Ernst & The Light

ERNST & THE LIGHT was the Danish short film contender for the Live Action Academy Award 1997, directed by Anders Thomas Jensen and Tomas Villum Jensen in 1996.

English subtitles by Pil Lindgreen K.

Danish description:
Kortfilmen Ernst og lyset.
Instruktører: Anders Thomas Jensen og Tomas Villum Jensen
År: 1996
Du kan læse mere om filmen på http://da.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernst_%26_Lyset

ERNST & THE LIGHT

WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?

Connie here

Hi babe - Ernie calling.

Why haven't you called?

It's that bloody mobile phone.

It hasn't got the brains to function...

... well, I don't care, I'll get a new one soon,
I can't be bothered anymore.

How was your trip?

Oh, good, good --

It was Guten Tag, Auf Wiedersehen,
and everything flew off the shelves!

Did you see the light last night?

It was incredibly...

No, but I read about it.

Why don't you start spreading your legs,
and I'll be home in about an hour?

(Radio)... the entire globe was lit up for 14½ seconds last night...

experts from all over the world have gathered in Denmark today

to examine this high energy release, whose source has not yet been identified...

... last night's global light phenomenon is being interpreted by the cult as a sign

-- over 30.000 fanatics in the Philippines have been conducting mass-crucifictions throughout the day...

Damn it!

Can I hitch a ride?

Sure... I don't see a problem with that.

It's just... I don't think the car will start.

Try!

There you go.

Yep.

So where are you heading?

I have a long journey ahead of me.

Hell, don't we all!

There's something you need to understand, Ernst.

You have been chosen.

I have been what?

You have been chosen.

Chosen to follow me.

This is the dawn of a new age!

You are my first disciple.

Hey, are you a member of a cult, or something?

No, no -- I have returned.

We have much to do.

Hey, mitts off my phone!

It's broken enough as it is.

I think it is working again.

How the hell did you do that?

It hasn't been working the past three days!

Imagine being the inventor of the telephone.

No, that was Graham Bell.

Yes, well, that's beside the point.

The man must have felt like an idiot.

Didn't it strike you as odd that I just fixed it like that?

Yeah, sure, but imagine inventing the phone, right?

Sure, sure, you have a telephone --

but you're sitting there with your very own phone

and you must feel like a right idiot!

Do you know what I mean?

There's no one to call, because you're the only one in the world with a telephone!

Didn't it strike you as odd that you passed me twice on the road back there?

Nope.

But didn't it strike you as rather strange
that you were able to pass me twice,

and that your car suddenly went dead,
and that I know your name,

and isn't it highly mysterious that I can
make things work again just by touching them?

Nope.

People do the most remarkable things to get a ride.

Are you normal, Ernst?

Am I normal!

You are asking me whether I am normal?

Hell, you are the one who has obviously
just escaped from some mental institution!

I don't understand.

Things aren't exactly right with you, are they?

Look at your clothes.

You are out hitching a ride at two in the morning.

I am the son of God. I have returned!

And you have been chosen to be my disciple!

See what I'm saying?

You don't look anything like Jesus.

Not that that's something to crucify a man for.

Crucify! Get it?

I... am the Son of God, Ernst.

Imagine if He had to pay alimony to everyone
who has ever claimed to be His son!

Then He wouldn't have any savings left for the holidays, now would He?

You are Ernst Petersen, are you not?

You are a cleaning supplies salesman, are you not?

Yes.

And there's nothing wrong with that!

It may not sound as fancy as a degree in law or business economics, but it pays well, my friend!

Do you not understand anything?

The whole world is waiting for us.

You have been chosen to be the first
among the multitudes who will follow me!

It has been decided.

And who decided?

The Lord did.

We are on a mission.

Piss off -- get out of my car!

I refuse to listen to any more bullshit--

I am tired, I want to go home;
I want to get laid, watch tv and then off to bed.

But Ernst...

No more mission bullshit!

No more talk of God and chosen ones.

If you want a ride, you'll tell me where you're going

and you will shut the hell up!

Or you'll tell me about the latest match results,

or something...

Is there nothing I can do to make you believe in me?

Get out!

But I am the son of God!

Jesus Christ.

I wouldn't give two shits if you were Michael Laudrup's sister, you are getting out of my car right now!

You can't go without me.

How the hell do you do that?

I am the son of God.

Then make it start again.

Should we go?

I'll be damned...

Okay.

Let's say you are Jesus.

Then what are you doing here?

Humanity has waited for me for two thousand years.

Now I am here at last.

You might want to lower your expectations
for your popularity, you know.

Of course, you will be given some attention at first; there's the tabloids, the daily news...

... but the world has changed.

It's your own fault, you know.
Two thousand years is a long time!

Hey, I'm a salesman -- you always have to follow up on an order within a week,

--otherwise the client gets cold feet!

If I had the habit of waiting two thousand years,
I would still be driving a Fiat, know what I mean?

Yes... maybe.

The times are changing, you have to keep up.

If only you'd said 'He'll be back in, say, 50 years'

but now! Now it is too damned late.

I wasn't my choice.

Why did it have to take you this long?

I'm not exactly sure...

Was it that '2000' sounded cool?

Or did you do it to increase the excitement?

It was Father's idea.

God?

Yes.

Isn't he rather bossy?

I mean, have you never dreamed of
doing something all on your own?

No, I just obey.

That's not going to take you far!

Why?

Because people are fed up with that nonsense.

Today you need to be independent and strong

There are plenty of Japanese out there who can do everything better and cheaper and faster

In this world, it's no good saying:
"I'm doing it because my father told me to"

No, you have to shout it: "Here I am, and I will kick
everyone who doesn't take notice right in the crotch!"

But I...

No 'but's!

You just have to face the fact that you failed.

You're obsolete, the market's gone!

Yes, pull yourself together and invest your know-how in something new, find out where you're needed.

Hasn't anyone kept the faith alive?

Doesn't anyone want salvation?

Like hell they do.

People want sex. And violence.
And sex and sex.

And then cleaning supplies.

Then what's the point of anything?

The point? Ha!

Have you ever been a salesman?

No.

Okay.

I think you may have it in you.

I think I could get you a job.

No...

If you don't become my disciple tonight

and if we... if we don't...

Then what?

Then it all goes to hell, or what?

Yes!

I'm the saviour!

You don't have to save anyone,

you just need to think about yourself.

But...

if you don't join me tonight, I'll have to go back,

don't you understand? I won't be able to come back for another two thousand years!

You'll just have to stay here.

I can't.

Aren't you old enough by now to make your own decisions?

What is this?

I will go back.

You are a very, very sick and confused man,
you know that?

Goodbye, Ernst.

Well, goodbye, then.

It's Connie

Hi babe.

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

Did you see it?

I saw it again, the light!

The television was...

Yes, yes, I saw it.

Wait until you hear this, you won't believe it:

What?

My mobile phone is working again!