The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)

The Reduced Shakespeare Company

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen

Welcome to the Criterion Theatre

And to the tonight's performance by
the Reduced Shakespeare Company

I have a few brief announcements
before we get underway

The use of flash photography

Or the recording of this show
by any means - audio or video

Is prohibited by management

Also please refrain from eating,
drinking or smoking anything

In the theatre.

Please take a moment now to locate

The exit nearest your seat.

Should the theatre experience
a sudden loss of pressure

Oxygen masks will drop automatically.

Simply place the mask
over your nose and mouth

And continue to breath normally.

If you are at the theatre
with a small child,

Please, place your own mask on first,

And let the little
bugger fend for himself.

At this time, I'd like
to introduce myself.

My name is Reed Martin of the
Reduced Shakespeare Company

And this evening, we are
going to attempt a feat

Which we believe to be unprecedented

In the history of theatre.

That is to capture, in a
single theatrical performance,

The magic, the genius,
the towering grandeur,

Of the complete works
of William Shakespeare.

Now we've got a lot
to get through tonight,

So at this time, I'd like to introduce
a member of the company

Who is one of California's
preeminent Shakespearian scholars.

He has a bachelor's degree from
the University of California at Berkely

Where I believe he read two
books about William Shakespeare

He is here tonight to give us a brief
preface to the complete works

Of William Shakespeare Abridged:

Please welcome me in joining

Mr. Austin Tichenor!

Thank thee. Thanks! Thank you.

Thank you, and good evening,
ladies and gentlemen

William Shakespeare.

Playwright, poet, actor, philosopher.

A man whose creative and literary genius

Has had immeasurably profound influence

Upon the consciousness and culture
of the entire English speaking world

And yet, how much do we really know?

I mean, how much do we really appreciate

The tremendous body of work contained

In this single volume?

Well, not enough is the answer

And I believe I can illustrate this by
giving a brief poll amongst the audience.

Bob, can I get some
House lights on please?

Oh, yes. Now, you're
a theatre-going crowd

No doubt of an above average
cultural and literary awareness

And yet, if I could just
have a brief show of hands:

How many of you have ever seen
or read any play by William Shakespeare?

Any play at all by the Bard?
Just raise your hand

It doesn't matter which...

We better get out of here,
they don't know...

Austin, they don't know
Shakespeare from shinola

Just keep going. Narrow it down.

Let's see if we can narrow
it down a bit, shall we?

Um, how many of you have ever
seen or read All's Well That Ends Well?

All's Well, anyone?

Yes, so that seems to be separating
the wheat from the chaff rather nicely

Let's see if we can find out who the true
Shakespeare trivia champs are here tonight

How many of you have ever seen
or read King John? King John in...

Oh yeah, right. Well would you
mind telling us what it's all about?

No, no, don't ask her,
no, no, no, I'm... I'm talking...

Ladies and gentlemen, you laugh, you scoff

but let he or she among you who is
free from sin live in a glass house

I submit to you. I submit to you that our
society's collective capacity to comprehend

much less attain the
genius of William Shakespeare

Has been systematically
compromised by computers

Vandalized by video games

And annihilated by
Andrew Lloyd Webber

But have no fear. The Reduced
Shakespeare Company is here

We descend among you on a mission
from God and the literary Muse

To spread the holy word
of the Bard to the masses

To help you take those
first, faltering steps

Out of the twentieth century quagmire
of fresh frozen fast food culture

And into the future! A glorious future.

A future in which this book will be
found in every hotel room in the world!

That is my dream! Yes! Yes!
Thank you! Thank you!

Yes, I feel as if I'm
preaching to the converted

Can I get an AMEN? [Amen!]

Oh, thank you Jesus! That's my dream!
And it begins tonight

Join us, join us in taking those
first steps down the path

Towards the brave new
world of intellectual redemption

By opening your hearts, please, please,
open your hearts, and your pocket books

Please, c'mon now, we accept any
denomination, any currency at all

Anything except the Euro. We
have no idea what that is all about

Y'know. C'mon, man, give us
your ca - give us your cash

If we be friends, and deduct
it when the tax year ends!

And now on with the show. Let us bring
it to ya', put some love in your hearts

Gimme a Hallelujah! [Hallelujah!]

Oh, may the Bard be with you

Good night, thank you

Those of you who
own a copy of this book

Know that no volume is complete without a
brief biography of William Shakespeare

Providing this portion of the performance

will be the third member of the
Reduced Shakespeare Company

Please welcome to the stage,
Mr. Adam Long!

Oh, shit

No, no, let me get it, they go in order

So just let me get... I got it.

Okay, what I did was I've just written a
few notes on Shakespeare's life

Just to get the show off to a good start

Just so like everybody can know
all the stuff that he did and everything

As you can see, I'm not actually an
audience member, I completely fooled you

Okay. Okay. William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare was born in 1564 in the
town of Stratford-Upon-Avon, Warwickshire

The third of eight children he was
the eldest son of John Shakespeare

a locally prominent merchant,
and Mary Arden, daughter of a Roman...

Catholic member of the Landed Gentry.

In 1582, he married Anne Hathaway

Shakespeare arrived in London in 1588

And by 1592, he had achieved
success as an actor and a playwright

After 1608, his dramatic production lessened, and
it seems that he spent more time in Stratford

There he dictated to his secretary,
Rudolf Hess, the work Mein Kampf...

In which he set forth this program for the restoration
of Germany to a dominant position in Europe

After reoccupying the Rhineland Zone between
France and Germany and annexing Austria,

the Sudetenland, and the
remainder of Czechoslovakia...

Shakespeare invaded Poland
on September 1, 1939

Thus precipitating World War II

I never knew that before

Okay, okay

Shakespeare remained in Berlin when the
Russians entered the city on April 1, 1945

And committed suicide
with his mistress, Eva Peron.

He lies buried in the church at Stratford

Thank you very much, that's all I've got

And now, without further ado, the Reduced
Shakespeare Company is proud to prevent

the Complete Works of William Shakespeare:

Abridged!

All the world's a stage, and all the
men and women merely players

They have their exits and their entrances,
and one man in his time plays many parts

One man in his time plays
many parts: how true!

Ladies and gentlemen, where better to
begin our exploration into the complete

works of the greatest of all English
playwrights than in Verona, Italy

With two of his most beloved
characters, Romeo and Juliet!

Now, Adam and Reed are going to assist me by
portraying all the major characters in Romeo and Juliet

While I fill in with bits of crucial narration.

We begin with the prologue.

Two households, both alike in dignity, in

fair Verona, where we lay our scene, from

ancient grudge breaks a new mutiny, where

civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of these two

foes, a pair of star-crossed lovers take

their life. Huah! Whose misadventure

piteous o'erthrows, do, with their death,

bury their parents' strife.
Thank you very much

Act 1, Scene 1. In the street
meet two men, tall and handsome

One, Benvolio. The other named Sampson

Their hatred fueled by an ancient feud,
for one serves Capulet, the other, Montague-d.

Oh, it's him. I hate him,

his family, hate his dog, hate 'em all.

Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

No, sir, I do but bite my thumb.

Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?

No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir

but I do but bite my thumb. Do you quarrel, sir?

Quarrel, sir? No, sir!

But if you do, sir, I am for you,
a serve as good a man as you.

Hah! No better.

Yes. Better.

You lie!

Montague!

I'm twisting your hand! Argh!

This is really gonna hurt you!

