0:00:24.038,0:00:25.678 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen 0:00:25.678,0:00:27.105 Welcome to the Criterion Theatre 0:00:27.105,0:00:30.309 And to the tonight's performance by[br]the Reduced Shakespeare Company 0:00:30.309,0:00:32.994 I have a few brief announcements[br]before we get underway 0:00:32.994,0:00:34.509 The use of flash photography 0:00:34.509,0:00:37.781 Or the recording of this show[br]by any means - audio or video 0:00:37.781,0:00:40.285 Is prohibited by management 0:00:40.299,0:00:44.362 Also please refrain from eating,[br]drinking or smoking anything 0:00:44.362,0:00:45.718 In the theatre. 0:00:45.718,0:00:47.352 Please take a moment now to locate 0:00:47.352,0:00:49.076 The exit nearest your seat. 0:00:51.369,0:00:53.997 Should the theatre experience[br]a sudden loss of pressure 0:00:53.997,0:00:56.782 Oxygen masks will drop automatically. 0:00:56.782,0:00:59.021 Simply place the mask[br]over your nose and mouth 0:00:59.021,0:01:00.950 And continue to breath normally. 0:01:00.950,0:01:03.048 If you are at the theatre[br]with a small child, 0:01:03.048,0:01:05.062 Please, place your own mask on first, 0:01:05.062,0:01:08.429 And let the little[br]bugger fend for himself. 0:01:08.430,0:01:11.209 At this time, I'd like[br]to introduce myself. 0:01:11.209,0:01:13.899 My name is Reed Martin of the[br]Reduced Shakespeare Company 0:01:13.899,0:01:16.435 And this evening, we are[br]going to attempt a feat 0:01:16.435,0:01:18.891 Which we believe to be unprecedented 0:01:18.891,0:01:20.780 In the history of theatre. 0:01:20.780,0:01:23.804 That is to capture, in a[br]single theatrical performance, 0:01:23.804,0:01:27.927 The magic, the genius,[br]the towering grandeur, 0:01:27.927,0:01:30.816 Of the complete works[br]of William Shakespeare. 0:01:30.816,0:01:33.481 Now we've got a lot[br]to get through tonight, 0:01:33.481,0:01:36.533 So at this time, I'd like to introduce[br]a member of the company 0:01:36.533,0:01:39.954 Who is one of California's[br]preeminent Shakespearian scholars. 0:01:39.954,0:01:43.566 He has a bachelor's degree from[br]the University of California at Berkely 0:01:43.576,0:01:47.047 Where I believe he read two[br]books about William Shakespeare 0:01:47.047,0:01:50.273 He is here tonight to give us a brief[br]preface to the complete works 0:01:50.273,0:01:51.899 Of William Shakespeare Abridged: 0:01:51.899,0:01:53.460 Please welcome me in joining 0:01:53.460,0:01:55.207 Mr. Austin Tichenor! 0:02:00.567,0:02:05.049 Thank thee. Thanks! Thank you. 0:02:06.299,0:02:08.780 Thank you, and good evening,[br]ladies and gentlemen 0:02:10.160,0:02:12.164 William Shakespeare. 0:02:12.164,0:02:15.035 Playwright, poet, actor, philosopher. 0:02:15.083,0:02:17.698 A man whose creative and literary genius 0:02:17.771,0:02:19.819 Has had immeasurably profound influence 0:02:19.859,0:02:23.569 Upon the consciousness and culture[br]of the entire English speaking world 0:02:24.979,0:02:28.029 And yet, how much do we really know? 0:02:28.270,0:02:30.191 I mean, how much do we really appreciate 0:02:30.191,0:02:32.277 The tremendous body of work contained 0:02:32.384,0:02:34.636 In this single volume? 0:02:37.412,0:02:39.908 Well, not enough is the answer 0:02:39.908,0:02:43.674 And I believe I can illustrate this by[br]giving a brief poll amongst the audience. 0:02:43.674,0:02:47.248 Bob, can I get some[br]House lights on please? 0:02:47.282,0:02:51.242 Oh, yes. Now, you're[br]a theatre-going crowd 0:02:51.242,0:02:54.149 No doubt of an above average[br]cultural and literary awareness 0:02:54.149,0:02:56.142 And yet, if I could just[br]have a brief show of hands: 0:02:56.142,0:03:00.120 How many of you have ever seen[br]or read any play by William Shakespeare? 0:03:00.120,0:03:02.235 Any play at all by the Bard?[br]Just raise your hand 0:03:02.235,0:03:03.817 It doesn't matter which... 0:03:03.817,0:03:05.363 We better get out of here,[br]they don't know... 0:03:09.209,0:03:12.508 Austin, they don't know[br]Shakespeare from shinola 0:03:12.508,0:03:15.319 Just keep going. Narrow it down. 0:03:17.006,0:03:19.461 Let's see if we can narrow[br]it down a bit, shall we? 0:03:19.461,0:03:23.960 Um, how many of you have ever[br]seen or read All's Well That Ends Well? 0:03:23.960,0:03:26.348 All's Well, anyone? 0:03:26.348,0:03:30.505 Yes, so that seems to be separating[br]the wheat from the chaff rather nicely 0:03:30.505,0:03:34.619 Let's see if we can find out who the true[br]Shakespeare trivia champs are here tonight 0:03:34.619,0:03:38.340 How many of you have ever seen[br]or read King John? King John in... 0:03:40.550,0:03:45.656 Oh yeah, right. Well would you[br]mind telling us what it's all about? 0:03:45.656,0:03:49.563 No, no, don't ask her,[br]no, no, no, I'm... I'm talking... 0:03:49.572,0:03:52.366 Ladies and gentlemen, you laugh, you scoff 0:03:52.400,0:03:57.058 but let he or she among you who is[br]free from sin live in a glass house 0:03:57.058,0:04:02.178 I submit to you. I submit to you that our[br]society's collective capacity to comprehend 0:04:02.178,0:04:05.059 much less attain the[br]genius of William Shakespeare 0:04:05.059,0:04:07.455 Has been systematically[br]compromised by computers 0:04:07.455,0:04:09.375 Vandalized by video games 0:04:09.375,0:04:12.222 And annihilated by[br]Andrew Lloyd Webber 0:04:13.162,0:04:16.632 But have no fear. The Reduced[br]Shakespeare Company is here 0:04:16.632,0:04:19.981 We descend among you on a mission[br]from God and the literary Muse 0:04:19.981,0:04:23.273 To spread the holy word[br]of the Bard to the masses 0:04:23.273,0:04:25.947 To help you take those[br]first, faltering steps 0:04:25.947,0:04:30.754 Out of the twentieth century quagmire[br]of fresh frozen fast food culture 0:04:30.754,0:04:33.602 And into the future! A glorious future. 0:04:33.602,0:04:38.867 A future in which this book will be[br]found in every hotel room in the world! 0:04:39.774,0:04:45.207 That is my dream! Yes! Yes![br]Thank you! Thank you! 0:04:49.887,0:04:53.583 Yes, I feel as if I'm[br]preaching to the converted 0:04:53.583,0:04:56.871 Can I get an AMEN? [Amen!] 0:04:56.923,0:05:00.888 Oh, thank you Jesus! That's my dream![br]And it begins tonight 0:05:00.888,0:05:05.326 Join us, join us in taking those[br]first steps down the path 0:05:05.326,0:05:08.304 Towards the brave new[br]world of intellectual redemption 0:05:08.304,0:05:15.564 By opening your hearts, please, please,[br]open your hearts, and your pocket books 0:05:15.564,0:05:19.273 Please, c'mon now, we accept any[br]denomination, any currency at all 0:05:19.273,0:05:22.153 Anything except the Euro. We[br]have no idea what that is all about 0:05:22.153,0:05:26.017 Y'know. C'mon, man, give us[br]your ca - give us your cash 0:05:26.017,0:05:28.861 If we be friends, and deduct[br]it when the tax year ends! 0:05:28.861,0:05:33.279 And now on with the show. Let us bring[br]it to ya', put some love in your hearts 0:05:33.292,0:05:36.152 Gimme a Hallelujah! [Hallelujah!] 0:05:36.152,0:05:38.732 Oh, may the Bard be with you 0:05:38.732,0:05:40.584 Good night, thank you 0:05:52.093,0:05:53.980 Those of you who[br]own a copy of this book 0:05:53.980,0:05:57.925 Know that no volume is complete without a[br]brief biography of William Shakespeare 0:05:57.925,0:05:59.706 Providing this portion of the performance 0:05:59.706,0:06:02.381 will be the third member of the[br]Reduced Shakespeare Company 0:06:02.381,0:06:05.796 Please welcome to the stage,[br]Mr. Adam Long! 0:06:12.727,0:06:14.627 Oh, shit 0:06:14.627,0:06:16.512 No, no, let me get it, they go in order 0:06:16.512,0:06:18.221 So just let me get... I got it. 0:06:18.221,0:06:21.213 Okay, what I did was I've just written a[br]few notes on Shakespeare's life 0:06:21.220,0:06:23.351 Just to get the show off to a good start 0:06:23.351,0:06:26.980 Just so like everybody can know[br]all the stuff that he did and everything 0:06:26.980,0:06:30.693 As you can see, I'm not actually an[br]audience member, I completely fooled you 0:06:33.013,0:06:38.913 Okay. Okay. William Shakespeare 0:06:41.653,0:06:46.830 William Shakespeare was born in 1564 in the[br]town of Stratford-Upon-Avon, Warwickshire 0:06:46.830,0:06:50.371 The third of eight children he was[br]the eldest son of John Shakespeare 0:06:50.371,0:06:54.140 a locally prominent merchant,[br]and Mary Arden, daughter of a Roman... 0:06:55.692,0:06:58.306 Catholic member of the Landed Gentry. 0:06:58.306,0:07:01.068 In 1582, he married Anne Hathaway 0:07:01.068,0:07:03.395 Shakespeare arrived in London in 1588 0:07:03.395,0:07:07.865 And by 1592, he had achieved[br]success as an actor and a playwright 0:07:07.865,0:07:13.249 After 1608, his dramatic production lessened, and[br]it seems that he spent more time in Stratford 0:07:13.249,0:07:16.904 There he dictated to his secretary,[br]Rudolf Hess, the work Mein Kampf... 0:07:24.044,0:07:28.642 In which he set forth this program for the restoration[br]of Germany to a dominant position in Europe 0:07:29.472,0:07:33.360 After reoccupying the Rhineland Zone between[br]France and Germany and annexing Austria, 0:07:33.360,0:07:37.252 the Sudetenland, and the[br]remainder of Czechoslovakia... 0:07:41.121,0:07:45.939 Shakespeare invaded Poland[br]on September 1, 1939 0:07:47.229,0:07:49.132 Thus precipitating World War II 0:07:50.402,0:07:52.051 I never knew that before 0:07:52.371,0:07:53.564 Okay, okay 0:07:53.764,0:07:57.849 Shakespeare remained in Berlin when the[br]Russians entered the city on April 1, 1945 0:07:57.849,0:08:00.995 And committed suicide[br]with his mistress, Eva Peron. 0:08:03.045,0:08:05.066 He lies buried in the church at Stratford 0:08:05.066,0:08:07.744 Thank you very much, that's all I've got 0:08:15.014,0:08:18.503 And now, without further ado, the Reduced[br]Shakespeare Company is proud to prevent 0:08:18.503,0:08:20.983 the Complete Works of William Shakespeare: 0:08:20.983,0:08:22.191 Abridged! 0:08:28.624,0:08:34.022 All the world's a stage, and all the[br]men and women merely players 0:08:34.022,0:08:40.282 They have their exits and their entrances,[br]and one man in his time plays many parts 0:08:41.412,0:08:44.787 One man in his time plays[br]many parts: how true! 0:08:44.787,0:08:48.779 Ladies and gentlemen, where better to[br]begin our exploration into the complete 0:08:48.787,0:08:52.335 works of the greatest of all English[br]playwrights than in Verona, Italy 0:08:52.335,0:08:56.489 With two of his most beloved[br]characters, Romeo and Juliet! 0:08:56.489,0:09:01.195 Now, Adam and Reed are going to assist me by[br]portraying all the major characters in Romeo and Juliet 0:09:01.195,0:09:04.416 While I fill in with bits of crucial narration. 0:09:04.416,0:09:06.531 We begin with the prologue. 0:09:09.061,0:09:11.317 Two households, both alike in dignity, in 0:09:11.317,0:09:13.803 fair Verona, where we lay our scene, from 0:09:13.803,0:09:16.004 ancient grudge breaks a new mutiny, where 0:09:16.004,0:09:19.160 civil blood makes civil hands unclean. 0:09:19.160,0:09:21.136 From forth the fatal loins of these two 0:09:21.136,0:09:23.334 foes, a pair of star-crossed lovers take 0:09:23.334,0:09:26.216 their life. Huah! Whose misadventure 0:09:26.216,0:09:29.258 piteous o'erthrows, do, with their death, 0:09:29.258,0:09:32.357 bury their parents' strife.[br]Thank you very much 0:09:40.457,0:09:44.749 Act 1, Scene 1. In the street[br]meet two men, tall and handsome 0:09:44.749,0:09:48.146 One, Benvolio. The other named Sampson 0:09:48.146,0:09:54.165 Their hatred fueled by an ancient feud,[br]for one serves Capulet, the other, Montague-d. 0:09:59.090,0:10:00.490 Oh, it's him. I hate him, 0:10:00.490,0:10:02.520 his family, hate his dog, hate 'em all. 0:10:04.781,0:10:06.031 Do you bite your thumb at me, sir? 0:10:06.031,0:10:07.591 No, sir, I do but bite my thumb. 