Why domestic violence victims don't leave
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0:01 - 0:04I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,
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0:04 - 0:08which has an equally disturbing answer.
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0:08 - 0:11My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,
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0:11 - 0:14and the question I'm going to tackle
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0:14 - 0:18is the one question everyone always asks:
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0:18 - 0:19Why does she stay?
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0:19 - 0:23Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?
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0:23 - 0:26I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker
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0:26 - 0:29or an expert in domestic violence.
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0:29 - 0:32I'm just one woman with a story to tell.
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0:32 - 0:36I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.
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0:36 - 0:39I had moved to New York City for my first job
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0:39 - 0:42as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.
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0:42 - 0:44I had my first apartment,
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0:44 - 0:48my first little green American Express card,
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0:48 - 0:51and I had a very big secret.
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0:51 - 0:54My secret was that I had this gun
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0:54 - 0:58loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head
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0:58 - 1:00by the man who I thought was my soulmate,
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1:00 - 1:04many, many times.
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1:04 - 1:07The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth
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1:07 - 1:11held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me
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1:11 - 1:15more times than I can even remember.
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1:15 - 1:17I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,
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1:17 - 1:20a psychological trap disguised as love,
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1:20 - 1:23one that millions of women and even a few men
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1:23 - 1:26fall into every year.
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1:26 - 1:28It may even be your story.
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1:28 - 1:32I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.
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1:32 - 1:34I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,
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1:34 - 1:36an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.
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1:36 - 1:39I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies
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1:39 - 1:44including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.
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1:44 - 1:48I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband
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1:48 - 1:50and we have three kids together.
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1:50 - 1:55My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.
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1:55 - 1:57(Laughter)
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1:57 - 2:00So my first message for you is that domestic violence
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2:00 - 2:02happens to everyone --
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2:02 - 2:06all races, all religions, all income and education levels.
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2:06 - 2:08It's everywhere.
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2:08 - 2:11And my second message is that everyone thinks
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2:11 - 2:13domestic violence happens to women,
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2:13 - 2:15that it's a women's issue.
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2:15 - 2:17Not exactly.
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2:17 - 2:21Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse
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2:21 - 2:27happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,
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2:27 - 2:30in other words, in families,
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2:30 - 2:33the last place we would want or expect to find violence,
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2:33 - 2:38which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.
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2:38 - 2:41I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth
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2:41 - 2:44who would stay with a man who beats me,
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2:44 - 2:47but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.
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2:47 - 2:51I was 22, and in the United States,
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2:51 - 2:54women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely
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2:54 - 2:57to be domestic violence victims
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2:57 - 3:00as women of other ages,
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3:00 - 3:03and over 500 women and girls this age
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3:03 - 3:07are killed every year by abusive partners,
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3:07 - 3:11boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.
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3:11 - 3:15I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing
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3:15 - 3:19about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.
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3:19 - 3:24I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.
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3:24 - 3:27He sat next to me on the New York City subway,
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3:27 - 3:29and he started chatting me up.
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3:29 - 3:31He told me two things.
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3:31 - 3:35One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,
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3:35 - 3:39and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.
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3:39 - 3:43But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting
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3:43 - 3:46was that he was smart and funny
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3:46 - 3:48and he looked like a farm boy.
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3:48 - 3:50He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks
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3:50 - 3:52and this wheat-blond hair,
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3:52 - 3:55and he seemed so sweet.
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3:55 - 3:59One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,
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3:59 - 4:04was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.
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4:04 - 4:07He did this especially at the beginning
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4:07 - 4:09by idolizing me.
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4:09 - 4:13We started dating, and he loved everything about me,
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4:13 - 4:14that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,
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4:14 - 4:17that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.
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4:17 - 4:20He wanted to know everything about my family
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4:20 - 4:23and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.
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4:23 - 4:26Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,
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4:26 - 4:30in a way that no one else ever had.
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4:30 - 4:34And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us
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4:34 - 4:37by confessing his secret,
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4:37 - 4:41which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,
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4:41 - 4:44he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused
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4:44 - 4:46by his stepfather,
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4:46 - 4:50and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,
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4:50 - 4:52even though he was very smart,
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4:52 - 4:56and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.
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4:56 - 4:59Which is why that Ivy League degree
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4:59 - 5:02and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future
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5:02 - 5:04meant so much to him.
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5:04 - 5:06If you had told me
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5:06 - 5:12that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me
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5:12 - 5:16would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,
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5:16 - 5:18how short my skirts were,
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5:18 - 5:20where I lived, what jobs I took,
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5:20 - 5:23who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,
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5:23 - 5:25I would have laughed at you,
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5:25 - 5:28because there was not a hint of violence or control
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5:28 - 5:32or anger in Conor at the beginning.
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5:32 - 5:35I didn't know that the first stage
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5:35 - 5:37in any domestic violence relationship
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5:37 - 5:41is to seduce and charm the victim.
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5:41 - 5:46I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.