Rebellious subjects!

Uh-oh, it's the Prince!

Enemies to the peace, profaners
of this neighbor-stainéd steel

You, Capulet, shall go along with me.

Benvolio, come you this afternoon to
know our farther pleasure in this case.

Sorry

Oh, where is Romeo? Saw you him today,

Right glad I am, he was not at this fray.

Ah, but see, he comes!

Romeo, he cried, I will know his grievance,

Or be much denied. Good morrow, cuz.

Is the day so young?

But new struck nine.

Ay, me. Sad hours seem long.

What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?

Not having that which,
having, makes them short.

In love?

Out.

Of love?

Out of her favor, where I am in love.

Alas, that love, so gentle in his view,

Should be so rough and tyrannous in proof.

Alas that love, whose view is muffled

Still, should without eyes
see pathways to his will.

Oh!

Go ye to the feast of Capulets.

There sups the fair Rosalind whom thou so lovest
with all the admired beauties of Verona.

Go thither, and compare her face
with some that I shall show, oh baby

And I shall make thee think thy swan a crow.

I'll go along! No such sight to be shown,
but to rejoice in splendor of mine own.

And, so much for Act 1

It wasn't that good.

Now to the feast of Capulet, where
Romeo is doomed to meet his Juliet

And where, in a scene of timeless romance,
he'll try to get into Juliet's pants.

Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn
bright. Did my heart love 'till now?

Forswear it, sight. For I ne'er
saw true beauty 'till this night.

If I profane with my unworthiest hand,
this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:

My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand
to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss

Oh, good pilgrim you do wrung your hands
too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this.

For saints have hands that pilgims' hands do touch,
and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

Have not saints lips and holy palmers too?

Ay, pilgrim. Lips they must use in prayer.

Oh then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do

Saints do not move,
though grant for prayer's sake.

Then move not, while
my prayer's effect I take.

Then from my lips the
sin that they have took.

Oh, sin from my lips? Trespass,
sweetly urged. Give me my sin again!

- Look, I don't wanna kiss you, man.
- Look, it's on the script.

I don't care, God, I just...

Um, you kiss by the book

- Oh, coming Mother...
- Is she a Capulet?

Ay, so I fear. The more is my unrest.

Just pretend you're not there.

What are you doing?

The balcony scene.

Oh. Um. But soft! What light
through yonder window breaks?

Oh, Romeo, Romeo,
wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name
or if thou wilt not be but sworn my love

And I'll no longer be a Capulet. [Snort.]

Okay, what's in a name, anyway? That which we
call a nose by any other name could still smell

So Romeo, what, oh, Romeo doth thy name,
and for thy name which is no part of thee take all my self

Okay, there is

I take thee at thy word. Call me but love,
and I shall be new baptized

Henceforth I shall never be Romeo

But men art thou. Art thou
not Romeo, and a Montague?

- Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike.
- Dost thou love me, then?

I know thou wilt say I and I will take thy word,
yet if thou swearest thou may as prove false

Oh, Romeo, if thou dost love,
pronounce it faithfully

- Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear
- Swear not by the moon!

What shall I swear by, then?

I don't know. Not the moon. How 'bout her?

- Swear by her
- Lady, by yonder blessed virgin, I swear

I don't think so. No.

No, no, do not swear at all, though I joy
in thee, I have no joy in this contract tonight

It is too rash, too sudden,
too inadvised; too like the lightning

Which doth cease to be
'ere one can say it lightens

- Oh, Romeo
- Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

- What satisfaction canst thou have?
- The exchange of thy most faithful vows for mine

Oh, I did give it thee before
thou didst request it

Three words, gentle Romeo,
and then good night indeed

If that thy bent of love be honorable, thy purpose
marriage, Send Word Tomorrow. One, Two, Three.

Good night, good night,
parting is such sweet sorrow

Bye-bye.

Sleep well in thine eyes,
peace in thy breasts

Oh, that I were sleep and
peace, so sweet to rest

Lo, Romeo did swoon with love.
By Cupid, he'd been crippled

But Juliet had a loathsome curse,
whose loathsome name was Tybalt

Romeo! The love I bear thee can afford
no better trim than this: thou art a villain

Therefore turn and draw!

Tybalt, I do protest! I never injured thee,
but love thee, better than thou give

Oh, thou wretched boy, I aim for you!

Oh, I am slain.

Moving right along.
From Tybalt's death onward

The lovers are cursed. Despite
the best efforts of the friar and nurse

Their fate persues them;
they can't seem to duck it

And at the end of Act 5,
they both kick the bucket

Gallop a pace, you firey-footed steeds!
And bring in cloudy night immediately.

Come, night, come civil night,
come Romeo, thou day and night

Come gentle night, come loving black proud night
Oh, night, night, night, night

Come, come, come, come, come

I didn't write it!

And bring me my Romeo!

Tuck your boobies in.

Oh, can heaven be so envious!

Oh, Romeo, Romeo, who
would have thought it, Romeo?

What devil art thou to torment me, thus?
It's actually rude to torment me

Is Romeo gone and Tybalt slain?

No, Juliet, Tybalt is gone,
and Romeo is banished

Romeo, who killed
Tybalt, he is banished

Oh, God. Did Romeo's
hand shed Tybalt's blood?

It did, it did,
alas the day, it did

Thank you so much.

Now Romeo lives

Now Romeo lives who Tybalt
would have slain, and Tybalt is dead

He that would have killed my husband

Oh, friar Laurence!

Juliet, I already know thy grief. Take now
this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou of

And presently through all thy veins,
shall run a cold and drowsy humor

Oh, I feel a cold and drowsy humor
running through my veins, Obi Wan

Just say no!

Oh, no!

Oh my love, my wife, death that has set the honey
of thy breath hath no power yet upon thy beauty

- Why art thou yet so fair?
- I don't know

Shall I believe that
unsubstantial death is amorous?

To keep me here in the dark,
to be his paramour?

Here's to my love.

Oh, true apothecary,
thy drugs are quick

Thus with a kiss, I die

Thus, with a kiss...

Get over it...
I die.

Good morning!
Where, oh, where is my love?

What's this? Poison, I see,
hath been my true love's timeless end

Oh, churl, drunk all and left no
friendly drop to help me after

Then I'll be brief.
Happy dagger this is thy sheath!

That's Romeo for ya'

Oh, my head!

Oh, my brain!

There rust, and let me die!

Epilogue: A glooming peace, this morning with it brings,
the sun, for sorrow, will not show its head

Go forth, to have more talk of these sad things.
Some shall be pardoned, and some, punished

For never was it there a story of more woah
than this of Juliet and her Romeo

And Romeo and Juliet are dead!

Ladies and gentlemen, in preparing this
unprecedented complete works show

We've encountered the difficulty of trying to make these
four-hundred year old plays accessible to a modern audience

Now, one popular trend is to transpose
Shakespeare's tales into modern settings

And we've seen evidence of this with
productions of Shakespeare's plays

Set in such unusual locations as the lunar landscape,
Nazi prisoner of war camps, and even Vancouver

Now - God bless you - in this vein, Austin
has traced the roots of Shakespeare's symbolism

In the context of a pre-Nietzschian society

Through the totality of a
jejune circular relationship of form

Contrasted with the complete
otherness of metaphysical cosmologies

And the ethical mores entrenched in the
collective subconscious of an agrarian race

So, we now present Shakespeare's first tragedy,
Titus Andronicus, as a cooking program

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen

Good evening, gourmets

And welcome to Roman Meals.
I'm your host, Titus Andronicus. Now look

When you've had a long day,
your left hand chopped off

Your sons murdered,
your daughter raped

Her tongue cut out,
both her hands chopped off

Well, the last thing you wanna do is cook,
you know what I mean?

