Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
Welcome to the Criterion Theatre
And to the tonight's performance by the Reduced Shakespeare Company
I have a few brief announcements before we get underway
The use of flash photography
Or the recording of this show by any means - audio or video
Is prohibited by management
Also please refrain from eating, drinking or smoking anything
In the theatre.
Please take a moment now to locate
The exit nearest your seat.
Should the theatre experience a sudden loss of pressure
Oxygen masks will drop automatically.
Simply place the mask over your nose and mouth
And continue to breath normally.
If you are at the theatre with a small child,
Please, place your own mask on first,
And let the little bugger fend for himself.
At this time, I'd like to introduce myself.
My name is Reed Martin of the Reduced Shakespeare Company
And this evening, we are going to attempt a feat
Which we believe to be unprecedented
In the history of theatre.
That is to capture, in a single theatrical performance,
The magic, the genius, the towering grandeur,
Of the complete works of William Shakespeare.
Now we've got a lot to get through tonight,
So at this time, I'd like to introduce a member of the company
Who is one of California's preeminent Shakespearian scholars.
He has a bachelor's degree from the University of California at Berkely
Where I believe he read two books about William Shakespeare
He is here tonight to give us a brief preface to the complete works
Of William Shakespeare Abridged:
Please welcome me in joining
Mr. Austin Tichenor!
Thank thee. Thanks! Thank you.
Thank you, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen
William Shakespeare.
Playwright, poet, actor, philosopher.
A man whose creative and literary genius
Has had immeasurably profound influence
Upon the consciousness and culture of the entire English speaking world
And yet, how much do we really know?
I mean, how much do we really appreciate
The tremendous body of work contained
In this single volume?
Well, not enough is the answer
And I believe I can illustrate this by giving a brief poll amongst the audience.
Bob, can I get some House lights on please?
Oh, yes. Now, you're a theatre-going crowd
No doubt of an above average cultural and literary awareness
And yet, if I could just have a brief show of hands:
How many of you have ever seen or read any play by William Shakespeare?
Any play at all by the Bard? Just raise your hand
It doesn't matter which...
We better get out of here, they don't know...
Austin, they don't know Shakespeare from shinola
Just keep going. Narrow it down.
Let's see if we can narrow it down a bit, shall we?
Um, how many of you have ever seen or read All's Well That Ends Well?
All's Well, anyone?
Yes, so that seems to be separating the wheat from the chaff rather nicely
Let's see if we can find out who the true Shakespeare trivia champs are here tonight
How many of you have ever seen or read King John? King John in...
Oh yeah, right. Well would you mind telling us what it's all about?
No, no, don't ask her, no, no, no, I'm... I'm talking...
Ladies and gentlemen, you laugh, you scoff
but let he or she among you who is free from sin live in a glass house
I submit to you. I submit to you that our society's collective capacity to comprehend
much less attain the genius of William Shakespeare
Has been systematically compromised by computers
Vandalized by video games
And annihilated by Andrew Lloyd Webber
But have no fear. The Reduced Shakespeare Company is here
We descend among you on a mission from God and the literary Muse
To spread the holy word of the Bard to the masses
To help you take those first, faltering steps
Out of the twentieth century quagmire of fresh frozen fast food culture
And into the future! A glorious future.
A future in which this book will be found in every hotel room in the world!
That is my dream! Yes! Yes! Thank you! Thank you!
Yes, I feel as if I'm preaching to the converted
Can I get an AMEN? [Amen!]
Oh, thank you Jesus! That's my dream! And it begins tonight
Join us, join us in taking those first steps down the path
Towards the brave new world of intellectual redemption
By opening your hearts, please, please, open your hearts, and your pocket books
Please, c'mon now, we accept any denomination, any currency at all
Anything except the Euro. We have no idea what that is all about
Y'know. C'mon, man, give us your ca - give us your cash
If we be friends, and deduct it when the tax year ends!
And now on with the show. Let us bring it to ya', put some love in your hearts
Gimme a Hallelujah! [Hallelujah!]
Oh, may the Bard be with you
Good night, thank you
Those of you who own a copy of this book
Know that no volume is complete without a brief biography of William Shakespeare
Providing this portion of the performance
will be the third member of the Reduced Shakespeare Company
Please welcome to the stage, Mr. Adam Long!
Oh, shit
No, no, let me get it, they go in order
So just let me get... I got it.
Okay, what I did was I've just written a few notes on Shakespeare's life
Just to get the show off to a good start
Just so like everybody can know all the stuff that he did and everything
As you can see, I'm not actually an audience member, I completely fooled you
Okay. Okay. William Shakespeare
William Shakespeare was born in 1564 in the town of Stratford-Upon-Avon, Warwickshire
The third of eight children he was the eldest son of John Shakespeare
a locally prominent merchant, and Mary Arden, daughter of a Roman...
Catholic member of the Landed Gentry.
In 1582, he married Anne Hathaway
Shakespeare arrived in London in 1588
And by 1592, he had achieved success as an actor and a playwright
After 1608, his dramatic production lessened, and it seems that he spent more time in Stratford
There he dictated to his secretary, Rudolf Hess, the work Mein Kampf...
In which he set forth this program for the restoration of Germany to a dominant position in Europe
After reoccupying the Rhineland Zone between France and Germany and annexing Austria,
the Sudetenland, and the remainder of Czechoslovakia...
Shakespeare invaded Poland on September 1, 1939
Thus precipitating World War II
I never knew that before
Okay, okay
Shakespeare remained in Berlin when the Russians entered the city on April 1, 1945
And committed suicide with his mistress, Eva Peron.
He lies buried in the church at Stratford
Thank you very much, that's all I've got
And now, without further ado, the Reduced Shakespeare Company is proud to prevent
the Complete Works of William Shakespeare:
Abridged!
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players
They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts
One man in his time plays many parts: how true!
Ladies and gentlemen, where better to begin our exploration into the complete
works of the greatest of all English playwrights than in Verona, Italy
With two of his most beloved characters, Romeo and Juliet!
Now, Adam and Reed are going to assist me by portraying all the major characters in Romeo and Juliet
While I fill in with bits of crucial narration.
We begin with the prologue.
Two households, both alike in dignity, in
fair Verona, where we lay our scene, from
ancient grudge breaks a new mutiny, where
civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two
foes, a pair of star-crossed lovers take
their life. Huah! Whose misadventure
piteous o'erthrows, do, with their death,
bury their parents' strife. Thank you very much
Act 1, Scene 1. In the street meet two men, tall and handsome
One, Benvolio. The other named Sampson
Their hatred fueled by an ancient feud, for one serves Capulet, the other, Montague-d.
Oh, it's him. I hate him,
his family, hate his dog, hate 'em all.
Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?
No, sir, I do but bite my thumb.
Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?
No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir
but I do but bite my thumb. Do you quarrel, sir?
Quarrel, sir? No, sir!
But if you do, sir, I am for you, a serve as good a man as you.
Hah! No better.
Yes. Better.
You lie!
Montague!
I'm twisting your hand! Argh!
