[LAUGHTER, GIGGLING, SOUNDS OF KISSING...]
So much of the time when I go out like in my wheelchair,
um, I feel like people aren't seeing me as a person,
I feel like people see me as a chair.
Until very recently I haven't met anyone else
who has my condition...
I've only met them like online through support groups.
I would try to hide, try to cover up my disability,
as much as I could,
and I thought that by not wearing like hearing aides--
even though that's just disabling myself even more
because hearing aides are supposed to help me--
I disabled myself because I didn't want someone to see that.
I was afraid that them seeing that,
they wouldn't want to have a relationship with me,
they wouldn't be interested in me sexually.
I do feel lonely.
Um, I, I don't know, like I... it's...
I've been single for two years.
We usually think of disability as some kind of physiological condition
that limits the ability of people to function in society,
to play the social roles that are typically expected of them.
Um, so disability would limit them in, say, their ability to work,
or be a student, or, in the case of what we're talking about,
to be a lover or partner.
The result of the disability would be that they would be sexually and romantically impaired in some way.
In fact those expectations, those views of what disability is,
point to the fact, that disability is not simply medical or physiological,
but much more importantly it's social and cultural,
it's a constructed identity,
so that certain physical traits or mental traits of certain kinds of people
get stigmatized and...
the stigma is globalized to engulf their entire identities.
I'm always feeling like I have to prove myself in so many different ways.
The way I feel about myself,
it's just different than how people see me,
it's just like more, especially with men, like,
they see skin "oh yeah, that's it, that's sexy", you know?
or they see a good body
"OK that's sexy".
Well, OK, I'm not showing skin because I'm really cold,
and, um, with the body part, pfft, no, that's just gross.
Actually I didn't used to wear makeup til about a couple years ago.
I didn't think I, you know, it would be a point for me to wear makeup, you know?
I mean, I don't know if you know, but, that's my...
that was my idea.
Yeah, until just like more recently I kind of started getting into it, you know.
I'm like, ehh why not?
What the hell!
I actually studied disability rights, and performed as a disabled person in college.
I went to a very hippie college called the Evergreen State college in Olympia, WA,
and you could create your own majors...
One of the things I watched was this documentary about disability and sexuality.
I remember just going "hey, you know what?
I do have those needs that everyone has, and desires
it's OK to feel that way.
You know, our symptoms and our disabilities are the things that people notice first about us,
but they may be the least interesting things about us.
I was dating this girl for a while,
and uh, we had just had sex that day
and then afterwards she suggested we had sex in my wheelchair
the fact that it was her idea was awesome!
and the reason that it is, beyond like the whole novelty of it
is that it's actually an ultimate act of acceptance
instead of saying "I'm dating you
and I'm fine with you being in a chair"
but if she's having sex with you in your chair
it's not "oh it's fine, I'm ok with it"
It's "I like it, accept it, and it's actually uh, something that I'm interested in".
For me in general I would much rather take my time
finding somebody that I really want to date.
I've gone on dates with plenty of people, and I've gone on second dates,
but I want to make sure that I found the right person before I like start to commit.
So, what I do is, I tend to flirt a lot, I tend to hang out with a lot of people,
to test the waters and to see what they like.
Meeting a lot of cool people and is fun which is really what matters for me.
My only hope is that I don't break any hearts.
Uhm, what do you think I taught you? If I may be so bold?
What do you think you taught me about sex?
I don't know what specifically I have taught you about sex,
but, I think in general, I feel like I can teach able bodied people
sex doesn't have to be like intercourse,
sex doesn't have to be, uhm, y'know, penis and vagina sex,
it can be, uhm, you know for me sex basically is...
anything that, uhm, you know, gives me sexual pleasure that I can get off on.
I'd like to think I have a sort of wider definition of what constitutes sex.
Sex is so many things,
it's very much about pleasure, it's about knowing your body,
knowing your mind, and it's also about knowing about danger,
cause there are dangers that go along with sex as well,
and about knowing how to pleasure yourself and other people,
and it's generative, and it's fun
and it can be painful, and it can be mysterious, and it's definitely a a gift.