Unless of course, you cook the rapist
and serve him to his mother at the dinner party

My daughter, Lavinia, and I will show you how!
Good evening Lavinia!

And how are we feeling today?

Not so good, I got my tongue chopped out.

I know, it's a pisser, isn't it?

But we'll have our revenge, won't we?

Now, hark villain, I will grind your bones to dust,
and of your blood in it I'll make a paste

and of that paste a coffin I will rear,
and make a pasty of your shameful head

- Come, Lavinia, receive the blood
- Okey-dokey

Now first thing you wanna do is make a nice clean
incision from the carotid artery to the jugular vein

- Like so
- Oh, that's gross

Yeah. Now, be sure to use a big bowl

Because the human body's got
about four quarts of blood in it

And you don't wanna miss
a single drop; forget about it

Now, whenever he's dead, which should be, now

I will grind his bones into powder small,

And with this hateful liquor temperate,
and in that paste let his vile head be baked

At about 350 degrees.

And 40 minutes later, you have the most
delicious human-head-pie, fit to serve a king

With some lovely lady fingers for desert

Now, who will be the first to
try this delicious taste treat?

Welcome gracious lord, welcome great queen,
will please you eat, will please you feed?

C'mon, it's finger-licking good!

Good one, man, high-five!

Well, that's about all the time we have,
thanks so much for tuning in

And do join us next week,
when our very special guest chef

Timon of Athens will make a lovely
ratatouille out of the Merry Wives of Windsor

And until then, BONE-Appetite!
Thank you very much!

I hope no one was too
offended by Titus Andronicus

Shakespeare as a young writer seems to have gone through a brief Quentin Tarantino phase

But, we shall now move on to explore the genius evident in Shakespeare's more mature work

As we present his dark and brooding
tragedy, Othello, the Moor of Venice

Speak of me as I am, nothing extenuate,
one who loved not wisely, but too well

For never was there a story of more woe
than this of Othello and his Desdemona

Ah, Dese!

Bob, could we have some lights, please?

Uh, we left Adam on his
own to research this play

Uh, apparently he looked
up 'moor' in the dictionary

and thought it was a
place where you tie up boats

- That's what it told me
- Which obviously in this context is obviously totally ridiculous

Because, in the 16th century,
the word 'moor' referred to a black person

I feel like such a dork

Yeah, well, go with the feeling

Look, ladies and gentlemen, we obviously
have some difficulty in even performing Othello

because, as you know,
the part is written for a black actor

- And we are
- I guess you might say that we're, uh, racially challenged

Exactly, so the bottom line is we're not going to be able
to perform Othello for you tonight, I'm very sorry about it

No, no, Austin, Austin, we can do it, we can do it.
I've got an idea that's totally boatless

If we just, aham, If we just
get like a rhythm going, y'know?

Like a

Like a: "Here's a story of a
brother by the name of Othello"

"He liked white women,
and he liked... green jello"

Oh yeah, yeah
And a punk named Iago

Who made himself a menace,
'cause he didn't like Othello

The moor of Venice
And Othello got married to Desdemona

He took her for the wars,
and left her alone-a

He was a moan-a, a groan-a,
he left her alone-a

He didn't write a letter,
and he didn't telephon'er

Desdemona she was faithful,
she was chastity-tight

She was the daughter of a Duke,
yeah, she was totally white

And Iago loved Dese
like Adonis loved Venus

And Dese loved Othello
'cause he had a big... SWORD

Iago, he said,
"I'm gonna shaft the Moor"

How you gonna do it, tell us!

Well, I know his tragic flaw:
he's too damn jealous

I need a dupe, a dope, a kind of schmo,
so he found himself a sucker by the name of Casio

And he plants on him
Desdemona's handkercheifs

So Othello gets to
wondering just maybe if

While he been out fighting, commanding an army,
are Dese and Cas playin' hide the salami?

S-s-s-s-sala-salami!

So he comes back home
he's got a pillow in her face

He kills her and soliloquizes
about his disgrace

But there's Amelia at the door,
who we met in Act 4

Who say, "You big dummy,
she weren't no whore!"

She was pure, she was clean,
she was virginal, too

So why'd you have to go,
and make her face turn blue?"

It's true! It's you!

Now what'chu gonna do? And Othello say,
"Damn, this is getting pretty scary"

Pull out his blade,
and committed Hari-Kari

Do that funky Moor-thing,
white boy!

- That is so hot, man
- Iago got caught, but he probably copped a plea

Lured up his bags and moved to Beverly

Hills, that is. Whoo!

Hey guys, uh, let's lighten up from all the heavy
tragedy, and do some of the comedies for a while

- Word. Let's totally
- Okay, okay

When it came to comedies,
Shakespeare was a genius

At borrowing and adapting plot devices
from different theatrical traditions

This influences include the
Roman plays of Plautus and Terence

Ovid's "Metamorphoses",
which are hysterically funny.

As well as the rich Italian
tradition of commedia dell'arte

Yeah, basically, Shakespeare
stole every comedy he ever wrote

No, no, STOLE is a really strong word
distilled, maybe

Okay he distilled the three or four
funniest comic gimmicks of his time

And then he milked them into 16 plays

You see, basically Shakespeare
was a formula writer

Once he found a device that worked
he used it over and over and over again

So, Mr. Shakespeare,
the question we have is this:

Why did you write 16 comedies,
when you could've written just one?

Well, in answer to this question, we of the Reduced
Shakespeare Company have taken the liberty of condensing

All 16 of Shakespeare's comedies
into a single play

Which we have entitled:

The comedy of two well-measured gentlemen lost in the
Merry Wives of Venice on a Midsummer's Twelfth Night in Winter

Or: Cymbeline Taming Pericles, the Merchant in the
Tempest of Love As Much As You Like It For Nothing

Or: Four weddings and a transvestite.

Act I. A Spanish Duke
swears an oath of celibacy

And turns the rule of his kingdom over
to his sadistic and tyrannical twin brother

He learns some
fantastical feats of magic

And sets sail for
the Golden Age of Greece

Along with his daughters, three beautiful
and virginal set of identical twins

While rounding the heel of Italy,
the Duke’s ship is caught in a terrible tempest

Which, in its fury, casts
the Duke upon a desert island

Along with the loveliest and
most virginal of his daughters

Who stumbles into a cave, where she is molested
by a creature who is either a man, or a fish, or both

Act II. The longlost sons of the Duke's brother,
also coincidentally three sets of identical twins

Have just arrived in Italy

Though still possessed of an inner nobility, they are ragged,
destitute, penniless, flea-infested shadows of the men they once were

And in the utmost extremity are
forced to borrow money from an old Jew

Who deceives them into putting down
their brains as collateral on the loan

Now, the six brothers fall
in love with six Italian sisters

Three of whom are contentious,
sharp-tongued little shrews

While the other three are
submissive, airheaded little bimbos

Act III. The ship wrecked, the identical daughters
of the Duke wash up on the shores of Italy

Disguise themselves as men, become pages to the
shrews and matchmakers to the Duke's brother's sons

They lead all the lovers into a nearby forest,
where, on a midsummer's night,

A bunch of mischievous fairies squeeze the aphroditic
juice of a hermaphroditic flower into the shrews' eyes

Causing them to fall in love with their own pages,
who, in turn, have fallen in love with the Duke's brother's sons

While the queen of the fairies seduces
a jackass, and they all have an orgy

Act IV.

