[birds chirping]
[door slams]
[baby coo-ing]
[♫♫: Upbeat banjo music]
[♫♫]
[music stops]
[♫♫: music continues]
Woman: [sobbing] Man: Look, we all make mistakes!
"The Cyanide & Happiness Show"
[♫♫: Piano Accordion music]
Episode 3 "Grandpa's War Stories"
{♫♫: Dramatic music]
[computer bleeps and buzzes]
[bleeping sound]
>>: Hmmm! ... Ah!
[ZAP]
[sharp intake of breath]
[♫♫: Suspense music]
"43,247 years earlier"
[♫♫]
[ZAP]
>>: Arrgghh!
[♫♫: Suspense music]
<<: Caveman: Ooo Boo Yah! Berrr!
<<: Caveman: Ow! Wooow!
>>: Orr!
[♫♫: Dramatic music]
[ZAP]
>>: Grrr!
[birds chirping] [♫♫: uplifting music]
[ZAP]
[♫♫]
[Phoomph!]
[ZAP]
[♫♫]
[ZAP]
[♫♫: Sad music]
[zap]
[Z-A-P]
[♫♫: Uplifting music]
[ZAP]
>>: Uh!
Narrator: Four scientists from the future
armed with a hunger for knowledge and a time machine
embark on a quest to find ...
The Most Achient Joke In The Book
[ZAP]
[birds chirping]
[squawk]
Dinosaur Growl: Ha, Ha, Ha!
Ha, Ha, Ha!
>>: Ha, Ha, Ha!
<<: Squeal
>>: Ha!
<<: [Squeal]
>>: Ha, Ha!
[explosion]
[G-R-O-W-L]
[animals squawk and squeal]
[ZAP]
Narrator: The Most Ancient Joke in The Book
[♫♫]
Mother: Alright sweetie, here we are. You can open your eyes now.
Girl: Kitties! Mother: That's right ...
... and since it's your birthday, you get to pick out
any cat you like. Okay?
Girl: Okay. Uh, I want, I want, that one!
>>: Mwaaaw!
Mother: Are you sure, because, er ...
Girl: That one, that one, that one!
"Clawford the Big Blue Cat" [children cheering]
Mother: Now you have to remember, having a kitty is a
big responsibility. Can you take care of him?
Girl: Air conditioning!
Mother: You're going to have to feed him, change his litter box ...
Girl: Air makes my face cold.
Cat: Mwaaaw!
[♫♫: Playful music] [Phone Rings]
Mother: I've got it. [Phone Ring continues]
[Phone Rings inside cat]
[Barf]
[Phone Rings] Mother: Hello.
Man: Will you please get your cat to stop shitting on my lawn!
Mother: Are you sure it wasn't your dog?
Man: Yes, I'm pretty sure considering it's bright blue and,
I don't know, my dog is TRAPPED UNDERNEATH IT!
Cat: Growl.
Man: Control your giant cat or I'm calling the cops!
Mother: Sweetie, can you please come in here?
Girl: Hi Mom.
Mother: We need to talk - I think the kitty has to go.
Girl: But Clawford loves me.
Mother: Maybe we can get you a regular sized cat.
[sobbing]
Mother: Fine. We can keep him.
Girl: Yay! Thanks Mom.
[♫♫: Clown music] [Girl giggles]
[birds squawk]
[♫♫: Doleful music]
[TV in background]
Girl: Mommy, mommy, mommy!
mommy, mommy, mom ... Have you seen Clawford?
Mother: That's nice. Girl: I can't find him anywhere!
Mother: Mommy's busy, go play with your cat.
Girl: Ah - there he is.
[tires screech]
Girl shouts: Clawford!
[engine revs]
Cat: Growl!
[crash!]
Girl: Yay!
Mother: Looks like old Clawford's pretty hurt.
I think we're going to have to put him down.
Driver: Please - help me!
Girl: But he's okay. Clawford's okay.
Mother: No, he's in a lot of pain sweetie ... lot of pain!
Driver: My colon's hanging outside my body!
Girl: But ... Clawford!
Mother: Sometimes we have to say goodbye to our pets honey.
It's what Clawford would want.
Don't you want what Clawford would want?
[Girl sobs] Driver: That's a big cat.
Mother: Come on sweetie ...
we need to put him out of my ... his misery.
It's the right thing to do.
Driver: This is a total cat-astrophy!
Vet: Ah, best part of the job ...
... casual Friday. When I get to kill animals.
Mother & Girl: Argh!
Vet: Nah, I'm just kidding.
Let's get this show on the road. Sorry kid.
Cat: Rwarrr! Rworrr! Rwarrr!
Vet: Hmm. We may have a problem here.
<< Cat: Rwarrr!
[♫♫: Dramatic music]
Cat: Rwarrr! Rwarrr! Rwarrr!
Doctor 1: Is everything okay in here?
Cat: Rwarrr! Rworrr! Rwarrr!
<<: G-R-O-W-L
<<: Waowww!
<<: G-R-O-W-L
W-A-O-W-W-W-!
Mother: Come on honey, let's go home.
Girl: Okay. Thank you. Bye!
"Best Fishes Aquariam Superstore" [♫♫: Uplifting music]
Mother: Alright sweetie, you get to pick out any pet you want. Okay?
Girl: Okay. Umm, that one!
[SNAP, SNAP - SNAP, SNAP]
Mother: Alright, you can get it.
Cat: Rwarrr!
[Girl screams]
Cat: Rwarrr!
Girl: Clawford!
[Cat purring]
Girl: Ha, ha, ha. Clawford. Yeah!
[♫♫: Triumphant music]
>>: Wah-hee!
♫♫: Yeah, yeah - got a giant kitty-cat.
♫♫: Can do what I fucking want.
♫♫: Now that momma's gone. Best friends.
♫♫: We're gonna take on the whole world ...
♫♫: bright, fucking blue ... that's me and you!