0:10:07.591,0:10:08.891 Do you bite your thumb at me, sir? 0:10:08.891,0:10:10.641 No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir 0:10:10.645,0:10:12.495 but I do but bite my thumb. Do you quarrel, sir? 0:10:12.495,0:10:13.935 Quarrel, sir? No, sir! 0:10:13.935,0:10:16.665 But if you do, sir, I am for you,[br]a serve as good a man as you. 0:10:16.668,0:10:17.768 Hah! No better. 0:10:17.768,0:10:19.328 Yes. Better. 0:10:22.945,0:10:24.105 You lie! 0:10:36.599,0:10:37.789 Montague! 0:10:46.346,0:10:49.016 I'm twisting your hand! Argh! 0:10:49.016,0:10:50.756 This is really gonna hurt you! 0:10:50.756,0:10:52.986 Rebellious subjects! 0:10:52.986,0:10:54.246 Uh-oh, it's the Prince! 0:10:54.246,0:10:57.556 Enemies to the peace, profaners[br]of this neighbor-stainéd steel 0:10:57.556,0:10:59.336 You, Capulet, shall go along with me. 0:10:59.336,0:11:02.906 Benvolio, come you this afternoon to[br]know our farther pleasure in this case. 0:11:05.856,0:11:07.176 Sorry 0:11:09.325,0:11:12.446 Oh, where is Romeo? Saw you him today, 0:11:12.446,0:11:14.866 Right glad I am, he was not at this fray. 0:11:14.866,0:11:16.536 Ah, but see, he comes! 0:11:21.080,0:11:23.070 Romeo, he cried, I will know his grievance, 0:11:23.070,0:11:24.870 Or be much denied. Good morrow, cuz. 0:11:24.870,0:11:26.240 Is the day so young? 0:11:26.240,0:11:27.400 But new struck nine. 0:11:27.400,0:11:28.830 Ay, me. Sad hours seem long. 0:11:28.830,0:11:30.640 What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours? 0:11:30.640,0:11:32.710 Not having that which,[br]having, makes them short. 0:11:32.712,0:11:33.362 In love? 0:11:33.362,0:11:33.672 Out. 0:11:33.672,0:11:34.342 Of love? 0:11:34.342,0:11:35.532 Out of her favor, where I am in love. 0:11:35.532,0:11:37.752 Alas, that love, so gentle in his view, 0:11:37.752,0:11:38.832 Should be so rough and tyrannous in proof. 0:11:38.832,0:11:40.262 Alas that love, whose view is muffled 0:11:40.262,0:11:43.142 Still, should without eyes[br]see pathways to his will. 0:11:43.715,0:11:44.415 Oh! 0:11:45.126,0:11:46.906 Go ye to the feast of Capulets. 0:11:46.906,0:11:51.276 There sups the fair Rosalind whom thou so lovest[br]with all the admired beauties of Verona. 0:11:51.276,0:11:55.276 Go thither, and compare her face[br]with some that I shall show, oh baby 0:11:55.291,0:11:58.831 And I shall make thee think thy swan a crow. 0:11:58.831,0:12:04.121 I'll go along! No such sight to be shown,[br]but to rejoice in splendor of mine own. 0:12:06.620,0:12:08.840 And, so much for Act 1 0:12:17.469,0:12:18.549 It wasn't that good. 0:12:19.177,0:12:23.947 Now to the feast of Capulet, where[br]Romeo is doomed to meet his Juliet 0:12:23.947,0:12:29.527 And where, in a scene of timeless romance,[br]he'll try to get into Juliet's pants. 0:12:34.647,0:12:40.097 Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn[br]bright. Did my heart love 'till now? 0:12:40.097,0:12:43.887 Forswear it, sight. For I ne'er[br]saw true beauty 'till this night. 0:12:43.887,0:12:47.817 If I profane with my unworthiest hand,[br]this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: 0:12:47.817,0:12:53.227 My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand[br]to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss 0:12:53.227,0:12:56.907 Oh, good pilgrim you do wrung your hands[br]too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this. 0:12:56.913,0:13:01.063 For saints have hands that pilgims' hands do touch,[br]and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss. 0:13:01.063,0:13:02.713 Have not saints lips and holy palmers too? 0:13:02.713,0:13:04.293 Ay, pilgrim. Lips they must use in prayer. 0:13:04.293,0:13:06.493 Oh then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do 0:13:06.493,0:13:08.333 Saints do not move,[br]though grant for prayer's sake. 0:13:08.333,0:13:09.793 Then move not, while[br]my prayer's effect I take. 0:13:09.793,0:13:12.513 Then from my lips the[br]sin that they have took. 0:13:12.513,0:13:15.263 Oh, sin from my lips? Trespass,[br]sweetly urged. Give me my sin again! 0:13:15.263,0:13:17.773 - Look, I don't wanna kiss you, man.[br]- Look, it's on the script. 0:13:17.777,0:13:19.567 I don't care, God, I just... 0:13:30.099,0:13:32.339 Um, you kiss by the book 0:13:32.339,0:13:37.379 - Oh, coming Mother...[br]- Is she a Capulet? 0:13:37.379,0:13:40.139 Ay, so I fear. The more is my unrest. 0:13:40.139,0:13:41.699 Just pretend you're not there. 0:13:43.079,0:13:44.439 What are you doing? 0:13:45.477,0:13:46.587 The balcony scene. 0:13:46.587,0:13:51.024 Oh. Um. But soft! What light[br]through yonder window breaks? 0:13:51.024,0:13:53.054 Oh, Romeo, Romeo,[br]wherefore art thou, Romeo? 0:13:53.054,0:13:56.704 Deny thy father and refuse thy name[br]or if thou wilt not be but sworn my love 0:13:56.704,0:13:58.944 And I'll no longer be a Capulet. [Snort.] 0:14:00.547,0:14:05.337 Okay, what's in a name, anyway? That which we[br]call a nose by any other name could still smell 0:14:05.337,0:14:10.807 So Romeo, what, oh, Romeo doth thy name,[br]and for thy name which is no part of thee take all my self 0:14:10.809,0:14:11.779 Okay, there is 0:14:12.373,0:14:16.153 I take thee at thy word. Call me but love,[br]and I shall be new baptized 0:14:16.153,0:14:18.453 Henceforth I shall never be Romeo 0:14:18.453,0:14:21.893 But men art thou. Art thou[br]not Romeo, and a Montague? 0:14:21.893,0:14:25.203 - Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike.[br]- Dost thou love me, then? 0:14:25.203,0:14:30.223 I know thou wilt say I and I will take thy word,[br]yet if thou swearest thou may as prove false 0:14:30.223,0:14:33.833 Oh, Romeo, if thou dost love,[br]pronounce it faithfully 0:14:33.833,0:14:37.263 - Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear[br]- Swear not by the moon! 0:14:43.266,0:14:45.486 What shall I swear by, then? 0:14:45.486,0:14:48.516 I don't know. Not the moon. How 'bout her? 0:14:48.516,0:14:52.206 - Swear by her[br]- Lady, by yonder blessed virgin, I swear 0:14:55.215,0:14:56.865 I don't think so. No. 0:14:59.641,0:15:03.821 No, no, do not swear at all, though I joy[br]in thee, I have no joy in this contract tonight 0:15:03.821,0:15:07.301 It is too rash, too sudden,[br]too inadvised; too like the lightning 0:15:07.301,0:15:10.155 Which doth cease to be[br]'ere one can say it lightens 0:15:10.155,0:15:13.015 - Oh, Romeo[br]- Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? 0:15:13.015,0:15:17.285 - What satisfaction canst thou have?[br]- The exchange of thy most faithful vows for mine 0:15:17.285,0:15:19.615 Oh, I did give it thee before[br]thou didst request it 0:15:19.615,0:15:22.235 Three words, gentle Romeo,[br]and then good night indeed 0:15:22.235,0:15:27.665 If that thy bent of love be honorable, thy purpose[br]marriage, Send Word Tomorrow. One, Two, Three. 0:15:27.665,0:15:31.115 Good night, good night,[br]parting is such sweet sorrow 0:15:31.702,0:15:32.802 Bye-bye. 0:15:41.986,0:15:44.686 Sleep well in thine eyes,[br]peace in thy breasts 0:15:44.686,0:15:48.146 Oh, that I were sleep and[br]peace, so sweet to rest 0:15:56.261,0:16:00.821 Lo, Romeo did swoon with love.[br]By Cupid, he'd been crippled 0:16:01.738,0:16:06.988 But Juliet had a loathsome curse,[br]whose loathsome name was Tybalt 0:16:07.470,0:16:11.080 Romeo! The love I bear thee can afford[br]no better trim than this: thou art a villain 0:16:11.080,0:16:12.730 Therefore turn and draw! 0:16:12.730,0:16:15.740 Tybalt, I do protest! I never injured thee,[br]but love thee, better than thou give 0:16:15.740,0:16:17.840 Oh, thou wretched boy, I aim for you! 0:16:17.840,0:16:19.100 Oh, I am slain. 0:16:37.408,0:16:41.588 Moving right along.[br]From Tybalt's death onward 0:16:41.588,0:16:45.108 The lovers are cursed. Despite[br]the best efforts of the friar and nurse 0:16:45.108,0:16:48.078 Their fate persues them;[br]they can't seem to duck it 0:16:50.274,0:16:53.454 And at the end of Act 5,[br]they both kick the bucket 0:16:56.307,0:17:01.057 Gallop a pace, you firey-footed steeds![br]And bring in cloudy night immediately. 0:17:01.057,0:17:04.647 Come, night, come civil night,[br]come Romeo, thou day and night 0:17:04.647,0:17:08.877 Come gentle night, come loving black proud night[br]Oh, night, night, night, night 0:17:09.967,0:17:11.727 Come, come, come, come, come 0:17:15.481,0:17:17.631 I didn't write it! 0:17:18.491,0:17:19.781 And bring me my Romeo! 0:17:21.467,0:17:23.007 Tuck your boobies in. 0:17:26.901,0:17:28.341 Oh, can heaven be so envious! 0:17:28.341,0:17:30.981 Oh, Romeo, Romeo, who[br]would have thought it, Romeo? 0:17:30.981,0:17:34.361 What devil art thou to torment me, thus?[br]It's actually rude to torment me 0:17:35.456,0:17:37.306 Is Romeo gone and Tybalt slain? 0:17:37.306,0:17:40.266 No, Juliet, Tybalt is gone,[br]and Romeo is banished 0:17:40.268,0:17:42.738 Romeo, who killed[br]Tybalt, he is banished 0:17:42.738,0:17:46.738 Oh, God. Did Romeo's[br]hand shed Tybalt's blood? 0:17:46.738,0:17:49.148 It did, it did,[br]alas the day, it did 0:17:58.248,0:17:59.228 Thank you so much. 0:17:59.228,0:18:00.268 Now Romeo lives 0:18:04.271,0:18:06.891 Now Romeo lives who Tybalt[br]would have slain, and Tybalt is dead 0:18:06.891,0:18:09.361 He that would have killed my husband 0:18:09.361,0:18:10.701 Oh, friar Laurence! 0:18:10.701,0:18:15.511 Juliet, I already know thy grief. Take now[br]this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou of 0:18:15.511,0:18:18.501 And presently through all thy veins,[br]shall run a cold and drowsy humor 0:18:18.501,0:18:21.621 Oh, I feel a cold and drowsy humor[br]running through my veins, Obi Wan 0:18:47.239,0:18:48.819 Just say no! 0:18:53.795,0:18:55.915 Oh, no! 0:19:06.767,0:19:13.757 Oh my love, my wife, death that has set the honey[br]of thy breath hath no power yet upon thy beauty 0:19:13.757,0:19:16.067 - Why art thou yet so fair?[br]- I don't know 0:19:17.526,0:19:20.256 Shall I believe that[br]unsubstantial death is amorous? 0:19:20.256,0:19:22.326 To keep me here in the dark,[br]to be his paramour? 0:19:23.016,0:19:24.966 Here's to my love. 0:19:24.966,0:19:28.306 Oh, true apothecary,[br]thy drugs are quick 0:19:28.306,0:19:31.496 Thus with a kiss, I die 0:19:42.348,0:19:44.188 Thus, with a kiss... 0:19:47.609,0:19:51.449 Get over it...[br]I die. 0:19:55.499,0:19:58.279 Good morning![br]Where, oh, where is my love? 0:19:59.741,0:20:03.701 What's this? Poison, I see,[br]hath been my true love's timeless end 0:20:03.701,0:20:07.701 Oh, churl, drunk all and left no[br]friendly drop to help me after 0:20:08.491,0:20:11.671 Then I'll be brief.[br]Happy dagger this is thy sheath! 0:20:16.530,0:20:18.770 That's Romeo for ya' 0:20:43.950,0:20:45.830 Oh, my head! 0:20:47.591,0:20:49.691 Oh, my brain! 0:20:52.955,0:20:56.735 There rust, and let me die! 0:20:56.735,0:21:04.295 Epilogue: A glooming peace, this morning with it brings,[br]the sun, for sorrow, will not show its head 0:21:04.295,0:21:10.865 Go forth, to have more talk of these sad things.