The elderly fathers of the Italian sisters,
finding their daughters missing

Dispatch messages to the pages telling
them to kill any man in the vicinity

However, unable to find men in the forest,
the faithful messengers, in a final misguided act of loyalty

Deliver the messages to each
other and kill themselves

Meanwhile, the fish creature and the Duke
arrive in the forest disguised as Russians

And, for no apparent reason, perform a
two-man underwater version of "Uncle Vanya"

Act V. The Duke commands the
fairies to right their wrongs

The pages and the bimbos get into
a knock-down, drag-out fight in the mud

During which the pages' clothes
get ripped off, revealing female genitalia

The Duke recognizes his daughters

The Duke's brother's sons
recognize their uncle

One of the shrews is elected
Senator from New York

And they all get married and go out to dinner

Except for a minor character in the
second act, who gets eaten by a bear

And the Duke's brother's sons, who,
unable to pay back the old Jew, give themselves lobotomies

And they all live happily ever after
Thank you!

What we would like to
do in this juncture time

Is return quickly to the rest
of Shakespeare's tragedies

Because, basically, we found that the
comedies are not as funny as the tragedies

So, we would like to start this section of the show
with Shakespeare's Scottish play, Macbeth

Which you're really not
supposed to talk about in the theatre

Unless you are performing it

Because it's cursed

Uhu, very scary!

Fortunately, our Reduced Shakespeare Company
not only performs an abbreviated version of Macbeth

But, after much thorough research, we
are able to do so in perfect Scottish accents

Double, double, toil, and trrrouble

Stay, ye, imperrrfect (Mac)speaker.
(Mac)tell me (Mac)morrre

Macbeth... Macbeth...

Bewarrre Macduff

No man of woman born
shall harm Macbeth

'Till Birnam Wood come to
Dunsmane, don't ye know?

That's dead great. Then (Mac)what
(Mac)need (mac)I (Mac)fear of Macduff?

See you, Jimmy!

And know that Macduff was from his mother's womb
untimely ripped! What d'ye think about that?

Ooh! That's bloody disgusting!

Lay on, your great
haggis-breath ye'!

Ah, Macbeth! Ye killed my wife, ye murdered
my bairns, ye did a job in my stoup

- Rrr, I didnae
- Rrr, you did!

- Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
- Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I hadn't throw half of it away!

Behold where stands the
usurper's cursed head

Ah, Macbeth! yer arse is oot the windee

And know that never was there
a story of more blood and death

Than this of Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth
Thank you!

Meanwhile, Julius Caesar
was a much beloved tyrant

All hail Julius Caesar!

Hail, citizens!

- Who was warned by a soothsayer
- Beware the Ides of March

The great Caesar, however,
chose to ignore the warning

What the hell are
the "Ides of March"?

Well, that's the
15th of March

That's today!

Et tu, Brutus?

Friends, Romans, countrymen!

Lend me your ears!

I come to bury Caeser, so let's bury him,
and get on to my play, Antony...

And Cleopatra!

Is this an asp I see before me?
Oh, I'm dying! I've been bit by a snake

It's the venom!
It's all over through my blood!

Adam, stop it! Adam...

Poison! Will you come down? What?

You have this really bizarre notion that all
of Shakespeare's tragedies' heroines

Wear this really ugly wigs,
and vomit on people before they die

- It's an interpretation, man!
- No!

Barfing on people
is not an interpretation!

Just get up here!

He was into it!

Antony and Cleopatra is not
some Alka-Seltzer commercial

It's a romantic thriller about a geopolitical
power struggle between Egypt and Rome

Oh, yeah! Like you knew!
You like all laughing...

I'm sorry! I apologize!
I apologize, you know?

If I had known this was Shakespeare's geopolitical play,
I wouldn't have screwed around with it

because my favorite plays
are his geopolitical plays

- Really, really?
- No, seriously, they're intense, man, like, um...

What was that one he wrote about
nuclear energy in the former Soviet Union?

It was way ahead of its time.
It was a metaphor... wrapped in an allegory

It was totally intense, man. It was called
"Chernobyl Kinsmen," and it was all about this...

Adam, Adam, Shakespeare wrote
a play called "Two Noble Kinsmen"

Not "Chernobyl Kinsmen"!
"Two Noble Kinsmen"!

- "Cher..."
- "Two"

- There was definitely a "Cher"!
- "Two"! "Two"!

- "Two... Noble Kinsmen"!
- "Cher...", "Cher...", "Cherno..."

What's "Two Noble Kinsmen" about?

"Two Noble Kinsmen" is about a
girl who goes insane with the fear

That her boyfriend is going to be eaten
by wolves, and her father, hanged

- And is Boris Yeltsin in it?
- No, NO!!!

I never heard of that
play before, I'm sorry...

Actually once...
Oh, wait a second...

I should explain to these guys

I'm sorry, ladies and
gentlemen, my bad! Listen!

"Two Noble Kinsmen" actually falls in the
category of Shakespeare's plays

That we scholars refer
to as "the apocrypha"

Um, or in some literary circles
"the obscure plays"

Um, and sometimes
"the lesser plays"

And, um, and often quite
simply "the bad plays"

But, but the part is not all of
"the apocrypha" are entirely without merit

In fact, one of them, "Troilus and Cressida",
is hardly crap at all

In fact, I discussed "Troilus and Cressida"
at some lenght in my new soon-to-be-released book

about Shakespeare entitled
"I love my Willy"

Which I’d like to whip
out for you now, if I could...

What? What? No. No, it's my book

Anyway, I was thinking
what we could do

Is a quick, sort of improvised version of
Troilus and Cressida based on this chapter

Yeah, we could do an interpretive
dance, performance art version!

Performance art, I love performance art
It's so... pretentious!

We could do a piece that uses
the text of Troilus and Cressida

As like a jumping-off point to
explore deeper themes, you know?

Like the transient nature of life, and the mythology
involved in the arising and dissipation of forms

Yeah, get some props!

Wait, I was thinking we could do just
a very straightforward scholarly approach

- No, screw that!
- Let's go ahead!

All right, okay. Let's start.
Um, Troilus and Cressida

Was written in 1603, published in 1604
And is in the "First Folio"

Although that version is some 166 lines longer than
the version which appears in the "Second Folio"

Which is about 166 lines shorter than the
version which appears in the "First Folio"

Now, they describe the play in the "First Folio"
as a "history", but later became known as a "comedy"

And it's now known...

No, get rid with it!
Get that out of here!

Get that out of here! What the hell are you..
Get rid of it! Just go!

Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, wait, wait!

Get a life, ladies and gentlemen!

My book has nothing to do with Godzilla!

Awesome, that's great! But there is
anything in the book about the plot?

Of course I cover the plot! What
sort of scholar do you think I am?

I cover the plot in-depth in the
footnote here on page 7, all right?

All right, look! "Troilus, youngest
son of Priam, King of Troy"

Okay, you'll be Troilus,
he'll be the King of Troy

All right! "loves Cressida"

- I'll get the wig!
- All right, great!

And has arranged with her
uncle Pandarus for a meeting

- Although she feigns indifference
- Oh, wait a minute...

