A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ...

Iranian-American comedian Maz Jobrani takes to the TEDxSummit stage in Doha, Qatar to take on serious issues in the Middle East -- like how many kisses to give when saying “Hi,” and what not to say on an American airplane.

Hello, Doha. Hello!

Salaam alaikum.

I love coming to Doha.
It's such an international place.

It feels like the United Nations here.

You land at the airport,
and you're welcomed by an Indian lady

who takes you to Al Maha Services,
where you meet a Filipino lady

who hands you off to a South African lady

who then takes you to a Korean

who takes you to a Pakistani guy
with the luggage

who takes you to the car
with a Sri Lankan.

You go to the hotel and you check in.
There's a Lebanese.

Yeah? And then a Swedish guy
showed me my room.

I said, "Where are the Qataris?"

(Laughter)

(Applause)

They said, "No, no, it's too hot.
They come out later. They're smart."

"They know."

(Laughter)

And of course, it's growing so fast,
sometimes there's growing pains.

You know, like sometimes
you run into people

that you think know the city well,
but they don't know it that well.

My Indian cab driver showed up at the W,

and I asked him to take me
to the Sheraton,

and he said, "No problem, sir."

And then we sat there for two minutes.

I said, "What's wrong?"
He said, "One problem, sir."

(Laughter)

I said, "What?" He goes, "Where is it?"

(Laughter)

I go, "You're the driver,
you should know."

He goes, "No, I just arrived, sir."

I go, "You just arrived at the W?"
"No, I just arrived in Doha, sir."

(Laughter)

"I was on my way home from the airport,

I got a job. I'm working already."

(Laughter)

He goes, "Sir, why don't you drive?"

(Laughter)

"I don't know where we're going."

"Neither do I. It will be
an adventure, sir."

(Laughter)

The Middle East has been
an adventure the past couple of years.

It is going crazy with the Arab Spring
and revolution and all this.

Are there any Lebanese
here tonight, by applause?

(Cheering)

Lebanese, yeah.

The Middle East is going crazy.

You know the Middle East is going crazy

when Lebanon is the most peaceful
place in the region.

(Laughter) (Applause)

Who would have thought?

(Laughter)

Oh my gosh.

No, there's serious issues in the region.

Some people don't want to talk about them.
I'm here to talk about them tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East,
here's a serious issue.

When we see each other, when we say hello,

how many kisses are we going to do?

(Laughter)

Every country is different
and it's confusing, okay?

In Lebanon, they do three.

In Egypt, they do two.

I was in Lebanon, I got used to three.

I went to Egypt. I went to say hello
to this one Egyptian guy,

I went, one, two. I went for three --

He wasn't into it.

(Laughter)

I told him, I said, "No, no,
I was just in Lebanon."

He goes, "I don't care where you were.
You just stay where you are, please."

(Laughter) (Applause)

I went to Saudi Arabia.

In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two,
and then they stay on the same side:

three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine,

10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 --

(Laughter)

Next time you see a Saudi, look closely.

They're just a little bit tilted.

(Laughter)

"Abdul, are you okay?"

"I was saying hello
for half an hour. I'll be all right."

(Laughter)

Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose.

Why is that? Are you too tired
to go all the way around?

(Laughter)

"Habibi, it's so hot. Just come here
for a second. Say hello.

Hello, Habibi. Just don't move.
Just stay there, please.

I need to rest."

(Laughter)

Iranians, sometimes we do two,
sometimes we do three.

A friend of mine explained to me,
before the '79 revolution, it was two.

(Laughter)

After the revolution, three.

So with Iranians, you can tell
whose side the person is on

based on the number
of kisses they give you.

Yeah, if you go one, two, three --
"I can't believe you support this regime!"

(Laughter)

"With your three kisses."

(Laughter)

But no, guys, really,
it is exciting to be here,

and like I said, you guys
are doing a lot culturally,

you know, and it's amazing,

and it helps change the image
of the Middle East in the West.

A lot of Americans don't know
a lot about us, about the Middle East.

I'm Iranian and American. I'm there.
I know, I've traveled here.

There's so much, we laugh, right?

People don't know we laugh.

When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour,
it came out on Comedy Central,

I went online to see
what people were saying.

I ended up on a conservative website.

One guy wrote another guy. He said,
"I never knew these people laughed."

Think about it. You never see us laughing
in American film or television, right?

Maybe like an evil laugh: "Wuhahaha."

(Laughter)

"I will kill you in the name
of Allah, wuhahahahaha."

(Laughter)

But never like, "Ha ha ha ha la."

(Laughter)

We like to laugh.
We like to celebrate life.

And I wish more Americans
would travel here.

I always encourage my friends:

"Travel, see the Middle East,

there's so much to see,
so many good people."

And it's vice versa,
and it helps stop problems

of misunderstanding
and stereotypes from happening.

For example, I don't know
if you heard about this,

a little while ago in the US,
there was a Muslim family

walking down the aisle of an airplane,

talking about the safest place
to sit on the plane.

Some passengers overheard them,

somehow misconstrued that
as terrorist talk,

got them kicked off the plane.

It was a family, a mother, father, child,
talking about the seating.

As a Middle Eastern male,

I know there's certain things
I'm not supposed to say

on an airplane in the US, right?

I'm not supposed to be
walking down the aisle,

and be like, "Hi, Jack." That's not cool.

(Laughter)

Even if I'm there with my friend
named Jack, I say,

"Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack."

Never "Hi, Jack."

(Laughter)

But now, apparently we can't even talk

about the safest place
to sit on an airplane.

So my advice to all my Middle Eastern
friends and Muslim friends

and anyone who looks
Middle Eastern or Muslim,

so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos,
everyone, if you're brown --

(Laughter)

Here's my advice to my brown friends.

(Laughter)

The next time you're
on an airplane in the US,

just speak your mother tongue.

That way no one knows
what you're saying. Life goes on.

(Laughter)

Granted, some mother tongues
might sound a little threatening

to the average American.

If you're walking
down the aisle speaking Arabic,

you might freak them out --

(Imitating Arabic)

They might say, "What's he talking about?"

The key, to my Arab brothers and sisters,

is to throw in random
good words to put people at ease

as you're walking down the aisle.

Just as you're walking down --

(Imitating Arabic)

Strawberry!

(Laughter)

(Imitating Arabic)

Rainbow!

(Laughter)

(Imitating Arabic)

Tutti Frutti!

(Laughter)

"I think he's going to hijack
the plane with some ice cream."

Thank you very much. Have a good night.

Thank you, TED.

(Cheers) (Applause)