44:48,365 The play is called "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare" 677 00:44:48,365 --> 00:44:50,285 Well, let's just change the name of the play then... 678 00:44:50,285 --> 00:44:53,945 We call: "The Complete Works of Shakespeare... Except Hamlet" 679 00:44:53,945 --> 00:44:55,145 That's ridiculous! 680 00:44:55,145 --> 00:44:58,185 I think they will like to see Hamlet, won't you? 681 00:45:02,976 --> 00:45:06,816 This is... this is... no... Okay... look, okay... 682 00:45:06,816 --> 00:45:09,276 I you want to do it so bad, you two do it, and I'll watch 683 00:45:09,276 --> 00:45:11,396 What? That doesn't make any sense! 684 00:45:29,241 --> 00:45:31,131 Oh, shoe... look at this shoe! 685 00:45:31,131 --> 00:45:32,401 No, no, no, no.... 686 00:45:32,401 --> 00:45:34,191 I've never seen inside it before... 687 00:45:34,984 --> 00:45:37,284 - What? Is it a crime to take somebody's bag? - Yes! 688 00:45:37,284 --> 00:45:39,494 Oh, everything I do is wrong! 689 00:45:39,494 --> 00:45:41,524 - What is the matter with you? - Why don't you take away my birthday? 690 00:45:41,524 --> 00:45:45,214 - What? - It just sucks! This show sucks! 691 00:45:46,144 --> 00:45:49,624 All right! Are you relaxed? We are going to do Hamlet, all right? 692 00:45:49,624 --> 00:45:53,184 Okay, all right! So we will start with the Battle... 693 00:45:53,184 --> 00:45:54,664 Oh, shit! I'm sorry! 694 00:45:56,083 --> 00:45:57,743 Yeah, so there is Bernardo and Horatio 695 00:45:58,641 --> 00:46:01,471 I think it's very sensible for you to carry those by the way 696 00:46:09,508 --> 00:46:11,818 I'll kill the cameraman, I'll kill him 697 00:46:11,818 --> 00:46:13,578 I don't care, we've got 5 other cameramen, I don't care 698 00:46:34,205 --> 00:46:37,205 Austin is usually a lot faster than Adam 699 00:46:37,825 --> 00:46:40,265 I'm sure they will be back in just a minute 700 00:47:34,862 --> 00:47:43,142 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 701 00:48:42,541 --> 00:48:47,721 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 702 00:49:07,321 --> 00:49:09,881 Tell you what... let's take an intermission here 703 00:49:09,881 --> 00:49:13,351 Um, go out to the lobby, stretch your legs, have a few drinks 704 00:49:13,351 --> 00:49:16,541 We're always much more talented after you had a few drinks 705 00:49:16,541 --> 00:49:21,811 I'll need you back here in 15 minutes Austin and Adam should be back by then 706 00:49:21,811 --> 00:49:25,101 And we will proceed with Hamlet, Prince of Denmark 707 00:49:25,739 --> 00:49:27,219 I hope... 708 00:50:22,186 --> 00:50:24,666 Please, don't patronize me! 709 00:50:25,191 --> 00:50:26,891 Austin and Adam aren't back yet! 710 00:50:27,197 --> 00:50:29,647 Well, actually, Austin called in the intermission 711 00:50:29,647 --> 00:50:33,267 He said he caught Adam at the airport trying to catch a flight to Rio 712 00:50:33,267 --> 00:50:38,657 And, um, he suggested that, until they get back, I go ahead, and cover the sonnets 713 00:50:42,100 --> 00:50:45,930 Shakespeare wrote 154 sonnets 714 00:50:46,480 --> 00:50:49,560 I've reduced the meltdown onto this card 715 00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:53,560 And, um, what I was thinking we could do is pass it among the audience 716 00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:56,970 Like, um, say we start here with you ma'am, right? 717 00:50:56,970 --> 00:51:02,730 I give you the card, you take it, read it, enjoy it, passes to the person next to you 718 00:51:02,730 --> 00:51:04,000 Yeah, yeah, you! 719 00:51:04,000 --> 00:51:08,750 Yeah, and then down on the row like that, and then, if you just pass it behind you 720 00:51:08,750 --> 00:51:13,030 And then just back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, and back... 721 00:51:13,539 --> 00:51:16,859 And forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, and back 722 00:51:16,859 --> 00:51:20,769 And, by the time it gets to you, Austin and Adam should be here 723 00:51:20,769 --> 00:51:23,499 So, um, Bob, if we can have some house lights, please 724 00:51:23,499 --> 00:51:25,929 As I say, ma'am, why don't we start here with you 725 00:51:25,929 --> 00:51:29,929 Just take it, read it, enjoy it, pass it along 726 00:51:36,373 --> 00:51:39,793 Austin and Adam, ladies and gentlemen 727 00:51:49,505 --> 00:51:53,145 This is so uncool, you grabbed me You gave me a carpet burn on my arm 728 00:51:53,145 --> 00:51:54,625 You should've come here earlier 729 00:51:54,625 --> 00:51:55,965 I don't wanna do this! 730 00:51:55,965 --> 00:51:58,475 - You alright? You alright? - C'mon! C'mon! 731 00:51:58,475 --> 00:52:02,595 Here, here, blow, blow alright? 732 00:52:03,775 --> 00:52:06,115 Just take him back stage I'll start here, okay? 733 00:52:10,204 --> 00:52:14,014 Bob, um, can I get some mood lighting, please? 734 00:52:14,014 --> 00:52:16,814 To, um, to help me sort of set the scene 735 00:52:16,814 --> 00:52:23,084 For what is perhaps the greatest play ever written in the English language 736 00:52:24,196 --> 00:52:29,916 Hamlet, the tragedy of the prince of Denmark 737 00:52:29,916 --> 00:52:33,406 The place... Denmark! 738 00:52:34,277 --> 00:52:37,627 The time... a very long time ago! 739 00:52:37,627 --> 00:52:42,257 The battlements of Elsinore castle. Round about midnight. Two guards enter 740 00:52:46,315 --> 00:52:49,705 (Adam!) I don't wanna do this stupid play, leave me alone! 