She is attracted to him. Meanwhile, Agamemnon,
the Greek commander, has surrounded...

Kids hate to study it at
school because it’s so boring

C'mon, as soon as you said
"Agamemnon", I was asleep, man!

I'm sorry, but we came here to London, I told these guys,
I said, "I will not do dry, boring, vomitless Shakespeare"

No, that just turns you off. That's what
happened to me when I was a kid in school

And we were supposed to
be studying Shakespeare

It's like I'd be boiling it out of my mind, I'd be
looking out the window, and all the kids playing ball

And I'd be sitting myself like,
"why can't Shakespeare stuff be more like sports?"

That's... that's what I've got!
That's what I was thinking...

- You like sports?
- I did like sports, yes!

And you went to High School?

- Yes, in a matter of fact, I did
- Okay, well, whatever...

Because, check it out, sports are
visceral, you know? They are engaging

It's like, um, you know, if you
look at Shakespeare's histories

In the histories, the valorous kings
They are killing each other off

They are passing the throne
from one generation to the next

It's exactly like American Football
Only with a dude with a crown

You know what? They are kind of similar

25, 42, Richard III,
Henry VI part I, II, III, hike!

And the crown is snapped to Richard II,
that well spoken 14th century monarch

He’s fading back to pass, looking for an heir downfield,
but there’s a heavy rush from King John

My gross flesh sinks downwards!

The crown is in the air,
and Henry VI comes up with it!

Victory is mine!

But he’s immediately hit by King John.
He’s cutting Henry VI into three parts

This is going to be be the end of
the War of the Roses Cycle!

King John is in the clear

- My soul hath elbow room
- He’s in the 35 yard line

The 30, the 25, the 20
The 15, the 10...

He is poisoned on the 1 yard line
He is out of the game

Replacing him now: number 72, King Lear

Divide my kingdom in 3.
Cordelia, you go along

All right... Whoa, whoa, hold on!

Looks like there is a penalty called

Fictional character on the field,
Lear is disqualified

All right, Lining up now is that father-son
team of Henry IV and Prince Hal

Center snaps to the quarterback.
Quarterback gives to the hunchback

It looks like that limp is giving
Richard III trouble again

- A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!
- There’s a pile-up on the field

Fumble!!! And Henry VIII comes up with it.
He’s headed to the goaline

He stops at the 5 to
chop off his wife’s head

Who’s your daddy?

Touchdown for the Red Rose! Oh my!

You gotta believe this is the
beginning of a Tudor dynasty!

Henry V, Richard III.
Fellows are dark, and trousers, dirty

Go Fergie!

Can I just... can I borrow your program?
I'll give it right back, I promise

- I just wanne check the list of plays
- What are you doing?

I just wanna look at the list of plays
'Cause I think we might've don'em all already

- Really?
- Sure, because we just did all the histories, right?

Yeah, and we did all
the comedies all together

Oh good, that just leaves the tragedies

Um, Titus Andronicus I did
with all the blood

Romeo and Juliet, Julius
Caesar, Troilus and Cressida

- Othello was a rap, King Lear was in the football game
- Maybe we will let you guys out early tonight

Um, Macbeth, the Scottish play! Yeah!

- Wait, wait. Antony and Cleopatra?
- We did it!

We did it totally!
I threw up on that guy in the hat!

Right, that's right!
Timon of Athens I mentioned

- Coriolanus?
- Oh, just... let's just skip it!

Why? What...
What's the matter with Coriolanus?

I don't like the "anus" part.
I just think...

No, I think it's offensive.
We have some young children

It's not a clever word... (I'm 13)... I don't care if you're 20!
I don't wanna hear you using language like that, young man!

Is this your mommy?

Don't give me the evil eye!

Now I know why some animals eat
their young. You know, I swear to God

I think that kid could kick your ass, so just leave him alone

But I think you are right, we are all...

No, no, no, NO! Look here!

Oh no!

Hamlet!

How... how did we forget Hamlet?

Shakespeare didn't write Hamlet, did he?

- Yes, he did!
- Of course he did!

He didn't!

It's a Mel Gibson movie!

It's based on the play, anyway...

Well, 36 down, just 1 to go.
Perhaps the Bard's greatest play, a play of...

I'm sorry, I really don't feel up for it tonight

I don't... I don't...

Hamlet is a very big play, it's got a lot of words,
it's got, you know, like ideas and stuff

But don't quit, man!

It's just that football game left me
really emotionally and phisically drained

I just, you know,
I don't think I could do justice to it!

We don't have to do justice to it!

I mean, where have you been?
We just have to do it, you know!

- The kid...
- Don't worry about the kid!

The play is called
"The Complete Works of William Shakespeare"

Well, let's just change
the name of the play then...

We call: "The Complete Works of Shakespeare...
Except Hamlet"

That's ridiculous!

I think they will like to
see Hamlet, won't you?

This is... this is... no...
Okay... look, okay...

I you want to do it so bad,
you two do it, and I'll watch

What? That doesn't make any sense!

Oh, shoe... look at this shoe!

No, no, no, no....

I've never seen inside it before...

- What? Is it a crime to take somebody's bag?
- Yes!

Oh, everything I do is wrong!

- What is the matter with you?
- Why don't you take away my birthday?

- What?
- It just sucks! This show sucks!

All right! Are you relaxed?
We are going to do Hamlet, all right?

Okay, all right!
So we will start with the Battle...

Oh, shit! I'm sorry!

Yeah, so there is Bernardo and Horatio

I think it's very sensible for
you to carry those by the way

I'll kill the cameraman, I'll kill him

I don't care, we've got 5
other cameramen, I don't care

Austin is usually a lot faster than Adam

I'm sure they will be back in just a minute

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Tell you what...
let's take an intermission here

Um, go out to the lobby,
stretch your legs, have a few drinks

We're always much more talented
after you had a few drinks

I'll need you back here in 15 minutes
Austin and Adam should be back by then

And we will proceed with
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

I hope...

Please, don't patronize me!

Austin and Adam aren't back yet!

Well, actually, Austin
called in the intermission

He said he caught Adam at the
airport trying to catch a flight to Rio

And, um, he suggested that, until they get back,
I go ahead, and cover the sonnets

Shakespeare wrote 154 sonnets

I've reduced the
meltdown onto this card

And, um, what I was thinking we
could do is pass it among the audience

Like, um, say we start
here with you ma'am, right?

I give you the card, you take it, read it,
enjoy it, passes to the person next to you

Yeah, yeah, you!

Yeah, and then down on the row like that,
and then, if you just pass it behind you

And then just back and forth, and back and forth,
and back and forth, and back...

And forth, and back and forth, and back
and forth, and back

And, by the time it gets to you,
Austin and Adam should be here

So, um, Bob, if we can have
some house lights, please

As I say, ma'am, why don't
we start here with you

Just take it, read it,
enjoy it, pass it along

Austin and Adam,
ladies and gentlemen

This is so uncool, you grabbed me
You gave me a carpet burn on my arm

You should've come here earlier

I don't wanna do this!

- You alright? You alright?
- C'mon! C'mon!

Here, here, blow, blow alright?

Just take him back stage
I'll start here, okay?

Bob, um, can I get some
mood lighting, please?

To, um, to help me
sort of set the scene

For what is perhaps the greatest play
ever written in the English language

Hamlet, the tragedy of
the prince of Denmark

The place... Denmark!

The time... a very long time ago!