This is really gonna hurt you!
Rebellious subjects!
Uh-oh, it's the Prince!
Enemies to the peace, profaners of this neighbor-stainéd steel
You, Capulet, shall go along with me.
Benvolio, come you this afternoon to know our farther pleasure in this case.
Sorry
Oh, where is Romeo? Saw you him today,
Right glad I am, he was not at this fray.
Ah, but see, he comes!
Romeo, he cried, I will know his grievance,
Or be much denied. Good morrow, cuz.
Is the day so young?
But new struck nine.
Ay, me. Sad hours seem long.
What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?
Not having that which, having, makes them short.
In love?
Out.
Of love?
Out of her favor, where I am in love.
Alas, that love, so gentle in his view,
Should be so rough and tyrannous in proof.
Alas that love, whose view is muffled
Still, should without eyes see pathways to his will.
Oh!
Go ye to the feast of Capulets.
There sups the fair Rosalind whom thou so lovest with all the admired beauties of Verona.
Go thither, and compare her face with some that I shall show, oh baby
And I shall make thee think thy swan a crow.
I'll go along! No such sight to be shown, but to rejoice in splendor of mine own.
And, so much for Act 1
It wasn't that good.
Now to the feast of Capulet, where Romeo is doomed to meet his Juliet
And where, in a scene of timeless romance, he'll try to get into Juliet's pants.
Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright. Did my heart love 'till now?
Forswear it, sight. For I ne'er saw true beauty 'till this night.
If I profane with my unworthiest hand, this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss
Oh, good pilgrim you do wrung your hands too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this.
For saints have hands that pilgims' hands do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.
Have not saints lips and holy palmers too?
Ay, pilgrim. Lips they must use in prayer.
Oh then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do
Saints do not move, though grant for prayer's sake.
Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.
Then from my lips the sin that they have took.
Oh, sin from my lips? Trespass, sweetly urged. Give me my sin again!
- Look, I don't wanna kiss you, man. - Look, it's on the script.
I don't care, God, I just...
Um, you kiss by the book
- Oh, coming Mother... - Is she a Capulet?
Ay, so I fear. The more is my unrest.
Just pretend you're not there.
What are you doing?
The balcony scene.
Oh. Um. But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name or if thou wilt not be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet. [Snort.]
Okay, what's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name could still smell
So Romeo, what, oh, Romeo doth thy name, and for thy name which is no part of thee take all my self
Okay, there is
I take thee at thy word. Call me but love, and I shall be new baptized
Henceforth I shall never be Romeo
But men art thou. Art thou not Romeo, and a Montague?
- Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike. - Dost thou love me, then?
I know thou wilt say I and I will take thy word, yet if thou swearest thou may as prove false
Oh, Romeo, if thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully
- Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear - Swear not by the moon!
What shall I swear by, then?
I don't know. Not the moon. How 'bout her?
- Swear by her - Lady, by yonder blessed virgin, I swear
I don't think so. No.
No, no, do not swear at all, though I joy in thee, I have no joy in this contract tonight
It is too rash, too sudden, too inadvised; too like the lightning
Which doth cease to be 'ere one can say it lightens
- Oh, Romeo - Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
- What satisfaction canst thou have? - The exchange of thy most faithful vows for mine
Oh, I did give it thee before thou didst request it
Three words, gentle Romeo, and then good night indeed
If that thy bent of love be honorable, thy purpose marriage, Send Word Tomorrow. One, Two, Three.
Good night, good night, parting is such sweet sorrow
Bye-bye.
Sleep well in thine eyes, peace in thy breasts
Oh, that I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest
Lo, Romeo did swoon with love. By Cupid, he'd been crippled
But Juliet had a loathsome curse, whose loathsome name was Tybalt
Romeo! The love I bear thee can afford no better trim than this: thou art a villain
Therefore turn and draw!
Tybalt, I do protest! I never injured thee, but love thee, better than thou give
Oh, thou wretched boy, I aim for you!
Oh, I am slain.
Moving right along. From Tybalt's death onward
The lovers are cursed. Despite the best efforts of the friar and nurse
Their fate persues them; they can't seem to duck it
And at the end of Act 5, they both kick the bucket
Gallop a pace, you firey-footed steeds! And bring in cloudy night immediately.
Come, night, come civil night, come Romeo, thou day and night
Come gentle night, come loving black proud night Oh, night, night, night, night
Come, come, come, come, come
I didn't write it!
And bring me my Romeo!
Tuck your boobies in.
Oh, can heaven be so envious!
Oh, Romeo, Romeo, who would have thought it, Romeo?
What devil art thou to torment me, thus? It's actually rude to torment me
Is Romeo gone and Tybalt slain?
No, Juliet, Tybalt is gone, and Romeo is banished
Romeo, who killed Tybalt, he is banished
Oh, God. Did Romeo's hand shed Tybalt's blood?
It did, it did, alas the day, it did
Thank you so much.
Now Romeo lives
Now Romeo lives who Tybalt would have slain, and Tybalt is dead
He that would have killed my husband
Oh, friar Laurence!
Juliet, I already know thy grief. Take now this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou of
And presently through all thy veins, shall run a cold and drowsy humor
Oh, I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins, Obi Wan
Just say no!
Oh, no!
Oh my love, my wife, death that has set the honey of thy breath hath no power yet upon thy beauty
- Why art thou yet so fair? - I don't know
Shall I believe that unsubstantial death is amorous?
To keep me here in the dark, to be his paramour?
Here's to my love.
Oh, true apothecary, thy drugs are quick
Thus with a kiss, I die
Thus, with a kiss...
Get over it... I die.
Good morning! Where, oh, where is my love?
What's this? Poison, I see, hath been my true love's timeless end
Oh, churl, drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after
Then I'll be brief. Happy dagger this is thy sheath!
That's Romeo for ya'
Oh, my head!
Oh, my brain!
There rust, and let me die!
Epilogue: A glooming peace, this morning with it brings, the sun, for sorrow, will not show its head
Go forth, to have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned, and some, punished
For never was it there a story of more woah than this of Juliet and her Romeo
And Romeo and Juliet are dead!
Ladies and gentlemen, in preparing this unprecedented complete works show
We've encountered the difficulty of trying to make these four-hundred year old plays accessible to a modern audience
Now, one popular trend is to transpose Shakespeare's tales into modern settings
And we've seen evidence of this with productions of Shakespeare's plays
Set in such unusual locations as the lunar landscape, Nazi prisoner of war camps, and even Vancouver
Now - God bless you - in this vein, Austin has traced the roots of Shakespeare's symbolism
In the context of a pre-Nietzschian society
Through the totality of a jejune circular relationship of form
Contrasted with the complete otherness of metaphysical cosmologies
And the ethical mores entrenched in the collective subconscious of an agrarian race
So, we now present Shakespeare's first tragedy, Titus Andronicus, as a cooking program
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
Good evening, gourmets
And welcome to Roman Meals. I'm your host, Titus Andronicus. Now look
When you've had a long day, your left hand chopped off
Your sons murdered, your daughter raped
Her tongue cut out, both her hands chopped off
Well, the last thing you wanna do is cook, you know what I mean?
