0:00:12.217,0:00:16.550
I feel really privileged to be here.

0:00:16.550,0:00:20.128
I have cried, I have laughed,

0:00:20.128,0:00:25.418
I have been profoundly touched

0:00:25.418,0:00:29.659
and I feel really privileged to be alive.

0:00:29.659,0:00:33.849
I am grateful that I am alive.

0:00:33.849,0:00:37.938
In 1944, my parents were in a concentration camp

0:00:37.938,0:00:41.719
in Vichy, France.

0:00:41.719,0:00:46.230
My mother engineered an escape.

0:00:46.230,0:00:50.423
She actually got my father out.

0:00:50.423,0:00:56.101
And my parents walked through the Alps.

0:00:56.101,0:00:59.781
My mother was pregnant with me.

0:00:59.781,0:01:02.434
And when they got to the Swiss border,

0:01:02.434,0:01:07.151
the border was closed to refugees.

0:01:07.151,0:01:11.641
My mother threw herself into Switzerland.

0:01:11.641,0:01:15.824
Anything for her was better than going back

0:01:15.824,0:01:19.584
to the hell she came from.

0:01:19.584,0:01:27.580
And my father succeeded in smuggling [br]himself a few days later.

0:01:27.580,0:01:34.857
And in 1944, I was born.

0:01:34.857,0:01:37.819
Decades later I am sitting with my mother

0:01:37.819,0:01:41.817
in an old age home in Israel.

0:01:41.817,0:01:46.382
And I cannot bear to see her.

0:01:46.382,0:01:51.902
(fights, tears, sighs)

0:01:51.902,0:01:54.820
She is sitting in a wheel-chair.

0:01:54.820,0:01:58.902
She doesn't know who I am.

0:01:58.902,0:02:05.488
I feel guilty. I feel sad. I am struggling. I am angry.

0:02:05.488,0:02:11.503
This is my hero. Why should she be here?

0:02:11.503,0:02:16.900
And I realize that I am not visiting her.

0:02:16.900,0:02:19.224
I am with my own emotions.

0:02:19.224,0:02:22.740
And I make a decision.

0:02:22.740,0:02:25.661
I am going to cross the bridge

0:02:25.661,0:02:27.426
to the world of my mother.

0:02:27.426,0:02:32.899
I will leave the world where I am struggling.

0:02:32.899,0:02:35.340
I and will go and meet her.

0:02:35.340,0:02:40.262
And I will bring with me new eyes.

0:02:40.262,0:02:48.332
And so I did. I came, I sat across from her [br]and I crossed the bridge.

0:02:48.332,0:02:54.385
And I landed in her world. And I looked at her.

0:02:54.385,0:02:57.060
And she looked at me.

0:02:57.060,0:03:01.867
And in Yiddish she said:

0:03:01.867,0:03:04.425
"Du bist mein Tochter."

0:03:04.425,0:03:07.722
You are my daughter.

0:03:07.722,0:03:17.308
And I started to cry and with her hands [br]she gently wiped my tears.

0:03:17.308,0:03:20.660
She hadn't recognized me for months.

0:03:20.660,0:03:29.981
Of course, I hadn't been there - emotionally.

0:03:29.981,0:03:33.254
This miracle with my mother illustrates

0:03:33.254,0:03:40.101
the three invisible connectors [br]that I want to talk to you about today.

0:03:40.101,0:03:44.224
It is the relational space - the space.

0:03:44.224,0:03:48.905
It is the bridge between the worlds - the bridge.

0:03:48.905,0:03:51.818
And it is the encounter.

0:03:51.818,0:03:59.885
Human essence to human essence. The encounter.

0:03:59.885,0:04:07.061
These three invisible connectors - you know them.

0:04:07.061,0:04:08.870
You live them.

0:04:08.870,0:04:12.551
But you may never have framed them that way.

0:04:12.551,0:04:15.628
And in working with couples for many, many years

0:04:15.628,0:04:24.162
I have come to see that those are [br]the three invisible connectors.

0:04:24.162,0:04:27.876
Let me start by talking to you about the space.

