WEBVTT

00:00:09.286 --> 00:00:11.264
So what is empathy?

00:00:11.264 --> 00:00:14.348
And why is it very 
different than sympathy?

00:00:14.758 --> 00:00:17.012
Empathy fuels connection.

00:00:17.312 --> 00:00:19.709
Sympathy drives disconnection.

00:00:20.350 --> 00:00:22.174
Empathy--it's very interesting,

00:00:22.174 --> 00:00:26.687
Teresa Wiseman is a nursing 
scholar who studied professions,

00:00:26.929 --> 00:00:29.421
very diverse professions 
where empathy is relevant,

00:00:29.421 --> 00:00:31.615
and came up with four 
qualities of empathy.

00:00:31.615 --> 00:00:34.761
Perspective taking--
the ability to take the perspective

00:00:34.761 --> 00:00:38.355
of another person or recognize 
their perspective is their truth.

00:00:38.355 --> 00:00:40.017
Staying out of judgement.

00:00:40.017 --> 00:00:42.605
Not easy, when you enjoy it 
as much as most of us do.

00:00:44.079 --> 00:00:45.874
Recognizing emotion in other people,

00:00:45.874 --> 00:00:47.781
and then communicating that.

00:00:47.916 --> 00:00:51.242
Empathy is feeling with people.

00:00:51.973 --> 00:00:56.435
And to me I always think of empathy 
as this kind of sacred space

00:00:56.435 --> 00:00:58.569
when someone's kind of in a deep hole,

00:00:58.590 --> 00:01:00.917
and they shout out from the bottom 
and they say,

00:01:01.216 --> 00:01:03.948
"I'm stuck. It's dark. I'm overwhelmed."

00:01:04.001 --> 00:01:06.488
And then we look and we say,

00:01:06.488 --> 00:01:10.475
"Hey." Climb down. 
"I know what it's like down here."

00:01:10.487 --> 00:01:12.334
"And you're not alone."

00:01:12.334 --> 00:01:18.185
Sympathy is, "Ooh. It's bad. Uh-huh."

00:01:18.185 --> 00:01:22.047
"Uh, no. You want a sandwich?"

00:01:24.394 --> 00:01:27.075
Empathy is a choice and
it's a vulnerable choice

00:01:27.075 --> 00:01:29.224
because in order to connect with you,

00:01:29.224 --> 00:01:31.904
I have to connect with something in myself

00:01:31.904 --> 00:01:34.068
that knows that feeling.

00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:39.498
Rarely, if ever, does an empathic 
response begin with, "at least."

00:01:40.753 --> 00:01:41.753
[Laughter]

00:01:43.008 --> 00:01:44.500
And we do it all the time!

00:01:44.500 --> 00:01:47.407
Because you know what, 
someone just shared something with us

00:01:47.407 --> 00:01:51.011
that's incredibly painful and
we're trying to silver-lining it.

00:01:51.011 --> 00:01:54.167
I don't think that's a verb, 
but I'm using it as one.

00:01:54.167 --> 00:01:56.528
We're trying to put the 
silver lining around it.

00:01:56.552 --> 00:01:58.596
So, "I had a miscarriage."

00:01:58.596 --> 00:02:01.071
"Oh, at least you know you 
can get pregnant."

00:02:01.071 --> 00:02:03.389
"I think my marriage is falling apart."

00:02:03.389 --> 00:02:05.540
"At least you have a marriage."

00:02:05.757 --> 00:02:08.673
[Laughter]

00:02:09.087 --> 00:02:11.118
"John's getting kicked out of school."

00:02:11.118 --> 00:02:13.445
"At least Sarah is an A student."

00:02:13.445 --> 00:02:15.360
But one of the things we do sometimes

00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:19.610
in the face of very 
difficult conversations,

00:02:19.743 --> 00:02:22.158
is we try to make things better.

00:02:22.234 --> 00:02:24.815
If I share something with 
you that's very difficult,

00:02:24.815 --> 00:02:26.454
I'd rather you say,

00:02:26.454 --> 00:02:30.841
"Uff. I don't even know what to say 
right now, I'm just so glad you told me."

00:02:31.269 --> 00:02:36.045
Because the truth is, rarely can a 
response make something better.

00:02:36.045 --> 00:02:42.618
What makes something better is connection.