Unless of course, you cook the rapist and serve him to his mother at the dinner party
My daughter, Lavinia, and I will show you how! Good evening Lavinia!
And how are we feeling today?
Not so good, I got my tongue chopped out.
I know, it's a pisser, isn't it?
But we'll have our revenge, won't we?
Now, hark villain, I will grind your bones to dust, and of your blood in it I'll make a paste
and of that paste a coffin I will rear, and make a pasty of your shameful head
- Come, Lavinia, receive the blood - Okey-dokey
Now first thing you wanna do is make a nice clean incision from the carotid artery to the jugular vein
- Like so - Oh, that's gross
Yeah. Now, be sure to use a big bowl
Because the human body's got about four quarts of blood in it
And you don't wanna miss a single drop; forget about it
Now, whenever he's dead, which should be, now
I will grind his bones into powder small,
And with this hateful liquor temperate, and in that paste let his vile head be baked
At about 350 degrees.
And 40 minutes later, you have the most delicious human-head-pie, fit to serve a king
With some lovely lady fingers for desert
Now, who will be the first to try this delicious taste treat?
Welcome gracious lord, welcome great queen, will please you eat, will please you feed?
C'mon, it's finger-licking good!
Good one, man, high-five!
Well, that's about all the time we have, thanks so much for tuning in
And do join us next week, when our very special guest chef
Timon of Athens will make a lovely ratatouille out of the Merry Wives of Windsor
And until then, BONE-Appetite! Thank you very much!
I hope no one was too offended by Titus Andronicus
Shakespeare as a young writer seems to have gone through a brief Quentin Tarantino phase
But, we shall now move on to explore the genius evident in Shakespeare's more mature work
As we present his dark and brooding tragedy, Othello, the Moor of Venice
Speak of me as I am, nothing extenuate, one who loved not wisely, but too well
For never was there a story of more woe than this of Othello and his Desdemona
Ah, Dese!
Bob, could we have some lights, please?
Uh, we left Adam on his own to research this play
Uh, apparently he looked up 'moor' in the dictionary
and thought it was a place where you tie up boats
- That's what it told me - Which obviously in this context is obviously totally ridiculous
Because, in the 16th century, the word 'moor' referred to a black person
I feel like such a dork
Yeah, well, go with the feeling
Look, ladies and gentlemen, we obviously have some difficulty in even performing Othello
because, as you know, the part is written for a black actor
- And we are - I guess you might say that we're, uh, racially challenged
Exactly, so the bottom line is we're not going to be able to perform Othello for you tonight, I'm very sorry about it
No, no, Austin, Austin, we can do it, we can do it. I've got an idea that's totally boatless
If we just, aham, If we just get like a rhythm going, y'know?
Like a
Like a: "Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello"
"He liked white women, and he liked... green jello"
Oh yeah, yeah And a punk named Iago
Who made himself a menace, 'cause he didn't like Othello
The moor of Venice And Othello got married to Desdemona
He took her for the wars, and left her alone-a
He was a moan-a, a groan-a, he left her alone-a
He didn't write a letter, and he didn't telephon'er
Desdemona she was faithful, she was chastity-tight
She was the daughter of a Duke, yeah, she was totally white
And Iago loved Dese like Adonis loved Venus
And Dese loved Othello 'cause he had a big... SWORD
Iago, he said, "I'm gonna shaft the Moor"
How you gonna do it, tell us!
Well, I know his tragic flaw: he's too damn jealous
I need a dupe, a dope, a kind of schmo, so he found himself a sucker by the name of Casio
And he plants on him Desdemona's handkercheifs
So Othello gets to wondering just maybe if
While he been out fighting, commanding an army, are Dese and Cas playin' hide the salami?
S-s-s-s-sala-salami!
So he comes back home he's got a pillow in her face
He kills her and soliloquizes about his disgrace
But there's Amelia at the door, who we met in Act 4
Who say, "You big dummy, she weren't no whore!"
She was pure, she was clean, she was virginal, too
So why'd you have to go, and make her face turn blue?"
It's true! It's you!
Now what'chu gonna do? And Othello say, "Damn, this is getting pretty scary"
Pull out his blade, and committed Hari-Kari
Do that funky Moor-thing, white boy!
- That is so hot, man - Iago got caught, but he probably copped a plea
Lured up his bags and moved to Beverly
Hills, that is. Whoo!
Hey guys, uh, let's lighten up from all the heavy tragedy, and do some of the comedies for a while
- Word. Let's totally - Okay, okay
When it came to comedies, Shakespeare was a genius
At borrowing and adapting plot devices from different theatrical traditions
This influences include the Roman plays of Plautus and Terence
Ovid's "Metamorphoses", which are hysterically funny.
As well as the rich Italian tradition of commedia dell'arte
Yeah, basically, Shakespeare stole every comedy he ever wrote
No, no, STOLE is a really strong word distilled, maybe
Okay he distilled the three or four funniest comic gimmicks of his time
And then he milked them into 16 plays
You see, basically Shakespeare was a formula writer
Once he found a device that worked he used it over and over and over again
So, Mr. Shakespeare, the question we have is this:
Why did you write 16 comedies, when you could've written just one?
Well, in answer to this question, we of the Reduced Shakespeare Company have taken the liberty of condensing
All 16 of Shakespeare's comedies into a single play
Which we have entitled:
The comedy of two well-measured gentlemen lost in the Merry Wives of Venice on a Midsummer's Twelfth Night in Winter
Or: Cymbeline Taming Pericles, the Merchant in the Tempest of Love As Much As You Like It For Nothing
Or: Four weddings and a transvestite.
Act I. A Spanish Duke swears an oath of celibacy
And turns the rule of his kingdom over to his sadistic and tyrannical twin brother
He learns some fantastical feats of magic
And sets sail for the Golden Age of Greece
Along with his daughters, three beautiful and virginal set of identical twins
While rounding the heel of Italy, the Duke’s ship is caught in a terrible tempest
Which, in its fury, casts the Duke upon a desert island
Along with the loveliest and most virginal of his daughters
Who stumbles into a cave, where she is molested by a creature who is either a man, or a fish, or both
Act II. The longlost sons of the Duke's brother, also coincidentally three sets of identical twins
Have just arrived in Italy
Though still possessed of an inner nobility, they are ragged, destitute, penniless, flea-infested shadows of the men they once were
And in the utmost extremity are forced to borrow money from an old Jew
Who deceives them into putting down their brains as collateral on the loan
Now, the six brothers fall in love with six Italian sisters
Three of whom are contentious, sharp-tongued little shrews
While the other three are submissive, airheaded little bimbos
Act III. The ship wrecked, the identical daughters of the Duke wash up on the shores of Italy
Disguise themselves as men, become pages to the shrews and matchmakers to the Duke's brother's sons
They lead all the lovers into a nearby forest, where, on a midsummer's night,
A bunch of mischievous fairies squeeze the aphroditic juice of a hermaphroditic flower into the shrews' eyes
Causing them to fall in love with their own pages, who, in turn, have fallen in love with the Duke's brother's sons
While the queen of the fairies seduces a jackass, and they all have an orgy
Act IV.
