1
00:00:00,952 --> 00:00:05,136
Two months ago, my kids and I
huddled around a cell phone

2
00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,456
watching the live stream
of the Game Awards,

3
00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:10,376
one of the video game
industry's biggest nights.

4
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:14,056
They announced the nominees
for the Game for Impact,

5
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:17,136
an award that's given
to a thought-provoking video game

6
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,936
with a profound prosocial
message or meaning.

7
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:22,656
They opened the envelope

8
00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:25,896
and they read the title of our video game.

9
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,296
An award ...

10
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,136
for impact.

11
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:30,856
It was almost funny, actually,

12
00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,536
because I always thought
that winning an award like that

13
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:36,216
would have this huge impact on my life,

14
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:39,000
but I found that the opposite is true.

15
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,256
The big nights,

16
00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:43,376
the accomplishments --

17
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,976
they fade.

18
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,416
But the hardest nights of my life
have stuck with me,

19
00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,936
impacting who I am

20
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,680
and what I do.

21
00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:59,560
In 2010, my third son, Joel, was diagnosed
with a rare and aggressive brain tumor.

22
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,416
And before that year was finished,

23
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,976
doctors sat my husband and I down

24
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:08,256
and let us know
that his tumor had returned

25
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:13,000
despite the most aggressive chemotherapy
and radiation that they could offer him.

26
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,976
On that terrible night,

27
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:20,096
after learning that Joel
had perhaps four months to live,

28
00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:22,976
I cuddled up with
my two older sons in bed --

29
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,536
they were five and three at the time --

30
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,656
and I never really knew
how much they understood,

31
00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:32,376
so I started telling them a bedtime story.

32
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:36,256
I told them about this
very brave knight named Joel

33
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:40,920
and his adventure fighting
a terrible dragon called cancer.

34
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,776
Every night, I told them
more of the story,

35
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,816
but I never let the story end.

36
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,976
I was just building up a context
that they could understand

37
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,256
and hoping that our prayers
would be answered

38
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,776
and I would never
have to tell them that that knight,

39
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,096
who had fought so bravely,

40
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,656
was done fighting

41
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,960
and could rest now, forever.

42
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:06,936
Fortunately, I never did have to
finish that bedtime story.

43
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,136
My children outgrew it.

44
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:13,256
Joel responded better than anyone expected
to palliative treatment,

45
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,936
and so instead of months,

46
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:21,240
we spent years learning how to love
our dying child with all of our hearts.

47
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:24,616
Learning to recognize
that shameful feeling

48
00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:27,536
of holding back just a little love

49
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,416
to try to spare ourselves
just a little pain

50
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,000
somewhere further down the road.

51
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,216
We pushed past that self-preservation

52
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:41,160
because Joel was worth loving
even if that love could crush us.

53
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:46,640
And that lesson of intense
vulnerability has changed me ...

54
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:50,000
more than any award ever could.

55
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,736
We started living like Joel could live,

56
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:59,000
and we began developing a video game
called "That Dragon, Cancer."

57
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,040
It was the story of Joel.

58
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,256
It was the story of hope
in the shadow of death.

59
00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:07,800
It was the story of faith

60
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,096
and doubt,

61
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:15,240
and the realization that a wrestle
with doubt is a part of faith --

62
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:17,680
maybe the biggest part of it.

63
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,016
It was a story that began as a miracle

64
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,480
and ended as a memorial.

65
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:27,936
(Music)

66
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:29,216
(Giggle)

67
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,576
(Clapping)

68
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:34,176
(Music)

69
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,256
(Video) Dad: Bouncing around,
do you like that?

70
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:38,496
(Giggle)

71
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:39,736
I love your giggle.

72
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,920
(Music)

73
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,760
(Giggle)

74
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:54,360
[A Journey of Hope In the Shadow of Death]

75
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:58,296
[That Dragon, Cancer]

76
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,400
(Music)

77
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,456
When you play "That Dragon, Cancer,"

78
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:09,456
you're transformed
into a witness of Joel's life,

79
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,656
exploring an emotional landscape,

80
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:17,216
clicking to discover more of what
we as a family felt and experienced.

81
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:21,776
It feels a little bit
like analyzing interactive poetry

82
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,136
because every game mechanic is a metaphor,

83
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,536
and so the more the player asks themselves

84
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:30,496
what we as designers
were trying to express and why,

85
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,880
the richer the experience becomes.

86
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,416
We took that vulnerability
that Joel taught us,

87
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,000
and we encoded the game with it.

88
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:43,096
Players expect their video games
to offer them branching narrative

89
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:46,656
so that every decision
that they make feels important

90
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:49,376
and can change the outcome of the game.

91
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:52,176
We subverted that principle
of game design,

92
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,576
collapsing the choices in on the player

93
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,376
so that they discover for themselves

94
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:01,600
that there is nothing that they can do
that will change the outcome for Joel.

