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Every year in the United States alone,

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2,077,000 couples make
a legal and spiritual decision

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to spend the rest
of their lives together --

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(Laughter)

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And not to have sex with anyone else.

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Ever.

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He buys a ring, she buys a dress.

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They go shopping for all sorts of things.

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She takes him to Arthur Murray
for ballroom-dancing lessons.

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And the big day comes.

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And they'll stand before God and family

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and some guy her dad
once did business with,

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and they'll vow that nothing --

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not abject poverty,

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not life-threatening illness,

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not complete and utter misery --

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will ever put the tiniest damper
on their eternal love and devotion.

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(Laughter)

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These optimistic young bastards
promise to honor and cherish each other

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through hot flashes and midlife crises

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and a cumulative 50-pound weight gain,

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until that far-off day, when one of them
is finally able to rest in peace.

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(Laughter)

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You know, because they can't hear
the snoring anymore.

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And then they'll get stupid drunk

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and smash cake in each other's faces
and do the Macarena.

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And we'll be there,

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showering them with towels and toasters
and drinking their free booze

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and throwing birdseed at them
every single time ...

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even though we know, statistically,

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half of them will be divorced
within a decade.

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(Laughter)

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Of course, the other half won't, right?

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They'll keep forgetting anniversaries

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and arguing about where to spend holidays

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and debating --

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(Laughter)

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Which way the toilet paper
should come off of the roll.

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And some of them will even still
be enjoying each other's company

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when neither of them can chew
solid food anymore.

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And researchers want to know why.

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I mean, look -- it doesn't take
a double-blind, placebo-controlled study

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to figure out what makes
a marriage not work:

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disrespect, boredom,

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too much time on Facebook,

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having sex with other people.

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But you can have the exact
opposite of all of those things --

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respect, excitement,

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a broken Internet connection,

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mind-numbing monogamy --

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and the thing still can go
to hell in a handbasket.

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So, what's going on when it doesn't?

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What do the folks who make it all the way
to side-by-side burial plots

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have in common?

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What are they doing right?

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What can we learn from them?

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And if you're still happily sleeping solo,

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why should you stop what you're doing
and make it your life's work

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to find that one special person

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that you can annoy
for the rest of your life?

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Well, researchers spend
billions of your tax dollars

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trying to figure that out.

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They stalk blissful couples

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and study their every move and mannerism.

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And they try to pinpoint
what it is that sets them apart

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from their miserable
neighbors and friends.

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And it turns out, the success stories
share a few similarities,

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beyond that they don't have sex
with other people.

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For instance, in the happiest marriages,

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the wife is thinner and better-looking

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than the husband.

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(Laughter)

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Obvious. Right?

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It's obvious that this leads
to marital bliss,

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because women -- we care a great deal
about being thin and good-looking,

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whereas men mostly care about sex,

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ideally, with women who are thinner
and better looking than they are.

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The beauty of this research, though,

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is that no one is suggesting
that women have to be thin to be happy.

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We just have to be thinner
than our partners.

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So instead of all that laborious
dieting and exercising,

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we just need to wait
for them to get fat --

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(Laughter)

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Maybe bake a few pies.

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This is good information to have,
and it's not that complicated.

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(Laughter)

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Research also suggests

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that the happiest couples are the ones
that focus on the positives.

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For example: the happy wife.

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Instead of pointing out
her husband's growing gut

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or suggesting he go for a run,

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she might say,

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"Wow, honey, thank you
for going out of your way

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to make me relatively thinner."

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(Laughter)

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These are couples
who can find good in any situation.

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"Yeah, it was devastating
when we lost everything in that fire.

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But it's kind of nice sleeping
out here under the stars.

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And it's a good thing you've got
all that body fat to keep us warm."

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(Laughter)

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One of my favorite studies found

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that the more willing
a husband is to do housework,

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the more attractive
his wife will find him.

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Because we needed a study to tell us this.

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(Laughter)

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But here's what's going on here.

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The more attractive she finds him,
the more sex they have;

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the more sex they have,
the nicer he is to her;

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the nicer he is to her,

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the less she nags him
about leaving wet towels on the bed,

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and ultimately,
they live happily ever after.

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In other words, men,
you might want to pick it up a notch

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in the domestic department.