The elderly fathers of the Italian sisters, finding their daughters missing
Dispatch messages to the pages telling them to kill any man in the vicinity
However, unable to find men in the forest, the faithful messengers, in a final misguided act of loyalty
Deliver the messages to each other and kill themselves
Meanwhile, the fish creature and the Duke arrive in the forest disguised as Russians
And, for no apparent reason, perform a two-man underwater version of "Uncle Vanya"
Act V. The Duke commands the fairies to right their wrongs
The pages and the bimbos get into a knock-down, drag-out fight in the mud
During which the pages' clothes get ripped off, revealing female genitalia
The Duke recognizes his daughters
The Duke's brother's sons recognize their uncle
One of the shrews is elected Senator from New York
And they all get married and go out to dinner
Except for a minor character in the second act, who gets eaten by a bear
And the Duke's brother's sons, who, unable to pay back the old Jew, give themselves lobotomies
And they all live happily ever after Thank you!
What we would like to do in this juncture time
Is return quickly to the rest of Shakespeare's tragedies
Because, basically, we found that the comedies are not as funny as the tragedies
So, we would like to start this section of the show with Shakespeare's Scottish play, Macbeth
Which you're really not supposed to talk about in the theatre
Unless you are performing it
Because it's cursed
Uhu, very scary!
Fortunately, our Reduced Shakespeare Company not only performs an abbreviated version of Macbeth
But, after much thorough research, we are able to do so in perfect Scottish accents
Double, double, toil, and trrrouble
Stay, ye, imperrrfect (Mac)speaker. (Mac)tell me (Mac)morrre
Macbeth... Macbeth...
Bewarrre Macduff
No man of woman born shall harm Macbeth
'Till Birnam Wood come to Dunsmane, don't ye know?
That's dead great. Then (Mac)what (Mac)need (mac)I (Mac)fear of Macduff?
See you, Jimmy!
And know that Macduff was from his mother's womb untimely ripped! What d'ye think about that?
Ooh! That's bloody disgusting!
Lay on, your great haggis-breath ye'!
Ah, Macbeth! Ye killed my wife, ye murdered my bairns, ye did a job in my stoup
- Rrr, I didnae - Rrr, you did!
- Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I hadn't throw half of it away!
Behold where stands the usurper's cursed head
Ah, Macbeth! yer arse is oot the windee
And know that never was there a story of more blood and death
Than this of Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth Thank you!
Meanwhile, Julius Caesar was a much beloved tyrant
All hail Julius Caesar!
Hail, citizens!
- Who was warned by a soothsayer - Beware the Ides of March
The great Caesar, however, chose to ignore the warning
What the hell are the "Ides of March"?
Well, that's the 15th of March
That's today!
Et tu, Brutus?
Friends, Romans, countrymen!
Lend me your ears!
I come to bury Caeser, so let's bury him, and get on to my play, Antony...
And Cleopatra!
Is this an asp I see before me? Oh, I'm dying! I've been bit by a snake
It's the venom! It's all over through my blood!
Adam, stop it! Adam...
Poison! Will you come down? What?
You have this really bizarre notion that all of Shakespeare's tragedies' heroines
Wear this really ugly wigs, and vomit on people before they die
- It's an interpretation, man! - No!
Barfing on people is not an interpretation!
Just get up here!
He was into it!
Antony and Cleopatra is not some Alka-Seltzer commercial
It's a romantic thriller about a geopolitical power struggle between Egypt and Rome
Oh, yeah! Like you knew! You like all laughing...
I'm sorry! I apologize! I apologize, you know?
If I had known this was Shakespeare's geopolitical play, I wouldn't have screwed around with it
because my favorite plays are his geopolitical plays
- Really, really? - No, seriously, they're intense, man, like, um...
What was that one he wrote about nuclear energy in the former Soviet Union?
It was way ahead of its time. It was a metaphor... wrapped in an allegory
It was totally intense, man. It was called "Chernobyl Kinsmen," and it was all about this...
Adam, Adam, Shakespeare wrote a play called "Two Noble Kinsmen"
Not "Chernobyl Kinsmen"! "Two Noble Kinsmen"!
- "Cher..." - "Two"
- There was definitely a "Cher"! - "Two"! "Two"!
- "Two... Noble Kinsmen"! - "Cher...", "Cher...", "Cherno..."
What's "Two Noble Kinsmen" about?
"Two Noble Kinsmen" is about a girl who goes insane with the fear
That her boyfriend is going to be eaten by wolves, and her father, hanged
- And is Boris Yeltsin in it? - No, NO!!!
I never heard of that play before, I'm sorry...
Actually once... Oh, wait a second...
I should explain to these guys
I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, my bad! Listen!
"Two Noble Kinsmen" actually falls in the category of Shakespeare's plays
That we scholars refer to as "the apocrypha"
Um, or in some literary circles "the obscure plays"
Um, and sometimes "the lesser plays"
And, um, and often quite simply "the bad plays"
But, but the part is not all of "the apocrypha" are entirely without merit
In fact, one of them, "Troilus and Cressida", is hardly crap at all
In fact, I discussed "Troilus and Cressida" at some lenght in my new soon-to-be-released book
about Shakespeare entitled "I love my Willy"
Which I’d like to whip out for you now, if I could...
What? What? No. No, it's my book
Anyway, I was thinking what we could do
Is a quick, sort of improvised version of Troilus and Cressida based on this chapter
Yeah, we could do an interpretive dance, performance art version!
Performance art, I love performance art It's so... pretentious!
We could do a piece that uses the text of Troilus and Cressida
As like a jumping-off point to explore deeper themes, you know?
Like the transient nature of life, and the mythology involved in the arising and dissipation of forms
Yeah, get some props!
Wait, I was thinking we could do just a very straightforward scholarly approach
- No, screw that! - Let's go ahead!
All right, okay. Let's start. Um, Troilus and Cressida
Was written in 1603, published in 1604 And is in the "First Folio"
Although that version is some 166 lines longer than the version which appears in the "Second Folio"
Which is about 166 lines shorter than the version which appears in the "First Folio"
Now, they describe the play in the "First Folio" as a "history", but later became known as a "comedy"
And it's now known...
No, get rid with it! Get that out of here!
Get that out of here! What the hell are you.. Get rid of it! Just go!
Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait!
Get a life, ladies and gentlemen!
My book has nothing to do with Godzilla!
Awesome, that's great! But there is anything in the book about the plot?
Of course I cover the plot! What sort of scholar do you think I am?
I cover the plot in-depth in the footnote here on page 7, all right?
All right, look! "Troilus, youngest son of Priam, King of Troy"
Okay, you'll be Troilus, he'll be the King of Troy
All right! "loves Cressida"
- I'll get the wig! - All right, great!
And has arranged with her uncle Pandarus for a meeting
- Although she feigns indifference - Oh, wait a minute...