95
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:08,056
And they feel that discovery
as deeply and desperately as we felt it

96
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:12,256
on nights when we held Joel
in our arms praying for hours,

97
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:17,720
stubbornly holding out hope for a grace
that we could not create for ourselves.

98
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,320
We'd all prefer to win,

99
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,520
but when you discover that you can't win,

100
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,200
what do you value instead?

101
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,816
I never planned to write video games,

102
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,376
but these moments
that really change our lives,

103
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:36,520
they often come as the result
of our hardship -- and not our glory.

104
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,616
When we thought that Joel could live,

105
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,776
I left the game designing to my husband.

106
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,856
I chimed in here and there

107
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,856
with a scene or two and some suggestions.

108
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,520
But after the night that Joel died,

109
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,896
the passion,

110
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:56,096
the possibility of sharing Joel's life
through our video game --

111
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,256
it was something that I couldn't resist.

112
00:05:58,280 --> 00:05:59,616
I started writing more,

113
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:02,056
I sat in on our team's design meetings,

114
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:05,176
I added more ideas
and I helped direct scenes.

115
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:10,096
And I discovered that creating
a video game is telling a story,

116
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,856
but with an entirely new vocabulary.

117
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:18,416
All the same elements of imagination
and symbolism are there,

118
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:21,056
but they're just partnered
with player agency

119
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,080
and system responsiveness.

120
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:25,736
It's challenging work.

121
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,776
I have to think
in a totally new way to do it,

122
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,456
but I love it.

123
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,080
And I wouldn't have known
that without Joel.

124
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,576
Maybe you're a little surprised

125
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:41,680
by our choice to share our story
of terminal cancer through a video game.

126
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,696
Perhaps you're even thinking
like so many people before you:

127
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,040
cancer is not a game.

128
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,456
Well, tell that
to any pediatric cancer parent

129
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:55,416
that's ever taken an exam glove
and blown it up into a balloon,

130
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,176
or transformed a syringe
into a rocket ship,

131
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:02,336
or let their child ride their IV pole
through the hospital halls

132
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,040
like it was a race car.

133
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,976
Because when you have children,

134
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,840
everything is a game.

135
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:13,576
And when your young child
experiences something traumatic,

136
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:17,656
you work even harder to make sure
that their life feels like a game

137
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:21,560
because children naturally
explore their worlds through play.

138
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:25,256
While cancer can steal
many things from a family,

139
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:26,880
it shouldn't steal play.

140
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,456
If you're listening to me
and you're trying to imagine this family

141
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,696
that revolves entirely
around a dying child,

142
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:39,736
and you can't imagine joy
as part of that picture,

143
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,816
then we were right
to share our story with you,

144
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:46,496
because that season of our life was hard.

145
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:49,296
Unspeakably hard at times,

146
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,400
but it was also pure hope,

147
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,616
deep love

148
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,520
and joy like I have never
experienced since.

149
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:01,856
Our video game was our attempt
to share that world

150
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,096
with people who hadn't
experienced it before,

151
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,920
because we never could imagine
that world until it became ours.

152
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,240
We made a video game that's hard to play.

153
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,616
It will never be a blockbuster.

154
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:19,376
People have to prepare themselves
to invest emotionally

155
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,920
in a story that they know
will break their hearts.

156
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,216
But when our hearts break,

157
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,560
they heal a little differently.

158
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:34,895
My broken heart has been healing
with a new and a deeper compassion --

159
00:08:34,919 --> 00:08:37,856
a desire to sit with people in their pain,

160
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,895
to hear their stories
and try to help tell them

161
00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:42,880
so that they know that they're seen.

162
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:48,936
On the night when "That Dragon, Cancer"
won the Game for Impact Award,

163
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,376
we cheered,

164
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,576
we smiled and we talked about Joel

165
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,856
and the impact he had on our life --

166
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:59,976
on all of those hard and hopeful nights
that we shared with him

167
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,456
when he changed our hearts

168
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:07,360
and taught us so much more
about life and love and faith and purpose.

169
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:14,320
That award will never mean as much to me
as even a single photograph of my son,

170
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:19,856
but it does represent all of the people
who his life has impacted,

171
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,976
people I'll never meet.

172
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,360
They write me emails sometimes.

173
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:30,336
They tell me that they miss Joel,
even though they never met him.

174
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:35,000
They describe the tears
that they've shed for my son,

175
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,736
and it makes my burden of grief
just a little bit lighter

176
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,856
knowing that it's shared
with a 10-year-old

177
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,896
watching a YouTube playthrough,

178
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:48,136
or a doctor playing on his airplane
with a smartphone,

179
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:53,600
or a professor introducing Joel
to her first-year philosophy students.

180
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:58,400
We made a video game that's hard to play.

181
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:02,216
But that feels just right to me,

182
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:04,816
because the hardest moments of our lives

183
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,320
change us more than any goal
we could ever accomplish.

184
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,976
Tragedy has shifted my heart

185
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,040
more than any dream
I could ever see come true.

186
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,336
Thank you.

187
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:21,598
(Applause)