741 00:52:49,705 --> 00:52:52,515 - Get off! - Don't make me... 742 00:52:52,515 --> 00:52:54,375 I told you! 743 00:53:00,001 --> 00:53:02,051 - Who’s there? - Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself 744 00:53:02,051 --> 00:53:04,451 - Long live the king - Bernardo! (He!) 745 00:53:05,706 --> 00:53:07,966 ‘Tis now struck twelve Get thee to bed, Horatio 746 00:53:07,966 --> 00:53:10,006 - For this relief, much thanks - Well, good night 747 00:53:10,006 --> 00:53:13,116 Peace, break thee off Look where it comes! 748 00:53:17,997 --> 00:53:23,507 - Mark it, Horatio. It would be spoke to - What art thou? By heaven, I charge thee, speak! 749 00:53:27,470 --> 00:53:28,660 'Tis gone! 750 00:53:29,350 --> 00:53:31,400 It was about to speak when the sock crew 751 00:53:31,570 --> 00:53:33,630 Break we our watch up! 752 00:53:38,954 --> 00:53:42,674 And by my advice, let us impart what we have seen tonight unto 753 00:53:42,674 --> 00:53:44,474 Hamlet, prince of Denmark! 754 00:54:02,747 --> 00:54:06,627 O that this too, too solid flesh would melt 755 00:54:06,627 --> 00:54:08,517 Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew 756 00:54:08,517 --> 00:54:11,647 That is should come to this, but two months dead 757 00:54:12,557 --> 00:54:14,567 So loving to my mother 758 00:54:15,227 --> 00:54:17,817 Frailty, thy name is woman! 759 00:54:18,747 --> 00:54:20,337 Yeah, you! 760 00:54:21,829 --> 00:54:24,659 Married to mine uncle, my father’s brother 761 00:54:24,659 --> 00:54:28,859 The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables 762 00:54:28,859 --> 00:54:30,229 - My lord! - Horatio! 763 00:54:34,259 --> 00:54:37,009 - Methinks I see my father - Where, my lord? 764 00:54:37,009 --> 00:54:40,109 - In my mind’s eye, Horatio - My lord, I think I saw him yesternight 765 00:54:40,109 --> 00:54:41,929 - Saw who? - The king, your father! 766 00:54:43,698 --> 00:54:46,478 - The king, my father? But where was this? - Upon the platform where we watched 767 00:54:46,478 --> 00:54:48,288 ‘Tis very strange 768 00:54:50,502 --> 00:54:53,352 I will watch tonight Perchance ‘twill walk again 769 00:54:53,352 --> 00:54:57,512 All is not well, Horatio. Would the night were come 770 00:54:57,512 --> 00:54:58,742 So... 771 00:55:03,564 --> 00:55:06,264 O the wind bites shrewdly. It is very cold! 772 00:55:06,264 --> 00:55:07,824 Look, my lord, it comes! 773 00:55:07,824 --> 00:55:09,754 Angels and ministers of grace defend us 774 00:55:09,754 --> 00:55:12,414 Something is rotten in the state of Denmark 775 00:55:13,278 --> 00:55:14,568 Mark me! 776 00:55:14,568 --> 00:55:16,348 Speak. I am bound to hear! 777 00:55:16,348 --> 00:55:18,848 So art thou to revenge when thou shalt hear 778 00:55:18,848 --> 00:55:25,608 If ever thou didst thy dear father love Revenge his foul and most unnatural murderer 779 00:55:25,608 --> 00:55:27,418 - Murderer! - Murderer! 780 00:55:27,418 --> 00:55:31,378 The serpent that did sting thy father’s life now wears his crown 781 00:55:31,378 --> 00:55:33,048 - My uncle! - His uncle! 782 00:55:33,048 --> 00:55:36,668 Let not the royal bed of Denmark become a couch for incest 783 00:55:36,668 --> 00:55:38,378 - Incest! - A couch! 784 00:55:40,379 --> 00:55:46,789 Adieu, Hamlet, adieu! Remember me! 785 00:55:49,503 --> 00:55:51,113 - My lord, this is strange! 786 00:55:51,113 --> 00:55:57,033 There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy 787 00:55:57,033 --> 00:55:58,673 So piss off! 788 00:55:59,820 --> 00:56:04,640 I hereafter shall think meet to put an antic disposition on 789 00:56:04,640 --> 00:56:11,370 The time is out of joint. O cursed spite that ever I was born to exit right 790 00:56:26,477 --> 00:56:32,107 Neither a borrower nor a lender be! 791 00:56:51,376 --> 00:56:53,216 How now, Ophelia. What’s the matter? 792 00:56:53,216 --> 00:56:57,076 My lord, as I was sewing in my closet, lord Hamlet, with no hat upon his head, pale as his shirt 793 00:56:57,076 --> 00:57:00,436 His knees knocking together, and with a look So piteous in purport as if he had been loosed 794 00:57:00,436 --> 00:57:03,636 Out of hell to speak of horrors, he comes before me 795 00:57:15,744 --> 00:57:18,784 I'd keep that dress if I were you! 796 00:57:26,189 --> 00:57:27,909 - Mad for thy love? 797 00:57:32,119 --> 00:57:33,559 O my Lord, I know not! 798 00:57:33,559 --> 00:57:36,929 Why, this is the very ecstasy of love. I have found the cause of Hamlet’s lunacy 799 00:57:36,929 --> 00:57:40,249 Since brevity is the soul of wit, I will be brief: he is mad 800 00:57:45,378 --> 00:57:47,488 How does my good lord Hamlet? 801 00:57:47,488 --> 00:57:50,088 - Well, God mercy! - Do you know me, my lord? 802 00:57:50,088 --> 00:57:54,028 - Excellent well. You are a fishmonger - What do you read, my lord? 803 00:57:54,028 --> 00:57:58,128 - Word, words, words - Though this be madness, yet there’s method in’t 804 00:57:58,128 --> 00:58:01,778 Daddy, the players are here, and they said they wanna do a play-within-a-play 805 00:58:01,778 --> 00:58:04,438 So you'd better come see what they want because they won't talk... 806 00:58:11,419 --> 00:58:15,169 I am but mad north-northwest When the wind is southerly 807 00:58:15,169 --> 00:58:17,619 I know a hawk from a hawk from a handsaw 808 00:58:18,615 --> 00:58:19,645 I don't know... 809 00:58:21,459 --> 00:58:26,269 I’ll have these players play something like the murder of my father before mine uncle 810 00:58:26,269 --> 00:58:31,539 I’ll observe his looks. If he do but blench, I will know my course 811 00:58:31,803 --> 00:58:37,243 The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king! 812 00:59:12,655 --> 00:59:14,055 Shut up, please! 