[br]Some shall be pardoned, and some, punished 0:21:10.865,0:21:18.255 For never was it there a story of more woah[br]than this of Juliet and her Romeo 0:21:18.255,0:21:25.385 And Romeo and Juliet are dead! 0:21:46.662,0:21:50.612 Ladies and gentlemen, in preparing this[br]unprecedented complete works show 0:21:50.612,0:21:56.972 We've encountered the difficulty of trying to make these[br]four-hundred year old plays accessible to a modern audience 0:21:56.972,0:22:00.952 Now, one popular trend is to transpose[br]Shakespeare's tales into modern settings 0:22:00.952,0:22:03.852 And we've seen evidence of this with[br]productions of Shakespeare's plays 0:22:03.852,0:22:10.392 Set in such unusual locations as the lunar landscape,[br]Nazi prisoner of war camps, and even Vancouver 0:22:10.392,0:22:18.102 Now - God bless you - in this vein, Austin[br]has traced the roots of Shakespeare's symbolism 0:22:18.102,0:22:21.742 In the context of a pre-Nietzschian society 0:22:21.742,0:22:26.212 Through the totality of a[br]jejune circular relationship of form 0:22:26.212,0:22:29.182 Contrasted with the complete[br]otherness of metaphysical cosmologies 0:22:29.182,0:22:33.822 And the ethical mores entrenched in the[br]collective subconscious of an agrarian race 0:22:33.822,0:22:38.452 So, we now present Shakespeare's first tragedy,[br]Titus Andronicus, as a cooking program 0:22:41.583,0:22:43.503 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen 0:22:43.503,0:22:45.993 Good evening, gourmets 0:22:45.993,0:22:50.063 And welcome to Roman Meals.[br]I'm your host, Titus Andronicus. Now look 0:22:50.063,0:22:53.513 When you've had a long day,[br]your left hand chopped off 0:22:54.222,0:22:57.422 Your sons murdered,[br]your daughter raped 0:22:57.422,0:23:00.012 Her tongue cut out,[br]both her hands chopped off 0:23:01.217,0:23:04.387 Well, the last thing you wanna do is cook,[br]you know what I mean? 0:23:04.387,0:23:09.377 Unless of course, you cook the rapist[br]and serve him to his mother at the dinner party 0:23:10.273,0:23:13.793 My daughter, Lavinia, and I will show you how![br]Good evening Lavinia! 0:23:20.307,0:23:22.507 And how are we feeling today? 0:23:22.507,0:23:25.177 Not so good, I got my tongue chopped out. 0:23:26.401,0:23:28.601 I know, it's a pisser, isn't it? 0:23:28.601,0:23:30.281 But we'll have our revenge, won't we? 0:23:30.281,0:23:34.671 Now, hark villain, I will grind your bones to dust,[br]and of your blood in it I'll make a paste 0:23:34.671,0:23:39.031 and of that paste a coffin I will rear,[br]and make a pasty of your shameful head 0:23:39.226,0:23:41.446 - Come, Lavinia, receive the blood[br]- Okey-dokey 0:23:41.446,0:23:46.056 Now first thing you wanna do is make a nice clean[br]incision from the carotid artery to the jugular vein 0:23:46.056,0:23:49.526 - Like so[br]- Oh, that's gross 0:23:49.526,0:23:51.706 Yeah. Now, be sure to use a big bowl 0:23:51.706,0:23:54.106 Because the human body's got[br]about four quarts of blood in it 0:23:54.106,0:23:57.306 And you don't wanna miss[br]a single drop; forget about it 0:23:57.656,0:24:01.656 Now, whenever he's dead, which should be, now 0:24:01.656,0:24:04.466 I will grind his bones into powder small, 0:24:04.466,0:24:09.446 And with this hateful liquor temperate,[br]and in that paste let his vile head be baked 0:24:09.447,0:24:11.477 At about 350 degrees. 0:24:11.477,0:24:17.377 And 40 minutes later, you have the most[br]delicious human-head-pie, fit to serve a king 0:24:17.377,0:24:20.427 With some lovely lady fingers for desert 0:24:21.254,0:24:24.674 Now, who will be the first to[br]try this delicious taste treat? 0:24:24.674,0:24:29.244 Welcome gracious lord, welcome great queen,[br]will please you eat, will please you feed? 0:24:29.244,0:24:31.694 C'mon, it's finger-licking good! 0:24:33.170,0:24:35.180 Good one, man, high-five! 0:24:38.525,0:24:41.505 Well, that's about all the time we have,[br]thanks so much for tuning in 0:24:41.505,0:24:43.725 And do join us next week,[br]when our very special guest chef 0:24:43.725,0:24:48.415 Timon of Athens will make a lovely[br]ratatouille out of the Merry Wives of Windsor 0:24:48.415,0:24:52.415 And until then, BONE-Appetite![br]Thank you very much! 0:24:58.810,0:25:01.990 I hope no one was too[br]offended by Titus Andronicus 0:25:01.990,0:25:06.060 Shakespeare as a young writer seems to have gone through a brief Quentin Tarantino phase 0:25:06.060,0:25:10.980 But, we shall now move on to explore the genius evident in Shakespeare's more mature work 0:25:10.980,0:25:16.240 As we present his dark and brooding[br]tragedy, Othello, the Moor of Venice 0:25:25.746,0:25:31.526 Speak of me as I am, nothing extenuate,[br]one who loved not wisely, but too well 0:25:31.526,0:25:36.816 For never was there a story of more woe[br]than this of Othello and his Desdemona 0:25:37.667,0:25:39.367 Ah, Dese! 0:25:43.366,0:25:45.616 Bob, could we have some lights, please? 0:25:45.616,0:25:49.156 Uh, we left Adam on his[br]own to research this play 0:25:50.009,0:25:53.279 Uh, apparently he looked[br]up 'moor' in the dictionary 0:25:53.279,0:25:55.669 and thought it was a[br]place where you tie up boats 0:25:55.669,0:25:59.289 - That's what it told me[br]- Which obviously in this context is obviously totally ridiculous 0:25:59.289,0:26:04.949 Because, in the 16th century,[br]the word 'moor' referred to a black person 0:26:09.897,0:26:11.707 I feel like such a dork 0:26:11.707,0:26:13.957 Yeah, well, go with the feeling 0:26:13.957,0:26:19.117 Look, ladies and gentlemen, we obviously[br]have some difficulty in even performing Othello 0:26:19.117,0:26:21.577 because, as you know,[br]the part is written for a black actor 0:26:21.577,0:26:24.977 - And we are[br]- I guess you might say that we're, uh, racially challenged 0:26:24.977,0:26:29.447 Exactly, so the bottom line is we're not going to be able[br]to perform Othello for you tonight, I'm very sorry about it 0:26:29.447,0:26:33.077 No, no, Austin, Austin, we can do it, we can do it.[br]I've got an idea that's totally boatless 0:26:33.077,0:26:37.797 If we just, aham, If we just[br]get like a rhythm going, y'know? 0:26:37.797,0:26:39.157 Like a 0:26:39.163,0:26:43.533 Like a: "Here's a story of a[br]brother by the name of Othello" 0:26:43.533,0:26:46.803 "He liked white women,[br]and he liked... green jello" 0:26:46.803,0:26:50.313 Oh yeah, yeah[br]And a punk named Iago 0:26:50.313,0:26:52.673 Who made himself a menace,[br]'cause he didn't like Othello 0:26:52.673,0:26:56.523 The moor of Venice[br]And Othello got married to Desdemona 0:26:56.523,0:26:58.873 He took her for the wars,[br]and left her alone-a 0:26:58.873,0:27:01.563 He was a moan-a, a groan-a,[br]he left her alone-a 0:27:01.563,0:27:04.243 He didn't write a letter,[br]and he didn't telephon'er 0:27:06.583,0:27:09.063 Desdemona she was faithful,[br]she was chastity-tight 0:27:09.063,0:27:11.593 She was the daughter of a Duke,[br]yeah, she was totally white 0:27:11.593,0:27:13.963 And Iago loved Dese[br]like Adonis loved Venus 0:27:13.963,0:27:17.093 And Dese loved Othello[br]'cause he had a big... SWORD 0:27:18.683,0:27:20.553 Iago, he said,[br]"I'm gonna shaft the Moor" 0:27:20.553,0:27:21.973 How you gonna do it, tell us! 0:27:21.973,0:27:24.393 Well, I know his tragic flaw:[br]he's too damn jealous 0:27:24.393,0:27:29.703 I need a dupe, a dope, a kind of schmo,[br]so he found himself a sucker by the name of Casio 0:27:29.703,0:27:31.813 And he plants on him[br]Desdemona's handkercheifs 0:27:31.813,0:27:34.823 So Othello gets to[br]wondering just maybe if 0:27:34.823,0:27:40.023 While he been out fighting, commanding an army,[br]are Dese and Cas playin' hide the salami? 0:27:40.023,0:27:42.263 S-s-s-s-sala-salami! 0:27:44.593,0:27:47.295 So he comes back home[br]he's got a pillow in her face 0:27:47.295,0:27:49.575 He kills her and soliloquizes[br]about his disgrace 0:27:49.575,0:27:52.175 But there's Amelia at the door,[br]who we met in Act 4 0:27:52.175,0:27:54.775 Who say, "You big dummy,[br]she weren't no whore!" 0:27:54.775,0:27:57.345 She was pure, she was clean,[br]she was virginal, too 0:27:57.345,0:27:59.945 So why'd you have to go,[br]and make her face turn blue?" 0:27:59.945,0:28:01.395 It's true! It's you! 0:28:01.395,0:28:05.115 Now what'chu gonna do? And Othello say,[br]"Damn, this is getting pretty scary" 0:28:05.115,0:28:07.805 Pull out his blade,[br]and committed Hari-Kari 0:28:07.805,0:28:11.005 Do that funky Moor-thing,[br]white boy! 0:28:11.005,0:28:15.135 - That is so hot, man[br]- Iago got caught, but he probably copped a plea 0:28:15.135,0:28:17.725 Lured up his bags and moved to Beverly 0:28:18.704,0:28:22.044 Hills, that is. Whoo! 0:28:37.829,0:28:42.359 Hey guys, uh, let's lighten up from all the heavy[br]tragedy, and do some of the comedies for a while 0:28:42.359,0:28:44.539 - Word. Let's totally[br]- Okay, okay 0:28:44.539,0:28:47.149 When it came to comedies,[br]Shakespeare was a genius[br] 0:28:47.149,0:28:51.399 At borrowing and adapting plot devices[br]from different theatrical traditions 0:28:51.399,0:28:55.129 This influences include the[br]Roman plays of Plautus and Terence 0:28:55.129,0:28:58.319 Ovid's "Metamorphoses",[br]which are hysterically funny. 0:29:00.221,0:29:03.491 As well as the rich Italian[br]tradition of commedia dell'arte 0:29:03.491,0:29:06.031 Yeah, basically, Shakespeare[br]stole every comedy he ever wrote 0:29:06.031,0:29:08.571 No, no, STOLE is a really strong word[br]distilled, maybe 0:29:08.571,0:29:13.201 Okay he distilled the three or four[br]funniest comic gimmicks of his time 0:29:13.201,0:29:15.921 And then he milked them into 16 plays 0:29:15.921,0:29:18.121 You see, basically Shakespeare[br]was a formula writer 0:29:18.121,0:29:22.041 Once he found a device that worked[br]he used it over and over and over again 0:29:22.041,0:29:24.301 So, Mr. Shakespeare,[br]the question we have is this: 0:29:24.301,0:29:28.471 Why did you write 16 comedies,[br]when you could've written just one? 0:29:28.471,0:29:33.501 Well, in answer to this question, we of the Reduced[br]Shakespeare Company have taken the liberty of condensing 0:29:33.501,0:29:36.541 All 16 of Shakespeare's comedies[br]into a single play 0:29:36.541,0:29:37.791 Which we have entitled: 0:29:37.791,0:29:43.501 The comedy of two well-measured gentlemen lost in the[br]Merry Wives of Venice on a Midsummer's Twelfth Night in Winter 0:29:44.736,0:29:49.896 Or: Cymbeline Taming Pericles, the Merchant in the[br]Tempest of Love As Much As You Like It For Nothing 0:29:50.461,0:29:53.731 Or: Four weddings and a transvestite. 