She is attracted to him. Meanwhile, Agamemnon, the Greek commander, has surrounded...
Kids hate to study it at school because it’s so boring
C'mon, as soon as you said "Agamemnon", I was asleep, man!
I'm sorry, but we came here to London, I told these guys, I said, "I will not do dry, boring, vomitless Shakespeare"
No, that just turns you off. That's what happened to me when I was a kid in school
And we were supposed to be studying Shakespeare
It's like I'd be boiling it out of my mind, I'd be looking out the window, and all the kids playing ball
And I'd be sitting myself like, "why can't Shakespeare stuff be more like sports?"
That's... that's what I've got! That's what I was thinking...
- You like sports? - I did like sports, yes!
And you went to High School?
- Yes, in a matter of fact, I did - Okay, well, whatever...
Because, check it out, sports are visceral, you know? They are engaging
It's like, um, you know, if you look at Shakespeare's histories
In the histories, the valorous kings They are killing each other off
They are passing the throne from one generation to the next
It's exactly like American Football Only with a dude with a crown
You know what? They are kind of similar
25, 42, Richard III, Henry VI part I, II, III, hike!
And the crown is snapped to Richard II, that well spoken 14th century monarch
He’s fading back to pass, looking for an heir downfield, but there’s a heavy rush from King John
My gross flesh sinks downwards!
The crown is in the air, and Henry VI comes up with it!
Victory is mine!
But he’s immediately hit by King John. He’s cutting Henry VI into three parts
This is going to be be the end of the War of the Roses Cycle!
King John is in the clear
- My soul hath elbow room - He’s in the 35 yard line
The 30, the 25, the 20 The 15, the 10...
He is poisoned on the 1 yard line He is out of the game
Replacing him now: number 72, King Lear
Divide my kingdom in 3. Cordelia, you go along
All right... Whoa, whoa, hold on!
Looks like there is a penalty called
Fictional character on the field, Lear is disqualified
All right, Lining up now is that father-son team of Henry IV and Prince Hal
Center snaps to the quarterback. Quarterback gives to the hunchback
It looks like that limp is giving Richard III trouble again
- A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse! - There’s a pile-up on the field
Fumble!!! And Henry VIII comes up with it. He’s headed to the goaline
He stops at the 5 to chop off his wife’s head
Who’s your daddy?
Touchdown for the Red Rose! Oh my!
You gotta believe this is the beginning of a Tudor dynasty!
Henry V, Richard III. Fellows are dark, and trousers, dirty
Go Fergie!
Can I just... can I borrow your program? I'll give it right back, I promise
- I just wanne check the list of plays - What are you doing?
I just wanna look at the list of plays 'Cause I think we might've don'em all already
- Really? - Sure, because we just did all the histories, right?
Yeah, and we did all the comedies all together
Oh good, that just leaves the tragedies
Um, Titus Andronicus I did with all the blood
Romeo and Juliet, Julius Caesar, Troilus and Cressida
- Othello was a rap, King Lear was in the football game - Maybe we will let you guys out early tonight
Um, Macbeth, the Scottish play! Yeah!
- Wait, wait. Antony and Cleopatra? - We did it!
We did it totally! I threw up on that guy in the hat!
Right, that's right! Timon of Athens I mentioned
- Coriolanus? - Oh, just... let's just skip it!
Why? What... What's the matter with Coriolanus?
I don't like the "anus" part. I just think...
No, I think it's offensive. We have some young children
It's not a clever word... (I'm 13)... I don't care if you're 20! I don't wanna hear you using language like that, young man!
Is this your mommy?
Don't give me the evil eye!
Now I know why some animals eat their young. You know, I swear to God
I think that kid could kick your ass, so just leave him alone
But I think you are right, we are all...
No, no, no, NO! Look here!
Oh no!
Hamlet!
How... how did we forget Hamlet?
Shakespeare didn't write Hamlet, did he?
- Yes, he did! - Of course he did!
He didn't!
It's a Mel Gibson movie!
It's based on the play, anyway...
Well, 36 down, just 1 to go. Perhaps the Bard's greatest play, a play of...
I'm sorry, I really don't feel up for it tonight
I don't... I don't...
Hamlet is a very big play, it's got a lot of words, it's got, you know, like ideas and stuff
But don't quit, man!
It's just that football game left me really emotionally and phisically drained
I just, you know, I don't think I could do justice to it!
We don't have to do justice to it!
I mean, where have you been? We just have to do it, you know!
- The kid... - Don't worry about the kid!
The play is called "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare"
Well, let's just change the name of the play then...
We call: "The Complete Works of Shakespeare... Except Hamlet"
That's ridiculous!
I think they will like to see Hamlet, won't you?
This is... this is... no... Okay... look, okay...
I you want to do it so bad, you two do it, and I'll watch
What? That doesn't make any sense!
Oh, shoe... look at this shoe!
No, no, no, no....
I've never seen inside it before...
- What? Is it a crime to take somebody's bag? - Yes!
Oh, everything I do is wrong!
- What is the matter with you? - Why don't you take away my birthday?
- What? - It just sucks! This show sucks!
All right! Are you relaxed? We are going to do Hamlet, all right?
Okay, all right! So we will start with the Battle...
Oh, shit! I'm sorry!
Yeah, so there is Bernardo and Horatio
I think it's very sensible for you to carry those by the way
I'll kill the cameraman, I'll kill him
I don't care, we've got 5 other cameramen, I don't care
Austin is usually a lot faster than Adam
I'm sure they will be back in just a minute
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Tell you what... let's take an intermission here
Um, go out to the lobby, stretch your legs, have a few drinks
We're always much more talented after you had a few drinks
I'll need you back here in 15 minutes Austin and Adam should be back by then
And we will proceed with Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
I hope...
Please, don't patronize me!
Austin and Adam aren't back yet!
Well, actually, Austin called in the intermission
He said he caught Adam at the airport trying to catch a flight to Rio
And, um, he suggested that, until they get back, I go ahead, and cover the sonnets
Shakespeare wrote 154 sonnets
I've reduced the meltdown onto this card
And, um, what I was thinking we could do is pass it among the audience
Like, um, say we start here with you ma'am, right?
I give you the card, you take it, read it, enjoy it, passes to the person next to you
Yeah, yeah, you!
Yeah, and then down on the row like that, and then, if you just pass it behind you
And then just back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, and back...
And forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, and back
And, by the time it gets to you, Austin and Adam should be here
So, um, Bob, if we can have some house lights, please
As I say, ma'am, why don't we start here with you
Just take it, read it, enjoy it, pass it along
Austin and Adam, ladies and gentlemen
This is so uncool, you grabbed me You gave me a carpet burn on my arm
You should've come here earlier
I don't wanna do this!
- You alright? You alright? - C'mon! C'mon!
Here, here, blow, blow alright?
Just take him back stage I'll start here, okay?
Bob, um, can I get some mood lighting, please?
To, um, to help me sort of set the scene
For what is perhaps the greatest play ever written in the English language
Hamlet, the tragedy of the prince of Denmark
The place... Denmark!