813 00:59:24,493 --> 00:59:25,553 Shut up! 814 00:59:36,746 --> 00:59:39,846 What part of "shut up!" don't you understand? 815 00:59:47,039 --> 00:59:49,089 To be... 816 00:59:51,953 --> 00:59:55,233 Austin, Austin, you can... turn on the lights for a second! 817 00:59:55,233 --> 00:59:57,913 Did you do the "to be or not to be" speech? 818 00:59:57,913 --> 01:00:00,093 Of course I didn't! They are laughing at me! 819 01:00:00,093 --> 01:00:03,263 - They are not laughing at you! - They were laughing with you! 820 01:00:03,263 --> 01:00:07,963 No, no! That guy right there! It was that guy right there! 821 01:00:07,963 --> 01:00:10,943 Calm down, man! He's on drugs or something... 822 01:00:11,634 --> 01:00:15,094 - (...) speech! - I know, I know, it's a, it's, it's... 823 01:00:15,094 --> 01:00:17,994 I'm sorry about this, everybody! I think Austin is really... 824 01:00:17,994 --> 01:00:23,284 You know, he takes this very seriously! I think emotionally it's maybe too much for him tonight 825 01:00:23,284 --> 01:00:25,434 I think we'll just skip the "to be or not to be" speech 826 01:00:25,434 --> 01:00:27,654 I'm sorry if anybody feels... 827 01:00:27,654 --> 01:00:32,084 - Well, that's... - You shoulda thought about that before you laughed at him 828 01:00:32,084 --> 01:00:35,594 This is the risk you take at live theatre Anything can happen, okay? 829 01:00:35,594 --> 01:00:39,014 You know, like, if this was "Miss Saigon", Maybe the helicopter wouldn't come in 830 01:00:39,774 --> 01:00:43,394 It's an overrated speech anyway, Hamlet is supposed to be thinking about killing his uncle 831 01:00:43,394 --> 01:00:46,564 And, instead, Shakespeare is like "I'm contemplating suicide", you know? 832 01:00:46,564 --> 01:00:49,034 We think it just weakens the character 833 01:00:49,034 --> 01:00:50,934 It just makes some wishy washy 834 01:00:50,934 --> 01:00:52,824 Right, so we'll skip to the play-within-a-play scene 835 01:00:52,824 --> 01:00:55,824 Yeah, pergfect, okay, yeah! What we'll do is skip to the play-within-a-play scene 836 01:00:55,824 --> 01:00:57,514 You guys do the setting I'll give Austin... 837 01:00:57,514 --> 01:00:59,234 Whoa, and the nunnery speech of Hamlet? 838 01:00:59,234 --> 01:01:01,434 Whoa, that piece of work speech, I think we should just cut it 839 01:01:01,434 --> 01:01:03,224 I don't know, it's kind of important! 840 01:01:08,517 --> 01:01:12,057 Okay, there is just this one speech that comes before the play-within-a-play scene 841 01:01:12,057 --> 01:01:14,687 That just goes: "I have of late, but wherefore I know not 842 01:01:14,687 --> 01:01:19,547 Lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercise, and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition 843 01:01:19,547 --> 01:01:23,347 That this goodly frame, the Earth, seems to me a sterile promontory 844 01:01:23,347 --> 01:01:26,757 This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament 845 01:01:26,757 --> 01:01:30,007 This majestic roof fretted with golden fire 846 01:01:30,007 --> 01:01:34,177 Why it appears to me no other than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors 847 01:01:34,177 --> 01:01:39,547 What a piece of work is man; how noble in reason, how infinite in faculty 848 01:01:39,547 --> 01:01:42,267 In form and moving how express and admirable 849 01:01:42,267 --> 01:01:45,997 In action how like an angel In apprehension how like a god 850 01:01:45,997 --> 01:01:48,477 The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals 851 01:01:48,477 --> 01:01:55,237 Yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me? 852 01:01:56,700 --> 01:02:00,120 Right, so we'll cut that speech, and go right to the killer 853 01:02:07,919 --> 01:02:10,149 Guys, what about the "get thee to a nunnery" scene? 854 01:02:10,149 --> 01:02:12,309 Let's just skip that one 855 01:02:14,418 --> 01:02:16,888 Because "get thee to a nunnery" scene is an Ophelia scene, man! 856 01:02:16,888 --> 01:02:19,618 And Ophelia is a dificult and complex character 857 01:02:19,618 --> 01:02:24,238 No, no, she's not. No, it's, Ophelia is you in a wig, you know? 858 01:02:26,247 --> 01:02:28,627 Anybody can play Ophelia, My mother could play Ophelia 859 01:02:28,627 --> 01:02:30,437 That lady right there could play Ophelia 860 01:02:31,063 --> 01:02:32,963 - Well, let's get her! - No, no... 861 01:02:38,503 --> 01:02:39,803 Thank you so much! 862 01:02:44,645 --> 01:02:46,745 We are going to perform... 863 01:02:46,745 --> 01:02:48,395 No, no, no, wait. Whatcha doin'? 864 01:02:48,395 --> 01:02:50,015 Getting that impostor out of here! 865 01:02:50,015 --> 01:02:51,275 She's not an imposter! 866 01:02:53,382 --> 01:02:55,122 You can't just throw her back, you know? 867 01:02:55,122 --> 01:02:57,422 - I'll do it! - It's too late! 868 01:02:57,422 --> 01:03:01,252 You got her up here, she's wearing this nice wig, it's gonna be fine! (It's my scene!) 869 01:03:01,252 --> 01:03:04,672 It's my scene! What am I supposed to do? I'm... I'm like... 870 01:03:04,672 --> 01:03:06,752 Just watch and learn, you know? 871 01:03:06,752 --> 01:03:09,452 I'm watching? I'm learning? Is this what I'm supposed to do? 872 01:03:09,452 --> 01:03:12,022 - You had your chance! - You come back, take that mic off! 873 01:03:12,022 --> 01:03:13,642 - No, no! - This is stupid! 