0:30:02.383,0:30:06.433 Act I. A Spanish Duke[br]swears an oath of celibacy 0:30:06.433,0:30:10.603 And turns the rule of his kingdom over[br]to his sadistic and tyrannical twin brother 0:30:10.603,0:30:12.803 He learns some[br]fantastical feats of magic 0:30:12.803,0:30:14.803 And sets sail for[br]the Golden Age of Greece 0:30:14.803,0:30:19.243 Along with his daughters, three beautiful[br]and virginal set of identical twins 0:30:19.243,0:30:22.683 While rounding the heel of Italy,[br]the Duke’s ship is caught in a terrible tempest 0:30:22.683,0:30:25.223 Which, in its fury, casts[br]the Duke upon a desert island 0:30:25.223,0:30:27.923 Along with the loveliest and[br]most virginal of his daughters 0:30:27.923,0:30:33.113 Who stumbles into a cave, where she is molested[br]by a creature who is either a man, or a fish, or both 0:30:33.996,0:30:38.906 Act II. The longlost sons of the Duke's brother,[br]also coincidentally three sets of identical twins 0:30:38.906,0:30:41.136 Have just arrived in Italy 0:30:41.136,0:30:48.066 Though still possessed of an inner nobility, they are ragged,[br]destitute, penniless, flea-infested shadows of the men they once were 0:30:48.066,0:30:51.456 And in the utmost extremity are[br]forced to borrow money from an old Jew 0:30:51.456,0:30:55.116 Who deceives them into putting down[br]their brains as collateral on the loan 0:30:55.116,0:30:58.936 Now, the six brothers fall[br]in love with six Italian sisters 0:30:58.936,0:31:02.846 Three of whom are contentious,[br]sharp-tongued little shrews 0:31:02.846,0:31:06.186 While the other three are[br]submissive, airheaded little bimbos 0:31:06.499,0:31:11.149 Act III. The ship wrecked, the identical daughters[br]of the Duke wash up on the shores of Italy 0:31:11.149,0:31:16.149 Disguise themselves as men, become pages to the[br]shrews and matchmakers to the Duke's brother's sons 0:31:16.149,0:31:20.209 They lead all the lovers into a nearby forest,[br]where, on a midsummer's night, 0:31:20.209,0:31:25.539 A bunch of mischievous fairies squeeze the aphroditic[br]juice of a hermaphroditic flower into the shrews' eyes 0:31:25.539,0:31:30.499 Causing them to fall in love with their own pages,[br]who, in turn, have fallen in love with the Duke's brother's sons 0:31:30.499,0:31:34.289 While the queen of the fairies seduces[br]a jackass, and they all have an orgy 0:31:34.289,0:31:35.549 Act IV. 0:31:35.549,0:31:38.119 The elderly fathers of the Italian sisters,[br]finding their daughters missing 0:31:38.119,0:31:41.449 Dispatch messages to the pages telling[br]them to kill any man in the vicinity 0:31:41.449,0:31:45.739 However, unable to find men in the forest,[br]the faithful messengers, in a final misguided act of loyalty 0:31:45.739,0:31:48.419 Deliver the messages to each[br]other and kill themselves 0:31:48.419,0:31:52.339 Meanwhile, the fish creature and the Duke[br]arrive in the forest disguised as Russians 0:31:52.339,0:31:56.459 And, for no apparent reason, perform a[br]two-man underwater version of "Uncle Vanya" 0:31:56.459,0:31:59.259 Act V. The Duke commands the[br]fairies to right their wrongs 0:31:59.259,0:32:01.919 The pages and the bimbos get into[br]a knock-down, drag-out fight in the mud 0:32:01.919,0:32:05.009 During which the pages' clothes[br]get ripped off, revealing female genitalia 0:32:05.009,0:32:07.029 The Duke recognizes his daughters 0:32:09.040,0:32:11.140 The Duke's brother's sons[br]recognize their uncle 0:32:11.140,0:32:13.580 One of the shrews is elected[br]Senator from New York 0:32:15.718,0:32:17.428 And they all get married and go out to dinner 0:32:17.428,0:32:20.018 Except for a minor character in the[br]second act, who gets eaten by a bear 0:32:20.018,0:32:23.568 And the Duke's brother's sons, who,[br]unable to pay back the old Jew, give themselves lobotomies 0:32:23.568,0:32:26.248 And they all live happily ever after[br]Thank you! 0:32:38.217,0:32:39.987 What we would like to[br]do in this juncture time 0:32:39.987,0:32:42.177 Is return quickly to the rest[br]of Shakespeare's tragedies 0:32:42.177,0:32:45.637 Because, basically, we found that the[br]comedies are not as funny as the tragedies 0:32:46.862,0:32:51.812 So, we would like to start this section of the show[br]with Shakespeare's Scottish play, Macbeth 0:32:55.323,0:32:58.763 Which you're really not[br]supposed to talk about in the theatre 0:32:59.253,0:33:00.963 Unless you are performing it 0:33:02.005,0:33:05.375 Because it's cursed 0:33:08.845,0:33:10.275 Uhu, very scary! 0:33:11.846,0:33:16.256 Fortunately, our Reduced Shakespeare Company[br]not only performs an abbreviated version of Macbeth 0:33:18.545,0:33:24.425 But, after much thorough research, we[br]are able to do so in perfect Scottish accents 0:33:28.654,0:33:32.394 Double, double, toil, and trrrouble 0:33:32.394,0:33:39.074 Stay, ye, imperrrfect (Mac)speaker.[br](Mac)tell me (Mac)morrre 0:33:39.074,0:33:43.074 Macbeth... Macbeth... 0:33:43.074,0:33:45.734 Bewarrre Macduff 0:33:45.734,0:33:48.034 No man of woman born[br]shall harm Macbeth 0:33:48.034,0:33:52.164 'Till Birnam Wood come to[br]Dunsmane, don't ye know? 0:33:53.056,0:33:56.936 That's dead great. Then (Mac)what[br](Mac)need (mac)I (Mac)fear of Macduff? 0:33:56.936,0:33:58.616 See you, Jimmy! 0:33:58.616,0:34:03.026 And know that Macduff was from his mother's womb[br]untimely ripped! What d'ye think about that? 0:34:03.026,0:34:05.286 Ooh! That's bloody disgusting! 0:34:05.286,0:34:07.256 Lay on, your great[br]haggis-breath ye'! 0:34:07.256,0:34:11.706 Ah, Macbeth! Ye killed my wife, ye murdered[br]my bairns, ye did a job in my stoup 0:34:11.706,0:34:13.386 - Rrr, I didnae[br]- Rrr, you did! 0:34:14.097,0:34:15.677 - Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr[br]- Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 0:34:16.450,0:34:18.210 I hadn't throw half of it away! 0:34:26.246,0:34:29.776 Behold where stands the[br]usurper's cursed head 0:34:29.776,0:34:32.576 Ah, Macbeth! yer arse is oot the windee 0:34:33.471,0:34:36.861 And know that never was there[br]a story of more blood and death 0:34:36.861,0:34:41.001 Than this of Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth[br]Thank you! 0:34:49.742,0:34:53.862 Meanwhile, Julius Caesar[br]was a much beloved tyrant 0:34:53.862,0:34:55.132 All hail Julius Caesar! 0:34:55.132,0:34:56.242 Hail, citizens! 0:34:56.242,0:35:00.252 - Who was warned by a soothsayer[br]- Beware the Ides of March 0:35:02.207,0:35:04.717 The great Caesar, however,[br]chose to ignore the warning 0:35:04.717,0:35:06.647 What the hell are[br]the "Ides of March"? 0:35:06.647,0:35:08.527 Well, that's the[br]15th of March 0:35:08.527,0:35:09.467 That's today! 0:35:11.536,0:35:12.916 Et tu, Brutus? 0:35:13.903,0:35:16.743 Friends, Romans, countrymen! 0:35:16.743,0:35:18.103 Lend me your ears! 0:35:18.103,0:35:22.643 I come to bury Caeser, so let's bury him,[br]and get on to my play, Antony... 0:35:22.646,0:35:24.046 And Cleopatra! 0:35:24.046,0:35:28.416 Is this an asp I see before me?[br]Oh, I'm dying! I've been bit by a snake 0:35:32.804,0:35:35.004 It's the venom![br]It's all over through my blood! 0:35:36.536,0:35:38.306 Adam, stop it! Adam... 0:35:38.306,0:35:40.796 Poison! Will you come down? What? 0:35:40.796,0:35:44.166 You have this really bizarre notion that all[br]of Shakespeare's tragedies' heroines 0:35:44.166,0:35:48.586 Wear this really ugly wigs,[br]and vomit on people before they die 0:35:48.586,0:35:50.326 - It's an interpretation, man![br]- No! 0:35:51.721,0:35:53.691 Barfing on people[br]is not an interpretation! 0:35:53.691,0:35:55.431 Just get up here! 0:35:55.431,0:35:56.781 He was into it! 0:36:00.437,0:36:04.437 Antony and Cleopatra is not[br]some Alka-Seltzer commercial 0:36:04.437,0:36:09.007 It's a romantic thriller about a geopolitical[br]power struggle between Egypt and Rome 0:36:11.678,0:36:13.948 Oh, yeah! Like you knew![br]You like all laughing... 0:36:14.480,0:36:17.330 I'm sorry! I apologize![br]I apologize, you know? 0:36:17.330,0:36:21.000 If I had known this was Shakespeare's geopolitical play,[br]I wouldn't have screwed around with it 0:36:21.000,0:36:23.660 because my favorite plays[br]are his geopolitical plays 0:36:23.660,0:36:27.000 - Really, really?[br]- No, seriously, they're intense, man, like, um... 0:36:27.000,0:36:30.170 What was that one he wrote about[br]nuclear energy in the former Soviet Union? 0:36:30.740,0:36:35.590 It was way ahead of its time.[br]It was a metaphor... wrapped in an allegory 0:36:35.590,0:36:40.770 It was totally intense, man. It was called[br]"Chernobyl Kinsmen," and it was all about this... 0:36:40.770,0:36:45.000 Adam, Adam, Shakespeare wrote[br]a play called "Two Noble Kinsmen" 0:36:45.000,0:36:48.770 Not "Chernobyl Kinsmen"![br]"Two Noble Kinsmen"! 0:36:48.770,0:36:50.140 - "Cher..."[br]- "Two" 0:36:50.140,0:36:51.950 - There was definitely a "Cher"![br]- "Two"! "Two"! 0:36:51.950,0:36:56.360 - "Two... Noble Kinsmen"![br]- "Cher...", "Cher...", "Cherno..." 0:36:56.360,0:36:58.420 What's "Two Noble Kinsmen" about? 0:36:58.420,0:37:00.600 "Two Noble Kinsmen" is about a[br]girl who goes insane with the fear 0:37:00.600,0:37:03.630 That her boyfriend is going to be eaten[br]by wolves, and her father, hanged 0:37:05.740,0:37:08.460 - And is Boris Yeltsin in it?[br]- No, NO!!! 0:37:08.460,0:37:10.860 I never heard of that[br]play before, I'm sorry... 0:37:10.860,0:37:13.880 Actually once...[br]Oh, wait a second... 0:37:13.880,0:37:16.230 I should explain to these guys 0:37:16.230,0:37:18.560 I'm sorry, ladies and[br]gentlemen, my bad! Listen! 0:37:19.151,0:37:22.831 "Two Noble Kinsmen" actually falls in the[br]category of Shakespeare's plays 0:37:22.831,0:37:25.531 That we scholars refer[br]to as "the apocrypha" 0:37:25.531,0:37:29.081 Um, or in some literary circles[br]"the obscure plays" 0:37:29.081,0:37:31.411 Um, and sometimes[br]"the lesser plays" 0:37:31.411,0:37:34.071 And, um, and often quite[br]simply "the bad plays" 0:37:34.071,0:37:38.121 But, but the part is not all of[br]"the apocrypha" are entirely without merit 0:37:38.121,0:37:41.811 In fact, one of them, "Troilus and Cressida",[br]is hardly crap at all 0:37:41.811,0:37:46.521 In fact, I discussed "Troilus and Cressida"[br]at some lenght in my new soon-to-be-released book 0:37:46.521,0:37:49.801 about Shakespeare entitled[br]"I love my Willy" 0:37:52.173,0:37:54.643 Which I’d like to whip[br]out for you now, if I could... 0:37:56.161,0:38:00.021 What? What? No. No, it's my book 0:38:02.659,0:38:04.449 Anyway, I was thinking[br]what we could do 0:38:04.449,0:38:08.239 Is a quick, sort of improvised version of[br]Troilus and Cressida based on this chapter 0:38:08.239,0:38:11.519 Yeah, we could do an interpretive[br]dance, performance art version! 0:38:11.519,0:38:14.649 Performance art, I love performance art[br]It's so... pretentious! 0:38:16.287,0:38:19.427 We could do a piece that uses[br]the text of Troilus and Cressida 0:38:19.427,0:38:22.677 As like a jumping-off point to[br]explore deeper themes, you know? 0:38:22.677,0:38:26.967 Like the transient nature of life, and the mythology[br]involved in the arising and dissipation of forms 0:38:26.967,0:38:28.047 Yeah, get some props! 0:38:29.175,0:38:32.355 Wait, I was thinking we could do just[br]a very straightforward scholarly approach 0:38:34.051,0:38:35.926 - No, screw that![br]- Let's go ahead! 0:38:35.926,0:38:38.216 All right, okay. Let's start.[br]Um, Troilus and Cressida 0:38:38.216,0:38:43.376 Was written in 1603, published in 1604[br]And is in the "First Folio" 0:38:43.376,0:38:47.566 Although that version is some 166 lines longer than[br]the version which appears in the "Second Folio" 0:38:47.566,0:38:52.416 Which is about 166 lines shorter than the[br]version which appears in the "First Folio" 0:38:52.416,0:38:58.096 Now, they describe the play in the "First Folio"[br]as a "history", but later became known as a "comedy" 0:38:58.096,0:39:01.566 And it's now known... 0:39:19.890,0:39:22.970 No, get rid with it![br]Get that out of here! 0:39:22.970,0:39:26.790 Get that out of here! What the hell are you..[br]Get rid of it! Just go! 0:39:27.750,0:39:32.410 Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa,[br]whoa, whoa, wait, wait! 0:39:32.410,0:39:34.810 Get a life, ladies and gentlemen! 0:39:34.810,0:39:37.740 My book has nothing to do with Godzilla! 0:39:37.740,0:39:40.440 Awesome, that's great! But there is[br]anything in the book about the plot? 0:39:40.440,0:39:43.360 Of course I cover the plot! What[br]sort of scholar do you think I am? 0:39:43.360,0:39:46.920 I cover the plot in-depth in the[br]footnote here on page 7, all right? 0:39:47.721,0:39:50.811 All right, look! "Troilus, youngest[br]son of Priam, King of Troy" 0:39:50.811,0:39:52.821 Okay, you'll be Troilus,[br]he'll be the King of Troy 0:39:52.821,0:39:54.851 All right! "loves Cressida" 0:39:55.803,0:39:57.563 - I'll get the wig![br]- All right, great! 0:39:58.787,0:40:01.217 And has arranged with her[br]uncle Pandarus for a meeting 0:40:01.217,0:40:03.397 - Although she feigns indifference[br]- Oh, wait a minute... 