The time... a very long time ago!
The battlements of Elsinore castle. Round about midnight. Two guards enter
(Adam!) I don't wanna do this stupid play, leave me alone!
- Get off! - Don't make me...
I told you!
- Who’s there? - Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself
- Long live the king - Bernardo! (He!)
‘Tis now struck twelve Get thee to bed, Horatio
- For this relief, much thanks - Well, good night
Peace, break thee off Look where it comes!
- Mark it, Horatio. It would be spoke to - What art thou? By heaven, I charge thee, speak!
'Tis gone!
It was about to speak when the sock crew
Break we our watch up!
And by my advice, let us impart what we have seen tonight unto
Hamlet, prince of Denmark!
O that this too, too solid flesh would melt
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew
That is should come to this, but two months dead
So loving to my mother
Frailty, thy name is woman!
Yeah, you!
Married to mine uncle, my father’s brother
The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables
- My lord! - Horatio!
- Methinks I see my father - Where, my lord?
- In my mind’s eye, Horatio - My lord, I think I saw him yesternight
- Saw who? - The king, your father!
- The king, my father? But where was this? - Upon the platform where we watched
‘Tis very strange
I will watch tonight Perchance ‘twill walk again
All is not well, Horatio. Would the night were come
So...
O the wind bites shrewdly. It is very cold!
Look, my lord, it comes!
Angels and ministers of grace defend us
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark
Mark me!
Speak. I am bound to hear!
So art thou to revenge when thou shalt hear
If ever thou didst thy dear father love Revenge his foul and most unnatural murderer
- Murderer! - Murderer!
The serpent that did sting thy father’s life now wears his crown
- My uncle! - His uncle!
Let not the royal bed of Denmark become a couch for incest
- Incest! - A couch!
Adieu, Hamlet, adieu! Remember me!
- My lord, this is strange!
There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy
So piss off!
I hereafter shall think meet to put an antic disposition on
The time is out of joint. O cursed spite that ever I was born to exit right
Neither a borrower nor a lender be!
How now, Ophelia. What’s the matter?
My lord, as I was sewing in my closet, lord Hamlet, with no hat upon his head, pale as his shirt
His knees knocking together, and with a look So piteous in purport as if he had been loosed
Out of hell to speak of horrors, he comes before me
I'd keep that dress if I were you!
- Mad for thy love?
O my Lord, I know not!
Why, this is the very ecstasy of love. I have found the cause of Hamlet’s lunacy
Since brevity is the soul of wit, I will be brief: he is mad
How does my good lord Hamlet?
- Well, God mercy! - Do you know me, my lord?
- Excellent well. You are a fishmonger - What do you read, my lord?
- Word, words, words - Though this be madness, yet there’s method in’t
Daddy, the players are here, and they said they wanna do a play-within-a-play
So you'd better come see what they want because they won't talk...
I am but mad north-northwest When the wind is southerly
I know a hawk from a hawk from a handsaw
I don't know...
I’ll have these players play something like the murder of my father before mine uncle
I’ll observe his looks. If he do but blench, I will know my course
The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king!
Shut up, please!
Shut up!
What part of "shut up!" don't you understand?
To be...
Austin, Austin, you can... turn on the lights for a second!
Did you do the "to be or not to be" speech?
Of course I didn't! They are laughing at me!
- They are not laughing at you! - They were laughing with you!
No, no! That guy right there! It was that guy right there!
Calm down, man! He's on drugs or something...
- (...) speech! - I know, I know, it's a, it's, it's...
I'm sorry about this, everybody! I think Austin is really...
You know, he takes this very seriously! I think emotionally it's maybe too much for him tonight
I think we'll just skip the "to be or not to be" speech
I'm sorry if anybody feels...
- Well, that's... - You shoulda thought about that before you laughed at him
This is the risk you take at live theatre Anything can happen, okay?
You know, like, if this was "Miss Saigon", Maybe the helicopter wouldn't come in
It's an overrated speech anyway, Hamlet is supposed to be thinking about killing his uncle
And, instead, Shakespeare is like "I'm contemplating suicide", you know?
We think it just weakens the character
It just makes some wishy washy
Right, so we'll skip to the play-within-a-play scene
Yeah, pergfect, okay, yeah! What we'll do is skip to the play-within-a-play scene
You guys do the setting I'll give Austin...
Whoa, and the nunnery speech of Hamlet?
Whoa, that piece of work speech, I think we should just cut it
I don't know, it's kind of important!
Okay, there is just this one speech that comes before the play-within-a-play scene
That just goes: "I have of late, but wherefore I know not
Lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercise, and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition
That this goodly frame, the Earth, seems to me a sterile promontory
This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament
This majestic roof fretted with golden fire
Why it appears to me no other than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors
What a piece of work is man; how noble in reason, how infinite in faculty
In form and moving how express and admirable
In action how like an angel In apprehension how like a god
The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals
Yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me?
Right, so we'll cut that speech, and go right to the killer
Guys, what about the "get thee to a nunnery" scene?
Let's just skip that one
Because "get thee to a nunnery" scene is an Ophelia scene, man!
And Ophelia is a dificult and complex character
No, no, she's not. No, it's, Ophelia is you in a wig, you know?
Anybody can play Ophelia, My mother could play Ophelia
That lady right there could play Ophelia
- Well, let's get her! - No, no...
Thank you so much!
We are going to perform...
No, no, no, wait. Whatcha doin'?
Getting that impostor out of here!
She's not an imposter!
You can't just throw her back, you know?
- I'll do it! - It's too late!
You got her up here, she's wearing this nice wig, it's gonna be fine! (It's my scene!)
It's my scene! What am I supposed to do? I'm... I'm like...
Just watch and learn, you know?
I'm watching? I'm learning? Is this what I'm supposed to do?
- You had your chance! - You come back, take that mic off!
- No, no! - This is stupid!
No, it will be fine! It will be great! Just watch!
You're just gonna do the scene with your new friend, and I'm supposed to...
- You had your chance! - We are gonna show you how simple it is, alright?
That's fine, I don't care! I think the show sucks anyway!
Oh, c'mon! It's not that big of a...
Thanks for breaking up the group, Yoko!
Bullshit!
I'm very sorry about that! Listen, thank you very much for helping us out!
- I'm sorry, what's your name? - Tiffany!
- Tiffany? - Tiffany!
That's, um, do you mind if we call you Bob?
That's just easier for us to remember
Um, anyway, um, the scene between Ophelia and Hamlet
- It's a very simple scene! - It's not a simple scene!
If you're gonna humiliate her, be honest with her!
We are not gonna humiliate her!
We are not humiliating anybody, you calm down!
You calm down! (You calm down!) You calm down, man!
You know, I'll, I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family, man!
You take your medicine! Okay!
- Uhhhh, get her! - Okay!
A little bit of background: Hamlet and Ophelia have had this relationship together in the past
Yeah, among everything that is going on with his mother, and is uncle, and his father, and...