874 01:03:13,642 --> 01:03:15,342 No, it will be fine! It will be great! Just watch! 875 01:03:15,342 --> 01:03:18,392 You're just gonna do the scene with your new friend, and I'm supposed to... 876 01:03:18,392 --> 01:03:21,052 - You had your chance! - We are gonna show you how simple it is, alright? 877 01:03:21,052 --> 01:03:23,602 That's fine, I don't care! I think the show sucks anyway! 878 01:03:23,602 --> 01:03:26,782 Oh, c'mon! It's not that big of a... 879 01:03:26,782 --> 01:03:28,892 Thanks for breaking up the group, Yoko! 880 01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:33,260 Bullshit! 881 01:03:34,459 --> 01:03:38,049 I'm very sorry about that! Listen, thank you very much for helping us out! 882 01:03:38,049 --> 01:03:39,389 - I'm sorry, what's your name? - Tiffany! 883 01:03:39,389 --> 01:03:40,529 - Tiffany? - Tiffany! 884 01:03:40,529 --> 01:03:42,949 That's, um, do you mind if we call you Bob? 885 01:03:42,949 --> 01:03:45,229 That's just easier for us to remember 886 01:03:45,229 --> 01:03:50,509 Um, anyway, um, the scene between Ophelia and Hamlet 887 01:03:50,509 --> 01:03:53,759 - It's a very simple scene! - It's not a simple scene! 888 01:03:53,759 --> 01:03:55,679 If you're gonna humiliate her, be honest with her! 889 01:03:55,679 --> 01:03:56,969 We are not gonna humiliate her! 890 01:03:56,969 --> 01:03:59,029 We are not humiliating anybody, you calm down! 891 01:03:59,029 --> 01:04:01,409 You calm down! (You calm down!) You calm down, man! 892 01:04:01,409 --> 01:04:04,239 You know, I'll, I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family, man! 893 01:04:05,915 --> 01:04:07,895 You take your medicine! Okay! 894 01:04:07,895 --> 01:04:09,995 - Uhhhh, get her! - Okay! 895 01:04:12,005 --> 01:04:16,085 A little bit of background: Hamlet and Ophelia have had this relationship together in the past 896 01:04:16,085 --> 01:04:20,085 Yeah, among everything that is going on with his mother, and is uncle, and his father, and... 897 01:04:20,814 --> 01:04:22,984 He doesn't wanna deal with her anymore, alright? 898 01:04:22,984 --> 01:04:25,804 He gets all worked up, and he tells her to get out of his life! 899 01:04:25,804 --> 01:04:28,784 He says to her: "get thee to a nunnery!" 900 01:04:28,784 --> 01:04:34,104 Alright, now, in our version of the scene, all that Ophelia does in response is: she screams! 901 01:04:34,104 --> 01:04:36,364 - That's not all she does! - It's all she does! 902 01:04:36,364 --> 01:04:38,314 - There is more to it than that! - No, there is not! 903 01:04:38,314 --> 01:04:41,624 Hamlet says "get thee to a nunnery!", Ophelia screams, okay? 904 01:04:41,624 --> 01:04:45,744 So, let's try that, alright? And I'll give you a cue, alright? 905 01:04:47,911 --> 01:04:49,801 - Hey, good luck! - Hay, Adam! 906 01:04:49,801 --> 01:04:52,081 I didn't touch her, she hit me with the shoulder! 907 01:04:52,081 --> 01:04:53,941 - Oh, c'mon! - She started it, man! 908 01:04:55,051 --> 01:04:57,661 She's provoking me since she came in here, that's all I'm saying! 909 01:04:57,661 --> 01:05:00,821 - Sit down! - Okay, screw over, kid! 910 01:05:05,493 --> 01:05:09,213 Okay, now are you all set? Alright, I'll give it to you, I'll, I'm sorry, let me... 911 01:05:09,213 --> 01:05:11,493 Let me just step into the character here! 912 01:05:14,843 --> 01:05:16,673 Get thee to a nunnery! 913 01:05:26,931 --> 01:05:29,431 No, please, shut up, ladies and gentlemen! 914 01:05:29,431 --> 01:05:31,911 - Hey, hey, I thought that was good! - Yeah, it was pretty good! 915 01:05:31,911 --> 01:05:36,001 No, it sucked, man! Even the frame setting sucked! 916 01:05:36,001 --> 01:05:43,441 I'm sorry I shout at you, I felt threatened 'cause they brought you up here to do my part, you are not an actress! 917 01:05:43,441 --> 01:05:47,301 - Maybe - You think so? (Maybe) 918 01:05:47,301 --> 01:05:49,151 I think not! 919 01:05:49,151 --> 01:05:55,591 No, she showed a lot of heart, a lot of courage - as Shakespeare would say, chutzpah. 920 01:05:55,591 --> 01:06:00,221 No, I think there was something lacking There was no inner life to the character 921 01:06:00,221 --> 01:06:02,701 You know, there is little depth... 922 01:06:02,701 --> 01:06:04,661 No, I know what you mean, that's actually very good note 923 01:06:04,661 --> 01:06:08,401 - 'Cause, Bob, actors use what they call subtext - Yes, or inner module 924 01:06:08,401 --> 01:06:11,591 Exactly, inner module, that's something you didn't have 925 01:06:11,591 --> 01:06:15,421 And that's why your performance was just flat 926 01:06:15,421 --> 01:06:19,441 No, but I think she showed promise, and I don't think we should let this go 927 01:06:19,441 --> 01:06:23,571 I think this is like riding a bicycle, you fall off, you get on a horse, you just keep going, man! 928 01:06:23,571 --> 01:06:28,751 In fact I think we should get everybody involved here for just a few seconds to workshop this, you know? 929 01:06:28,751 --> 01:06:34,071 Like, um, bring up the house lights I think everybody should act on what is inside, the feels in his head for Bob 930 01:06:34,071 --> 01:06:36,291 Help her understand the character like, like... 931 01:06:36,291 --> 01:06:39,531 If we divide everybody into Ophelia's Ego and Superego! 932 01:06:39,531 --> 01:06:42,811 Oh, yeah, yeah, like it's a Freudian analysis 933 01:06:42,811 --> 01:06:44,141 With an union undertone (yes, yes!) 934 01:06:44,141 --> 01:06:49,841 An Ego! We need an Ego! Let's get an Ego out there! 