0:04:27.876,0:04:33.901
It is the Jewish philosopher Martin Buber who said:

0:04:33.901,0:04:41.100
"Our relationship lives in the space between us."

0:04:41.100,0:04:45.061
It doesn't live in me or in you

0:04:45.061,0:04:50.900
or even in the dialogue between the two of us.

0:04:50.900,0:04:56.986
It lives in the space that we live together.

0:04:56.986,0:05:03.941
And he said: "That space is sacred space."

0:05:03.941,0:05:07.704
Now, if we don't know about the space,

0:05:07.704,0:05:10.974
if we don't know how to take responsibility

0:05:10.974,0:05:13.940
for the space we live together,

0:05:13.940,0:05:17.186
we will actually pollute it

0:05:17.186,0:05:19.905
the way I polluted the space with my mother.

0:05:19.905,0:05:21.860
I polluted the space with my mother

0:05:21.860,0:05:25.174
not because I was feeling my feelings.

0:05:25.174,0:05:27.211
I polluted the space with my mother

0:05:27.211,0:05:33.970
because I unconsciously put all these [br]emotions in the middle between us

0:05:33.970,0:05:36.942
- unconsciously.

0:05:36.942,0:05:40.940
When we don't know about the space,

0:05:40.940,0:05:44.942
we pollute it quite automatically.

0:05:44.942,0:05:51.143
A word, a look, a reaction, a withdrawal,

0:05:51.143,0:05:53.102
a criticism, a judgement.

0:05:53.102,0:05:57.385
We put it there, unconsciously.

0:05:57.385,0:06:02.025
And the space becomes uncomfortable.

0:06:02.025,0:06:03.982
And when the space is uncomfortable,

0:06:03.982,0:06:06.765
we react to the discomfort in the space

0:06:06.765,0:06:10.503
and the space becomes more uncomfortable.

0:06:10.503,0:06:18.183
And slowly but surely, discomfort after [br]discomfort, the space becomes dangerous.

0:06:18.183,0:06:23.101
And then we react to the danger in the space.

0:06:23.101,0:06:25.628
And how do we react?

0:06:25.628,0:06:29.148
Some of us react by exploding our energy.

0:06:29.148,0:06:32.662
We talk louder, we shout, we say many words,

0:06:32.662,0:06:35.184
we are in your face.

0:06:35.184,0:06:39.376
Some of us react to the danger in the space

0:06:39.376,0:06:45.312
by constricting, hiding, withdrawing our energy.

0:06:45.312,0:06:48.577
And once those two reactions come together

0:06:48.577,0:06:51.140
as a reaction to the danger in the space,

0:06:51.140,0:06:52.900
the danger grows

0:06:52.900,0:06:57.901
and now we are reacting together [br]to the pollution and danger

0:06:57.901,0:07:03.502
we co-created in the relational space.

0:07:03.502,0:07:04.900
What shall we do?

0:07:04.900,0:07:11.262
How do we take responsibility for the space between us?

0:07:11.262,0:07:15.224
Which is sacred, as says Martin Buber.

0:07:15.224,0:07:18.096
Here comes the metaphor of the bridge.

0:07:18.096,0:07:22.140
We take responsibility for the space between us

0:07:22.140,0:07:26.580
by crossing the bridge to the world of the other

0:07:26.580,0:07:33.305
and bringing our full presence on the other side.

0:07:33.305,0:07:35.902
How do we do it?

0:07:35.902,0:07:40.261
First, sit down.

0:07:40.261,0:07:42.520
Take a deep breath.

0:07:42.520,0:07:46.730
Put your feet on the ground.

0:07:46.730,0:07:51.102
Allow yourself to get to the present moment.

0:07:51.102,0:07:56.421
Align yourself with here and now.

0:07:56.421,0:08:01.306
Know that you are alive! Be grateful

0:08:01.306,0:08:07.064
for this moment of your life. Right now!

0:08:07.064,0:08:12.031
That already is a very important beginning

0:08:12.031,0:08:14.490
for your journey across the bridge.

0:08:14.490,0:08:20.185
And then, you begin to consciously and deliberately

0:08:20.185,0:08:25.399
walk the bridge -- slipping the rubber band

0:08:25.399,0:08:29.822
that pulls you back to your prejudices, [br]your story, your identity,

0:08:29.822,0:08:36.526
who you think you are, your feelings, [br]your emotions, whatever it is in your world.

