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Two months ago, my kids and I[br]huddled around a cell phone

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watching the live stream[br]of the Game Awards,

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one of the video game[br]industry's biggest nights.

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They announced the nominees[br]for the Game for Impact,

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an award that's given[br]to a thought-provoking video game

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with a profound prosocial[br]message or meaning.

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They opened the envelope

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and they read the title of our video game.

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An award ...

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for impact.

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It was almost funny, actually,

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because I always thought[br]that winning an award like that

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would have this huge impact on my life,

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but I found that the opposite is true.

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The big nights,

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the accomplishments --

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they fade.

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But the hardest nights of my life[br]have stuck with me,

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impacting who I am

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and what I do.

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In 2010, my third son, Joel, was diagnosed[br]with a rare and aggressive brain tumor.

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And before that year was finished,

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doctors sat my husband and I down

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and let us know[br]that his tumor had returned

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despite the most aggressive chemotherapy[br]and radiation that they could offer him.

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On that terrible night,

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after learning that Joel[br]had perhaps four months to live,

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I cuddled up with[br]my two older sons in bed --

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they were five and three at the time --

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and I never really knew[br]how much they understood,

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so I started telling them a bedtime story.

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I told them about this[br]very brave knight named Joel

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and his adventure fighting[br]a terrible dragon called cancer.

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Every night, I told them[br]more of the story,

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but I never let the story end.

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I was just building up a context[br]that they could understand

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and hoping that our prayers[br]would be answered

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and I would never[br]have to tell them that that knight,

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who had fought so bravely,

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was done fighting

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and could rest now, forever.

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Fortunately, I never did have to[br]finish that bedtime story.

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My children outgrew it.

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Joel responded better than anyone expected[br]to palliative treatment,

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and so instead of months,

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we spent years learning how to love[br]our dying child with all of our hearts.

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Learning to recognize[br]that shameful feeling

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of holding back just a little love

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to try to spare ourselves[br]just a little pain

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somewhere further down the road.

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We pushed past that self-preservation

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because Joel was worth loving[br]even if that love could crush us.

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And that lesson of intense[br]vulnerability has changed me ...

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more than any award ever could.

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We started living like Joel could live,

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and we began developing a video game[br]called "That Dragon, Cancer."

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It was the story of Joel.

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It was the story of hope[br]in the shadow of death.

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It was the story of faith

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and doubt,

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and the realization that a wrestle[br]with doubt is a part of faith --

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maybe the biggest part of it.

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It was a story that began as a miracle

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and ended as a memorial.

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(Music)

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(Giggle)

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(Clapping)

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(Music)

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(Video) Dad: Bouncing around,[br]do you like that?

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(Giggle)

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I love your giggle.

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(Music)

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(Giggle)

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[A Journey of Hope In the Shadow of Death]

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[That Dragon, Cancer]

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(Music)

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When you play "That Dragon, Cancer,"

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you're transformed[br]into a witness of Joel's life,

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exploring an emotional landscape,

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clicking to discover more of what[br]we as a family felt and experienced.

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It feels a little bit[br]like analyzing interactive poetry

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because every game mechanic is a metaphor,

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and so the more the player asks themselves

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what we as designers[br]were trying to express and why,

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the richer the experience becomes.

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We took that vulnerability[br]that Joel taught us,

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and we encoded the game with it.

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Players expect their video games[br]to offer them branching narrative

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so that every decision[br]that they make feels important

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and can change the outcome of the game.

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We subverted that principle[br]of game design,

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collapsing the choices in on the player

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so that they discover for themselves

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that there is nothing that they can do[br]that will change the outcome for Joel.

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And they feel that discovery[br]as deeply and desperately as we felt it

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on nights when we held Joel[br]in our arms praying for hours,

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stubbornly holding out hope for a grace[br]that we could not create for ourselves.

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We'd all prefer to win,

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but when you discover that you can't win,

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what do you value instead?

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I never planned to write video games,

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but these moments[br]that really change our lives,

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they often come as the result[br]of our hardship -- and not our glory.

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When we thought that Joel could live,

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I left the game designing to my husband.

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I chimed in here and there

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with a scene or two and some suggestions.

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But after the night that Joel died,

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the passion,

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the possibility of sharing Joel's life[br]through our video game --

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it was something that I couldn't resist.

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I started writing more,

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I sat in on our team's design meetings,

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I added more ideas[br]and I helped direct scenes.

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And I discovered that creating[br]a video game is telling a story,

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but with an entirely new vocabulary.

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All the same elements of imagination[br]and symbolism are there,

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but they're just partnered[br]with player agency

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and system responsiveness.

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It's challenging work.

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I have to think[br]in a totally new way to do it,

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but I love it.

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And I wouldn't have known[br]that without Joel.

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Maybe you're a little surprised

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by our choice to share our story[br]of terminal cancer through a video game.

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Perhaps you're even thinking[br]like so many people before you:

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cancer is not a game.

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Well, tell that[br]to any pediatric cancer parent

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that's ever taken an exam glove[br]and blown it up into a balloon,

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or transformed a syringe[br]into a rocket ship,

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or let their child ride their IV pole[br]through the hospital halls

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like it was a race car.

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Because when you have children,

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everything is a game.

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And when your young child[br]experiences something traumatic,

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you work even harder to make sure[br]that their life feels like a game

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because children naturally[br]explore their worlds through play.

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While cancer can steal[br]many things from a family,

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it shouldn't steal play.

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If you're listening to me[br]and you're trying to imagine this family

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that revolves entirely[br]around a dying child,

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and you can't imagine joy[br]as part of that picture,

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then we were right[br]to share our story with you,

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because that season of our life was hard.

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Unspeakably hard at times,

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but it was also pure hope,

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deep love

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and joy like I have never[br]experienced since.

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Our video game was our attempt[br]to share that world

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with people who hadn't[br]experienced it before,

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because we never could imagine[br]that world until it became ours.

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We made a video game that's hard to play.

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It will never be a blockbuster.

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People have to prepare themselves[br]to invest emotionally

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in a story that they know[br]will break their hearts.

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But when our hearts break,

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they heal a little differently.

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My broken heart has been healing[br]with a new and a deeper compassion --

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a desire to sit with people in their pain,

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to hear their stories[br]and try to help tell them

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so that they know that they're seen.

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On the night when "That Dragon, Cancer"[br]won the Game for Impact Award,

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we cheered,

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we smiled and we talked about Joel

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and the impact he had on our life --

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on all of those hard and hopeful nights[br]that we shared with him

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when he changed our hearts

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and taught us so much more[br]about life and love and faith and purpose.

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That award will never mean as much to me[br]as even a single photograph of my son,

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but it does represent all of the people[br]who his life has impacted,

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people I'll never meet.

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They write me emails sometimes.

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They tell me that they miss Joel,[br]even though they never met him.

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They describe the tears[br]that they've shed for my son,

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and it makes my burden of grief[br]just a little bit lighter

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knowing that it's shared[br]with a 10-year-old

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watching a YouTube playthrough,

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or a doctor playing on his airplane[br]with a smartphone,

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or a professor introducing Joel[br]to her first-year philosophy students.

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We made a video game that's hard to play.

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But that feels just right to me,

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because the hardest moments of our lives

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change us more than any goal[br]we could ever accomplish.

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Tragedy has shifted my heart

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more than any dream[br]I could ever see come true.

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Thank you.

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(Applause)