He doesn't wanna deal with her anymore, alright?
He gets all worked up, and he tells her to get out of his life!
He says to her: "get thee to a nunnery!"
Alright, now, in our version of the scene, all that Ophelia does in response is: she screams!
- That's not all she does! - It's all she does!
- There is more to it than that! - No, there is not!
Hamlet says "get thee to a nunnery!", Ophelia screams, okay?
So, let's try that, alright? And I'll give you a cue, alright?
- Hey, good luck! - Hay, Adam!
I didn't touch her, she hit me with the shoulder!
- Oh, c'mon! - She started it, man!
She's provoking me since she came in here, that's all I'm saying!
- Sit down! - Okay, screw over, kid!
Okay, now are you all set? Alright, I'll give it to you, I'll, I'm sorry, let me...
Let me just step into the character here!
Get thee to a nunnery!
No, please, shut up, ladies and gentlemen!
- Hey, hey, I thought that was good! - Yeah, it was pretty good!
No, it sucked, man! Even the frame setting sucked!
I'm sorry I shout at you, I felt threatened 'cause they brought you up here to do my part, you are not an actress!
- Maybe - You think so? (Maybe)
I think not!
No, she showed a lot of heart, a lot of courage - as Shakespeare would say, chutzpah.
No, I think there was something lacking There was no inner life to the character
You know, there is little depth...
No, I know what you mean, that's actually very good note
- 'Cause, Bob, actors use what they call subtext - Yes, or inner module
Exactly, inner module, that's something you didn't have
And that's why your performance was just flat
No, but I think she showed promise, and I don't think we should let this go
I think this is like riding a bicycle, you fall off, you get on a horse, you just keep going, man!
In fact I think we should get everybody involved here for just a few seconds to workshop this, you know?
Like, um, bring up the house lights I think everybody should act on what is inside, the feels in his head for Bob
Help her understand the character like, like...
If we divide everybody into Ophelia's Ego and Superego!
Oh, yeah, yeah, like it's a Freudian analysis
With an union undertone (yes, yes!)
An Ego! We need an Ego! Let's get an Ego out there!
So, this gentleman is gonna represent your Ego!
Oh, this guy can play an Ego!
Very powerful lumberjack-like Ego!
At this point of the play, her Ego has become frightened, it's flighty, it's an Ego on the run
To symbolize the Ego on the run, why don't we have Bob here, I'm sorry, mind if I call you Bob?
Why don't we have Bob here symbolize the Ego on the run by running back and forth across the stage?
Yes, yes, just go...
Such an energy!
We have an Egomaniac here!
Okay, now, if you just hear her subconscious
Why don't we have everyone on the forth here in this folding chairs
Represent Ophelia's head for us
Now, at this point of the play, her id is confused, is wishy washy
It's a wash in a sea of alternatives
Oh, that was very... (Thank you, thank you very much!)
So, to represent this confused id, why don't we have everybody on these folding chair put both hands up your heads like this
And we are gonna say this, we are gonna say: "maybe, maybe not"
"Maybe, maybe not", "maybe, maybe not" "maybe, maybe not", (okay, good!)
Save it for later, okay!
Alright, you! third line, what's your problem?
Everybody is doing a great "maybe, maybe not", "maybe, maybe not"
He is like this
Does not play well with other children!
You know what that means, don't you, Bob?
That means that you'll have to do it all by yourself
C'mon, man! Get'em up! Get'em up! Great!
And don't worry about a thing, man! 'Cause nobody is looking, alright?
Okay, okay, let's hear him: "maybe, maybe not"
I feel a lot of love in this room
I don't know, maybe it's just the.. okay So we got the id, we got the Ego, we got a single misfiring greencell right here
It's great to know, why don't we get everybody behind the seats to be the Superego?
This is the final psychological componenet, the Superego
It's like all the struggling voices within your head telling you what to do
Very powerful voices that are very difficult to shake
Some people never shake them in the whole lifetime, you know?
So, like Catholicism or something
So why don't we, why don't we divide the Superego into three parts to symbolize the complexity
So if we get everyone from where Reed is indicating to my left to be Section A of the Superego
Everybody from Reed to where Austin is indicating to be Section B of the Superego
And everybody from Austin to my right, you're Section C
Yeah, it's not that difficult, is it? You got the idea!
Now, Section A, you're the masculine voice in Ophelia pyche, alright?
You're like the voice of all men in her life that have been bossing her around
And, um, we'll use Hamlet's line for this I'd like all of you to say "get thee to a nunnery!"
Let's give it a try, Section A: "Get thee to a nunnery!"
Section A, that was awful!
Please, people, work with me on this, we wanna make it very loud, very powerful, very stiking, Section A:
"Get thee to a nunnery!"
Oh, yeah, that was much less totally pathetic!
Okay, now Section B, you're the voice of Ophelia's libido, okay?
So, this is the part of the psiche that wants to be attracted to Hamlet
You're saying, "look, do something wth yourself", "for God sake, put some makeup or something!"
Just, no offense...
This is straight out of Shakesperian text, okay?
I'd like all of you to say, "Paint an inch thick!"
I think Section A could learn something from Section B
Possibly, they're small, but they're plaque
Now finally, Section C, we saved you for last because I think waht we'll do is use Section C
To draw this into a modern context because we wanna make Ophelia relevant to women of today
Maybe she wants power, but she doesn't wanna lose her femininity
She wanna be Corporate Executive, but, you know, she wants babies at the same time
She is tired of being pushed around by Hamlet, and she wants to assure herself
she feels like saying, “Look, cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!"
Whoa, whoa, wait, you know what...
Yeah, we'll have you say, "cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!"
Yeah, your mommy will explain it later, kid!
Biology class
So, let's give it a try, Section C:
"Cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!"
Alright, everybody, what I think we should do now is
We'll get all the psychological elements into play simultaneously, right?
id, Ego, Superego, biological clock, and the voices "maybe, maybe not!"
And your job as an actress, Bob, is to take all of this energy in
Synthesize it within your soul, right?
And, at that moment of truth, we'll build everyone into a might frenzy, then stop everything, all attention is to you
And you let out with that scream that epitomizes Ophelia
No problem!
- Well, we'll see! - Oh, she can't wait!
Everybody, let's all, okay, focus, please!
Alright, everyone? Let's all take a deep breath together!
Yeah, let it out, kid
He's turning grace, keep an eye on him!
Right, you stand back here!
Right (perfect!), yeah, right there!
Excellent! And remember, no matter what happens, act natural!
- Starting with the Ego! - The starting line here, Bob!
Alright, here we go! Okay, and...
On your marks!
Like a Colts you are, huh?
We are not gonna have to check you for steroids after this, are we?
I recognize you, you were on the East Germany women's track team
His name was Helga, I swear to God!
Glad to see they finally dropped, alright!
You know what I mean, alright!
Alright? On your mark, set, go! "Maybe, maybe not"
Section A
Section B
C
Stop!
It's just that you are beautiful, and erotic, and sensual!
I think we really shared something, didn't we?