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5:46 - 5:50Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,
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5:50 - 5:53"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,
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5:53 - 5:55but I need to move into the next phase
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5:55 - 5:59where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —
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5:59 - 6:01"so I need to get you out of this apartment
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6:01 - 6:02where the neighbors can hear you scream
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6:02 - 6:05and out of this city where you have friends and family
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6:05 - 6:08and coworkers who can see the bruises."
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6:08 - 6:12Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening
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6:12 - 6:15and he told me that he had quit his job that day,
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6:15 - 6:17his dream job,
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6:17 - 6:22and he said that he had quit his job because of me,
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6:22 - 6:25because I had made him feel so safe and loved
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6:25 - 6:28that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,
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6:28 - 6:30and he just wanted to get out of the city
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6:30 - 6:33and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,
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6:33 - 6:36and move to a tiny town in New England
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6:36 - 6:40where he could start his life over with me by his side.
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6:40 - 6:44Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,
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6:44 - 6:48and my dream job,
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6:48 - 6:50but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,
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6:50 - 6:54so I agreed, and I quit my job,
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6:54 - 6:56and Conor and I left Manhattan together.
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6:56 - 7:01I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,
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7:01 - 7:04that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid
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7:04 - 7:09physical, financial and psychological trap.
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7:09 - 7:11The next step in the domestic violence pattern
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7:11 - 7:16is to introduce the threat of violence
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7:16 - 7:18and see how she reacts.
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7:18 - 7:21And here's where those guns come in.
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7:21 - 7:24As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,
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7:24 - 7:26that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --
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7:26 - 7:29he bought three guns.
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7:29 - 7:32He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.
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7:32 - 7:35He kept one under the pillows on our bed,
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7:35 - 7:38and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.
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7:38 - 7:40And he said that he needed those guns
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7:40 - 7:43because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.
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7:43 - 7:46He needed them to feel protected.
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7:46 - 7:49But those guns were really a message for me,
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7:49 - 7:51and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,
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7:51 - 7:57my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.
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7:57 - 8:01Conor first physically attacked me
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8:01 - 8:03five days before our wedding.
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8:03 - 8:08It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.
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8:08 - 8:12I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,
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8:12 - 8:14and I got frustrated,
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8:14 - 8:17and Conor used my anger as an excuse
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8:17 - 8:20to put both of his hands around my neck
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8:20 - 8:24and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,
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8:24 - 8:26and he used the chokehold
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8:26 - 8:30to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.
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8:30 - 8:35Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,
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8:35 - 8:38and I put on my mother's wedding dress,
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8:38 - 8:40and I married him.
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8:40 - 8:42Despite what had happened,
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8:42 - 8:46I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,
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8:46 - 8:50because I loved him, and he loved me so much.
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8:50 - 8:53And he was very, very sorry.
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8:53 - 8:57He had just been really stressed out by the wedding
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8:57 - 8:59and by becoming a family with me.
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8:59 - 9:00It was an isolated incident,
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9:00 - 9:04and he was never going to hurt me again.
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9:04 - 9:07It happened twice more on the honeymoon.
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9:07 - 9:10The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach
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9:10 - 9:12and I got lost,
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9:12 - 9:15and he punched me in the side of my head so hard
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9:15 - 9:18that the other side of my head repeatedly hit
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9:18 - 9:20the driver's side window.
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9:20 - 9:23And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,
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9:23 - 9:26he got frustrated by traffic,
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9:26 - 9:29and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.
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9:29 - 9:32Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week
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9:32 - 9:35for the next two and a half years of our marriage.
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9:35 - 9:38I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique
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9:38 - 9:41and alone in this situation.
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9:41 - 9:43One in three American women
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9:43 - 9:47experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,
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9:47 - 9:51and the CDC reports that 15 million children
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9:51 - 9:54are abused every year, 15 million.
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9:54 - 9:59So actually, I was in very good company.
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9:59 - 10:01Back to my question:
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10:01 - 10:03Why did I stay?
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10:03 - 10:06The answer is easy.
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10:06 - 10:09I didn't know he was abusing me.
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10:09 - 10:13Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,
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10:13 - 10:15pushed me down stairs,
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10:15 - 10:16threatened to kill our dog,
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10:16 - 10:20pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,
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10:20 - 10:23poured coffee grinds on my head
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10:23 - 10:25as I dressed for a job interview,
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10:25 - 10:29I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.
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10:29 - 10:33Instead, I was a very strong woman
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10:33 - 10:35in love with a deeply troubled man,
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10:35 - 10:37and I was the only person on Earth
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10:37 - 10:41who could help Conor face his demons.
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10:41 - 10:45The other question everybody asks is,
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10:45 - 10:47why doesn't she just leave?
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10:47 - 10:51Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.
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10:51 - 10:56To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,
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10:56 - 10:59because we victims know something you usually don't:
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10:59 - 11:03It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.
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11:03 - 11:06Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern
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11:06 - 11:09is kill her.