0:08:36.526,0:08:39.872
All you take with you across the bridge

0:08:39.872,0:08:43.425
is a little plastic bag, transparent,

0:08:43.425,0:08:46.502
with a passport and a visa.

0:08:46.502,0:08:48.500
The reason it needs to be transparent:

0:08:48.500,0:08:54.630
you cannot bring anything of yours [br]to the other side of the bridge.

0:08:54.630,0:08:56.580
And when you have landed

0:08:56.580,0:09:00.639
on the other side, what do you do?

0:09:00.639,0:09:03.019
You listen.

0:09:03.019,0:09:07.697
You listen with an open heart.

0:09:07.697,0:09:11.728
You listen with new eyes.

0:09:11.728,0:09:15.485
It is Marcel Proust, the French writer, who said:

0:09:15.485,0:09:21.702
"The adventure of life is not about [br]discovering new landscape.

0:09:21.702,0:09:27.472
The adventure of life is [br]seeing the old ones with new eyes."

0:09:27.472,0:09:30.341
And you bring your new eyes and your open heart

0:09:30.341,0:09:31.951
and your generosity of spirit

0:09:31.966,0:09:37.018
and you listen as if you're [br]learning a new language,

0:09:37.018,0:09:40.737
a new music, a new rhythm.

0:09:40.737,0:09:44.860
You listen by repeating the words.

0:09:44.860,0:09:48.581
I hear you say.

0:09:48.581,0:09:51.396
"Have I got you?"

0:09:51.396,0:10:00.726
And you learn. You learn about [br]the landscape in this other world.

0:10:00.726,0:10:04.745
And so what can happen on the other side?

0:10:04.745,0:10:07.100
[br]And what happens on the other side

0:10:07.100,0:10:09.585
is the encounter.

0:10:09.585,0:10:13.320
Now, what is the encounter?

0:10:13.320,0:10:16.501
On a biological level, the encounter

0:10:16.501,0:10:19.999
is the resonance between two brains.

0:10:19.999,0:10:26.202
The relational neurobiologists [br]call this resonance the brain bridge.

0:10:26.202,0:10:30.825
Two limbic systems that resonate together.

0:10:30.825,0:10:36.660
The seed of our emotions [br]beginning to resonate together.

0:10:36.660,0:10:40.229
And relational neurobiologists have found that

0:10:40.229,0:10:43.740
when there is this resonance between two brains,

0:10:43.740,0:10:49.075
our central nervous system begins to calm down.

0:10:49.075,0:10:51.989
Because, they have also discovered,

0:10:51.989,0:10:57.580
that our brain is the only organ inside of us

0:10:57.580,0:11:00.500
that doesn't regulate from within.

0:11:00.500,0:11:07.741
It regulates on the outside [br]through another brain.

0:11:07.741,0:11:11.696
We need each other for self-regulation.

0:11:11.696,0:11:15.341
We can only regulate through the other.

0:11:15.341,0:11:19.782
Through the eyes of the other. [br]Through that resonance.

0:11:19.782,0:11:22.703
And what happens then is very interesting

0:11:22.703,0:11:27.105
because, 10 years ago approximately, [br]relational neurobiologists

0:11:27.105,0:11:30.089
discovered those mirror neurons

0:11:30.089,0:11:31.942
that we have in our brain.

0:11:31.942,0:11:35.690
Our capacity for compassion,

0:11:35.690,0:11:37.509
for empathy,

0:11:37.509,0:11:42.415
for deep, deep understanding of the other.

0:11:42.415,0:11:48.001
And during the encounter these [br]mirror neurons become very alive.

0:11:48.001,0:11:50.020
And what happens then?

0:11:50.020,0:11:54.820
New neural pathways begin to form in the brain.

0:11:54.820,0:11:58.105
New neural pathways that give us

0:11:58.105,0:12:01.742
the capacity to be in relationship.

0:12:01.742,0:12:06.670
Because the brain has been found [br]to have an enormous plasticity.