But back to Hamlet, Act III, Scene II, the famous “play-within-a-play scene”
In which Hamlet discovers conclusive evidence that his uncle murdered his father
“Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue
Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, and hold, as ‘twere, the mirror up to nature
- Will my lord hear this piece of work? - Aye, and the king, too, presently
And now, how does my cousin Hamlet, and my son?
A little more than kin, and less than kind
I have nothing with this answer, Hamlet; these words are not mine
- My lord, have a seat - Alright, I'll seat here
Screw over, kid! I'm doing ya'
Hey, good show, huh?
My lord, the Royal Theatre of Denmark is proud to present "The Murder of Gonzago"
Bravo, bravo, yeah, uhu!
Oh, it's a puppet show! I love it! I love it!
My lord, Act I
Hubba hubba
Hey, hey, no, no, no. Hey, hey!
Oh, the wheels on the bus go round and round....
Okay, I'm sorry... I didn't...
- How likes my lord the play? - The lady doth protest too much, methinks!
Haha, whoa, she protests too much, get it?
Get it? Get it? Whoa. She doesn't get it. That's okay!
(I'll explain it later) My lord, Act II
Gesundheit!
I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pound!
My lord, the queen would speak with you in her closet
- Then will I come to my mother - Behind the arras I’ll convey myself to hear the process
- Now, mother, what’s the matter? - Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended
- Mother, you have my father much offended - What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? Help!
Help! Help!
How now? A rat!
Nooooo... noooooo...
It will hurt...
I told you so...
Dead for a ducat, aww
- Where's Polonius? - At supper!
- At supper? Where? - Not where he eats, but where he is eaten
- O no, it’s Laertes! - Son of Polonius
- Brother to Ophelia! - And a snappy dresser!
Why, thanks. O, thou vile king! Give me my father! How came he dead?
I’ll be revenged for Polonius’s murder!
How now, what noise is this?
Dear maid, kind sister, sweet, Ophelia!
I'm mad! I'm out of my tiny little mind!
I'm screwy-louie, I'm... See, this is acting!
Here’s rue for you, here is rosemary for remembrance
and I would have given you violets, but they withered all when my father died
I’m starting to feel a little nauseous here
I'm about to die!
Hamlet comes back. What would I undertake to show myself, my father's son, in deed...
Wait, hold on, Reed, before you go on to the next scene with Ophelia
There's no more scenes with Ophelia
- C'mon, I'm up for it! - No, that's all Shakespeare wrote!
- What happens to her? - She drowns!
- Okay, cool! - Okay!
To cut his throat in the church; I'll do that, and I'll anoint my sword...
I’ll anoint my sword with an unction so mortal that where it draws blood
No cataplasm can save the thing from this compulsion
I don't know what it means either!
This skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once
but then came the Nutrisystem Weight Loss Program!
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him!
But soft! Here comes the queen! Couch me awhile, and mark!
Lay her in the earth; and from her fair and unpolluted flesh, may violets spring
Sweets to the sweet Ophelia. Farewell!
Hold off the earth awhile, ‘till I have caught her once more in mine arms
What is he worse grief bears such an emphasis? Haya! This is I, Hamlet the great Dane!
I will fight with him until my eyelids no longer wag
The cat will mew, and the dog will have his day. Come! Give us the foils!
- Come, one for me! - Now be careful. Those are sharp!
- Come, sir! - Come, my lord!
Look! Amelia Earhart!
- Where? - There!
One! (No!) Judgement?
A hit, a hit; a very palpable hit!
Yeah, Hamlet, drink off this cup!
- Nay! - Yeah, Hamlet, drink off this cup!
Nay, set it by awhile, mother! Father, uncle, whatever the hell you are...
Come again, Laertes!
- Another hit, what say you? - A touch, a touch, I do confess!
- O take this! (No!) - The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet
- Madam, do not drink! - I will, my lord. I pray you pardon me
It is the poisoned cup! It is too late!
Come again, Laertes!
For the third!
- How fair is the Queen? - She swoons to see thee bleed
No. The drink! The drink! I am poisoned!
O villainy! Treachery! Seek it out!
It is here, Hamlet. Here I lie, never to rise again I can no more. The king. The king’s to blame
What? The point envenom'd too? Then, venom, to thy work!
Here, thou murd'rous, incestuous... cross-dressing Dane: Follow my mother!
Forgive me, Hamlet. I am justly killed by mine own treachery
Heaven make thee free of it... I follow thee!
You that look pale, or tremble at this chance That are but mutes, or audience to this act
If ever thou did’st hold me in thy hearts Absent thee from felicity awhile
And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain To tell my story... The rest is silence!
Ladies and gentlemen, we shall have an encore!
Okay, thank you! We got about 3 more minutes
so we are gonna go through Hamlet one more time very quickly for you
I just need to make one quick announcement because we have a few children here tonight
As we go through this, we are gonna be moving very fast this time
Now, there's a lot of sharp swords that we use, there's falls that we take
There's props that we send flying back and forth, we make it look easy
But it's actually very difficult and very dangerous, so...
As you watch us do it, please, keep in mind that the 3 of us are trained professionals, okay?
Do not try this at home!
Right, kid?
Yeah, go over to a friend's house, it's much safer...
- O that this too too solid flesh would melt - My lord, I think I saw your father yesternight
- Would the night were come - Mark me!
- Something is rotten in the state of Denmark - Revenge my murder
My lord, this is strange
Well, there are more things in heaven and earth, so piss off
To be or not to be, that is the question...
Get thee to a nunnery!
Speak the speech, trippingly on the tongue
I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pound. Now, mother, what’s the matter?
Thou wilt not murder me. Help!
Help! Help!
How now, a rat! Dead for a ducat, dead!
- Now, Hamlet, where’s Polonius? - At supper
- Where is my father? - Dead!
Sweet Ophelia!
Alas, poor Yorick! But soft, here comes the Queen
- Lay her in the earth! - Sweet to the sweet
- Hold off the earth awhile - It is I, Omelet the cheese Danish
- The devil take thy soul! - Give us the foils!
- One for me. O! I am slain! - O, I am poisoned!
I follow thee. The rest is silence!
Ladies and gentlemen, we shall do it... faster!
O my brain!
Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a fantastic audience. We shall do it... backwards!
I got caught up in the moment!
How the hell is that gonna work?
This could be you!
Oh, yeah, be sure to listen for the satanic messages
Silence is rest the. Thee follow I
Frank Sinatra is gone!
Slain am I O!
Foils the us give. Dane the Hamlet, I is this
- Earth the off hold - Sweet the to sweets
- Earth the in her lay - Queen the comes here. Yorick poor, alas
Ophelia sweet!
- Father my is where? - Dead. Ducat a for dead
Tongue the on trippingly speech the speak
Nunnery a to thee get!
- Lord my good - Be to not or be to
Off piss, Horatio, earth and heaven in things more are there
Strange is this, lord my
Denmark of state the in rotten is something
Yesternight father your saw I think I, Lord my
Melt would flesh solid too too this that O
You thank!
Thank you!