WEBVTT

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[birds chirping]

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[door slams]

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[baby coo-ing]

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[baby coo-ing]

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[♫♫: Upbeat banjo music]

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[♫♫]

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[music stops]

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[♫♫: music continues]

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Woman: [sobbing]
Man: Look, we all make mistakes!

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"The Cyanide & Happiness Show"

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[♫♫: Piano Accordion music]

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Episode 3 "Grandpa's War Stories"

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{♫♫: Dramatic music]

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[computer bleeps and buzzes]

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[bleeping sound]

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>>: Hmmm! ... Ah!

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[ZAP]

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[sharp intake of breath]

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[♫♫: Suspense music]

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"43,247 years earlier"

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[♫♫]

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[ZAP]

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>>: Arrgghh!

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[♫♫: Suspense music]

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<<: Caveman: Ooo Boo Yah! Berrr!

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<<: Caveman: Ow! Wooow!

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>>: Orr!

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[♫♫: Dramatic music]

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[ZAP]

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>>: Grrr!

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[birds chirping] [♫♫: uplifting music]

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[ZAP]

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[♫♫]

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[Phoomph!]

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[ZAP]

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[♫♫]

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[ZAP]

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[ZAP]

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[ZAP]

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[ZAP]

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[ZAP]

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[ZAP]

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[♫♫: Sad music]

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[zap]

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[Z-A-P]

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[♫♫: Uplifting music]

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[ZAP]

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>>: Uh!

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Narrator: Four scientists from
the future

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armed with a hunger for knowledge
and a time machine

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embark on a quest to find ...

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The Most Achient Joke In The Book

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[ZAP]

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[birds chirping]

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[squawk]

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Dinosaur Growl: Ha, Ha, Ha!

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Ha, Ha, Ha!

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>>: Ha, Ha, Ha!

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<<: Squeal

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>>: Ha!

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<<: [Squeal]

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>>: Ha, Ha!

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[explosion]

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[G-R-O-W-L]

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[animals squawk and squeal]

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[ZAP]

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Narrator: The Most Ancient Joke
in The Book

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[♫♫]

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Mother: Alright sweetie, here we are.
You can open your eyes now.

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Girl: Kitties!
Mother: That's right ...

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... and since it's your birthday,
you get to pick out

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any cat you like. Okay?

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Girl: Okay. Uh, I want, I want,
that one!

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>>: Mwaaaw!

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Mother: Are you sure, because, er ...

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Girl: That one, that one, that one!

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"Clawford the Big Blue Cat"
[children cheering]

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Mother: Now you have to remember,
having a kitty is a

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big responsibility. Can you take
care of him?

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Girl: Air conditioning!

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Mother: You're going to have to
feed him, change his litter box ...

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Girl: Air makes my face cold.

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Cat: Mwaaaw!

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[♫♫: Playful music] [Phone Rings]

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Mother: I've got it.
[Phone Ring continues]

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[Phone Rings inside cat]

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[Barf]

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[Phone Rings]
Mother: Hello.

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Man: Will you please get your cat
to stop shitting on my lawn!

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Mother: Are you sure it wasn't your dog?

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Man: Yes, I'm pretty sure
considering it's bright blue and,

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I don't know, my dog is
TRAPPED UNDERNEATH IT!

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Cat: Growl.

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Man: Control your giant cat or
I'm calling the cops!

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Mother: Sweetie, can you please
come in here?

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Girl: Hi Mom.

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Mother: We need to talk - 
I think the kitty has to go.

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Girl: But Clawford loves me.

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Mother: Maybe we can get you a
regular sized cat.

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[sobbing]

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Mother: Fine. We can keep him.

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Girl: Yay! Thanks Mom.

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[♫♫: Clown music] [Girl giggles]

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[birds squawk]

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[♫♫: Doleful music]

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[TV in background]

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Girl: Mommy, mommy, mommy!

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mommy, mommy, mom ...
Have you seen Clawford?

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Mother: That's nice.
Girl: I can't find him anywhere!

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Mother: Mommy's busy, go play
with your cat.

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Girl: Ah - there he is.

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[tires screech]

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Girl shouts: Clawford!

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[engine revs]

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Cat: Growl!

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[crash!]

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Girl: Yay!

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Mother: Looks like old Clawford's pretty hurt.

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I think we're going to have to put him down.

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Driver: Please - help me!

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Girl: But he's okay. Clawford's okay.

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Mother: No, he's in a lot of pain
sweetie ... lot of pain!

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Driver: My colon's hanging outside my body!

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Girl: But ... Clawford!

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Mother: Sometimes we have to
say goodbye to our pets honey.

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It's what Clawford would want.

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Don't you want what Clawford
would want?

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[Girl sobs]
Driver: That's a big cat.

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Mother: Come on sweetie ...

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we need to put him out of
my ... his misery.

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It's the right thing to do.

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Driver: This is a total
cat-astrophy!

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Vet: Ah, best part of the job ...

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... casual Friday. When I get
to kill animals.

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Mother & Girl: Argh!

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Vet: Nah, I'm just kidding.

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Let's get this show on the road.
Sorry kid.

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Cat: Rwarrr! Rworrr! Rwarrr!

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Vet: Hmm. We may have a
problem here.

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<< Cat: Rwarrr!

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[♫♫: Dramatic music]

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Cat: Rwarrr! Rwarrr! Rwarrr!

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Doctor 1: Is everything okay in here?

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Cat: Rwarrr! Rworrr! Rwarrr!

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<<: G-R-O-W-L

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<<: Waowww!

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<<: G-R-O-W-L

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W-A-O-W-W-W-!

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Mother: Come on honey, 
let's go home.

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Girl: Okay.
Thank you. Bye!

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"Best Fishes Aquariam Superstore"
[♫♫: Uplifting music]

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Mother: Alright sweetie, you get
to pick out any pet you want. Okay?

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Girl: Okay. Umm, that one!

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[SNAP, SNAP - SNAP, SNAP]

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Mother: Alright, you can get it.

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Cat: Rwarrr!

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[Girl screams]

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Cat: Rwarrr!

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Girl: Clawford!

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[Cat purring]

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Girl: Ha, ha, ha. Clawford. Yeah!

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[♫♫: Triumphant music]

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>>: Wah-hee!

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♫♫: Yeah, yeah - got a giant kitty-cat.

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♫♫: Can do what I fucking want.

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♫♫: Now that momma's gone.
Best friends.

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♫♫: We're gonna take on
the whole world ...

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♫♫: bright, fucking blue ...
that's me and you!