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11:09 - 11:12Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders
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11:12 - 11:16happen after the victim has ended the relationship,
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11:16 - 11:18after she's gotten out,
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11:18 - 11:21because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.
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11:21 - 11:24Other outcomes include long-term stalking,
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11:24 - 11:27even after the abuser remarries;
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11:27 - 11:29denial of financial resources;
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11:29 - 11:32and manipulation of the family court system
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11:32 - 11:34to terrify the victim and her children,
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11:34 - 11:39who are regularly forced by family court judges
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11:39 - 11:41to spend unsupervised time
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11:41 - 11:45with the man who beat their mother.
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11:45 - 11:49And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?
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11:49 - 11:51I was able to leave,
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11:51 - 11:54because of one final, sadistic beating
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11:54 - 11:57that broke through my denial.
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11:57 - 12:00I realized that the man who I loved so much
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12:00 - 12:03was going to kill me if I let him.
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12:03 - 12:06So I broke the silence.
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12:06 - 12:08I told everyone:
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12:08 - 12:12the police, my neighbors,
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12:12 - 12:16my friends and family, total strangers,
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12:16 - 12:23and I'm here today because you all helped me.
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12:23 - 12:25We tend to stereotype victims
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12:25 - 12:29as grisly headlines,
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12:29 - 12:32self-destructive women, damaged goods.
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12:32 - 12:35The question, "Why does she stay?"
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12:35 - 12:40is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"
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12:40 - 12:44as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men
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12:44 - 12:46intent upon destroying us.
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12:46 - 12:49But since publishing "Crazy Love,"
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12:49 - 12:52I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women
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12:52 - 12:55who also got out,
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12:55 - 12:59who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,
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12:59 - 13:03and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --
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13:03 - 13:06as employees, wives and mothers,
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13:06 - 13:10lives completely free of violence, like me.
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13:10 - 13:15Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim
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13:15 - 13:18and a typical domestic violence survivor.
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13:18 - 13:22I remarried a kind and gentle man,
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13:22 - 13:24and we have those three kids.
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13:24 - 13:28I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.
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13:28 - 13:31What I will never have again,
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13:31 - 13:34ever,
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13:34 - 13:36is a loaded gun held to my head
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13:36 - 13:40by someone who says that he loves me.
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13:40 - 13:43Right now, maybe you're thinking,
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13:43 - 13:44"Wow, this is fascinating,"
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13:44 - 13:48or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"
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13:48 - 13:54but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.
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13:54 - 13:57I promise you there are several people
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13:57 - 13:59listening to me right now
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13:59 - 14:02who are currently being abused
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14:02 - 14:04or who were abused as children
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14:04 - 14:08or who are abusers themselves.
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14:08 - 14:10Abuse could be affecting your daughter,
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14:10 - 14:15your sister, your best friend right now.
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14:15 - 14:18I was able to end my own crazy love story
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14:18 - 14:21by breaking the silence.
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14:21 - 14:23I'm still breaking the silence today.
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14:23 - 14:27It's my way of helping other victims,
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14:27 - 14:30and it's my final request of you.
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14:30 - 14:33Talk about what you heard here.
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14:33 - 14:36Abuse thrives only in silence.
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14:36 - 14:40You have the power to end domestic violence
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14:40 - 14:44simply by shining a spotlight on it.
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14:44 - 14:47We victims need everyone.
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14:47 - 14:51We need every one of you to understand
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14:51 - 14:55the secrets of domestic violence.
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14:55 - 14:58Show abuse the light of day by talking about it
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14:58 - 15:00with your children, your coworkers,
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15:00 - 15:02your friends and family.
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15:02 - 15:05Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people
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15:05 - 15:08with full futures.
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15:08 - 15:11Recognize the early signs of violence
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15:11 - 15:14and conscientiously intervene,
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15:14 - 15:18deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.
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15:18 - 15:22Together we can make our beds,
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15:22 - 15:26our dinner tables and our families
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15:26 - 15:29the safe and peaceful oases they should be.
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15:29 - 15:31Thank you.
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15:31 - 15:39(Applause)
- Title:
- Why domestic violence victims don't leave
- Speaker:
- Leslie Morgan Steiner
- Description:
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Leslie Morgan Steiner was in “crazy love” -- that is, madly in love with a man who routinely abused her and threatened her life. Steiner tells the dark story of her relationship, correcting misconceptions many people hold about victims of domestic violence, and explaining how we can all help break the silence. (Filmed at TEDxRainier.)
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 15:59
Thu-Huong Ha edited English subtitles for Why domestic violence victims don't leave | ||
Thu-Huong Ha approved English subtitles for Why domestic violence victims don't leave | ||
Thu-Huong Ha edited English subtitles for Why domestic violence victims don't leave | ||
Thu-Huong Ha edited English subtitles for Why domestic violence victims don't leave | ||
Morton Bast accepted English subtitles for Why domestic violence victims don't leave | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for Why domestic violence victims don't leave | ||
Joseph Geni added a translation |