The battlements of Elsinore castle.
Round about midnight. Two guards enter

(Adam!) I don't wanna do this
stupid play, leave me alone!

- Get off!
- Don't make me...

I told you!

- Who’s there?
- Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself

- Long live the king
- Bernardo! (He!)

‘Tis now struck twelve
Get thee to bed, Horatio

- For this relief, much thanks
- Well, good night

Peace, break thee off
Look where it comes!

- Mark it, Horatio. It would be spoke to
- What art thou? By heaven, I charge thee, speak!

'Tis gone!

It was about to speak
when the sock crew

Break we our watch up!

And by my advice, let us impart
what we have seen tonight unto

Hamlet, prince of Denmark!

O that this too, too
solid flesh would melt

Thaw, and resolve
itself into a dew

That is should come to
this, but two months dead

So loving to my mother

Frailty, thy name is woman!

Yeah, you!

Married to mine uncle,
my father’s brother

The funeral baked meats did coldly
furnish forth the marriage tables

- My lord!
- Horatio!

- Methinks I see my father
- Where, my lord?

- In my mind’s eye, Horatio
- My lord, I think I saw him yesternight

- Saw who?
- The king, your father!

- The king, my father? But where was this?
- Upon the platform where we watched

‘Tis very strange

I will watch tonight
Perchance ‘twill walk again

All is not well, Horatio.
Would the night were come

So...

O the wind bites shrewdly. It is very cold!

Look, my lord, it comes!

Angels and ministers
of grace defend us

Something is rotten
in the state of Denmark

Mark me!

Speak. I am bound to hear!

So art thou to revenge
when thou shalt hear

If ever thou didst thy dear father love
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murderer

- Murderer!
- Murderer!

The serpent that did sting thy
father’s life now wears his crown

- My uncle!
- His uncle!

Let not the royal bed of Denmark
become a couch for incest

- Incest!
- A couch!

Adieu, Hamlet, adieu!
Remember me!

- My lord, this is strange!

There are more things in Heaven and Earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy

So piss off!

I hereafter shall think meet
to put an antic disposition on

The time is out of joint. O cursed
spite that ever I was born to exit right

Neither a borrower nor a lender be!

How now, Ophelia. What’s the matter?

My lord, as I was sewing in my closet, lord
Hamlet, with no hat upon his head, pale as his shirt

His knees knocking together, and with a look
So piteous in purport as if he had been loosed

Out of hell to speak of horrors,
he comes before me

I'd keep that dress if I were you!

- Mad for thy love?

O my Lord, I know not!

Why, this is the very ecstasy of love.
I have found the cause of Hamlet’s lunacy

Since brevity is the soul of wit,
I will be brief: he is mad

How does my good lord Hamlet?

- Well, God mercy!
- Do you know me, my lord?

- Excellent well. You are a fishmonger
- What do you read, my lord?

- Word, words, words
- Though this be madness, yet there’s method in’t

Daddy, the players are here, and they
said they wanna do a play-within-a-play

So you'd better come see what
they want because they won't talk...

I am but mad north-northwest
When the wind is southerly

I know a hawk from
a hawk from a handsaw

I don't know...

I’ll have these players play something like
the murder of my father before mine uncle

I’ll observe his looks. If he do
but blench, I will know my course

The play’s the thing wherein
I’ll catch the conscience of the king!

Shut up, please!

Shut up!

What part of "shut up!"
don't you understand?

To be...

Austin, Austin, you can...
turn on the lights for a second!

Did you do the
"to be or not to be" speech?

Of course I didn't!
They are laughing at me!

- They are not laughing at you!
- They were laughing with you!

No, no! That guy right there!
It was that guy right there!

Calm down, man!
He's on drugs or something...

- (...) speech!
- I know, I know, it's a, it's, it's...

I'm sorry about this, everybody!
I think Austin is really...

You know, he takes this very seriously!
I think emotionally it's maybe too much for him tonight

I think we'll just skip the
"to be or not to be" speech

I'm sorry if anybody feels...

- Well, that's...
- You shoulda thought about that before you laughed at him

This is the risk you take at live theatre
Anything can happen, okay?

You know, like, if this was "Miss Saigon",
Maybe the helicopter wouldn't come in

It's an overrated speech anyway, Hamlet is
supposed to be thinking about killing his uncle

And, instead, Shakespeare is like
"I'm contemplating suicide", you know?

We think it just weakens the character

It just makes some wishy washy

Right, so we'll skip to the
play-within-a-play scene

Yeah, pergfect, okay, yeah! What we'll
do is skip to the play-within-a-play scene

You guys do the setting
I'll give Austin...

Whoa, and the nunnery
speech of Hamlet?

Whoa, that piece of work speech,
I think we should just cut it

I don't know, it's kind of important!

Okay, there is just this one speech that
comes before the play-within-a-play scene

That just goes:
"I have of late, but wherefore I know not

Lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercise,
and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition

That this goodly frame, the Earth,
seems to me a sterile promontory

This most excellent canopy, the air, look
you, this brave o’erhanging firmament

This majestic roof
fretted with golden fire

Why it appears to me no other than a
foul and pestilent congregation of vapors

What a piece of work is man;
how noble in reason, how infinite in faculty

In form and moving how
express and admirable

In action how like an angel
In apprehension how like a god

The beauty of the world,
the paragon of animals

Yet to me, what is this quintessence
of dust? Man delights not me?

Right, so we'll cut that speech,
and go right to the killer

Guys, what about the
"get thee to a nunnery" scene?

Let's just skip that one

Because "get thee to a nunnery"
scene is an Ophelia scene, man!

And Ophelia is a dificult
and complex character

No, no, she's not. No, it's,
Ophelia is you in a wig, you know?

Anybody can play Ophelia,
My mother could play Ophelia

That lady right there
could play Ophelia

- Well, let's get her!
- No, no...

Thank you so much!

We are going to perform...

No, no, no, wait.
Whatcha doin'?

Getting that
impostor out of here!

She's not an imposter!

You can't just throw
her back, you know?

- I'll do it!
- It's too late!

You got her up here, she's wearing
this nice wig, it's gonna be fine! (It's my scene!)

It's my scene! What am I
supposed to do? I'm... I'm like...

Just watch and learn, you know?

I'm watching? I'm learning?
Is this what I'm supposed to do?

- You had your chance!
- You come back, take that mic off!

- No, no!
- This is stupid!

No, it will be fine!
It will be great! Just watch!

You're just gonna do the scene with
your new friend, and I'm supposed to...

- You had your chance!
- We are gonna show you how simple it is, alright?

That's fine, I don't care!
I think the show sucks anyway!

Oh, c'mon! It's not that big of a...

Thanks for breaking
up the group, Yoko!

Bullshit!

I'm very sorry about that! Listen,
thank you very much for helping us out!

- I'm sorry, what's your name?
- Tiffany!

- Tiffany?
- Tiffany!

That's, um,
do you mind if we call you Bob?

That's just easier for us to remember

Um, anyway, um,
the scene between Ophelia and Hamlet

- It's a very simple scene!
- It's not a simple scene!

If you're gonna humiliate her,
be honest with her!

We are not gonna humiliate her!

We are not humiliating
anybody, you calm down!

You calm down! (You calm down!)
You calm down, man!

You know, I'll, I'll hit you so hard,
I'll kill your whole family, man!

You take your medicine! Okay!

- Uhhhh, get her!
- Okay!