0:40:03.397,0:40:07.597 She is attracted to him. Meanwhile, Agamemnon,[br]the Greek commander, has surrounded... 0:40:07.597,0:40:10.537 Kids hate to study it at[br]school because it’s so boring 0:40:10.537,0:40:13.837 C'mon, as soon as you said[br]"Agamemnon", I was asleep, man! 0:40:13.837,0:40:22.077 I'm sorry, but we came here to London, I told these guys,[br]I said, "I will not do dry, boring, vomitless Shakespeare" 0:40:22.807,0:40:26.107 No, that just turns you off. That's what[br]happened to me when I was a kid in school 0:40:26.107,0:40:27.817 And we were supposed to[br]be studying Shakespeare 0:40:27.817,0:40:31.787 It's like I'd be boiling it out of my mind, I'd be[br]looking out the window, and all the kids playing ball[br] 0:40:31.787,0:40:34.927 And I'd be sitting myself like,[br]"why can't Shakespeare stuff be more like sports?" 0:40:34.927,0:40:39.107 That's... that's what I've got![br]That's what I was thinking... 0:40:39.107,0:40:41.257 - You like sports?[br]- I did like sports, yes! 0:40:41.257,0:40:42.847 And you went to High School? 0:40:42.847,0:40:45.847 - Yes, in a matter of fact, I did[br]- Okay, well, whatever... 0:40:45.847,0:40:48.747 Because, check it out, sports are[br]visceral, you know? They are engaging 0:40:48.747,0:40:51.507 It's like, um, you know, if you[br]look at Shakespeare's histories 0:40:51.507,0:40:54.607 In the histories, the valorous kings[br]They are killing each other off 0:40:54.607,0:40:57.297 They are passing the throne[br]from one generation to the next 0:40:57.297,0:41:01.837 It's exactly like American Football[br]Only with a dude with a crown 0:41:01.837,0:41:03.947 You know what? They are kind of similar 0:41:09.367,0:41:13.607 25, 42, Richard III,[br]Henry VI part I, II, III, hike! 0:41:13.607,0:41:17.227 And the crown is snapped to Richard II,[br]that well spoken 14th century monarch 0:41:17.227,0:41:21.307 He’s fading back to pass, looking for an heir downfield,[br]but there’s a heavy rush from King John 0:41:21.307,0:41:23.357 My gross flesh sinks downwards! 0:41:23.357,0:41:25.397 The crown is in the air,[br]and Henry VI comes up with it! 0:41:25.397,0:41:26.577 Victory is mine! 0:41:26.577,0:41:31.497 But he’s immediately hit by King John.[br]He’s cutting Henry VI into three parts 0:41:31.497,0:41:33.637 This is going to be be the end of[br]the War of the Roses Cycle! 0:41:33.637,0:41:35.007 King John is in the clear 0:41:35.007,0:41:37.137 - My soul hath elbow room[br]- He’s in the 35 yard line 0:41:37.137,0:41:39.057 The 30, the 25, the 20[br]The 15, the 10... 0:41:39.057,0:41:41.737 He is poisoned on the 1 yard line[br]He is out of the game 0:41:41.737,0:41:43.917 Replacing him now: number 72, King Lear 0:41:43.917,0:41:47.307 Divide my kingdom in 3.[br]Cordelia, you go along 0:41:47.307,0:41:49.247 All right... Whoa, whoa, hold on! 0:41:49.247,0:41:51.087 Looks like there is a penalty called 0:41:52.359,0:41:55.079 Fictional character on the field,[br]Lear is disqualified 0:41:57.542,0:42:01.282 All right, Lining up now is that father-son[br]team of Henry IV and Prince Hal 0:42:01.282,0:42:04.182 Center snaps to the quarterback.[br]Quarterback gives to the hunchback 0:42:04.182,0:42:07.732 It looks like that limp is giving[br]Richard III trouble again 0:42:07.732,0:42:09.682 - A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse![br]- There’s a pile-up on the field 0:42:09.682,0:42:13.542 Fumble!!! And Henry VIII comes up with it.[br]He’s headed to the goaline 0:42:13.542,0:42:15.642 He stops at the 5 to[br]chop off his wife’s head 0:42:15.642,0:42:16.872 Who’s your daddy? 0:42:16.872,0:42:19.312 Touchdown for the Red Rose! Oh my! 0:42:19.312,0:42:22.672 You gotta believe this is the[br]beginning of a Tudor dynasty! 0:42:22.672,0:42:26.202 Henry V, Richard III.[br]Fellows are dark, and trousers, dirty 0:42:26.202,0:42:28.032 Go Fergie! 0:42:37.945,0:42:41.355 Can I just... can I borrow your program?[br]I'll give it right back, I promise 0:42:41.355,0:42:43.245 - I just wanne check the list of plays[br]- What are you doing? 0:42:43.245,0:42:45.845 I just wanna look at the list of plays[br]'Cause I think we might've don'em all already 0:42:45.845,0:42:48.155 - Really?[br]- Sure, because we just did all the histories, right? 0:42:48.155,0:42:49.485 Yeah, and we did all[br]the comedies all together 0:42:49.485,0:42:51.375 Oh good, that just leaves the tragedies 0:42:51.375,0:42:53.035 Um, Titus Andronicus I did[br]with all the blood 0:42:53.035,0:42:56.075 Romeo and Juliet, Julius[br]Caesar, Troilus and Cressida 0:42:56.075,0:42:59.175 - Othello was a rap, King Lear was in the football game[br]- Maybe we will let you guys out early tonight 0:42:59.175,0:43:02.375 Um, Macbeth, the Scottish play! Yeah! 0:43:02.375,0:43:04.265 - Wait, wait. Antony and Cleopatra?[br]- We did it! 0:43:04.265,0:43:07.655 We did it totally![br]I threw up on that guy in the hat! 0:43:07.655,0:43:11.665 Right, that's right![br]Timon of Athens I mentioned 0:43:11.665,0:43:14.775 - Coriolanus?[br]- Oh, just... let's just skip it! 0:43:14.775,0:43:17.475 Why? What...[br]What's the matter with Coriolanus? 0:43:18.844,0:43:21.134 I don't like the "anus" part.[br]I just think... 0:43:21.134,0:43:23.864 No, I think it's offensive.[br]We have some young children 0:43:23.864,0:43:30.804 It's not a clever word... (I'm 13)... I don't care if you're 20![br]I don't wanna hear you using language like that, young man! 0:43:30.804,0:43:33.464 Is this your mommy? 0:43:38.557,0:43:40.617 Don't give me the evil eye! 0:43:41.619,0:43:44.339 Now I know why some animals eat[br]their young. You know, I swear to God 0:43:48.096,0:43:52.096 I think that kid could kick your ass, so just leave him alone 0:43:52.096,0:43:54.506 But I think you are right, we are all... 0:43:55.376,0:43:57.586 No, no, no, NO! Look here! 0:43:58.892,0:44:00.482 Oh no! 0:44:01.748,0:44:03.108 Hamlet! 0:44:03.507,0:44:05.007 How... how did we forget Hamlet? 0:44:05.007,0:44:06.837 Shakespeare didn't write Hamlet, did he? 0:44:06.837,0:44:08.317 - Yes, he did![br]- Of course he did! 0:44:09.211,0:44:10.191 He didn't! 0:44:12.403,0:44:13.983 It's a Mel Gibson movie! 0:44:13.983,0:44:15.953 It's based on the play, anyway... 0:44:15.953,0:44:19.953 Well, 36 down, just 1 to go.[br]Perhaps the Bard's greatest play, a play of... 0:44:19.953,0:44:22.743 I'm sorry, I really don't feel up for it tonight 0:44:22.743,0:44:24.033 I don't... I don't... 0:44:24.033,0:44:28.813 Hamlet is a very big play, it's got a lot of words,[br]it's got, you know, like ideas and stuff 0:44:28.813,0:44:30.503 But don't quit, man! 0:44:30.503,0:44:33.393 It's just that football game left me[br]really emotionally and phisically drained 0:44:33.393,0:44:36.373 I just, you know,[br]I don't think I could do justice to it! 0:44:36.373,0:44:38.033 We don't have to do justice to it! 0:44:39.284,0:44:41.295 I mean, where have you been?[br]We just have to do it, you know! 0:44:42.785,0:44:44.575 - The kid...[br]- Don't worry about the kid! 0:44:46.435,0:44:48.365 The play is called[br]"The Complete Works of William Shakespeare" 0:44:48.365,0:44:50.285 Well, let's just change[br]the name of the play then... 0:44:50.285,0:44:53.945 We call: "The Complete Works of Shakespeare...[br]Except Hamlet" 0:44:53.945,0:44:55.145 That's ridiculous! 0:44:55.145,0:44:58.185 I think they will like to[br]see Hamlet, won't you? 0:45:02.976,0:45:06.816 This is... this is... no...[br]Okay... look, okay... 0:45:06.816,0:45:09.276 I you want to do it so bad,[br]you two do it, and I'll watch 0:45:09.276,0:45:11.396 What? That doesn't make any sense! 0:45:29.241,0:45:31.131 Oh, shoe... look at this shoe! 0:45:31.131,0:45:32.401 No, no, no, no.... 0:45:32.401,0:45:34.191 I've never seen inside it before... 0:45:34.984,0:45:37.284 - What? Is it a crime to take somebody's bag?[br]- Yes! 0:45:37.284,0:45:39.494 Oh, everything I do is wrong! 0:45:39.494,0:45:41.524 - What is the matter with you?[br]- Why don't you take away my birthday? 0:45:41.524,0:45:45.214 - What?[br]- It just sucks! This show sucks! 0:45:46.144,0:45:49.624 All right! Are you relaxed?[br]We are going to do Hamlet, all right? 0:45:49.624,0:45:53.184 Okay, all right![br]So we will start with the Battle... 0:45:53.184,0:45:54.664 Oh, shit! I'm sorry! 0:45:56.083,0:45:57.743 Yeah, so there is Bernardo and Horatio 0:45:58.641,0:46:01.471 I think it's very sensible for[br]you to carry those by the way 0:46:09.508,0:46:11.818 I'll kill the cameraman, I'll kill him 0:46:11.818,0:46:13.578 I don't care, we've got 5[br]other cameramen, I don't care 0:46:34.205,0:46:37.205 Austin is usually a lot faster than Adam 0:46:37.825,0:46:40.265 I'm sure they will be back in just a minute 0:47:34.862,0:47:43.142 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 0:48:42.541,0:48:47.721 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 0:49:07.321,0:49:09.881 Tell you what...[br]let's take an intermission here 0:49:09.881,0:49:13.351 Um, go out to the lobby,[br]stretch your legs, have a few drinks 0:49:13.351,0:49:16.541 We're always much more talented[br]after you had a few drinks 0:49:16.541,0:49:21.811 I'll need you back here in 15 minutes[br]Austin and Adam should be back by then 0:49:21.811,0:49:25.101 And we will proceed with[br]Hamlet, Prince of Denmark 0:49:25.739,0:49:27.219 I hope... 0:50:22.186,0:50:24.666 Please, don't patronize me! 0:50:25.191,0:50:26.891 Austin and Adam aren't back yet! 0:50:27.197,0:50:29.647 Well, actually, Austin[br]called in the intermission 0:50:29.647,0:50:33.267 He said he caught Adam at the[br]airport trying to catch a flight to Rio 0:50:33.267,0:50:38.657 And, um, he suggested that, until they get back,[br]I go ahead, and cover the sonnets 0:50:42.100,0:50:45.930 Shakespeare wrote 154 sonnets 0:50:46.480,0:50:49.560 I've reduced the[br]meltdown onto this card 0:50:49.560,0:50:53.560 And, um, what I was thinking we[br]could do is pass it among the audience 0:50:53.560,0:50:56.970 Like, um, say we start[br]here with you ma'am, right? 0:50:56.970,0:51:02.730 I give you the card, you take it, read it,[br]enjoy it, passes to the person next to you 0:51:02.730,0:51:04.000 Yeah, yeah, you! 0:51:04.000,0:51:08.750 Yeah, and then down on the row like that,[br]and then, if you just pass it behind you 0:51:08.750,0:51:13.030 And then just back and forth, and back and forth,[br]and back and forth, and back... 0:51:13.539,0:51:16.859 And forth, and back and forth, and back[br]and forth, and back 0:51:16.859,0:51:20.769 And, by the time it gets to you,[br]Austin and Adam should be here 0:51:20.769,0:51:23.499 So, um, Bob, if we can have[br]some house lights, please 0:51:23.499,0:51:25.929 As I say, ma'am, why don't[br]we start here with you 0:51:25.929,0:51:29.929 Just take it, read it,[br]enjoy it, pass it along 0:51:36.373,0:51:39.793 Austin and Adam,[br]ladies and gentlemen 0:51:49.505,0:51:53.145 This is so uncool, you grabbed me[br]You gave me a carpet burn on my arm 0:51:53.145,0:51:54.625 You should've come here earlier 0:51:54.625,0:51:55.965 I don't wanna do this! 0:51:55.965,0:51:58.475 - You alright? You alright?[br]- C'mon! C'mon! 0:51:58.475,0:52:02.595 Here, here, blow, blow alright? 0:52:03.775,0:52:06.115 Just take him back stage[br]I'll start here, okay? 0:52:10.204,0:52:14.014 Bob, um, can I get some[br]mood lighting, please? 0:52:14.014,0:52:16.814 To, um, to help me[br]sort of set the scene 0:52:16.814,0:52:23.084 For what is perhaps the greatest play[br]ever written in the English language 0:52:24.196,0:52:29.916 Hamlet, the tragedy of[br]the prince of Denmark 0:52:29.916,0:52:33.406 The place... Denmark! 