935 01:06:57,276 --> 01:06:59,536 So, this gentleman is gonna represent your Ego! 936 01:07:00,011 --> 01:07:02,051 Oh, this guy can play an Ego! 937 01:07:02,881 --> 01:07:06,211 Very powerful lumberjack-like Ego! 938 01:07:06,211 --> 01:07:12,281 At this point of the play, her Ego has become frightened, it's flighty, it's an Ego on the run 939 01:07:12,281 --> 01:07:18,041 To symbolize the Ego on the run, why don't we have Bob here, I'm sorry, mind if I call you Bob? 940 01:07:18,041 --> 01:07:23,351 Why don't we have Bob here symbolize the Ego on the run by running back and forth across the stage? 941 01:07:23,351 --> 01:07:26,251 Yes, yes, just go... 942 01:07:33,314 --> 01:07:35,264 Such an energy! 943 01:07:35,264 --> 01:07:37,634 We have an Egomaniac here! 944 01:07:37,634 --> 01:07:41,464 Okay, now, if you just hear her subconscious 945 01:07:41,464 --> 01:07:44,454 Why don't we have everyone on the forth here in this folding chairs 946 01:07:44,454 --> 01:07:46,424 Represent Ophelia's head for us 947 01:07:46,424 --> 01:07:49,904 Now, at this point of the play, her id is confused, is wishy washy 948 01:07:49,904 --> 01:07:52,654 It's a wash in a sea of alternatives 949 01:07:52,654 --> 01:07:55,304 Oh, that was very... (Thank you, thank you very much!) 950 01:07:59,889 --> 01:08:05,969 So, to represent this confused id, why don't we have everybody on these folding chair put both hands up your heads like this 951 01:08:07,541 --> 01:08:12,351 And we are gonna say this, we are gonna say: "maybe, maybe not" 952 01:08:12,351 --> 01:08:20,511 "Maybe, maybe not", "maybe, maybe not" "maybe, maybe not", (okay, good!) 953 01:08:20,511 --> 01:08:22,541 Save it for later, okay! 954 01:08:23,443 --> 01:08:25,753 Alright, you! third line, what's your problem? 955 01:08:26,581 --> 01:08:30,691 Everybody is doing a great "maybe, maybe not", "maybe, maybe not" 956 01:08:30,691 --> 01:08:32,481 He is like this 957 01:08:34,303 --> 01:08:36,663 Does not play well with other children! 958 01:08:37,405 --> 01:08:39,825 You know what that means, don't you, Bob? 959 01:08:39,825 --> 01:08:43,135 That means that you'll have to do it all by yourself 960 01:08:45,896 --> 01:08:48,486 C'mon, man! Get'em up! Get'em up! Great! 961 01:08:48,486 --> 01:08:51,696 And don't worry about a thing, man! 'Cause nobody is looking, alright? 962 01:08:51,696 --> 01:08:55,696 Okay, okay, let's hear him: "maybe, maybe not" 963 01:09:06,911 --> 01:09:08,711 I feel a lot of love in this room 964 01:09:08,711 --> 01:09:13,801 I don't know, maybe it's just the.. okay So we got the id, we got the Ego, we got a single misfiring greencell right here 965 01:09:13,801 --> 01:09:17,901 It's great to know, why don't we get everybody behind the seats to be the Superego? 966 01:09:17,901 --> 01:09:21,101 This is the final psychological componenet, the Superego 967 01:09:21,101 --> 01:09:24,581 It's like all the struggling voices within your head telling you what to do 968 01:09:24,581 --> 01:09:27,221 Very powerful voices that are very difficult to shake 969 01:09:27,221 --> 01:09:30,131 Some people never shake them in the whole lifetime, you know? 970 01:09:30,131 --> 01:09:32,081 So, like Catholicism or something 971 01:09:32,081 --> 01:09:37,791 So why don't we, why don't we divide the Superego into three parts to symbolize the complexity 972 01:09:37,791 --> 01:09:42,551 So if we get everyone from where Reed is indicating to my left to be Section A of the Superego 973 01:09:42,551 --> 01:09:47,361 Everybody from Reed to where Austin is indicating to be Section B of the Superego 974 01:09:47,361 --> 01:09:51,151 And everybody from Austin to my right, you're Section C 975 01:09:51,151 --> 01:09:54,461 Yeah, it's not that difficult, is it? You got the idea! 976 01:09:54,461 --> 01:09:57,701 Now, Section A, you're the masculine voice in Ophelia pyche, alright? 977 01:09:57,701 --> 01:10:01,421 You're like the voice of all men in her life that have been bossing her around 978 01:10:01,421 --> 01:10:07,211 And, um, we'll use Hamlet's line for this I'd like all of you to say "get thee to a nunnery!" 979 01:10:07,211 --> 01:10:11,041 Let's give it a try, Section A: "Get thee to a nunnery!" 980 01:10:11,041 --> 01:10:12,701 Section A, that was awful! 981 01:10:12,701 --> 01:10:19,831 Please, people, work with me on this, we wanna make it very loud, very powerful, very stiking, Section A: 982 01:10:19,831 --> 01:10:21,921 "Get thee to a nunnery!" 983 01:10:21,921 --> 01:10:24,291 Oh, yeah, that was much less totally pathetic! 984 01:10:24,291 --> 01:10:28,381 Okay, now Section B, you're the voice of Ophelia's libido, okay? 985 01:10:28,381 --> 01:10:31,341 So, this is the part of the psiche that wants to be attracted to Hamlet 986 01:10:31,341 --> 01:10:35,531 You're saying, "look, do something wth yourself", "for God sake, put some makeup or something!" 987 01:10:35,531 --> 01:10:37,971 Just, no offense... 988 01:10:38,961 --> 01:10:42,091 This is straight out of Shakesperian text, okay? 989 01:10:42,091 --> 01:10:45,461 I'd like all of you to say, "Paint an inch thick!" 990 01:10:45,461 --> 01:10:47,671 "Paint an inch thick!" 