Instead of trying to sell disabled sex as being normal,
which in a certain sense, it is normal
I think there's a way of trying to sell it in a way that's both calling it "normal"
and calling it "weird, or transgressive, or queer"
because unless we face up to the fact that it's really going to scare the crap out of people,
whether it's potential partners, healthcare providers,
or our families, or our parents,
if we don't face up to the scariness
we can't really find ways to deal with this scariness.
One of the things I've done and the disabled student's union had done
is put on this series of panel discussions called "Are cripples screwed?"
we chose that because it's kind of in your face
and it breaks down different stereotypes and different boundaries that a lot of people
feel interested about.
I love doing the panels, they are so much fun for me,
they originally started as like a dialogue about disability and sexuality,
and sort of morphed into what it is today, which is, you know,
we go around to things like co-ops, we go to sexuality classes, we go to things then we talk about
we talk about sex, we talk about societal perceptions of these things,
and it's something that has really,
it's something that has really expanded my mind.
I guess for me one of the things about sexuality and disability, it's a constant about humans,
it doesn't matter your station in life,
but sexuality is a crucial and important part of it,
so, it's something in a way these panels are a way of identifying with people,
on, through the disabilities, and through differences that people have
very obviously at the surface level, it's to finding the common ground
that you can really feel, just as everybody has sexual frustrations
that are similar enough.
Making that transition from like "OK, I'm doing all that stuff and certain people are attracted to me,
to all of a sudden like, I'm in chair and for a solid year afterwards,
I still identified as that guy,
Like, for I'd say a year and a half after my accident,
like, one of my main things was, OK, like, I'm still a biker,
I'm still going to biking websites, and I'd still do that.
But eventually, I just kind of said "OK, like, I'm a political nerd, and I'm going to go to college"
You guys probably noticed that I'm dressed very provocatively today
and this is something that I like to do when I go to panels because
partially because I really like to challenge people's preconceived notions
about what it means to be disabled and a woman;
and it's like y'know, "Oh there's a girl in the wheelchair"
"Oh my god, she's hot! Oh no, like, my preconceived notions!"
"This is so confusing!"
American culture, western cultures in general
have become much more open and frank about sexuality
that happened too among people with disabilities
so that disability was once a taboo subject is much more open,
like, talked about, and people with all kind of disabilities have been much more assertive
in claiming their sexuality and their right to be sexual.
Disabled people, and myself included
are represented horribly in the media
I mean, in movies, in literature, in books, in tv
you never even see a cripple guy have a girlfriend.
He's a great comic from over in San Francisco, he goes to SF State,
everybody please give it up for my good friend Jackson McBrayer.
Uhm, I have cerebral palsy which is awesome,
because right now my leg is twitching which is making me better at sex.
I think that people view me as sort of a self-appointed spokesman
for disability and sexuality because that's what I talk about,
and the reason that I talk about it is because very few people are.
Until I see Stephen Hawking or some other famous crippled guy on the cover
of some trashy romance novel
I'm still going to be forced to tell beautiful crafted dick jokes
because no one else is doing it.
You know, I was drinking and after one or two beers
I started to walk better so I asked my doctor about it
"Well Jackson, you have cerebral palsy, anything that releases your muscles will help you walk better,
like one or two beers, an orgasm, or a joint."
I said "Really doc? You mean that can get medicinal?
Blow jobs?"
When I try to tell a joke to try to make it, so you know that it's from the heart,
and you know I had these same needs and wants as other human beings.
Getting to see disabled people as being sexual
is part of basically bringing them back to the human race
and making them into like real people again.
If I can help explode the paradigm that says
that everything about me that isn't my body works
and everything about me that is my body doesn't work
sex can explode that.
Sex is desire, inspiration, life changing
Touching, feeling, kissing
Intrigue it's exploring unknowns, it's very emotional.
Sex is surrender, sex is communion,
sex is being alive.
My ? is not sexy!
Not really!
He gave me a ? for Christmas and it's awesome!
But it's not sexy. It was out here a little while ago.
I guess ? are vaguely fallic.
That's not sexy! Yeah!
Please go out and fuck the disabled! Goodnight, I'm Jackson McBrayer