A little bit of background: Hamlet and Ophelia
have had this relationship together in the past

Yeah, among everything that is going on with his
mother, and is uncle, and his father, and...

He doesn't wanna deal
with her anymore, alright?

He gets all worked up, and he
tells her to get out of his life!

He says to her:
"get thee to a nunnery!"

Alright, now, in our version of the scene,
all that Ophelia does in response is: she screams!

- That's not all she does!
- It's all she does!

- There is more to it than that!
- No, there is not!

Hamlet says "get thee to a nunnery!",
Ophelia screams, okay?

So, let's try that, alright?
And I'll give you a cue, alright?

- Hey, good luck!
- Hay, Adam!

I didn't touch her,
she hit me with the shoulder!

- Oh, c'mon!
- She started it, man!

She's provoking me since she
came in here, that's all I'm saying!

- Sit down!
- Okay, screw over, kid!

Okay, now are you all set?
Alright, I'll give it to you, I'll, I'm sorry, let me...

Let me just step into
the character here!

Get thee to a nunnery!

No, please, shut up,
ladies and gentlemen!

- Hey, hey, I thought that was good!
- Yeah, it was pretty good!

No, it sucked, man!
Even the frame setting sucked!

I'm sorry I shout at you, I felt threatened 'cause they
brought you up here to do my part, you are not an actress!

- Maybe
- You think so? (Maybe)

I think not!

No, she showed a lot of heart, a lot of courage - as Shakespeare would say, chutzpah.

No, I think there was something lacking
There was no inner life to the character

You know, there is little depth...

No, I know what you mean,
that's actually very good note

- 'Cause, Bob, actors use what they call subtext
- Yes, or inner module

Exactly, inner module,
that's something you didn't have

And that's why your
performance was just flat

No, but I think she showed promise,
and I don't think we should let this go

I think this is like riding a bicycle, you fall off,
you get on a horse, you just keep going, man!

In fact I think we should get everybody involved here
for just a few seconds to workshop this, you know?

Like, um, bring up the house lights I think everybody
should act on what is inside, the feels in his head for Bob

Help her understand
the character like, like...

If we divide everybody into
Ophelia's Ego and Superego!

Oh, yeah, yeah,
like it's a Freudian analysis

With an union undertone (yes, yes!)

An Ego! We need an Ego!
Let's get an Ego out there!

So, this gentleman is gonna
represent your Ego!

Oh, this guy can play an Ego!

Very powerful lumberjack-like Ego!

At this point of the play, her Ego has become
frightened, it's flighty, it's an Ego on the run

To symbolize the Ego on the run, why don't we
have Bob here, I'm sorry, mind if I call you Bob?

Why don't we have Bob here symbolize the Ego on
the run by running back and forth across the stage?

Yes, yes, just go...

Such an energy!

We have an Egomaniac here!

Okay, now, if you just
hear her subconscious

Why don't we have everyone on
the forth here in this folding chairs

Represent Ophelia's head for us

Now, at this point of the play,
her id is confused, is wishy washy

It's a wash in a sea of alternatives

Oh, that was very...
(Thank you, thank you very much!)

So, to represent this confused id, why don't we have everybody
on these folding chair put both hands up your heads like this

And we are gonna say this, we are
gonna say: "maybe, maybe not"

"Maybe, maybe not", "maybe, maybe not"
"maybe, maybe not", (okay, good!)

Save it for later, okay!

Alright, you! third line,
what's your problem?

Everybody is doing a great "maybe,
maybe not", "maybe, maybe not"

He is like this

Does not play well with other children!

You know what that means, don't you, Bob?

That means that you'll
have to do it all by yourself

C'mon, man! Get'em up! Get'em up! Great!

And don't worry about a thing, man!
'Cause nobody is looking, alright?

Okay, okay, let's hear him:
"maybe, maybe not"

I feel a lot of love in this room

I don't know, maybe it's just the.. okay So we got the id,
we got the Ego, we got a single misfiring greencell right here

It's great to know, why don't we get everybody
behind the seats to be the Superego?

This is the final psychological
componenet, the Superego

It's like all the struggling voices within
your head telling you what to do

Very powerful voices that
are very difficult to shake

Some people never shake them
in the whole lifetime, you know?

So, like Catholicism or something

So why don't we, why don't we divide the
Superego into three parts to symbolize the complexity

So if we get everyone from where Reed is
indicating to my left to be Section A of the Superego

Everybody from Reed to where Austin
is indicating to be Section B of the Superego

And everybody from Austin
to my right, you're Section C

Yeah, it's not that difficult,
is it? You got the idea!

Now, Section A, you're the masculine
voice in Ophelia pyche, alright?

You're like the voice of all men in her
life that have been bossing her around

And, um, we'll use Hamlet's line for this
I'd like all of you to say "get thee to a nunnery!"

Let's give it a try, Section A:
"Get thee to a nunnery!"

Section A, that was awful!

Please, people, work with me on this, we wanna make it
very loud, very powerful, very stiking, Section A:

"Get thee to a nunnery!"

Oh, yeah, that was
much less totally pathetic!

Okay, now Section B, you're the
voice of Ophelia's libido, okay?

So, this is the part of the psiche
that wants to be attracted to Hamlet

You're saying, "look, do something wth yourself",
"for God sake, put some makeup or something!"

Just, no offense...

This is straight out of
Shakesperian text, okay?

I'd like all of you to say,
"Paint an inch thick!"

"Paint an inch thick!"

I think Section A could learn
something from Section B

Possibly, they're small,
but they're plaque

Now finally, Section C, we saved you for last
because I think waht we'll do is use Section C

To draw this into a modern context because we
wanna make Ophelia relevant to women of today

Maybe she wants power,
but she doesn't wanna lose her femininity

She wanna be Corporate Executive,
but, you know, she wants babies at the same time

She is tired of being pushed around by Hamlet,
and she wants to assure herself

she feels like saying, “Look, cut the crap, Hamlet,
my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!"

Whoa, whoa, wait, you know what...

Yeah, we'll have you say, "cut the crap, Hamlet,
my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!"

Yeah, your mommy
will explain it later, kid!

Biology class

So, let's give it a try,
Section C:

"Cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological
clock is ticking and I want babies now!"

Alright, everybody, what I
think we should do now is

We'll get all the psychological elements
into play simultaneously, right?

id, Ego, Superego, biological clock,
and the voices "maybe, maybe not!"

And your job as an actress, Bob,
is to take all of this energy in

Synthesize it within your soul, right?

And, at that moment of truth, we'll build everyone
into a might frenzy, then stop everything, all attention is to you

And you let out with that
scream that epitomizes Ophelia

No problem!

- Well, we'll see!
- Oh, she can't wait!

Everybody, let's all,
okay, focus, please!

Alright, everyone?
Let's all take a deep breath together!

Yeah, let it out, kid

He's turning grace, keep an eye on him!

Right, you stand back here!

Right (perfect!), yeah, right there!

Excellent! And remember, no matter
what happens, act natural!

- Starting with the Ego!
- The starting line here, Bob!

Alright, here we go!
Okay, and...

On your marks!

Like a Colts you are, huh?

We are not gonna have to check
you for steroids after this, are we?

I recognize you, you were on the
East Germany women's track team

His name was Helga, I swear to God!

Glad to see they finally dropped, alright!

You know what I mean, alright!

Alright? On your mark, set, go!
"Maybe, maybe not"

Section A

Section B

C

Stop!

It's just that you are beautiful,
and erotic, and sensual!