991 01:10:50,053 --> 01:10:52,903 I think Section A could learn something from Section B 992 01:10:52,903 --> 01:10:54,593 Possibly, they're small, but they're plaque 993 01:10:54,593 --> 01:11:00,153 Now finally, Section C, we saved you for last because I think waht we'll do is use Section C 994 01:11:00,153 --> 01:11:04,803 To draw this into a modern context because we wanna make Ophelia relevant to women of today 995 01:11:04,803 --> 01:11:08,193 Maybe she wants power, but she doesn't wanna lose her femininity 996 01:11:08,193 --> 01:11:11,693 She wanna be Corporate Executive, but, you know, she wants babies at the same time 997 01:11:11,693 --> 01:11:14,983 She is tired of being pushed around by Hamlet, and she wants to assure herself 998 01:11:14,983 --> 01:11:20,033 she feels like saying, “Look, cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!" 999 01:11:20,033 --> 01:11:22,163 Whoa, whoa, wait, you know what... 1000 01:11:26,887 --> 01:11:33,927 Yeah, we'll have you say, "cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!" 1001 01:11:37,665 --> 01:11:39,955 Yeah, your mommy will explain it later, kid! 1002 01:11:41,889 --> 01:11:43,269 Biology class 1003 01:11:45,002 --> 01:11:47,202 So, let's give it a try, Section C: 1004 01:11:47,202 --> 01:11:53,662 "Cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!" 1005 01:12:02,401 --> 01:12:06,121 Alright, everybody, what I think we should do now is 1006 01:12:06,121 --> 01:12:10,341 We'll get all the psychological elements into play simultaneously, right? 1007 01:12:10,341 --> 01:12:16,031 id, Ego, Superego, biological clock, and the voices "maybe, maybe not!" 1008 01:12:16,031 --> 01:12:19,491 And your job as an actress, Bob, is to take all of this energy in 1009 01:12:19,491 --> 01:12:22,471 Synthesize it within your soul, right? 1010 01:12:22,471 --> 01:12:28,131 And, at that moment of truth, we'll build everyone into a might frenzy, then stop everything, all attention is to you 1011 01:12:28,131 --> 01:12:30,061 And you let out with that scream that epitomizes Ophelia 1012 01:12:30,061 --> 01:12:31,591 No problem! 1013 01:12:34,893 --> 01:12:37,313 - Well, we'll see! - Oh, she can't wait! 1014 01:12:37,313 --> 01:12:41,313 Everybody, let's all, okay, focus, please! 1015 01:12:41,313 --> 01:12:44,923 Alright, everyone? Let's all take a deep breath together! 1016 01:12:48,917 --> 01:12:50,827 Yeah, let it out, kid 1017 01:12:50,827 --> 01:12:53,437 He's turning grace, keep an eye on him! 1018 01:12:53,437 --> 01:12:55,487 Right, you stand back here! 1019 01:12:55,487 --> 01:12:58,827 Right (perfect!), yeah, right there! 1020 01:12:58,827 --> 01:13:02,827 Excellent! And remember, no matter what happens, act natural! 1021 01:13:05,177 --> 01:13:08,067 - Starting with the Ego! - The starting line here, Bob! 1022 01:13:08,067 --> 01:13:11,297 Alright, here we go! Okay, and... 1023 01:13:11,297 --> 01:13:12,587 On your marks! 1024 01:13:15,500 --> 01:13:17,940 Like a Colts you are, huh? 1025 01:13:17,940 --> 01:13:21,520 We are not gonna have to check you for steroids after this, are we? 1026 01:13:22,490 --> 01:13:26,110 I recognize you, you were on the East Germany women's track team 1027 01:13:27,135 --> 01:13:28,985 His name was Helga, I swear to God! 1028 01:13:28,985 --> 01:13:31,705 Glad to see they finally dropped, alright! 1029 01:13:33,778 --> 01:13:35,698 You know what I mean, alright! 1030 01:13:35,698 --> 01:13:42,588 Alright? On your mark, set, go! "Maybe, maybe not" 1031 01:13:42,588 --> 01:13:43,998 Section A 1032 01:13:44,488 --> 01:13:46,348 Section B 1033 01:13:47,112 --> 01:13:48,222 C 1034 01:14:05,754 --> 01:14:06,924 Stop! 1035 01:14:42,029 --> 01:14:46,249 It's just that you are beautiful, and erotic, and sensual! 1036 01:14:50,449 --> 01:14:53,169 I think we really shared something, didn't we? 1037 01:14:53,169 --> 01:14:57,079 But back to Hamlet, Act III, Scene II, the famous “play-within-a-play scene” 1038 01:14:57,079 --> 01:15:01,869 In which Hamlet discovers conclusive evidence that his uncle murdered his father 1039 01:15:14,977 --> 01:15:19,087 “Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue 1040 01:15:19,087 --> 01:15:24,747 Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, and hold, as ‘twere, the mirror up to nature 1041 01:15:24,747 --> 01:15:28,927 - Will my lord hear this piece of work? - Aye, and the king, too, presently 1042 01:15:34,885 --> 01:15:37,205 And now, how does my cousin Hamlet, and my son? 1043 01:15:37,205 --> 01:15:39,175 A little more than kin, and less than kind 1044 01:15:39,175 --> 01:15:41,545 I have nothing with this answer, Hamlet; these words are not mine 1045 01:15:41,545 --> 01:15:43,565 - My lord, have a seat - Alright, I'll seat here 1046 01:15:43,565 --> 01:15:45,205 Screw over, kid! I'm doing ya' 1047 01:15:45,205 --> 01:15:46,915 Hey, good show, huh? 1048 01:15:46,915 --> 01:15:51,035 My lord, the Royal Theatre of Denmark is proud to present "The Murder of Gonzago" 1049 01:15:51,035 --> 01:15:52,915 Bravo, bravo, yeah, uhu! 1050 01:15:52,915 --> 01:15:55,185 Oh, it's a puppet show! I love it! I love it! 1051 01:15:55,185 --> 01:15:56,985 My lord, Act I 1052 01:16:22,943 --> 01:16:24,473 Hubba hubba 1053 01:16:37,006 --> 01:16:40,446 Hey, hey, no, no, no. Hey, hey! 1054 01:16:42,836 --> 01:16:46,016 Oh, the wheels on the bus go round and round.... 1055 01:16:46,640 --> 01:16:48,600 Okay, I'm sorry... I didn't... 1056 01:16:50,836 --> 01:16:54,836 - How likes my lord the play? - The lady doth protest too much, methinks! 1057 01:16:54,836 --> 01:16:57,326 Haha, whoa, she protests too much, get it? 1058 01:16:57,326 --> 01:17:00,076 Get it? Get it? Whoa. She doesn't get it. That's okay! 1059 01:17:00,076 --> 01:17:02,546 (I'll explain it later) My lord, Act II 1060 01:17:02,546 --> 01:17:03,616 Gesundheit! 