0:52:34.277,0:52:37.627 The time... a very long time ago! 0:52:37.627,0:52:42.257 The battlements of Elsinore castle.[br]Round about midnight. Two guards enter 0:52:46.315,0:52:49.705 (Adam!) I don't wanna do this[br]stupid play, leave me alone! 0:52:49.705,0:52:52.515 - Get off![br]- Don't make me... 0:52:52.515,0:52:54.375 I told you! 0:53:00.001,0:53:02.051 - Who’s there?[br]- Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself 0:53:02.051,0:53:04.451 - Long live the king[br]- Bernardo! (He!) 0:53:05.706,0:53:07.966 ‘Tis now struck twelve[br]Get thee to bed, Horatio 0:53:07.966,0:53:10.006 - For this relief, much thanks[br]- Well, good night 0:53:10.006,0:53:13.116 Peace, break thee off[br]Look where it comes! 0:53:17.997,0:53:23.507 - Mark it, Horatio. It would be spoke to[br]- What art thou? By heaven, I charge thee, speak! 0:53:27.470,0:53:28.660 'Tis gone! 0:53:29.350,0:53:31.400 It was about to speak[br]when the sock crew 0:53:31.570,0:53:33.630 Break we our watch up! 0:53:38.954,0:53:42.674 And by my advice, let us impart[br]what we have seen tonight unto 0:53:42.674,0:53:44.474 Hamlet, prince of Denmark! 0:54:02.747,0:54:06.627 O that this too, too[br]solid flesh would melt 0:54:06.627,0:54:08.517 Thaw, and resolve[br]itself into a dew 0:54:08.517,0:54:11.647 That is should come to[br]this, but two months dead 0:54:12.557,0:54:14.567 So loving to my mother 0:54:15.227,0:54:17.817 Frailty, thy name is woman! 0:54:18.747,0:54:20.337 Yeah, you! 0:54:21.829,0:54:24.659 Married to mine uncle,[br]my father’s brother 0:54:24.659,0:54:28.859 The funeral baked meats did coldly[br]furnish forth the marriage tables 0:54:28.859,0:54:30.229 - My lord![br]- Horatio! 0:54:34.259,0:54:37.009 - Methinks I see my father[br]- Where, my lord? 0:54:37.009,0:54:40.109 - In my mind’s eye, Horatio[br]- My lord, I think I saw him yesternight 0:54:40.109,0:54:41.929 - Saw who?[br]- The king, your father! 0:54:43.698,0:54:46.478 - The king, my father? But where was this?[br]- Upon the platform where we watched 0:54:46.478,0:54:48.288 ‘Tis very strange 0:54:50.502,0:54:53.352 I will watch tonight[br]Perchance ‘twill walk again 0:54:53.352,0:54:57.512 All is not well, Horatio.[br]Would the night were come 0:54:57.512,0:54:58.742 So... 0:55:03.564,0:55:06.264 O the wind bites shrewdly. It is very cold! 0:55:06.264,0:55:07.824 Look, my lord, it comes! 0:55:07.824,0:55:09.754 Angels and ministers[br]of grace defend us 0:55:09.754,0:55:12.414 Something is rotten[br]in the state of Denmark 0:55:13.278,0:55:14.568 Mark me! 0:55:14.568,0:55:16.348 Speak. I am bound to hear! 0:55:16.348,0:55:18.848 So art thou to revenge[br]when thou shalt hear 0:55:18.848,0:55:25.608 If ever thou didst thy dear father love[br]Revenge his foul and most unnatural murderer 0:55:25.608,0:55:27.418 - Murderer![br]- Murderer! 0:55:27.418,0:55:31.378 The serpent that did sting thy[br]father’s life now wears his crown 0:55:31.378,0:55:33.048 - My uncle![br]- His uncle! 0:55:33.048,0:55:36.668 Let not the royal bed of Denmark[br]become a couch for incest 0:55:36.668,0:55:38.378 - Incest![br]- A couch! 0:55:40.379,0:55:46.789 Adieu, Hamlet, adieu![br]Remember me! 0:55:49.503,0:55:51.113 - My lord, this is strange! 0:55:51.113,0:55:57.033 There are more things in Heaven and Earth,[br]Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy 0:55:57.033,0:55:58.673 So piss off! 0:55:59.820,0:56:04.640 I hereafter shall think meet[br]to put an antic disposition on 0:56:04.640,0:56:11.370 The time is out of joint. O cursed[br]spite that ever I was born to exit right 0:56:26.477,0:56:32.107 Neither a borrower nor a lender be! 0:56:51.376,0:56:53.216 How now, Ophelia. What’s the matter? 0:56:53.216,0:56:57.076 My lord, as I was sewing in my closet, lord[br]Hamlet, with no hat upon his head, pale as his shirt 0:56:57.076,0:57:00.436 His knees knocking together, and with a look[br]So piteous in purport as if he had been loosed 0:57:00.436,0:57:03.636 Out of hell to speak of horrors,[br]he comes before me 0:57:15.744,0:57:18.784 I'd keep that dress if I were you! 0:57:26.189,0:57:27.909 - Mad for thy love? 0:57:32.119,0:57:33.559 O my Lord, I know not! 0:57:33.559,0:57:36.929 Why, this is the very ecstasy of love.[br]I have found the cause of Hamlet’s lunacy 0:57:36.929,0:57:40.249 Since brevity is the soul of wit,[br]I will be brief: he is mad 0:57:45.378,0:57:47.488 How does my good lord Hamlet? 0:57:47.488,0:57:50.088 - Well, God mercy![br]- Do you know me, my lord? 0:57:50.088,0:57:54.028 - Excellent well. You are a fishmonger[br]- What do you read, my lord? 0:57:54.028,0:57:58.128 - Word, words, words[br]- Though this be madness, yet there’s method in’t 0:57:58.128,0:58:01.778 Daddy, the players are here, and they[br]said they wanna do a play-within-a-play 0:58:01.778,0:58:04.438 So you'd better come see what[br]they want because they won't talk... 0:58:11.419,0:58:15.169 I am but mad north-northwest[br]When the wind is southerly 0:58:15.169,0:58:17.619 I know a hawk from[br]a hawk from a handsaw 0:58:18.615,0:58:19.645 I don't know... 0:58:21.459,0:58:26.269 I’ll have these players play something like[br]the murder of my father before mine uncle 0:58:26.269,0:58:31.539 I’ll observe his looks. If he do[br]but blench, I will know my course 0:58:31.803,0:58:37.243 The play’s the thing wherein[br]I’ll catch the conscience of the king! 0:59:12.655,0:59:14.055 Shut up, please! 0:59:24.493,0:59:25.553 Shut up! 0:59:36.746,0:59:39.846 What part of "shut up!"[br]don't you understand? 0:59:47.039,0:59:49.089 To be... 0:59:51.953,0:59:55.233 Austin, Austin, you can...[br]turn on the lights for a second! 0:59:55.233,0:59:57.913 Did you do the[br]"to be or not to be" speech? 0:59:57.913,1:00:00.093 Of course I didn't![br]They are laughing at me! 1:00:00.093,1:00:03.263 - They are not laughing at you![br]- They were laughing with you! 1:00:03.263,1:00:07.963 No, no! That guy right there![br]It was that guy right there! 1:00:07.963,1:00:10.943 Calm down, man![br]He's on drugs or something... 1:00:11.634,1:00:15.094 - (...) speech![br]- I know, I know, it's a, it's, it's... 1:00:15.094,1:00:17.994 I'm sorry about this, everybody![br]I think Austin is really... 1:00:17.994,1:00:23.284 You know, he takes this very seriously![br]I think emotionally it's maybe too much for him tonight[br] 1:00:23.284,1:00:25.434 I think we'll just skip the[br]"to be or not to be" speech 1:00:25.434,1:00:27.654 I'm sorry if anybody feels... 1:00:27.654,1:00:32.084 - Well, that's...[br]- You shoulda thought about that before you laughed at him 1:00:32.084,1:00:35.594 This is the risk you take at live theatre[br]Anything can happen, okay? 1:00:35.594,1:00:39.014 You know, like, if this was "Miss Saigon",[br]Maybe the helicopter wouldn't come in 1:00:39.774,1:00:43.394 It's an overrated speech anyway, Hamlet is[br]supposed to be thinking about killing his uncle 1:00:43.394,1:00:46.564 And, instead, Shakespeare is like[br]"I'm contemplating suicide", you know? 1:00:46.564,1:00:49.034 We think it just weakens the character 1:00:49.034,1:00:50.934 It just makes some wishy washy 1:00:50.934,1:00:52.824 Right, so we'll skip to the[br]play-within-a-play scene 1:00:52.824,1:00:55.824 Yeah, pergfect, okay, yeah! What we'll[br]do is skip to the play-within-a-play scene 1:00:55.824,1:00:57.514 You guys do the setting[br]I'll give Austin... 1:00:57.514,1:00:59.234 Whoa, and the nunnery[br]speech of Hamlet? 1:00:59.234,1:01:01.434 Whoa, that piece of work speech,[br]I think we should just cut it 1:01:01.434,1:01:03.224 I don't know, it's kind of important! 1:01:08.517,1:01:12.057 Okay, there is just this one speech that[br]comes before the play-within-a-play scene 1:01:12.057,1:01:14.687 That just goes:[br]"I have of late, but wherefore I know not 1:01:14.687,1:01:19.547 Lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercise,[br]and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition 1:01:19.547,1:01:23.347 That this goodly frame, the Earth,[br]seems to me a sterile promontory 1:01:23.347,1:01:26.757 This most excellent canopy, the air, look[br]you, this brave o’erhanging firmament 1:01:26.757,1:01:30.007 This majestic roof[br]fretted with golden fire 1:01:30.007,1:01:34.177 Why it appears to me no other than a[br]foul and pestilent congregation of vapors 1:01:34.177,1:01:39.547 What a piece of work is man;[br]how noble in reason, how infinite in faculty 1:01:39.547,1:01:42.267 In form and moving how[br]express and admirable 1:01:42.267,1:01:45.997 In action how like an angel[br]In apprehension how like a god 1:01:45.997,1:01:48.477 The beauty of the world,[br]the paragon of animals 1:01:48.477,1:01:55.237 Yet to me, what is this quintessence[br]of dust? Man delights not me? 1:01:56.700,1:02:00.120 Right, so we'll cut that speech,[br]and go right to the killer 1:02:07.919,1:02:10.149 Guys, what about the[br]"get thee to a nunnery" scene? 1:02:10.149,1:02:12.309 Let's just skip that one 1:02:14.418,1:02:16.888 Because "get thee to a nunnery"[br]scene is an Ophelia scene, man! 1:02:16.888,1:02:19.618 And Ophelia is a dificult[br]and complex character 1:02:19.618,1:02:24.238 No, no, she's not. No, it's,[br]Ophelia is you in a wig, you know? 1:02:26.247,1:02:28.627 Anybody can play Ophelia,[br]My mother could play Ophelia 1:02:28.627,1:02:30.437 That lady right there[br]could play Ophelia 1:02:31.063,1:02:32.963 - Well, let's get her![br]- No, no... 1:02:38.503,1:02:39.803 Thank you so much! 1:02:44.645,1:02:46.745 We are going to perform... 1:02:46.745,1:02:48.395 No, no, no, wait.[br]Whatcha doin'? 1:02:48.395,1:02:50.015 Getting that[br]impostor out of here! 1:02:50.015,1:02:51.275 She's not an imposter! 1:02:53.382,1:02:55.122 You can't just throw[br]her back, you know? 1:02:55.122,1:02:57.422 - I'll do it![br]- It's too late! 1:02:57.422,1:03:01.252 You got her up here, she's wearing[br]this nice wig, it's gonna be fine! (It's my scene!) 1:03:01.252,1:03:04.672 It's my scene! What am I[br]supposed to do? I'm... I'm like... 1:03:04.672,1:03:06.752 Just watch and learn, you know? 1:03:06.752,1:03:09.452 I'm watching? I'm learning?[br]Is this what I'm supposed to do? 1:03:09.452,1:03:12.022 - You had your chance![br]- You come back, take that mic off! 1:03:12.022,1:03:13.642 - No, no![br]- This is stupid! 1:03:13.642,1:03:15.342 No, it will be fine![br]It will be great! Just watch! 1:03:15.342,1:03:18.392 You're just gonna do the scene with[br]your new friend, and I'm supposed to... 1:03:18.392,1:03:21.052 - You had your chance![br]- We are gonna show you how simple it is, alright? 1:03:21.052,1:03:23.602 That's fine, I don't care![br]I think the show sucks anyway! 1:03:23.602,1:03:26.782 Oh, c'mon! It's not that big of a... 1:03:26.782,1:03:28.892 Thanks for breaking[br]up the group, Yoko! 1:03:31.760,1:03:33.260 Bullshit! 1:03:34.459,1:03:38.049 I'm very sorry about that! Listen,[br]thank you very much for helping us out! 1:03:38.049,1:03:39.389 - I'm sorry, what's your name?[br]- Tiffany! 1:03:39.389,1:03:40.529 - Tiffany?[br]- Tiffany! 1:03:40.529,1:03:42.949 That's, um,[br]do you mind if we call you Bob? 1:03:42.949,1:03:45.229 That's just easier for us to remember 1:03:45.229,1:03:50.509 Um, anyway, um,[br]the scene between Ophelia and Hamlet 1:03:50.509,1:03:53.759 - It's a very simple scene![br]- It's not a simple scene! 1:03:53.759,1:03:55.679 If you're gonna humiliate her,[br]be honest with her! 1:03:55.679,1:03:56.969 We are not gonna humiliate her! 1:03:56.969,1:03:59.029 We are not humiliating[br]anybody, you calm down! 1:03:59.029,1:04:01.409 You calm down! (You calm down!)