0:12:06.670,0:12:11.785
It can change at any time during our lifetime.

0:12:11.785,0:12:15.982
And so these new neuro-pathways [br]that are formed in our brain

0:12:15.982,0:12:18.106
give us a chance to become

0:12:18.106,0:12:21.182
more relationally intelligent

0:12:21.182,0:12:26.180
and more relationally mature.

0:12:26.180,0:12:33.912
So, that is the encounter in the biological sense.

0:12:33.912,0:12:38.942
But in another domain it is harder to define

0:12:38.942,0:12:41.580
what the encounter is.

0:12:41.580,0:12:48.500
It is the meeting of two full human presences.

0:12:48.500,0:12:54.992
Or two human essences. [br]Or the life force in each person.

0:12:54.992,0:12:58.824
Or the meeting of two souls.

0:12:58.824,0:13:00.942
And what is that life force?

0:13:00.942,0:13:05.091
What is the human essence?

0:13:05.091,0:13:07.471
My father has a story about that.

0:13:07.471,0:13:13.661
My father had the largest collection of [br]Yiddish stories in the universe.

0:13:13.661,0:13:16.260
And he loved to tell them.

0:13:16.260,0:13:18.700
And he laughed harder than anyone

0:13:18.700,0:13:22.415
when he told his stories.

0:13:22.415,0:13:27.596
This story is about Mr. Goldberg, the tailor.

0:13:27.596,0:13:32.782
So somebody came to get a suit [br]from Mr. Goldberg, the tailor.

0:13:32.782,0:13:34.861
And he tries on the suit and he says:

0:13:34.861,0:13:37.261
"Mr. Goldberg, this suit looks very strange.

0:13:37.261,0:13:39.431
This sleeve doesn't fit at all."

0:13:39.431,0:13:42.131
And Mr. Goldberg looks very seriously and he says:

0:13:42.131,0:13:49.146
"You are right. For that sleeve you [br]have to hold your hand like that. OK?"

0:13:49.146,0:13:52.780
The man says: "You know, [br]the other sleeve doesn't fit at all."

0:13:52.780,0:13:55.288
"Look, look at it!" - Mr. Goldberg says:

0:13:55.288,0:14:00.074
"You are completely right. For that [br]sleeve you hold your hand like that

0:14:00.074,0:14:04.048
and you put this shoulder like this. OK?"

0:14:04.048,0:14:10.780
"What about the right leg? The right leg [br]looks very strange. What about it?"

0:14:10.780,0:14:13.860
And Mr. Goldberg says: "You are right. [br]You just have to put your foot

0:14:13.860,0:14:16.608
a little bit inside like that."

0:14:16.608,0:14:21.046
"What about this one?", he says.[br]"Well, that one you put your foot like this."

0:14:21.046,0:14:26.024
Well, now the suit was fine and [br]the man comes out of the tailor store

0:14:26.024,0:14:29.745
and as he is walking in the street [br]this couple comes by

0:14:29.745,0:14:33.661
and the woman says to her husband: [br]"What an amazing tailor!

0:14:33.661,0:14:39.778
A man in this condition - the suit fits him perfectly!"

0:14:39.778,0:14:42.420
(Applause)

0:14:42.420,0:14:48.285
Well... This is us. We are in this suit.

0:14:48.285,0:14:53.303
We walk around in this suit [br]because we have adapted to our life.

0:14:53.303,0:14:57.872
And we don't even know that [br]this is a suit, a survival suit.

0:14:57.872,0:15:00.863
We know that this is us.

0:15:00.863,0:15:07.702
For example, if I adapted by being [br]withdrawn and cold and really distant,

0:15:07.702,0:15:09.909
I think this is me.

0:15:09.909,0:15:16.336
Inside the suit is our human essence - intact!

0:15:16.337,0:15:24.303
Inside of our survival adaptation [br]we are our essence.

0:15:24.303,0:15:30.661
And coming over the bridge [br]allows our spirit to be nourished.

0:15:30.661,0:15:36.197
And this transformation to happen [br]from this survival suit

0:15:36.197,0:15:39.585
to our true human essence.