1061 01:17:29,920 --> 01:17:31,890 I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pound! 1062 01:17:31,890 --> 01:17:33,980 My lord, the queen would speak with you in her closet 1063 01:17:33,980 --> 01:17:38,060 - Then will I come to my mother - Behind the arras I’ll convey myself to hear the process 1064 01:17:39,620 --> 01:17:44,490 - Now, mother, what’s the matter? - Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended 1065 01:17:44,490 --> 01:17:49,060 - Mother, you have my father much offended - What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? Help! 1066 01:17:49,060 --> 01:17:51,230 Help! Help! 1067 01:17:51,230 --> 01:17:52,600 How now? A rat! 1068 01:17:53,485 --> 01:17:57,625 Nooooo... noooooo... 1069 01:17:57,625 --> 01:18:00,995 It will hurt... 1070 01:18:03,408 --> 01:18:06,558 I told you so... 1071 01:18:11,980 --> 01:18:14,050 Dead for a ducat, aww 1072 01:18:15,170 --> 01:18:16,640 - Where's Polonius? - At supper! 1073 01:18:16,640 --> 01:18:20,640 - At supper? Where? - Not where he eats, but where he is eaten 1074 01:18:20,640 --> 01:18:22,910 - O no, it’s Laertes! - Son of Polonius 1075 01:18:22,910 --> 01:18:24,750 - Brother to Ophelia! - And a snappy dresser! 1076 01:18:24,750 --> 01:18:28,630 Why, thanks. O, thou vile king! Give me my father! How came he dead? 1077 01:18:28,630 --> 01:18:31,070 I’ll be revenged for Polonius’s murder! 1078 01:18:36,515 --> 01:18:38,455 How now, what noise is this? 1079 01:18:42,766 --> 01:18:45,956 Dear maid, kind sister, sweet, Ophelia! 1080 01:18:55,348 --> 01:18:57,688 I'm mad! I'm out of my tiny little mind! 1081 01:18:57,688 --> 01:19:00,838 I'm screwy-louie, I'm... See, this is acting! 1082 01:19:00,838 --> 01:19:04,668 Here’s rue for you, here is rosemary for remembrance 1083 01:19:04,668 --> 01:19:09,788 and I would have given you violets, but they withered all when my father died 1084 01:19:11,754 --> 01:19:13,324 I’m starting to feel a little nauseous here 1085 01:19:16,804 --> 01:19:17,824 I'm about to die! 1086 01:19:17,824 --> 01:19:21,824 Hamlet comes back. What would I undertake to show myself, my father's son, in deed... 1087 01:19:21,824 --> 01:19:24,214 Wait, hold on, Reed, before you go on to the next scene with Ophelia 1088 01:19:24,214 --> 01:19:25,514 There's no more scenes with Ophelia 1089 01:19:25,514 --> 01:19:27,594 - C'mon, I'm up for it! - No, that's all Shakespeare wrote! 1090 01:19:27,594 --> 01:19:29,614 - What happens to her? - She drowns! 1091 01:19:31,153 --> 01:19:32,353 - Okay, cool! - Okay! 1092 01:19:33,711 --> 01:19:37,371 To cut his throat in the church; I'll do that, and I'll anoint my sword... 1093 01:19:51,061 --> 01:19:54,201 I’ll anoint my sword with an unction so mortal that where it draws blood 1094 01:19:54,201 --> 01:19:56,791 No cataplasm can save the thing from this compulsion 1095 01:19:57,622 --> 01:19:59,242 I don't know what it means either! 1096 01:20:06,239 --> 01:20:10,239 This skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once 1097 01:20:10,239 --> 01:20:14,079 but then came the Nutrisystem Weight Loss Program! 1098 01:20:15,717 --> 01:20:18,527 Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him! 1099 01:20:19,037 --> 01:20:21,817 But soft! Here comes the queen! Couch me awhile, and mark! 1100 01:20:21,817 --> 01:20:25,697 Lay her in the earth; and from her fair and unpolluted flesh, may violets spring 1101 01:20:25,697 --> 01:20:28,747 Sweets to the sweet Ophelia. Farewell! 1102 01:20:28,747 --> 01:20:31,987 Hold off the earth awhile, ‘till I have caught her once more in mine arms 1103 01:20:31,987 --> 01:20:39,037 What is he worse grief bears such an emphasis? Haya! This is I, Hamlet the great Dane! 1104 01:20:44,203 --> 01:20:47,193 I will fight with him until my eyelids no longer wag 1105 01:20:47,193 --> 01:20:51,423 The cat will mew, and the dog will have his day. Come! Give us the foils! 1106 01:20:51,423 --> 01:20:53,983 - Come, one for me! - Now be careful. Those are sharp! 1107 01:20:55,078 --> 01:20:56,658 - Come, sir! - Come, my lord! 1108 01:20:58,176 --> 01:20:59,556 Look! Amelia Earhart! 1109 01:20:59,556 --> 01:21:00,716 - Where? - There! 1110 01:21:00,716 --> 01:21:02,166 One! (No!) Judgement? 1111 01:21:02,166 --> 01:21:03,866 A hit, a hit; a very palpable hit! 1112 01:21:03,866 --> 01:21:05,736 Yeah, Hamlet, drink off this cup! 1113 01:21:06,976 --> 01:21:09,250 - Nay! - Yeah, Hamlet, drink off this cup! 1114 01:21:09,480 --> 01:21:13,840 Nay, set it by awhile, mother! Father, uncle, whatever the hell you are... 1115 01:21:15,726 --> 01:21:17,826 Come again, Laertes! 1116 01:21:18,982 --> 01:21:21,332 - Another hit, what say you? - A touch, a touch, I do confess! 1117 01:21:21,332 --> 01:21:23,802 - O take this! (No!) - The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet 1118 01:21:23,802 --> 01:21:26,212 - Madam, do not drink! - I will, my lord. I pray you pardon me 1119 01:21:26,212 --> 01:21:27,972 It is the poisoned cup! It is too late! 1120 01:21:29,032 --> 01:21:30,602 Come again, Laertes! 1121 01:21:30,602 --> 01:21:31,722 For the third! 1122 01:21:42,794 --> 01:21:45,584 - How fair is the Queen? - She swoons to see thee bleed 1123 01:21:45,786 --> 01:21:51,896 No. The drink! The drink! I am poisoned! 