[br]You calm down, man! 1:04:01.409,1:04:04.239 You know, I'll, I'll hit you so hard,[br]I'll kill your whole family, man! 1:04:05.915,1:04:07.895 You take your medicine! Okay! 1:04:07.895,1:04:09.995 - Uhhhh, get her![br]- Okay! 1:04:12.005,1:04:16.085 A little bit of background: Hamlet and Ophelia[br]have had this relationship together in the past 1:04:16.085,1:04:20.085 Yeah, among everything that is going on with his[br]mother, and is uncle, and his father, and... 1:04:20.814,1:04:22.984 He doesn't wanna deal[br]with her anymore, alright? 1:04:22.984,1:04:25.804 He gets all worked up, and he[br]tells her to get out of his life! 1:04:25.804,1:04:28.784 He says to her:[br]"get thee to a nunnery!" 1:04:28.784,1:04:34.104 Alright, now, in our version of the scene,[br]all that Ophelia does in response is: she screams! 1:04:34.104,1:04:36.364 - That's not all she does![br]- It's all she does! 1:04:36.364,1:04:38.314 - There is more to it than that![br]- No, there is not! 1:04:38.314,1:04:41.624 Hamlet says "get thee to a nunnery!",[br]Ophelia screams, okay? 1:04:41.624,1:04:45.744 So, let's try that, alright?[br]And I'll give you a cue, alright? 1:04:47.911,1:04:49.801 - Hey, good luck![br]- Hay, Adam! 1:04:49.801,1:04:52.081 I didn't touch her,[br]she hit me with the shoulder! 1:04:52.081,1:04:53.941 - Oh, c'mon![br]- She started it, man! 1:04:55.051,1:04:57.661 She's provoking me since she[br]came in here, that's all I'm saying! 1:04:57.661,1:05:00.821 - Sit down![br]- Okay, screw over, kid! 1:05:05.493,1:05:09.213 Okay, now are you all set?[br]Alright, I'll give it to you, I'll, I'm sorry, let me... 1:05:09.213,1:05:11.493 Let me just step into[br]the character here! 1:05:14.843,1:05:16.673 Get thee to a nunnery! 1:05:26.931,1:05:29.431 No, please, shut up,[br]ladies and gentlemen! 1:05:29.431,1:05:31.911 - Hey, hey, I thought that was good![br]- Yeah, it was pretty good! 1:05:31.911,1:05:36.001 No, it sucked, man![br]Even the frame setting sucked! 1:05:36.001,1:05:43.441 I'm sorry I shout at you, I felt threatened 'cause they[br]brought you up here to do my part, you are not an actress! 1:05:43.441,1:05:47.301 - Maybe[br]- You think so? (Maybe) 1:05:47.301,1:05:49.151 I think not! 1:05:49.151,1:05:55.591 No, she showed a lot of heart, a lot of courage - as Shakespeare would say, chutzpah. 1:05:55.591,1:06:00.221 No, I think there was something lacking[br]There was no inner life to the character 1:06:00.221,1:06:02.701 You know, there is little depth... 1:06:02.701,1:06:04.661 No, I know what you mean,[br]that's actually very good note 1:06:04.661,1:06:08.401 - 'Cause, Bob, actors use what they call subtext[br]- Yes, or inner module 1:06:08.401,1:06:11.591 Exactly, inner module,[br]that's something you didn't have 1:06:11.591,1:06:15.421 And that's why your[br]performance was just flat 1:06:15.421,1:06:19.441 No, but I think she showed promise,[br]and I don't think we should let this go 1:06:19.441,1:06:23.571 I think this is like riding a bicycle, you fall off,[br]you get on a horse, you just keep going, man! 1:06:23.571,1:06:28.751 In fact I think we should get everybody involved here[br]for just a few seconds to workshop this, you know? 1:06:28.751,1:06:34.071 Like, um, bring up the house lights I think everybody[br]should act on what is inside, the feels in his head for Bob 1:06:34.071,1:06:36.291 Help her understand[br]the character like, like... 1:06:36.291,1:06:39.531 If we divide everybody into[br]Ophelia's Ego and Superego! 1:06:39.531,1:06:42.811 Oh, yeah, yeah,[br]like it's a Freudian analysis 1:06:42.811,1:06:44.141 With an union undertone (yes, yes!) 1:06:44.141,1:06:49.841 An Ego! We need an Ego![br]Let's get an Ego out there! 1:06:57.276,1:06:59.536 So, this gentleman is gonna[br]represent your Ego! 1:07:00.011,1:07:02.051 Oh, this guy can play an Ego! 1:07:02.881,1:07:06.211 Very powerful lumberjack-like Ego! 1:07:06.211,1:07:12.281 At this point of the play, her Ego has become[br]frightened, it's flighty, it's an Ego on the run 1:07:12.281,1:07:18.041 To symbolize the Ego on the run, why don't we[br]have Bob here, I'm sorry, mind if I call you Bob? 1:07:18.041,1:07:23.351 Why don't we have Bob here symbolize the Ego on[br]the run by running back and forth across the stage? 1:07:23.351,1:07:26.251 Yes, yes, just go... 1:07:33.314,1:07:35.264 Such an energy! 1:07:35.264,1:07:37.634 We have an Egomaniac here! 1:07:37.634,1:07:41.464 Okay, now, if you just[br]hear her subconscious 1:07:41.464,1:07:44.454 Why don't we have everyone on[br]the forth here in this folding chairs 1:07:44.454,1:07:46.424 Represent Ophelia's head for us 1:07:46.424,1:07:49.904 Now, at this point of the play,[br]her id is confused, is wishy washy 1:07:49.904,1:07:52.654 It's a wash in a sea of alternatives 1:07:52.654,1:07:55.304 Oh, that was very...[br](Thank you, thank you very much!) 1:07:59.889,1:08:05.969 So, to represent this confused id, why don't we have everybody[br]on these folding chair put both hands up your heads like this 1:08:07.541,1:08:12.351 And we are gonna say this, we are[br]gonna say: "maybe, maybe not" 1:08:12.351,1:08:20.511 "Maybe, maybe not", "maybe, maybe not"[br]"maybe, maybe not", (okay, good!) 1:08:20.511,1:08:22.541 Save it for later, okay! 1:08:23.443,1:08:25.753 Alright, you! third line,[br]what's your problem? 1:08:26.581,1:08:30.691 Everybody is doing a great "maybe,[br]maybe not", "maybe, maybe not" 1:08:30.691,1:08:32.481 He is like this 1:08:34.303,1:08:36.663 Does not play well with other children! 1:08:37.405,1:08:39.825 You know what that means, don't you, Bob? 1:08:39.825,1:08:43.135 That means that you'll[br]have to do it all by yourself 1:08:45.896,1:08:48.486 C'mon, man! Get'em up! Get'em up! Great! 1:08:48.486,1:08:51.696 And don't worry about a thing, man![br]'Cause nobody is looking, alright? 1:08:51.696,1:08:55.696 Okay, okay, let's hear him:[br]"maybe, maybe not" 1:09:06.911,1:09:08.711 I feel a lot of love in this room 1:09:08.711,1:09:13.801 I don't know, maybe it's just the.. okay So we got the id,[br]we got the Ego, we got a single misfiring greencell right here[br] 1:09:13.801,1:09:17.901 It's great to know, why don't we get everybody[br]behind the seats to be the Superego? 1:09:17.901,1:09:21.101 This is the final psychological[br]componenet, the Superego 1:09:21.101,1:09:24.581 It's like all the struggling voices within[br]your head telling you what to do 1:09:24.581,1:09:27.221 Very powerful voices that[br]are very difficult to shake 1:09:27.221,1:09:30.131 Some people never shake them[br]in the whole lifetime, you know? 1:09:30.131,1:09:32.081 So, like Catholicism or something 1:09:32.081,1:09:37.791 So why don't we, why don't we divide the[br]Superego into three parts to symbolize the complexity 1:09:37.791,1:09:42.551 So if we get everyone from where Reed is[br]indicating to my left to be Section A of the Superego 1:09:42.551,1:09:47.361 Everybody from Reed to where Austin[br]is indicating to be Section B of the Superego 1:09:47.361,1:09:51.151 And everybody from Austin[br]to my right, you're Section C 1:09:51.151,1:09:54.461 Yeah, it's not that difficult,[br]is it? You got the idea! 1:09:54.461,1:09:57.701 Now, Section A, you're the masculine[br]voice in Ophelia pyche, alright? 1:09:57.701,1:10:01.421 You're like the voice of all men in her[br]life that have been bossing her around 1:10:01.421,1:10:07.211 And, um, we'll use Hamlet's line for this[br]I'd like all of you to say "get thee to a nunnery!" 1:10:07.211,1:10:11.041 Let's give it a try, Section A:[br]"Get thee to a nunnery!" 1:10:11.041,1:10:12.701 Section A, that was awful! 1:10:12.701,1:10:19.831 Please, people, work with me on this, we wanna make it[br]very loud, very powerful, very stiking, Section A: 1:10:19.831,1:10:21.921 "Get thee to a nunnery!" 1:10:21.921,1:10:24.291 Oh, yeah, that was[br]much less totally pathetic! 1:10:24.291,1:10:28.381 Okay, now Section B, you're the[br]voice of Ophelia's libido, okay? 1:10:28.381,1:10:31.341 So, this is the part of the psiche[br]that wants to be attracted to Hamlet 1:10:31.341,1:10:35.531 You're saying, "look, do something wth yourself",[br]"for God sake, put some makeup or something!" 1:10:35.531,1:10:37.971 Just, no offense... 1:10:38.961,1:10:42.091 This is straight out of[br]Shakesperian text, okay? 1:10:42.091,1:10:45.461 I'd like all of you to say,[br]"Paint an inch thick!" 1:10:45.461,1:10:47.671 "Paint an inch thick!" 1:10:50.053,1:10:52.903 I think Section A could learn[br]something from Section B 1:10:52.903,1:10:54.593 Possibly, they're small,[br]but they're plaque 1:10:54.593,1:11:00.153 Now finally, Section C, we saved you for last[br]because I think waht we'll do is use Section C[br] 1:11:00.153,1:11:04.803 To draw this into a modern context because we[br]wanna make Ophelia relevant to women of today 1:11:04.803,1:11:08.193 Maybe she wants power,[br]but she doesn't wanna lose her femininity 1:11:08.193,1:11:11.693 She wanna be Corporate Executive,[br]but, you know, she wants babies at the same time 1:11:11.693,1:11:14.983 She is tired of being pushed around by Hamlet,[br]and she wants to assure herself 1:11:14.983,1:11:20.033 she feels like saying, “Look, cut the crap, Hamlet,[br]my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!" 1:11:20.033,1:11:22.163 Whoa, whoa, wait, you know what... 1:11:26.887,1:11:33.927 Yeah, we'll have you say, "cut the crap, Hamlet,[br]my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!" 1:11:37.665,1:11:39.955 Yeah, your mommy[br]will explain it later, kid! 1:11:41.889,1:11:43.269 Biology class 1:11:45.002,1:11:47.202 So, let's give it a try,[br]Section C: 1:11:47.202,1:11:53.662 "Cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological[br]clock is ticking and I want babies now!" 1:12:02.401,1:12:06.121 Alright, everybody, what I[br]think we should do now is 1:12:06.121,1:12:10.341 We'll get all the psychological elements[br]into play simultaneously, right? 1:12:10.341,1:12:16.031 id, Ego, Superego, biological clock,[br]and the voices "maybe, maybe not!" 1:12:16.031,1:12:19.491 And your job as an actress, Bob,[br]is to take all of this energy in 1:12:19.491,1:12:22.471 Synthesize it within your soul, right? 1:12:22.471,1:12:28.131 And, at that moment of truth, we'll build everyone[br]into a might frenzy, then stop everything, all attention is to you 1:12:28.131,1:12:30.061 And you let out with that[br]scream that epitomizes Ophelia 1:12:30.061,1:12:31.591 No problem! 1:12:34.893,1:12:37.313 - Well, we'll see![br]- Oh, she can't wait! 1:12:37.313,1:12:41.313 Everybody, let's all,[br]okay, focus, please! 1:12:41.313,1:12:44.923 Alright, everyone?[br]Let's all take a deep breath together! 1:12:48.917,1:12:50.827 Yeah, let it out, kid 1:12:50.827,1:12:53.437 He's turning grace, keep an eye on him! 1:12:53.437,1:12:55.487 Right, you stand back here! 1:12:55.487,1:12:58.827 Right (perfect!), yeah, right there! 1:12:58.827,1:13:02.827 Excellent! And remember, no matter[br]what happens, act natural! 1:13:05.177,1:13:08.067 - Starting with the Ego![br]- The starting line here, Bob! 1:13:08.067,1:13:11.297 Alright, here we go![br]Okay, and... 1:13:11.297,1:13:12.587 On your marks! 1:13:15.500,1:13:17.940 Like a Colts you are, huh? 1:13:17.940,1:13:21.520 We are not gonna have to check[br]you for steroids after this, are we? 1:13:22.490,1:13:26.110 I recognize you, you were on the[br]East Germany women's track team 1:13:27.135,1:13:28.985 His name was Helga, I swear to God! 1:13:28.985,1:13:31.705 Glad to see they finally dropped, alright! 1:13:33.778,1:13:35.698 You know what I mean, alright! 