0:15:39.585,0:15:46.365
It is in being with each other [br]that our essence becomes revealed.

0:15:46.365,0:15:50.101
It so it reminds me of this wonderful saying:

0:15:50.101,0:15:57.666
"I used to be different. [br]And now I am the same."

0:15:57.666,0:16:00.903
I started with a story about my mother.

0:16:00.903,0:16:05.864
I'd like to tell you one now [br]about my grandson Leo.

0:16:05.864,0:16:11.404
I was in Istanbul with Leo. [br]And we were in bed

0:16:11.404,0:16:15.753
snuggling and watching a movie.

0:16:15.753,0:16:18.181
And at the end of the movie[br]Leo looked at me

0:16:18.181,0:16:20.419
and he said:

0:16:20.419,0:16:25.048
"Bube, grandma, I love you."

0:16:25.048,0:16:29.901
And I said: "I love you, too, Leo."

0:16:29.901,0:16:35.098
And he said: "No. I love you."

0:16:35.098,0:16:41.299
And I said: "Sure, sweety, [br]you love me and I love you."

0:16:41.299,0:16:46.608
He said: "No, Bube. I love you."

0:16:46.608,0:16:49.069
And then I understood.

0:16:49.069,0:16:52.219
He didn't want me to deflect his love.

0:16:52.219,0:16:56.229
He wanted me to step over the bridge to come to him

0:16:56.229,0:17:04.106
to take in the pure, [br]essential love he was giving me.

0:17:04.106,0:17:09.182
And so I did. I looked at him. I took him in.

0:17:09.182,0:17:14.515
I let what he was giving me [br]in that moment penetrate.

0:17:14.515,0:17:19.784
And I said: "Leo, I hear you say: You love me."

0:17:19.784,0:17:23.840
And his face just shone.

0:17:23.840,0:17:31.790
He was teaching me that [br]it takes courage to be connected.

0:17:31.790,0:17:36.255
I'd like to share with you [br]one of my favourite quotes

0:17:36.255,0:17:41.301
by the Sufi poet Rumi, of the 13th century,

0:17:41.301,0:17:46.861
who said: "Beyond right thinking

0:17:46.861,0:17:49.902
and beyond wrong thinking

0:17:49.902,0:17:52.542
there is a field.

0:17:52.542,0:17:56.270
I will meet you there."

0:17:56.270,0:18:01.850
I have a dream. [br]I envision 90 million couples

0:18:01.850,0:18:05.662
honoring the three invisible connectors,

0:18:05.662,0:18:09.902
honoring the space between them, [br]crossing the bridge to each other

0:18:09.902,0:18:13.781
and encountering each other, [br]human essence to human essence.

0:18:13.781,0:18:18.538
It is enormously important to me[br]because our children grow

0:18:18.538,0:18:22.263
in the space between us.

0:18:22.263,0:18:24.867
The space between the couple

0:18:24.867,0:18:27.903
is the playground of the child.

0:18:27.903,0:18:30.779
And when we know how to honor that space

0:18:30.779,0:18:34.009
and make it sacred, our children can blossom

0:18:34.009,0:18:36.338
in sacred space.

0:18:36.338,0:18:43.661
And I have a date in mind. [br]November 11th, 2012.

0:18:43.661,0:18:49.453
International Crossing The Bridge Day.

0:18:49.453,0:18:52.544
It isn't just for couples.

0:18:52.544,0:18:56.776
It is for human beings [br]and it is for nations.

0:18:56.776,0:19:00.591
I envision a time when nations

0:19:00.591,0:19:04.992
will know that the space between them

0:19:04.992,0:19:08.239
is sacred space. [br]That there is a bridge

0:19:08.239,0:19:12.284
to cross to know the culture of the other.

0:19:12.284,0:19:15.730
And that we can encounter each other.

0:19:15.730,0:19:21.342
Human essence to human essence.

0:19:21.342,0:19:26.508
Beyond right thinking [br]and beyond wrong thinking

0:19:26.508,0:19:28.902
there is a field.

0:19:28.902,0:19:32.609
I will you meet you there.

0:19:32.609,0:19:34.535
Thank you.

0:19:34.535,0:19:41.906
(Applause)