1124 01:21:54,163 --> 01:21:57,823 O villainy! Treachery! Seek it out! 1125 01:21:57,823 --> 01:22:03,223 It is here, Hamlet. Here I lie, never to rise again I can no more. The king. The king’s to blame 1126 01:22:03,223 --> 01:22:07,213 What? The point envenom'd too? Then, venom, to thy work! 1127 01:22:07,213 --> 01:22:16,233 Here, thou murd'rous, incestuous... cross-dressing Dane: Follow my mother! 1128 01:22:20,638 --> 01:22:25,638 Forgive me, Hamlet. I am justly killed by mine own treachery 1129 01:22:27,876 --> 01:22:34,446 Heaven make thee free of it... I follow thee! 1130 01:22:35,984 --> 01:22:42,504 You that look pale, or tremble at this chance That are but mutes, or audience to this act 1131 01:22:43,094 --> 01:22:48,734 If ever thou did’st hold me in thy hearts Absent thee from felicity awhile 1132 01:22:49,792 --> 01:23:01,272 And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain To tell my story... The rest is silence! 1133 01:23:39,294 --> 01:23:43,014 Ladies and gentlemen, we shall have an encore! 1134 01:23:48,067 --> 01:23:49,767 Okay, thank you! We got about 3 more minutes 1135 01:23:49,767 --> 01:23:52,227 so we are gonna go through Hamlet one more time very quickly for you 1136 01:23:52,227 --> 01:23:55,457 I just need to make one quick announcement because we have a few children here tonight 1137 01:23:55,457 --> 01:23:58,347 As we go through this, we are gonna be moving very fast this time 1138 01:23:58,347 --> 01:24:01,977 Now, there's a lot of sharp swords that we use, there's falls that we take 1139 01:24:01,977 --> 01:24:05,397 There's props that we send flying back and forth, we make it look easy 1140 01:24:05,397 --> 01:24:08,117 But it's actually very difficult and very dangerous, so... 1141 01:24:08,117 --> 01:24:13,177 As you watch us do it, please, keep in mind that the 3 of us are trained professionals, okay? 1142 01:24:13,177 --> 01:24:15,577 Do not try this at home! 1143 01:24:15,577 --> 01:24:16,997 Right, kid? 1144 01:24:17,722 --> 01:24:20,452 Yeah, go over to a friend's house, it's much safer... 1145 01:24:28,101 --> 01:24:31,841 - O that this too too solid flesh would melt - My lord, I think I saw your father yesternight 1146 01:24:31,841 --> 01:24:34,091 - Would the night were come - Mark me! 1147 01:24:34,091 --> 01:24:35,911 - Something is rotten in the state of Denmark - Revenge my murder 1148 01:24:35,911 --> 01:24:36,871 My lord, this is strange 1149 01:24:36,871 --> 01:24:38,851 Well, there are more things in heaven and earth, so piss off 1150 01:24:38,851 --> 01:24:40,761 To be or not to be, that is the question... 1151 01:24:40,761 --> 01:24:41,991 Get thee to a nunnery! 1152 01:24:41,991 --> 01:24:44,121 Speak the speech, trippingly on the tongue 1153 01:24:44,631 --> 01:24:48,551 I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pound. Now, mother, what’s the matter? 1154 01:24:48,551 --> 01:24:50,071 Thou wilt not murder me. Help! 1155 01:24:50,071 --> 01:24:51,831 Help! Help! 1156 01:24:51,831 --> 01:24:54,041 How now, a rat! Dead for a ducat, dead! 1157 01:24:54,041 --> 01:24:56,251 - Now, Hamlet, where’s Polonius? - At supper 1158 01:24:56,251 --> 01:24:57,351 - Where is my father? - Dead! 1159 01:24:58,083 --> 01:24:59,383 Sweet Ophelia! 1160 01:24:59,383 --> 01:25:01,783 Alas, poor Yorick! But soft, here comes the Queen 1161 01:25:01,783 --> 01:25:03,583 - Lay her in the earth! - Sweet to the sweet 1162 01:25:03,583 --> 01:25:06,433 - Hold off the earth awhile - It is I, Omelet the cheese Danish 1163 01:25:06,433 --> 01:25:08,123 - The devil take thy soul! - Give us the foils! 1164 01:25:08,123 --> 01:25:10,903 - One for me. O! I am slain! - O, I am poisoned! 1165 01:25:10,903 --> 01:25:12,353 I follow thee. The rest is silence! 1166 01:25:30,322 --> 01:25:34,932 Ladies and gentlemen, we shall do it... faster! 1167 01:25:37,514 --> 01:25:38,954 O my brain! 1168 01:26:07,412 --> 01:26:13,432 Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a fantastic audience. We shall do it... backwards! 1169 01:26:19,410 --> 01:26:21,180 I got caught up in the moment! 1170 01:26:21,549 --> 01:26:23,159 How the hell is that gonna work? 1171 01:26:31,565 --> 01:26:32,645 This could be you! 1172 01:26:42,118 --> 01:26:46,118 Oh, yeah, be sure to listen for the satanic messages 1173 01:26:49,730 --> 01:26:52,300 Silence is rest the. Thee follow I 1174 01:26:52,300 --> 01:26:53,910 Frank Sinatra is gone! 1175 01:26:54,523 --> 01:26:55,483 Slain am I O! 1176 01:26:56,463 --> 01:26:59,223 Foils the us give. Dane the Hamlet, I is this 1177 01:26:59,223 --> 01:27:01,023 - Earth the off hold - Sweet the to sweets 1178 01:27:01,023 --> 01:27:04,413 - Earth the in her lay - Queen the comes here. Yorick poor, alas 1179 01:27:04,413 --> 01:27:05,563 Ophelia sweet! 1180 01:27:06,270 --> 01:27:08,510 - Father my is where? - Dead. Ducat a for dead 1181 01:27:12,423 --> 01:27:15,003 Tongue the on trippingly speech the speak 1182 01:27:15,950 --> 01:27:17,390 Nunnery a to thee get! 1183 01:27:17,390 --> 01:27:18,990 - Lord my good - Be to not or be to 1184 01:27:18,990 --> 01:27:21,440 Off piss, Horatio, earth and heaven in things more are there 1185 01:27:21,440 --> 01:27:22,390 Strange is this, lord my 1186 01:27:23,458 --> 01:27:25,248 Denmark of state the in rotten is something 1187 01:27:25,248 --> 01:27:26,857 Yesternight father your saw I think I, Lord my 1188 01:27:26,857 --> 01:27:29,857 Melt would flesh solid too too this that O 1189 01:27:29,857 --> 01:27:31,297 You thank! 1190 01:27:31,297 --> 01:27:32,637 Thank you!