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Here's an interesting one.

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One study found that people
who smile in childhood photographs

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are less likely to get a divorce.

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This is an actual study,
and let me clarify:

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the researchers were not looking
at documented self-reports

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of childhood happiness,

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or even studying old journals.

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The data were based entirely
on whether people looked happy

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in these early pictures.

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Now, I don't know how old all of you are,
but when I was a kid,

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your parents took pictures
with a special kind of camera

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that held something called "film."

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And, by God, film was expensive.

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They didn't take 300 shots of you
in that rapid-fire digital video mode

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and then pick out the nicest,
smiliest one for the Christmas card.

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Oh, no.

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They dressed you up, they lined you up,

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and you smiled for the fucking camera
like they told you to

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or you could kiss
your birthday party goodbye.

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But still, I have a huge pile
of fake happy childhood pictures

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and I'm glad they make me less likely
than some people to get a divorce.

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So, what else can you do
to safeguard your marriage?

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Do not win an Oscar for best actress.

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(Laughter)

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I'm serious.

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Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford,
Halle Berry, Hilary Swank,

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Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon --

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all of them single,
soon after taking home that statue.

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They actually call it the Oscar curse.

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It is the marriage kiss of death
and something that should be avoided.

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And it's not just successfully
starring in films that's dangerous.

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It turns out, merely watching
a romantic comedy

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causes relationship
satisfaction to plummet.

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(Laughter)

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Apparently, the bitter realization
that maybe it could happen to us,

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but it obviously hasn't
and it probably never will,

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makes our lives seem
unbearably grim in comparison.

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And theoretically,

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I suppose if we opt for a film
where someone gets brutally murdered

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or dies in a fiery car crash,

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we are more likely to walk out
of that theater

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feeling like we've got it pretty good.

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(Laughter)

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Drinking alcohol, it seems,
is bad for your marriage.

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Yeah.

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I can't tell you anymore about that one

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because I stopped reading it
at the headline.

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But here's a scary one:
divorce is contagious.

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That's right, when you have
a close couple friend split up,

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it increases your chances
of getting a divorce by 75 percent.

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Now, I have to say,
I don't get this one at all.

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My husband and I have watched
quite a few friends divide their assets

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and then struggle
with being our age and single

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in an age of sexting
and Viagra and eHarmony.

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And I'm thinking they've done
more for my marriage

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than a lifetime of therapy ever could.

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So now you may be wondering:
Why does anyone get married ever?

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Well, the US federal government
counts more than a thousand legal benefits

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to being someone's spouse.

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A list that includes
visitation rights in jail,

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but hopefully, you'll never need that one.

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But beyond the profound federal perks,

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married people make more money.

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We're healthier,
physically and emotionally.

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We produce happier, more stable
and more successful kids.

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We have more sex than our supposedly
swinging single friends,

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believe it or not.

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We even live longer,

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which is a pretty compelling argument
for marrying someone you like a lot

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in the first place.

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(Laughter)

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Now, if you're not currently experiencing
the joy of the joint tax return,

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I can't tell you how to find
a chore-loving person

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of the approximately ideal size
and attractiveness,

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who prefers horror movies

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and doesn't have a lot of friends
hovering on the brink of divorce,

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but I can only encourage you to try,

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because the benefits, as I've pointed out,

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are significant.

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The bottom line is: whether you're in it
or you're searching for it,

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I believe marriage is an institution
worth pursuing and protecting.

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So I hope you'll use the information
I've given you today

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to weigh your personal strengths
against your own risk factors.

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For instance, in my marriage,
I'd say I'm doing OK.

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One the one hand,

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I have a husband who's annoyingly lean
and incredibly handsome.

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So I'm obviously going
to need fatten him up.

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And like I said, we have
those divorced friends

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who may secretly or subconsciously
be trying to break us up.

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So we have to keep an eye on that.

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And we do like a cocktail or two.

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On the other hand,

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I have the fake happy picture thing.

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And also, my husband does
a lot around the house,

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and would happily never see
another romantic comedy

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as long as he lives.

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So I've got all those things going for me.

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But just in case,

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I plan to work extra hard
to not win an Oscar anytime soon.

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And for the good of your relationships,

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I would encourage you to do the same.

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I'll see you at the bar.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)