1:13:35.698,1:13:42.588 Alright? On your mark, set, go![br]"Maybe, maybe not" 1:13:42.588,1:13:43.998 Section A 1:13:44.488,1:13:46.348 Section B 1:13:47.112,1:13:48.222 C 1:14:05.754,1:14:06.924 Stop! 1:14:42.029,1:14:46.249 It's just that you are beautiful,[br]and erotic, and sensual! 1:14:50.449,1:14:53.169 I think we really shared[br]something, didn't we? 1:14:53.169,1:14:57.079 But back to Hamlet, Act III, Scene II,[br]the famous “play-within-a-play scene” 1:14:57.079,1:15:01.869 In which Hamlet discovers conclusive[br]evidence that his uncle murdered his father 1:15:14.977,1:15:19.087 “Speak the speech, I pray you, as I[br]pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue 1:15:19.087,1:15:24.747 Suit the action to the word, the word to the action,[br]and hold, as ‘twere, the mirror up to nature 1:15:24.747,1:15:28.927 - Will my lord hear this piece of work?[br]- Aye, and the king, too, presently 1:15:34.885,1:15:37.205 And now, how does my[br]cousin Hamlet, and my son? 1:15:37.205,1:15:39.175 A little more than kin,[br]and less than kind 1:15:39.175,1:15:41.545 I have nothing with this answer,[br]Hamlet; these words are not mine 1:15:41.545,1:15:43.565 - My lord, have a seat[br]- Alright, I'll seat here 1:15:43.565,1:15:45.205 Screw over, kid![br]I'm doing ya' 1:15:45.205,1:15:46.915 Hey, good show, huh? 1:15:46.915,1:15:51.035 My lord, the Royal Theatre of Denmark is[br]proud to present "The Murder of Gonzago" 1:15:51.035,1:15:52.915 Bravo, bravo, yeah, uhu! 1:15:52.915,1:15:55.185 Oh, it's a puppet show![br]I love it! I love it! 1:15:55.185,1:15:56.985 My lord, Act I 1:16:22.943,1:16:24.473 Hubba hubba 1:16:37.006,1:16:40.446 Hey, hey, no, no, no. Hey, hey! 1:16:42.836,1:16:46.016 Oh, the wheels on the[br]bus go round and round.... 1:16:46.640,1:16:48.600 Okay, I'm sorry... I didn't... 1:16:50.836,1:16:54.836 - How likes my lord the play?[br]- The lady doth protest too much, methinks! 1:16:54.836,1:16:57.326 Haha, whoa, she protests too much, get it? 1:16:57.326,1:17:00.076 Get it? Get it? Whoa. She[br]doesn't get it. That's okay! 1:17:00.076,1:17:02.546 (I'll explain it later)[br]My lord, Act II 1:17:02.546,1:17:03.616 Gesundheit! 1:17:29.920,1:17:31.890 I’ll take the ghost’s word[br]for a thousand pound! 1:17:31.890,1:17:33.980 My lord, the queen would[br]speak with you in her closet 1:17:33.980,1:17:38.060 - Then will I come to my mother[br]- Behind the arras I’ll convey myself to hear the process 1:17:39.620,1:17:44.490 - Now, mother, what’s the matter?[br]- Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended 1:17:44.490,1:17:49.060 - Mother, you have my father much offended[br]- What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? Help! 1:17:49.060,1:17:51.230 Help! Help! 1:17:51.230,1:17:52.600 How now? A rat! 1:17:53.485,1:17:57.625 Nooooo... noooooo... 1:17:57.625,1:18:00.995 It will hurt... 1:18:03.408,1:18:06.558 I told you so... 1:18:11.980,1:18:14.050 Dead for a ducat, aww 1:18:15.170,1:18:16.640 - Where's Polonius?[br]- At supper! 1:18:16.640,1:18:20.640 - At supper? Where?[br]- Not where he eats, but where he is eaten 1:18:20.640,1:18:22.910 - O no, it’s Laertes![br]- Son of Polonius 1:18:22.910,1:18:24.750 - Brother to Ophelia![br]- And a snappy dresser! 1:18:24.750,1:18:28.630 Why, thanks. O, thou vile king![br]Give me my father! How came he dead? 1:18:28.630,1:18:31.070 I’ll be revenged for Polonius’s murder! 1:18:36.515,1:18:38.455 How now, what noise is this?[br] 1:18:42.766,1:18:45.956 Dear maid, kind sister, sweet, Ophelia! 1:18:55.348,1:18:57.688 I'm mad! I'm out[br]of my tiny little mind! 1:18:57.688,1:19:00.838 I'm screwy-louie, I'm...[br]See, this is acting! 1:19:00.838,1:19:04.668 Here’s rue for you, here is[br]rosemary for remembrance 1:19:04.668,1:19:09.788 and I would have given you violets,[br]but they withered all when my father died 1:19:11.754,1:19:13.324 I’m starting to feel[br]a little nauseous here 1:19:16.804,1:19:17.824 I'm about to die! 1:19:17.824,1:19:21.824 Hamlet comes back. What would I undertake[br]to show myself, my father's son, in deed... 1:19:21.824,1:19:24.214 Wait, hold on, Reed, before you[br]go on to the next scene with Ophelia 1:19:24.214,1:19:25.514 There's no more scenes with Ophelia 1:19:25.514,1:19:27.594 - C'mon, I'm up for it![br]- No, that's all Shakespeare wrote! 1:19:27.594,1:19:29.614 - What happens to her?[br]- She drowns! 1:19:31.153,1:19:32.353 - Okay, cool![br]- Okay! 1:19:33.711,1:19:37.371 To cut his throat in the church;[br]I'll do that, and I'll anoint my sword... 1:19:51.061,1:19:54.201 I’ll anoint my sword with an unction[br]so mortal that where it draws blood 1:19:54.201,1:19:56.791 No cataplasm can save[br]the thing from this compulsion 1:19:57.622,1:19:59.242 I don't know what it means either! 1:20:06.239,1:20:10.239 This skull had a tongue in it,[br]and could sing once 1:20:10.239,1:20:14.079 but then came the[br]Nutrisystem Weight Loss Program! 1:20:15.717,1:20:18.527 Alas, poor Yorick![br]I knew him! 1:20:19.037,1:20:21.817 But soft! Here comes the queen![br]Couch me awhile, and mark! 1:20:21.817,1:20:25.697 Lay her in the earth; and from her fair[br]and unpolluted flesh, may violets spring 1:20:25.697,1:20:28.747 Sweets to the sweet Ophelia. Farewell! 1:20:28.747,1:20:31.987 Hold off the earth awhile, ‘till I have[br]caught her once more in mine arms 1:20:31.987,1:20:39.037 What is he worse grief bears such an emphasis?[br]Haya! This is I, Hamlet the great Dane! 1:20:44.203,1:20:47.193 I will fight with him until[br]my eyelids no longer wag 1:20:47.193,1:20:51.423 The cat will mew, and the dog will[br]have his day. Come! Give us the foils! 1:20:51.423,1:20:53.983 - Come, one for me![br]- Now be careful. Those are sharp! 1:20:55.078,1:20:56.658 - Come, sir![br]- Come, my lord! 1:20:58.176,1:20:59.556 Look! Amelia Earhart! 1:20:59.556,1:21:00.716 - Where?[br]- There! 1:21:00.716,1:21:02.166 One! (No!) Judgement? 1:21:02.166,1:21:03.866 A hit, a hit; a very palpable hit! 1:21:03.866,1:21:05.736 Yeah, Hamlet, drink off this cup! 1:21:06.976,1:21:09.250 - Nay![br]- Yeah, Hamlet, drink off this cup! 1:21:09.480,1:21:13.840 Nay, set it by awhile, mother![br]Father, uncle, whatever the hell you are... 1:21:15.726,1:21:17.826 Come again, Laertes! 1:21:18.982,1:21:21.332 - Another hit, what say you?[br]- A touch, a touch, I do confess! 1:21:21.332,1:21:23.802 - O take this! (No!)[br]- The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet 1:21:23.802,1:21:26.212 - Madam, do not drink![br]- I will, my lord. I pray you pardon me 1:21:26.212,1:21:27.972 It is the poisoned cup! It is too late! 1:21:29.032,1:21:30.602 Come again, Laertes! 1:21:30.602,1:21:31.722 For the third! 1:21:42.794,1:21:45.584 - How fair is the Queen?[br]- She swoons to see thee bleed 1:21:45.786,1:21:51.896 No. The drink! The drink! I am poisoned! 1:21:54.163,1:21:57.823 O villainy! Treachery! Seek it out! 1:21:57.823,1:22:03.223 It is here, Hamlet. Here I lie, never to rise again[br]I can no more. The king. The king’s to blame 1:22:03.223,1:22:07.213 What? The point envenom'd too?[br]Then, venom, to thy work! 1:22:07.213,1:22:16.233 Here, thou murd'rous, incestuous...[br]cross-dressing Dane: Follow my mother! 1:22:20.638,1:22:25.638 Forgive me, Hamlet. I am justly[br]killed by mine own treachery 1:22:27.876,1:22:34.446 Heaven make thee free of it...[br]I follow thee! 1:22:35.984,1:22:42.504 You that look pale, or tremble at this chance[br]That are but mutes, or audience to this act 1:22:43.094,1:22:48.734 If ever thou did’st hold me in thy hearts[br]Absent thee from felicity awhile 1:22:49.792,1:23:01.272 And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain[br]To tell my story... The rest is silence! 1:23:39.294,1:23:43.014 Ladies and gentlemen,[br]we shall have an encore! 1:23:48.067,1:23:49.767 Okay, thank you![br]We got about 3 more minutes 1:23:49.767,1:23:52.227 so we are gonna go through Hamlet[br]one more time very quickly for you 1:23:52.227,1:23:55.457 I just need to make one quick announcement[br]because we have a few children here tonight 1:23:55.457,1:23:58.347 As we go through this, we are[br]gonna be moving very fast this time 1:23:58.347,1:24:01.977 Now, there's a lot of sharp swords[br]that we use, there's falls that we take 1:24:01.977,1:24:05.397 There's props that we send flying[br]back and forth, we make it look easy 1:24:05.397,1:24:08.117 But it's actually very difficult[br]and very dangerous, so... 1:24:08.117,1:24:13.177 As you watch us do it, please, keep in mind[br]that the 3 of us are trained professionals, okay? 1:24:13.177,1:24:15.577 Do not try this at home! 1:24:15.577,1:24:16.997 Right, kid? 1:24:17.722,1:24:20.452 Yeah, go over to a friend's[br]house, it's much safer... 1:24:28.101,1:24:31.841 - O that this too too solid flesh would melt[br]- My lord, I think I saw your father yesternight 1:24:31.841,1:24:34.091 - Would the night were come[br]- Mark me! 1:24:34.091,1:24:35.911 - Something is rotten in the state of Denmark[br]- Revenge my murder 1:24:35.911,1:24:36.871 My lord, this is strange 1:24:36.871,1:24:38.851 Well, there are more things[br]in heaven and earth, so piss off 1:24:38.851,1:24:40.761 To be or not to be, that is the question... 1:24:40.761,1:24:41.991 Get thee to a nunnery! 1:24:41.991,1:24:44.121 Speak the speech,[br]trippingly on the tongue 1:24:44.631,1:24:48.551 I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand[br]pound. Now, mother, what’s the matter? 1:24:48.551,1:24:50.071 Thou wilt not murder me. Help! 1:24:50.071,1:24:51.831 Help! Help! 1:24:51.831,1:24:54.041 How now, a rat! Dead for a ducat, dead! 1:24:54.041,1:24:56.251 - Now, Hamlet, where’s Polonius?[br]- At supper 1:24:56.251,1:24:57.351 - Where is my father?[br]- Dead! 1:24:58.083,1:24:59.383 Sweet Ophelia! 1:24:59.383,1:25:01.783 Alas, poor Yorick! But soft,[br]here comes the Queen 1:25:01.783,1:25:03.583 - Lay her in the earth![br]- Sweet to the sweet 1:25:03.583,1:25:06.433 - Hold off the earth awhile[br]- It is I, Omelet the cheese Danish 1:25:06.433,1:25:08.123 - The devil take thy soul![br]- Give us the foils! 1:25:08.123,1:25:10.903 - One for me. O! I am slain![br]- O, I am poisoned! 1:25:10.903,1:25:12.353 I follow thee. The rest is silence! 1:25:30.322,1:25:34.932 Ladies and gentlemen,[br]we shall do it... faster! 1:25:37.514,1:25:38.954 O my brain! 1:26:07.412,1:26:13.432 Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a[br]fantastic audience. We shall do it... backwards! 1:26:19.410,1:26:21.180 I got caught up in the moment! 1:26:21.549,1:26:23.159 How the hell is that gonna work? 1:26:31.565,1:26:32.645 This could be you! 1:26:42.118,1:26:46.118 Oh, yeah, be sure to listen[br]for the satanic messages 1:26:49.730,1:26:52.300 Silence is rest the. Thee follow I 1:26:52.300,1:26:53.910 Frank Sinatra is gone! 1:26:54.523,1:26:55.483 Slain am I O! 1:26:56.463,1:26:59.223 Foils the us give.[br]Dane the Hamlet, I is this 1:26:59.223,1:27:01.023 - Earth the off hold[br]- Sweet the to sweets 1:27:01.023,1:27:04.413 - Earth the in her lay[br]- Queen the comes here. Yorick poor, alas 1:27:04.413,1:27:05.563 Ophelia sweet! 1:27:06.270,1:27:08.510 - Father my is where?[br]- Dead. Ducat a for dead 1:27:12.423,1:27:15.003 Tongue the on trippingly[br]speech the speak 1:27:15.950,1:27:17.390 Nunnery a to thee get! 1:27:17.390,1:27:18.990 - Lord my good[br]- Be to not or be to 1:27:18.990,1:27:21.440 Off piss, Horatio, earth and[br]heaven in things more are there 1:27:21.440,1:27:22.390 Strange is this, lord my 1:27:23.458,1:27:25.248 Denmark of state the[br]in rotten is something 1:27:25.248,1:27:26.857 Yesternight father your[br]saw I think I, Lord my 1:27:26.857,1:27:29.857 Melt would flesh solid[br]too too this that O 1:27:29.857,1:27:31.297 You thank! 1:27:31.297,1:27:32.637 Thank you!