I think we really shared
something, didn't we?

But back to Hamlet, Act III, Scene II,
the famous “play-within-a-play scene”

In which Hamlet discovers conclusive
evidence that his uncle murdered his father

“Speak the speech, I pray you, as I
pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue

Suit the action to the word, the word to the action,
and hold, as ‘twere, the mirror up to nature

- Will my lord hear this piece of work?
- Aye, and the king, too, presently

And now, how does my
cousin Hamlet, and my son?

A little more than kin,
and less than kind

I have nothing with this answer,
Hamlet; these words are not mine

- My lord, have a seat
- Alright, I'll seat here

Screw over, kid!
I'm doing ya'

Hey, good show, huh?

My lord, the Royal Theatre of Denmark is
proud to present "The Murder of Gonzago"

Bravo, bravo, yeah, uhu!

Oh, it's a puppet show!
I love it! I love it!

My lord, Act I

Hubba hubba

Hey, hey, no, no, no. Hey, hey!

Oh, the wheels on the
bus go round and round....

Okay, I'm sorry... I didn't...

- How likes my lord the play?
- The lady doth protest too much, methinks!

Haha, whoa, she protests too much, get it?

Get it? Get it? Whoa. She
doesn't get it. That's okay!

(I'll explain it later)
My lord, Act II

Gesundheit!

I’ll take the ghost’s word
for a thousand pound!

My lord, the queen would
speak with you in her closet

- Then will I come to my mother
- Behind the arras I’ll convey myself to hear the process

- Now, mother, what’s the matter?
- Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended

- Mother, you have my father much offended
- What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? Help!

Help! Help!

How now? A rat!

Nooooo... noooooo...

It will hurt...

I told you so...

Dead for a ducat, aww

- Where's Polonius?
- At supper!

- At supper? Where?
- Not where he eats, but where he is eaten

- O no, it’s Laertes!
- Son of Polonius

- Brother to Ophelia!
- And a snappy dresser!

Why, thanks. O, thou vile king!
Give me my father! How came he dead?

I’ll be revenged for Polonius’s murder!

How now, what noise is this?

Dear maid, kind sister, sweet, Ophelia!

I'm mad! I'm out
of my tiny little mind!

I'm screwy-louie, I'm...
See, this is acting!

Here’s rue for you, here is
rosemary for remembrance

and I would have given you violets,
but they withered all when my father died

I’m starting to feel
a little nauseous here

I'm about to die!

Hamlet comes back. What would I undertake
to show myself, my father's son, in deed...

Wait, hold on, Reed, before you
go on to the next scene with Ophelia

There's no more scenes with Ophelia

- C'mon, I'm up for it!
- No, that's all Shakespeare wrote!

- What happens to her?
- She drowns!

- Okay, cool!
- Okay!

To cut his throat in the church;
I'll do that, and I'll anoint my sword...

I’ll anoint my sword with an unction
so mortal that where it draws blood

No cataplasm can save
the thing from this compulsion

I don't know what it means either!

This skull had a tongue in it,
and could sing once

but then came the
Nutrisystem Weight Loss Program!

Alas, poor Yorick!
I knew him!

But soft! Here comes the queen!
Couch me awhile, and mark!

Lay her in the earth; and from her fair
and unpolluted flesh, may violets spring

Sweets to the sweet Ophelia. Farewell!

Hold off the earth awhile, ‘till I have
caught her once more in mine arms

What is he worse grief bears such an emphasis?
Haya! This is I, Hamlet the great Dane!

I will fight with him until
my eyelids no longer wag

The cat will mew, and the dog will
have his day. Come! Give us the foils!

- Come, one for me!
- Now be careful. Those are sharp!

- Come, sir!
- Come, my lord!

Look! Amelia Earhart!

- Where?
- There!

One! (No!) Judgement?

A hit, a hit; a very palpable hit!

Yeah, Hamlet, drink off this cup!

- Nay!
- Yeah, Hamlet, drink off this cup!

Nay, set it by awhile, mother!
Father, uncle, whatever the hell you are...

Come again, Laertes!

- Another hit, what say you?
- A touch, a touch, I do confess!

- O take this! (No!)
- The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet

- Madam, do not drink!
- I will, my lord. I pray you pardon me

It is the poisoned cup! It is too late!

Come again, Laertes!

For the third!

- How fair is the Queen?
- She swoons to see thee bleed

No. The drink! The drink! I am poisoned!

O villainy! Treachery! Seek it out!

It is here, Hamlet. Here I lie, never to rise again
I can no more. The king. The king’s to blame

What? The point envenom'd too?
Then, venom, to thy work!

Here, thou murd'rous, incestuous...
cross-dressing Dane: Follow my mother!

Forgive me, Hamlet. I am justly
killed by mine own treachery

Heaven make thee free of it...
I follow thee!

You that look pale, or tremble at this chance
That are but mutes, or audience to this act

If ever thou did’st hold me in thy hearts
Absent thee from felicity awhile

And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain
To tell my story... The rest is silence!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we shall have an encore!

Okay, thank you!
We got about 3 more minutes

so we are gonna go through Hamlet
one more time very quickly for you

I just need to make one quick announcement
because we have a few children here tonight

As we go through this, we are
gonna be moving very fast this time

Now, there's a lot of sharp swords
that we use, there's falls that we take

There's props that we send flying
back and forth, we make it look easy

But it's actually very difficult
and very dangerous, so...

As you watch us do it, please, keep in mind
that the 3 of us are trained professionals, okay?

Do not try this at home!

Right, kid?

Yeah, go over to a friend's
house, it's much safer...

- O that this too too solid flesh would melt
- My lord, I think I saw your father yesternight

- Would the night were come
- Mark me!

- Something is rotten in the state of Denmark
- Revenge my murder

My lord, this is strange

Well, there are more things
in heaven and earth, so piss off

To be or not to be, that is the question...

Get thee to a nunnery!

Speak the speech,
trippingly on the tongue

I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand
pound. Now, mother, what’s the matter?

Thou wilt not murder me. Help!

Help! Help!

How now, a rat! Dead for a ducat, dead!

- Now, Hamlet, where’s Polonius?
- At supper

- Where is my father?
- Dead!

Sweet Ophelia!

Alas, poor Yorick! But soft,
here comes the Queen

- Lay her in the earth!
- Sweet to the sweet

- Hold off the earth awhile
- It is I, Omelet the cheese Danish

- The devil take thy soul!
- Give us the foils!

- One for me. O! I am slain!
- O, I am poisoned!

I follow thee. The rest is silence!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we shall do it... faster!

O my brain!

Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a
fantastic audience. We shall do it... backwards!

I got caught up in the moment!

How the hell is that gonna work?

This could be you!

Oh, yeah, be sure to listen
for the satanic messages

Silence is rest the. Thee follow I

Frank Sinatra is gone!

Slain am I O!

Foils the us give.
Dane the Hamlet, I is this

- Earth the off hold
- Sweet the to sweets

- Earth the in her lay
- Queen the comes here. Yorick poor, alas

Ophelia sweet!

- Father my is where?
- Dead. Ducat a for dead

Tongue the on trippingly
speech the speak

Nunnery a to thee get!

- Lord my good
- Be to not or be to

Off piss, Horatio, earth and
heaven in things more are there

Strange is this, lord my

Denmark of state the
in rotten is something

Yesternight father your
saw I think I, Lord my

Melt would flesh solid
too too this that O

You thank!

Thank you!